Tuesday's Thoughts

So here we are.

On the last day of September.

How in the heck did we get so far down in the year? It seems that the longer I live, the faster time goes. Pretty soon it'll be Thanksgiving, Christmas then 2009!!

I'm honestly looking forward to the remainder of the year. Always hoping that latter will be greater than the former. I'm grateful that Usher is still at his job and I can finally focus on my bills full force now. I still haven't learned how to just be a girlfriend. I always go to wife mode. Always wanting to help a little more than I should. It's not right, but it's okay. I am who I am. When I truly get disgusted with myself for investing in people who can quickly leave...I'll change.

I have no idea what our plans are for thanksgiving. Christmas is going to be phenomenal! We're attempting to go to the mountains again. This time, we booked one HUGE cabin. 3 stories. 3 decks. Basketball court. 5 Jacuzzis. Pool and Ping Pong table. Play room for the kids. Enough rooms for 30 people to comfortably sleep. It sounds really great. And we're actually going to be ON the mountain this time instead of near.

I hate that Usher doesn't want to go this year. :( I took it kinda hard. It'll be our first Christmas apart and I got used to spending holidays with him. So that's the only bummer part. But we'll only be there for about 3 days...so I'll manage. lol

Anways...I didn't really want to write much today. Just thought I'd allow myself the satisfaction of pecking on a few keys so that everyone around will think I'm working super hard today.

Which I am actually. Have been alot lately. Things are kinda changing here. There's less people now, so I'm getting more work. Plus, it's been a more strict environment with the economy the way it is. Everyone's afraid of losing their job and are trying to be more productive.

I've been thinking alot lately about going back to school. Lord knows I need to. It's just that there's no way I can or want to take out anymore student loans. After pricing different schools yesterday, I don't think I'm quite ready to commit to paying out of pocket.
Hopefully if Usher and my mother keep their jobs...and I can keep mine. I'll be able to enroll in a Masters program next fall.

Keep me in prayer!

The Little Things

I've been taking this week to clean out my work inbox. I've been here for quite a while so I have an obscene amount of mail in my inbox. So I decided to go through them all, one-by-one and either delete, put into proper folder or let stay. I came across one and thought I'd share. I have no idea how true it is, but message was loud and clear. Sometimes the smallest things can save your life... or make your day...or save your relationship. It reminds me that not all detours and delays are for your destruction. You may have already seen this forward...but it just helps me put things in perspective when I get so engrossed in the bigger things.

As you might know, the head of a company survived 9-11
because his son started kindergarten.

Another fellow was alive because it was
His turn to bring donuts.

One woman was late because her
Alarm clock didn't go off in time.

One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike
Because of an auto accident.

One of them
Missed his bus.

One spilled food on her clothes and had to take
Time to change.

One's
Car wouldn't start.

One went back to
Answer the telephone .

One had a child that dawdled
And didn't get ready as soon as he should have.

One couldn't
Get a taxi.

The one that struck me was the man
Who put on a new pair of shoes that morning,
Took the various means to get to work
But before he got there, he developed
a blister on his foot.
He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid.

That is why he is alive today.

Now when I am
Stuck in traffic ,
Miss an elevator,
Turn back to answer a ringing telephone ...
All the little things that annoy me.
I think to myself,
This is exactly where
God wants me to be at this very moment ...

Next time your morning seems to be going wrong ,
The children are slow getting dressed,
You can't seem to find the car keys,
You hit every traffic light,
Don't get mad or frustrated;
God is at work watching over you.

May God continue to bless you
With all those annoying little things
And may you remember their possible purpose.

regards
david obeng

Bankrupt

Have you ever felt happy and sad at the same time?

It seems crazy to me, yet I honestly feel both right now.

It's like, I'm sooo excited about the fall, about Usher's job, about the fact that things are looking up... but at the same time, every time things finally look up, the underlying issues that broke us up the first time are still there.

I took a class last week called Crucial Conversations. It talked all about how to have effective and result-filled conversations without attacking, sugar coating, avoiding, or frustrating you or the person you're talking with. All while I was in the class I was thinking how wonderful it will be to finally use these methods with Usher and my mom. I seem to have the same conversation with them over and over again. With my mom, I'm always trying to find a way to tell her to stop smothering me and let me live my life AND learn how to handle your money. With Usher, I'm always trying to find a way to tell him that he needs to put forth more of an effort in our relationship...emotionally, physically, financially...etc.

