Nothing my cousin does surprises me much. Born 8 months apart, she and I grew up together like sisters… sometimes sharing the same bed, clothes, and food (by choice). She and I were like two peas in a pod. Getting matching EVERYTHING. Unfortunately as I have written before, (here) our family kinda forced us into rivalry…which put her into competition mode…and thus beginning our 7 year long relationship haitus. In 2002, we set aside our differences, told our family to kiss off…and became thick as thieves once again. There have been questionable things that have happened within these last few years that I’ve shared with only my best friends about something she’s done or said. And they all agreed that many of those things she does/says is WIERD. RP, my ex fiancé/good friend thinks that my cousin really wants to have sex with me and if I ever give her the chance, she'd go for it. lol..
Actually, if I told you some of the things she’s done and weird conversations we’ve had, you might have to agree. I honestly think that if she wasn’t my cousin….i dunno…she might would try me. lol. Aaaanywho. I’m not quite sure how I got on this tangent…cuz it’s NOT my reason for writing … although I thought of her when I thought about this question. So…here goes.
One of my male coworkers just sent pics of his newborn baby via email to our department. We all went to my boss's desk (though we all had the pics) to view them b/c she was the first to open hers, and she was loud in expressing how CUTE the little baby boy was. Okay… There was one pic where my male co-worker’s wife was breast feeding. Normal right? We’ll I thought so. I guess I thought so because well…the aforementioned cousin breastfeeds in front of me…err and everyone else in the world with no hesitation. She has no problem whipping out a topper and ploppin it my baby cousin’s mouth. I mean yeah, the first time we were at Golden Buddha and she did that…I was like girl, WTH? Cover that ish up or something. Dang! But honestly, I’ve seen it from her so much…I’m desensitized. Now I’m wondering should I be. She does so many interesting things...that I don’t know what’s appropriate behavior and what’s not anymore. lol *smh*
Convo between my co-workers while viewing the breastfeeding pic...
AM- whoa! I’d be mad as hell if my husband sent this pic out.
VD- why? You can’t even see the nipple.
AM- so you need to see a nipple for it to be inappropriate.
VD- what’s inappropriate about breast feeding ? it’s natural.
RF- yeah, it’s natural alright. So is sex…but you don’t see me bringing pics of that do you?
Everybody laughs.
VD- okay…pics of you and Brian doggy style is not the same as seeing her breastfeeding her 3 day old baby.
AM- yeah, but still. Would you show a picture of your breast to someone? Even if your nipple is covered.
VD- well…I w
PT- *almost shouting…cuz that’s how she talks lol* I mean geez. c'mon! ya’ll acting like she is just shooting porn here… She’s feeding the freee-kin baybeh. She’s at home… and I’m sure Jay didn’t even realize we were gonna be ova here dicussing his wife’s tittie...geez. He was just caught up in the moment. Why ya’ll care. We all got titties. We’ve seen em before. Just go to the next damn picture.
AM- PT!!! okay…do you really gotta say tittie all loud
Everyone laughs.
Okay… question…Is breastfeeding in public…okay? Is it appropriate? Do you need to cover up?
Does seeing a breast with out seeing the nipple somehow void the fact that you really saw the breast ? Is it less....vulgar?
I really wanna know how you all feel about it.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Monday, March 28, 2005
Ummm... i dunno
(EDIT: OKAY...I was NO good for the rest of the day after reminiscing about ole Leroy. Come to find out...the NEWS clip I linked at the bottom of this post actually DOES have a little footage of his audition on american idol. YOU GOTTA WATCH IT. PUHLEEAAAASE watch it. It's great! Go to the link below where i say (read here) under my Leroy Wells bit...and then when you get to the article, you should see "watch this video" beside his pic. It's the news report...but it is STILL hilarious. END EDIT)
I wanted to write today. I wanted it so bad that… I wasted about 3 hours total of my day, typing about my weekend, what’s become of all the guys I pretty much cleaned out of my life, my masks, my thoughts on men who claim to hate gold diggers, but continuously boast about the money they have…and my sudden urge to become a truck driver. But…as I begin to type all of these random thoughts…others popped into my head and I realize maybe I shouldn’t try to incorporate all of these things into on big post because I doubt I’ll ever make it fit. So…here goes my perfectly chaotic thoughts for today.
~~~~~~~~~~
How do people find out that they have special talents? Like…what on earth would posess anyone to find out if they can balance a bike on their nose? Or find out that they squirt milk from their eyes, nose, or any OTHER orfice milk just shouldn’t be? I mean how do you even find out you can do that? How bored is too bored?
~~~~~~~~~~
Speaking of bored…my activity-deficient co-workers and I were chatting over pizza last week about schizophrenia, mother-daughter relationships, childbirth and other things that bored, boring women (I did mention I work in the research field right? So erry one here pretty much has a higher degree in psyc, bio, or public health lol) talk about before gossiping and getting too personal with one another…and one of my co-workers mentioned this article. (PLEASE READ IT!!) http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/3011241.stm Okay….so after hearing about that…the first thing that came to my mind is… W.T.F??? Neeeeegro are you for real? It disturbed me so bad that I couldn’t even finish my cheese and pepperoni pizza. I just sat there…with my mouth wide open…cheese and pepperoni justa dangling from my mouth… thinking… How can this be? How is that possible? So…does she have 2 menstrual cycles? Are the babies by the same person? I mean, she conceivably could have had sex with two different men within the same month and gotten pregnant by both. It was too much. I’ve been thinking about that since the convo.
~~~~~~~~~~
I don’t know why I’m actually very attracted to HIM but I am. Every Tuesday, I wait for him to come on…and something about his glasses just gets me going. Lol It’s the strangest thing. Lol. Nikko…is not all that cute. AT.ALL. But when I see him sanging his lil heart out on American idol (yeah I still watch that ish)… whew lawd… I actually be feeling ole dude. It’s the craziest thing. If I saw him on the street…I’d probably smile and keep it moving…but something ‘bout that man sangin. Whew. *smh*
~~~~~~~~~~
And speaking of A.I….. I doubt if anyone still watches it, but if ya’ll saw the auditions months ago…there was a young ghettofied, gold-teeth wearing, ragtopper by the name of Leroy “can ya dig it” Wells . Lemme tell you…that man should’ve been the next American idol. I would have voted for him just for the heck of it. lol I was in tears after seeing his audition. His rendition of “Baby I gotcha money” was priceless. lol. A few of my favorite line of his, “Simon, just get crunk and bob yo head like dis” and um… “ just let me know, is I’m is or is I’m ain’t going to Hollywood.”
DANG… I was trying to get the clip for you guys cuz Leroy was a MUST SEE. Oh lawd…I’m talking about that doggone boy had his CRUNK JUICE that morning. BUT I ran across this article about him… (read here)…and realized that NO ONE will have it anymore due to legal reasons. Aaaanywho… after seeing that ish…I got too tickled to remember what other randomness was on my mind earlier…so I’ll be back around later. Gone.
I wanted to write today. I wanted it so bad that… I wasted about 3 hours total of my day, typing about my weekend, what’s become of all the guys I pretty much cleaned out of my life, my masks, my thoughts on men who claim to hate gold diggers, but continuously boast about the money they have…and my sudden urge to become a truck driver. But…as I begin to type all of these random thoughts…others popped into my head and I realize maybe I shouldn’t try to incorporate all of these things into on big post because I doubt I’ll ever make it fit. So…here goes my perfectly chaotic thoughts for today.
~~~~~~~~~~
How do people find out that they have special talents? Like…what on earth would posess anyone to find out if they can balance a bike on their nose? Or find out that they squirt milk from their eyes, nose, or any OTHER orfice milk just shouldn’t be? I mean how do you even find out you can do that? How bored is too bored?
~~~~~~~~~~
Speaking of bored…my activity-deficient co-workers and I were chatting over pizza last week about schizophrenia, mother-daughter relationships, childbirth and other things that bored, boring women (I did mention I work in the research field right? So erry one here pretty much has a higher degree in psyc, bio, or public health lol) talk about before gossiping and getting too personal with one another…and one of my co-workers mentioned this article. (PLEASE READ IT!!) http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/3011241.stm Okay….so after hearing about that…the first thing that came to my mind is… W.T.F??? Neeeeegro are you for real? It disturbed me so bad that I couldn’t even finish my cheese and pepperoni pizza. I just sat there…with my mouth wide open…cheese and pepperoni justa dangling from my mouth… thinking… How can this be? How is that possible? So…does she have 2 menstrual cycles? Are the babies by the same person? I mean, she conceivably could have had sex with two different men within the same month and gotten pregnant by both. It was too much. I’ve been thinking about that since the convo.
~~~~~~~~~~
I don’t know why I’m actually very attracted to HIM but I am. Every Tuesday, I wait for him to come on…and something about his glasses just gets me going. Lol It’s the strangest thing. Lol. Nikko…is not all that cute. AT.ALL. But when I see him sanging his lil heart out on American idol (yeah I still watch that ish)… whew lawd… I actually be feeling ole dude. It’s the craziest thing. If I saw him on the street…I’d probably smile and keep it moving…but something ‘bout that man sangin. Whew. *smh*
~~~~~~~~~~
And speaking of A.I….. I doubt if anyone still watches it, but if ya’ll saw the auditions months ago…there was a young ghettofied, gold-teeth wearing, ragtopper by the name of Leroy “can ya dig it” Wells . Lemme tell you…that man should’ve been the next American idol. I would have voted for him just for the heck of it. lol I was in tears after seeing his audition. His rendition of “Baby I gotcha money” was priceless. lol. A few of my favorite line of his, “Simon, just get crunk and bob yo head like dis” and um… “ just let me know, is I’m is or is I’m ain’t going to Hollywood.”
DANG… I was trying to get the clip for you guys cuz Leroy was a MUST SEE. Oh lawd…I’m talking about that doggone boy had his CRUNK JUICE that morning. BUT I ran across this article about him… (read here)…and realized that NO ONE will have it anymore due to legal reasons. Aaaanywho… after seeing that ish…I got too tickled to remember what other randomness was on my mind earlier…so I’ll be back around later. Gone.
Friday, March 25, 2005
Stalker in BFlat (cont'd)
aight.... the story is much deeper and longer than this.... i mean, it went on for about 6 months...but for my fingers sake...here's the shorter, and less traumatic version.
Upon getting to his house… he asked me to sit tigh cuz he was gonna run in and get something. I agreed. About 4 minutes later, he came out with 2 elderly women.
Stalker: Sway, this is my aunt and my mom. The other two women in my life. Mom, Auntie, this is the one I was telling you about. She’s awesome.
Me: *thinking…OTHER two?…the ONE I was TELLING you about?* Oh… well it’s nice to meet you all… *feeling uncomfortable*
Mom and Aunt: *smiling and staring at me* She looks JUST like she should already be apart of the family.
