Good Friday indeed

There's something about fridays that just wash away all of my negative thoughts and problems and plants a permanent smile on my face. I still have to wake up fairly early on saturdays, and i constantly voice how I seem to do more work on the weekends than i do during the week. Yet when friday comes, a sigh of relief overtakes me and all is right in the world once again.

I love that.

Not to mention it's PERFECT outside. I've raised the blinds in the office so that nothing can hinder my looking experience.

~~~~~~~~

Today is the last day of work as i've known it. Bright and early monday morning, we're getting a new director. We haven't had a "boss" since '04 so we've all gotten a little lackadaisical. We're supposed to be at work at 8:30...but lately i've been strolling in around 9:20... and I'm STILL the first one here...
We go home early, take off when we want, wear jeans on tuesdays... eat, talk on our cells, and listen to music all during the day. Don't get it twisted...we still work... but... things have been real easy going here.
That's about to stop. This new guy comes from a very strict establishment. After reading his CV, i felt my hands shake cuz I KNOW he's coming in and changing some stuff. He's already fired one person and he doesn't even start until monday!!!
So i may have to lay low on this whole bloggin and myspace thing. Which makes me a little sad cuz i really feel like this is a part of my job. lol

Keep me in your prayers though. I was just informed yesterday that since our EA is on maternity leave until May, I will be doubling as his temporary EA since I supposedly "am very good and shifting roles and am efficient in getting stuff done". Great! *eyeroll* They just gassed me up so i can feel good about doing two jobs and only getting paid for one. *smh* Employers! sheesh!
It's all good though. At least I know i'll be here for at least a month. lol

~~~~~~~~~

So I'm finally starting to date again. It's been really interesting to say the least. I told myself that this year will be about ME! I'm gonna pamper myself, get stuff I want, pay bills I need to pay, get MYSELF together. And i've been doing that. You know what, it feels really good! I love being able to spend my check on myself.
However, it seems like I attract guys that just DON'T have their stuff together. It's something about me that screams "if u ain't got it, come get with me". lol I swear it's me! Men that can take care of themselves never holla at me. It's always the ones that need something. I attract them. *shrug* I gotta change that cuz it's messing up my vow to be selfish this year. I can't do me if i gotta keep helping you. Ya know?
So dating has been...weird. A guy looks good on paper... we go out few times and all is well. Then as soon as they know i'm interested.... here we go with the sob stories. "uh...i just got fired" or "uh... child support is kickin my butt" or "uh...my check didn't come in from such and such"... it's something... always.

~~~~~~~
Church has been going okay. I'm currently in a state of limbo. I'm still teaching Etiquette classes at my first church. But I'm also teaching dance at my last church. I don't know where I fit in. I don't know which church I should be a member of. I want to commit wholeheartedly to one. But right now, it's like the pro's for each church are REALLY good. But the con's are REALLY bad. And I dunno. Maybe i should find a new church altogether. *shrug* I'm still undecided on where i wanna be permanently. I've been doing this "two church" thing for almost a month and it's taxing on me. It's like having two boyfriends... choose already! So i'm dealing with that. Pray for a sista!!!

Anywho... i'm not feeling this blogging thing right now...so i'll just look out the window and daydream about something. Later!

Changes...

Monday April 11, 2005
5:15pm

*ring, ring, ring*

Him: Hello

Me: Hey, uh…this is ur… this is Sway… you um, gave me your number Saturday at practice..and uh… I was just ca…

Him: lol Yeah, Sway… I know who you are. How are you gorgeous?

Me: Good. Just getting off work.

Him: I was wondering when I’d hear from you.

Me: Yeah, my weekend was busy so… you know…this is the first time I could call.

Him: oh no doubt gorgeous. You look like you stay busy. I like that about you. You seem genuinely happy. I’ve always wondered what it is that makes you so happy.

Me: Got a few hours? lol


5 hours later…

Him: You feel it too don’t you?

Me: yeah. strangely i do.

Him: I don’t know what’s going on, but I just got such a strong feeling about you. I know we just met but, Sway, wow… what is going on. I've never felt like this before. I mean you got me sprung off just conversation alone. What is going on!?!?!

Me: I don’t know…but I like it. I feel it.

Him: It’s like you’re my missing piece. I fell in love with your spirit almost a month ago, and had purposed in my heart to give you my number everytime i saw you and things kept coming up, but now that we're talking, I see why i felt so strongly about it.

Me: this is crazy. we're definitely vibing. everything feels so...wonderful and weird at the same time.

Him: I know. I just met you but I just have this overwhelming feeling that you’re the one for me. As sure as I’m a man, and as sure as I am black, I know I'm gonna end up marrying you Sway.



It’s amazing how a year can change things…

Happy Un-Anniversary TG.

after you've done all you can...

For someone that lives in the Church the way I do, you'd think that I'd know that there's power in words. The Christian faith is built on the premises that the entire earth was made by God through spoken WORDS. That's powerful.

Even with us, how many times have you heard someone say "You just talked them up!" Or how many times do we as african americans get mad because of someone saying the "n-word"?

Words are powerful.

It's like... sometimes when I want to vent, I throw things out there and then when they happen, I'm totally taken back.


I wrote a post the morning of March 8th about what happened the night before concerning my temper tantrum. One part read as follows:

“I yelled until I made myself hoarse. I cried until I choked, coughed and almost threw up. I kicked, punched the bed, and threw pillows until I was too exhausted to move. I collapsed on the bed in a big puddle of tears. I was tired, my face was puffy, my eyes were red…I had a bruise on my leg and I had no idea how I just hurt it. I laid there and allowed myself to find its normal state of peace again. I hoped that my words resonated through the air and down to Columbus. I hoped as he laid by her, his eyes popped open and my voice filled his head. I hoped that at least one second of his day was filled with remorse on how he did me and Baby. I knew that my hopes were probably unrequited.”


Well that same night after writing that (which is the night after I had the tantrum), TG called. Now mind you... TG and I no longer speak. AT ALL. I hadn't heard from him in over a month...and "coincidentally" he calls.

He said he wanted to see if everything was okay with me. I said i was fine and was very short with him. I guessed he picked up on my attitude and began explaining the reason for his text that morning. He claims he had gotten this strong vibe from me the night before. He said that he often thought of me. Especially when he and the kids were doing something we all used to do together. But this particular night, nothing triggered it. He he was reading something around 8, when all of a sudden my face flashed in his head and he couldn’t get rid of it. He tried to shrug it off but he said as the night went on, he just kept feeling this pull from me and it got worse and worse all through the night until made up in his mind that he'd text and call me the next day, and he said it went away then. He said he couldn’t explain it, it was almost the same type of pull that he felt the first time he saw me. So of course he was confused about why he was feeling that way.

As I listened to him, I felt a slight bit of satisfaction and weirdness arise. I mean, some of my questions were answered concerning some things, and that of course allowed me to feel like I was finally getting some closure. But I was completely weirded out that the very next night after I put all of those things, questions, and feelings out there, he calls me and answers/ address each one of them without even knowing. It was amazing. I thanked God because, even though I have been slowly moving on, a part of me was always revisiting the relationship trying to figure out what REALLY happened. I felt like those parents whose child has been missing for years and they just want to know what REALLY happened.
TG began explaining his side of what happened starting back to the beginning of December. The only time I even talked during that hour was to say “yeah I remember that” when he asked me something. What he said made MUCH more sense than anything I’ve been trying to think of. And I finally understood why he did and said somet hings to others that completely contradicted what he had said to me. He said there was more that he needed to tell me, but wanted to do it in person. I was cool with what was already said. I mean, after all, this is what I had been waiting for right? An answer. Understanding. For him to feel remorse. For him to convince me that I wasn’t the only one head over heels and thinking that we were soulmates. For him to tell me that he never stopped loving me and he’ll always continue to. I mean, this IS what I was hoping for.

Well that night it happened. He told me everything I wanted to know, everything I wanted to hear. Everything I thought would make me feel better. But that night after we hung up and felt that initial relief of understanding. I realized that I had MORE questions. I also realized that even after all he had said, I still don’t trust him, I still don’t know if it’s true, and I’m still angry with him.

Since that night, he began calling me everyday. Sometimes I’d answer. Sometimes I didn’t. My friends all thought I was crazy for even considering talking to him again. I mean, they were upset when I told them that I answer his calls sometimes. I guess because they know how MUCH I love him and they think if I talk with him, he’s gonna smoothtalk his way back into being my boyfriend. And no good friend wants to see their friend look stupid, get played, get hurt, etc… So I understand. But at the same time, I’m not two. I can handle myself.

I can’t hate people for long, I can’t hold grudges forever. I squash things and keep it moving. Yes I learn, but I don’t hold on to wrong doings like that. My talking to you does not mean I’m gonna marry you. Smell me?

So anyways, sometimes he calls so babygirl can talk to me, since he claims she still asks about me all the time. And sometimes he calls just to say that he’s thinking of me. I know what he’s doing. I’m not stupid. He’s testing the waters before he tries to jump all the way in. He wanna see if I’m open to getting back with him before he asks me to get back with him. Which is fine, but the way he’s going about it is really messed up. Trying to use the kids and God to play on my emotions instead of coming out and saying that he’s a screw up and he’s sorry. So all I’ll say about his tactic of testing is that the water may seem just right to his foot, but when he finally dive in he’ll find that the water is very cold.

I figured that the dinner I talked about in my last post was gonna be the night he tried to get back with me since I could imagine what else he wanted to "tell me face to face". I figured he’d say something that will allow me to just BLAST him with how I felt and let me get all this stuff off my chest…and that would be the end for us. He’d know that I wasn’t just talking out the side of my neck when I told him that after we broke up, I would NOT take him back unless God himself comes and tells me that I had to.

