Wanderer

I'm sleepy.

So what else is really new. lol

*sipping my mint tea*

I really don't have much to say today. But I've been enjoying blogging again. I don't know how I gave it up so easily all last year. *shrug*

I love being able to just...type. It doesn't have to be about anything. Or it could be about everything. I like it.


Anywho. It's tuesday....and rainy.
I got to work and found that alot of my co-workers decided to come in late because the storm cut their power. Dang! It would have been a great day to sleep in. I wish I got the memo earlier.

Oh well, since i'm here... I can get my work done in peace.

I've been thinking alot about my Church situation. I told my folks on Sunday that I'm going to start visiting Churches starting this upcoming week.

I can no longer be at my old Church. Ever since the Bishop died, we've err...they've been feeling kind of obligated to help out over there. Although the pastor told my mother and I off months before, she was now asking my mom to come back because she "needed her friendship". Whatever!
I think she was caught up in the moment. Well I know so. Since then, she's been getting progressively worse every Sunday. Telling folks off from the pulpit. Making sure everyone know that "Now that Bishop is gone, she's the head poncho, so we better do what she says".

I don't have time for that. I'm in a spiritual crisis and I need to be somewhere where I'm free to worship and speak to/hear from God without worry of whether someone is on a power trip or not. I'm already struggling with what I believe....so the last thing I need is a deterrent.

I gotta find somewhere else to worship. Keep me in your prayers that God leads me to the right place.

A friend of mine who lives in Tennessee told me about a church here where his friend is the Pastor. It's a small church so i've heard, but I'm willing to check it out. I just want to be somewhere that allows the presence of God to flow the way He so chooses.
I've also thought alot about going to Free Spirit again. Every since I saw the first lady, I've realized how much I miss being there. But they are sooooo faaaaar! *sigh*

I don't know. I'll let God lead me.

Am I crazy? Am I hating? Am I wrong?

Why does my office smell like bologna?

No really, I need answers. I just DON'T understand. It's crazy!

*sigh* So it's monday. I thought I'd be cranky, but i'm not. I stayed up til 2:30 in the morning watching The Chronicles of Riddick with Usher. I remember seeing that with AM a few years back but admit that I couldn't remember much about the movie because we sneaked in and I was more concerned if anyone would come and eject us from the movie theater.
We play fought and layed on each other and the floor....and the couch for most of the morning. I felt like I was 7 again. It's nice sometimes to do nothing with someone.
Needless to say, I was out like a light the minute he pulled out my subdivision. Surprisingly, I'm not as sleepy this morning as I thought i'd be. And this is coming from the woman who makes a point to average 8-10 hours of sleep EVERY night! lol

**********

Usher's moving friday.

Ever since his divorce, he and his cousin have shared an apartment. Usher had a hard time picking up his financial and credit pieces after leaving Kentucky where his house, his cars, and his job had been for the last 10 years. He was back in Georgia, wife-less, jobless, pride-less and probably had about $83 to his name. I'm proud of him for rebuilding. I know it's not easy to have to start over at any age, but I'm quite sure he was comfortable with his old life and involuntarily having to be uprooted from that must have been hard. So he and his cousin shared space and he's worked hard to get himself back on his feet. He's finally ready to get his own place.

Honestly, I have mixed feelings. Of course I'm happy to see him so excited about something. This is something he's been wanting to do since he moved back, but never felt financially stable enough to handle all his affairs and still live comfortably. He's in a great mood and I'm greeted by a booming smile everytime he talks about it.

Right now we live 3 minutes away from each other. For our year anniversary, we decided that we weren't ready to live together, but the 45+ minute commute from our houses was NOT the business since we saw each other about 5 times a week. So I moved. For "us".

For the last year, despite our proximity to each other, our visits dropped dramatically. Mainly because of work. I had 2 jobs and he worked odd hours. When one was free, the other was at work. So much for convenient location.

I quit my second job this past December, so for the last few months, we've finally been able to do what we originally set out to do...spend time together as often as we could, without the hectic commute. Finally, we can enjoy each other. Except now, he's moving. 40 minutes away again!