Me: * thinking … huh? wth?* Well…err… I’mma go. I gotta a long drive ahead of me.
Stalker: Okay Sway, I’ll call you.
Me: Um…don’t. You don’t have to really, I’ll be fine.
I couldn’t sleep that night. I knew something was wrong. My intuiton told me that something was not quite right. So I purposed in my heart to with him about this uneasiness I felt the next time he called.
When he called a few days later, I answered the phone with the intent of getting to the bottom of all this googly eye contact, and sly comments he’d make about our non-existent relationship. However, when I said hello…I heard sobs. Was this man crying?
"I had to rush mom to the hospital" he said between snobs.
She was having a seizure and a few hours later, she was in a coma. He said that he didn’t know who else to call because he never wanted anyone to see him like that. This man was a pretty well known producer in the industry and all that know him, know him to be very strong. But what I saw was a broken man. So, being true to my name (I’ll explain my name’s meaning in another post) I began to comfort him. I prayed with him, I spoke words of life and peace over him and his mother. I was there for him. I let him pour out his heart to me. That’s what I do. That’s what I’m about. I never knew that he’d take it for more than that.
I’ve been told by many people that I have a special gift for making people feel special. I don’t know how I do it…but I manage to do it. The problem is that… some people… well, they really aren’t all that special to me. And that’s where most of my problems occur.
I led him on. I spoke to him like a wife. I spoke to him like a soulmate… well at least that’s what HE claimed a month later while breaking the restraining order I had on him.
Why did I get a restraining order?
Well… the week that his mom was in the hospital, I guess I crippled him. I’d call him to see how they were doing. I soothed him by talking with him, reading the word to him, speaking into him. I built him up. (his words) I was always there. And he fell even harder for me. He started telling me that God told him that I was his wife. *smh*
He honestly thought that because I was there for him in his vulnerable state and because I understood him, that we were supposed to be together. But it wasn’t so… I was just trying to be a friend. And when his mom DID get well…and I stopped the daily calls and went on with my life. He didn’t handle that too well.
In his mind, we had bonded. In his mind, he HAD to get us back to the way we were.
It got to the point where he’d call and express his feelings for me, and though I felt bad because I DEFINITELY didn’t feel that way, I gave it to him straight and to the point. But his motto was… persistence is progressive. He’d tell me how much he loved me and needed me and he put himself out there to the MAX…only to be hung up on because I kept saying to him, I gotta go. I can't take a whining man. Especially after i've expressed to you my LACK of feelings for you.
He started call at 2 and 3 in the morning. I'd pick up, curse him out, hang up. He kept calling and calling...so I started ignoring him. I figured he’d finally get the message and go on about his business. *smh* Nope. People lemme tell ya… *leaning in and whispering* Sometimes…ignoring someone DOESN’T WORK. He called 4 more times before I put my ringer on silent. When I woke up the next morning, he’d called a total of 18 times. Each time, he left a message. Dude was talking mad crazy! He scared me. Not in the, “imma kill you” way…but in the “he might die from heartbreak if he doesn’t talk to me” way. He cut himself. He'd take sleeping pills cuz he couldn't sleep without talking to me. He didn't eat and had to be hospitalized and of COURSE he blamed me. *sigh* He was obsessed. The final draw was when I went out on a date with this guy I had been seeing for a couple of weeks and I happened to look at my phone (since I always silence my phone on dates…it’s just curteous) and this man had called me 41 times within the one hour. 41 times!!! Lemme say that again... FORTY-ONE friggin times. Do you know how incredibly crazy that is to look at your phone and see 41 missed calls KNOWING you've only been out for an hour at that time...and then look at recieved calls to be greeted by....ONE FRIGGIN NUMBER??? That ISH affected me. I was AFFECTED. I was no good for the rest of the night. I couldn’t take it. No more being nice.
I told my friends. They all agreed I should drop the project…and cease all contact with him. So I called him up and told him just that. The next day, he was at MY DESK on MY JOB. WTH? My heart jumped as I walked around the corner to see him sitting there…going through my stuff. I had mentioned that I work at Kaiser in one of our earlier convos. But for him to know which one…and what building…what floor…and what desk too...man, that took a lot of research, scheming, and neuroticism. Apparently the security guard at the front desk was under the impression that he was my fiancé. (YES YA”LL he done told ole girl that we were engaged to be married and CONVINCED her that I was the one who was trippin and crazy!!)
This man had people on my job believing that he was my true love and that our relationship was on the rocks because I was doing him soooooo wrong. I mean, I had women up there talking about… "Girl, you need to stop trippin and hold on to him. He’s a good man." WTH? Negro, this man is stalking me!
So quite naturally when I called security on him and she came up there…she was all smacking her teeth like “ Well…I know this is wrong, *talking to him* but I’m gonna have to ask you to leave”…then glaring at me with her evil eyes. Like I did something wrong!
So what happened… that doggone man went outside and waited for me. He waited for me from that morning until lunch time! When I came out of the bldg to go to lunch, he RAN to me….got on one knee and proposed. In front of everyone. See...where I worked was in the exective bldgs of Kaiser Permanente. There were four large glass bldgs that formed this plaza. In the middle of all four bldgs was the "common grounds" where everyone went from one bldg to another, or sat in the garden and ate...or just communed for whatever reason. He sat his behind there all friggin morning and thought of how to EMBARASS the mess outta me. I was sooooo embarrased. People were all looking at us...saying awwwww...like this was romantic or something. I'm trying to get him off my leg and hurry to my car. It was a mess. Ya’ll when I tell you that man worried me so much that my HAIR started falling out…I am serious. I’m giving you guys the quick version (even though it doesn’t seem quick) Soooo much more happened…but I’ll hit the highlights.
He’d show up at my place, my church, my job, and I SWEAR I see him from time to time when I’m just out and about. And everytime he showed up, he’d make a scene. One day he’s proposing, one day he’s serenading me, one day he’s cutting my name in his arm. He was CRAZY. He’d be sitting outside my door crying sometimes when I got off work. It was amazing how smart this man was… he knew all of our schedule…he watched us closely. He had too…cuz he was only there when he knew I’d be home alone. It just got CRAZY. He harassed me at my job so much that I quit. I blocked his number. I threatened to go to the police. EVERYTHING. He still couldn’t stay away. So I got the restraining order. I didn’t see him for a week after that. Then the next week… I saw him watching me from my house. I called the police. Since that day, I haven’t seen him. But you better believe…I’m always looking over my shoulder.
Upon getting to his house… he asked me to sit tigh cuz he was gonna run in and get something. I agreed. About 4 minutes later, he came out with 2 elderly women.
Stalker: Sway, this is my aunt and my mom. The other two women in my life. Mom, Auntie, this is the one I was telling you about. She’s awesome.
Me: *thinking…OTHER two?…the ONE I was TELLING you about?* Oh… well it’s nice to meet you all… *feeling uncomfortable*
Mom and Aunt: *smiling and staring at me* She looks JUST like she should already be apart of the family.
Me: * thinking … huh? wth?* Well…err… I’mma go. I gotta a long drive ahead of me.
Stalker: Okay Sway, I’ll call you.
Me: Um…don’t. You don’t have to really, I’ll be fine.
I couldn’t sleep that night. I knew something was wrong. My intuiton told me that something was not quite right. So I purposed in my heart to with him about this uneasiness I felt the next time he called.
When he called a few days later, I answered the phone with the intent of getting to the bottom of all this googly eye contact, and sly comments he’d make about our non-existent relationship. However, when I said hello…I heard sobs. Was this man crying?
"I had to rush mom to the hospital" he said between snobs.
She was having a seizure and a few hours later, she was in a coma. He said that he didn’t know who else to call because he never wanted anyone to see him like that. This man was a pretty well known producer in the industry and all that know him, know him to be very strong. But what I saw was a broken man. So, being true to my name (I’ll explain my name’s meaning in another post) I began to comfort him. I prayed with him, I spoke words of life and peace over him and his mother. I was there for him. I let him pour out his heart to me. That’s what I do. That’s what I’m about. I never knew that he’d take it for more than that.
I’ve been told by many people that I have a special gift for making people feel special. I don’t know how I do it…but I manage to do it. The problem is that… some people… well, they really aren’t all that special to me. And that’s where most of my problems occur.
I led him on. I spoke to him like a wife. I spoke to him like a soulmate… well at least that’s what HE claimed a month later while breaking the restraining order I had on him.
Why did I get a restraining order?
Well… the week that his mom was in the hospital, I guess I crippled him. I’d call him to see how they were doing. I soothed him by talking with him, reading the word to him, speaking into him. I built him up. (his words) I was always there. And he fell even harder for me. He started telling me that God told him that I was his wife. *smh*
He honestly thought that because I was there for him in his vulnerable state and because I understood him, that we were supposed to be together. But it wasn’t so… I was just trying to be a friend. And when his mom DID get well…and I stopped the daily calls and went on with my life. He didn’t handle that too well.
In his mind, we had bonded. In his mind, he HAD to get us back to the way we were.
It got to the point where he’d call and express his feelings for me, and though I felt bad because I DEFINITELY didn’t feel that way, I gave it to him straight and to the point. But his motto was… persistence is progressive. He’d tell me how much he loved me and needed me and he put himself out there to the MAX…only to be hung up on because I kept saying to him, I gotta go. I can't take a whining man. Especially after i've expressed to you my LACK of feelings for you.
He started call at 2 and 3 in the morning. I'd pick up, curse him out, hang up. He kept calling and calling...so I started ignoring him. I figured he’d finally get the message and go on about his business. *smh* Nope. People lemme tell ya… *leaning in and whispering* Sometimes…ignoring someone DOESN’T WORK. He called 4 more times before I put my ringer on silent. When I woke up the next morning, he’d called a total of 18 times. Each time, he left a message. Dude was talking mad crazy! He scared me. Not in the, “imma kill you” way…but in the “he might die from heartbreak if he doesn’t talk to me” way. He cut himself. He'd take sleeping pills cuz he couldn't sleep without talking to me. He didn't eat and had to be hospitalized and of COURSE he blamed me. *sigh* He was obsessed. The final draw was when I went out on a date with this guy I had been seeing for a couple of weeks and I happened to look at my phone (since I always silence my phone on dates…it’s just curteous) and this man had called me 41 times within the one hour. 41 times!!! Lemme say that again... FORTY-ONE friggin times. Do you know how incredibly crazy that is to look at your phone and see 41 missed calls KNOWING you've only been out for an hour at that time...and then look at recieved calls to be greeted by....ONE FRIGGIN NUMBER??? That ISH affected me. I was AFFECTED. I was no good for the rest of the night. I couldn’t take it. No more being nice.