But as stated in the last post, things didn’t go as planned. After the whole ring thing. I no longer had the desire to be mean. It’s true, I HATE HATE HATE the way he went about our breakup and I HATE HATE HATE the way he tried to come back, but on the same note, he dropped a little change on the ring. And the fact that he didn’t really say anything that I can just go off on made it a little harder for me to start snapping. He claimed that although he got the ring now, (because he knows what God told him and what the future holds for us *blink,blink*), he isn’t trying to rush us into anything. He claims that he wants me to continue to seek God and let Him show me what’s up and that he(TG) would just be my friend until I wanted something more or until I told him to leave me alone. He figures that since God said we'd be together, He'll put us together when it's time. Which according to him is whenever God puts it back in my heart to be with him. Can't argue with that. But um... I just don't feel like we'll be getting back together. *shrug*


I’m in a real weird weird state with all this new info and with him "kinda" coming back. It’s like, I love TG with all my heart. And I love those children even more. And I guess that’s why I still want us to be friends. I still want to see them. I still want to go to “our” church and work in the ministry there. I still want all of that.

But as much as love him. I really really REALLY don’t want to get back with him. And I’ve never been here before. To love someone and wish that things were the way they were…but knowing things have changed even when someone tries to put it back like that, and not being able to get over that fact (confused yet?).
I wouldn’t be happy with him anymore. Knowing what he did. Knowing how my family and friends view him. Knowing how I felt when we broke up. Knowing about baby.

I know too much now.

I feel too much now.

This experience changed me.

And I don’t wanna be with him even though I do. *smh*

It’s like… getting what you wanted, but at the expense of losing something you needed. I could have the family I want with him, but I lost the main factor that made me want that family: trust.

It’s weird being in love with someone and wanting to be with someone who claims to love you and want to be with you, but you can’t be with them.

It’s weird feeling like you found your soulmate, but won’t ever marry them, even though you have the option to.

It’s like…. I can’t go back. My heart wants to. Even part of my mind (mainly the parts that have the "my biological clock/ men shortage/you’re in the ATL" thoughts) wants to go back to him cuz I know it would work with us if we tried again. But I can’t. My pride won’t let me. My conscious won’t let me. My pain won’t let me. My sense won’t let me. My experience won’t let me. I won't let me.

So here I am. Not able to see my self with anyone else because of him, but not able to see myself with him either.

Not wanting to be with him. And not wanting him out of my life.
Not wanting to be stupid for going back to what I had, and not wanting to turn down the opportunity of having what I want.

Hating him and loving him.

It’s too much for me to figure out. So of course I’ve been asking God to give me strength to do what’s right. And to act on not what I feel, but what I know.

It’s evident that it’s working because I’m at peace. I’m open to whatever way God guides me…whether it is to or away from that situation. I’m finally starting to see past the "now"… meaning that if TG isn’t the one for me, I trust God to send me someone that would be even better for me…although right now that’s hard to see/grasp. And if TG is the one for me, I trust God to work it out where I won’t have my trust issues and my friends and family will be able to accept us….although right now that’s hard to see/grasp. lol

But either way, I’m truly okay. God is working it out. :) I've done all I know how to do. I've done all I can. So now all I can do is just...stand.

Just when i thought...

I had it all figured out...


Friday March 17th
TGIF restaurant 8:16pm

Him: So how you been sweetheart.
Me: *glaring at him & wondering why I agreed to have dinner with him* I've been great.
Him: Well you definitely look great. *smiling*
Me: *dryly* Thanks.
Him: So... I just wanted to tell you a few things since it's been a while since we've talked. I wasn't gonna call you anymore since you told me not to. But it's funny how life works.
Me: *looking uninterested*
Him: Well, I just wanted to start off by saying that Sway, baby, I love you so much. No matter what ever happens between us or what the future holds for you, or me, or... Uuuuuus.... Just know that I never meant to hurt you and i never fell out of love with you. You and I both know that we are soulmates... and whether we be together in the future or not, no one or nothing can change that fact. We fit. You're still my rib. Always have been, always will be.
Me: *struggling with everything inside of me to not hit him dead in his mouth* mmm-hmmm.

So he goes on and on about the real reason for him going back to Columbus and yadda yadda yadda...
The story made sense. Alot more than what he gave me when we first broke up. But the fact remained that he left me. And he went back to Karen!!! NOT ACCEPTABLE.

I remained quiet because I wanted him to say all he had to say in order for me to blast him with everything i've been holding in for the last 3.5 months. It was just the week before that I had realized how angry i was and magically, he's here in front of me. And i can really say all of this to him. I guess that's why i really wanted to go. I needed closure. I know he know how i felt, but i wanted to say it to him. I wanted him to know he was dead wrong for what he did. I needed closure.

I didn't get it.

Him: blah blah blah blah blah.
Me: *thinking..."will you shut up so i can tell you how I feel."*
Him: blah blah blah...and so since you and i both know that, I want you to have this. *pulling out a small, black velvet, heart-shaped box*
Me: Now tuning back in...and fully aware that I now have a black shaped box in front of me... Huh? *looking at him and at back down at the box.

I was confused. I KNOW this neegro didn't pull out no ring box.

Him: Open it.
Me: *still looking at him with the gas face*

Pause...

Sighing, I open the box. In it was an engagement ring.

What irony.

When I want to marry him, he leaves. When i'm ready to leave, he wants to marry me. *smh*

I guess he expected me to be happy. I mean really, we did have a fairy tale love. I've never experienced a relationship like the one I had with TG. I'd be lying if I told you that I don't still love him. And I know he knows that I'm still in love with him. But I'd be a fool to marry him after what he just did to me. I'd be a fool to just bury it all under the rug and take him back with no questions and open arms.

And you know what, I don't feel like being a fool.

But i do still love him. lol

So these emotions and thoughts were running through my head for so long, I didn't realize that I had been staring at the ring for quite sometime.

I guess he finally figured out that this wouldn't be as easy as he thought, so he told me that I didn't have to give him an answer right now. And he said that he wanted me to keep the ring no matter what because it was rightfully mine. He also gave me "my" wedding band (it was a set) and showed me his matching one.

Him: "i'll keep this on my middle finger until the day you decide to take me back, then i'll put it where it really belongs"

lol.. This man is something else.

I closed the box with the rings in it. And put it in my purse. I had no intentions of telling him yes. But i couldn't bring myself to tell him no either.

I needed to run this by my friends... even though i already knew what they would say. lol

I know at the end of the day... unless God Himself comes back and tells me that TG's the one, I will move on...and so will he.

~~

I've always wanted to steal Cymple's idea of doing a "through the years" picture blog.
Well as you all know, I'm lazy. lol But I figured I'd at least start.

I think my momma hid all my pictures... so these are just a few.

I'll be back with more later. Hope you enjoy!


--->click here<---

I know someone's sorry...

...that SWAY has a blog. I know they wish they could sift through crazy spazzed-out bloggers like myself who have NOTHING to talk about, but wanna take up space writing stuff. lol. Oh well. Too late now.

I'zz back ya'll. Ya girls been on the grind. I've been wanting to write, but
I've been too busy to get the posts finished and out. Right now, I have about 8 unfinished posts in a word document right now from just last week alone. lol. I wish I had a transcriber. Work has picked up dramatically, and life is moving faster than I can type… so I figured instead of attempting to write a zillion posts about each little thing… I’d just share my random thoughts over the last 2 weeks and a little of what’s been up with me…plus whatever pops into my head. Aight here we go…



~White men stare at booty’s too.
I was on my way to work last Friday and saw an all white construction crew working on the traffic lights one street down from my building. Now, traffic was thick obviously because the traffic lights didn’t work. So I’m just sitting in my car jamming to some ole skool funk…and I happen to glance over at the construction workers. A skinny white girl, probably an Emory student, was doing her morning run coming across the street towards them. The people watcher in me just HAD to see their reaction to her. So I look at one of them noticing her, and nudging the others to prepare themselves for her arrival. They all see her coming, then quickly get back to what they were doing and as SOON as home girl passed them, these doggone white men stopped working and gawked at her booty like she was Ki Toy or Kenya Moore… I mean they stared so hard that I even tried to look back to see what the heck they were looking at. lol I guess everyone can enjoy a nice booty. *shrug*

~People notice when your socks don’t match. (whut? It was dark in my room and I was in a hurry.)


~ "The Ex" called.
Monica’s Knock, Knock song comes to mind.
"It’s funny how the tables turn...tuuurn…tuuuurn."
TG has decided to call me and “clear the air”. Telling me he misses me, he still thinks we’re soulmates and have expressed wanting to see me. I don’t care to discuss the rest right now. Just know that he’s called everyday since last Wednesday.

~Blair Underwood could get it.
I’ve been digging him for over 10 years now, but he seems to get better with age. My goodness… I saw that man on one of those old reruns of Sex and the City… (though it’s all new to me since I didn’t watch it until it was no longer running) and I could not contain myself. I was officially lusting. That man is down right BEAUTIFUL.


Whew. *fainting* I knew it was over for me when I saw him in Madea’s Family Reunion and STILL liked him even though he was a *insert choice word* in that movie. Ole trifflin self. But lawd he fine!! I think he may be one of the only men I’d be a groupie for. If God grants my prayer request last week and hook me up with a Blair Underwood look alike… I will have no problem populating the earth by myself. No one else needs to have children until after I’m 45-50. k, thanks!

~I actually traveled 34 miles to get some doggone $2 "Want Want" Senbei .
