Sunday June 11, 2006
Usher's house
“I joined the church today” I casually informed Usher as I laid snuggled up under him around noon this particular Sunday morning.
“TG’s church?” He questioned while resting one arm on the side of his head and the other on my stomach.
I hate when he calls Free Spirit TG’s church. TG does not own that church!
“Noooo. TG doesn’t have a church. I joined Free Spirit.” I calmly say.
“Whatever, you know what I mean. He goes there.” He says a little agitated.
We both fall silent. He was watching some post-departure Dave Chapelle interview and I laid there looking at the ceiling wondering if he was gonna say anything positive about me finally making a decision about church.
I studied his face after a few minutes had passed. So he’s not gonna say anything…I think to myself. I was a little disappointed. I guess I wanted him to be happy. This is something that I’ve been in turmoil about since the beginning of the year. My joining a church was a major step in the right direction for me. It meant that I was finally getting my life back on track enough to make decisions not completely influenced by my emotions. It meant that I was ready to get back in my normal groove. It meant that I was finally happy with my life and I could now move forward. It was an “exhale” moment for me and I wanted him to be happy with me.
Such was not the case. His uncharacteristically quiet daze at the television let me know that either he did not want to discuss my involvement with “TG’s church” ever again, or that he was REALLY pissed off.
In order to keep us in good spirits, I began talking about something I KNEW he’d like… FOOD.
After a few one word answers. He finally shook off that cold shoulder he was giving me and all was well with our interactions. So I thought.
A few hours later.
Usher: Honey, here’s the remote. You can watch whatever.
Me: What u finna do?
Usher: Take my medicine.
Me: Oh. Aight. *i know what that means... smoke time*
He leaves the room while I flip the channels. A gospel program is on and I get sucked into it. He comes in the room and sits on the bed with his back towards me. After a few seconds he turns around and gives me this mean look. Initially I’m thinking, “why is he looking at me like that”. Then it dawned on me… He’s smoking…and I’m blasting some Gospel. Conflict. So I change the channel and try to find something else to watch. Unconsciously I start humming the song that I had just finished listening to as I flip the channels.
Usher: Well damn, u should have just left it on the station you were on if you gonna do that sh**!
Me: Soooooryyyyy!
Usher: I mean damn don’t u see me trying to handle mine over here. I don’t wanna hear that. Da hell wrong with you… yada yada yada.. *getting more pissed off by the moment over something that shouldn’t have been that deep.*
Me: aight Usher. I said sorry.
Usher: *still trying to start something* Blah Blah Blah
So I get up and leave the room. I tell him that I’m going for a walk. I don’t know why I let him get to me but I do. That was the third time so far since I been at his house that he has went off on me. I mean dude was snapping at me left and right and I didn't even argue with him as much as I normally would just to keep peace.
This wasn’t working for me. I mean, all that excitement and happiness I felt that morning about getting back into church and seeing my life fall into place was almost totally undone. He managed to zap every bit of positive energy I had earlier.
“it’s not him Sway, it’s the enemy” I kept telling myself.
But it didn’t help me.
After about a good 10 minutes, Usher came looking for me.
“Why you out here in this heat Sway. Come inside”
“I’m thinking” I sighed as I wiped beads of sweat off my face.
My open car door steadily beeped as he looked at me. I didn't want to look at him just yet. I was still upset and I knew if we caught eye contact, it would start another conversation/fight that I didn't want.
“You coming in?” He asked.
I paused. Lord KNOWS I felt like I was about to die in that heat.
“Yeah, in a minute” I managed to get out.
I figured that would make him leave, and I could come in later. I had to prepare myself for the talk we were about to have.
He leaned against my car, crossed his arms and legs, and proceded to stand there with this “well I guess I’ll wait” look on his face.
I gave up within the minute and stepped out the car. Hand in hand, we silently walked back up to his place.
He turned off the tv and sat on the bedroom couch in front of me.
“So… you wanna tell me what all this is about Sway?” He said.
“What it’s about? Usher you KNOW what this is about.” I steamed.
“Look Usher…” I sighed “This isn’t working…”
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Monday, June 26, 2006
A little sun and a little rain...
makes for one craaaaaazy relationship. lol
April was a rocky transition for me. Although nothing really changed with our interactions, my awareness that Usher and I were officially together caused me to act a little different. I found myself arguing with him more. In my mind, our "officialness" changed things. And now that things have "changed", we needed more communication, we needed more boundaries and guidelines… we needed to “talk”.
Like a typical guy, Usher did NOT like the “talks”. He’s a “let it flow” type of guy. He always started our convo with "what's wrong in your crazy brain NOW Sway?" lol
I’d ask him something about us and it would lead to a full fledge disagreement on how things are and/or should be. I’d always end the convo on some, “we are SOOOO different” tip. He'd always look at me, waiting to see if my next words would be, “So maybe we should just be friends”.
They never were. When I’m in something… I’m in it.
At least that’s one thing we're similar on.
I’ll admit, I was driving poor Usher insane. One day I’m crying, the next I’m yelling, the next I’m bugging him about solving some “what if” situation that may not even happen. I was a mess. How does one go from being marriage minded…to just… letting it flow? I tried to find my balance…living in the moment, and being careful for the future.
I was scared out of my mind about falling for Usher. I’d known from day one that we were very different. I was also afraid of really liking him and getting comfortable with the idea of us, because I felt that then would be the very moment when he’d decide to be like the rest of the track stars I’ve dated and run away. So I guess for a while, I unconsciously tried to sabotage our relationship. Testing it, testing him…seeing if he’d leave. Seeing if this was all a game of “see how long it takes to chase Sway down and make her fall for you”. So far, he hasn’t budged. He often looks at me like I’m crazy, but he’s still around.
Still, I couldn’t bring myself to tell very many people about us. TG screwed me up so bad that I didn’t want anyone to know about Usher and I just in case it didn’t work out. I was tired of getting my hopes up. I was tired of feeling humiliated as I have to explain why the man I was with decided to be with someone else. So I hid our relationship.
“Oh, Usher? We’re just kicking it” I’d hear myself tell anyone who realized that I’d been spending a noticeable amount of time with some mystery man. He and I were in one world, and everyone else and I were in another. I separated him from the rest of me, hoping that if we ever parted ways, I could just cut that piece of my life off without it affecting anything else.
He noticed.
Tuesday April 25
4pm
Me: Hey baby.
Usher: Heeeeeey Honey. U sound funny? Your gramma okay?
Me: Naw. She um… she died about 20 minutes ago. We just got through viewing her body. *voice cracking*
Usher: U okay, you want me to come to the hospital.
Me: oh..um.. that’s okay. I’ll be okay. Uh…I’ll uh… call you later.
Friday May 12th
9:30pm
Me: Hey baby. Just thinking about you. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow.
Usher: Well why we gotta wait until tomorrow? I know where the bowling alley is. Why don’t I just meet ya’ll up there?
Me: *whining like I’m 12* Cuuuuuuz… I’m with my friiiiiiiiiiends.
Usher: So. You act like I can’t meet your friends.
Me: Noooo, now you know it’s not like that. I just figured you wouldn’t be too comfortable around them. They aren’t like your friends.
Usher: What you mean by that?
Me: Nothing. Come on if you want.
Usher: Naw. It’s aight. I’ll see you tomorrow. You don’t wanna mess with a nukka tonight.
May 14th
Mother’s Day
Usher: Hey Hooooney!
Me: Hey baby!
Usher: Tell your mom I said Happy Mother’s Day…even though she don’t know me.
Me: *laughing* Whatever, she knows you.
Usher: Does she know I’m yo’ boyfriend?
Me: uh.,…well…
Usher: exactly.