I told my friends. They all agreed I should drop the project…and cease all contact with him. So I called him up and told him just that. The next day, he was at MY DESK on MY JOB. WTH? My heart jumped as I walked around the corner to see him sitting there…going through my stuff. I had mentioned that I work at Kaiser in one of our earlier convos. But for him to know which one…and what building…what floor…and what desk too...man, that took a lot of research, scheming, and neuroticism. Apparently the security guard at the front desk was under the impression that he was my fiancé. (YES YA”LL he done told ole girl that we were engaged to be married and CONVINCED her that I was the one who was trippin and crazy!!)
This man had people on my job believing that he was my true love and that our relationship was on the rocks because I was doing him soooooo wrong. I mean, I had women up there talking about… "Girl, you need to stop trippin and hold on to him. He’s a good man." WTH? Negro, this man is stalking me!
So quite naturally when I called security on him and she came up there…she was all smacking her teeth like “ Well…I know this is wrong, *talking to him* but I’m gonna have to ask you to leave”…then glaring at me with her evil eyes. Like I did something wrong!
So what happened… that doggone man went outside and waited for me. He waited for me from that morning until lunch time! When I came out of the bldg to go to lunch, he RAN to me….got on one knee and proposed. In front of everyone. See...where I worked was in the exective bldgs of Kaiser Permanente. There were four large glass bldgs that formed this plaza. In the middle of all four bldgs was the "common grounds" where everyone went from one bldg to another, or sat in the garden and ate...or just communed for whatever reason. He sat his behind there all friggin morning and thought of how to EMBARASS the mess outta me. I was sooooo embarrased. People were all looking at us...saying awwwww...like this was romantic or something. I'm trying to get him off my leg and hurry to my car. It was a mess. Ya’ll when I tell you that man worried me so much that my HAIR started falling out…I am serious. I’m giving you guys the quick version (even though it doesn’t seem quick) Soooo much more happened…but I’ll hit the highlights.
He’d show up at my place, my church, my job, and I SWEAR I see him from time to time when I’m just out and about. And everytime he showed up, he’d make a scene. One day he’s proposing, one day he’s serenading me, one day he’s cutting my name in his arm. He was CRAZY. He’d be sitting outside my door crying sometimes when I got off work. It was amazing how smart this man was… he knew all of our schedule…he watched us closely. He had too…cuz he was only there when he knew I’d be home alone. It just got CRAZY. He harassed me at my job so much that I quit. I blocked his number. I threatened to go to the police. EVERYTHING. He still couldn’t stay away. So I got the restraining order. I didn’t see him for a week after that. Then the next week… I saw him watching me from my house. I called the police. Since that day, I haven’t seen him. But you better believe…I’m always looking over my shoulder.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
FYI
As you all know, I've been pondering creating another blog. Well I'm no longer doing that. lol. Shoot... don't look at me like that... (no really, stop.) It's hard enough keeping up with the three I have now. And trying to remember another password and blah blah blah... whatever,* rolling my eyes* that's for the birds. lol
Soooooooo. What i decided to do is to just take one of the blogs that I haven't written anything in for a few months now, and rename and redesigned it...and voila! A new blog! (aside from the crazy ramblings that's already there) From now on, that blog will be my spiritual growth blog. It's called "My Metamorphosis" (The link is on the sidebar) and I hope you enjoy.
Soooooooo. What i decided to do is to just take one of the blogs that I haven't written anything in for a few months now, and rename and redesigned it...and voila! A new blog! (aside from the crazy ramblings that's already there) From now on, that blog will be my spiritual growth blog. It's called "My Metamorphosis" (The link is on the sidebar) and I hope you enjoy.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Stalker in B flat
A P.I.M.P. ( peek into my past).....
There were many signs. Red Flags! Flashing lights. But I didn’t pay them any attention.
I really want to say that I got caught up…… I was vulnerable…… I was attention deprived……I was insecure and needy. I was 22. He was 38. But while all that may be true… there’s no excuse. I was just naïve. Too naïve. I didn’t realize how much my compassion for others could actually put my own life in danger.
“Opportunity only knocks once” I would hear people say about once or twice a week. I’d shake my head and say, “yes, sir (or ma’am), I know.” And politely excuse myself to a quiet place and sip on a saucer of soothing peppermint tea to rest my overused vocal chords.
My entire life I’ve been singing. From the time I was 3, every idle moment of my life has been spent mindlessly singing some tune I probably heard on the radio minutes before. Singing is my heart. It’s my passion. So I guess was hard for people to grasp reality which was that I was perfectly okay singing at small gigs like weddings or church services…or doing back-up for various artist instead of trying my hand at my own solo career. I’ve been performing all over the place since I was about 10 and have had more offers than I care to recall to sign to labels, work with producers and songwriters and begin my career. But yet… I always politely refused. I always said that I wasn't ready, but I'd look them up when I was. Why..you ask? Because I HATED the BIZNASS side of singing. *still do really* The music industry is crazy! It’s definitely a dog eat dog world out there. And I’ve never been dumb. I’ve watched True Hollywood story on E! I see what happens to some of the folks who get screwed over. Plus, I don’t consider myself a particularly saavy busness person. Sure, I know some thangs…but I would never sit here and act as if I could go up in the record company and run thangs on the biznass side like Ray did. So instead of getting screwed…or caught up in all the drama of music. I figured I’d just stick to the poorer…but purer side of music.
Well…about July of 2002 I had a change of heart. My failed relationship with my ex-fiance, my recent graduation from college and jobless status, and my accruing student loans all started me to thinking about taking a chance on the unknown. I needed money. I needed a change. I needed to do something that made me happy. So I told myself that the NEXT opportunity to jump start my career I’d take.
That decision changed my life forever. Hindsight really IS 20/20. Gaaahlee. If only I paid attention to the red flags. *smh*
christmas day
Church parking lot
Trey: whuddup sis?
Me: Treeeeeeeeeey! *hugging him and smiling*
Trey: Hey, I-I-I-I- got a proposition for you? (he stutters when he’s excited. lol)
Me: Oh yeah? What’s da deal?
Trey: W-w-well… I know you were telling me a few months back that you gonna gone and try to do this sangin thang.
Me: Yeah man, I got to now. I think I’m finally ready.
Trey: Aight well um, yeah, I met this man who’s been in the game for a minute now. He’s worked with some real big artist. He said he just moved back to the A and is looking for some fresh talent.
Me: For real?
Trey: Y-y-yeah. I told ‘em ‘bout you. He ask me who you sound like…and I-I-I-I said you don’t sound like anybody. You got a style all your own. So he asked me for your number. But I told him I’d check with you first.
Me: *hyped* Okay Okay! Yeah definitely. I gotta see what he talking ‘bout cuz you KNOW I’m only trying to sing gospel. You told’em that right?
Trey: Yeah girl, you know I got yo back. Aight. I’mma talk to him tomorrow, so he should be calling soon.
Me: Good looking out bro. *hug* Aight I’ll holla atcha Sunday.
Trey: aight
And so… the nightmare begin.
Stalker called me a few days later and we immediately clicked. Him trying to impress me with the people he’s worked with, wrote songs for, and yada yada yada. Me trying to impress him with my knowledge of music, my voice, and my strong desire to sing. He was definitely talking right. He gave me his testimony of how God changed him and took him out of the R&B industry to start his ministry in Contemporary Gospel. He sounded focused. He had a vision. He was professional. And best of all… He LOVED my voice. He planned to have our first practice and studio visit in a month. He said he had 3 additional singers and Trey, (who was a lyricist/rapper). After discussing business and our lives for about an hour, he ended the conversation with, okay, I’ll speak with you tomorrow. *blink,blink* Huh? Why do we need to speak tomorrow?
Of course I wasn’t thinking that then, I was too excited to finally be getting on the right track. I said okay and hung up. As promised, he called me the next day….and the next, and the next. Our conversation was just that good. We often spoke about life, about songs, about the ministry, about God and etc. It was perfectly harmless…so I thought. The flags were there… I just didn’t notice. For 3 weeks this man called me everyday, week after week our conversation delving more an more into our personal lives. Until finally, the first flashing light came.
Stalker: So Sway, tell me, what is a beautiful woman like you doing being single?
Me: *flattered- it’s been a long time since someone had called me beautiful* Well…I got out of a very traumatic relationship last year and I’m just not ready to go down that road again.
Stalker: Well I’ll be honest with you, whoever gets to be your husband is a very lucky man.
Me: Thanks…… *all of a sudden hitting me* Wait…err….how do you know I’m beautiful? *he and I never met. We only talked via phone. Our first meeting wouldn’t be for another week.*
Stalker: Well after engaging in so many wonderful conversations with you, I was curious, so I asked Trey what you looked like. After his description of you, I HAD to see you. So I begged him to show me a picture. Man…you’re beeuuuuutiful. *flashing lights, flashing lights*
Me: *stupid* Thanks. *blushing*
And so our conversations continued. He’d compliment me on everything! My voice, my opinions, my zeal for God, my looks, my maturity at 22....it didn't matter. He noticed and remembered EVERYTHING i said. And I’d blush and be excited about someone actually “getting” me.
He was already smitten and we never even met.
Feb 2nd…Studio…8pm.
Stalker obviously favored me more than the others. He had written 14 songs already and 6 of them required a "lead soloist". Of those 6, 4 of them he wanted me to lead. And ONE SONG he wrote SPECIFICALLY for me. I knew then that he was feeling me. Okay...you KNOW when someone is feeling you. You just get that vibe. Trey wasn’t at practice that night… so I felt a little uncomfortable being there with him and the other singers. The other 2 girls were nosebleeds...and it got worse once he announced that I would be the "featured soloist".
Sidenote:
*Nosebleed (n.)– a person whose so into themselves /stuck on themselves that they position their head HIGH in the air as would someone who is desperately trying to stop a .......yup, nosebleed.*
After recording, he asked me if I would take him home. He claimed that during his move, he lost everything....including his car. Being the kinda woman I was, I cheerfully said sure and took him home. Upon getting there… he asked me to sit tight…he was gonna run in and get something. I agreed. I wasn’t prepared for what happened next…
To be continued…
There were many signs. Red Flags! Flashing lights. But I didn’t pay them any attention.
I really want to say that I got caught up…… I was vulnerable…… I was attention deprived……I was insecure and needy. I was 22. He was 38. But while all that may be true… there’s no excuse. I was just naïve. Too naïve. I didn’t realize how much my compassion for others could actually put my own life in danger.
“Opportunity only knocks once” I would hear people say about once or twice a week. I’d shake my head and say, “yes, sir (or ma’am), I know.” And politely excuse myself to a quiet place and sip on a saucer of soothing peppermint tea to rest my overused vocal chords.