Have anyone ever had those? Want Want’s senbei are sooooooo good. I’m addicted. I eat about 3 packs a day. (6) They crunch and look a bit like rice cakes u can buy at krogers, but wayyy more delicious. It’s the best tasting air I’ve EVER HAD!! *jumping up and down thinking about them* I had to go to China Town to get them… aka Buford Hwy. I felt real weird being the only darkie in the store. I was trying to ask them where I could get these “Want Wants”… and they had no idea what I was talking about cuz they didn’t speak English AT. ALL! They looking at me funny and pointing to fish and vegetables… and I’m like NOOOO..the cookies… coooooo- kiiiiieeeeesss? You understand? I want “WANT WAAAANT! lol
Finally I just went looking through the aisles myself and finally found something that LOOKED like it, but it was written in Chinese, so I had no idea if this was really it or not. I took a chance… got in the car and opened up one… YES! It’s good. Ahhh.. I can drive 34 miles back home in satisfaction. :)

~Dave Chapelle’s “Block Party” was really good!
I went to see it last friday with my girls and was laughing and jammin the WHOLE TIME. I wish he’d come down here to tha dirty dirty and do something like that. I wonder if it would be as cool as it was up there. I mean they had Common * I never realized that my ex TD, remember him, looks a LOT like him*, Mos Def *fainting…lawd I lubb that man* Erykah Badu, Jill Scott, The Roots, Talib Kweli, The Fugees, Big Daddy Kane... and the list goes on and on… I was like… MAN! This concert is HOTTT!!

Now imagine who he’d have to get if he came to like… Spring Street or something and got our folks… we’d have who? T.I.


*fainting... In the words of Daman from Friday after next... "That nigga is magically delicious!"
The CAST… *man I love outcast!!* Brang (not bring… gotta get DECATUR on ya’ll for this post. lol) Now where was I? Oh yeah… brang KILO back and Too-Short (although he’s Okland-based) Goodie Mobb, Young Bloodz, My tennessee folks 8 ball and MJG… we can even have Xscape do something. We ain’t seen them in a grip. Then brang it back current with Dem Franchise boys…oh… ya’ll I’m sorry… I could go on for days with this…lol Aight… you get the point, it would be soooo very gangsta! I think we need to write Dave and ask him to make it happen for us.


~I’m going to Africa.
I came to this conclusion after seeing this neegro RAT HUURRR at The UniverSOUL Circus a few Fridays ago. *fainting twice*


that should be ME making him laugh


he's the one dead center. *lusting*


whew dip it low...


Okay lemme tell you. These pictures do them NO justice. They were dancing during the parts they weren’t “performing” and those sexy men were getting it. I KNOW he can work it out. LAWD LAWD. I couldn’t help myself. He was so fine, and could move…and he was SKRONG. I could overlook the fact that he's employed by the CIRCUS! lol… I made up my mind that a vacation in some African country should be my next move. lol

~ Cornbread tastes good at breakfast time.
I don’t feel like discussing why I had cornbread for breakfast. *blink* I mean… it was supposed to be for my lunch, but I was hungry at 8. And..well…it was just staring at me, and I felt like it needed some attention, so I warmed it up and looked around hoping no one would ask me why I’m eating cornbread at 8 in the morning, and took a big bite. OH MY GOODNESS…that was the BEST breakfast I had in a while. Mmmm…

~I hate hurting someone’s feelings JUST as much as I hate someone hurting mine.
There’s this guy who I met in December that was feeling me, but never tried me since he knew I was with TG. I thought he was cute, but wasn’t really interested in him like that. So anyways…TG and I broke up and ole dude figured this was “fate” because he’d always felt that I should have been his girl. Now I never knew this, so when he asked me out, I was like, okay. *shrug* I figured we were just hanging. He finally tells me how he’s really feeling and I express to him that I’m not feeling him that way. He’d be hurt to the point of tears being in his eyes and he’d say okay. He’d continue to call and we’d go out more, and he’d say it again. I finally realized that he really thinks I’m gonna change my mind about not wanting to be with him. So I tried to break it down as simple as possible with out being mean about it cuz I really do like him, just not as a boyfriend. The last time I told him I didn’t want to be with him like that, he said okay, then burst out crying. Now mind you, this dude ain’t no lil punk. If u saw this neegro in the streets, you’d clutch your purse and cross the street to the other sidewalk. So I was stunned to see this man spit water out his eyes like that. I could tell he was trying his best to hold them back, but it wasn’t working. That thang really hurt my heart. To know that someone is hurting because they wanna be with me, but I have NO feelings for them at all. Just sad. I hate being the source of someone’s pain. Especially when I’m in pain myself.

~We have free cake at work in our cafe every 1st Monday of the month…and I never knew.
Now THIS ish pissed me off. For REAL. I’ve been here 3 years. I felt a little hurt about this lack of knowledge. How they gonna keep this from me? That’s something HR should have told me on my first day. I would have been at the cafe door at 11:55 waiting for that thang to open. Don’t they know I like cake? Don’t I LOOK like I like cake? How you gonna have free cake and not tell a sista. Then when one of my co-workers came up from the café a few weeks ago and decided to share with the department that the birthday cake was down stairs, everyone had already knew and got them a piece.*trifflin bleeps* I’m like, yall neeegro’s knew about this? And no one said anything to me??? *getting furious* Okay… it’s all fun and games until Sway makes a surprise stew for our next pot luck. Payback is a mutha. lol

Aight… I’ve ran my mouth enough. I’ll touch back later! Yup!

Just Interesting

Good Morning sweety. U were just on my mind and wanted to take a min. b4 work to let u know that u're blessed and highly favored. luv always yours truly T****** G****** Sr.

From: TG
3/08/06 6:16am


I hit “delete” as I rode in silence this morning to work. It’s weird how I haven’t heard from him since the whole baby situation, but this particular morning, he texts me. I guess one thing hasn’t changed. He still feels my moods. I guess I threw out such strong vibes yesterday that he had to feel it. lol

Last night was interesting for me. It started off normal, I ended up doing about 3 days worth of work in 4 hours, which exhausted me, but I was fine once I got off. I took my friend to kinko’s and all was well. Got home and did my usual routine of checking messages, showering, watching Bernie Mac and finding my lounge-around-the-house shirt. I blindly reached into my drawer without a care in the world, grabbed a white shirt and attempt to put it on. As I pulled it over my head a familiar smell filled my nose. I knew that smell well. I immediately looked down at the shirt I just put on and realized that it was TG’s shirt. I have no idea how he gets his clothes to smell like that, but it’s very distinct, and it doesn’t go away until after 2-3 washes.
It had T****** spelled out right on the front. I didn’t know I still had that shirt. I made every effort to give him back or hide all of his things, but somehow this one was overlooked. Maybe because it was turned inside out and I figured it was mine. *shrug* But looking at myself in the mirror with this shirt on… one I wore SO MANY nights at his house because I joked that I was his number one cheerleader, sponsor, and head of the TG fanclub… floods of memories came back. I was no longer in my house, in my room. I was there in his place. And it stung.

It was at that moment last night that I realized that I haven’t been honest with myself. I’ve allowed myself to be hurt, to grieve, to wonder why, to cry…and all that comes with breakups except for that one thing. The one emotion that I’ve suppressed and made excuses for him so that I didn’t have to feel. The very thing I don’t know how to express. That thing that bubbled up in my so explosively last night until I could no longer deny it. I had to be honest. And for the first time, I looked in the mirror at myself with tears in my eyes and softly said.

"I’m angry."

I couldn’t stop saying it. I couldn’t stop feeling it. Rage felt like it was oozing out of my pores and I didn’t know what to do with it. Before I knew it, I found myself throwing pillows at my head board between uncontrollable sobs and fierce yelling the air. I told him everything I REALLY felt. I told him how mad I really was. I told him how much I resented him for leaving me at the time i needed him the most. I told him how I really blamed him for losing baby. I told him how much I loathed the lies he told me.
The more I yelled, the more I cried. The more I cried, the more I felt all of the hurt that was still VERY present and VERY real. The more hurt I felt, the angrier I was that he was the source of this pain.

I yelled until I made myself hoarse. I cried until I choked, coughed and almost threw up. I kicked, punched the bed, and threw pillows until I was too exhausted to move. I collapsed on the bed in a big puddle of tears. I was tired, my face was puffy, my eyes were red…I had a bruise on my leg and I had no idea how I just hurt it. I layed there and allowed myself to find it’s normal state of peace again.
I hoped that my words resonated through the air and down to Columbus. I hoped as he laid by her, his eyes popped open and my voice filled his head. I hoped that at least one second of his day was filled with remorse on how he did me and Baby. I knew that my hopes were probably unrequited.

I was okay with that. I said my peace and fell asleep easily.

Imagine my surprise upon waking up and finding a text from him.

Nothing major was said. Nothing to read into. But..

It was … interesting. Just interesting.

Ode to a friend... (u know who u are)

It's been 3 days, 10 hours, and 32 minutes since I last spoke with you...
I've never been good with goodbyes, it's something i'd rather not do.

There were no hugs exchanged, no glances back to see if the other was walking away.
No akward silences or merciless begging to make the other one stay...

Just a little while longer.

We've only been best friends for less than 2 months,
but now that you're gone, I'm not even gonna front...

I miss you.

Our reason for separation is vaild and i understand...
I know you have to let me go in order to be her man.

And that's cool. I like her. I think she's good for you.
It's just that i didn't realize what your going away would do...

to me.

You see, dates are a dime a dozen... i can kick with any guy

but a true friend like you... they're so very hard to come by

But i wish you well, I pray for your happiness, love, and peace

And with these few words, and a few extra tears, from you i'm finally released...

Goodbye you. *hug*

I appreciate you...

How very much better it is to appreciate the good things you have while you still have them. For then, not only can you appreciate them, you can put them to positive and productive use. So begin each day by counting your many blessings. Pay particular attention to the ones so overwhelmingly a part of you that you might otherwise take them for granted. True abundance and gratitude are solidly linked. The more you appreciate the good things, the more numerous they will be.

