Well today is the close of a small chapter in my life. It’s my last day working at Target and I feel bittersweet about the whole thing. I’ve had this second job since I moved in April. I’ve had NO time to enjoy my place because I was always working. I’m excited about being able to get ample sleep, take care of my place, and enjoy my free time. However, I’m a little sad that I won’t be seeing some of the faces I’ve become so familiar with at work. I’m also not too fond of giving up the extra income I’ve grown accustomed to. That bit of money helped a sista out a lot this year.
But the time has finally come for me to go…and I’m ready.
Today is also the last day for me at my day job until the New Year. With that being said, I just wanted to quickly recap on some learned lessons/ random statements from 2007. Unfortunately, since I haven’t been blogging this past year…none of you will really know what the heck I’m talking about. lol Nevertheless… here they are.
Lessons from 2007
QT’s Smores Cappuccino is SOOOO good. But it might add about 5-10 pounds to ya if you drink it every night.
Do your taxes early.
Even “hard” guys can have a sensitive side on valentine’s day and anniversaries.
If you hate feeling lonely, don’t move far away from friends and family.
Pillowtop mattresses will make you want to marry your bed.
When you go on business trips, don’t offer to room with a co-worker to save the company some money.
There are some craaaaaazy people on the train.
Electric stoves don’t cook the same as Gas stoves.
A lot of people stereotype retail employees.
Don’t eat cabbage after 8pm.
Convertibles make every road trip more exciting.
Come to think of it... so does a trip to the emergency room on your vacation.
Never take out a loan for anyone.
Make sure you check your car out thoroughly before you buy it.
Stress will make your weight drop faster than exercise.
Snapping at your boss is never a good idea. Especially right before evaluations.
Crying doesn't always make you feel better.
Girl Friends are a blessing.
It’s always a good idea to pin your wig down.
Khaki pants look good on me. lol
Chops restaurant is waaay overpriced.
People don’t always mean what they say.
You can't always judge a person by their family.
Most of the time, you know relationships are over before they officially are.
Remembering the past too soon can make the present full of gloom.
And lastly,
Hope is life’s heartbeat. Once it’s gone, so are you.
Happy Holidays everyone.
I pray that you all have a blessed one.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Sleepless night
I cried last night.
I was in my bathroom taking out my contacts when I noticed that my ear lobes were dirty. lol
Well not like…filthy dirty. But you know, I wear earrings a lot and I just felt like it was a good time to disinfect my earlobes with alcohol. So I’m rubbing my ears and looking at how weird it looks to just have little holes in my ear. I know it’s common but do you ever think about the things we do to ourselves? I mean really, I let someone pierce my skin all the way through. Twice?!? Anyways, ya’ll know I’m random.
So I’m looking at my ears and out of nowhere…this image of my grandmother pops in my head. She died last April during heart surgery. When we were allowed in to see her body we were all amazed at they way she looked. Anyone who knows someone who has had heart surgery can tell you that dramatic changes happen. My grandmother’s face was HUGE. Her lips…cheeks…neck... eye lids...everything was swollen. But the thing I rembember most was the cotton balls in her ears.
They were stained with blood.
When my aunts and mom saw this, they asked the doctor, “What happened? Why was she bleeding out of her ears? Was she in pain? Oh God, please noooo!”
Apparently during/after her death, some of the blood from her body drained there.
I remember being in awe. Just staring at her ears. At the cotton balls. Just like the cotton balls I had to my ears last night with alcohol.
Just like that, I felt an uncontrollable sob jab at the base of my throat and I couldn’t contain it. I miss my grandmother so much. We have the same dry, wrinkly hands. The same fine hair. The same big eyes. I see sooooo much of her genes when I look at myself in the mirror.
There was so much I never got to say to her. So much I wanted her to see. I think of all the things she missed in the last year and I break down even more.
We all have our thoughts on what happens to a person once they die. Mine varied the older I got. Now, I’m not as sure as I used to be. I mean, as a Christian, I do believe in a Heaven and Hell. I’m just not so sure that’s where people go right when they die.
I’m not sure of much anymore.
It’s crazy how the older I get, the less I KNOW.
Wherever you are Grandmamma, know that I miss you dearly. Rest in peace.
I was in my bathroom taking out my contacts when I noticed that my ear lobes were dirty. lol
Well not like…filthy dirty. But you know, I wear earrings a lot and I just felt like it was a good time to disinfect my earlobes with alcohol. So I’m rubbing my ears and looking at how weird it looks to just have little holes in my ear. I know it’s common but do you ever think about the things we do to ourselves? I mean really, I let someone pierce my skin all the way through. Twice?!? Anyways, ya’ll know I’m random.
So I’m looking at my ears and out of nowhere…this image of my grandmother pops in my head. She died last April during heart surgery. When we were allowed in to see her body we were all amazed at they way she looked. Anyone who knows someone who has had heart surgery can tell you that dramatic changes happen. My grandmother’s face was HUGE. Her lips…cheeks…neck... eye lids...everything was swollen. But the thing I rembember most was the cotton balls in her ears.
They were stained with blood.
When my aunts and mom saw this, they asked the doctor, “What happened? Why was she bleeding out of her ears? Was she in pain? Oh God, please noooo!”
Apparently during/after her death, some of the blood from her body drained there.
I remember being in awe. Just staring at her ears. At the cotton balls. Just like the cotton balls I had to my ears last night with alcohol.
Just like that, I felt an uncontrollable sob jab at the base of my throat and I couldn’t contain it. I miss my grandmother so much. We have the same dry, wrinkly hands. The same fine hair. The same big eyes. I see sooooo much of her genes when I look at myself in the mirror.
There was so much I never got to say to her. So much I wanted her to see. I think of all the things she missed in the last year and I break down even more.
We all have our thoughts on what happens to a person once they die. Mine varied the older I got. Now, I’m not as sure as I used to be. I mean, as a Christian, I do believe in a Heaven and Hell. I’m just not so sure that’s where people go right when they die.