*uncomfortable silence*
Usher: well listen Honey, change of plans. My mom is back from Augusta already so I’m thinking of going to my sister’s boyfriend's house and meeting my mom there for dinner. You wanna come? She wanna meet you?
Me: Fo' real? Uh, wow. Meet your mom? U sure about that? *eye brows raised*
Usher: Yeah. If we gonna be together, she might as well meet you.
Me: *feeling guilty* Yeah. Um…alright.
I felt SOOOO wrong for not letting him into the rest of my life. Here I was meeting his mom, I had already met his sister, a host of his friends AND I had half of their numbers in my phone. Usher doesn’t even know where I live. He’s never met my family, any of my friends. And the only number he has that isn’t mine is my co-worker’s…because he worked there too once. It was very obvious that something was wrong. Thing is… I REALLY wasn’t consciously trying to keep him out. It wasn’t until he brought it to my attention that I realized all of these events.
And of course…the fact that TG still didn’t know about Usher and I was a MAJOR problem.
Don’t get me wrong, I hinted to TG that I was with someone. But I could never just come out and say, Usher is my boyfriend... we’re dating, we’re exclusive...we together.
Usher of course thought it was because I still had feelings for TG. He was so convinced that even I had to go back and question myself. Why couldn’t I tell TG? When I finally figured it out, I was very surprised and disgusted with myself.
I’ve always prided myself on being one of those “forgive and let it go” kinda people. I’ve been done dirty many many times before, and I had never gotten any “get back”. I usually just let it go…and go on with my life. After all, that’s the Christian thing to do right?
Well this time, I didn’t want to let it go. I think I actually wanted TG to feel a part of what I felt. I wanted him to think that he had a chance with me. I wanted him to think that when he moved back up here in a few months, that everything would be the way it was. I wanted him to think that I still wanted him, so when he finally moved here, and really tried to plan for our life together, when he was finally all the way in as I was last year, then I could BLAST him with the “I can’t marry you after all you did to me” and yada yada yada… just do him real wrong.
I know, I know. I'm wrong for that. But that’s what I wanted. Yeah I know that revenge is not the answer, but I still wanted it. I still felt like it would make me feel better. I wanted to see him hurt. But my revenge tactic was interfering with my current relationship and that wasn't cool. Usher wanted me to end it all. Completely. No more contact. Let go of this crazy revenge plan. So I did. I let it go.
All was well with us. My feelings became deeper. His did too.
Our unlikely relationship really was working. Those frustrating arguments we used to have became less frequent, and everyday we were learning more and more about each other.
It's the beginning of June and the sun is shining brightly on us. I had no idea that I was about to put a damper on all of this.
Next blog: The Sunday Blues
April was a rocky transition for me. Although nothing really changed with our interactions, my awareness that Usher and I were officially together caused me to act a little different. I found myself arguing with him more. In my mind, our "officialness" changed things. And now that things have "changed", we needed more communication, we needed more boundaries and guidelines… we needed to “talk”.
Like a typical guy, Usher did NOT like the “talks”. He’s a “let it flow” type of guy. He always started our convo with "what's wrong in your crazy brain NOW Sway?" lol
I’d ask him something about us and it would lead to a full fledge disagreement on how things are and/or should be. I’d always end the convo on some, “we are SOOOO different” tip. He'd always look at me, waiting to see if my next words would be, “So maybe we should just be friends”.
They never were. When I’m in something… I’m in it.
At least that’s one thing we're similar on.
I’ll admit, I was driving poor Usher insane. One day I’m crying, the next I’m yelling, the next I’m bugging him about solving some “what if” situation that may not even happen. I was a mess. How does one go from being marriage minded…to just… letting it flow? I tried to find my balance…living in the moment, and being careful for the future.
I was scared out of my mind about falling for Usher. I’d known from day one that we were very different. I was also afraid of really liking him and getting comfortable with the idea of us, because I felt that then would be the very moment when he’d decide to be like the rest of the track stars I’ve dated and run away. So I guess for a while, I unconsciously tried to sabotage our relationship. Testing it, testing him…seeing if he’d leave. Seeing if this was all a game of “see how long it takes to chase Sway down and make her fall for you”. So far, he hasn’t budged. He often looks at me like I’m crazy, but he’s still around.
Still, I couldn’t bring myself to tell very many people about us. TG screwed me up so bad that I didn’t want anyone to know about Usher and I just in case it didn’t work out. I was tired of getting my hopes up. I was tired of feeling humiliated as I have to explain why the man I was with decided to be with someone else. So I hid our relationship.
“Oh, Usher? We’re just kicking it” I’d hear myself tell anyone who realized that I’d been spending a noticeable amount of time with some mystery man. He and I were in one world, and everyone else and I were in another. I separated him from the rest of me, hoping that if we ever parted ways, I could just cut that piece of my life off without it affecting anything else.
He noticed.
Tuesday April 25
4pm
Me: Hey baby.
Usher: Heeeeeey Honey. U sound funny? Your gramma okay?
Me: Naw. She um… she died about 20 minutes ago. We just got through viewing her body. *voice cracking*
Usher: U okay, you want me to come to the hospital.
Me: oh..um.. that’s okay. I’ll be okay. Uh…I’ll uh… call you later.
Friday May 12th
9:30pm
Me: Hey baby. Just thinking about you. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow.
Usher: Well why we gotta wait until tomorrow? I know where the bowling alley is. Why don’t I just meet ya’ll up there?
Me: *whining like I’m 12* Cuuuuuuz… I’m with my friiiiiiiiiiends.
Usher: So. You act like I can’t meet your friends.
Me: Noooo, now you know it’s not like that. I just figured you wouldn’t be too comfortable around them. They aren’t like your friends.
Usher: What you mean by that?
Me: Nothing. Come on if you want.
Usher: Naw. It’s aight. I’ll see you tomorrow. You don’t wanna mess with a nukka tonight.
May 14th
Mother’s Day
Usher: Hey Hooooney!
Me: Hey baby!
Usher: Tell your mom I said Happy Mother’s Day…even though she don’t know me.
Me: *laughing* Whatever, she knows you.
Usher: Does she know I’m yo’ boyfriend?
Me: uh.,…well…
Usher: exactly.
*uncomfortable silence*
Usher: well listen Honey, change of plans. My mom is back from Augusta already so I’m thinking of going to my sister’s boyfriend's house and meeting my mom there for dinner. You wanna come? She wanna meet you?
Me: Fo' real? Uh, wow. Meet your mom? U sure about that? *eye brows raised*
Usher: Yeah. If we gonna be together, she might as well meet you.
Me: *feeling guilty* Yeah. Um…alright.
I felt SOOOO wrong for not letting him into the rest of my life. Here I was meeting his mom, I had already met his sister, a host of his friends AND I had half of their numbers in my phone. Usher doesn’t even know where I live. He’s never met my family, any of my friends. And the only number he has that isn’t mine is my co-worker’s…because he worked there too once. It was very obvious that something was wrong. Thing is… I REALLY wasn’t consciously trying to keep him out. It wasn’t until he brought it to my attention that I realized all of these events.
And of course…the fact that TG still didn’t know about Usher and I was a MAJOR problem.
Don’t get me wrong, I hinted to TG that I was with someone. But I could never just come out and say, Usher is my boyfriend... we’re dating, we’re exclusive...we together.
Usher of course thought it was because I still had feelings for TG. He was so convinced that even I had to go back and question myself. Why couldn’t I tell TG? When I finally figured it out, I was very surprised and disgusted with myself.
I’ve always prided myself on being one of those “forgive and let it go” kinda people. I’ve been done dirty many many times before, and I had never gotten any “get back”. I usually just let it go…and go on with my life. After all, that’s the Christian thing to do right?