I am not sure where i got that from but i was cleaning out my "documents" folder and I along with a bizillion blog posts i've started and never finished/posted over the years, I ran across this. I know I found it somewhere around the end of last year and so i figured i'd share it with you all since i liked it so much.

And also...I just wanted to take the time out today to say thank you to all of you. Those words up there made me realize how much i take you for granted. Sometimes I forget people actually peep into me daily, or weekly...or whenever. Sometimes I overlook how much effort some of you put in your comments. So thanks. :)
Close friends whom I talk to on the regular, thanks for still coming here and reading my shananigans although you probably know everything there is to know before you get here. lol
Blog friends i've met along the way, I appreciate you reading and sometimes commenting (or not) on the things that I write. You all have been wonderful.
And lurkers whom i've never met and have no knowledge of when, where, or how much you read my blog, I thank you too. Although I'd love to know that you're there... i can understand if you just wanna read and go. :) I thank you too.

*hugs all around*

Okay enough mushyness... enjoy your day!

Wednesday ramblings

Okay…so I got a lot on my mind these days… which means that I may be writing a little more frequently. Well let me not say that… a sista will get lazy and stop writing in a heartbeat! I do have a lot to say.. .I just don’t know how much of it will get said… so we shall see.

Today though... I don’t wanna talk about much of anythang. Everything on my mind is of NO importance or intellectual value whatsoever! Who wanna be deep when its THIIIIS wonderful outside?!?! I hope this is a premonition of what the rest March will bring. I’m happy these days just cuz the sun is out and I don’t have to wear suede and leather just to keep warm.

Oh yeah… I just remembered why I got on here…I wanted to just update you on the little Anthony thing. I wrote about it here…

And I know a few of you commented on the email not doing any good. Guess what, ya’ll were right.
Amazingly the day after I wrote that post, Anthony found me on my newly created myspace page.

He was charming as usual…asking me about my marriage date and telling me how it was TG’s loss cuz i'm such a great woman, after I casually told him that I wasn’t getting married.

I went to his myspace page, just to see what was poppin there. Nothing stood out about it. It looked and SAID exactly what his black planet and yahoo spaces said. Then I saw his favorite catch phrase... “I want what’s coming to me”.

Isn’t that some bold ish to say when you go around playing folks and breaking hearts and screwing women out of money, time, and innocence?

Anyways… he had 214 women as friends there. All of them thick with big breast. lol I guess that’s his thing. *shrug* So I go down to read the comments on his page… and I find something quite interesting. Ole girl that blasted him on yahoo…also blasted him on his myspace page. I guess she sent notes to those 214 women saying the same stuff she said to us on yahoo. I was very tickled…until I saw most of the comments left about ole girls attempt to call Anthony out. Here are a few…


~Just dropping by to say hey...It looks like you have a little drama on your page...LOL...Hit me up when you get a chance.


~Yo, yall got that message too?!?!?!?!?!?!? LMAO LOL, LMAO... Well, damn she must have a lot of time (being that there are nearly 200 girls in your friends list) and emotions... hope it all works out.


~You know I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt but I can honestly say that you have crossed the STUPID line. Hell you and POP are right up there together wouldn't know a good thing if it sat on your face! You need to get your mind right nigga and make it ASAP! Cause clearly you playing games right now and about to lose the best thing that has happened to you. If you think its a game call POP and ask him what I told him. BITCH GET YOUR MIND RIGHT!

~I recieved a message and hope you good ! Handle ya buisness homie! Two Fingahs

~Hey Anthony - Having a stalkers not easy huh??? lmao. Anyway, just wanted to come by and say hello to you. Good LUCK!!!

~lol I SEE U GOT A STALKER ON YA HANDS ANTHONY LOL HANDLE THAT HOMIE ! LOL


So out of 6 comments… only one girl was upset. lol. I guess she was one of the many that thought she was his main chick.

What’s gets me is that instead of these women having red flags about this neegro going off in their head…or maybe even thinking…wow… she might have a point, they all pretty much take his side and think that she’s either crazy, a stalker, or desperate.

Crazy stuff to me. Just thought I’d share.

I guess he’s still pimpin. What a shame.

Jesus loves the Strippers

interesting story. just wanted to see what you all thought about it.


http://www.beliefnet.com/story/185/story_18586_1.html#cont


Happy Friday!


quote of the day: "don't be sorry ho, be careful" - money mike

Fighting Temptations

9:38 am

I'm walking from the restroom and see this big bowl of laffy taffys, sweet tarts, runts, and bottle caps for the taking. My oh my i have such a sweet tooth!! I grab a few of each and take it to my desk. I'm so hungry. I'll just eat that when i get back...
No wait... I'm fasting today. *having temper tantrum inside*

Okay...i'm good. I'll just put those in my desk and eat them tomorrow. Out of sight... out of mind, right? Whew! Close call. I almost gave up on my vow and it's not even 10am yet.

11:21am

co-worker: guuurl look at this. *bringing me a menu from this jamaican spot* don't that look good! We should go there.

me: *drooling and reading... mmm... chicken pieces shimmered with potatoes in our aromatic curry sauce* Wow... girl that sounds good.

co-worker: Yeah, let's go at noon. You down?

me: *contemplating* Uh... um.. err..see.. well... *looking at the jumbo wings for only $4* How about we go friday? We get paid then and we can really enjoy ourselves cuz...it's friday!

co-worker: Aight. Friday it is. I can't wait.

me: *mumbling* me neither, TRUST me.

12:23 pm
A good friend of mine decides to call on my lunch break... which was cool since i wasn't doing anything anyways... but while we're talking, she's like.. "hold on girl, i'm at burger king"... "uh can i get a whopper with cheese and ..."
LAWD LAWD. Help a sista. lol

1:15pm
I'm thinking YES! I've passed my normal lunch hour. I'm halfway there!! I'm jammin to Launchcast Gospel channel when I smell something AMAZING. I try to ignore it but it's sooooooo strong. *stomach growling* Frank (bka: homegirl), sashays over here and says,
"hey sway, did you eat? there's a TON of food out here, come get some!"

Ahh, so THAT's what I'm smelling. I walk right out of my officle only to find that we have free catered food at the break station which is RIGHT outside my office. And I'm not talking about those cute lil turkey sammiches and chips they usually serve us at meetings. No, No, NO!
I'm talking about salads, rolls, pastas, and some kinda of really delicious looking chicken contraption with sauteed onions, mushrooms, and squash. *drooling profusly* I left immediately. I knew i was in trouble. I came back to my desk to started on this post about my conspiracy theory on food and fasting. But the aroma was getting to me. So this is how a crackhead feels? I gathered. A sista was shakin, and breathin hard. You'd think after fasting for a while you'd get used to not eating... but NO. not.true. lol

Then Frank came around again talkin bout... "girl if you don't GO get some food!!"
So there he is ....at my desk waiting for me to get my tail up. I do. I grab a plate and hook it UP! Get to my desk and stare at it. Moment of truth. Am I gonna just end my fast early and tear into this deliciousness? I began to think, how could this lil stuff have so much control over me? I look at it and smile. When 8pm comes, I'mma tear that food up! lol
I cover it and place it on my desk behind me. Whew. I can't even lick the salad dressing? Man. Aight. I know. I can't. Thanks God for self control.

3:00pm
There's an ice cream social. It seems we ALWAYS have these on the days I decide to fast. lol. It's not quite 3 yet. But I've already decided that I shouldn't even go. I'm not THAT strong! lol

I guess that's why it's better not to even be in the presence of temptation when you can help it. Why do that to yourself? *shrug*

I guess the reason for this post wasn't to share with everyone that i'm fasting... but just to point out how slick the enemy think he is. He's always there to tempt you at your weakest hour. Always trying to make you break your vow to God. To cause you to renege on what you've told God you'd do. He wants to make you a liar. He wants you to bite the hand that feeds you. Oh how many times I've failed the test. I can count the numerous times i've given in with the excuse that "God knows my heart. He'll understand". But not today. I will be strong. I will prove to God that I need Him. That I can be trusted. That my word is bond. That I won't turn back. I'm determined. That even through adversity, He can count on me to do what I said i'll do. And even though this may not seem like much to others in the carnal... the principle is enormous in the spiritual. What I'm standing for goes beyond chicken and ice cream and a laffy taffy. It's about so much more. So I encourage each of you to push the plate back a day or two... pray everytime you feel hungry and think about food. Show God that you care more about what He has to say to you than how good that pasta salad would be going down your belly. A small gesture like that can open up a spiritual blessing like none you've ever imagined. Try it. Then tell me about it. :)

God Bless!

You know how i do...

My goodness it's beautiful today. These past two days has had me excited about the spring. I love warm weather. I guess it's the clothes-hater in me. Coats and sweaters and boots make me VERY irritated. I feel all bulky and restricted. I like to be free. FREE, I say!

It's too bad i haven't been able to go out and enjoy the weather. I can tell it's wonderful out there by looking out of my office window. For the last 30 minutes I've been watching folks stroll, looking at building construction accross the street, and admiring the trees dancing in the light, crisp air. I love looking outside. I always get lost in my thoughts. I looked out today and reminisced about the many phone conversations TG and I had during my lunch hour at that very window seal. I smiled.

Wow. I'm really getting better. Not that i thought I wouldn't. But it's amazing the peace God's been giving me. I agree with our old pastor. It IS much easier to heal and move on without contact. I haven't heard from TG since i told him that Baby was gone.
Of course it did a lil something to my ego that the neegro didn't even call back to see how a sista was, lol.. but i am really glad i don't hear from him or see him. It's easier to move on this way.

Did you know that there are more cars on the road with sunroofs than not?
Okay well... i'm not sure how true that is, but from my year worth of looking down at cars from this window... that's what i've come up with.
