It's that time...

Well, in a couple of hours... it goes down!! i just finished my hair, which i must say looks AMAZINGLY wonderful lol...and i'm parading around in a black lacy tank and my black slip so that i won't get too hot or wrinkle my clothes before i have to go to church. Yes...tonight I'll be at church.

There was only one time in my entire life that I decided to celebrate the New Year without going to Church and call me superstitious or whatever...but that was one of the WORST years for me. lol. I decided right then and there that each New Year that God allows me to see will be ushered in by me being down on my knees and thanking Him for is grace and mercy. Now after service... well...ya girl is gonna be out and about.

I have three functions to attend after church and I have the slightest idea how they are all gonna get done. My church friends are having a breakfast downtown at one of my homeboys house immediately after church. I gotta swing by there because I am responsible for cooking some of the breakfast... lol. So i figure i'll go there first...then head to my best friend Biah's house. I've written about some of her parties. Though I've never went into detail about just how much fun they are... trust me... I.MUST.GO!! They are gonna do it real big and though I prolly won't get there until 2am.... I still gotta make an appearance. lol. I'm sure everyone will be "oh so gone" by then so it should make for an interesting party. After that, I gotta head on over to my cousin's party. He's throwing some big shabang all night long...so if i get there at about 4 in tha mo'nin... i doubt if anyone will look at me odd. *tired already from what's to come* Soooo i figure i'd just take it easy for these next two hours and get ready for a night/morning of fun.

As I was resting... i began thinking about this year and all it has entailed. The people I've met as well as the people I've had to say goodbye to. My job, my family...my own self and how i've changed. Let me just take a moment to reflect....

What I'm leaving behind in 2004....

AM Ironically, he was the first person I saw, hugged, kissed, touched, etc. in the year 2004...he's no longer apart of my life in anyway in 2005. In a way, I'm sad to leave him back in '04...but I must press towards greater things.

Self-doubt I've realized that I don't give myself enough credit for things. I've noticed that I don't try things that I think are extremely hard for fear of failing. But I've also noticed that the things that I do try my hardest in, I succeed. Therefore I plan to leave those negative thoughts about what I can and cant do in 2004 and develop more confidence in my abilities and the abilities of the Greater One within me.

A broken heart Though I never discussed it much here... I've had my heart broken a few times this year. Thankfully it wasn't shattered into a million pieces and thankfully God mended it with the Super Glue we call Love and Compassion. So many questions I had about my life and relationships were answered this year. Unfortunately it left me very broken. But believe me when I say that God will fill in every void in your life...He will mend ever broken part of your soul and He will make you whole if you let Him.


People who have entered my life in 2004...

Barry- thanks for always having an encouraging word for me. I pray that next year you'll find all that you were looking for in this year. I love you.

Dia- Guuuuuuuuuurl. You are a TRIP! I'm so glad I met you. I only have a few really close girlfriends and I am so glad to consider you one. I love you.

Bunns- you're one of the best people i know. you came to me at a time when i needed someone to "get me". i needed someone to be silly with and just let down my hair with. thank you for making me feel so good everytime we're together or when we talk or when we write to each other. I pray that you're in my life forever, but if not... I will always be grateful for what we have at this moment in my life. I love you.

"Crush" (KD) - i'm not sure what God's purpose was for our meeting, but I'm glad we met. I'm not sure where we're going, but i'm glad we're here. I don't know if you'll be here next year, but i'm glad you were here this year. I hope that we become better friends and this thing that seems to hold us back from going further...well i pray that God helps us to over come that. I love your life energy and your smile just does it for me. I love you.



And to all of my blog friends whom i've either met in person or just chatted with online... I love you all too and may you have a BLESSED New Year!!!!

Happy Holidays!

I've stared at this screen for 7 minutes now. I've started over 4 times. Nothing seems to accurately represent what I feel and what I want to say. There's so much going on inside of me and I have no idea how to explain it. I just know that God is doing something miraculous in my life. No matter how much I run, or how far I roam. God always seems to guide me back to the path He has prepared for me....and for that I am eternally grateful.

It's amazing how some days everything in life seems so clear. You know where you're heading, you know what you're doing. You know who you are.... and then one day you wake up and nothing seems to make sense. You realize that you really don't know anything at all...and everything you were once sure of is now very "if-y".