Well this time, I didn’t want to let it go. I think I actually wanted TG to feel a part of what I felt. I wanted him to think that he had a chance with me. I wanted him to think that when he moved back up here in a few months, that everything would be the way it was. I wanted him to think that I still wanted him, so when he finally moved here, and really tried to plan for our life together, when he was finally all the way in as I was last year, then I could BLAST him with the “I can’t marry you after all you did to me” and yada yada yada… just do him real wrong.
I know, I know. I'm wrong for that. But that’s what I wanted. Yeah I know that revenge is not the answer, but I still wanted it. I still felt like it would make me feel better. I wanted to see him hurt. But my revenge tactic was interfering with my current relationship and that wasn't cool. Usher wanted me to end it all. Completely. No more contact. Let go of this crazy revenge plan. So I did. I let it go.
All was well with us. My feelings became deeper. His did too.
Our unlikely relationship really was working. Those frustrating arguments we used to have became less frequent, and everyday we were learning more and more about each other.
It's the beginning of June and the sun is shining brightly on us. I had no idea that I was about to put a damper on all of this.
Next blog: The Sunday Blues
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
April Showers bring May Flowers
Usher and I saw each other a lot during the week. Since he lives so far away from me, it’s much easier for me to leave work and mosey on over to his crib than to come on the weekends from home. Seeing him during the weekday evenings had its benefits. I saved on gas, got out of rush hour traffic, and he’s a GREAT cook. I’d often come over and he’d have dinner already prepared. I loved it. But there were also ramifications to being together during those times. I get most my calls during the weekday evenings. Since I’d been kicking it with Usher, I had been sending lots of calls to voicemail, or just plain not answering. I figured that I’d just chat with them once I left his place. Unfortunately, when I left for home, I never felt like chatting it up with anyone.
I was always honest with Usher about everything. He knew how I felt about TG. He knew how TG felt about me. He knew about our dinner, the proposal, and my reaction. I guess I can’t blame him for not liking TG. lol. I found it humorous when we’d be together and TG would call. Usher’s face would automatically change, and while masking his insecurities he’d sarcastically say, “your boyfriend’s calling, you might wanna get that”. I’d roll my eyes at him and we’d continue to do whatever it is we were doing. Thing was… TG kept calling….and calling…and calling. I knew it bothered Usher. TG had his own ringtone and everytime his song came on, Usher's face would turn something ugly. So I began putting my phone on silent. A few weeks go by and I’ve been really good about remembering to silence my phone. I didn’t feel like hearing Usher’s mouth about why “dis nigga keep calling”. But of course I forgot one day, and Fantasia starts belting out her notes. It felt like something out of a movie.
We were sitting on the couch in the living room after a wonderful meal of ramen noodles and Doritos. lol And we were lost in our own thoughts while watching the beautiful sunset, when “if you don’t want me then don’t talk to meeeee” consumes our ears from the bedroom. I quickly glance at him only to find my gaze met by his. As if in slow motion, we both looked towards the room and made a dash towards the bedroom. I'm pushing him and he's pushing back, both of us trying to be first to the phone.
I had so many things running through my mind. He was REALLY about to answer my phone! He must be very agitated by TG’s calls now. What does this neegro think he’s gonna say to TG? How will TG react to hearing a dude’s voice on the other end? He doesn’t even know about Usher. Why do I even CARE how TG reacts? I can’t believe we’re actually running for MY phone!
He leaps from the hallway superman style, flies through the door frame and lands on the bed with a big flop. The phone is literally a hair out of his grasp. I closely behind him, land on his back and proceed to beat him to the phone by grasping my hand across his eyes and forehead and pulling them back towards me so that I could roll over him and retrieve my phone.
“Usher… stoooooooop!” I yelled with no success.
“Naw, uh uh. I’m tired of this bi*** azz nigga calling you while you with me. He needs to know that his conversation is no longer welcomed. You done right?” he calmly retorts back while literally picking me up with one hand and putting me down on the bedroom couch and holding the phone in his other hand.
“Yeah I’m done with him” I unconvincingly say. We caught eye contact and as I caught my breath, I defeatedly looked at him flip my phone open and say “hello?”
Before I knew it, I jumped up and took my phone from him and snapped it closed. HARD.
He stared at me.
I stared back.
“I can’t believe you still love him after all that sh** he did to you.”
“Well I can’t believe you just answered my damn phone!” I yelled. “Do you see me invading your privacy? Do you see me going through yo’ stuff? Huh? let me handle this MY WAY!”
“You’ve been handling this your way for months now Sway. Sh** ain’t working. Handle that nigga or I will.”
“What u mean you’ll handle him? You ain’t my dude Usher! And don’t tell me what to do!”
“I ain’t yo’ dude. I ain’t you dude? Da f***? You kidding me ? Think about it Sway! You at my house damn near erryday. U know all my friends. You the only woman I’m messing with! I’m the only dude YOU messin with. We go out without question EVERY WEEKEND. We talk on the phone EVERYDAY. What the hell u think is going on? If I ain’t yo dude, then who am I and what da hell we doin?”
*crickets*
He was right.
Here it is the beginning of April and for the last 2 months, I’ve been kickin it with him and only him. And not ONCE did I realize that this neegro really IS my dude, whether I admitted it or not. My words and my actions told two very different tales. I might have said, and really thought with all my heart, that I wasn’t feeling ole dude like that, but reality was…we were a couple. I just didn’t know it.
I just stared at him. Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized what I got myself into. “I’m not READY for a relationship” I think to myself.
“I told you Usher, I’m not READY for this. I’m not ready for a relationship. I’m just... *sigh* I'm just not.”
He looked at me for a long time as I sat there on his couch looking like I just found out my dog died.
“Sway, I’m not forcing you to be with me. I’m not forcing you to spend time with me. I’m not forcing you to have a relationship with me. If you’re not ready for what we’ve ALREADY been doing for the last two months then fine. I just… I just don’t understand you. You say you’re not ready, but everything we do says that you are ready. I’m not asking you to marry me, or move in, or anything like that. We’re just… with each other. All we doing is… taking it day by day. What’s so hard about that? Why do you need to be ‘ready’ for that?”
I didn’t respond. I needed time to think. My head was hurting. I really had no idea that I had become his girlfriend without even knowing it. I was at the point where I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him, yet I didn’t want to walk away either.
I was scared. TG had hurt me so deeply that I was afraid to date anyone else. I was afraid that as soon as I let my guard down, Usher would hurt me. I was afraid of being abandoned. I was afraid of being used. I was afraid to try again.
*sigh* “You know what? It seems like we always argue about this. Just forget it okay. Let’s just forget it. If you wanna just be friends, we’ll just be friends. When you decide you want more, let me know. I’ll be ready and waiting.”
I looked at this man sitting in front of me, with tears in his eyes and realized that he had the same fears as I did. He was just as fragile as I was. But he was willing to try. He was willing to take it day by day praying each day that it wouldn’t be the last time we’d enjoy each other’s company. He was willing to wait for me to feel better about us.
I said okay and decided that now would be a good time to head home. I had a lot of thinking to do. I knew Usher was right about everything. But I needed to sort out some other things… like, why I couldn’t bring myself to tell TG about Usher.
A week or so later.
April 10th
2am
Me: Yeah that really was funny. *laughing*
Usher: Yeah. *his phone clicks* Hold on.
Me: yup. *thinking, who's calling him so late..*
Usher: I’m back. My fault.
Me: Who was that?
Usher: Ike. He done locked his real dumb azz out again. *getting up to unlock the front door.*
Me: Oh…
Usher: And why u all in my biznass girl! *jokingly fussing at me* You starting to act like my girlfriend now.
Me: Cuz your business IS my business. *jokingly fussing back* And I AM your girlfriend boy!
Usher: Oh yeah? Since when...neegro?