I’m not sure of much anymore.
It’s crazy how the older I get, the less I KNOW.
Wherever you are Grandmamma, know that I miss you dearly. Rest in peace.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Pastor's ain't always right (part 2)
My mom is a boss.
She can't help it. She's a leo.. first child of 7...AND she had to raise them all while my grandmother worked.
She's at her best when she's able to tell folks what to do. lol
But don't get me wrong. She's the sweetest person you'll ever meet. A few years back, my mom had to quit her job and it put a strain on our family financially. It was around November when she met this homeless family. The wife was working at the grocery store so they'd have enough money to eat. The husband had a brain tumor and couldn't work. She had 3 children. All of which, lived out of their van, which was immobile at the time. Although my family was going through our own financial hardship, my mom opened up our home to them. Gave them our clothing, helped the man file for disability, looked for a better paying job for the lady (although moms wasn't working yet herself).
Of course, my mom brought her to church too. We figured with more people knowing this families story, even more help could be given.
When my pastor found out about the family. She made an announcement saying that she wanted everyone to help.
"These people are homeless, but not second class. Don't give them hand-me-downs. Buy them something new. Stop giving people old stuff. Put them in a hotel or something, they don't want to be in your house, living by your rules. Give them the best."
She rambled on and on and on. I remember my mother's face that day. Instead of being recongized for giving her last...and her all. She was scorned for not giving something new. It wasn't as if she wouldn't have given them the "best" if she had it to give...but we were struggling ourselves. This was the beginning of the pulpit showdown between her and the pastor.
Over the years, the pastor would say things over the pulpit that we know was directly related to my mom. It got so bad and blatant that other members started picking up on it. My friends would tell me about how pastor picked on my mom when I didn't come to church that day. Random members would come up to my mother or call after church to ask her if she was alright. People knew what was going on. I was amazed that the Pastor didn't seem to care about that.
I know you're thinking...why would a pastor do this?
Well...honestly, I'm not sure of the details myself. Once she placed my mom over the Altar ministry, things between them began to surface. I think she placed my mom in charge because she thought my mom would just be a "head" in name while really being a puppet for her.
Not so.
My mom had her own ideas. Her own agenda...and I think their constant disagreement on things took it's toll on their friendship.
My mom offered to resign. But the Altar ministry loved my mom. Pastor knew that if my mom left that ministry, so would every one else. I'm guessing this upset her. Petty....but that's the only reason i can see for her change.
Pastor would get up and introduce my dad before he was to preach sometimes. I've heard her say things like... "Sis. Warner doesn't really have a personality, but Elder Warner makes it up for the both of them"
or "It looks like Sis. Warner eats all the food in their house"....
or during her "pastoral emphasis", would say, "and if some of ya'll would just get up and run around the church sometimes...maybe your knees wouldn't be hurting like they do"...
(fyi - it's common knowledge at my church that my mother has knee problems)
and on and on. ALL from the PULPIT.
For a while my mom would shrug it off. But that last sunday was the final straw for us. I told my mom that the next time our pastor says ANYTHING out of the way... I'm out. I refuse to sit by and let anyone...INCLUDING a pastor, say retarded things about my family.
Praise service went well. My parents and I sit on the front row so we can really jam hard. (I'm the one usually 2-3 minutes late now since I live so far from church these days.) Well this particular Sunday, it wasn't enough that we all praised God during praise and worship, and during missionary offering....and during the announcements. Pastor was now up for offering and she wanted people to get excited about it. My mom's knees had started bothering her around the first offering time, so she'd been praising from her seat. Well our pastor thought this would be a good time to "show her power".
It first seemed innocent enough.
Pastor: Praise God everybody!
Congregation: clapped and said Amen
Pastor: I said PRAISE GOD EVERYBODY!
Congregation: more clapping...few people standing up...more verbal praises.
Pastor: If you see someone sitting down, tap them on the shoulder and ask if God has been good to them? No one need to be sitting down on God.... blah blah blah
okay... i see where this is going.
Congregation: Everyone slowly standing... (except for my mother and an old lady)
Pastor: Now if you're still sitting, you have a demon in you. *looking dead at my mother*
Here we go. I feel myself starting to get upset.
Pastor: If I say stand up and praise God... stand UP and PRAISE GOD!!! *screaming* I don't care if your knees hurt, feet hurt, legs hurt....
Congregation: Stunned...looking at mom and pastor... and me.
I sit down and cross my legs.
I MUST have had a demon in me. *shrug*
That would make two of us because pastor shoooole ain't hearing from God right now. And no one is praising him anymore. Everyone's just standing around like a deer caught in someone's headlights.
So Pastor calls us out and commands us to stand. I was set on not standing, but my mother went ahead for the sake of complying...even though her knees were hurting pretty badly.
When we were finally standing... pastor showed her power (not God's power mind you) again by asking everyone to sit. Then she went on a rampage about how this church isn't for everyone and if anyone is offended then they could leave.
So we left. lol
But wait... there's more!
Homegirl (Pastor) RAN out behind us. I'm thinking okay, she know she was wrong, so she's coming to apologize.
Uh...no.
She RAN out saying, "and i just got one more thing to say"...
Okay... so I know this isn't going to be anything good.
Ya'll are "released" from MY church. (her church ya'll)
I have no hard feelings and I still love ya'll. (all said in a harsh, combative tone)
But you, your daughter, and your husband are all released.
My dad hadn't left yet. Like many men, he is a little "slow" when it come to girl fights. lol He knew what was going on, but didn't really know how through we were with the whole thing. So he didn't get up right away like we did. Pastor caught him on his way out and told him that my mother had anger in her heart and that although she tried to plead with my mom, my mother wouldn't listen.
Why are you lying?
Is it that serious?
We didn't really get to say ANYTHING because both my mother and I were stunned that this lady just ran out the church to come "tell us off".