Please don't ask why i'm rambling about sunroofs. lol

I dunno. I'm in such a good mood for valentines to have just been tuesday and a sista did nothing but go to dinner with her parents. lol.

I'm actually happy these days. I like it. I'm finally beginning to enjoy life. A sista done got her hair did... nails and toes did... bought a few outfits... and now that the sun's not playing peek-a-boo anymore... I think some new shades are in order. I wanna be straight Diva'd out this spring. Now all i gotta do is get back in that gym. I haven't done a curl or sit up since September and it shows. lol :( But I'm gonna get it together. I'm back people!

The SWAY IS BACK! *running around the office and trying to pop the valentine's day balloons*


WHUUT!!!

You

Fave posted a something last week that pulled at the strings in my heart. I went home and cried for his lost... and for my own.

I never thought i'd publically share this part of my life, but I had to get it out...

This is for you, baby...

Some folks really don't change

Sent: Wednesday, February 8, 2006 3:47:28 pm
To: prvbs31_woman
From: xxxxxxxx xxx
Subject: Anthony Bxxxx

Hi you dont know me but I saw you on anthony friends list. I just wanted to let you know that Anthony Bxxxx is a liar and a cheater. He have 2 kids and live with his baby mother. You may not be messing with him but I am sending this message to everyone he knows. He goes around the net and try to get to know women so he can sleep with them. So please beware of Anthony bxxxx from Arkansas. Lying bastard like him.


This is the email I received yesterday in my yahoo mailbox. Out of curiosity, I looked on Anthony’s yahoo list just to see how many people was on his list and got this message.

53 women.

After laughing for a while, I shook my head in approval. Hopefully this little mass email was effective. I’m sure he was probably messing with at least 30 of them as we speak. Using some for sex. Others for money. Some for both. Some for back ups…since he has to keep his pimp game alive. Wouldn’t want to run out of cash flow…or sex flow. Yup. That’s the Anthony I knew. I figured he would have grown up a bit by now, but it seems that Anthony, my sweet charming Anthony, is the same piece of *insert choice word here* he was when we were dating.

You DO remember Anthony don’t you? AB. Mr. Ethereal. Mr. Prince Charming himself? Or the real him, "Mr. 3rd Least important person i'll ever meet"? Yup. This neegro ain’t changed.

I wanted to put him on blast like this when he hurt me. But I figured vengeance was Gods and I’d let God deal with him. Well this sista said to hell with all that. She gonna do her part to warn other women of him. Hey…I ain’t mad at her. Women need to know about no good people like Anthony. I hope it works though. *sigh*

I remember Anthony all too well. Smooth Talker. Nice lil southern drawl. Very attentive and curteous. The type of man that’ll ask you the right questions to give you the opportunity to start talking and sharing… in turn giving him the opportunity to show you he’s interested, and he’s a great listener. The type of man that tells you instead of coming to his house for a late night dinner and movie (which would lead to some other late night activities) he’d suggest that you two go out to a park and let him read to you his favorite book. He was the type of man that would look at you longingly and run to search his trusty dictionary to find the perfect word to describe you. He was the type of man who would tell you his dreams, his fears, his strengths and his weaknesses.

He was the perfect romancer.

I guess that’s why we ALL loved him. And who was he to turn away such beautiful loving women? *eye roll*

What scares me about this whole ordeal is that now that I’m reminiscing on how smooth, sexy, and laid back he was…I am not so confident that this little email will put an end his game. I hope some of the women will have strong enough will power to resist being sucked back in, but I got this sinking feeling in my stomach that at least half the women on that list will still mess with Anthony. And how many more didn't even recieve this message. I remember the night he accidentally left his phone at the house while driving MY car to the store. It rang so many times back to back that I got irritated and just wanted to see WHO and WHY was this person calling BACK TO BACK TO BACK for someone who obviously isn't gonna answer.

I was so surprised when his missed call list had different phone numbers each time. Going against my "never scroll through my man's phone" rule. I looked in his phone book. To this day, i have NEVER seen that many female names and numbers in my life. I only got to the letter D before he came back home. Anthony is on some ole... Wilt Chamberlin mess.

Either way… I pray for all those who come in contact with him. *lawd help them*
Cuz the sad part is that I know for a fact that what she know is only HALF the story. He had more that 2 kids when I knew him. So I can only imagine what he’s done since then cuz he isn’t too fond of protection …and the neegro won’t be too quick to do a pull out. *letting that sink in* Got-sta be mo’ careful. *smh*


So ladies…Men… I want your honest opinion about this. How do you feel about putting someone on blast like ole girl did? Do you think it was her place to do it? You think she was wrong? Let me know, I’m interested in hearing your opinion.

Sing a little song, Do a little dance, Watch a little FB

Okay its 9:30 on a Monday morning and I’m sitting at my desk looking out the window at the raindrops and bare trees. I’m at peace right now, which is amazing because on my hour+ commute to work today I sprinkled my cheeks with tears. I always feel a little sad after TG calls me. I didn’t answer this time, and I didn’t call him back, which is a good sign I’m getting better. But now I’m at work, and I didn’t want to start the work week off crying…so I sucked it up, walked in …and surprisingly, I feel better.

For the first time in over a year, I’ve finished ALL of my work. I feel…well… who am I kidding… I’m boooooooored!! lol Not in the, “I-hate-that-I-am-here-please-let-me-go-home” kind of bored cuz honestly, I can’t think of one place I’d actually want to be right now. *shrug* It’s okay I guess. I’m content with sitting here. Looking bored. Listening to launchcast. Hoping someone will email me or call... or give me a new project to work on. At least I wasn’t bored this weekend. I actually had a really nice weekend. :)
How about I give you a rundown…

Friday- I went to church. The leader/recruiter in the singing group in which TG and I met and eventually quit wants me to come back to the group now that they’ve heard TG and I are no longer together. I guess they thought that he was somehow manipulating me and making me quit …which was SOOOO not the case. I guess they’ll be surprised next week when I don’t show up for practice. lol Anywho…the leader/recruiter called me a few weeks back and invited me to come to his church on Friday nights. He felt like it would be good for me. I said no thanks for 3 weeks in a row but every week he’d call again. So I finally said okay just to get him off my back. Lord knows I really didn’t want to go. But you know what, I’m sooo glad I did. It was a really small church off of Memorial Drive. I was the first one there besides the Pastor, his wife, and their “I don’t know why but you’re kinda cute to me” son. After 10 minutes or so… people began to fill in and church started. I must say, I really enjoyed myself. I don’t EVER remember a time where I’ve pressed my way to church and wasn’t fulfilled after I got there. I guess that’s what I love about God and church… I am ALWAYS uplifted if I can just get my tail there.

So I go, and I’m very content with sitting in the middle row singing just loud enough that I’m audible to myself and Jesus…when all of a sudden I’m pulled out of my worship experience by someone on the mic beckoning for me to come up and finish the song. Startled by hearing my name, I open my eyes and I make my way up to the front of these familiar strangers and began nervously singing praises to The Almighty. Before you know it, I’m all into it, and I had to practically pull myself away from the mic because I could have stayed up there all night. That’s where I need to be. That’s where I’m comfortable. Singing to my Lord. Being allowed to Bless Him publicly, and also knowing that someone is being blessed by the gift God has given me. It really made me happy.

I thought that was it for the night, but before the Pastor spoke, he called me up to do another selection. I thought I was caught off guard before. *whew* I didn’t even have a song in mind. Then God reminded me of the song He’d given me a few weeks ago. So I found myself singing an original song for the first time for someone other than my reflection and teddy bears. Pastor’s son wasn’t even gonna ATTEMPT to follow me on the board so I was mega comfortable since I’m used to singing with out music anyways. lol.

After that, Pastor brought The Word, which was good. It needs its own post. Remind me to write about it.

I got in line for prayer after the preaching and happened to get the Pastor's Wife. It’s amazing how God works. I love it when He uses people that don’t know me from Eve to speak to me about my current situation. She just began praying for me…then she started to speak to me about my current state of loneliness...and trust me, I didn't look lonely friday night. Ya girl was too cute...and i felt good too...so i really didn't think i gave off the "lonely" or "single" vibe. Then she grabbed my face and said, "Honey, it's got-ta be the right man. You hear me? It's GOT-TA BE THE R-IIIII-G-H-T M-AAAAA-N!! When your husband find you, and HE WILL find YOOOOU! He's gonna find you busy. You'll already be working honey. Let God do it cuz any man just won't do. You are special... don't settle ya hear me..." and you get the picture. And it just really spoke to me because my mom just told me the SAME thing the day before…but it didn’t register as well because she’s my mom. Of COURSE she’s gonna say that. lol But I was able to receive it better from someone that had no idea if I was married or not… lonely or not…looking or not. She said a lot to me that I’d rather keep to myself, but everything she said was on point. I needed that. It refreshed me. I went to bed very grateful for God’s Word.

Saturday was an interesting day. I went to see Alvin Ailey with the ministry TG and I were in together. I knew before hand that women only were going, so I felt better knowing that I didn’t have to see him. I must admit, I LOOOOOVE that church and the people there. I hate that things with TG and I panned out the way they did because I really wanted to continue in that ministry. Everything has it’s time and purpose so I’ll just let God lead me as to what to do about that.

Alvin Ailey was cool. To be honest, it wasn’t my favorite performance from them, but it was good nonetheless. I’m still gonna try to go again next year. It’s becoming a tradition for me. After that, all 28 of us went to Mick’s on Peachtree to sit and run our chatterbox. Of course a lot of the women wanted to know what happened. Only a few asked. lol Most just said they missed me alot and asked where i've been. I guess they wanted me to start spilling my guts but I kept it really simple. I know they’ve all noticed I haven’t been there… and Karen (TG’s new/old woman) HAS been there… from what I’ve heard…sitting in what they have deemed “MY” seat. lol. So of course there were a lot of confused people since TG kinda left it “undone”. I played clean though. I just said I was fine, and TG and I decided to go our separate ways. If I said anything more, he would have been wondering why all the ladies at church were rolling their eyes at him Sunday.