In the past, none of these conversations ended well. With Usher they've always escalated into full blown arguments and showdowns about everything BUT what I wanted us to focus on. With my mom, I always back down and never get out the meat of my argument for fear of hurting her feelings.

I decided that Saturday would be a good day to casually talk about Usher and my issues and hopefully resolve them once and for all.

It so didn't happen that way.

I'm so tired of arguing with him because nothing is changing except for his disdain over our arguments and my disdain over his unwillingness to do his part.

It's almost like... I know deep down that we're not right for each other, but I can't let go because I'm not ready to. I feel like I've invested too much to just cut my losses and go. And I know that's not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship. If anyone else was in my shoes, I'd promptly advise them to just get out! I'd know exactly what the answer is for them....but here I am not doing what I know I should. Making things worse by investing even more. Prolonging the inevitable.

That makes me sad.

I've known since I met him that he wouldn't change, and it has never been my idea to make him. I just thought that with time, his word would finally kick in. I thought that with time, my acceptance of him would be better. I thought that with time, we'd finally find our rhythm. And while certainly, we're much better than we were, we're no where near where a relationship built on communication, trust, mutual acceptance and understanding should be.

Times like this, I hate being in love.

I don't doubt that he loves me too. I know that if I waited around long enough, he'd marry me.

But why would I get married to someone that I can't even resolve issues with now?
*sigh*

I know what I have to do.

I just don't know when I'll get the balls to do it.

Or even if I ever will.

What's watching me

I've been in a training class all week. So today's been busier than I'd like my Fridays to be. However, I've been itching to blog comment on all the stuff I've seen over the last month or so and I realize that if I don't at least try to put it on here now, I never will. So here's my quick and dirty on some of my thoughts about what I've seen on t.v.

1. During the H. Clint.on's speech at the DNC, she listed all of these things she was proud to be, but none of them was a wife. Hmmmm. Bill come get your wife please.

2. And while I was watching the speech, I notice that her tanner/bronzer/whatever melanin challenged folks use to give their skin a less pale look/ stopped right above her blouse collar and it was quite distracting to see the contrast of stark white skin. I could hardly focus on her speech. Although she got my attention with "No way, no how, No McLame...errr Cain."

3. I love Michelle. Her hair was incredible. I mean that's not why I love her, but I just really enjoyed her speech.

4. Malia's lip gloss was poppin. Those children are so cute.

5. I keep forgetting Isis on ANTM is a tran.ny until she speaks. Then I'm like...oh yeah. She's cute to me. I like her.

6. I tried to see what the fuss was about Gossip girls one night. But I kept getting confused because all the guys look alike.

7. Prison Break is the SHIIIZZNNIITTTT!! I'm addicted.
Monday evening
me: baby, i'm gonna go ahead and go home.
usher: but why *frowning and looking at clock* It's only 6:30 and you just got here.
me: i know, but i know you wanna unwind before your friends get here for Monday night football. i don't wanna get in the way of that.
usher: stop yo' lying. I know you wanna watch prison break. football doesn't come on til 9.
me: womp womp.. busted!

8. The heck wrong with R. Kelly this week talking 'bout "What exactly do you mean by teenager?" He needs to be slapped. Hard.

9. Tina Fey's depiction of Sar.ah Pali.n was soooo freakin funny. I wish I could have recorded that.

10. Matt Ryan needs to be traded. I was so disappointed in the Falcon's game against Tampa Bay.

11. I couldn't hate on my boy Warrick Dunn though. Even though he's back with Tampa Bay now, and I hate them, I was so happy when I saw him move and shake all down the field for a touchdown on my falcons. I love Dunn. Hated to see him leave us.

12. To me, the new 90210 is not as good as the old one. I could be jumping the gun though. I've only seen one and a half episodes.

13. Two sentences and I was done.
"Do you agree with the Bus.h doctr.ine?"
"In what respect Charlie?"
Need I say more?

Is it really 2008?

I wasn't planning to write today.

Really.

Today I planned to play a few computer games, peruse the blogs I haven't visited in a while, and just look on the web for the host of things I've told myself I need to check out. One being, the show times for the new Tyler Perry movie at the theaters close to my house.
Well you know me, when I get there, I see a link to reviews/comments and I become curious. The first thing that caught my eye was a discussion entitled "God another crappy black movie".