I made up in my mind that I couldn't be a part of a church that has a leader who would lie right before taking communion, who would be so mean as to bully someone who has arthritis in her knees for not being able to stand, and who would take the focus off of God just to prove her power.
Nowhere in the Bible does it say that the only way to praise God is to stand. She wanted everyone to stand because she knew my mother couldn't/wouldn't. She also took away our God-given choice to praise Him. You can't MAKE people praise God. And it wasn't as if we weren't praising him. We just stopped when she started talking all this crazy stuff. She totally killed the mood for everyone.
Nope, it's not for me.
And then to top it off... I get a text from my church friend that saw the whole ordeal inside.
She wanted to know if we were alright.
When I told her that we were all still pretty hot about it, she said she understood and would be hot too, but told me to let my mom know that it wasn't personal.
"Pastor doesn't think before she speaks. This isn't the first this has happened. Probably won't be the last."
Um... excuse me? So, I'm supposed to stay at a church where we condone the pastor's craziness while KNOWING it's crazy? I'm not trying to be anywhere where pastors do that on a regular basis. No Ma'am.
Not me.
NEEEEXT!
Oh...and did I tell you that said friend just married the pastor's son?
(i know it has nothing to do with anything...just wanted you to know. lol)
Anywho... that's all I have to say about the Church ordeal. So um...if anyone has a good Church in mind that we can visit, leave it in the comment box. The search is on!!!!!
She can't help it. She's a leo.. first child of 7...AND she had to raise them all while my grandmother worked.
She's at her best when she's able to tell folks what to do. lol
But don't get me wrong. She's the sweetest person you'll ever meet. A few years back, my mom had to quit her job and it put a strain on our family financially. It was around November when she met this homeless family. The wife was working at the grocery store so they'd have enough money to eat. The husband had a brain tumor and couldn't work. She had 3 children. All of which, lived out of their van, which was immobile at the time. Although my family was going through our own financial hardship, my mom opened up our home to them. Gave them our clothing, helped the man file for disability, looked for a better paying job for the lady (although moms wasn't working yet herself).
Of course, my mom brought her to church too. We figured with more people knowing this families story, even more help could be given.
When my pastor found out about the family. She made an announcement saying that she wanted everyone to help.
"These people are homeless, but not second class. Don't give them hand-me-downs. Buy them something new. Stop giving people old stuff. Put them in a hotel or something, they don't want to be in your house, living by your rules. Give them the best."
She rambled on and on and on. I remember my mother's face that day. Instead of being recongized for giving her last...and her all. She was scorned for not giving something new. It wasn't as if she wouldn't have given them the "best" if she had it to give...but we were struggling ourselves. This was the beginning of the pulpit showdown between her and the pastor.
Over the years, the pastor would say things over the pulpit that we know was directly related to my mom. It got so bad and blatant that other members started picking up on it. My friends would tell me about how pastor picked on my mom when I didn't come to church that day. Random members would come up to my mother or call after church to ask her if she was alright. People knew what was going on. I was amazed that the Pastor didn't seem to care about that.
I know you're thinking...why would a pastor do this?
Well...honestly, I'm not sure of the details myself. Once she placed my mom over the Altar ministry, things between them began to surface. I think she placed my mom in charge because she thought my mom would just be a "head" in name while really being a puppet for her.
Not so.
My mom had her own ideas. Her own agenda...and I think their constant disagreement on things took it's toll on their friendship.
My mom offered to resign. But the Altar ministry loved my mom. Pastor knew that if my mom left that ministry, so would every one else. I'm guessing this upset her. Petty....but that's the only reason i can see for her change.
Pastor would get up and introduce my dad before he was to preach sometimes. I've heard her say things like... "Sis. Warner doesn't really have a personality, but Elder Warner makes it up for the both of them"
or "It looks like Sis. Warner eats all the food in their house"....
or during her "pastoral emphasis", would say, "and if some of ya'll would just get up and run around the church sometimes...maybe your knees wouldn't be hurting like they do"...
(fyi - it's common knowledge at my church that my mother has knee problems)
and on and on. ALL from the PULPIT.
For a while my mom would shrug it off. But that last sunday was the final straw for us. I told my mom that the next time our pastor says ANYTHING out of the way... I'm out. I refuse to sit by and let anyone...INCLUDING a pastor, say retarded things about my family.
Praise service went well. My parents and I sit on the front row so we can really jam hard. (I'm the one usually 2-3 minutes late now since I live so far from church these days.) Well this particular Sunday, it wasn't enough that we all praised God during praise and worship, and during missionary offering....and during the announcements. Pastor was now up for offering and she wanted people to get excited about it. My mom's knees had started bothering her around the first offering time, so she'd been praising from her seat. Well our pastor thought this would be a good time to "show her power".
It first seemed innocent enough.
Pastor: Praise God everybody!
Congregation: clapped and said Amen
Pastor: I said PRAISE GOD EVERYBODY!
Congregation: more clapping...few people standing up...more verbal praises.
Pastor: If you see someone sitting down, tap them on the shoulder and ask if God has been good to them? No one need to be sitting down on God.... blah blah blah
okay... i see where this is going.
Congregation: Everyone slowly standing... (except for my mother and an old lady)
Pastor: Now if you're still sitting, you have a demon in you. *looking dead at my mother*
Here we go. I feel myself starting to get upset.
Pastor: If I say stand up and praise God... stand UP and PRAISE GOD!!! *screaming* I don't care if your knees hurt, feet hurt, legs hurt....
Congregation: Stunned...looking at mom and pastor... and me.
I sit down and cross my legs.
I MUST have had a demon in me. *shrug*
That would make two of us because pastor shoooole ain't hearing from God right now. And no one is praising him anymore. Everyone's just standing around like a deer caught in someone's headlights.
So Pastor calls us out and commands us to stand. I was set on not standing, but my mother went ahead for the sake of complying...even though her knees were hurting pretty badly.