I did confide in the first lady and her neice (which was my dance partner there) a week ago about what REALLY happened.

note: A lot of things I don’t share with you guys (sorry faithful readers) just because I have NOOOO idea who reads this blog and by me not knowing if people i interact with on a daily basis read my blog... i don't feel comfortable sharing ERRYTHANG. lol. There are some things I just don’t want ERRYBODY knowing. If you just REALLY WANNA KNOW...hit me up via email or yahoo IM. end note

However, I shared it all with them. So of course when they did get a chance to chat face to face with me Saturday, they wanted me to know that I will always be a part of that church and it’s just as much my church as it is TG’s. I’m still praying about things because honestly, they want me to continue being in the dance ministry…and I REALLY want to. I just don’t know how that will work out right now, so I told them I want to, but I’m gonna give it a few months first. I want Karen to feel comfortable there…and I want to feel comfortable too…and I don’t think either of us would feel comfortable right now both being in love with the same man.

I was happy we all went out though. It was very nice receiving love from what I still call my church home. Though I’m not there on Sundays physically, I’m there in spirit. And it’s nice to know that people care.

Sunday was WONDERFUL. I can’t even begin to talk about Sunday, but thank you so much to the sweet person I was blessed to have spent time with ( you know who you are). It’s good to have friends that truly care for you and encourage you. It’s good to be able to just be you around folks. I needed that... And I think they did too. I’m glad we could help each other. Plus the steelers won. I’m not gonna front like I am sooo super crunk about it cuz really I don’t care for either team. But I really do like THE BUS ( he looks like my eye doctor) and I wanted to see him get a ring before he retired. So it was a nice ending to a nice day.

Anyways… I’ve managed to waste an hour and a half already (yippee). Now maybe I can walk around the building, use the restroom, play solitaire, eat, and read a few blogs and the day will be over. lol Happy Monday everyone!

Last post about my feelings. I promise! lol

"Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself;I am large, I contain multitudes."
-Walt Whitman


Isn’t it amazing how we are less likely to take our own advice? It always fascinates me on how well I and others can tell someone else what they should do when about a certain situation and when we face the same or similar situation, we are completely lost. lol. I guess it IS true. There is no real reality. There’s only one’s perception of it. And unfortunately our perception is skewed by our past experiences and egocentric attitudes. Meaning… My problems are ALWAYS worse than yours no matter if it’s the same problem simply because they are MY problems. lol

We are soooo self absorbed aren’t we? I find myself in that predicament as I type. One thing I like about myself is my ability to realize my negative traits…laugh at myself… then really work to fix it. I’ve realized that I am SO self absorbed…and what’s even worse than that is that I still don’t listen to my own self. This problem I really hope I fix. I usually find myself in the encouraging position of situations. People come to me with all types of problems and I listen and feel compelled to give them SOMETHING. That’s the reason I became so fixated on Psychological Studies Institute. I wanted to become a Licensed Professional Christian Counselor with emphasis in marriage and family. (try saying that in one breath) And I still do. But it’s amazing that now I’m on the receiving end of the encouragement and words of advice from people I didn’t even know cared. It’s been nice and I must say, everyone has helped me in this long process to recovery and I am so grateful.

However, I’ve learned something about myself. I am very stubborn and hardheaded. When I wanna do something, I do it. And unfortunately, most of the words of advice and encouragement I’ve gotten, while grateful for it, I still felt horrible. I answered his calls, when the leading advice was to have no contact with him for a while. And then I wondered why I felt so bad. lol I’m grieving and moping, and wishing and trying to figure out what went wrong…when EVERYONE including myself has said… to just let it go. God doesn’t make mistakes. God knows what He’s doing. Lean not unto your OWN understanding Sway. I know I know. I hear it. I say it. I even believe it. But I find myself still wondering why? Still crying over old news. Still trying to figure out if I can ever get that back. *sigh* I feel crazy cuz I don’t even take my OWN advice. lol.

I wanna start.

My favorite quote for a broken heart was “Don’t cry because it’s over, Smile because it happened.”

Oh how I loooooove that quote. Oh how I wanted to live my life by that. And I’m trying. When I pray now, I thank God for the small time He allowed TG and I to find true love in each other. Well… I can’t speak for TG. So I thank God for allowing me to experience true love. I have WONDERFUL memories. I wouldn’t change one day with TG. Never have a felt so special and so at peace. Never have I smiled for no reason so much. Never did I praise God for allowing me to feel pure bliss. It was great while it lasted. And my only regret is that I couldn’t put that feeling in a bottle and save it.

But somehow, even after I smile… MY reality set in… knowing that what we had is no more…and the sadness of not having that sometimes overwhelm the fact that I was blessed to have even experienced something as wonderful as that. And in true human fashion, it goes in one ear and out the other when people say that they know exactly what I’m going through. When they say they’ve been here. I know in my head they have…but my heart tells a different story. I feel like no one could possibly know how I feel. I know it is gonna take me longer than a month to get over my true love. I know it’ll sting for a while to know that he’s fine without me. But even grief has its stages. And I really feel like I’m tired of crying. I might still hurt, but I don’t wanna shed another depressed tear for what was. I’m ready to look forward. I’m ready to smile with out immediately crying. I’m ready to accept that THAT particular gift from God was not for a lifetime, it was only for a season. And just because it was for a season makes it no less special, and no less of a blessing.

So, I will try to stop contradicting myself in this area of my life. I will take my own advice. I will smile because it happened. I’m tired of telling folks that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose, then having the audacity to be afraid of what my future will hold. I’m tired of saying that God has so many great things in store for others, and not believing anything better can come along in my life. I can’t believe how many times I’ve told folks not to lean to their understanding but in all ways acknowledge God and He'll direct their path, and I’ve been racking my brain trying to understand WHY things are this way and HOW this could happen. I must believe my own words for my own life. Only then will I be able to have any kind of peace. God’s ways are not like ours. Our understanding is limited. His is infinite. Only God knows why things shifted. And I should leave it to Him to continue guiding me the right way. If and when He decides to reveal it to me, then and only then will I know. So my prayer is to be content not being able to look in the mirror and see what it is God is doing. As long as He’s driving, I know I can’t be lost. I know I’m in safe hands. Now if I can just get that in my heart I'll be great!

I'm Okay

It’s Monday… and one day short of being a month since TG and I parted ways.

I’m okay.

Sure I have my moments where I go to my keyboard and play some of the beautiful melodies he made for me and reminisce about the many nights he’d stand in front of his board and make up a tune for me while I ad lib some silly words about how much I loved him….and I’d break down and cry. And of course there are those moments when I smell my clothes he washed …and floods of emotions come back to the many days I spent in his t-shirts…lounging around and talking about our future…and my heart breaks all over again. But you know what… those memories are spacing out more and more each day…and I find myself having more periods of joy and happiness not thinking about him…or her… or them.

I’m okay. And hopefully next month I’ll be good. Then great.

I didn’t do too much this weekend. I had plans to stay in my PJ’s all weekend and do some cleaning but I didn’t. I was supposed to go out on a …well I don’t know what it was supposed to be. lol
There’s this security guard at my job that has taken a liking to me. I don’t know why security guards like me, but they do. lol. Every male security guard that has worked here over the last few years has found a way to make conversation with me and somehow ask me out. Of course I’ve never taken any of them up on their offer. Mainly cuz I’m sure I wasn’t the only one they were asking out. And I wasn’t really planning on “getting” with this one either…although I was gonna let him take me out once. lol But both He and I know that I’m in “rebound” mode right now. I’m afraid that he’d try to take advantage of my fragileness...and I'm also afraid that I wouldn’t be fair to him. I’d just use him for company and to fill the physical void of having someone there on Fridays and Saturdays…and then when I’m all better, drop him like a bad habit. I can’t do that to people…so lately I’ve been avoiding him.

I’ve known he’s liked me for a while, and his subtle advances have become less and less subtle since he found out that TG and I aren’t together and I’m now a single woman. Friday he made his move. He casually asked me to go to the park for a picnic with him on Saturday. I told him I’d think about it. He said he had to work here until 3, but gave me the number to the FRONT DESK… ( NOT his number) and told me to call him when I woke up and we could take it from there.

I planned not to call him as soon as I saw our company’s number. lol. I mean, to me that move was a little weird. If you gonna try to get at me, then TRY. Giving me your work number tells me you don’t want me to have your cell number (and that’s assuming you have one… Lord, I hope his lack of a cell phone isn't the reason he gave me his work phone number. lol). And if you are trying to holla at me, why wouldn’t you want me to have your number? Red Flags. RED FLAGS. lol It’s just too questionable for me. You trying to take me out, but you don’t give me your number? And you didn't ask for mine? You wanna put the ball in my court…which is fine with me. Good move. If i call, then you know i'm interested...and you had a MUCH better chance of me taking your number then gettin mine. Okay. Got it. But the whole call before 3 or you won’t get me thing...kinda forces me to make a move. It's no longer a "call if you want, when you want" thing...it's a "call me while you have a chance or you'll miss out" thing. Well at least in my crazy brain it is. lol. It just sounds a little "smooth" to me. I know I’ve been out the game a while…but I opted to not call.

I knew I'd have to face him today...and wasn't really worried about it. I figured he'd either act as if nothing happened... or ask me why i didn't call. Either way, I was good. I'd just non chalantly tell him that by the time I was available to call, it was after 3.