Me: since right now! U got a problem with that?
Usher: *laughing* Hell naw. 'Bout time you got with this. Hold on...lemme go get a pen to write this date and time down. Making a n**ga work all hard and sh**. Got me blushin over here...
And with that… Usher officially became my new beau.
Next blog: Usher and I today.
I was always honest with Usher about everything. He knew how I felt about TG. He knew how TG felt about me. He knew about our dinner, the proposal, and my reaction. I guess I can’t blame him for not liking TG. lol. I found it humorous when we’d be together and TG would call. Usher’s face would automatically change, and while masking his insecurities he’d sarcastically say, “your boyfriend’s calling, you might wanna get that”. I’d roll my eyes at him and we’d continue to do whatever it is we were doing. Thing was… TG kept calling….and calling…and calling. I knew it bothered Usher. TG had his own ringtone and everytime his song came on, Usher's face would turn something ugly. So I began putting my phone on silent. A few weeks go by and I’ve been really good about remembering to silence my phone. I didn’t feel like hearing Usher’s mouth about why “dis nigga keep calling”. But of course I forgot one day, and Fantasia starts belting out her notes. It felt like something out of a movie.
We were sitting on the couch in the living room after a wonderful meal of ramen noodles and Doritos. lol And we were lost in our own thoughts while watching the beautiful sunset, when “if you don’t want me then don’t talk to meeeee” consumes our ears from the bedroom. I quickly glance at him only to find my gaze met by his. As if in slow motion, we both looked towards the room and made a dash towards the bedroom. I'm pushing him and he's pushing back, both of us trying to be first to the phone.
I had so many things running through my mind. He was REALLY about to answer my phone! He must be very agitated by TG’s calls now. What does this neegro think he’s gonna say to TG? How will TG react to hearing a dude’s voice on the other end? He doesn’t even know about Usher. Why do I even CARE how TG reacts? I can’t believe we’re actually running for MY phone!
He leaps from the hallway superman style, flies through the door frame and lands on the bed with a big flop. The phone is literally a hair out of his grasp. I closely behind him, land on his back and proceed to beat him to the phone by grasping my hand across his eyes and forehead and pulling them back towards me so that I could roll over him and retrieve my phone.
“Usher… stoooooooop!” I yelled with no success.
“Naw, uh uh. I’m tired of this bi*** azz nigga calling you while you with me. He needs to know that his conversation is no longer welcomed. You done right?” he calmly retorts back while literally picking me up with one hand and putting me down on the bedroom couch and holding the phone in his other hand.
“Yeah I’m done with him” I unconvincingly say. We caught eye contact and as I caught my breath, I defeatedly looked at him flip my phone open and say “hello?”
Before I knew it, I jumped up and took my phone from him and snapped it closed. HARD.
He stared at me.
I stared back.
“I can’t believe you still love him after all that sh** he did to you.”
“Well I can’t believe you just answered my damn phone!” I yelled. “Do you see me invading your privacy? Do you see me going through yo’ stuff? Huh? let me handle this MY WAY!”
“You’ve been handling this your way for months now Sway. Sh** ain’t working. Handle that nigga or I will.”
“What u mean you’ll handle him? You ain’t my dude Usher! And don’t tell me what to do!”
“I ain’t yo’ dude. I ain’t you dude? Da f***? You kidding me ? Think about it Sway! You at my house damn near erryday. U know all my friends. You the only woman I’m messing with! I’m the only dude YOU messin with. We go out without question EVERY WEEKEND. We talk on the phone EVERYDAY. What the hell u think is going on? If I ain’t yo dude, then who am I and what da hell we doin?”
*crickets*
He was right.
Here it is the beginning of April and for the last 2 months, I’ve been kickin it with him and only him. And not ONCE did I realize that this neegro really IS my dude, whether I admitted it or not. My words and my actions told two very different tales. I might have said, and really thought with all my heart, that I wasn’t feeling ole dude like that, but reality was…we were a couple. I just didn’t know it.
I just stared at him. Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized what I got myself into. “I’m not READY for a relationship” I think to myself.
“I told you Usher, I’m not READY for this. I’m not ready for a relationship. I’m just... *sigh* I'm just not.”
He looked at me for a long time as I sat there on his couch looking like I just found out my dog died.
“Sway, I’m not forcing you to be with me. I’m not forcing you to spend time with me. I’m not forcing you to have a relationship with me. If you’re not ready for what we’ve ALREADY been doing for the last two months then fine. I just… I just don’t understand you. You say you’re not ready, but everything we do says that you are ready. I’m not asking you to marry me, or move in, or anything like that. We’re just… with each other. All we doing is… taking it day by day. What’s so hard about that? Why do you need to be ‘ready’ for that?”
I didn’t respond. I needed time to think. My head was hurting. I really had no idea that I had become his girlfriend without even knowing it. I was at the point where I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him, yet I didn’t want to walk away either.
I was scared. TG had hurt me so deeply that I was afraid to date anyone else. I was afraid that as soon as I let my guard down, Usher would hurt me. I was afraid of being abandoned. I was afraid of being used. I was afraid to try again.
*sigh* “You know what? It seems like we always argue about this. Just forget it okay. Let’s just forget it. If you wanna just be friends, we’ll just be friends. When you decide you want more, let me know. I’ll be ready and waiting.”
I looked at this man sitting in front of me, with tears in his eyes and realized that he had the same fears as I did. He was just as fragile as I was. But he was willing to try. He was willing to take it day by day praying each day that it wouldn’t be the last time we’d enjoy each other’s company. He was willing to wait for me to feel better about us.
I said okay and decided that now would be a good time to head home. I had a lot of thinking to do. I knew Usher was right about everything. But I needed to sort out some other things… like, why I couldn’t bring myself to tell TG about Usher.
A week or so later.
April 10th
2am
Me: Yeah that really was funny. *laughing*
Usher: Yeah. *his phone clicks* Hold on.
Me: yup. *thinking, who's calling him so late..*
Usher: I’m back. My fault.
Me: Who was that?
Usher: Ike. He done locked his real dumb azz out again. *getting up to unlock the front door.*
Me: Oh…
Usher: And why u all in my biznass girl! *jokingly fussing at me* You starting to act like my girlfriend now.
Me: Cuz your business IS my business. *jokingly fussing back* And I AM your girlfriend boy!
Usher: Oh yeah? Since when...neegro?
Me: since right now! U got a problem with that?
Usher: *laughing* Hell naw. 'Bout time you got with this. Hold on...lemme go get a pen to write this date and time down. Making a n**ga work all hard and sh**. Got me blushin over here...
And with that… Usher officially became my new beau.
Next blog: Usher and I today.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Past, meet Present
Usher is quite a character. One of those "jack of all trades" kinda guys… except I can’t say that he’s a master of none. He’s actually VERYgood at a LOT of things. It didn’t take him long to find another job. His hustle is strong. I admired that. I decided to give him the second date he'd been asking for before he started working long hours at his new gig. Back then, my weekends were really full. I was teaching etiquette classes, attending real estate seminars, at dance and choir rehearsals…and etc. So I ended up taking a full Monday off to hang with him and see what he had planned. I wasn’t expecting much. A little chat maybe, lots of arguing…and of course, I expected to be disgustingly delighted by our exchange. As usual, I’m wrong. I underestimated Usher’s charm.