When we were finally standing... pastor showed her power (not God's power mind you) again by asking everyone to sit. Then she went on a rampage about how this church isn't for everyone and if anyone is offended then they could leave.
So we left. lol
But wait... there's more!
Homegirl (Pastor) RAN out behind us. I'm thinking okay, she know she was wrong, so she's coming to apologize.
Uh...no.
She RAN out saying, "and i just got one more thing to say"...
Okay... so I know this isn't going to be anything good.
Ya'll are "released" from MY church. (her church ya'll)
I have no hard feelings and I still love ya'll. (all said in a harsh, combative tone)
But you, your daughter, and your husband are all released.
My dad hadn't left yet. Like many men, he is a little "slow" when it come to girl fights. lol He knew what was going on, but didn't really know how through we were with the whole thing. So he didn't get up right away like we did. Pastor caught him on his way out and told him that my mother had anger in her heart and that although she tried to plead with my mom, my mother wouldn't listen.
Why are you lying?
Is it that serious?
We didn't really get to say ANYTHING because both my mother and I were stunned that this lady just ran out the church to come "tell us off".
I made up in my mind that I couldn't be a part of a church that has a leader who would lie right before taking communion, who would be so mean as to bully someone who has arthritis in her knees for not being able to stand, and who would take the focus off of God just to prove her power.
Nowhere in the Bible does it say that the only way to praise God is to stand. She wanted everyone to stand because she knew my mother couldn't/wouldn't. She also took away our God-given choice to praise Him. You can't MAKE people praise God. And it wasn't as if we weren't praising him. We just stopped when she started talking all this crazy stuff. She totally killed the mood for everyone.
Nope, it's not for me.
And then to top it off... I get a text from my church friend that saw the whole ordeal inside.
She wanted to know if we were alright.
When I told her that we were all still pretty hot about it, she said she understood and would be hot too, but told me to let my mom know that it wasn't personal.
"Pastor doesn't think before she speaks. This isn't the first this has happened. Probably won't be the last."
Um... excuse me? So, I'm supposed to stay at a church where we condone the pastor's craziness while KNOWING it's crazy? I'm not trying to be anywhere where pastors do that on a regular basis. No Ma'am.
Not me.
NEEEEXT!
Oh...and did I tell you that said friend just married the pastor's son?
(i know it has nothing to do with anything...just wanted you to know. lol)
Anywho... that's all I have to say about the Church ordeal. So um...if anyone has a good Church in mind that we can visit, leave it in the comment box. The search is on!!!!!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
If one mo' person...
ask me to do ANYTHING, it is ON!!!!
Okay I know I'm supposed to be writing about Church but as you can already see, I'm too busy doing everybody elses work to have a breather to write anything. You know, I'm grateful for a job. But I tell you the truth, folks ain't right up here. It's one thing to need assistance with your work, but it's an entirely different thing when you taking advantage of the staff charged with "assisting" you.
I mean, don't you have to be working yourself to need "assistance"? I'm a research assistant. Not a servant. I'm getting to my boiling point with my co-workers. I feel like lining them all up and just slapping them all one by one. *woooooooosaaaaaaaahhhhh*
Okay, I think I've vented enough. I gotta get back to our 2-day meeting. Hopefully I can write soon.
Keep me in your prayers!
Okay I know I'm supposed to be writing about Church but as you can already see, I'm too busy doing everybody elses work to have a breather to write anything. You know, I'm grateful for a job. But I tell you the truth, folks ain't right up here. It's one thing to need assistance with your work, but it's an entirely different thing when you taking advantage of the staff charged with "assisting" you.
I mean, don't you have to be working yourself to need "assistance"? I'm a research assistant. Not a servant. I'm getting to my boiling point with my co-workers. I feel like lining them all up and just slapping them all one by one. *woooooooosaaaaaaaahhhhh*
Okay, I think I've vented enough. I gotta get back to our 2-day meeting. Hopefully I can write soon.
Keep me in your prayers!
Friday, December 07, 2007
Pastor's ain't always right (part 1)
I saw a video once. It was of a little girl with black and gold bows in her unruly hair. She was in the front of a group of about 15 people in a navy silk robe with a gold sash. She was the cutest little thing I’ve ever seen. I never knew they made choir robes that small. Anyways, someone in the background told her to sing. She was not the shy type. This four year old began to sing/shout the lyrics to one of DeLeon Richard’s songs. She was so animated that I was astonished looking at her. You could hear the crowd cheering her on, amazed too, that this little girl was so into this gospel song. It was as if Church was her life. Since I was that little girl, I can say that it always has been.
Looking back at the different stages of my personal journey with God, I can truly say that being in Church and having the support of others who’s also trying to mature their walk with God has been such a blessing. I’ve always loved being at Church. Every Sunday, Wednedsay and Friday I would wait outside of the car and listen to the drums from inside, while my mom took her precious time putting on her shoes. I would rush her every time because I couldn’t wait to get in. My entire life has been one big spiritual-fest. Always learning, always trying to understand, always seeking to get to the next level with my relationship.
We joined “The Light” in 1994 after my dad resigned from Pastoring at another Church in Metro Atlanta. It was quite a change of pace for us. The members of this Church were sooooo friendly. They wore smiles, makeup AND pants. This was shocking for me coming from a COGIC church. lol
The teenager that stepped into that church was much different than the little girl I saw in the video. I was quiet, and shy. Very softspoken and often observant. My mother however, hadn’t changed a bit.
My mom is a LEO to the fullest. Vibrant. Flashy and Full of Life. She’s a Take-Charge kind of woman and was ready to get involved as soon as she stepped foot in the Church. I’m sure a lot of people were like…”Who IS this woman?”lol
Our presence at the Church couldn’t go unnoticed. As I’ve stated, we were straight COGIC folks. My dad would run around the church in a heartbeat. My mom brought out her lone tambourine and would play it for every song. We stood out. So much so that the Bishop and his wife, the Pastor had to know who this “Lively” family was.