Click.

You know I had to see what was going on with that.

So I read this Kara lady's post which said "I don't get it. Blacks are usually good comedians but their movies are so awful. Why?"

So after getting that "oh no she didn't" face. I started reading the 142 comments in response to hers. I just knew folks were ripping her a new one. What I saw was more crazy comments. But this one right here is the one that prompted me to slowly put my cup down, take a deep breath, and suddenly have the urge to write. This muthaf... err... person wrote:

Re: God another crappy black movie............. 28-Aug-08 03:00 pm
I was at a party last weekend and this black guy kept hitting on me. I finally told him to stop. Christ, is this the black mentality? You watch too many black movies when you think all white girls want your dirty aids-infested penis. My boyfriend is 7 inches which is more than enough for me. Plus he has a job, is good looking, and is intelligent. Find me all those qualities in one black guy - I won't hold my breath. Unbelievable the confidence blacks have considering what they have to offer. Ugh!!


Somebody come get this chile before I look up her IP address... find out where she lives, and whup her tail!!!

I know all of our men don't have their ish together. But there are a good plenty that do. I can name a host of Black men with good jobs that are intelligent and fine as all outdoors. It's sad the type of stereotypes people have and the type of stereotypes that we sometimes enforce. And on that same note, I know some bummy azz, unintelligent white men who don't work and aren't cute. So what's your point? Ooooh she just lit a fire in me. The nerve of her to even type that ish. She gonna make slap the first white girl I see who look like they're getting ready to talk slick. I guess I'm still kinda sensitive to stereotypes and racist thinking. Black men are my "Ms. Jenkins". Don't be talking about them. Woooh-saaaaah!

I Believe

Dear God,

I'm sorry.

I'm so very sorry for ever doubting your love for me. After the incident with TG, my faith in you diminished so much because I felt let down. I felt that I made our relationship up. I felt like maybe I was a fool to believe in something that I never even questioned or had hard concrete evidence for. I asked You to speak to me. And when I didn't hear anything, I became even more discouraged. For the last 2.5 years I've sat and waited for your voice. Month after month I drew further away from you. The more time passed, the less I believed you cared. The less I believed that you were there. The less I believed that we had a real relationship.

But something miraculous happened. I'm beginning to see how everything that's happened thusfar has lead to this one moment. I never would have went for a guy like Usher if I hadn't went through what I went through with TG. And if TG would have never left me, I never would have questioned why I believe what I believe. If I never had this period of searching, questioning, seeking, wondering, etc... about Who You are, if You care, how I know You're real, etc. , then You never would have been able to prove Yourself to me.

Sort of like how You allowed for the Isrealites to be in capativity in Egypt for so long just to prove to them that You keep your promises, You have the power to deliver them, and that You love them enough to do so. You led them out victoriously. Showing your sovereignty with each new dilemma. You always made a way.

And my story is no different. God I know I witnessed a miracle today. If I hadn't been with Usher for the last few years and know his story inside out, I wouldn't be able to appreciate what you just did for him today. God I know good and well that man could never EVER pass a drug test on his own with as much stuff as he smokes daily. I also know that this pending charge he has for the mess that went on at the other job has put an abrupt halt to his ability to get a real job on his own. He kept getting fired from the small odd jobs he did manage to find because of his background, and that hasn't changed. But You...

You miraculously allowed for me to experience up close and personal how You care for us even when we're doing wrong. You've shown me the power of prayer. You've allowed me to see that in face of rock bottom... in the presence of the absolute LAST hope, You are always there to turn things around. There was no way Usher could have passed both the background and drug tests today. Every real job he's applied for has turned him down. Every opened door and opportunity he's tried has ended in disappointment. Everything we've tried, has failed. He hadn't worked anywhere long enough to receive a full paycheck, and the little monies he gained from those odd jobs went mostly to his gas tank. So for the last five months, I've been his source of income. I've paid his rent and insurance, and water and light. I've had to buy him food and water, all on my small income. I'm grateful that you allowed me the income to do all of that because I realize that even that is a blessing. But only You know how much of a burden and strain on my pockets that has been. How much my own bills have suffered. How guilty I've felt about not helping my family and friends because he required so much of my funds. How ashamed I felt because I know if people knew how much money I was spending, they'd swear I was an idiot and he was using me. How upset I was to be in this predicament in the first place. But You, God.