Is that a sign? lol

So for the next month or two, we'll be back to our long commute. Luckily...and I say that because it definitely wasn't planned... where he's moving Friday is close to where I was planning to move when my lease in April is up. So there should be no worries right? In fact I should be just as elated as he is, even more really because now I'll not only be close to just him, but all of my friends and family, which I left to come live close to him. So what is my problem?!?


I guess I'm just a little aggitated by what I mentioned in my previous post. Usher never does what's best for "us", only what's best for him. When he decided to move, he didn't talk to me about it... ask me to come along, ask for my opinion. Nothing. He just casually brought up one day that he put a deposit down for a place in Decatur because a co-worker told him about this place and it was pretty nice for the price. Not that there's anything wrong with bargain housing... I don't like that he can just pick up and move without even a thought to how it will effect us...or if it will effect us. I know i'm not his wife, but after 2 year, you'd think he'd at least kinda make me feel like he cares about my opinion. Sometimes I think he's too independent.

And yeah the plus side is that it's close to me, but it could have just as easily not been. He didn't move there because he wanted to be closer to me, he moved there because he found a very affordable place. It just so happens that what was best for him this time coincidintally coincides with what's best for "us". What happens when he finds a cheaper place an hour away? He'll just up and move without a thought to how that will affect our relationship? I don't like it.

But maybe i'm just being petty. Maybe I'm upset because I chose to be the one to move closer to him and now he's leaving. *shrug* Maybe i'm over reacting. I should be happy for him. I mean, I AM happy for him. I just wish he'd be a little more needy with this move. I like to feel needed and important...and I just don't right now.

Anywho... I don't know why I always get off on Usher and I. lol But I guess out of the mouth flows the issues of the heart, not the workings of the mind.

****************

This is the first year that I didn't get too depressed about my Grandparents' passing. It's been 5 years. Wow! The time just flew by. I can still hear and see them as if I just spoke to them this morning. I kind of feel bad that I don't feel as bad anymore. I don't want to forget them. I don't want to not feel something when I think of them. But this year, their passing anniversary almost skipped my mind. That scares me. I love them. Always will. I don't want to lose that. RIP loved ones.

Don't ask me where I'm going, cuz I don't know...

So I celebrated v-day yesterday.

It was quite a messy, dark, rainy, cold day. But we managed to find a bit of warmth in knowing that this is our first "romantic" outing since we decided to slowly work on a better relationship.
I had fun. I wasn't too fond of the food's amount/quality/price ratio, but I enjoyed the ambiance of Ray's in the City. Our waiter reminded me alot of my first real boyfriend, which kinda messed with my head a little, but other than that, he was on his job. Usher and I had a nice conversation about a little of everything and I even got him to taste my sushi appetizer. Of course he thought it was nasty as all get out, but at least he tried it.

Today I'm in a mellow mood. The weather is just as yucky as it was yesterday and it's quite depressing. It's great for sitting at home and curling up to a great book and hot cocoa. However, I'm not at home. I wore grey today to align myself with the world. Well at least from where I'm standing.

I'm having second thoughts about whether or not this is the right thing to do with Usher.

Not that I don't love him, or enjoy our time together, but as he begins to get back comfortable in our "togetherness", I'm starting to hear the same old tune from him.

I'm scared.

Usher has always talked about his "plans" and his life and what he hopes to accomplish. But one of the main reasons for our break up and my unhappiness in this relationship was because I felt as though I never fit into his future. It was never about "us" and "our"... it was always about him.

It doesn't seem to have changed much and that scares me.

It's hard to have peace when your head says one thing and your heart says another. It's even harder when they both say the same thing, but at different times. I guess I just have to pray and believe that in time, God will allow all things to work out the way they are suppose to, and that I will be content with whatever He chooses to do.

It's much harder than it sounds. But I've been through alot worse. I'm learning to just flow with things sometime. I'm alive for a reason. I have a purpose. And while I'm not quite sure what it is, I know if I allow God to guide me, He'll get me there when He's good and ready.

With or without Usher.

Please don't get it wrong. I've had a lovely time these few weeks. I've been much happier than I have been since September probably.

