And speakin of men....

Most mornings I spend an hour to an hour and a half in traffic. Usually I pray halfway to work and get a little praise and worship in with my CD's or a gospel station. But some mornings like today, I just wanted to listen to some slow music and be left to my thoughts. I popped in Dwele's Subject CD and began my hour journey to both the known and unknown.

* I really be feelin the 2nd song on Dwele's CD.. "Truth".

I lied / I said you were the truth / you took it as the truth / and now i got you / but i don't want you like that / there only lives one love / and of that you can't compare to / and that's the bare naked truth

Man, it's amazing how many men really do that messed up stuff. They come bother me...when I wasn't even lookin for a man, then speak all this noise in my ear... tell me I'm "the truth"...and I believe 'em... fall for 'em...then he got me... but realize he really don't want me... it was all about the chase and the fun was in getting me. Ugh.. i hate that junk. I like the song because it's so real. Cuz um, I know a whole gang of menfolk that do that mess. Just messin with people's feelings. Ugh.


* Lately I've been thinking alot about Gerard. Gerard was the first guy I ever loved. I mean I LOVED me some Gerard. lol
My first year of high school I went to band camp. The first day of Band Camp on our lunch break, I saw Gerard sitting alone in the corner with his eyes closed. He had on some head phones and was beating away at the air with his drum sticks. I watched...errr... stared at him for a good 3 minutes before I caught myself and wondered if anyone else saw me looking. I knew from that moment that I wanted to know him. I wanted to be with him. I wanted him. I had only one other friend in band camp that day...Elisha Greene. Elisha and I had went to elementary school together...so when we saw each other that morning among the many strange faces, we suddenly became best friends. lol. I convinced her to come with me to talk to this "shy" young man in the corner. We went over to him. I was shy, Elisha wasn't. She started talking about everything...and all I could do was look at him. We all introduced ourselves and did some light chatting. Everytime his lips moved my heart skipped a beat. I was in love. lol. Some would call it puppy love...but if puppy love can last this long then maybe all humans need to abandon that human love stuff and try some of that puppy love. From that day on, I vowed that he would be my boyfriend. We became good friends...then pretty much best friends. I layed it on him so smooth he didn't know what hit him. By the end of our 9th grade year, we were sharing a locker, spending the mornings before class and the afternoons before band practice together, and walking hand in hand around the school during lunch time. That's when he realized what everyone else had known for the last 6 months and I had known since the day I saw him: We should be together. We were an item.
We dated until our junior year, when we all had to transfer to a different school. He and I both went to Lakeside High. But with new faces came new opportunities...and Gerard wanted a chance to embrace some "new opportunities". I was crushed. I lost my best friend, my boy friend and my first love for the "possibiliy" that someone new may come along. The crazy thing is... he never dated any one else after me. Actually I was the one that started dating David (who i stayed with for 2.5 years). But there was something about Gerard. To this very day I think about him. I still love him. I still wann a be with him. I'd still give him the time of day if he asked for it. And I've never felt that way about anyone... including my ex-fiance. It's amazing how long puppy love can last. It's been about 11 years and I still get the same feelings when I see or think about him now as I did when I was crushing on him at 13. Life's crazy.

* Why do I feel the need to go out each and every friday? I mean I don't care WHAT kinda events I had going on throughout the week, nor how tired I am, something within me REFUSES to let me stay my tired behind at the house on a friday night. What's so special about friday night? That is the ONLY night I could actually get some rest and not have to wake up at the crack of dawn so honestly that really should be the night I take my butt to bed and catch up on all the sleep I lost during my busy weeks. *sigh* I guess I'm stubborn.