At first, everything seemed cool. They’d invite my parents out every so often to get a “feel” of them. And before you know it, we were part of the “in” crowd at church. It was as if we had been stamped with the seal of approval by the leaders, so now instead of just being friendly, we actually had “friends”. People would invite us out….keep us informed…talk to us… get us involved. For a few years, life was grand.
Then one day the Pastor asked my mother to head the Altar Ministry. My mother happily accepted. We didn’t know that this was the beginning of the end for us.
Next: Pastor’s ain’t always right (part 2)
Looking back at the different stages of my personal journey with God, I can truly say that being in Church and having the support of others who’s also trying to mature their walk with God has been such a blessing. I’ve always loved being at Church. Every Sunday, Wednedsay and Friday I would wait outside of the car and listen to the drums from inside, while my mom took her precious time putting on her shoes. I would rush her every time because I couldn’t wait to get in. My entire life has been one big spiritual-fest. Always learning, always trying to understand, always seeking to get to the next level with my relationship.
We joined “The Light” in 1994 after my dad resigned from Pastoring at another Church in Metro Atlanta. It was quite a change of pace for us. The members of this Church were sooooo friendly. They wore smiles, makeup AND pants. This was shocking for me coming from a COGIC church. lol
The teenager that stepped into that church was much different than the little girl I saw in the video. I was quiet, and shy. Very softspoken and often observant. My mother however, hadn’t changed a bit.
My mom is a LEO to the fullest. Vibrant. Flashy and Full of Life. She’s a Take-Charge kind of woman and was ready to get involved as soon as she stepped foot in the Church. I’m sure a lot of people were like…”Who IS this woman?”lol
Our presence at the Church couldn’t go unnoticed. As I’ve stated, we were straight COGIC folks. My dad would run around the church in a heartbeat. My mom brought out her lone tambourine and would play it for every song. We stood out. So much so that the Bishop and his wife, the Pastor had to know who this “Lively” family was.
At first, everything seemed cool. They’d invite my parents out every so often to get a “feel” of them. And before you know it, we were part of the “in” crowd at church. It was as if we had been stamped with the seal of approval by the leaders, so now instead of just being friendly, we actually had “friends”. People would invite us out….keep us informed…talk to us… get us involved. For a few years, life was grand.
Then one day the Pastor asked my mother to head the Altar Ministry. My mother happily accepted. We didn’t know that this was the beginning of the end for us.
Next: Pastor’s ain’t always right (part 2)
Monday, December 03, 2007
Last Weekend
...was definitely one for the books. At the beginning of April, I took on a part time job at Target to help offset the ridiculous rent I was now paying and to allow for “spending money” I’m so used to having. Well little did I know, between Target and my full-time, I really had no time to “spend” anything. (although I wasn’t saving either… I need to figure out where the heck my money went)
Anywho… for the first time since I started target, I had both Saturday and Sunday off. I was CRUNK! There’s sooooo much I want to do. Need to do. There’s this new recipe I want to try out. And man, I need to go to the grocery store! Oooh…this would be a great time to do my Christmas shopping. Oh wait, I should just spend this day in bed and watching tv… I’m always on the go.
Needless to say, none of those things happened when friends and family got word of my being off.
“Babygirl… how about we go get a massage?”
“Mom, we don’t have massage money.”
“Well, I have a gift certificate for one that I need to use by Christmas. I really didn’t want to go alooooone… soooooo….”
“Alright, alright. Let me know how much my part would be.”
“Oh great! We can spend the whole day together! Blah, Blah, Blah”
Great! There goes my plans. lol
Anywho… my mom picks me up since my place is about 10 minutes from where we’re going. I really didn’t have any big expectations for this. I’ve had massages before and they were aaiiight…but nothing to get excited about.
Well as soon as we walked in here, I was excited. Well maybe it’s because Michael Jai White’s TWIN was sitting on the couch when we got there. I nearly fainted. That man was just divine. Even my mom had to do a double take. Talking ‘bout,
“Um, are YOU going to be doing our massage?”
Back off mom, he’s mine. lol
In true Sway fashion, I’m checking for a ring about .0098343 seconds after I see him.
No ring?
Good. I can continue gawking without feeling guilty. lol
We chat it up with Mr. Twin for a little while before our masseuses come and lead us to our room. When I say that Miss Thang worked my massage OUT, I mean it! Whew… I was feeling GOOOD!
My mom was like, “ now that’s how a massage is supposed to feel!” lol
When they finally finished an hour plus later. Moms and I was NOT in the mood to do anything else but chill. lol Well I take that back… we WERE in the mood to eat!
As we were heading for a late lunch I got a phone call from one Vee and she was trying to get the girls together for a “girl’s night”. I said that I was down, but in all honesty I was about 50/50 on that.
Okay here’s the deal. There are 4 of us in our little girl circle of friends. Vee’s married with a baby. Brina is married with 2 babies, and Dawn a newlywed and 2 months pregnant.
Waiting…
Still waiting.
Okay hopefully by now you realize I am single and childless.
Normally, none of this would really matter, however, since they are all newly weds or new mommies…their new lives are at the forefront of most conversations. And since I am outnumbered, I already know how this night is gonna go. *yawn*
I know, I need to stop being such a hater. lol
I still decided to go because these ladies are my friends and I’d only hope that whenever God decides to grant me a husband and child(ren), they’ll be there to listen to me share my stories.
So we meet up that night at Vee’s new house and chat the evening away. Well they chat, I listen. The only thing I could contribute to the conversation was the answer to, “So how are you and Usher doing”.
Dang.
I forgot that Vee didn’t know about our break up yet. After I finished, there was an akward pause…then more marriage talk. lol
I was kinda zoning in and out until I heard them talking about the movie Why did I get married.
“Girl I saw that movie. I really enjoyed it”
“Yeah, me too. It was one of Tyler’s best movies”
“Uh-huh I agree. We’re going to have to do that you guys!”