But on days such as this, my mind goes into overload, and I think about things that are just below the surface. Like despite our good times, smiles and hugs, the same issues we had before the breakup are still there. How are we going to handle it this time around?

I guess only time will tell.

Love is a wonderful thang!

I’m in love. *swooning*

Today I woke up and the birds were chirping louder than usual. My commute was shorter, the sun was brighter, my work was lighter.

*happy sigh*

It must be because I’m in looooove!

I’m not afraid to say it! I’ll shout it from the mountain tops.

I’M IN LOVE WITH MIKE BIBBY!!

Okay you’ve known that for how long, 3-4 years? lol

I wrote about my excitement for this man a while back. (HERE)

And now, my dreams have come true. He’s finally here! In Atlanta!! As a Hawk!!

As a Hawk???

Hmmm.

Now I know you’re supposed to have love for all your home teams, but the Hawks? Wow.

Every game I’ve ever been to they’ve lost (and I’ve been to a lot).

My boy Bibby was doing his thang in Sacramento for a good minute. I just hope he isn’t brought down by our team. Hopefully he can step our game up some. I definitely will be going to see him...err...the Hawks games now. He needs me. He just doesn't know it yet. Anyways. Just thought I’d share my happiness with the world.

Mike Bibby’s here folks! It goes down!

Happy Friday

I love days like today.
I feel like Ice Cube. Today is definitely a good day.
I guess it's the universes way of helping make up for the not so good day I had yesterday. lol
I went all out this year for valentine. Usher told me to pick any place i wanted...and well...ya'll know i can be extra. I chose a nice, high-end restaurant in Buckhead which we had to be put on a waiting list for. They called Wed night to say that a slot had opened up and we could come at 9:15. I was elated.
I took off from work yesterday in hopes of creating a nice, cozy, V-day spirited living room. I bought a billion candles and some wood for my fire place. I had assorted fruits and chocolate, caramel, and whip cream. I, by myself i must add, moved ALL my furniture (it's a miracle my back isn't hurting from moving my heavy sofa) to the walls so that there's a huge open space in front of the fireplace. I put rose petals everywhere. I had oils, champange, movies, music...the works. I love being romantic. I know I probably should have let him do something, but i dunno... I never really end up with the truly romantic type. Sure Usher tries... and he does a good job. But no one can romance me like me. lol So I made my place Sway-worthy. It was absoulutely lovely. I finished cleaning, vacumming, washing, and setting everything at about 2pm. I was on my way out to get my hair and nails done. While I was waiting for my car to warm up, I decided to check on Usher. He thought I was at work. I didn't want him to know what I had been up to all morning. He was off this thursday, which is the only reason we were able to celebrate together anyways. When he picked up, I immediately knew something was very wrong.

"Sway, I think I need an ambulance" He barely whispered into my ear.

"Are you serious?" I practically yelled. I know he was a little under the weather the night before, but I figured with a little Nyquil and rest, he'd be fine by now.

"Yeah. I can't even get up. I feel so weak. I'm so sore. I need to go to the hospital." He reaked in pain.

"I'll be there in 3 minutes." I said, not caring that he wasn't supposed to know about me being off.

When I get there, the door was unlocked and he was laying on the floor in between his room and the kitchen.

"How long have you been down here?"

"Just since you called. I didn't have the energy to go back to my room after unlocking the door" He said.

He looked really pitiful. His bulky 6'1 frame seemed so feeble and frail on the floor. I gave him some gatorade and vitamin C and helped him maneuver himself out the door and into my car.

I'm such a slow driver! I hate that even in emergencies, I can't do anymore than 70...75 at the max. People zoom by me like i'm driving 15 mph here in Atlanta.