* I had a dream last night about me getting married. I was marrying this guy named Talvis. In my dream, we had decided to get married pretty much on a whim. He and I had only known each other for a couple of weeks and were quite smitten with each other...so when he suggested marriage, I said yes. All my friends were excited and my parents were worried, but excited as well. They knew he'd take care of me and that he was a good guy. The day of our wedding..of course they wouldn't let us see each other, but I started to get butterflies. I was wondering whether or not this was what we really needed. More than anything i wanted to have this wedding. I loved Talvis and I knew we'd be a good match, but the "forever" part scared me. I mean, what if he changed? I'd only known him a few weeks... so I started pacing back and forth and before I knew it, I was knocking on the "men's" door and demanding to speak to him. I needed to see him. I wanted to know how he felt... if he was feeling this doubt like I was...and whether he could reassure me that us getting married was the right thing to do. The groomsmen wouldn't let me in... so I went back to my dressing room (though i was fully dressed) and sulked. I was completely alone. All of my friends were in the "auditorium??" (i guess it was an auditorium, i know it wasn't a church sanctuary... i dunno..you know how dreams are) And they were all making speeches like we were at a reception or something. (lol)
So I sat there for a while...then I called him. Now the dream got weird then because even though my husband-to-be was Talvis the entire dream, when i called him, he turned into KS (you remember him right? skip to the middle of this post...and read up! )...even though his name was still Talvis.

So when I called his celly, he answered and we talked...and we realized that we were both feeling the same way. It was too soon for marriage. I was relieved, but very dissapointed at the same time. But right after he said, well maybe we should postpone it...I woke up. And was like...wth?

Now that the dream's over and I'm riding in the car, I'm wondering WHY i'm dreaming about marrying this Talvis/KS person. Okay... background info.

I met Talvis last month. We talked and realized that we had a lot in common. So much that I jokingly asked him whether or not we were related. We went out a few times, and I met a couple of his friends. I like Talvis. He's a nice guy, and honestly from what I know about him, he IS marriage material. BUT...again, we just met and I don't even know if he likes me more than a friend. So why am I dreaming about marrying him? I don't really even know him.
I wish i did know. I thought it was weird.

And then the KS part was even weirder. Oh yeah, did I tell you all he called outta the blue the beginning of this month? Yup. He called and said he was thinking about me and he just wanted to say hi. So we talked for a second and got some things out of the air and off our chest concerning our breakup. Well he did most of the talking. lol. Once he understood WHY i felt I had to leave him alone, his entire aora changed. He told me that he really could respect what I did and how I did it and yada yada yada. So we hung up and I figured I wouldn't hear from him for another 6 months to a year. But he kept calling...and calling. So as of late, we've been keeping in touch via phone. We haven't seen each other and honestly that's probably a good thing b/c I KNOW ya'll remember me telling ya'll how friggin FINE he was. Whew Lawd! That brotha was amazingly, incredibly, unbelievably PERFECT!!(well... as far as his outter appearance is concerned.) I dunno if I could handle seeing him again. I might be persuaded to try to catch hold to the few sparks he's been throwing out.

* Speaking of fine men. Why is Chyno from the tv show, "The Player", so FINE to me. He has nothing on KS...but um, if I was still givin it up... he'd officially be on my who could get it list. That man is so darn sexy to me. Okay...lemme gone and stop for I start lusting or somethin. lol. Gone.


"We must become the change we want to see." ~ Gandhi

Changing laws....

How come only the bad things you say "hasn't happened to you" come true? Like... if I were to say that I've never been stung by a bee...and then forget or choose not to knock on wood... (a whole nother post...lol) then I all of a sudden HAVE to get stung by one just because I said I hadn't?

I just don't get it. How come the good things I say like.... I've never won the 5 million dollar lottery.... NEVER happens?? How fair is that? It sucks... I mean, has anyone ever sat down and really thought about that thing? I've been wondering if it has something to do with the 2nd law of thermodynamics. I mean, I know that law mostly deals with heat/energy etc...But.. it can be applied to life as well... right? Okay hear me out...

Part of the second law states that one manifestation of entropy (chaos) is the tendency of systems to move toward greater confusion and disorder as time passes. Meaning that the chaotic state of anything is wayyyyyyyyyyyy more likely to occur than an ordered state, so any given isolated system will evolve to it(entropy/chaos).