We went out for brunch at IHOP close to his place. We talked about our “ex’s”, schooling, life events and whatever else we thought was important over pancakes, scrambled eggs, country fried steak and grits. His story was amazing. Usher seemed to be on his 4th life now, and he’s only 30. I informed him more thoroughly about my situation with TG. Over the course of our convo’s I’ve given him bits and pieces of the story, but I figured I’d go ahead and let him know it all. He listened to it all, face meticulously presented to show no emotion. When I finished, he expressed his distaste in what TG did and promised that if he ever got a chance with me, he’d never do that to me. He quickly changed the subject to a lighter note as we left for the park. It’s March and the crisp breeze made for a wonderful outing. For the first time since we met, I actually wanted us to spend more time together. I noticed that he always opened the car door…well all doors for me, he held my hand EVERYWHERE we went, and he was always bought me something to commemorate our dates. I liked him… kinda. He made me smile. And THAT had been hard to do since TG left. Many had tried…but my heart was stone, my time was precious, my tongue was sharp. Usher saw through that, and though I kept my guard up with him, when he wasn’t looking, I secretly let it down to peep at what was going on.
There were many more dates. I found myself enjoying our time together. The thing I liked about him is his spontaneity. I never knew what we were gonna do when we got together, but by the end of the day (or night), we learned something new about each other, did something we’ve never done together, and got something for keepsake to remember our good time with. In one month, in addition to the usual dinners and movies, we’d been to a concert where he took me backstage to meet Mint Condition, hit up a few bbq’s and house parties, went to the circus, played pool, had a picnic, and our favorite past time: spent the day at Dave and Busters. We actually did this a FEW times that month. lol They have this “jeopardy” game where about 6 people compete against each other by getting the most answers correct in the shortest amount of time.(just like the show). I was surprised at how much he knew in the different categories… I saw a new side of him. Beyond all the big talk, conceited air, curse words, and “ey shawty’s” was a really enlightened individual. I was impressed.
I couldn’t keep my hard façade up too much longer. He began seeing that I liked him. With every gaze, we added an extra second of eye contact. With every hand hold, my grip became unintentionally tighter. I liked him. But I still didn’t wanna date him. It was still too soon. It had only been 3 months since… well you know who. And though I had closed that chapter, I wasn’t ready to open another. Well I thought I had closed the chapter.
I told you guys about TG’s random return in March. (read here and/or here) Well, this was right around the time that Usher and I had been having all of this wonderful fun together. I had almost forgotten about all the happenings from Dec/Jan with TG, but as soon as I saw his name on that text, and heard his voice for the first time in months, floods of emotions resurfaced. Some I didn’t even realize were still there. I hated him! I loved him. I hated him for making me love him. I loved him for who I thought he was. I hated him for who he really was. I wanted him back. I couldn’t take him back. I was a ball of emotions. Confused, hurt, excited, curious, and angry all at the same time. I told Usher about TG and our conversations. I also told him that I had decided to go to dinner with TG because I was curious as to what he had to say and because I needed to get all the things off my chest I had been holding in since New Years. I needed that closure.
Usher did NOT understand. He tried to hold his tongue and be understanding, but it just didn’t happen. Questions were flying left and right about my curiosity, followed closely behind by heartfelt disdain for all that is TG. He wasn’t afraid to strongly voice his opinions about what TG did to me and got he hotter by the moment just talking about it.
For the first time, Usher showed me his true emotions concerning his nervousness about losing me to TG. I told him, and everyone else who thought I was going back that I was done. But I had to admit to him, I still was very much in love with TG. I couldn't lie to him. Unfortunately that didn't help him with his insecurities.
Every time Usher and I went out after the dinner with TG, I could see the fear in his eyes. Now that TG and I were back in contact with one another, I could always up and end this friendship he worked so hard to build any day now.
To be honest, even I didn’t know what I was going to do just yet. All I knew is that I loved TG, but I enjoyed spending time with Usher. Nothing more. So, I just asked God to direct me and I continued on.
After a few weeks of me still hanging with Usher, he began to relax a tad. The fear slowly began to leave his eyes and that charming smile I was use to started to reappear, until one day TG called and Usher answered the phone.
Next blog: April Showers bring May Flowers: The rocky transitions.
We went out for brunch at IHOP close to his place. We talked about our “ex’s”, schooling, life events and whatever else we thought was important over pancakes, scrambled eggs, country fried steak and grits. His story was amazing. Usher seemed to be on his 4th life now, and he’s only 30. I informed him more thoroughly about my situation with TG. Over the course of our convo’s I’ve given him bits and pieces of the story, but I figured I’d go ahead and let him know it all. He listened to it all, face meticulously presented to show no emotion. When I finished, he expressed his distaste in what TG did and promised that if he ever got a chance with me, he’d never do that to me. He quickly changed the subject to a lighter note as we left for the park. It’s March and the crisp breeze made for a wonderful outing. For the first time since we met, I actually wanted us to spend more time together. I noticed that he always opened the car door…well all doors for me, he held my hand EVERYWHERE we went, and he was always bought me something to commemorate our dates. I liked him… kinda. He made me smile. And THAT had been hard to do since TG left. Many had tried…but my heart was stone, my time was precious, my tongue was sharp. Usher saw through that, and though I kept my guard up with him, when he wasn’t looking, I secretly let it down to peep at what was going on.
There were many more dates. I found myself enjoying our time together. The thing I liked about him is his spontaneity. I never knew what we were gonna do when we got together, but by the end of the day (or night), we learned something new about each other, did something we’ve never done together, and got something for keepsake to remember our good time with. In one month, in addition to the usual dinners and movies, we’d been to a concert where he took me backstage to meet Mint Condition, hit up a few bbq’s and house parties, went to the circus, played pool, had a picnic, and our favorite past time: spent the day at Dave and Busters. We actually did this a FEW times that month. lol They have this “jeopardy” game where about 6 people compete against each other by getting the most answers correct in the shortest amount of time.(just like the show). I was surprised at how much he knew in the different categories… I saw a new side of him. Beyond all the big talk, conceited air, curse words, and “ey shawty’s” was a really enlightened individual. I was impressed.
I couldn’t keep my hard façade up too much longer. He began seeing that I liked him. With every gaze, we added an extra second of eye contact. With every hand hold, my grip became unintentionally tighter. I liked him. But I still didn’t wanna date him. It was still too soon. It had only been 3 months since… well you know who. And though I had closed that chapter, I wasn’t ready to open another. Well I thought I had closed the chapter.
I told you guys about TG’s random return in March. (read here and/or here) Well, this was right around the time that Usher and I had been having all of this wonderful fun together. I had almost forgotten about all the happenings from Dec/Jan with TG, but as soon as I saw his name on that text, and heard his voice for the first time in months, floods of emotions resurfaced. Some I didn’t even realize were still there. I hated him! I loved him. I hated him for making me love him. I loved him for who I thought he was. I hated him for who he really was. I wanted him back. I couldn’t take him back. I was a ball of emotions. Confused, hurt, excited, curious, and angry all at the same time. I told Usher about TG and our conversations. I also told him that I had decided to go to dinner with TG because I was curious as to what he had to say and because I needed to get all the things off my chest I had been holding in since New Years. I needed that closure.
Usher did NOT understand. He tried to hold his tongue and be understanding, but it just didn’t happen. Questions were flying left and right about my curiosity, followed closely behind by heartfelt disdain for all that is TG. He wasn’t afraid to strongly voice his opinions about what TG did to me and got he hotter by the moment just talking about it.
For the first time, Usher showed me his true emotions concerning his nervousness about losing me to TG. I told him, and everyone else who thought I was going back that I was done. But I had to admit to him, I still was very much in love with TG. I couldn't lie to him. Unfortunately that didn't help him with his insecurities.
Every time Usher and I went out after the dinner with TG, I could see the fear in his eyes. Now that TG and I were back in contact with one another, I could always up and end this friendship he worked so hard to build any day now.
To be honest, even I didn’t know what I was going to do just yet. All I knew is that I loved TG, but I enjoyed spending time with Usher. Nothing more. So, I just asked God to direct me and I continued on.