We make it to the Emergency room and stay there for the remainder of the day. Apparently he had the flu with a small touch of pneumonia. They put an IV in him and gave him some juice and pain killers. Over the course of the evening he started to feel a little better and his fever went down 2 degrees. They let him out and I was grateful. It was not the way I planned to spend my valentine's day. My hair was a mess. Instead of my oh-so-fly navy and red dress, I rocked some raggedy tennis shoes, jeans and a sweatshirt. I was tired, he was sick. And we had to cancel our reservations at the place we'll probably never get into again. :(

But...he's alive. And at home. And we were together. So...I guess all's well that ends well. lol


So I returned home in the wee hours of the morning to my beautiful cozy v-day themed place and sighed. It smells like berries and jasmine.

Maybe I'll leave everything like this and he'll be better by sunday. I think hopefully.

I had no hopes of today being good. I was already tired. I knew that I had to work today. Blah! But to my surprise... It was nice.

I woke up intentionally late. I took my time getting ready for work. I started feeling better. I love not rushing. I got to the train station and even though I'm late, there's a parking space RIGHT in the front. The cars in front of me passed right by it.

Thanks God! I say smiling.

Get out and walk a few steps to the gate. As soon as I get to the top, the train comes. Yay! No waiting in the cold! I plop in my seat and enjoy the ride.

When I get to work, only one other person in my department is here. Woo-Hoo! NO bosses. I can really chillax today!
I get a cup of coffee and I don't even DRINK coffee (except the caramel macchiato from Starbucks) and sit at my desk waiting for my computer to load.

I take my time doing my work and listen to my music without headphones. I dance a little in my cube and chat with friends on facebook.

Today is great!

Usher's mom calls me and asks if I'll come to the CNN center to meet her for lunch.

"Sure!" I say. This is the perfect day for that. I can take the extra time it takes to walk there and back since no one is here anyways.

On my way there, I decide to walk through the Centinnial Park. It's actually pretty nice outside. As I'm walking, I see one of the church members from Free Spirit (otherwise known as TG's church. lol) I wave to her and give her a hug. I had no idea she worked downtown. She says she's waiting for the first lady (who also works downtown.) The first lady arrives and we hug. They tell me they miss me and I feel so guilty for just never coming back to that church. I may have to go visit them again. I'm looking for a church. Might as well go somewhere I already know I like. We chat for a second and promise to do lunch. Ah...that was nice.

I get to the CNN center a few minutes early and browse in waldens bookstore waiting for Usher's mom. There was a lady doing a book signing. I go to the table and she sweetly tells me about her books.

"You should definitely get these. You'll love them. And I'm not just saying that because I'm the author." Her red rimmed glasses shake a little as she throw her head back in a hearty laugh.

"In fact, I'll give you one for free if you buy the other one." She smiled and handed me two books.

"Really? Thanks!" I said. I've been hollering for a week now that I've read all of my books and needed to buy one.

Usher's mom came around the corner as I was in line. I waved to her and she and I embraced.

"You ready to eat?" She said. I love her southern drawl. It's the cutest thing ever.

We walk around and look for a table in the packed place.

"Wow...i forgot that the circus is in town. There are no tables! Well there are some up there" she said pointing to the second level of the building "but you have to be an employee to get up there. Let me ask this guard if he'll let you up there since you're with me."

"The only way I know that could possibly get your daughter up there ma'am is to go to the concierge and ask for a visitor's pass. I don't know if that will work, bur it's the only suggestion I have" The guard said.

"Alright" She sighed. We looked around again for a second and the crowd seemed to have increased, so we headed to the concierge desk.

A cute curly haired man asked if he could help us.

"Yeah, can you give us a quick visitors pass so that my daughter and I can eat upstairs?" Usher's mom said nicely.


"Sure." He smiled and looked at me. "If she has ID."

I pull my work badge off and give it to him. He pecks on his keyboard quickly and looks from my badge picture to me. He smiles and gives me my badge back.

"Come forward so I can take your picture." He says. "Wow. She's so pretty. This is your daughter?" He asks Usher's mom.

She laughs and stumbles over her words for a second. "She's well...my daughter..uh future daughter in law...probably. Most likely. My son...uh...yeah."

"Well, she's very pretty. Bring her back by here if that doesn't work out. In fact, you don't have to bring her" looking at me and smiling "you can just come on back anytime."

Usher's mom laugh. "Hey...my son better step up otherwise I'll put in a good word for ya." She winks at him.