That kinda explains why we still gotta dust gramma's china even though she never uses it, and vacuum he favorite room even though no one's been in there since the last cleaning. Things just naturally tend to go downhill. It's an effort to keep order. So in saying that... it's easier for chaos and disorder to rule in most of our daily activities and etc.

This is my twisted thory/take/opinion on how all this ties together. Okay... *sigh* Ya'll ready for this...lol... *hoping you don't get lost in all my rambling*

Okay.. John 3:1 says that "Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made."
and
I Corinthians 14:33 says, "For God is not a God of disorder but of peace"

So...to me that says that all things that He made, He made for us to keep in order and in peace. And according to the implications of the 2nd law, things will naturally take a turn for the worst even if you do absolutely nothing at all. So you have to actually CHOOSE to do positive, orderly, and peaceful things. You have to take ACTION and MAKE these things happen. So in sayin that.. the reason good things rarely just "happen" when we say it is b/c we have to kinda create it. The universe naturally gears towards chaos. Which is why it takes minimal effort for something bad to happen after we say it . Well....at least that's my theory for today.

I'm not sure i like that theory though. I mean...it's not fair. I have to work at good and bad just naturally occurs. Not to say that all chaos is bad.. i think some randomness /spontanaety/commotion is cool... it brings color to the monotonous dealings of everyday life...
I dunno... i guess it just bothers me knowing that if I want good things to happen I will most likely have to consciously make it happen. I wish it was vice versa.

I'm only one call away...

It’s amazing how many things run through my mind on a daily basis. 80% of which I swear to myself I’m gonna blog about. Fortunately for you…only about 5% of that actually makes it to this page. I made this blog to keep an accurate account of my life and thoughts…but it seems like only 20% of who I am is represented here. How’s that? Oh well… it’s just something I thought about last night until my phone rang.

I was currently on the phone with a young man that I honestly didn’t want to ever stop talking to …but when I saw the name on my caller ID, my entire body froze. It’s been a few weeks since we last spoke. I know that before we hung up for what I thought was the last time, I told her that she can call if she NEEDED to. I just never thought she’d need to. Everytime she calls my heart drops, my hands get shaky and my heart races. I guess it’s conditioning… I mean every time she calls it’s always something. I never know what she’s gonna say that will possibly break my heart or change my life. I slowly told my friend that I would call him back in a few…and clicked over to see what she could possibly want to talk to me about now. I could tell that she was crying as soon as I heard her voice. My first reaction was…"dang… Anthony done cheated again.”

Taylor and I aren’t friends. However she calls me more than any other female I know besides my momma. I guess our situation bonded us together temporarily. Well at least on her side. I don’t feel any animosity towards her… but it’s hard to be a friend to someone you unknowingly shared your boyfriend with for 4 months. (While after the third month, both of us said we were gonna leave him alone, but stayed with him until finding out that neither of us kept our word and we were still sharing him)

I moved on from him, but she couldn’t let him go. I understand the power of emotions and I think because none of her friends understand what she’s going through, she leans on me when things are happening between him and her. She knows I won’t judge her…and she knows that I won’t lie to her. I listen and I tell the truth…even when it hurts me. Even when I could and really wanna lie… I won’t.

I asked Taylor what was wrong. Between sniffles she told me that she knows it probably causes me more heartache to talk with her b/c it reminds me of Anthony (which she’s absolutely right about, though I remained silent), BUT I was the only one she could talk to b/c I’ve been there with him as well and I understand. So with little promting from me she started ranting about how much she’s dealing with right now. She told me a few weeks back that she has breast cancer and will be starting chemotherapy in a few weeks.