My entire life I’ve been singing. From the time I was 3, every idle moment of my life has been spent mindlessly singing some tune I probably heard on the radio minutes before. Singing is my heart. It’s my passion. So I guess was hard for people to grasp reality which was that I was perfectly okay singing at small gigs like weddings or church services…or doing back-up for various artist instead of trying my hand at my own solo career. I’ve been performing all over the place since I was about 10 and have had more offers than I care to recall to sign to labels, work with producers and songwriters and begin my career. But yet… I always politely refused. I always said that I wasn't ready, but I'd look them up when I was. Why..you ask? Because I HATED the BIZNASS side of singing. *still do really* The music industry is crazy! It’s definitely a dog eat dog world out there. And I’ve never been dumb. I’ve watched True Hollywood story on E! I see what happens to some of the folks who get screwed over. Plus, I don’t consider myself a particularly saavy busness person. Sure, I know some thangs…but I would never sit here and act as if I could go up in the record company and run thangs on the biznass side like Ray did. So instead of getting screwed…or caught up in all the drama of music. I figured I’d just stick to the poorer…but purer side of music.
Well…about July of 2002 I had a change of heart. My failed relationship with my ex-fiance, my recent graduation from college and jobless status, and my accruing student loans all started me to thinking about taking a chance on the unknown. I needed money. I needed a change. I needed to do something that made me happy. So I told myself that the NEXT opportunity to jump start my career I’d take.
That decision changed my life forever. Hindsight really IS 20/20. Gaaahlee. If only I paid attention to the red flags. *smh*
christmas day
Church parking lot
Trey: whuddup sis?
Me: Treeeeeeeeeey! *hugging him and smiling*
Trey: Hey, I-I-I-I- got a proposition for you? (he stutters when he’s excited. lol)
Me: Oh yeah? What’s da deal?
Trey: W-w-well… I know you were telling me a few months back that you gonna gone and try to do this sangin thang.
Me: Yeah man, I got to now. I think I’m finally ready.
Trey: Aight well um, yeah, I met this man who’s been in the game for a minute now. He’s worked with some real big artist. He said he just moved back to the A and is looking for some fresh talent.
Me: For real?
Trey: Y-y-yeah. I told ‘em ‘bout you. He ask me who you sound like…and I-I-I-I said you don’t sound like anybody. You got a style all your own. So he asked me for your number. But I told him I’d check with you first.
Me: *hyped* Okay Okay! Yeah definitely. I gotta see what he talking ‘bout cuz you KNOW I’m only trying to sing gospel. You told’em that right?
Trey: Yeah girl, you know I got yo back. Aight. I’mma talk to him tomorrow, so he should be calling soon.
Me: Good looking out bro. *hug* Aight I’ll holla atcha Sunday.
Trey: aight
And so… the nightmare begin.
Stalker called me a few days later and we immediately clicked. Him trying to impress me with the people he’s worked with, wrote songs for, and yada yada yada. Me trying to impress him with my knowledge of music, my voice, and my strong desire to sing. He was definitely talking right. He gave me his testimony of how God changed him and took him out of the R&B industry to start his ministry in Contemporary Gospel. He sounded focused. He had a vision. He was professional. And best of all… He LOVED my voice. He planned to have our first practice and studio visit in a month. He said he had 3 additional singers and Trey, (who was a lyricist/rapper). After discussing business and our lives for about an hour, he ended the conversation with, okay, I’ll speak with you tomorrow. *blink,blink* Huh? Why do we need to speak tomorrow?
Of course I wasn’t thinking that then, I was too excited to finally be getting on the right track. I said okay and hung up. As promised, he called me the next day….and the next, and the next. Our conversation was just that good. We often spoke about life, about songs, about the ministry, about God and etc. It was perfectly harmless…so I thought. The flags were there… I just didn’t notice. For 3 weeks this man called me everyday, week after week our conversation delving more an more into our personal lives. Until finally, the first flashing light came.
Stalker: So Sway, tell me, what is a beautiful woman like you doing being single?
Me: *flattered- it’s been a long time since someone had called me beautiful* Well…I got out of a very traumatic relationship last year and I’m just not ready to go down that road again.
Stalker: Well I’ll be honest with you, whoever gets to be your husband is a very lucky man.
Me: Thanks…… *all of a sudden hitting me* Wait…err….how do you know I’m beautiful? *he and I never met. We only talked via phone. Our first meeting wouldn’t be for another week.*
Stalker: Well after engaging in so many wonderful conversations with you, I was curious, so I asked Trey what you looked like. After his description of you, I HAD to see you. So I begged him to show me a picture. Man…you’re beeuuuuutiful. *flashing lights, flashing lights*
Me: *stupid* Thanks. *blushing*
And so our conversations continued. He’d compliment me on everything! My voice, my opinions, my zeal for God, my looks, my maturity at 22....it didn't matter. He noticed and remembered EVERYTHING i said. And I’d blush and be excited about someone actually “getting” me.
He was already smitten and we never even met.
Feb 2nd…Studio…8pm.
Stalker obviously favored me more than the others. He had written 14 songs already and 6 of them required a "lead soloist". Of those 6, 4 of them he wanted me to lead. And ONE SONG he wrote SPECIFICALLY for me. I knew then that he was feeling me. Okay...you KNOW when someone is feeling you. You just get that vibe. Trey wasn’t at practice that night… so I felt a little uncomfortable being there with him and the other singers. The other 2 girls were nosebleeds...and it got worse once he announced that I would be the "featured soloist".
Sidenote:
*Nosebleed (n.)– a person whose so into themselves /stuck on themselves that they position their head HIGH in the air as would someone who is desperately trying to stop a .......yup, nosebleed.*
After recording, he asked me if I would take him home. He claimed that during his move, he lost everything....including his car. Being the kinda woman I was, I cheerfully said sure and took him home. Upon getting there… he asked me to sit tight…he was gonna run in and get something. I agreed. I wasn’t prepared for what happened next…
To be continued…
Monday, March 21, 2005
Thursday, March 17, 2005
I'm still in the cocoon...
Well as you probably can tell from my last few posts. My world has been dramatically changing. As I've stated earlier, I'm thinking about getting another blog to talk just about that. But now that I have so much to share on that end... I realize that I don't have as much to say here... lol
I'm sure that will change though. There's never a dull moment in my life. I'm sure after this high I'm on slowly plateaus...I'll be able to think of more things I'd like to talk about. Until then.....uh... just IM me. lol
Focus for the Week:
Romans 12:1-2
(1)I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. (meaning that's the LEAST we should do) (2)2And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
I'm sure that will change though. There's never a dull moment in my life. I'm sure after this high I'm on slowly plateaus...I'll be able to think of more things I'd like to talk about. Until then.....uh... just IM me. lol
Focus for the Week:
Romans 12:1-2
(1)I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. (meaning that's the LEAST we should do) (2)2And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
Fill all of me with you...
Have you ever had a meal that was sooooo good that though you were about to literally POP, but you just couldn't stop eating it? That's how I feel right about now. I am so full. I mean...unzip your pants, can't get up from your seat, stomach at it's largest capacity FULL. Since Wednesday night, I've been partaking in a spiritual feast. My ever present desire for meat and bread was fulfilled and that insatiable thirst i've had has been quenched. I have truly experienced the presence of God this week like never before. He has filled me up with sooo much of His goodness and His Spirit, I felt like I was gonna burst open. He has given me a real taste of what it means to have your "cup running over".
All weekend I haven't been able to talk about nothing but God. I mean, He's on my mind when I wake up and when I go to sleep. When I got to church and when I leave church. When I'm at work, in the car, in publix...it didn't matter. I couldn't stop talking about, talking to, and praising God. I mean, I've been on a Spiritual high! Forget cloud 9...i was on some...out-of-the-galaxy-type high. I've been so excited that nothing even phased me. By boss was acting crazy, my mind stayed on God, my money was lookin funny...but my mind still stayed on God. It was like... I couldn't even go to sleep at night because I was to busy talking to God. *lol* Like...I couldn't talk to Him when I got up or something. lol. I KNOW you can tell how SUPER CRUNK I am about this whole situation. I mean really, when was the last time you seen me post something on a Sunday? *insert jeopardy music* That's right...never! And honestly, I never thought I would. I am soooo ANTI-computers on the weekend. lol. But that's how much this thing is burning in my spirit. I had to pour out some of this goodness. I had to tell it. I had to get it out. Even though I know half ya'll could care less..and probably won't even understand what I'm talking about...I STILL had to get it out. I just couldn't keep it inside anymore.
I went to New Birth's "Single, but not Alone" conference this weekend. When I tell you that the anointing was there when I hit the parking lot, you better believe me. Oh my God! I wasn't even prepared for the blessings and deliverance I received from going. I wasn't too thrilled about going by myself because I wanted someone else to experience it with me. But I'm so glad I went alone. All my friends are married, engaged, or in long-term, committed relationships, so honestly none of them were really interested in going. Then there's my cousin, who's b-day fell on the thursday that the conference started and I really wanted her to go because I know she needed to be there just as much as I did. BUT...i didn't have enough money to register her too...and her situation is just...umph... i can't even go there... so anyways... I went alone.
I was kinda sad at first because I really wanted her to go. I was hoping that she could get what she needed from the conference...but I now understand why God wanted me to go alone. I would have been so worried about whether she's getting what she needed that I wouldn't have gotten what I needed. And God also revealed to me last night when I was sharing with her what I've learned, that my money would have been wasted because she's not ready to be delivered yet. All that good word and teaching would have fell on deaf ears with her. And in my attempt to get HER some help that she didn't want, I would have missed the desired help I NEEDED. Plus, I worship better when there are no distractions. I love my cousin to death, but everyone isn't on the same level...and i KNOW if she came, she'd be whispering something in my ear about what somebody got on...or how long is the the preacher gonna be up... or how cute this one is or that one is...and I would have been to distracted to even enjoy and receive what God was saying to me. That first night set the atmosphere for what I deem the greatest spiritual weekend of my life thusfar. And I wouldn't have traded that for anything!
Ya'll, I really want to talk about it all, but i'm still letting the Word permeate in my mind and heart. KJD started a separate journal a few months back about his walk with Christ. I thought it was a good idea then...and now, i'm finally catching the vision to do it myself. There's so much I feel compelled to share. So... I think I'm gonna create my 4th blog strictly dealing with my Spiritual Growth. (lol...ya'll didn't even know I had 3 already did ya?)
Alright...well, I gotta go. I've been going non-stop since last monday, so I'm heading to bed. Ya'll be blessed. Gone.
