My weekend was....

I dunno. An emotional roller coaster. I told myself that the next time AM asks me to come over, I'm gonna decline his invitation. I waited all week for him to ask me just so i can say NO! So......why did I hear myself saying "okay" when he asked me to come over saturday morning after I got my car fixed??? Dang, I'm so freakin weak! I need to woman up!! Grrrrr.. Girl Power. *shaking my fist*

I went over to his place saturday and he's playing video games with Omar, an extra temporary roomate. Mind you, I haven't seen AM since our "break up" even though we still frequently talk. So anyway, he introduced Omar to me and I played with Taz (his cute little doggy) for a while. After about 20 minutes... I was like, Okay...why the heck did he want me over here if he's playing video games?? So, I get on the phone and start chatting with one of my homeboys for about 30 minutes. Of course AM didn't like this, I mean, it wasn't like he wasn't talking to me, or paying me any attention...but the fact was that, he could have "talked" to me on the phone... He lives an hour away from me! If I'm gonna make a trip all the way to your house... please have a reason for it. Let's do something!! Well he finally got off that doggone video game after he saw that I wasnt gonna just sit on his couch like a deaf mute and be his little playstation cheerleader.

Anyway, he um, suggested we go to the little lake/park by his apt. This was fine with me b/c I like being outside and I love the park by his apt. So he's trying to find something to wear I guess...and he's taking a LONG time. I mean, boy come on! We just going to the park! Throw on some jeans and a shirt and lets go!! So I go in his room and try to lend a helping hand. Why does he try to get fresh with me? He suddenly wanna be all hugged up and lovey dovey...trying to kiss me on my neck and trying to put his hands in places only BOYFRIENDS can touch?? So of course I gave him the... "um bruh...?? this ain't yours no mo'" look and walked away from him. Men. Do I really look that desparate??? He HAD my Good Good...then he thought he should stop getting the Good Good altogether b/c he found Jesus, then he opted to completely just put me in the friend category...now he want this Good Good back without wanting "me" back? Who he think i am? Ugh. Men!

I mean don't get me wrong. A sista really struggling with this celibacy thang too. It's not a walk in the park for me either, but I got too much self respect to go down that road with him now knowing what I know. Anywho...the park was great and we actually had fun together. He keeps telling me, "you're {I am} one of my {his} most favorite people on earth. you're {i'm} up there with my {his} momma." *lol* I guess that's a good start to a ....friendship.
I felt fine all while I was with him and even when I got back from the lake... But when I finally left his apt that night. I felt really down. I dunno.... seeing him made me feel worse.

But you know what really made me feel like crap? You remember KS? No?? Okay read this post. Anywho.... I saw him at Red Lobster sunday. I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't expecting that. I was looking nice as usual, but I could have up'd my game to something that screamed, "don't hate me because I'm sexy, hate me b/c your man thinks so."*lol*

I was with my parents and gramma... We were getting out the car and I had on some shades... I looked accross the parking lot and my eyes fell upon him. At first, I didnt recognize him. I was like, "mmmm... that brotha is delicious. He is downright sexy." He had on shades, looked a little more fit and muscular and he had cut his hair. Dang, he was soooo fine. Then he looked my way. He did a double take....and I stared at him as he stared at me....both of us trying to figure out "is that's who i think it is" while keeping our composure and acting non chalant. He gets to the door way before me and my group. I was a bit relieved to see him disappear into the red lobster because i actually broke up with him via voicemail and was very embarrassed about that (that's how freakin busy he was, i couldn't even get him to stay still long enough to break up with him) and also because, I didn't really know what to say to him.... especially since he looks even BETTER than he did when we were talking...and I thought that was impossible. I hate seeing ex's and they looking BETTER!! Ugh!

But guess what, he really hadn't disappeared. By the time I got to the door, he was there... opening it for us. We looked at each other and there was no way to not face him. He gave me a wry smile and said "hey how ya doin" I said fine, how are you without breaking a stride. We didn't chat. There was no hugs... it was very matter-of-fact and business like. I hated it and it felt really wrong.

I felt bad b/c I broke up with possibly the finest man on earth! *lol* I mean, he was so sexy, I started to get upset with myself for not enduring and holding on to our poor excuse for a relationship. I've been thinking about him every since then. He was just sooo amazingly handsome and it's not fair. I know he's not thinking about me like I'm thinking about him now, and that makes me even more upset.

I guess he managed to get the last laugh because I know he saw my face and i know he went home satisfied like, "yeah, that's what she get for giving up all this sexiness...she know she missing a good thang"

Dang.... jokes on me.