“Yeah”
“Well, we gotta wait for Sway though.”
Well dang!
I think it’s time for me to go. lol
Sunday was a mess. There’s no other way to say it really so I’ll just come out and say it.
My mom and I divorced our Church.
Next post: Pastors ain't always right.
Anywho… for the first time since I started target, I had both Saturday and Sunday off. I was CRUNK! There’s sooooo much I want to do. Need to do. There’s this new recipe I want to try out. And man, I need to go to the grocery store! Oooh…this would be a great time to do my Christmas shopping. Oh wait, I should just spend this day in bed and watching tv… I’m always on the go.
Needless to say, none of those things happened when friends and family got word of my being off.
“Babygirl… how about we go get a massage?”
“Mom, we don’t have massage money.”
“Well, I have a gift certificate for one that I need to use by Christmas. I really didn’t want to go alooooone… soooooo….”
“Alright, alright. Let me know how much my part would be.”
“Oh great! We can spend the whole day together! Blah, Blah, Blah”
Great! There goes my plans. lol
Anywho… my mom picks me up since my place is about 10 minutes from where we’re going. I really didn’t have any big expectations for this. I’ve had massages before and they were aaiiight…but nothing to get excited about.
Well as soon as we walked in here, I was excited. Well maybe it’s because Michael Jai White’s TWIN was sitting on the couch when we got there. I nearly fainted. That man was just divine. Even my mom had to do a double take. Talking ‘bout,
“Um, are YOU going to be doing our massage?”
Back off mom, he’s mine. lol
In true Sway fashion, I’m checking for a ring about .0098343 seconds after I see him.
No ring?
Good. I can continue gawking without feeling guilty. lol
We chat it up with Mr. Twin for a little while before our masseuses come and lead us to our room. When I say that Miss Thang worked my massage OUT, I mean it! Whew… I was feeling GOOOD!
My mom was like, “ now that’s how a massage is supposed to feel!” lol
When they finally finished an hour plus later. Moms and I was NOT in the mood to do anything else but chill. lol Well I take that back… we WERE in the mood to eat!
As we were heading for a late lunch I got a phone call from one Vee and she was trying to get the girls together for a “girl’s night”. I said that I was down, but in all honesty I was about 50/50 on that.
Okay here’s the deal. There are 4 of us in our little girl circle of friends. Vee’s married with a baby. Brina is married with 2 babies, and Dawn a newlywed and 2 months pregnant.
Waiting…
Still waiting.
Okay hopefully by now you realize I am single and childless.
Normally, none of this would really matter, however, since they are all newly weds or new mommies…their new lives are at the forefront of most conversations. And since I am outnumbered, I already know how this night is gonna go. *yawn*
I know, I need to stop being such a hater. lol
I still decided to go because these ladies are my friends and I’d only hope that whenever God decides to grant me a husband and child(ren), they’ll be there to listen to me share my stories.
So we meet up that night at Vee’s new house and chat the evening away. Well they chat, I listen. The only thing I could contribute to the conversation was the answer to, “So how are you and Usher doing”.
Dang.
I forgot that Vee didn’t know about our break up yet. After I finished, there was an akward pause…then more marriage talk. lol
I was kinda zoning in and out until I heard them talking about the movie Why did I get married.
“Girl I saw that movie. I really enjoyed it”
“Yeah, me too. It was one of Tyler’s best movies”
“Uh-huh I agree. We’re going to have to do that you guys!”
“Yeah”
“Well, we gotta wait for Sway though.”
Well dang!
I think it’s time for me to go. lol
Sunday was a mess. There’s no other way to say it really so I’ll just come out and say it.
My mom and I divorced our Church.
Next post: Pastors ain't always right.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Lessons
The closer I approach 30, the more excited I become. I guess I’ve always felt that wisdom come with age. I’m now learning that it really comes with the byproduct of age: Experience.
It’s a beautiful thing to see yourself growing up…maturing…evolving…learning.
Although it may not seem like it at times, I truly am learning some things.
My breakup with Usher as you know stunned me. Everyone knows that I’m a lover of love. In any relationship I’m in, I pour my heart and soul into it. I.LOVE.HARD. Period.
But you know what? These past few years of relationships, especially this last one with Usher, has taught me a lot.
Lesson 1 (learned): Never submerge yourself into his world.
It’s great to get lost in your man’s eyes. But getting lost in his life isn’t. Sometimes we get so caught up in the relationship that we lose ourselves and sense of identity. His friends and family become ours. His hobbies are suddenly our “favorite thing.” We only go out with him. And before you know it, your whole world revolves around him. This may feel great while you’re with him, but TRUST ME…when the relationship is over, you have no idea what to do with yourself because for months/years you’ve been wrapped up in his world.
I am genuinely heartbroken over my break up with Usher. However, I must say that after the initial shock of losing the one you love and the “pain” that comes with that, I’m feeling pretty good considering. Reason being: I kept my own life/identity throughout the relationship. Most of the “pain” I used to feel in relationships were about 50% hurt, and 50% panic/fear. The panic came from not knowing who I was anymore and not being able to do anything alone because I was so used to having “a boyfriend” to do things with. I thank Usher for encouraging me to “do me” sometimes while we were together. Now that I’m single again, I can still go through many of my old routines with no problem because I’ve been doing it all along. Whereas usually, I’d be obsessively reminiscing about how “he and I used to do this and that together”.
I think having my own friends, own hobbies, and past times have help to lessen the blow of being alone. Yes it still hurts that we’re not together… but not half as much as it would if I made HIM my life as I’ve foolishly done in the past with others.
Learning this simple rule has allowed me to grieve, cry, hurt…etc… and then get up, hold my head high, and continue on with my life.
With that being said, there are some lessons that I just haven’t gotten through my thick skull yet. I know that I need to get it…but I just haven’t quite mastered them yet.
Lesson 2 (still learning): After a breakup, remove all ties to your former flame to heal the quickest and healthiest.