*sidenote: this is how shallow Anthony is… she told him about her cancer a day after she andI found out that both of us were still with him and I decided that I can’t be in a love triangle anymore. A few days later, he calls me talking about how sorry he is but I got it all wrong.. he claimed that the only reason he kept seeing her was out of obligation. He said that he knew she was sick and didn’t want to tell her bye just yet b/c he knew she needed him. He claimed that he really loved me and that he would fix everything he messed up. *Lol… haaaaaaaaa. Classic.* Anyway, of course when she called me like she usually does, and I told her about his attempt to get back with me, she was furious b/c she said she didn’t tell him until like… two days ago. And he used her sickness to try and get back with me. Isn’t that low! YET… she’s still with him*

Now she tells me that her baby’s father kidnapped her daughter. He took her from the home a few days ago saying that he was gonna take her to his mother’s house. Taylor said after he didn’t come back with her the next day, she called his mom and the mother said she hasn’t seen her son or the granddaughter. When Taylor called his celly…it said that his service was cancelled. This guy straight dipped out on her. It was soooo sad. So she says to me… “I didn’t know what else to do or who to turn to so I called Anthony. I told him what happened and asked him if he could just stay on the phone and talk to me for the next 2 hours until I can file a police report and he said okay, but about 3 minutes later he said he’ll call me back b/c he need to call his uncle and see if he can give me some doe to fly up and see you.” I listened intensely though hearing about Anthony literally made my stomach churn. “I told him I didn’t NEED him to fly up, I NEEDED him to support me right now…like this… on the phone. But he kept saying he’ll call right back and I got tired of arguing. Well he didn’t call me back..so an hour later I called him and he didn’t answer his phone. Sway, I called him 6 times. The seventh time he answered, but I heard him open his door and go outside. Sway I KNOW another woman was in there.”

That’s when I realized why she called me. She thought it was me again. She thought I’d given him a 3rd chance. She wasn’t blatantly saying that…but I knew. So I casually eased her mind by hinting at the fact that it wasn’t me. She began telling me how hurt she was because he couldn’t stop chasing skirts long enough to just be a “friend” to her and talk to her while she’s going through this crisis. I felt bad for her. We both know how Anthony is….i mean firsthand. Yet no matter what he did to her, to me, to his babys’ mothers, to all of the other 59834064 girls listed in his phone, she really thought he’d change for her. I prayed for her. I prayed for him. I prayed for myself. I was really hoping to never be bothered with them again… but I see now that God puts people in our path for a reason. People that I wouldn’t necessarily ever meet except through divine intervention. I must say that since this whole ordeal with them, I’ve found myself on my knees a LOT more. And not just for myself. This experience is teaching me patience, longsuffering, and intercession. He put us in each other’s path for a reason. Taylor needed me, that’s clear. God knew she’d need me to talk to. … But what I just realized is that I needed her too. He knew that I’d listen…And pray. My prayer life was missing something. I thought of others often, but I wasn’t praying regularly for others. Intercession wasn’t my strongest point. It’s amazing how God gets you to where He wants you to be regardless of how much you disobey him, what you do, and how much you run from it. Remember that. Gone.

“For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible,… everything got started inhim and finds its purpose in him.” -Colossians 1:16

Just Writin...

Well today’s hump day… and I must say, I’m very happy that this week is going by kinda fast. Not that it’s been a bad week…but it’s just that I’m starting to run out of work to do here….and that’s scary. I’m afraid that they’ll see that I really don’t have much to do anymore and then realize that they don’t really need me. I need this job. I love this job. It’s great. And honestly I’ve gotten used to getting that big fat paycheck erry other Friday. So I’m ready for the weekend so I can figure out what kinda busy work I can do next week. lol

*** My momma’s 50th birthday is next week. She’s been talking about this party for like…the last month or so. She’s really starting to drive me crazy about it though. I’m like, “momma…. Please!!! If I hear one more word about a doggone party!!!”