I'm completely floored by the whole exchange. I barely look at either of them and I'm blushing like a mad woman because I'm so embarrassed.

How he gonna ask my boyfriend's mother for a hookup? And how she gonna be like...okay? Ha! A mess. Well she did say no matter what happens between Usher and I, I'm still family and she's on my side. I guess she wasn't playing.

Then she had the nerve to tell Usher when he called! She's funny.

Anyways, we finally ended up eating lunch and she treated, which was like...ICING on the cake. I just got back not long ago and it's already time to go!

What a great simple day! I hope the night is just as wonderful! :)

Boomerang

Feb 1st, 2008
6:45 am


I am a person of routine. I don’t mean to be, but I find that getting into a habit helps me remember things that I normally wouldn’t remember. Like taking my vitamins…or making sure my plants are fed.

For the last year or so, I’ve had the same routine. I yawn and stretch before moaning about getting out of my cozy bed. It’s usually still dark, and I don’t mind since I’ve adjusted just fine to it the few times a night I get up to use the restroom. I put on my glasses and jump off my bed. My pink bunny slippers are always a hair off from where I jump so I shuffle my feet around until I find them. I grab my cell phone, check the time again and head to the bathroom to get cleaned up.

Today was the first time I ever had a text waiting.

Usually I hear my phone when it chimes during the night and I, a person who is impatient and nosey, look at them right then and there. But somehow this one slipped through the cracks.

I flipped my phone open and wondered who it could be. The phone light made me momentarily squint as I expertly maneuvered my way past my dresser and into the hall.


Is it too late? Could u ever trust me again? U know what I’m thinking about. Been thinking for a while. Sorry 2 lay this on u all of a sudden.

Usher
Jan 31st
2:49am


I dropped my phone. I didn’t mean to but my hands involuntarily shook.
I wasn’t expecting the text to be from him. And I definitely wasn’t expecting the text to say what it said.

He was right. I did know what he was thinking about. He wanted to get back together.

I calmly texted him back and went to wash my face and brush my teeth, knowing that he wouldn’t get it until later since he was fast asleep by now. He gets off of work every night at midnight and by the time I’m up, he’s about midway into his sleep.

I continue to get dress as I gather my feelings about the situation.

I love Usher. There’s never been a time during our relationship or thereafter that I doubted this. He’s one of those people that will drive you crazy and you’d want to kick him repeatedly, but he’s so charismatic that even then, you can’t stop smiling and thinking…"This guy is something else."

It was common knowledge in our relationship that if either one of us left the other, there was no coming back. Yet here we were. 2.5 months later. And he's asking for the very think I told him I wouldn't give him again. Only... I think that for him, I could.

Lord knows after the whole HalfNakedGirl incident, the thing I wanted most was to be out of love with him. I was ready to move on. It was clear to me that he had and I did not want to play the lovestruck victim role. Nope. I wanted to move on. I tried too. I didn't call him. Tried to be short if we did have any communication. I went out on dates...enjoyed my me time. Read billions of inspirational pick me ups and enlightening books. I was determined to move forward.

But there was something about Usher.

I couldn’t force him out of my system just yet and it drove me crazy.

After getting dressed, I grabbed my phone and saw that I had another text.

He’s still awake? He must be serious.

I get in my car and text him again while I’m warming up my car.

This all seem so surreal to me. For a month after we decided to break up, I had this crazy idea that he’d one day pop up at my house or job(s) and beg for me to take him back. Day after day I’d find myself looking for his car when I pulled up in my parking lot, looking for him at the marta station, glancing around at ever passing guy in hopes of seeing him. Denial is a mutha! I finally realized that there was no more “us”...that he wasn't going to one day miraculously pop up and say that he missed me and he loved me and he wanted me back. I stopped hoping and I started taking steps to heal.

Then this happens. My crazy dream has finally come true and instead of feeling elated, I feel ...scared. I haven't smiled, or celebrated. I haven't allowed myself to really even believe yet. I guess because I feel like at any moment someone was going to come up behind me and yell… SIIIIIIIIIIIKE!