That's me now. I realize that I don't know anything anymore. Everything I once knew, I no longer know...and everything that once seemed clear is now a big blur. The funny part about it is that... i'm totally okay with that. *sigh* I can't really explain it right now...so i'll just leave it at that. You wouldn't believe that I've been sitting here for an hour now...and this is all the far i've gotten. lol. Sooooo. Maybe I'll just try later.

Be careful what you wish for...

Friday Dec 17th
2:30pm

*celly rings @ work*

Me: Hello?
Chocolate Tease: hey Love
Me: *smiling* Hey
Chocolate Tease: how u doin?
Me: I’m good, how are you?
Chocolate Tease: better now that I hear your voice..
Me: *melting like a school girl*
Chocolate Tease: So, you coming through before you go out tonight?
Me: Yeah, I still gotta get those passes from you. (Referring to the free b4 midnight passes for visions)
Chocolate Tease: Oh yeah, aight. I’ll print them out for you. Call me before you get here love.
Me: *thinking … “I always call”* Aight that’s a bet, see you later.
Chocolate Tease: Aight, later.

5:13pm
*calling Chocolate Tease*

Chocolate Tease: Hey love, you here?
Me: yup.
Chocolate Tease: Aight…don’t get out. I’m comin.
Me: okay. *hanging up the phone thinking… “why he gotta come out?”

Just then, I hear a tap on my window followed by a big smile. His bedroom eyes seemed to sparkle today. I get out the car as calm as I could while trying my best not to stare at him too much. His tan suede blazer, cream Alfani shirt and brown slacks looked good against his chocolate skin. I couldn’t believe he was still in his work clothes. Usually by the time I come over after work, he would have been home for an hour and would have stripped off the corporate clothes and replaced them with his black Nike shorts and wife beater. What a difference clothes can make. I almost forgot how well he cleans up.

Me: Hey Hey. *cheesin as a I give him a big bear hug on my tip toes*
Chocolate Tease: Hey love, *cheek kiss then forehead kiss* Do me a favor… I know this sounds weird but just trust me aight…
Me: aight *looking puzzled*
Chocolate Tease: Go to the store and..
Me: But I just…
Chocolate Tease: aaaaaught. *putting his hand over my mouth* Just go to the store please… and pick me up some paper towels. I just realized we were out.
Me: *sighing , rolling my eyes and smacking at him* You STILL could’ve told me that BEFORE I got here.
Chocolate Tease: *handing me a $20* I know love, I didn’t realize it until when you called. I’m sorry. *pressing my head into his chest with his hand and hugging me tight*
Me: Whatever. Any particular kind? *I say snappily*

He says "Nope. Whatever you get is fine." as he runs back inside. I start heading to the store and mumbling under my breath until about halfway there when I realized that something isn’t right. Why does he need paper towels right now? Why he couldn’t get it later? He has a car! Why couldn’t he call his roommate and tell HIM to get it? Something isn’t right. He didn’t want me to come in. Why?

*PI* (pertinent info)
Mr. Chocolate Tease and I have been seeing a lot of each other this last past month. Ever since we re-united at my girl’s party, we see each other at least twice a week. I’ve been putting "the brakes" on this roller coaster since then too! I was hoping that my crush (who reads this blog) would read my post from Dec 1st and take the hint that it’s time to let me know if he’s feeling me because I can't put my life on hold while he figures it out. However, the more I thought about it, i realized that if it takes him this long to decide whether or not he's into me …then he's probably not the one for me. I can't be with someone who's not sure about me. I want you to know that you know. I wanna be with someone who wants to be with me and to be honest…there's a lot of young men that fall into that category. (okay how did I get off the subject..lol) Anyways… he and I did lunch last week and it was very clear to me that he just wants to be friends. I can respect that. Honestly, I think he’s crushin on someone else too. But that’s a whole nother post. lol Sooooooooo I decided that when the new year comes in, I will let the chips fall as they may. Chocolate Tease is showing a lot of interest in me. He’s always calling and spending time with me and he has no problem letting me know how he feels. I like that. So if things speed up between us…I won’t cool it down anymore to wait on my “crush” to decide whether or not he likes me.
*End of PI*

So in saying that… I thought it weird for him to not let me in like that. Was there another girl in there? If it was… that’s cool. We’re not together so I really have no say in that. But I don’t like to be lied to or played or ran game on. If you chillin with someone, then just tell me. Don’t hide it. I deal better with truth.