After a few weeks of me still hanging with Usher, he began to relax a tad. The fear slowly began to leave his eyes and that charming smile I was use to started to reappear, until one day TG called and Usher answered the phone.
Next blog: April Showers bring May Flowers: The rocky transitions.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Workplace Drama
I’ve never been good at saying no. I’ve heard the “you’re too nice” line so much, it should be my middle name.
So it’s no surprise that after my first date with Usher, his confidence and interest in me became stronger. I mean after all, I DID give him a date…so in his eyes, I MUST be feeling him on some level right? *shrug*
He made it his business to frequent my desk during the day, and I made it mu business to try and act busy so he’d leave. He never got the hint. He’d come up with a new topic for us to discuss everyday. I must admit, brutha can spit some knowledge. He knew a little something about everything. Without even realizing it, I started to look forward to our conversations. That was…until the conversation turned from some general topic to “So, why you don’t wanna date a brutha?” Ugh! He HAD to mess up a perfectly good time with that mess.
Our leo traits kept us at odds with each other. We never agreed on anything. If he thought it was blue, I thought it was purple. If he liked coffee, I couldn’t stand it. Everyday we’d go at it until one of us got frustrated. I’m not sure why I enjoyed it. I guess it was refreshing to interact with someone who isn't trying to like what I like in order to spit that “we have so much in common” noise in my ear.
A few weeks had passed and I didn’t even realize how comfortable I had become with us seeing each other and talking everyday day. We began coordinating our schedules to maximize our talk/debate time and soon it was noticeable to everyone around us that something was up with us. I didn’t see it then, but he did. And everyone else did too.
Usher is a nice looking guy. I won’t take that away from him. So needless to say, Usher had his fan base. Anytime a new black single err…scratch that…a new black man is hired, you better believe every single black heterosexual woman is up ON it. I heard the women in the bathroom back in Septemeber talking about the new security guard and how fine he was. I saw how people who never even knew we had security was all of a sudden making visits to the front desk to “check out” the new guy.
Quite naturally when they began seeing us together, speculation occurred. Inquiring minds wanted to know what was up. Eye gazes fell on us a little longer than usual. Women who didn't usually talk to me would stop by my desk, convienently at the time Usher was there to ask me can they borrow my stapler... *eye roll* It was deep. I didn't pay it too much mind until this incident with Candy happened.
Candy: Hey Uuuuusher! *opening her arms for a hug*
Usher: Hey Miss Lady what’s going on. *dodging hug with a half hug/shake*
Candy: U heading to lunch?
Usher: Yeah, going with my friend. *pointing behind her, towards me*
Candy: *startled, cuz she didn’t see me there* Oh. *frowning momentarily, then quickly regaining her flirty composure* Well, I’ll see you later. You working til 9?
Usher: Yeah. *walking towards me*
Candy: Okay. Uh…see ya.
Usher: yup.
Me: Hmmm... Looks like you already got someone to kick it with. What u chasin me for? lol
Usher: Man whatever. She been trying to get me to take her out since I started working here. I went out with her once, we chilled, smoked, and she was cool, but that was that. From time to time, we still smoke together but that’s it. To be honest with you, Sway. I like to be the chaser. Yeah it’s flattering. I ain’t gone lie… she fine. But if I wanted her, I’d have holla’d at her, not the other way around. Smell me?
Me: yeah, yeah, yeah whateva. i like the way you dodged that hug though. lol. You didn’t have to do that on my account. We ain’t dating. (I had to say that at least twice a day to remind him)
Usher: Naw it’s not that. It's like, I only pursue one person at a time when I’m interested in someone, no one else gets any play. She was cool to hang with when I got here…but since I met u, no one else gets my attention. Whether we're *mimicking me* “dating or not”.
Later that day. (so I’m told)
Candy: Hey Usher.
Usher: Hey
Candy: So is that the girl everyone talking about u dating?
Usher: I didn’t know everyone was talking. When did I get so important. *poppin collar*
Candy: U didn’t answer my question, what’s up with you and ole girl?
Usher: Nothing yet. We just kicking it.
Candy: oh. So that IS her huh? She so quiet. I can’t believe ya’ll talking
Usher: We not talking yet. We…
Candy: Yet? So you trying to talk to her?
Usher: Hell yeah! She’s a real nice girl. Why you in my business anyway guul? lol
Candy: *sigh* Whatever, so we smoking friday or what?
Usher: Naw. Can’t do that no mo’. Might wanna find you a new smoke partner.
Candy: U for real? Ya’ll ain’t even dating!
Usher: Yup. Gotta get back to work.
Candy: *storms off*
A few days later.
Usher: Hey Sway…
Me: Hey! *hearing the anger in his voice* What’s wrong?
Usher: You won’t believe this bull****! I just got suspended from work!
Me: Huh? What u mean suspended?
Usher: Theses mutha******* suspended me on some bull****! You know Candy on the 3rd floor? Well her lying azz just told my boss that I sexually harassed her. SEXUALLY HARRASSED her! Can u believe that? Talkin ‘bout I told her she looked nice today and it offended her. So now they are suspending me without pay to “investigate” the matter. This is some bull. I ain’t said s*** to her! You can ask Laura… since the first day I began working here, Candy been flirting with me. Hasn’t she? *hearing Laura in the background, "Yuuup."* And now she see me kicking it with you all the time she gone start some mess. It’s aight though. I’mma say something to her. She dead azz wrong for that.
Me: Dang, I'm sorry to hear that. *crickets* I’m thinking… sexual harassment. Daaaaaaaaang. That’s as helluva charge. I didn’t really know what else to say.
Usher: It’s all good though. Truth will come out. Bet that!
Two weeks go by and Usher and I communicate only through phone. I kinda miss him being here. He's asked me to come over to his crib, but i refused. Just cuz i miss our convo does NOT mean i'm trying to be at his crib like that. *rolling eyes at him* The Friday before the 3rd week of suspension, he calls me saying that Candy retracted her statement by stating that she was mearly trying to inform Usher's boss that he is sometimes “flirty” with staff, but he never harassed her and she didn’t want to press charges, or get him fired or anything. She just saw how he interacted with the “STAFF HERE” (ie. Me) and figured that he was not as professional as he should be.
His boss of course told him to be at work Monday morning and that was that.
Usher was HOT. He had missed 2 weeks worth of funds for this bull. And no one even offered him an apology for it. Nothing. So he came back, made a big scene and got his behind FIRED. lol *lawd lawd lawd...smh*
I knew it was coming though. Usher is a hothead. His temper can consume anyone within 50 feet at a moments notice. So when he told me about everything that happened and how he was coming back on Monday to “say his peace”… I knew that it would be his last day here.
He did too. He already started looking for another job after the first week of suspension. lol
Things actually became more interesting between us once we stopped working together. If I was gonna see him, I'd have to do it outside of work now. *shrug*
And I made a mental note to myself after that whole episode: Don’t get on Usher’s bad side.
He was intense... and I was drawn to it like a moth to a flame.
Next blog- Past vs. Present
So it’s no surprise that after my first date with Usher, his confidence and interest in me became stronger. I mean after all, I DID give him a date…so in his eyes, I MUST be feeling him on some level right? *shrug*
He made it his business to frequent my desk during the day, and I made it mu business to try and act busy so he’d leave. He never got the hint. He’d come up with a new topic for us to discuss everyday. I must admit, brutha can spit some knowledge. He knew a little something about everything. Without even realizing it, I started to look forward to our conversations. That was…until the conversation turned from some general topic to “So, why you don’t wanna date a brutha?” Ugh! He HAD to mess up a perfectly good time with that mess.