Usher, it may be hard for me at first to trust you because of how things went down, but I do believe that time and love will help. I text back.

I guess I am giving him another chance. Something I said I wouldn’t do. I didn’t do it for TD, Anthony, or even for TG, but here I am with Usher. Giving him a second chance. Giving US a second chance.

We talked that morning briefly while I was on the train.

He told me that he never stopped loving me. And he never really wanted to break up. It was just our circumstances at the time that was making it difficult to be together and he saw how unhappy I was. He didn't want to be the cause of that and he didn't want me to eventually resent him.

He expressed his fears and concerns about our relationship and I expressed mine.
After 20 minutes or so of phone time, we decided to take it slow. I told him that I didn’t want to just jump right back in where we left off. I think part of our problem was that we got too serious too quickly. I think we should just date each other for a while. Lay down a better foundation. He was cool with that. So… I guess I’ll have a valentine's date after all.

Holiday Wrap-up

Thursday Jan 3rd, 2008

I’m back at work and I’m soooo not feeling it. I’ve been waking up late everyday… staying out late every night. Eating everything in sight then burning it off with dancing. I NEED to be rich so that I can have this kind of lifestyle. This 8-5 thing isn’t for me.

I am met at work with loads of assignments. It may have been a new year, but it was the same ole work. People ooohh’d and aahhh’d when I walked by their desk. I forgot that they hadn’t seen my new blonde do…although it wasn’t that “new” anymore.

I had about a billion new emails to tend to and just about the same amount on my phone too.

“Hey Sway, Happy New Year’s love” A familiar male voice says. “I uh… just wanted to say hi. I know it’s been a while. Uh… give me a call when you get this. Aight. In a minute.” Click.

My heart beated a little faster. I played the message two more times.

It’s been quite a while since Chocolate Tease and I spoke. (remember him. Click here)

Since my “detoxificiation”, we hadn’t really kept in touch too much.

His voice took me back to ’04 and I couldn’t help but smile.

So that’s who called me the other day on my cell. I wonder why he didn’t leave a message?

I told myself I’d call him before I went out that night. All day I began wondering why after all these years…so conveniently after Usher and I decided to part ways, did he come calling me.

Don’t read too much into it Sway. I told myself. I have a way of over analyzing every word, action, pause, look…whatever! My good friend used to tell me “Sometimes a rose is just a rose Sway. Chill out!”

I get home and do my daily ritual of pulling off my work clothes and calling my mom to let her know that I’m home. I plop on the couch and scroll to his number. I press the call button.

“You have reached the voicemail of Sherrod. Please leave a message after the beep…”

Sherrod? Who the heck is Sherrod? I wondered.

I looked at the number in my phone. It looked the same as the one on my work phone. So I try it again. Same thing.

Puzzled, I hang up without leaving a message. I’ll just have to look at my work phone again tomorrow.

I pull up into the parking lot for the second Thursday in a row with my friends trailing behind me in their cars. They had the same crazy look on their face that I had last week.

"This is it?" My outspoken friend Trail questioned with one eyebrow raised.

Yup. I said as I breathed in the cold night air. Tonight I opted not to wear a skirt. If I was going to drop it like it’s hot like I did last week, I definitely needed some pants on. I chose some basic black stretch pants and a red shirt and belt revealing a black lace teddy underneath. My cousin was supposed to be coming with Mika again too. So it should definitely be fun with us rolling 7 deep.

I led the way in and strutted as if I do this all the time. I got the table in the front center and sat down. As soon as I looked over by the restroom, Brian was looking dead at me.
I waved to him and he waved back. He came over to the table as my friends settled into their new surroundings and slided his arm around my waist while kissing me lightly on the cheek.

"Hey Beautiful!" He exclaimed. Glad you could make it out tonight.

"Thanks. We’ll be over to see you in a minute." I wink.

He mouthed “thanks” and walked back to his spot. I made sure my girls took some pictures. I know the brotha needs a little extra money.

While we’re sipping on our drinks and chatting. My cell goes off again.

Chocolate Tease!!! I smile and answer the phone seductively.