5:37pm

I get back to his crib and i’m pretty much steaming mad. My heart is racing cuz I came all the way to his house and he sends me back out and I’ve convinced myself that it was because someone was in there. So I don’t even tell him I’m outside. Nope Nope Nope. I walk up to the door and rang the doorbell about 5 times in a row. The longer I waited…the more upset and hurt I became. About 20 seconds later, I heard the door unlocking. My heart began beating faster because I REFUSED to show any emotion one way or the other, but I was honestly pissed and no matter how much I tried to hide it…I couldn’t. So he opens the door and lets me in while apologizing for the delay. I come in mad as all get out. But before I could say something to him… my jaw dropped.

Instantly I forgot.

I forgot how mad I was at him. I forgot how cold it was outside for those 25 seconds. I forgot that I had 2 rolls of paper towels in my hand (which he took and put with the rolls he already had). I forgot that I was supposed to go off on him for being so deceitful. I forgot that my jaw was still hanging.


Me: What’s goin on?

Chocolate Tease: I'm sorry I didn't let you in at first, but i wasn't ready for you yet. I'm still not, but it's all good. I couldn't think of anything else to stall. *laughing* You like?

Me: Well so far, yeah! Wow… what’s all this?
I asked as I took off my coat and strolled over to the table with my framed picture and 3 neatly wrapped presents marked “Love” on them. He had some older jazz music playing…didn’t know who it was…I think it was a compilation of folks, but it was simply beautiful. The lights off, curtains closed… most of the lighting came from the candles surrounding the tables and entertainment system.

Me: beautiful wrapping paper…i mumble while fingering the pretty lace bow on top of the small gift. I wondered what was in it.

Chocolate Tease: What u say? Come in here.

Kicking off my boots and putting down the gift…I walk into the kitchen. I smelled the aroma when I first came in, but it was slightly offset by the wonderful smell of the vanilla and lavender candles he had everywhere.

Me: okay! *laughing* I didn’t know you cooked. *looking at the chicken marsala and potatoes he was almost finished preparing.*

Chocolate Tease: I don’t. *laughing* Well…I don’t much. I can do a lil somethin though. I hope it taste good or else we gone be eating ramen noodles.

Me: laughing. Now I wish I hadn’t ate such a big lunch. *plopping down in a chair* So...why are you doing all of this?

Chocolate Tease: After a long pause…. I dunno really. Good question. I just …I dunno. I just wanted to do something for you.

Me: Awwwwwww....Thanks. *blushing*

So we eat and chat and to be honest… I’ve never had a real “candlelight” dinner except at restaurants…so it was really nice. He looked really nice. I looked like crap since it was Friday and I always dress down on Fridays. lol. We didn’t leave the kitchen until around 7:30ish. (I helped him clean up the kitchen..though most of it was already done by the time I got there.)

7:30ish
Chocolate Tease: was it good?
Me: *stuffed* mmmm. Great! You did pretty good. I’m impressed. *laughing*
Chocolate Tease: Thanks. Aight…I know you and Keya are going to Visions tonight…(getting up to get my passes) so I won’t hold you here too long. BUT…you have two options right now. Either you open your gifts now… or I can give you that massage you’ve been hollering about you want.

Me: hmmm. *thinking that I really want that massage…but I’m afraid to where it might lead. I might be a bit naïve about some things, but in no means am I stupid. lol* How about I open these and then we’ll see where we are on time.

Chocolate Tease: *grinning* I knew you’d say that. Aight open this one first.

He pointed to a medium sized gift box wrapped in red and gold paper. Feeling like I was three…I clapped all excitedly and grabbed the gift. It wasn’t heavy at all. Wondering what it could be, I tore open the box and looked in awe as I pulled out a fuscia colored silk chemise with black lace trimming. (kinda like this one) I felt… funny. Why is he buying me lingerie?