You heard our prayers. Knowing we don't deserve it, You're grace and mercy has looked beyond our faults and saw our needs. You knew we were at the bottom. So much so that I couldn't even blog or talk about just how bad it's been. It's so true that You never put more on us than we can bear. Just when it seemed that there was no other hope, You appeared and changed everything.

God, I believe.

This one simple act showed me that you really do have unconditional love for your people. It showed me that You are always there, whether I hear You or not. It showed me that prayer does work. That You are real. That we can do nothing without You, but everything with You. That you can make a way out of no way. That logic means nothing when it comes to miracles.

God, I believe.

I thank you for never letting me get too far out there. Thanks for keeping your Spirit inside, constantly reminding me of your goodness. Constantly pulling at my heart...edging me back into your presence. Thank You for showing me, YOU. For blessing me even despite of my wrong doings. For letting me know that it is YOU in control. For picking this day, to speak to my heart.
For the rest of my life, I'll believe.

Thank You for the miracles. Thank You for the job. Thank You for the revelation. Thank You for being God.

Re-Appear

We MUST be coming up on Autumn.

There could be no other explaination for the sudden re-appearance of the EX's. Ya'll know every year I always mention one of the oldies trying to make a comeback. I wonder why it's always in the Fall? Do men not like relationships when it's Hot? Do they already have someone when it's cold? I don't get it. It never fails. As soon as Sept/Oct/Nov hits...the phone calls and emails come.

"Hey Sway, how have you been?"

"So, you still with that guy from 2003?"

"I ran accross a picture of you and wanted to see what was up with you."

"You still single, right?"

BOOOO!!!! There's nothing worse than backtracking. I've one too many times and I'm not trying to make a habit of going back to old news.

I guess I can't hate on them for trying. I'm definitely fly! :)

But still, what is it about men re-connecting? They all give me that same tired line.

"Oh Sway, we really had something good didn't we? I don't even remember why we stopped dating."

Well I do idiot! And those reasons are more than enough for me to promptly hang up or delete your email without the slightest hesitation.

This year it's AM. Again. It's like, every Autumn he reappears. But what do I expect, we met around this time. lol

He told me about how he's finally ready to settle down, get married, have a child and all that jazz. Apparently, he thought that we were always cool and we had a good relationship when we were together. So why not give it a try.

Um...how 'bout NO.

Cool guy, but um... Sway needs more.

First off, were we in a relationship? Really? Cuz I remember not having a clue to what we were doing and you made sure it stayed that way. Then I remember all that nonsense with Vicki Jo and how you didn't even want to go out with me on Valentines day. THEN... on top of that, you just straight dissappeared on me after my birthday! That's how we "broke up"...if you want to call it that. I just never heard from you crazy behind again for like a year. But I'm supposed to want to get married to you? Are you serious??

Kneegrows. I don't know what to think. The sad part is that he's actually one of the better ex's. The rest of 'em KNOW I don't even wanna see their number on my caller ID. That doesn't stop them from trying though. Dudes gotta try. Eh. *shrug*

I wonder if he's gonna try to reconnect again next year? lol

Thanks

You know, every since my birthday week, one storm after another has just continuously crashed on the shore of my life. It's gotten to the point where I actually hesitate before answering my phone nowadays. It really got the best of me this weekend. I took bereavement leave on Wednesday to allow myself some time to grieve and to rest. All of the other situations I have going on has made me very sluggish and tired. And honestly, I needed those days off to just retreat. For the first time in 5 years, I'm actually worried about my job. They've laid off 40 people already, and their may be more to come considering the economic times we're in. So while, I'm trying to get a title and salary increase, I'm realizing that we may not be able to even get our yearly merit increase...if we're not completely fired. That's stressing me out. Then finding out that Usher's job situation isn't going to get better because of something that happened at a job earlier this year. He has to go to court about it and unfortunately until this whole thing is resolved, he will have a very hard time getting/keeping a job. Which of course means he'll be needing my assistance. Of course my cousin's death has me hurt. My parents are having some difficulties in their relationship and financially. I'm stuck in the middle of it. Church is crazy and I really don't like being there. My friends are all going through some BS. It's alot to handle right now. But as I came back to work this morning, God sent such a calming spirit to soothe my troubled, worried mind.