Break-ups are hard. What’s harder is trying to “be friends” immediately after a breakup. When two people have been together for a while, they become comfortable with each other and their routine. Being friends immediately after a break “helps” (so it initially seems) to ease that transition from couple to singleness by keeping some routines in tact. The problem is that the lines are usually cloudy…especially to the one that didn’t want the relationship to end. If you still poke at a wound, it will take longer to heal. Same with breakups. Seeing, calling, hanging, with your ex will only give you the false impression that things are still the same. And eventually, when s/he moves on with someone else, you’ll feel like you hung on too long and the “break up” feeling will be just as intense (or more) then than if you would have dealt with it initially.
A clean break up is best because it will force you to deal with reality, while also allowing you to begin your healing. I won’t lie and say that it’s been easy. Usher and I are both having a hard time letting it go. We keep adding oxygen to the smoke… only to light the back fire up a little. He’ll call to “hear my voice”… then I’ll call to “hear his”. I know it’s not healthy because all that does is foster memories and thoughts about "us", which reiterates the fact that you're not together. That in turn makes the pain all so real and the singleness all the more intense. Then to counter those feelings, we call back and make plans to get "one last hug/kiss/look/etc.". And every time we see each other, I find myself getting back into the “relationship” routine with him. This is a vicious cycle that will keep you all "unofficially together" until one of you decide to stop the madness. This is an emotional coaster i've been on before and don't want to go back on with Usher although I find myself standing right here in the line. I don’t want to drag this out until one day next year sometime, he’s with someone else and I’m left to face the fact I KNEW this was coming and refused to look at reality. I don’t want to feel what I feel now…a year from now. Feel me?
We still love each other very much… but we both have to take a stand. If we’re going to be together…then we should make it official. If we’re not, (which we aren’t) then we both need time to heal. Now I’m not saying that we can’t be friends in the future. I’m not even saying that we won’t ever get back together in the future (although I doubt it …more in next post). It’s very possible that later on in life our paths will cross. But we need this time to move in our various directions since that's what "breaking up" really is.
Hopefully I’ll take my own advice soon. Pray for us.
More on lessons later. :)
It’s a beautiful thing to see yourself growing up…maturing…evolving…learning.
Although it may not seem like it at times, I truly am learning some things.
My breakup with Usher as you know stunned me. Everyone knows that I’m a lover of love. In any relationship I’m in, I pour my heart and soul into it. I.LOVE.HARD. Period.
But you know what? These past few years of relationships, especially this last one with Usher, has taught me a lot.
Lesson 1 (learned): Never submerge yourself into his world.
It’s great to get lost in your man’s eyes. But getting lost in his life isn’t. Sometimes we get so caught up in the relationship that we lose ourselves and sense of identity. His friends and family become ours. His hobbies are suddenly our “favorite thing.” We only go out with him. And before you know it, your whole world revolves around him. This may feel great while you’re with him, but TRUST ME…when the relationship is over, you have no idea what to do with yourself because for months/years you’ve been wrapped up in his world.
I am genuinely heartbroken over my break up with Usher. However, I must say that after the initial shock of losing the one you love and the “pain” that comes with that, I’m feeling pretty good considering. Reason being: I kept my own life/identity throughout the relationship. Most of the “pain” I used to feel in relationships were about 50% hurt, and 50% panic/fear. The panic came from not knowing who I was anymore and not being able to do anything alone because I was so used to having “a boyfriend” to do things with. I thank Usher for encouraging me to “do me” sometimes while we were together. Now that I’m single again, I can still go through many of my old routines with no problem because I’ve been doing it all along. Whereas usually, I’d be obsessively reminiscing about how “he and I used to do this and that together”.
I think having my own friends, own hobbies, and past times have help to lessen the blow of being alone. Yes it still hurts that we’re not together… but not half as much as it would if I made HIM my life as I’ve foolishly done in the past with others.
Learning this simple rule has allowed me to grieve, cry, hurt…etc… and then get up, hold my head high, and continue on with my life.
With that being said, there are some lessons that I just haven’t gotten through my thick skull yet. I know that I need to get it…but I just haven’t quite mastered them yet.
Lesson 2 (still learning): After a breakup, remove all ties to your former flame to heal the quickest and healthiest.
Break-ups are hard. What’s harder is trying to “be friends” immediately after a breakup. When two people have been together for a while, they become comfortable with each other and their routine. Being friends immediately after a break “helps” (so it initially seems) to ease that transition from couple to singleness by keeping some routines in tact. The problem is that the lines are usually cloudy…especially to the one that didn’t want the relationship to end. If you still poke at a wound, it will take longer to heal. Same with breakups. Seeing, calling, hanging, with your ex will only give you the false impression that things are still the same. And eventually, when s/he moves on with someone else, you’ll feel like you hung on too long and the “break up” feeling will be just as intense (or more) then than if you would have dealt with it initially.
A clean break up is best because it will force you to deal with reality, while also allowing you to begin your healing. I won’t lie and say that it’s been easy. Usher and I are both having a hard time letting it go. We keep adding oxygen to the smoke… only to light the back fire up a little. He’ll call to “hear my voice”… then I’ll call to “hear his”. I know it’s not healthy because all that does is foster memories and thoughts about "us", which reiterates the fact that you're not together. That in turn makes the pain all so real and the singleness all the more intense. Then to counter those feelings, we call back and make plans to get "one last hug/kiss/look/etc.". And every time we see each other, I find myself getting back into the “relationship” routine with him. This is a vicious cycle that will keep you all "unofficially together" until one of you decide to stop the madness. This is an emotional coaster i've been on before and don't want to go back on with Usher although I find myself standing right here in the line. I don’t want to drag this out until one day next year sometime, he’s with someone else and I’m left to face the fact I KNEW this was coming and refused to look at reality. I don’t want to feel what I feel now…a year from now. Feel me?