All weekend I haven't been able to talk about nothing but God. I mean, He's on my mind when I wake up and when I go to sleep. When I got to church and when I leave church. When I'm at work, in the car, in publix...it didn't matter. I couldn't stop talking about, talking to, and praising God. I mean, I've been on a Spiritual high! Forget cloud 9...i was on some...out-of-the-galaxy-type high. I've been so excited that nothing even phased me. By boss was acting crazy, my mind stayed on God, my money was lookin funny...but my mind still stayed on God. It was like... I couldn't even go to sleep at night because I was to busy talking to God. *lol* Like...I couldn't talk to Him when I got up or something. lol. I KNOW you can tell how SUPER CRUNK I am about this whole situation. I mean really, when was the last time you seen me post something on a Sunday? *insert jeopardy music* That's right...never! And honestly, I never thought I would. I am soooo ANTI-computers on the weekend. lol. But that's how much this thing is burning in my spirit. I had to pour out some of this goodness. I had to tell it. I had to get it out. Even though I know half ya'll could care less..and probably won't even understand what I'm talking about...I STILL had to get it out. I just couldn't keep it inside anymore.
I went to New Birth's "Single, but not Alone" conference this weekend. When I tell you that the anointing was there when I hit the parking lot, you better believe me. Oh my God! I wasn't even prepared for the blessings and deliverance I received from going. I wasn't too thrilled about going by myself because I wanted someone else to experience it with me. But I'm so glad I went alone. All my friends are married, engaged, or in long-term, committed relationships, so honestly none of them were really interested in going. Then there's my cousin, who's b-day fell on the thursday that the conference started and I really wanted her to go because I know she needed to be there just as much as I did. BUT...i didn't have enough money to register her too...and her situation is just...umph... i can't even go there... so anyways... I went alone.
I was kinda sad at first because I really wanted her to go. I was hoping that she could get what she needed from the conference...but I now understand why God wanted me to go alone. I would have been so worried about whether she's getting what she needed that I wouldn't have gotten what I needed. And God also revealed to me last night when I was sharing with her what I've learned, that my money would have been wasted because she's not ready to be delivered yet. All that good word and teaching would have fell on deaf ears with her. And in my attempt to get HER some help that she didn't want, I would have missed the desired help I NEEDED. Plus, I worship better when there are no distractions. I love my cousin to death, but everyone isn't on the same level...and i KNOW if she came, she'd be whispering something in my ear about what somebody got on...or how long is the the preacher gonna be up... or how cute this one is or that one is...and I would have been to distracted to even enjoy and receive what God was saying to me. That first night set the atmosphere for what I deem the greatest spiritual weekend of my life thusfar. And I wouldn't have traded that for anything!
Ya'll, I really want to talk about it all, but i'm still letting the Word permeate in my mind and heart. KJD started a separate journal a few months back about his walk with Christ. I thought it was a good idea then...and now, i'm finally catching the vision to do it myself. There's so much I feel compelled to share. So... I think I'm gonna create my 4th blog strictly dealing with my Spiritual Growth. (lol...ya'll didn't even know I had 3 already did ya?)
Alright...well, I gotta go. I've been going non-stop since last monday, so I'm heading to bed. Ya'll be blessed. Gone.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Things that make you go hmmmm...
Okay...so I miss Aresenio. lol.
- Why, oh why. Can somebody Puh-lease tell me why you need spinners on a TAXI???? I am SO for real. This morning while listening to my Isreal and New Breed CD, *click it for a sample* I stop at a red light and look to my right and see a taxi...just chillin......rims justa spinning. I was like WTH? Who DOES that? Why does a taxi need spinners? And then it wasn't even a new taxi...it was like...a 1982 taxi. You know the ones that just have TAXI written on it with a magic marker. I couldn't believe it. *smh*
-Why is it that when men are caught in a lie, they still LIE? I mean, it's like.... dude...you're caught...wth? And what really gets me is when they lie about stuff that doesn't even matter. WHY LIE?
alright...this is the scenario. During my "dating frenzie", I had this one guy that I would go out with on the regular. We never made it official or exclusive, but it was understood that we were dating. So one friday, he asks if I wanna go to the ESPN zone. I'm like...aight... so I go over to his apartment right after work since he literally lives 3 minutes away from my job. I knock on the door. He opens it. I walk in and he closes the door behind us and remains behind me.
Me: Hey
Him: Hey
His roomate: * looking at me with this HUGE grin on his face*... Hey
Me: *startled, cuz I didn't see him laying on the couch at first* Heeeeey. How are you? *walking toward the other couch to sit down*
His roomate: *still smiling and watching my EVERY friggin MOVE* I'm good. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! *he's excitedly shouting*
Me: *puzzled and now looking at him to see his expression as i quietly say* Thanks...but uh, it's not my birthday. My birthday is in July.
Him: *shook for a second, but quickly recovering his smile and trying to hide the fact that he messed up although I already knew he messed up.*
Uh....um...
*he quickly glances at my date, who's still behind me and who I didn't even bother to look at because I KNEW the roomate glanced back at my date like... "i thought you said it was ole girl's b-day today..." and i KNEW my date was prolly mouthing something to the degree of "NOT HER YOU IDIOT" to him...lol. Roomate looks back at me half giggling and half in amazement that he screwed up so dearly*
Roomate: Oh... my bad.
Me: Yup. *plopping down on the couch half smirking because I thought that the whole exchange was funny.*
Akward silence by all!!!
hahaha. So when my date and I got in his car to head to the ESPN Zone, I casually asked him whose birthday it really was. That was followed by his reply of "Uh.. oh...one of my HOMEBOYS".
WTH? Are you for real? Are you REALLY for real? Do I really LOOK that stupid? So your roomate mistook you saying today was your homeboy's birthday for saying that it was MY birthday? And that whole akward silence and slight confusion and giggle from your roomate was....... ??? *still waiting.................still.............waiting.................still????* mmmhmmm.. that's what i thought. And people wonder why I'm single. lol. If you can't be upfront and honest about some miniscule/minute ish that wouldn't have mattered one way or the other since we're not exclusively dating...WHY on EARTH would I want to ever be serious with you? *smh* again.
- Why does Michael Jackson look like Joan Crawford? Scary!
---> click here for Michael/Joan <------
- Why, oh why. Can somebody Puh-lease tell me why you need spinners on a TAXI???? I am SO for real. This morning while listening to my Isreal and New Breed CD, *click it for a sample* I stop at a red light and look to my right and see a taxi...just chillin......rims justa spinning. I was like WTH? Who DOES that? Why does a taxi need spinners? And then it wasn't even a new taxi...it was like...a 1982 taxi. You know the ones that just have TAXI written on it with a magic marker. I couldn't believe it. *smh*
-Why is it that when men are caught in a lie, they still LIE? I mean, it's like.... dude...you're caught...wth? And what really gets me is when they lie about stuff that doesn't even matter. WHY LIE?
alright...this is the scenario. During my "dating frenzie", I had this one guy that I would go out with on the regular. We never made it official or exclusive, but it was understood that we were dating. So one friday, he asks if I wanna go to the ESPN zone. I'm like...aight... so I go over to his apartment right after work since he literally lives 3 minutes away from my job. I knock on the door. He opens it. I walk in and he closes the door behind us and remains behind me.
Me: Hey
Him: Hey
His roomate: * looking at me with this HUGE grin on his face*... Hey
Me: *startled, cuz I didn't see him laying on the couch at first* Heeeeey. How are you? *walking toward the other couch to sit down*
His roomate: *still smiling and watching my EVERY friggin MOVE* I'm good. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! *he's excitedly shouting*
Me: *puzzled and now looking at him to see his expression as i quietly say* Thanks...but uh, it's not my birthday. My birthday is in July.
Him: *shook for a second, but quickly recovering his smile and trying to hide the fact that he messed up although I already knew he messed up.*
Uh....um...
*he quickly glances at my date, who's still behind me and who I didn't even bother to look at because I KNEW the roomate glanced back at my date like... "i thought you said it was ole girl's b-day today..." and i KNEW my date was prolly mouthing something to the degree of "NOT HER YOU IDIOT" to him...lol. Roomate looks back at me half giggling and half in amazement that he screwed up so dearly*
Roomate: Oh... my bad.
Me: Yup. *plopping down on the couch half smirking because I thought that the whole exchange was funny.*
Akward silence by all!!!
hahaha. So when my date and I got in his car to head to the ESPN Zone, I casually asked him whose birthday it really was. That was followed by his reply of "Uh.. oh...one of my HOMEBOYS".
WTH? Are you for real? Are you REALLY for real? Do I really LOOK that stupid? So your roomate mistook you saying today was your homeboy's birthday for saying that it was MY birthday? And that whole akward silence and slight confusion and giggle from your roomate was....... ??? *still waiting.................still.............waiting.................still????* mmmhmmm.. that's what i thought. And people wonder why I'm single. lol. If you can't be upfront and honest about some miniscule/minute ish that wouldn't have mattered one way or the other since we're not exclusively dating...WHY on EARTH would I want to ever be serious with you? *smh* again.
- Why does Michael Jackson look like Joan Crawford? Scary!
---> click here for Michael/Joan <------
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
If only I knew....
I was raped...
by a policeman.
At least that's what I was convinced of for a good 4 minutes this morning after waking up in a puddle of sweat and unusually fast breathing.
5:46am glared my stereo clock. I had a good 20 minutes before my usual wakeup routine began, but there was no way I was going back to sleep after that. I sat straight up in my bed. Surrounded by quietness, I wiped away the unfallen tears. This is not the first time I've dreamt about rape. Heck, this isn't the first time i've dreamt about my own rape. But somehow, this dream shook me up the most. I tried to calm down. As I slowly laid back down and pulled the covers tightly around my body, my frantic eyes gazing questionably in morning darkness... I began to re-live my nightmare.
I was happy. It was a nice summer night. I was with a nice young man whose real name I won't mention to keep down real-life drama. So, we'll just call him Londell. So anyways, Londell and I were dating and had been for quite sometime. And like other friday nights, we considered this "date night". We decided to go to Houston's which just so happen to be at the Marriott Hotel. *don't ask why, dreams are just like that*
Him: You gonna wear that?
Me: Yeah. *gazing menacingly at him* Why?
Him: Ummm....because your NOT an AKA.
Me: *Looking down at my bootleg AKA shirt* But I like it. *frowning* Besides...I doubt we'll see any AKA's tonight.
And even if we do, I got a jacket, I'll just hide it.
Him: *sigh* Alright let's go.
FYI
I have NO IDEA why I wanted to wear an AKA shirt. lol I've never really been big into sororities, which is why i never pledged anything. I will admit though...i did go through a phase about 5 years ago where I was really feeling the AKA jackets. hahaha. shoot, they were cute. lol. But i've never ever EVER thought of wearing one. So I have no idea what this is all about. Dreams are weird.