Chocolate Tease: I know what you’re thinking. I’m not trying to get ahead of myself or anything. Trust me, I wish I COULD see you in that... and hopefully one day I will. *wink* But I bought it for a specific reason, all the gifts have meaning. I’ll explain later.

“Okay” I said as I kinda relaxed a little. He has a way of doing that… he always seems to read my face and know exactly what I’m thinking. I pull it completely out the box. “It’s VERY pretty. I like it.” I said softly through my blushes.

Chocolate Tease: I knew you would. *smiling and watching me fiddle with the lace* Okay… next present. I’m getting kinda turned on watching you with that in your hand. *uneasy laugh*

So he hands me the next box. This box was heavy. I’m talking BRICKS kinda heavy. So I’m like….dang what’s in here??

To my surpise, there’s a lot of different things in there. I saw movie stubs as well as VHS movies…a copelands glass…a picture frame and a poem…(which I would share..but it was kinda “personal” lol) I knew offhand that the movie stubs were from the movies we had seen together over the last month or so. And the movies well…that would take up too much time to explain them both…but one of the two he got me was “Sliding Doors” which is one of my favorite movies EVER. The copelands glass I figured he kept from the time we went to copelands…and I had no idea what the picture frame meant.

Me: so you’re gonna tell me what these all mean?
Chocolate Tease: naw…open your last gift first..then I’ll tell you. *grinning*
Me: looking at him …*sigh* alright alright. *pretending to pout*

Wait!! Nevermind!! He said intensely. I’ll go ahead and explain now. Hold your last gift in your hand though.
I place the small box i was fingering earlier into the palm of my hand. I smiled and instantly became really nervous as he began talking.

Okay Love, *nervous sigh* the first gift I gave you represents our past. Given how we met, the first thing I thought of when I saw you was you in some slinky silky lingerie while you danced for me. I’ll admit, i wanted you. You was doin yo thang with that duck ass dude, but I knew that there was a sexual attraction between the two of us. So this represents our sexy, passionate meeting.

This gift here…*pointing to the opened gift on the table* represents us now. Our outings, blockbuster nights, our friendship. The empty Copeland glass and picture frame are parts of our present that I hope to fill in the future…

Me: okay. *looking confused*
Chocolate Tease: *laughing* Just open your present.

Now this… (pointing at the ruby/diamond ring i just opened) symbolizes what I hope our future will be. It’s not much, but you get where I’m coming from. I felt like this was a good enough time to tell you how I'm really feeling about us. This is the only way I know how to put it. Presently, that Copelands glass is empty, but I hope that it will one day be filled with wine from our reception. Presently, that picture frame is empty, but I hope that this picture frame will one day be filled with photos of us. And when the time is right, you KNOW I gotta see you in that sexy silk lingerie like I’ve always imagined you in. *slight chuckle*

I laughed a little too...but I had no idea what to say or think. This all kinda came outta nowhere for me. I mean, I know he was feeling me…but I wasn’t expecting for him to break it down like that. I stared at the modest but very beautiful ruby (my birthstone) ring he bought me…and absorbed every word his heart just told me through his lips. I realized how much work he put into all of this…and I began to cry. I’ve never had anyone do something so special for me. EVER. Not even my ex-fiance gave me this feeling during our entire 4 years together. It was an emotional overload.

I told him how I felt. I told him where I was …with him… with my crush… with myself. I told him everything. He assured me that he wasn’t trying to rush things. He just wanted me to know that he fully intends for our friendship to blossom into a relationship and eventually a marriage. He really thinks I might be “the one”. But he said he'll let if flow slow if that would please me. I told him it would.

It’s weird. As much as I’ve wanted someone to finally see “ME”…it's finally happened. I couldn't ask for a cooler friend. But now that it’s happened, I realize that I’m in new territory and that I honestly don’t know what to do…

So for right now…we’ll remain friends. But to be honest, it feels funny to be just friends after an evening like this.

We hugged… I left. At Visions Friday night…everytime I danced, I thought of him as well as where the new year would lead me....

Don't blame me...

Blame HER!!

I know that I have like 3 things I said I’d write about and haven’t gotten around to…but since CeeCee tagged me to do this meme or (hmmm how’d she put it…) “die painfully” I figured I’d go ahead and do it…cuz honestly CeeCee… well It’s not a good dying time for me right…I’m kinda busy at the moment…so err.. here it is.