He usually works the evening shift so I see him before I leave work, but this morning he was here when I walked in. I wasn’t expecting to see him this early. I didn't have my game face on. I wasn't expected to explain anything at 8am. lol. As I turned the corner I was startled to see him and I'm sure it showed. He had this… “you stood me up” look on his face which was so funny that I couldn’t help but laugh. He was all like “Man Sway, I was looking at the phone all day”
lol... Awwww
At least he has some lines. He’s kinda cute. I couldn’t see myself dating him for real though. I’m still in the healing process. I’m still trying to get my heart back right. But… I dunno… I like the extra attention. The 5 minutes a day flirting we do. He’s fun to play with. And it’s nice to know that someone wants some of my time.

So since I didn’t call him Saturday… I did what all single women wanting to get over their love would do. I went shopping.

I may not have a man, but my wardrobe is gonna be SIZZLING. lol

I didn’t go too crazy though. I’m gonna take care of myself this year. I’m gonna invest more. Save more. Pay off my bills…get my life back on track.

Okay…I’m done rambling.
Have a wonderful Monday!

Memories…

There are so many…

just floating around in my head and resurfacing at the most odd and random moments. Half of them I can hardly believe even happened. Yet they’re there. The visual imprints in my mind…forever burned and etched in my skull. I figured I’d share a few.

Memory most like a movie: Have anyone seen Tommy Boy? Well there’s a scene in there where David Spade and Chris Farley are riding in the car singing…without a care in the world and all of a sudden their hood flies up and they both scream because they CAN’T see the road.



Well… yeah…um…err…that happened to me and one of my boyfriends. I think it was either ’99 or ’00. We were leaving my college in conyers and we were heading down I-20 to Riverdale since that’s where he/we lived. We were doing our usual thing, he was driving his black beretta in the fast lane at about 80-85 mph and we were singing/rapping as we ALWAYS did in the car. Not a care in the world. Out of nowhere the world becomes black…and we hear the loudest thump I’ve ever heard in a car. The hood blew up so fast that it actually took me a second to realize what really happened. Surpisingly neither of us screamed or panicked. I started looking out the side window and mirror to see if he could get over. Thank GOD no cars were coming. He was scooting down in his seat trying to see through the small crack between the hood and the dashboard. We made it safely to the emergency lane…and we both got out to see the hood WRAPPED around the top of the car. It popped his rearview mirror off, and shattered/blowed his inside lights. After accessing the damage, being REALLY embarrassed, and laughing to keep from crying since this was OUR ONLY means of transportation…and he was a commission only salesman…. He stood on top of the car, kicked the hood with all his might until he finally got the hood back down. Of course it wouldn’t latch on properly because it was severely deformed….so we took his dog’s leash and tied the hood to the bumper. lol. Oh my goodness. *smh* That was sooooo scary... and embarrassing. Good times though. After I realized we weren’t dead, his car still worked, and I thanked God for that… I thought the whole scene was pretty amusing. I hope that never happens again. Once is definitely enough.

Most romantic memory: Well, I’ve had my share of romantic dates. Of course they usually are a lot better in my head. But hey, life’s not over right? So as of date, I think my most romantic memory was from my ’04 trip to Jekyll Island. Now this is weird to say because they guy I went with was not my boyfriend…and in all honesty, nothing was ever really “romantic” with us. When we’re together, we are the silliest two people on the planet. I don’t think we’ve ever had a serious moment since we’ve known each other. So for this to be my most romantic memory is kinda weird. I guess I gauge romance differently. Usually, when I have a romantic date, everything is all planned and it’s “supposed” to be romantic… so that kinda takes away from the entire aura...even though it is still special and romantic.

I guess what happened here was that the trip was very “impromptu”. It started off as kind of a joke…as everything does with us. We talked about it to kill time at work…but the more I actually thought about it, the more I was like…why not. *shrug* lol I needed a vacation. He didn’t seem to mind going. It was almost October and the prices were a little cheaper. Let’s do it. So I planned a weekend getaway to Jekyll. I’d never been and neither had he. I knew we’d have fun because we’re both silly and we’d find something to do…even if it’s just playing in the water…or looking for seashells. We didn't have an agenda. We were just gonna go.

Anywho… we get down there… and our room has a Jacuzzi in it with mirrors all around it. It was nice. Of course I was like… we GOTTA use that sometime on this trip. I don’t think there were candles…or rose petals…or even music playing…but something about us being in the Jacuzzi together was one of the most romantic memories I have. I guess it was one of the few moments in our friendship where neither one of us had a joke…neither one of us wanted to joke… everything was all of a sudden…steamy…and passionate…and… “couply”. I never really looked at him that way before then. It was kinda unexpected. I guess surprises like that are romantic to me. No one tried to make it that way…it just was.

Most embarrassing memory: Man, as clumsy as I am, I’m not really sure which memory is most embarrassing. lol. There was this one time in 8th grade where I feel off the stage at a band concert with my clarinet. *smh* Then there was another time when my mom jacked up both my boyfriends at the concession stand in the 3rd quarter of our highschool football game and EVERYBODY saw it and heard what she said. *smh* Then there was the time that I thought I was cute and saw this man looking at me while I was coming out of the store and I sashayed my cute behind to the wrong car and got in, only to see that the person driving was NOT my cousin. Then had to get out, while they laughed and get in the right car…all while the sexy man looked at me . *smh* I hate being blind. But I think what takes the cake is the scene I’ve shared a few times already on this blog. The tube top incident.

It’s my first year of college, I’m meeting new people…getting my freedom on. And 4 of my girls decide that they wanted to go to West Georgia to get their party on… so all 5 of us hop in my girl's car and jam down to some club close to W. Ga. Now mind you, I JUST turned 18, and besides the lil kiddie/ after high school graduation clubs, I had never been to a real club before. I was very wet behind the ears. But you wouldn’t know it to look at me. I was fine as all get out back then. Had on a lil black tube top, black and silver pants, black strap up stilettos and I was working it. We get there and no one’s dancing. I didn’t blame them, the music was horrible. About 30 minutes later, the crowd gets a little thicker and folks started requesting some booty shake music. So we get on the dance floor, make our infamous “girl circle” and dance with each other. After a while, the wallflowers decide they wanna pick us off one by one and dance with us. An okay looking guy pulls me out the group and asks me my name while holding my hips and dancing with me. He was tall. The top of my head didn’t even feel like it reached the middle of his chest. He didn’t seem to mind though. After a few dances, he asked me if I wanted something to drink. (drink?…I’ve never had alcohol before). I played it off and told him to surpise me with a lil somethin somethin. He smiled and disappeared through the crowd. I watched him pick me out something at the bar. My very first drink… I thought to myself. He walked back with a small shot glass of something clear. I’m so stupid, I figured if it’s clear, it’s probably not that harmless. I mean water is clear. Duh! *blink, blink* Man, I had a lot to learn.
So I take this clear contraption to the head.

May I just say, I have NEVER felt a fire in my chest quite like that shot of Tanqueray. My insides were burning! B.U.R.N.I.N.G.
Whew. It was rough going down. I mean it tastes like pepper. Ugh!

But about 10 minutes after that shot…the world was looking kinda nice. He asked me if I wanted another….and my retarded behind said yes. I’m dancing, I’m sippin on my second shot… and all is right with the world. I’m so sexy. Sooooo so sexy. Get it Sway. Shake that thang. Drop on that neeegro. Brang those hips up. Show ‘em what u got girl.
I was on cloud 9. lol *I’m so stupid*

So I’m dancing with ole dude… he’s turned me around letting my butt massage his thighs and his hands on my waist and we’re dancing… err… I’m dancing… I have NO idea what he was doing.
I had a fan in the corner. This cat had been looking at me for the last 5 minutes and I made SURE to put on a show. He know I’m sexy. You can look papi… you know I’m fine. You like how I dip? My hips mesmerizing you ain’t they? lol

He finally gets up. Awww man, I think to myself. I knew my sexiness would make him come over. He gets right in front of me… so close I can smell his beer and winterfresh breath. He leans over toward my ear, but I jerk away. “Don’t you see I’m dancing with someone?” I snap. I hate when men try to step to me when I’m with someone. He don’t know if that’s my man or not. Don’t be disrespectful. UGH!

Old dude pulls back from me and look me up and down and says… “ain’t nobody trying to holla at you. I was just finna tell you yo’ tube top is down.”

*Womp Womp*

Don’t I feel stupid. I look down and there go my boys….hanging loose. Dancing right along with me. I had to be GONE not to notice that. I don’t have no little boys either. Them thangs are heavy. How did I not know??? Immediately my face gets hot and I pull up my top… run to find my friends and head outside to tell them what happened. They laughed their behinds off at me. The whole year my nickname was “flash”. That was the last time I wore a tube top…or drank tanqueray. The sad thing is that I have NO idea how many folks saw my top down. And I know that fool with whom I was dancing is somewhere telling this story to his boys cuz his behind SHOLE didn’t tell me my top was down. *smh*

Well i guess that's enough reminiscing for today. Happy Hump Day everyone!

My heart's still broken...but at least 2 families aren't

FYI…this post was written over a few days, so forgive me for the inconsistencies and length. I was all over the place. :)



My mom told me that TG’s sister called me around midnight last Wednesday night/Thursday morning on HER phone.

This shocked me as well as my mom because while Koki and I are cool, She rarely calls me. So I made it a point to give her a call back yesterday (Thursday) at work.

She knows about TG and I. I called her last week to thank her for being such a good sister for the time TG and I was together. She told me that she’s truly sorry for what her brother did, and in her eyes, I’ll aways be her sister.
It brought a tear to my eye. His family really did like me. And I liked them. It’s unfortunate they won’t be my in-laws.

So anyways I call her around 11am yesterday, and she pretty much told me she was only calling to check on me. That “check-up” turned into an hour and a half conversation about TG…Karen (his ex wife)…me …the kids….and some other stuff I’ve failed to mention in this blog.