So we go to the Marriott and go into Houston's where there's an incredible wait...so we sit outside the restaurant...(but still inside the hotel) on a small bench... when Raven walks in. Raven was Londell's ex girlfriend. I knew that Raven and Londell still talked...and I was okay with that. However, I wasn't really all that comfortable around her. She was much older and bigger than I was and I always felt like somehow she tried to use that to her advantange when dealing with my man.
Raven: hey.... Londell? *she says jiggling her way over towards us*
Him: hey...HEY Raven! *hugs her* How are you?
Me: *swiftly closing my jean jacket to hide my AKA shirt. Did I mention that Raven is an AKA?*
Raven: Hey Sway *smiling...but not really happy to see me*
Me: * looking away* Hey.
Londell & Raven simultaneously: So what are you doing here?
*laughter*
Me: *eye rolling*
Londell: Well me and Sway was finna eat. *pointing at our Houston's seat waiting device*
Raven: Oh.. okay. Yeah.. I'm up here for the AKA conference. * pointing down by the foyer to the numerous pink and green shirts, hats, bags, etc. proudly worn by what seems like 50+ women.*
I became nervous and swiftly looked down at myself. My boobs were too big to fully close my jean jacket over the bright green AKA letters on my chest. I knew that Raven knew that I was not apart of their elite group. I knew she had seen it. Darn.
Suddenly not feeling so well, I got up and faced the restaurant as to turn my back on her and her friends.
...so why don't ya'll come say hi?
I heard her say. My eyes locked with Londell's. He looked at me as to say.. "I TOLD yo' silly behind not to wear that ish"
He saw my fear and declined her offer. She shrugged non-chalantly and said her farewells. As she trotted back to her friends. I felt relieved. Until I saw them all looking at me.
Minutes later, I saw them making their way towards us. I grab Londell's hand and said, "let's go... NOW!"
Before he could even ask "why?"... he saw the tight-faced girls walking briskly towards me.
"Ooo-oo-oo- okay, gotcha" He says sensing what was about to happen.
I was about to get my behind LIT! I'm too pretty for a beat down. I remember thinking.
We began walking toward the door, but before we could make it out, they surrounded me. He threw me the keys and told me to run and get in the car.
As I scrambled to pick up the dropped keys, they rushed me. Fortunately for me, my small frame was able to maneuver out of the pile of angry women and make a dash for the car. Londell was still behind me trying to hold off as many of the women as possible. I called to him to meet me down the street where I'd pick him up...and with that, I pushed the revolving doors and fled.
The night air was refreshing...sucking in all i could, i began jogging towards the parking lot. My heartbeat was slowly turning back to normal as I got farther away from the hotel. I crossed the street and walked briskly into the Publix parking lot. I'd never been so happy to see his car. I got in and saw him running out trying to find me. I crank up the car and hurriedly try to drive over to him. Then I remembered.... I can't drive a stick. Between jerks and cut offs, I'm slowly making my way down the steep parking lot when a policeman flashes his lights at me. I was fairly relieved because I knew that he'd be able to help us.
Police: Hey lady, got a problem here?
He said as he tapped his flashlight on my car door. He looked as if he was in his mid 30's. Smooth skin, Caucasian, very well built. His dark hair shined from his flashing lights behind me. I didn't think of it as weird that he had on sunglasses...at night. But maybe I should have.
Me: uh yes officer. Thank you. *sighing with relief* I can't drive a stick and I need you to help me. My boyfriend's down there *pointing towards the hotel* And I really need to get to him. Can you help me?
I found myself saying.
He looked at me with a broad smile said, "Well you've come to the right person, I can sure help you learn how to drive a stick."
And with that...he pushed me into the passenger seat and proceeded to tear off my AKA shirt. He didn't even bother to close the door. With one swift swoop, he pulled my legs towards his body and positioned himself on top of me. The stick shaft pierced my lower back as he forced himself on top of me and maneuvered my jeans off. My voice was muffled by his large shoulder blades. No one could hear me scream. I reached for my cell phone and screamed Londell's name to activate my voice command option. I had no signal. The policeman snatched the phone away from me and threw it behind him onto the ground. His devious smile scared me as he mouthed the words..."just let it happen".
I woke up to darkness. No cop. No cell phone. No Londell. No Raven. No AKA t-shirt. Nothing...but a fierce pain in my lower back.
I think I have trust issues.
That's the only thing I've came up with since this morning when I awoke from this dream. I've had numerous dreams about rape but only one other dream I can think of that disturbed me as much as this one... and it same basic elements: me being betrayed/raped by someone I think is going to help me.
That was the worst feeling about those dreams. Moreso than the actual rape itself. My heart literally drops while i'm sleeping when my dream takes the turn where I'm thinking someone is gonna help and then they turn on me. Well that's what i got out of it.
But what i DON'T understand is why i'm having that dream now? Is it a premenition of what's to come? Is it my shaky past resurfacing because i never dealt with it? Is it a prophetic dream for someone else? Is it the late night dinner I had at Gladys Night's Chicken and Waffles? What is it? If only i knew...
by a policeman.
At least that's what I was convinced of for a good 4 minutes this morning after waking up in a puddle of sweat and unusually fast breathing.
5:46am glared my stereo clock. I had a good 20 minutes before my usual wakeup routine began, but there was no way I was going back to sleep after that. I sat straight up in my bed. Surrounded by quietness, I wiped away the unfallen tears. This is not the first time I've dreamt about rape. Heck, this isn't the first time i've dreamt about my own rape. But somehow, this dream shook me up the most. I tried to calm down. As I slowly laid back down and pulled the covers tightly around my body, my frantic eyes gazing questionably in morning darkness... I began to re-live my nightmare.
I was happy. It was a nice summer night. I was with a nice young man whose real name I won't mention to keep down real-life drama. So, we'll just call him Londell. So anyways, Londell and I were dating and had been for quite sometime. And like other friday nights, we considered this "date night". We decided to go to Houston's which just so happen to be at the Marriott Hotel. *don't ask why, dreams are just like that*
Him: You gonna wear that?
Me: Yeah. *gazing menacingly at him* Why?
Him: Ummm....because your NOT an AKA.
Me: *Looking down at my bootleg AKA shirt* But I like it. *frowning* Besides...I doubt we'll see any AKA's tonight.
And even if we do, I got a jacket, I'll just hide it.
Him: *sigh* Alright let's go.
FYI
I have NO IDEA why I wanted to wear an AKA shirt. lol I've never really been big into sororities, which is why i never pledged anything. I will admit though...i did go through a phase about 5 years ago where I was really feeling the AKA jackets. hahaha. shoot, they were cute. lol. But i've never ever EVER thought of wearing one. So I have no idea what this is all about. Dreams are weird.
So we go to the Marriott and go into Houston's where there's an incredible wait...so we sit outside the restaurant...(but still inside the hotel) on a small bench... when Raven walks in. Raven was Londell's ex girlfriend. I knew that Raven and Londell still talked...and I was okay with that. However, I wasn't really all that comfortable around her. She was much older and bigger than I was and I always felt like somehow she tried to use that to her advantange when dealing with my man.
Raven: hey.... Londell? *she says jiggling her way over towards us*
Him: hey...HEY Raven! *hugs her* How are you?
Me: *swiftly closing my jean jacket to hide my AKA shirt. Did I mention that Raven is an AKA?*
Raven: Hey Sway *smiling...but not really happy to see me*
Me: * looking away* Hey.
Londell & Raven simultaneously: So what are you doing here?
*laughter*
Me: *eye rolling*
Londell: Well me and Sway was finna eat. *pointing at our Houston's seat waiting device*
Raven: Oh.. okay. Yeah.. I'm up here for the AKA conference. * pointing down by the foyer to the numerous pink and green shirts, hats, bags, etc. proudly worn by what seems like 50+ women.*
I became nervous and swiftly looked down at myself. My boobs were too big to fully close my jean jacket over the bright green AKA letters on my chest. I knew that Raven knew that I was not apart of their elite group. I knew she had seen it. Darn.
Suddenly not feeling so well, I got up and faced the restaurant as to turn my back on her and her friends.
...so why don't ya'll come say hi?
I heard her say. My eyes locked with Londell's. He looked at me as to say.. "I TOLD yo' silly behind not to wear that ish"
He saw my fear and declined her offer. She shrugged non-chalantly and said her farewells. As she trotted back to her friends. I felt relieved. Until I saw them all looking at me.
Minutes later, I saw them making their way towards us. I grab Londell's hand and said, "let's go... NOW!"
Before he could even ask "why?"... he saw the tight-faced girls walking briskly towards me.
"Ooo-oo-oo- okay, gotcha" He says sensing what was about to happen.
I was about to get my behind LIT! I'm too pretty for a beat down. I remember thinking.
We began walking toward the door, but before we could make it out, they surrounded me. He threw me the keys and told me to run and get in the car.
As I scrambled to pick up the dropped keys, they rushed me. Fortunately for me, my small frame was able to maneuver out of the pile of angry women and make a dash for the car. Londell was still behind me trying to hold off as many of the women as possible. I called to him to meet me down the street where I'd pick him up...and with that, I pushed the revolving doors and fled.
The night air was refreshing...sucking in all i could, i began jogging towards the parking lot. My heartbeat was slowly turning back to normal as I got farther away from the hotel. I crossed the street and walked briskly into the Publix parking lot. I'd never been so happy to see his car. I got in and saw him running out trying to find me. I crank up the car and hurriedly try to drive over to him. Then I remembered.... I can't drive a stick. Between jerks and cut offs, I'm slowly making my way down the steep parking lot when a policeman flashes his lights at me. I was fairly relieved because I knew that he'd be able to help us.
Police: Hey lady, got a problem here?
He said as he tapped his flashlight on my car door. He looked as if he was in his mid 30's. Smooth skin, Caucasian, very well built. His dark hair shined from his flashing lights behind me. I didn't think of it as weird that he had on sunglasses...at night. But maybe I should have.
Me: uh yes officer. Thank you. *sighing with relief* I can't drive a stick and I need you to help me. My boyfriend's down there *pointing towards the hotel* And I really need to get to him. Can you help me?
I found myself saying.
He looked at me with a broad smile said, "Well you've come to the right person, I can sure help you learn how to drive a stick."
And with that...he pushed me into the passenger seat and proceeded to tear off my AKA shirt. He didn't even bother to close the door. With one swift swoop, he pulled my legs towards his body and positioned himself on top of me. The stick shaft pierced my lower back as he forced himself on top of me and maneuvered my jeans off. My voice was muffled by his large shoulder blades. No one could hear me scream. I reached for my cell phone and screamed Londell's name to activate my voice command option. I had no signal. The policeman snatched the phone away from me and threw it behind him onto the ground. His devious smile scared me as he mouthed the words..."just let it happen".