Take Three

Three names you go by:
1. Sway
2. Babygirl (no, it’s not a nickname some guy gave me…actually quite a few folks call me this…including girls. lol)
3. Brese

Three screennames you have:
1. Jazzy Sway
2.Sexy Femininity
3. Jazzy Lady

Three things you like about yourself:
1. I love hard
2. I’m very forgiving
3. If I try hard enough for something…I’ll get it.

Three things you hate/dislike about yourself:
1. I love hard
2. I’m very forgiving
3. Certain things I really should try hard for… I don’t.

Three parts of your heritage:
1. African American
2. Irish
3. Cherokee (you know “WE” are all Cherokee!! lol) J/K

Three things that scare you:
1. Failure at something I actually work hard towards
2. Loneliness
3. Suffocation

Three of your everyday essentials:
1. Prayer/Daily Scripture
2. Carmax
3. Oil of Olay (works wonders ladies..lol)

Three things you are wearing right now:
1. My favorite silver/diamond necklace
2. A black sweater
3. black stiletto boots.

Three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment…cuz this changes almost daily…lol):
1. Maxwell
2. Fred Hammond
3. Jodeci

Three of your favorite songs at present:
1. Tell her – Teedra Moss
2. No Words- Seleena J.
3. Hey Lover- LL (yeah I know it’s old…but that’s my jam)

Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
1. Learning Japanese
2. Take a cooking class
3. errr this last one falls under T.M.I *lol* ( this was Cee Cee’s answer…but err..imma have to gone and say it’s mine too.)

Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given):
1. Stability
2. Honesty
3. Compatibility

Two truths and a lie:
1. I’m addicted to Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks.
2. I’ve asked several people for gift certificates to Vicki Secret as a Christmas gift.
3. I am a horrible liar.

Three physical things about the opposite sex (or same) that appeal to you:
1. Eyes
2. Lips/Smile
3. Voice/Diction/Tone/Speech. ( I know they're different…but I couldn’t pick just one)

Three things you just can't do:
1. Hide my true feelings about something/someone
2. Scream
3. Be purposefully spiteful

Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. Singing
2. Reading
3. Watching football

Three things you want to do really badly right now:
1.Sleep
2. Drink some caramel macchiato.
3. Did I mention Sleep

Three careers you're considering:
1. Counseling/Psychiatry
2. Lead Researcher in the public health field
3. Vocal Performance

Three places you want to go to on vacation:
1. Ghana or Ethiopia (i wanna go to both for different reasons.)
2. Egypt
3. Beaches in Portugal

Three kids names:
1. Khalia
2. Khalil
3. Khailey

Three things you want to do before you die:
1. Go to the Prague National Theater in Chez or to see the Opera “Die Walküre” (Valkyrie).
2. Make a positive difference in at least one person’s life.
3. Live.

Three people who have to take this quiz now or die painfully:
Cymple
The Kid
Nick (who probably won’t see this until next year sometime. lol)

It's Monday...

...and I'm busy. I guess it's a good thing because honestly... i'm not in a writing mood. I actually have a few things to get off my chest...and I had a great weekend that I need to write about...but um...it's not getting done today. Anyway...if i forget, please remind me to tell you guys about my weekend. Til then....
Gone.

WINDOW TO MY SOUL...



What do you see when you look into me...

A little pride?
Hurts I'm trying to hide?
A person in whom you can confide?
What do you see in these eyes?

I'm pouring out my soul with each glance...
Hoping a simple look will spark a chance...
For u to see me ...completely...
Every fiber of my being...
is expelled from this one portal.
Every thought that passes my mind stops here.
Every memory in my head that i hold dear.
Every word...every touch...every feeling...you can see...
if only you dare to stare into the soul of me...

Too busy having fun....

Just checkin in to say how GREAT today is. It's a beautiful sunny day outside and I have a great 5th floor view of it all from my officle. It's friday...which of course makes it a good day by default...plus we're getting off early today for no apparent reason... AND we're having a christmas celebration for the entire office starting at noon! So I get to eat free, go home early and get paid good. What more can you ask for. My co-workers and I are decorating our floor so of course no work will be done until maybe...11:30...but of course at noon, we'll stop.