“Hey you!” I coo. The music is loud and I have one hand over the uncovered ear. I began walking towards the door so that I could hear him better.

“Hey.” he says. “I saw that you called earlier. You look good. I didn’t know you would be here tonight.”

I could barely hear him, but I knew one thing… this wasn’t Chocolate Tease!

“Here? What are you talking about?” I said… stopping in my tracks and looking around.

A short guy at the bar waves at me and points to the phone by his ear as if seeing my confusion in this dimly lit place.

“It’s me. Desire!” He said as he got up.

Stunned, I put on the biggest fakest smile I could manage to offset my wrinkled brows and hung up.

How in the HECK did he get my number???? What is going on here? Was my number plastered on the mens stall or something?

He reaches me and tells me how he’s been trying to call me all week. Apparently my cousin gave him my number.

Go figure! She’s just giving out my number like it’s free food. Why didn’t she tell me about this when I talked to her the other day? I’m gonna hurt her when she gets here.

“I wanted to tell you that I liked your style” He whispered in my ear. “I was trying to get at you, but you seem like you’re never available.” He said in harsher tone.

What is up with these dudes?

“Well I AM busy. Plus, I had no idea you even HAD my number. You didn’t leave a message.” I retorted.

“I just figured you didn’t want to talk to me. Your cousin said she told you.” He looked around and waved to some of his collegues.

She needs to be beat.

We chat for a second about the fact that I’m not really trying to go out and then he tells me that he’ll give me a special dance during his show. I politely declined and went back to my seat.

Dang… I really was hoping that Chocolate Tease was on the other end. I must have read the number wrong.

The night started out pretty slow. It wasn’t as big of a crowd as the week before. Maybe because most of the women were back at work now. Nevertheless, the men that performed was on point. This one guy who didn’t perform last week had the attention of EVERY LADY there. His name was Bodacious. Homeboy climbed the wall like Spiderman! Like for real. No special effects. NOTHING! lol I felt that it was my duty to give him a few dollars. So I got up and went on the stage and put it right on his oily sweaty back.

About 30 seconds after I get to my seat, I feel warm breath on my neck and a voice saying “You don’t have to tip these negros in here. I’ll give you a private dance later if you want.” I snap my head around so fast to see Brian the Pictureman standing there.

This fool is crazy! I don’t want you grinding on me. I don’t know you!!

Between him and Desire, I didn't have as much fun as I did the week before. Everytime I clapped or gave up some money I could feel one or the other staring at me as if I'm cheating on them. I hate dudes that are possessive and I'm not even your girl. What's up with that?

The rest of the night scurried on. My cousin and her friend never showed. And it was probably for the best since I had some words for her. Desire performed and honestly, I saw about 3 other guys who did their thing waaaaaaaaay better than he. The way he had been hyping himself up, I thought that he was going to be the truth. Not so.

My girls really enjoyed themselves. This was a change of pace for us. We usually sit around at a Panera Bread and discuss the state of education and the black communities of today. lol

I pour myself into bed at about 1:30 that morning knowing that I had to be up in a few hours. This was the last big event for me for a while. My holidays were officially over. Now maybe life can get back to normal.

Holiday Promise

Saturday Dec 29th, 2007
7:45am

*yawn* I pull up in the parking lot of a Buckhead plaza and see a few cars. None of them look like my friends’ cars so I find a spot close to the only thing that seemed to be opening soon and smiled.

A sign read Buckhead Spa.

YES! I love spas! This has to be our surprise. Nothing else is showing any signs of opening soon.

I look at myself in my vanity mirror and pick at my hair. I went “blonde” about 2 weeks ago and have been finding that they err…we indeed have more fun.

This has been a great holiday vacation so far. I’ve been out a lot, I got to see all my friends and family. I’ve been eating like a horse. I got everyone everything I wanted without becoming broke. I quit my second job. I got my wish of spending Christmas with Usher. Life was good. I was having fun, yet, I still felt empty.

8:00am rolls around and I see an Explorer zoom around the corner and abrubtly stop inches before the parking space curb.

That HAS to be my friends. I laugh and get out the car.