Our leo traits kept us at odds with each other. We never agreed on anything. If he thought it was blue, I thought it was purple. If he liked coffee, I couldn’t stand it. Everyday we’d go at it until one of us got frustrated. I’m not sure why I enjoyed it. I guess it was refreshing to interact with someone who isn't trying to like what I like in order to spit that “we have so much in common” noise in my ear.
A few weeks had passed and I didn’t even realize how comfortable I had become with us seeing each other and talking everyday day. We began coordinating our schedules to maximize our talk/debate time and soon it was noticeable to everyone around us that something was up with us. I didn’t see it then, but he did. And everyone else did too.
Usher is a nice looking guy. I won’t take that away from him. So needless to say, Usher had his fan base. Anytime a new black single err…scratch that…a new black man is hired, you better believe every single black heterosexual woman is up ON it. I heard the women in the bathroom back in Septemeber talking about the new security guard and how fine he was. I saw how people who never even knew we had security was all of a sudden making visits to the front desk to “check out” the new guy.
Quite naturally when they began seeing us together, speculation occurred. Inquiring minds wanted to know what was up. Eye gazes fell on us a little longer than usual. Women who didn't usually talk to me would stop by my desk, convienently at the time Usher was there to ask me can they borrow my stapler... *eye roll* It was deep. I didn't pay it too much mind until this incident with Candy happened.
Candy: Hey Uuuuusher! *opening her arms for a hug*
Usher: Hey Miss Lady what’s going on. *dodging hug with a half hug/shake*
Candy: U heading to lunch?
Usher: Yeah, going with my friend. *pointing behind her, towards me*
Candy: *startled, cuz she didn’t see me there* Oh. *frowning momentarily, then quickly regaining her flirty composure* Well, I’ll see you later. You working til 9?
Usher: Yeah. *walking towards me*
Candy: Okay. Uh…see ya.
Usher: yup.
Me: Hmmm... Looks like you already got someone to kick it with. What u chasin me for? lol
Usher: Man whatever. She been trying to get me to take her out since I started working here. I went out with her once, we chilled, smoked, and she was cool, but that was that. From time to time, we still smoke together but that’s it. To be honest with you, Sway. I like to be the chaser. Yeah it’s flattering. I ain’t gone lie… she fine. But if I wanted her, I’d have holla’d at her, not the other way around. Smell me?
Me: yeah, yeah, yeah whateva. i like the way you dodged that hug though. lol. You didn’t have to do that on my account. We ain’t dating. (I had to say that at least twice a day to remind him)
Usher: Naw it’s not that. It's like, I only pursue one person at a time when I’m interested in someone, no one else gets any play. She was cool to hang with when I got here…but since I met u, no one else gets my attention. Whether we're *mimicking me* “dating or not”.
Later that day. (so I’m told)
Candy: Hey Usher.
Usher: Hey
Candy: So is that the girl everyone talking about u dating?
Usher: I didn’t know everyone was talking. When did I get so important. *poppin collar*
Candy: U didn’t answer my question, what’s up with you and ole girl?
Usher: Nothing yet. We just kicking it.
Candy: oh. So that IS her huh? She so quiet. I can’t believe ya’ll talking
Usher: We not talking yet. We…
Candy: Yet? So you trying to talk to her?
Usher: Hell yeah! She’s a real nice girl. Why you in my business anyway guul? lol
Candy: *sigh* Whatever, so we smoking friday or what?
Usher: Naw. Can’t do that no mo’. Might wanna find you a new smoke partner.
Candy: U for real? Ya’ll ain’t even dating!
Usher: Yup. Gotta get back to work.
Candy: *storms off*
A few days later.
Usher: Hey Sway…
Me: Hey! *hearing the anger in his voice* What’s wrong?
Usher: You won’t believe this bull****! I just got suspended from work!
Me: Huh? What u mean suspended?
Usher: Theses mutha******* suspended me on some bull****! You know Candy on the 3rd floor? Well her lying azz just told my boss that I sexually harassed her. SEXUALLY HARRASSED her! Can u believe that? Talkin ‘bout I told her she looked nice today and it offended her. So now they are suspending me without pay to “investigate” the matter. This is some bull. I ain’t said s*** to her! You can ask Laura… since the first day I began working here, Candy been flirting with me. Hasn’t she? *hearing Laura in the background, "Yuuup."* And now she see me kicking it with you all the time she gone start some mess. It’s aight though. I’mma say something to her. She dead azz wrong for that.
Me: Dang, I'm sorry to hear that. *crickets* I’m thinking… sexual harassment. Daaaaaaaaang. That’s as helluva charge. I didn’t really know what else to say.
Usher: It’s all good though. Truth will come out. Bet that!
Two weeks go by and Usher and I communicate only through phone. I kinda miss him being here. He's asked me to come over to his crib, but i refused. Just cuz i miss our convo does NOT mean i'm trying to be at his crib like that. *rolling eyes at him* The Friday before the 3rd week of suspension, he calls me saying that Candy retracted her statement by stating that she was mearly trying to inform Usher's boss that he is sometimes “flirty” with staff, but he never harassed her and she didn’t want to press charges, or get him fired or anything. She just saw how he interacted with the “STAFF HERE” (ie. Me) and figured that he was not as professional as he should be.
His boss of course told him to be at work Monday morning and that was that.
Usher was HOT. He had missed 2 weeks worth of funds for this bull. And no one even offered him an apology for it. Nothing. So he came back, made a big scene and got his behind FIRED. lol *lawd lawd lawd...smh*
I knew it was coming though. Usher is a hothead. His temper can consume anyone within 50 feet at a moments notice. So when he told me about everything that happened and how he was coming back on Monday to “say his peace”… I knew that it would be his last day here.
He did too. He already started looking for another job after the first week of suspension. lol
Things actually became more interesting between us once we stopped working together. If I was gonna see him, I'd have to do it outside of work now. *shrug*
And I made a mental note to myself after that whole episode: Don’t get on Usher’s bad side.
He was intense... and I was drawn to it like a moth to a flame.
Next blog- Past vs. Present
Monday, June 05, 2006
Introducing: Usher
I’ve really been holding out on you guys. Not intentionally. Well…maybe a little bit. But I never really figured that my omission of one small person would actually be significant in my blog updates/stories/daily happenings.
*READ HERE ABOUT SECURITY GUARD*
What can I say, he kinda snuck up on me. If you would have told me in February that I’d actually like and want to spend my free time with the likes of him I would have probably laughed in your face. HARD.
It’s always been like that with me for the most part. The guys that I took one look at and was like, “he GOTTA be mine”, I end up getting to know and then realize how much I’m not feeling him. And the guys that I take one look at and be like “Something about him annoys me”, are the very ones that I end up getting closer to and really being cool with. Such is the case now.
I’m trying to figure out where to start… I guess the beginning won't hurt huh?
I should first start by changing his name from security guard to Usher, since he no longer works as a security guard here…and since as much as I despise Usher, the security guard actually favors him…A LOT. They got the same big ole head, same hair cut, same nose. Everything. Although security guard is taller than Usher and without the 6pack. lol It’s amazing how I can not be attracted to usher AT.ALL. But really dig the security guard. I guess personality really does change a person’s appearance for me.
Anywho…the security guard will now be referred to as Usher.
As I told you guys before, he and I used to flirt a lot when I dropped off my radio at the front desk each afternoon. I never planned to look into it anymore than it was… office eye candy. But soon he started coming to my desk 2-3 times a day, and calling me on my office phone. Ugh! I hated that. I though he was trying too hard. I had already told him that I wasn’t interested in anything but friendship. I was fresh out of a bad breakup and I was in no mood entertain the idea of starting something new. But Usher was persistent. He practically begged me for a date. I don’t wanna make it seem like he was a punk cuz he was real cool about it, but the brutha was NOT taking no for an answer. I finally gave in and we set our first date for the 3rd saturday in February. He told me that he got off work at 3 and asked if I minded picking him up since he was currently car-less.