I woke up to darkness. No cop. No cell phone. No Londell. No Raven. No AKA t-shirt. Nothing...but a fierce pain in my lower back.
I think I have trust issues.
That's the only thing I've came up with since this morning when I awoke from this dream. I've had numerous dreams about rape but only one other dream I can think of that disturbed me as much as this one... and it same basic elements: me being betrayed/raped by someone I think is going to help me.
That was the worst feeling about those dreams. Moreso than the actual rape itself. My heart literally drops while i'm sleeping when my dream takes the turn where I'm thinking someone is gonna help and then they turn on me. Well that's what i got out of it.
But what i DON'T understand is why i'm having that dream now? Is it a premenition of what's to come? Is it my shaky past resurfacing because i never dealt with it? Is it a prophetic dream for someone else? Is it the late night dinner I had at Gladys Night's Chicken and Waffles? What is it? If only i knew...
I figured that yesterday would be a great time to blog since I woke up at 6...laid in the bed for 15 minutes contemplating whether I should go to work or not...then finally settling on the latter..going back to sleep till 11-ish....and waking up with nothing pending to do. However, once i got up and got going, time just slipped away from me and my blogging never got done.
I hate that we got new computers at work. I'm used to my laptop. I didn't realize how much noiser an actual keyboard is over the nice compact keys of a laptop. You thought I was noisy back then...whew...I can hardly stand to hear me type longer than 3 minutes now. It's just annoying. Anywho...I have so much I want to share about what's been going on with me. I just know that now isn't the time...since my monday's work is PILED up on my desk. So hopefully I'll be able to write soon.
I hate that we got new computers at work. I'm used to my laptop. I didn't realize how much noiser an actual keyboard is over the nice compact keys of a laptop. You thought I was noisy back then...whew...I can hardly stand to hear me type longer than 3 minutes now. It's just annoying. Anywho...I have so much I want to share about what's been going on with me. I just know that now isn't the time...since my monday's work is PILED up on my desk. So hopefully I'll be able to write soon.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Detoxification
Friday Feb 11th, 2005
12:32pm
“…so, I have about 3-5 bowel movements a day Sway. It’s great. I think you should try it.”
“Uh…yeah. Sounds great!” I managed to say while carefully picking at my Oriental Chicken Salad that suddenly didn’t seem so appetizing.
I glanced quickly up at him. His smooth handsome face showed no traces of discomfort at all. He was hurriedly scarfing down his blackened tilapia sandwich like he hadn’t had a meal in years. Those beautiful bright eyes of his were fixated on his plate. I doubt he noticed how uncomfortable I was talking about his feces on our Applebee’s lunch date.
“Yeah Sway, I mean…I consider myself a pretty ‘regular’ guy ya know, but now…it seems to just…ease on out. I don’t have to strain or anything. It’s amazing. I just sit down and it just oozes out. *biting into sandwich and picking up a fry.* Not like diarrhea or anything. *chomp chomp* It’s nice and firm…but soft enough to come on out with no effort.”
I looked at him for a long time…I would have never imagined a guy like him being single. Strong jaw bone, nice soft pink lips..thick shiny jet black hair, which perfectly compliments his fair complexioned skin. Not a blemish or flaw in sight. Yet..he’s single. I looked out the window every once in a while zoning out and coming back on certain words like…black stool and diarrhea. After this conversation, I realized WHY women may not be necessarily knocking his door down. lol I mean, poop on the first date MIGHT not really be a great icebreaker. I honestly couldn’t believe that my dating life had come to this. I mean I felt flattered *sorta* that he felt comfortable enough to share that with me. I’ve known him long enough to know that he doesn’t share that stuff like that with everyone all the time, yet I still couldn’t bring myself to think that this date went well. Until later.
*Flashback*
About a month ago, one of my good friends Vee…jokingly titled me “The most dating-ness (yes she actually used this non-word) woman on earth”. *whew* I mean that’s quite a major statement. I mean... ON EARTH??? More than J. Lo? More than Halle? Shoot...more than LaQuandisha down the street? Dang... i felt BAD. Though we laughed it off or whatnot…I was kinda hurt about it. What was she trying to say? What does she mean? As I went home, I pondered why she would say something like that. She’s never seen me with any guys before. I mean sure, I’ve brought a few guys to church…but I’ve also brought a few girls…and the guys I did bring I made clear to my meddling, matchmaking friends that the guy and I were NOT dating. So….why does she think I date a lot? Apparently, a lot of people do. It’s funny to hear about what you are and aren’t doing from other people. True enough…I have a lot of male associates that i chat or hang with erry so often. But I’m not dating any of them. Well…not until last month.
After her comment…I began to think.
My momma always say “If you wanna change someone, start complimenting them on what you WANT them to be instead of what they are because you wouldn’t believe how far people will go to try and fulfill that which you’ve said.”
She’s right. I’ve tried it so many times. Call someone the sweetest person you’ve ever met a few times…and voila…you’ll see them change in front of you. It's amazing how they’ll do their best to keep up that reputation YOU built for them. lol.
Anyways… I found myself kinda falling into that trap. Shoot…everyone already think I’m just out dating up a storm. Might as well try it out. And with that… the dating began.
So I began dating. My little black book was in full effect. Dinner dates on random Tuesdays, movies on Sundays, Fridays I’m having lunch with one, dinner with another, and a late night visit to the salsa club with the last one. I was all dated out. I must admit. I had fun. lol I never thought I’d be the kind of person to just casually date for the sake of dating. But I did it...just to do it really. Of course nothing major ever popped of. An occasional kiss on the lips…a hug or a hand hold from one or two. But everyone understood that it was a DATE…not a RELATIONSHIP. We were just hanging.
*Flashfoward*
It was all good...until my aformentioned friday lunch date with a really nice, really attractive, really good friend of mine at applebees. The minute he began his whole detoxification/bowel movement spill I began to realize many many things:
1. How extremely ANTI-first date I am. While a few years back, I thrived on first dates...the lightness of it…the butterflies and anticipation of what’s to come, the “getting-to-know-you” questions…the “good behavior” they seemed to portray. I loved it. But now, it's soooo friggin old! I hate having to tell the same story to a million people who will forget about me AND my sto ry by the weekend. I wish I could just skip the entire intro. And don't even get me started on how fake that entire first date seems. Ugh. Just show me the real you...bump that other stuff.
2. I NEED meaningful deep rooted relationships. I mean..I REALLY need it. Yes…this past month has been fun. Different people bringing out different sides of me. Different experiences, dating tactics, conversations, vibes, etc. It was all great. There was never a dull moment. But the fact still remained that when I went home, there was no one there to ask me how my day was. I had no one to call and say, “you know what…I love you”…there was no one to buy a nice sweater for when the Rich’s men’s store had a sale. I still felt empty. And though I was very upfront about what my interpretation of a DATE and DATING is… many of my male associates /friends STILL had an issue with me going out with other people. *aught…before you say ANYTHING…* The problem with this is that, it wasn’t like they were mad because they wanted to be exclusive with me. Most of them are talking to someone else or are dating other people too. They just wanted ME to be theirs exclusively while they do what they do! lol. Men! *rolling eyes*
and
3. Mr. Poop guy had a point. I really do need to try detoxification. Maybe not in the sense he was referring to, but nevertheless… our lunch date was not in vain.
I gave him a hug and told him to call me later. As I walked to my car, I couldn’t help but think about how corrupt my life had become. Why was I having these unfruitful...unsatisfying pseudo relationships with these guys I KNOW i could never be serious about? How could I be preparing myself for my Mr. Forever if I'm always out with Mr. SpaceFiller and Mr. BethereifI'mbored? I needed detoxifying. I needed to get these toxins out of my system. I need to get the s*** out of my life. I really did. The benefits are impeccable. I know it is..cuz I sorta listened to Mr. Poop's hour spill on it. He claimed that he takes a few pills everyday (while increasing dosage until desired effect is seen) and within 2 days, he saw changes in his breathing, skin, bowel movements and etc. He said at first, he got these terrible pains in his stomach..and soon after that…he was in the bathroom getting rid of the “excess”. lol. After a while, it became easier and he was feeling better.
So, with his advice…I began my own detox program. I began taking my daily doses of the Word, and Prayer, and Praise. As the days and weeks went by...I increased my dosage. Soon after, its magic started working down inside of me…and soon after that, I started feeling a rumbling down on the inside of me that I just couldn’t shake loose. A pain in my heart began to form. I could no longer continue on the same way i had been in months before. I knew that those pains were gonna soon be followed by a sudden rush to release the "excess". And before I knew it…
Sunday Feb 13th
10:45pm Choc’s apartment
Chocolate Tease: What’s wrong Sway. You haven’t been yourself today. You’ve barely said anything to me since dinner.
Me: I’m sorry. Just got a lot on my mind.
Chocolate Tease: Liiiike????
Me: Um…chocolate tease, you’re a great guy. But I just can’t see you in this capacity anymore.
Chocolate Tease: *sigh* I knew this was coming…
Me: I knew it was coming too…but I had no idea it would be tonight. But for some reason, I just can’t hold this anymore. I really like you Choc. A LOT. But, we’re on two different paths in our spiritual life…and being with someone who I’m spiritually compatible with is just as important to me as being with someone who I’m physically compatible with…
Wed Feb 16th
3:30pm. Celly Rings
Kev: What it is Kay Sway?
Me: Hey Kev.
Kev: What’s da deal fo tonight?
Me: Um…I got Bible Study.
Kev: oh. *teeth smack* Well…how bout you skip it and come through here so we can go to James’ thang tonight?
Me: Or…you can just skip it and come with me to Bible Study…
Kev: hahaha. Girl you trippin.
Me: silent
Kev: so what’s up? U coming through?
Me: Um…Kev, listen… I don’t think we should kick it anymore. I know we’re not in a serious relationship or anything, but the type of friendship we have isn’t exactly platonic either. And while I’ve had a great time going out with you, I can’t do this anymore. I need more.
And just like that, I got rid of all of the good, but unfruitful relationships/friendships in my life. I found myself telling EVERY SINGLE “guy friends/associates” that I found myself calling to take me out when I felt lonely or whom I found myself becoming “more than a friend” with although no commitment had ever been made…that I no longer desired to casually date them. I dropped my security nets. I released my safety guys and now, I’m finding myself truly single for the first time in my life. There is no one to call now, which really did cramp my stomach up once I realized what I had done. For a split second, I almost called chocolate tease and said “ um…I was just kidding.” lol. But I didn’t. I need this. If I’m ever gonna completely trust God in this area of my life…I gotta let go of the “side guys”….the “safe guys”…and the “alternates”.