“SWAAAAAY!” Tee exclaims. She’s the first one out and I realize all my friends rode together because they all live close. I hate living so far away from everyone. I gotta do something about that.

I run to meet her and hug her tight. She’s the one living in NY now and if there was an award for the best physical transformation, it would definitely go to her. She looks GREAT! The rest of the crew begin filing out of the SUV and we all exchange hugs.

Tee gets us together for a quick picture, then pulls out 4 thin strips of paper.

“Okay ya’ll…we’re going to the spa today! I got 4 different packages and in order to be fair, I’m going to let you guys pull.”

One by one, my friends began pulling until there was one strip left. Tee hands it to me and tells us all “Merry Christmas”.

We’re all excited as we read which package we had. Mine read “Aromatherapy massage and mini-facial.” Woo-hoo!

We all thank her as she gives us the appropriate gift cards. We walk in and our wonderful relaxing day starts.

I am in love with massages now. During each of our “down-times” we would all sit in the common areas in our white robes and slippers and chat. I bet it was an earful for the other patrons to hear us talking about “how big is too big” and “the origin of Christmas” (I know…how random is that)

We didn’t finish until 1pm. My pregnant friend Biah was looking a little down when we were walking out. We were all concerned.

“What’s wrong?
Did the massage hurt?
Are you okay?

Turns out, she was just hungry. lol

I was too! We went to Jason’s Deli and chowed down. Anytime the 5 of us get together, it’s a rule that we stay together all day.

We moved our fun from Jason’s deli to Tee’s sister house, where she was staying for the holidays. I felt kinda sorry for her sister, since we basically deboed (sp?) her house until 3 that morning talking. We are such chatty women. It’s sooo much to talk about. Tee is a Northwestern graduate who’s currently at Columbia working on her PhD in education. Biah went to Standford, then Emory for her Masters in Public Health. Trail is a teacher and a marketing and comm. major, and Tiff is at Ga. State studying to get her Counseling degree. We got a lot of stuff to talk about. lol

I ended the night err…morning…sleepily driving back to my house. I had to get up in 4 hours for Church. We were visiting a new Church we heard about from some of the members at our old church. I’ve been so out of it lately. I didn’t even feel like going. But I know my moms would call my behind a billion times if I decided to not go and I still wouldn't get any rest.

Church was cool. It was the first one we visited that I could actually see myself in. My parents liked it too. It kind of reminded us of our old Church. Except the people seemed friendlier. Then I was reminded that our old Church was “friendly” when we first got there too.

The message was AWESOME. I needed to hear it. The title was: GO FORWARD!

How on point is that?!?

2 days before the New Year and I had planned to leave 2007 in the dust!

It’s a new beginning for me. No more Usher. No more night job. No more dealing with fake people at my old Church. Just new beginnings! I was amped!

We all agreed that we’d come back Monday night for New Years Eve service and did just that.

For the first time in 3 months, I felt genuinely fulfilled.
Yeah I still loved Usher and wished we were still together.
Yeah, I had a lot of bills and a little money.
Yeah, we still didn’t have a Church home and leaving 15 years of service in one Church was scary.
Yeah, I STILL haven’t received the promotion I asked for at the beginning of LAST year.
Yeah, I’m still working out my uncertainties about God and religion and our relationship.

But...

At that moment I felt peace. I closed my eyes and felt the promise of 2008.

This is my year. I kept repeating to myself.

I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time.

Hope.

I believed that good things were going to happen to me.

I believed that I would be alright.

I believed that this funk I’m in would disappear.

This year, I was going to make it my business to manifest the “Happy” in Happy New Year.

I slept to my parents house that night with confidence.

The old mattress didn’t even bother me too much. On New Years day, I was with the people who loved the most and I had no regrets.

Tee called me to tell me she was leaving on Friday and wanted us all to get together one more time. I had a suggestion for Thursday night.

“The strip club?” She said surprised, nervous and excited all at the same time. “You know what? I’m down.” She laughed.

Sigh… here I go again. I thought to myself.

Wasn’t I supposed to leave this mess back in ’07?
When will I learn?


To be continued…