Life is definitely good right now. I'm thankful. Gotta go play some more. Gone :)

2 posts in one day...

Well well well... i finally finished the bizillion things on my desk...only to find that it is PAST 5pm and I'm the only one still here. *sigh* Sway's work is never done. So....since I was here...alone...and honestly, the longer I stay, the better my chances are of avoiding all of the 5'o clock traffic jams...i figured I'd tell you a few happenings of my weekend. I know...i know... 2 full posts in one day... who'da thunk it. (lol) I guess Fave is rubbing off on me. With his 3-4 posts a day. It's pretty cool. However, i'm sure this is the last time I'll be doing this for a while. lol.

We called the Police... on my crazy neighbor. His habitual pole beating has gone on for too long. We found out that we the entire neighborhood and the neighborhood behind us can hear his beating...so we're not the only ones who are having trouble sleeping. We also found out that our other neighbors (who's 2 doors down from crazy neighbor) had already called the po-po's on him once. So....we figured hey.... we should do the entire neighborhood a service and call the boys in blue once more. So not knowing how deep they rolled...we called the cops and tried to get them to discretely come out since crazy neighbor had been beating the pole for a good 2 hours solid and we were going crazy! About 15-20 minutes later... 4 police cars stopped in front of our house and his and began looking really crazy. I didn't understand why until they knocked on our door asking where he was. They claim that they heard the noise about 3 blocks down and was trying to figure out where it was coming from. We pointed to "crazy neighbor's" back yard...and we went back in our house and proceded to decorate our live christmas tree. 5 minutes later, they rang our door bell to tell us that he had ran into the woods talking about "they out to get me...they out to get me" and they said that they will find him ...DEFINIETLY. *sigh* Dang...crazy neighbor. I hate it had to come to that. Now I'm afraid he's really gonna start nutting up.

Friday and saturday nights were filled with wonderful company. Friday, BG and I went to dinner and a movie. Though I had already saw the movie we went to see... it was great seeing it with him. Everything seems better with him. He's one of those rare people that I really really connect with. Like... I have no reservations around him. I can be as silly as I wanna be... as crazy and talkative as I wanna be... he just....brings out the best part of me. The woman I enjoy being. The first time I wrote about BG...I told you all that when we met, our souls found playmates.... and I still feel that way. Sometimes I wish he and I were family so I could guarentee that he'd always be in my life some kinda way. He really does mean a lot to me. More than I think he realizes.

Saturday night I had a visitor. My old roomate from my days at Emory came down from Cleveland and decided to stop by and see about me. She still looks the same. I used to hate the fact that her butt was sooo friggin big. It wasn't fair. But then again...she felt the same way about my "tops". lol. I figured that.... together, we'd be the finest female on earth. lol Anyway, we chatted for a while. I offered to show her a good time around the city...but what I didn't realize was that she was here with her HUSBAND and BABY. huh? How come she didn't say anything about getting married OR having a child in all of the many phone conversations...emails... or IM's that we share on the regular. Hmph. I guess I wasn't as good a friend as I thought. Anyway... she left and I began reminiscing about the many many wonderful...and not so wonderful memories of my college years. How about this... I'd love to share one with you guys...so i'll jot down a few and I need you all to tell me which one you'd like to hear about k? cool.

* My roomate and I dating the same man for 3 months without knowing....and he came to our apt. all the time.

* My proposal to my then fiance.

* My first real experience at freaknik.

* How I broke both my ankles within 4 months of each other.

* The crazy party that ellicited my first (and last) female kiss.
or

* The night I found out my fiance was cheating on me.