But it’s all good. I know she’s excited… and she deserves it. I just wish someone else would help me with it. I’m not the “planner” type. I don’t like doing all that kinda stuff. I hate having parties for myself and I hate planning parties for others. I’d rather to just be told to bring something and be done with the entire thing. I think I get that from my dad. I hate being bothered with the details of things. I’ll do it if I have to…and I’m good at it if I do it… but I just really don’t like to. So I’m sooooooooooooo ready for next Saturday to get here so I won’t have to think about a party for a looooong time from now.

***My cousin is 8 months pregnant now. It’s almost time.. and she looks like she’s about to pop. Like literally. I wish I could take a picture of her stomach.. it’s so hard!! I thought stomachs were supposed to be soft and dough-y. Touching her stomach feels like touching a soccer ball…. And if you press a soccer ball… you’ll get the same kinda effect. It’s weird. Anyway… she’s mad at me. Again… I’m not too worried about it though. She has to stop speaking to me at least 3 times a year.. .otherwise I’d worry that an alien has taken over her body and she’s not who she say she is. This time she’s mad because this guy friend of hers is now very interested in me. Note: HE’s interested in ME… but SHE’s mad at ME… not HIM. I don’t like him like that. But even if I did, it’s no reason to stop talking to me. They aren’t dating.. never have, never will… PLUS she’s the one who gave him my number, without my permission might I add… so it serves her right. She knows that I’m a pretty nice person, I’m easy on the eyes and guys are usually attracted to me… so why even start something if you can’t handle the ending? What happened was that she told him it was my birthday a few Fridays ago and so he told her to tell me happy b-day. Well she said, “tell her yourself”. He said "ok". She gave him my number…and he called. He talked and talked and I talked back. Then he said, well since you’re so nice.. why don’t I treat you out. Of course I was like.. Okay cool. So we went to dinner and a movie that Saturday. Well my cousin was pissed. At least that’s what he told me when he came to pick me up. lol. She hasn’t called me or spoken to me since then. My philosophy is… She’ll get over it.

***Isn’t this some craziness… read it!

Okay I hate situations like this cuz you never know who’s telling the truth. And honestly I don’t want to take either one’s side b/c it would be too upsetting if I learned that they lying. I mean didn’t we learn anything from Kobe? Ugh.

Alright I think I’m about done rambling for today. I gotta at least pretend that I’m doing work up in here. Gone.

“A strong woman won’t let anyone get the best of her…
but a woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone.”

- Marta S. Hardy

I dunno what's goin on...

I've been wanting to write. Really I have...but my mind is at a blank right now. I've decided not to even mention anything that went on during my vacation. It's one of those things that I would much rather keep to myself. Yet skipping everything that's happened since the last time i've written something will definitely leave a huge gap in your understanding of what's going on with me right now....which is why i've been so quiet lately. But i think i've had time to greive over people I've lost....scratch that...people who've lost me. And now I'm ready to start over.

I don't really have much to talk about today either. But i figured that I should at least start back bloggin. I'm notorious for losing interest in things and never doing them again. And honestly, I want to stick to this bloggin thing...so i figure i should keep in practice.

I got a fotoblog today. There's a link to it on the side bar. I don't know how to put it down under each new post though. I'm not that computer saavy. Maybe one day someone will show me. lol.
I'm cheap though. I opted to use the free fotoblog service...so i could only upload one pic. lol. Oh well... tomorrow i can do it again.

Hopefully i'll have something to talk about tomorrow. Anyways... i just wanted you guys to know that i was alive.

Gone.

Best of times...Worst of times

OK... I promise I had like a super long entry about my vacation last week. But monday when I got back to work my computer shut down mid-day and the IT people said that my hard drive died... so I had to get a new one. Which means all that writing I saved in Word is gone. *sniffling* Sooooooo... i'll just have to find some time this week to re-write it... or forget about it like I usually do if I don't write about it as soon as it happens. Either way... I'm finally back. *as if anyone cares...lol* And I do have a lot I want to share. Some really good... and some really bad. Aight. Gotta do some work. Today will be the first day I've done work since July 23rd. Gone.