Koki gave me an earful. With each word my stomach tightened up and I felt more and more hurt. The things she told me about TG hurt me. How can the man she’s describing be the man that I’ve spent almost the last year with? This sounds nothing like him. I wish I would have known all this BEFORE we got serious. WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME this is typical TG stuff? Anyways… she tells me she loves her brother, and she thought he was better, but apparently he’s either MENTAL or he’s an habitual uncontrollable liar and in her words, TG and Karen deserve each other cuz they both crazy.

What about all this God stuff? What about all those many nights we prayed together about our future and the ministry God placed in us…and yada yada… That was all fake?

That’s hard for me to believe. Anyways…the convo with her left a bad taste in my mouth. I don’t know whether to believe her or not. Half of what she says makes sense…but half of it doesn’t. Our convo ended when TG called me around 12:30ish.

He didn’t want anything. Just to tell me that it was beautiful outside and that if he was close to my job, he’d pick up some subs and take me out to the park I once took him to over here and we’d have a picnic. Huh? Why would he say something like that to me?
I know I need to stop talking to him for a while. Cuz every time I hear his voice, I miss him. And he’s not making it any better.
Anyways, I burst his little fantasy up when I told him that I had just finished talking to Koki.

I know she gave you an earful. He uneasily remarked. He wanted to play it cool, but I know he was DYING for me to tell him what she said. He tried to do damage control by saying that “you know Koki, she always talking about something she doesn’t know about.” Little does he know. His beloved EX/Future wife Karen has been running her mouth to Koki too. His sister knows more than he’s giving her credit for. But I just said…uh. And left it at that.

He’s leaving for Columbus tonight (edit…this was last Thursday). Aint that something. This neegro needed no time to get over me. Bye Sway, Hi Karen. Just like that. It makes me question if we even had anything. How can you just so easily rid your mind and heart of me and move on so quickly? With each passing day, I began to get this uneasy feeling that I got played. BIG TIME.
And what makes it so bad is that he says God shifted his love. The reason he’s not feeling bad about leaving me is because God made him stop loving me…and gave him love for her. WTH? Are you serious? So now not only do you not CARE that I’m just left here hurting, but you’re saying that God is the reason you don’t CARE?????? *fuming*

I bite my tongue and leave it all alone because honestly, the way this thing has gone down, I don’t know anything anymore, everything seems like a lie…and nothing makes sense. I can’t comment too much cuz what if by some crazy chance TG is telling the truth? What if things are happening just as he says they are… I can’t be mad at God for whatever He’s doing. *sigh* I just gotta pray for understanding...for revelation. If TG's doing what God says do, then I'm sure God should be telling me some things too right? *shrug*

So this grave feeling remains at the pit of my stomach all day… and I’m consumed by all of these thoughts and theories and blah…then I get a call around 4 from a really nice blog friend. *waving hi* And he’s just calling to check up on me. Lord knows I needed to just get my mind off of this madness. So we talk and talk…and talk. lol. In fact we talk all the way until I get off work, get in the car, sit in traffic, and get about 3 minutes from my house. He’s taken my mind off of Karen, Koki, and TG. I was so grateful. I was just focusing on life…and peace.

I live in the boonies, so anyone who knows me know that my celly does NOT work at home. So I gave my blog friend my home number and told him to call me in 5 minutes. We hung up and my mind was free… I was just grateful that the sinking feeling in my stomach was gone. As I sped around the dangerous curves around my house, I see this girl walking down the street with two bags of luggage. I was going so fast I really just sped right on by her, but since I was already praying I said a quick prayer for her as I looked at her in my rearview mirror. “Lord, please protect her… Oh Jesus…”
Before I could get anymore of my prayer out I found myself whipping my car back around and heading back to her. That’s something I’d NEVER do alone…on THAT street. I had NO cell phone reception. The way the street is made, it’s just trees, a creek, and a lot of unknowns. It's seriously a street out of a scary movie with the winding trees glooming over the unlit street. That's why I zoom through it usually. Even in the daytime, that street gives me the creeps. My mom is so paranoid and unfortunately she’s rubbed off on me. I could hear her voice in my head as I searched for the girl. “and don’t you be picking up any strangers. I don’t care what they look like. Just pray for them, you never know, it could be a trap. She could have someone around the corner waiting for you to stop and help her and they pull a gun on you and kill you.” lol. Sad but hey, that’s what I’ve been taught. But “something” told me to just do it. That something was God.

I finally see the young girl…probably around my age walking in the middle of the street with two HUGE bags of luggage. I stop and ask her if she was okay. She said yes. I asked if she needed a ride, and she quickly contemplated whether I was a killer or not…and said yes. I put my hazard lights on and motioned for the stupid cars behind me to just GO around. (I KNOW they saw me trying to help this girl…why act stupid and just sit there…ain’t no cars coming). Her bags were soooooooo heavy. I put them in my trunk. If by chance she was a crazy killer, I wanted all her ropes, guns, duct tape and etc.. as FAR away from the front seat as possible.
I asked her where she was going. She said to the greyhound station. Blink…blink.

Um…yeah. I have NO idea where that is. Besides… "something" told me to whip the car BACK around and head towards home. My dad was there and I know he’d know what to do.
During the 3 minutes to my house, I found out that she has only been in Atlanta for 5 days and she’s just ready to go back home to Cali and be with her mother. The way she was just walking down the street led me to believe that this wasn’t some planned incident. No one just takes of walking down THAT street. The nearest bus station (if she even knew where she was going and she didn’t cuz she told me) is about 10-15 minutes away… DRIVING. I figured someone threw her out. A boyfriend maybe. I was gonna ask her all that later. I was at my house.

I told her to sit tight, and asked her if she needed anything. She said no, while looking out the side mirror and squinting. There was a green SUV stopped right at the top of my driveway. She gets out and says…that’s my dad.

I’m like wth? What is going on. Your dad? Why was you walking down the street if your dad has a car? So he jumps out with his ID and a pen…and by that time, they exchange words and I’m out the car walking towards my door. My eagle eye dad comes flying out the house with no shirt or shoes on looking all country asking me what was going on. I tried to quickly fill him in, but was interrupted by her dad asking who WE were. lol

So her dad shows my dad his ID and says that this is his daughter and that she just walked out the house and if she wanna go…she can go, but he at least wanted get my tag number (lol) just in case.

So we’re all filled in. She’s talking to me and her dad is talking to my dad. And we find out what went down and why she was just walking her narrow butt down that dangerous street.

Apparently she’s been in Atlanta for 5 days. She moved down with her dad and his wife from Cali, where she’s lived her entire life with her mom and 12 brothers and sisters. From what we gathered…there’s 25 ppl up in Cali living in one house. (please re-read that sentence and let it sink in) So her dad sent for her to come live here since she just graduated high school last June and he figured she’d have a better chance of surviving in a nice house/environment with him. Well…dad and this young lady Cee… couldn’t seem to get along. So after a heated argument, she storms out, and he lets her. That’s where I unknowingly came in. It’s amazing how God can put you in the right place at the right time. Since me picking her up Thursday evening, my parents have both gotten involved and talked to her dad and his wife and we’ve had sort of a “family intervention/counseling” session with them AND her mother in Cali. I’m leaving out many details since I just realized that this post is all over the place and it’s super long… but it’s just amazing how I’ve been feeling horrible about not hearing God’s voice and wondering what it sounds like, and thought God hasn’t specifically answered me about my specific situation, He still managed to show me that when He speaks, I DO KNOW IT. I had no hesitations about picking up that lady because God specifically told ME to do it. I had NO hesitations taking her to my house because God told me to do it. I knew His voice. It was instictual almost. Loud and clear. And though I had a few reservations while doing it, I KNEW that I KNEW that this was the right thing to do. And from that, God used my family to help restore a father/daughter relationship that might have remained forever torn. Thank you Jesus.

Knowing that God still speaks to me is important. And though I may have missed the mark with TG, at least I know that He’s given me another chance to get it right with each new morning.

And as I reflect on things said earlier in this post… I realize that I do actually believe TG. After listening to his sister, I felt really played…and lied to. But I have a calm feeling about it all now. I do think TG loved me. And I do think he wanted to marry me. I have no idea why things shifted the way they did. I have no idea why things are they way they are now. I’m sad to admit that I’m still very hurt, and unfortunately a little bitter. But I also know that in time, God will reveal to me why I went through what I went through with him.

Single Mom asked me a question in the comments section. She asked if I asked God for His will to be done, or did I ask for a husband. Honestly, I asked for both. I asked that He guide me to the one He’s selected for me and that His will is done in my life. I asked Him to keep me from all that wished to harm me. And as far as I know…He has. I don’t think TG meant to harm me. Honestly I keep saying this cuz I really am confused.. lol I DON'T KNOW WHAT happened. Friday Dec. 30th, were discussing moving in together, getting married, preparing for the future. Sat Night/Sun Morning Dec 31/Jan1 we’re breaking up for no apparent reason except that something changed and we couldn’t figure out what it was or why. Next thing I know... 3 days later, he's saying God is telling him to make things right with his family. Was it God? Was it just him? I don't know. All i know is that things seem to be looking up for him. Which of course makes me happy since I do love him and honestly want the best for him. But it SUCKS SO MUCH to know he's doing better WITHOUT me. lol. And I'm not doing too well. *shrug*

Either way, I pray that God directs TG's and Karen's footsteps. For TG's sake, I hope that their marriage is successful this time. Because if not, he messed up a REALLY GOOD thing with us. And it will only be his loss... cuz i know God's gonna hook me up with someone down the road.

The good thing I do see out of all of this is that God restored a family. Whether I want to admit it or not, that was TG's wife. That was his family. So, at least they’re back together now.

It leaves me in the rain, but I know God has something great in store for me. I have renewed faith that God will give me more than I could possibly imagine….and in time, I’ll know why things happened the way they did.

Continue to keep me in your prayers.