I pulled out a sheet of paper and began writing. Everytime a negative thought came into my head, every time I began worrying about something, everytime I wanted to write down a complaint, I wrote "Thanks".

Truth of the matter is, as long as I have something to complain about... I'm good. It means that I'm alive, and have use of my mind and my mouth. I'm able to feel. I'm able to think. Those things in itself are blessings. And the best part is that I'm able to hope.

I began to realize that as much stress as I'm under right now, and as much as everything seems to be going wrong, I STILL have so much to be grateful for.

So many of the things I was complaining about these last few months, have changed for the better. I finally got my IRS check, living with my parents is not as bad as it was, I was able to get my car fixed, I had a great birthday, I was able to make sure my folks had great birthdays, I got a new mattress and air conditioner, all Usher's bills have been paid even while going through this unemployment issue, I still have my job and actually like it, my health is fine and I can go on and on.

I am truly blessed inspite of all the storms surrounding me. Just as God allowed me to escape every situation I previously had, I have faith that these will be any different.

I still have hope.
I'm still alive.
I must be blessed.

Angie

It was 1988. Hot. Most likely summer.

I'm not quite sure what I did but my mother was set on punishing me for it. Usually she spanked me, which I've always hated. I've been allergic to pain all my life and that will probably always be. I'd take "being on punishment" over physical pain anyday. Nevertheless, on this particular occasion my mother didn't think a whipping was sufficient enough. My punishment was to attend a funeral of an older gentleman I can't recall at the moment. I probably didn't know him. Probably someone that attended our Church. Either way, it was my very first funeral and I had no idea what to expect.

I specifically remember my mother getting me ready and sending me off with my dad, since she didn't "do funerals". My dad held my hand the entire service. I remember walking slowly up to the casket to take a look at the body. I could barely peep over the side of it. A dark, wrinkly gentleman laid peacefully in a mahogany colored coffin. My heart nearly jumped out of my body.
I quickly closed my eyes and held tightly to my dad. I didn't understand death. How could he not be breathing? Why isn't his chest moving? Where is he now? I just didn't understand.

It's 20 years later and my understanding of death has not improved much. My labor day celebrations were cut short by the news of my cousin's death. I've never been much of a public crier, so I quietly excused myself to my room before letting out heartfelt sobs. Cousin Angie has been sick for a while. I've written about a few of her trips to the ER(here)... but nothing ever prepares you for a life lost. She just celebrated her 45th birthday at the beginning of August. All the family was there because there was an unspoken sense that this may be her last birthday, but no one expected it to be her last month. My last memory of her was at this celebration.
Smiling like there wasn't a sick bone or muscle in her body. Surrounded by her family, she ate and chatted with everyone like she had 45 more years left in her. She wanted to get married. Have a child. Neither of which, she'd done before. Sadly, she never will. Angie, her mother and sister were the best of friends. I've never seen a closer knit family than the 3 of them. Imagining their loss brought even more tears. In a sense, they were like a married threesome. Spending their entire lives together, living together, growing together...It's sad.

I still feel like that 8 year old. Wondering how could someone that was just here, be gone like that? How can she not be at family functions anymore? Where is she now? I still don't understand death. Unfortunately, I've had to deal with it a lot more these days. And the thing about it is that with every new loss, the old ones are re-lived again. I began to remember my grandmother who died in '06, and my gramma and granddad who died in '03. My aunts, and great uncles...friends and classmates. They all come to mind as I mourn the loss of the newest addition to the "other side".

They said early yesterday morning, Angie started to bleed from her rectum. Her heart stopped before the paramedics could arrive. She was pronounced dead around 7:30 am.

She was a sweet, gentle lady with the demeanor of a grade school teacher or librarian. Her laugh was infectious, and smile was blindingly bright. I will miss my cousin dearly. I'm guessing the funeral will be this weekend. I'm not quite sure I can keep it together. Unlike when I was 8, this is someone I've known my whole life. This is family. This is my blood. She's a part of me that I can't get back.

Please keep her mother, sister, boyfriend...and entire family in your prayers.

Rest in Peace Angie.

Rest in Peace.