I had to let go of some girlfriends whom I never thought I’d say goodbye too. I found myself giving up just being out and about for the sake of being out and about. The word says to stand still and KNOW that I am God. And honestly…it’s HARD to hear God’s voice when you’re out doing your thang all the time. People were so surprised to see me HOME on a friday night. lol. Actually, I couldn't believe I was home on a friday night. lol But, I had to detox ya’ll. I had to let go of those unfruitful relationships. I found myself successfully letting go of the issues I had about being alone. Because ...in reality, I’m NOT alone. Me and God make the majority in EVERY situation. So, I had my movement. I let it go. And don’t you know I feel SOOO much better. I feel lighter. And more free. And the benefit is great. My skin is clearing up… not my physical skin…but my spiritual skin…ie. my attitude. I find myself apologizing to people I’ve done wrong to in the past, and I’m checking myself more. I'm finding myself being truthful about my feelings (not just the good ones but all of ‘em). I find that I can hear from God much better with a clean heart, clearer skin, and an open ear. I think we all should try detoxing.
Thanks lunch date. I think that was the best date I’ve ever had. We should definitely do that again.
12:32pm
“…so, I have about 3-5 bowel movements a day Sway. It’s great. I think you should try it.”
“Uh…yeah. Sounds great!” I managed to say while carefully picking at my Oriental Chicken Salad that suddenly didn’t seem so appetizing.
I glanced quickly up at him. His smooth handsome face showed no traces of discomfort at all. He was hurriedly scarfing down his blackened tilapia sandwich like he hadn’t had a meal in years. Those beautiful bright eyes of his were fixated on his plate. I doubt he noticed how uncomfortable I was talking about his feces on our Applebee’s lunch date.
“Yeah Sway, I mean…I consider myself a pretty ‘regular’ guy ya know, but now…it seems to just…ease on out. I don’t have to strain or anything. It’s amazing. I just sit down and it just oozes out. *biting into sandwich and picking up a fry.* Not like diarrhea or anything. *chomp chomp* It’s nice and firm…but soft enough to come on out with no effort.”
I looked at him for a long time…I would have never imagined a guy like him being single. Strong jaw bone, nice soft pink lips..thick shiny jet black hair, which perfectly compliments his fair complexioned skin. Not a blemish or flaw in sight. Yet..he’s single. I looked out the window every once in a while zoning out and coming back on certain words like…black stool and diarrhea. After this conversation, I realized WHY women may not be necessarily knocking his door down. lol I mean, poop on the first date MIGHT not really be a great icebreaker. I honestly couldn’t believe that my dating life had come to this. I mean I felt flattered *sorta* that he felt comfortable enough to share that with me. I’ve known him long enough to know that he doesn’t share that stuff like that with everyone all the time, yet I still couldn’t bring myself to think that this date went well. Until later.
*Flashback*
About a month ago, one of my good friends Vee…jokingly titled me “The most dating-ness (yes she actually used this non-word) woman on earth”. *whew* I mean that’s quite a major statement. I mean... ON EARTH??? More than J. Lo? More than Halle? Shoot...more than LaQuandisha down the street? Dang... i felt BAD. Though we laughed it off or whatnot…I was kinda hurt about it. What was she trying to say? What does she mean? As I went home, I pondered why she would say something like that. She’s never seen me with any guys before. I mean sure, I’ve brought a few guys to church…but I’ve also brought a few girls…and the guys I did bring I made clear to my meddling, matchmaking friends that the guy and I were NOT dating. So….why does she think I date a lot? Apparently, a lot of people do. It’s funny to hear about what you are and aren’t doing from other people. True enough…I have a lot of male associates that i chat or hang with erry so often. But I’m not dating any of them. Well…not until last month.
After her comment…I began to think.
My momma always say “If you wanna change someone, start complimenting them on what you WANT them to be instead of what they are because you wouldn’t believe how far people will go to try and fulfill that which you’ve said.”
She’s right. I’ve tried it so many times. Call someone the sweetest person you’ve ever met a few times…and voila…you’ll see them change in front of you. It's amazing how they’ll do their best to keep up that reputation YOU built for them. lol.
Anyways… I found myself kinda falling into that trap. Shoot…everyone already think I’m just out dating up a storm. Might as well try it out. And with that… the dating began.
So I began dating. My little black book was in full effect. Dinner dates on random Tuesdays, movies on Sundays, Fridays I’m having lunch with one, dinner with another, and a late night visit to the salsa club with the last one. I was all dated out. I must admit. I had fun. lol I never thought I’d be the kind of person to just casually date for the sake of dating. But I did it...just to do it really. Of course nothing major ever popped of. An occasional kiss on the lips…a hug or a hand hold from one or two. But everyone understood that it was a DATE…not a RELATIONSHIP. We were just hanging.
*Flashfoward*
It was all good...until my aformentioned friday lunch date with a really nice, really attractive, really good friend of mine at applebees. The minute he began his whole detoxification/bowel movement spill I began to realize many many things:
1. How extremely ANTI-first date I am. While a few years back, I thrived on first dates...the lightness of it…the butterflies and anticipation of what’s to come, the “getting-to-know-you” questions…the “good behavior” they seemed to portray. I loved it. But now, it's soooo friggin old! I hate having to tell the same story to a million people who will forget about me AND my sto ry by the weekend. I wish I could just skip the entire intro. And don't even get me started on how fake that entire first date seems. Ugh. Just show me the real you...bump that other stuff.
2. I NEED meaningful deep rooted relationships. I mean..I REALLY need it. Yes…this past month has been fun. Different people bringing out different sides of me. Different experiences, dating tactics, conversations, vibes, etc. It was all great. There was never a dull moment. But the fact still remained that when I went home, there was no one there to ask me how my day was. I had no one to call and say, “you know what…I love you”…there was no one to buy a nice sweater for when the Rich’s men’s store had a sale. I still felt empty. And though I was very upfront about what my interpretation of a DATE and DATING is… many of my male associates /friends STILL had an issue with me going out with other people. *aught…before you say ANYTHING…* The problem with this is that, it wasn’t like they were mad because they wanted to be exclusive with me. Most of them are talking to someone else or are dating other people too. They just wanted ME to be theirs exclusively while they do what they do! lol. Men! *rolling eyes*
and
3. Mr. Poop guy had a point. I really do need to try detoxification. Maybe not in the sense he was referring to, but nevertheless… our lunch date was not in vain.
I gave him a hug and told him to call me later. As I walked to my car, I couldn’t help but think about how corrupt my life had become. Why was I having these unfruitful...unsatisfying pseudo relationships with these guys I KNOW i could never be serious about? How could I be preparing myself for my Mr. Forever if I'm always out with Mr. SpaceFiller and Mr. BethereifI'mbored? I needed detoxifying. I needed to get these toxins out of my system. I need to get the s*** out of my life. I really did. The benefits are impeccable. I know it is..cuz I sorta listened to Mr. Poop's hour spill on it. He claimed that he takes a few pills everyday (while increasing dosage until desired effect is seen) and within 2 days, he saw changes in his breathing, skin, bowel movements and etc. He said at first, he got these terrible pains in his stomach..and soon after that…he was in the bathroom getting rid of the “excess”. lol. After a while, it became easier and he was feeling better.
So, with his advice…I began my own detox program. I began taking my daily doses of the Word, and Prayer, and Praise. As the days and weeks went by...I increased my dosage. Soon after, its magic started working down inside of me…and soon after that, I started feeling a rumbling down on the inside of me that I just couldn’t shake loose. A pain in my heart began to form. I could no longer continue on the same way i had been in months before. I knew that those pains were gonna soon be followed by a sudden rush to release the "excess". And before I knew it…
Sunday Feb 13th
10:45pm Choc’s apartment
Chocolate Tease: What’s wrong Sway. You haven’t been yourself today. You’ve barely said anything to me since dinner.
Me: I’m sorry. Just got a lot on my mind.
Chocolate Tease: Liiiike????
Me: Um…chocolate tease, you’re a great guy. But I just can’t see you in this capacity anymore.
Chocolate Tease: *sigh* I knew this was coming…
Me: I knew it was coming too…but I had no idea it would be tonight. But for some reason, I just can’t hold this anymore. I really like you Choc. A LOT. But, we’re on two different paths in our spiritual life…and being with someone who I’m spiritually compatible with is just as important to me as being with someone who I’m physically compatible with…
Wed Feb 16th
3:30pm. Celly Rings
Kev: What it is Kay Sway?
Me: Hey Kev.
Kev: What’s da deal fo tonight?
Me: Um…I got Bible Study.
Kev: oh. *teeth smack* Well…how bout you skip it and come through here so we can go to James’ thang tonight?
Me: Or…you can just skip it and come with me to Bible Study…
Kev: hahaha. Girl you trippin.
Me: silent
Kev: so what’s up? U coming through?
Me: Um…Kev, listen… I don’t think we should kick it anymore. I know we’re not in a serious relationship or anything, but the type of friendship we have isn’t exactly platonic either. And while I’ve had a great time going out with you, I can’t do this anymore. I need more.
And just like that, I got rid of all of the good, but unfruitful relationships/friendships in my life. I found myself telling EVERY SINGLE “guy friends/associates” that I found myself calling to take me out when I felt lonely or whom I found myself becoming “more than a friend” with although no commitment had ever been made…that I no longer desired to casually date them. I dropped my security nets. I released my safety guys and now, I’m finding myself truly single for the first time in my life. There is no one to call now, which really did cramp my stomach up once I realized what I had done. For a split second, I almost called chocolate tease and said “ um…I was just kidding.” lol. But I didn’t. I need this. If I’m ever gonna completely trust God in this area of my life…I gotta let go of the “side guys”….the “safe guys”…and the “alternates”.
I had to let go of some girlfriends whom I never thought I’d say goodbye too. I found myself giving up just being out and about for the sake of being out and about. The word says to stand still and KNOW that I am God. And honestly…it’s HARD to hear God’s voice when you’re out doing your thang all the time. People were so surprised to see me HOME on a friday night. lol. Actually, I couldn't believe I was home on a friday night. lol But, I had to detox ya’ll. I had to let go of those unfruitful relationships. I found myself successfully letting go of the issues I had about being alone. Because ...in reality, I’m NOT alone. Me and God make the majority in EVERY situation. So, I had my movement. I let it go. And don’t you know I feel SOOO much better. I feel lighter. And more free. And the benefit is great. My skin is clearing up… not my physical skin…but my spiritual skin…ie. my attitude. I find myself apologizing to people I’ve done wrong to in the past, and I’m checking myself more. I'm finding myself being truthful about my feelings (not just the good ones but all of ‘em). I find that I can hear from God much better with a clean heart, clearer skin, and an open ear. I think we all should try detoxing.
Thanks lunch date. I think that was the best date I’ve ever had. We should definitely do that again.
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