Carless? Um… hmmm. I might be wrong, but I’ve never dated someone with out a car. Or a phone. Oh yeah…didn’t I mention that? If you read that last post about him, he actually didn’t have a phone # to give to me. *smh* I was liking him less and less. It’s probably shallow huh? I’m supposed to look inside at who he is and not what he has right? um…no. Been there…done that. The older I get, the more I realize that I date to find a life partner, and it’s gonna take more than a good personality for us to get through life comfortably. Anywho, I digress. I told him okay since I had already agreed to go and that was that.
I picked him up at work one Saturday afternoon and we went to chili’s for what I call a “lunch and learn”. I was still NOT feeling him. He was cool, but something about him just irked me. I guess I was used to how TG and I interacted and Usher was soooooo different. I didn’t like it. I wasn’t ready to date. In fact, the more I sat there, the more I realized how much I wasn’t ready for this. After lunch I asked him where he would like to be dropped off. I don’t think he liked that too tough. lol He thought we were spending the entire day together. I was tired of him though. So we sat in the car for 5 minutes as he pleaded with me to go to underground with him for a little while, and then I could leave. I sighed and said okay.
Weird as it sounds, once we got there, I actually had fun with him. He bought us these key chains with our respective birthdates/sign on them. It was small, but I’m sentimental like that… I still have the “Jane” key chain my high school boyfriend bought me. (we used to joke about how our names were so different that we’d never find anything with our name on it. So we “changed” our name to Jim and Jane and bought key chains, necklaces, cards and etc…with our new names. I know…cheesy. lol)
I dunno. Something about Usher irked me, yet something about him made me smile when he wasn’t looking.
As we walked through underground, he began thanking me for allowing him to spend time with me. He began to explain his current situation and how he was recently divorced and moved from Kentucky to Atlanta two weeks prior to starting at ACS. He began to explain to me how he knows how it must look for a 30yr. old to not have a car, phone, etc… but he assured me that though he’s having to rebuild everything he worked so hard for in Kentucky, it won’t be long before he’ll be able to be a suitable enough date for me.
I smiled as I thought to myself… “I always get the men with the sob stories”. I felt mean for thinking that. I mean, it’s not all his fault he’s finding himself starting over at 30. Divorce can do that to you. But at the same time, this seems to be the story of my dating life. *shrug*
Well I wasn’t trying to date him anyways, so I smiled and softened a little bit though. At least I know WHY he was without, and that this was just a temporary state, not a place he’s been for 2-3 years. So we talked more and I left.
I still didn’t like him too tough, but at least it wasn’t as horrible as I thought.
The following Monday after lunch, I find a red heartshaped balloon tied to my chair. The note attached to it read:
Dearest Sway,
Thanks for a wonderful Saturday. Hopefully I’ll be the one to make you finally Exhale.
678-***-****
Officer Usher
“So he has a new phone.” I thought. Hmmmm. Maybe I’ll give him a call one day. *shrug*
Next blog- The showdown: Why dating a co-worker could lead to some drama…
*READ HERE ABOUT SECURITY GUARD*
What can I say, he kinda snuck up on me. If you would have told me in February that I’d actually like and want to spend my free time with the likes of him I would have probably laughed in your face. HARD.
It’s always been like that with me for the most part. The guys that I took one look at and was like, “he GOTTA be mine”, I end up getting to know and then realize how much I’m not feeling him. And the guys that I take one look at and be like “Something about him annoys me”, are the very ones that I end up getting closer to and really being cool with. Such is the case now.
I’m trying to figure out where to start… I guess the beginning won't hurt huh?
I should first start by changing his name from security guard to Usher, since he no longer works as a security guard here…and since as much as I despise Usher, the security guard actually favors him…A LOT. They got the same big ole head, same hair cut, same nose. Everything. Although security guard is taller than Usher and without the 6pack. lol It’s amazing how I can not be attracted to usher AT.ALL. But really dig the security guard. I guess personality really does change a person’s appearance for me.
Anywho…the security guard will now be referred to as Usher.
As I told you guys before, he and I used to flirt a lot when I dropped off my radio at the front desk each afternoon. I never planned to look into it anymore than it was… office eye candy. But soon he started coming to my desk 2-3 times a day, and calling me on my office phone. Ugh! I hated that. I though he was trying too hard. I had already told him that I wasn’t interested in anything but friendship. I was fresh out of a bad breakup and I was in no mood entertain the idea of starting something new. But Usher was persistent. He practically begged me for a date. I don’t wanna make it seem like he was a punk cuz he was real cool about it, but the brutha was NOT taking no for an answer. I finally gave in and we set our first date for the 3rd saturday in February. He told me that he got off work at 3 and asked if I minded picking him up since he was currently car-less.
Carless? Um… hmmm. I might be wrong, but I’ve never dated someone with out a car. Or a phone. Oh yeah…didn’t I mention that? If you read that last post about him, he actually didn’t have a phone # to give to me. *smh* I was liking him less and less. It’s probably shallow huh? I’m supposed to look inside at who he is and not what he has right? um…no. Been there…done that. The older I get, the more I realize that I date to find a life partner, and it’s gonna take more than a good personality for us to get through life comfortably. Anywho, I digress. I told him okay since I had already agreed to go and that was that.
I picked him up at work one Saturday afternoon and we went to chili’s for what I call a “lunch and learn”. I was still NOT feeling him. He was cool, but something about him just irked me. I guess I was used to how TG and I interacted and Usher was soooooo different. I didn’t like it. I wasn’t ready to date. In fact, the more I sat there, the more I realized how much I wasn’t ready for this. After lunch I asked him where he would like to be dropped off. I don’t think he liked that too tough. lol He thought we were spending the entire day together. I was tired of him though. So we sat in the car for 5 minutes as he pleaded with me to go to underground with him for a little while, and then I could leave. I sighed and said okay.
Weird as it sounds, once we got there, I actually had fun with him. He bought us these key chains with our respective birthdates/sign on them. It was small, but I’m sentimental like that… I still have the “Jane” key chain my high school boyfriend bought me. (we used to joke about how our names were so different that we’d never find anything with our name on it. So we “changed” our name to Jim and Jane and bought key chains, necklaces, cards and etc…with our new names. I know…cheesy. lol)
I dunno. Something about Usher irked me, yet something about him made me smile when he wasn’t looking.
As we walked through underground, he began thanking me for allowing him to spend time with me. He began to explain his current situation and how he was recently divorced and moved from Kentucky to Atlanta two weeks prior to starting at ACS. He began to explain to me how he knows how it must look for a 30yr. old to not have a car, phone, etc… but he assured me that though he’s having to rebuild everything he worked so hard for in Kentucky, it won’t be long before he’ll be able to be a suitable enough date for me.
I smiled as I thought to myself… “I always get the men with the sob stories”. I felt mean for thinking that. I mean, it’s not all his fault he’s finding himself starting over at 30. Divorce can do that to you. But at the same time, this seems to be the story of my dating life. *shrug*
Well I wasn’t trying to date him anyways, so I smiled and softened a little bit though. At least I know WHY he was without, and that this was just a temporary state, not a place he’s been for 2-3 years. So we talked more and I left.
I still didn’t like him too tough, but at least it wasn’t as horrible as I thought.
The following Monday after lunch, I find a red heartshaped balloon tied to my chair. The note attached to it read:
Dearest Sway,
Thanks for a wonderful Saturday. Hopefully I’ll be the one to make you finally Exhale.
678-***-****
Officer Usher
“So he has a new phone.” I thought. Hmmmm. Maybe I’ll give him a call one day. *shrug*
Next blog- The showdown: Why dating a co-worker could lead to some drama…
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