We still love each other very much… but we both have to take a stand. If we’re going to be together…then we should make it official. If we’re not, (which we aren’t) then we both need time to heal. Now I’m not saying that we can’t be friends in the future. I’m not even saying that we won’t ever get back together in the future (although I doubt it …more in next post). It’s very possible that later on in life our paths will cross. But we need this time to move in our various directions since that's what "breaking up" really is.
Hopefully I’ll take my own advice soon. Pray for us.
More on lessons later. :)
Monday, November 19, 2007
Foreshadowing
A week after I wrote my last post, Usher and I parted.
As with any break-up from someone you truly love, this devastated me.
I'd imagine that I'd be a pro with heartbreaks by now, but each time it gets harder and more painful.
This is a man I never thought I would fall in love with. And once I did, I never thought our love would end. Well my love for him still hasn't ended, but our relationship did.
I am not sure how to feel about this. I mean he says it's for our best...and in a way I agree. Everyone knows how crazy our time together was. We was always arguing and trying to get the other to see it our way. But I loved that about us... it was challenging.
Challenging...yet... no love was ever lost. I loved this man so much. Still do. Yet I have to let him go. And I don't really know how. How can you let go of someone who you don't want to let go of? How do I keep it moving knowing that nothing really went wrong to cause us to break up...we just...did?
I hate being so close to him and knowing I can't have him. I hate sitting on the couch where we cuddled on so many times. Cooking in the kitchen he'd sing to me in while I was dishes. I hate laying in the sheets that still smell like him. Looking at the pottery he put his ashes in...driving in and out the complex I moved in just to be closer to him.
It's a nightmare that everywhere I look, everything I hear, every voice I hear reminds me of the love I have for this man that I can no longer express to him.
Lord, I really hope that I recover from this.
This was a turning point for me.
I'm so tired of breaking up.
So tired.
As with any break-up from someone you truly love, this devastated me.
I'd imagine that I'd be a pro with heartbreaks by now, but each time it gets harder and more painful.
This is a man I never thought I would fall in love with. And once I did, I never thought our love would end. Well my love for him still hasn't ended, but our relationship did.
I am not sure how to feel about this. I mean he says it's for our best...and in a way I agree. Everyone knows how crazy our time together was. We was always arguing and trying to get the other to see it our way. But I loved that about us... it was challenging.
Challenging...yet... no love was ever lost. I loved this man so much. Still do. Yet I have to let him go. And I don't really know how. How can you let go of someone who you don't want to let go of? How do I keep it moving knowing that nothing really went wrong to cause us to break up...we just...did?
I hate being so close to him and knowing I can't have him. I hate sitting on the couch where we cuddled on so many times. Cooking in the kitchen he'd sing to me in while I was dishes. I hate laying in the sheets that still smell like him. Looking at the pottery he put his ashes in...driving in and out the complex I moved in just to be closer to him.
It's a nightmare that everywhere I look, everything I hear, every voice I hear reminds me of the love I have for this man that I can no longer express to him.
Lord, I really hope that I recover from this.
This was a turning point for me.
I'm so tired of breaking up.
So tired.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Return of the Sway
I can't believe it's 4 days short of a year since I quit blogging. Blogging was my thang!! But you know when you have nothing left to say, it's time to pack up and go. One day I just decided to stop and I never really looked back.
Until now.
It amazes me how almost a year later, the urge to pour out my heart has returned. I doubt I'll post as much as before...but this blogging thing works wonders for my troubled mind.
Alot has changed in my life since last year. I lost a few pounds. Got a second job. And moved. Yup. I finally moved. lol
But honestly, as I read back over my life from '03-'06. I've realized that things haven't changed as much as I'd like. I'm still not fulfilled. I'm still aching for that companionship I talked about for 3 years.
Yeah, Usher and I are still together. In fact, my crazy behind moved 4 minutes away from him. He wasn't the only reason I moved there, but his proximity to the complex had a lot to do with my decision.
We've had some really great times and made a ton of great memories that I will always keep dear to my heart. As I reminisce, I realize how many of those times were SOOOOOO blogworthy. lol
But in true Usher/Sway fashion, we've had some really tough times. His need to chase paper and my need for attention is like the waves of the ocean crashing into a rock: a few crashes may not have too much of an effect, but after continuous contact the foundation slowly starts to erode.
What's so dangerous is that we're slowly falling apart with each argument, and we don't even realize it until one day, all of the little clashes turn into something that one of us can no longer deal with.
Sad thing is, my relationship with Usher isn't the only unfulfillment I currently have. It's like, I've been in this funk for almost a month and I can't seem to get out of it.
I figured maybe I can work through it here.
Anyways...we'll see.
Until now.
It amazes me how almost a year later, the urge to pour out my heart has returned. I doubt I'll post as much as before...but this blogging thing works wonders for my troubled mind.
Alot has changed in my life since last year. I lost a few pounds. Got a second job. And moved. Yup. I finally moved. lol
But honestly, as I read back over my life from '03-'06. I've realized that things haven't changed as much as I'd like. I'm still not fulfilled. I'm still aching for that companionship I talked about for 3 years.
Yeah, Usher and I are still together. In fact, my crazy behind moved 4 minutes away from him. He wasn't the only reason I moved there, but his proximity to the complex had a lot to do with my decision.
We've had some really great times and made a ton of great memories that I will always keep dear to my heart. As I reminisce, I realize how many of those times were SOOOOOO blogworthy. lol
But in true Usher/Sway fashion, we've had some really tough times. His need to chase paper and my need for attention is like the waves of the ocean crashing into a rock: a few crashes may not have too much of an effect, but after continuous contact the foundation slowly starts to erode.
What's so dangerous is that we're slowly falling apart with each argument, and we don't even realize it until one day, all of the little clashes turn into something that one of us can no longer deal with.
Sad thing is, my relationship with Usher isn't the only unfulfillment I currently have. It's like, I've been in this funk for almost a month and I can't seem to get out of it.
I figured maybe I can work through it here.
Anyways...we'll see.
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