The start of a new week. A chance to start fresh. A new beginning. Ahhh... I love mondays! My face rarely shows that...but I really do like mondays. Plus today I have an extra pep in my step. I dunno why. I just do. Maybe it's the wig. lol. Yup. I know... I know... don't say it. I had to get one though. Not that I NEED a wig...but dang...i'm tired of putting all that heat of a straightener and curler on my hair each and everyday. Plus I got so tired of the POOF on rainy days that I decided to just get a wig with the same style i'm currently rockin...and put that bad boy on whenever it rains. Well...today it rained...and i figured it was a perfect time to try out my new hotness. lol So I cornrowed my natural hair and stuffed it under my wig (since my hair is actually about 2 inches longer than my wig. lol) I came in and my co-workers were amazed. They were going on and on about how good my hair looks. I didn't think it was THAT cute...but hey, I'll take the compliments. I really was just wearing it to give my hair a break from the curler heat...and the bad weather, so I wasn't even thinking about whether or not it was cute. lol.
I told one co-worker kept ranting and raving about how good my hair looks so i finally told her it was a wig and she didn't believe it. She actually laughed...and then was like.. wait...you for real? She was like....girl i ain't neva seen a wig that looks that natural. lol. I thought that was funny. But the way she kept going on and on about how cute it was made me wonder... "what does my natural hair look like to her on any given day" lol. She act as if she's never seen my hair lookin nice or somethin. lol. I mean, sure...i'm quick to throw that ish in a ponytail or something..but my hair still looks nice though. Dah well...I know I can hook my own hair up when need be. *tossing my wig hair. lol* I guess i should take a picture of it huh? ya'll should see it. hahaha.

Anywho.... before i get started on my monday work load....i just want to go on record saying how incredibly hurt i am about yesterday's game against the Bucs. Man... i wanted to say "WTF?" about 50948754 times yesterday. I kept screaming at the television "WHY WON'T YOU RUN VICK.... WHYYYYYYY!!" I mean, everyone knows that Vick ISN'T a pocket quarterback. Everytime he stays in the pocket, one of two things happen... they either rush him and he'll throw the ball away..but like his cousin Brooks...(naw... Vick's worse...) he'll throw it up and cause an interception...or two he'll he gets sacked. There's no other alternative to that... those are always the outcomes of his pocket throwing experiences. And we ALL know that when Vick gets hit...he does what?? all together say: Drops the doggone ball!! FUMBLE EVERYTIME. Twice yesterday the falcons were on the 1 yard line.... ONE YARD LINE and couldn't get a touchdown. Vick threw an interception like all darn day. The falcons turned over the ball like 4 times yesterday. That's ridiculous. Aaaaaah. Vick... do what you do best....ROLL OUT! It works for you. Do it. Tampa Bay MURDERED him in that pocket. And then to top it off...Vick throws wayyy to high. He has so much power and speed when he throws...which makes him awesome...but he needs to work on his aim. He's gonna get someone hurt throwing so high cuz everytime they gotta stop and jump up to catch it and i can just see someone now hitting the mess outta Price...(scratch that...he hasn't caught anything noteworthy all season though they payin him like he's Randy Moss or T. O. ... oooh don't get me started on that) err... Crumpler when he comes out of the air from catching one of Vick's passes and being crashed into the ground. I'm telling you... once Vick learns to throw the ball dead in their chest.... he'd be unstoppable. BUT FOR NOW... um... practice throwing in the pocket at PRACTICE...and roll out so you can see the field and run if need be during games!! PLEASE! *sigh* Okay...end of vent. Sorry. Had to get it off my chest. I feel better now so I'm off to work . Gone.

Why ya'll Why?

I figured I'd have time today to finish up my last post...but unfortunately I don't.

I really just came on to say that... I am SUPER MAD because my crazy neighbor (read here) started back beating the doggone pole again. And now I'm snifflin and sneezing cuz I had to turn on the fan to create suitible nocturnal noise to overpower his pole beating so that I could fall asleep. He SUCKS! I wish he'd mooooooooooooove. Go awaaaaaaaaaay! Ugh! I found out he beats the pole with a a hammer. He beats a metal pole with a hammer! At 11 at night. I woke up around 2:15 this morning because this guy named Kareem decided he wanted to call me on his way home from Visions because I was "on his mind"... (a whole nother story. lol) ... and the crazy neighbor man was STILL at it. How long can you beat a doggone pole? Okay, he started at 11 and was still going strong at 2:15ish in the morning. Do ya'll know how cold it was outside? Do ya? I'm surprised he doesn't have pneumonia or somethin. His arms should be as big as Stone Cold's or Goldberg's the way he goes at it. *sigh* I'm not sleeping at home tonight... I can't take it. I might have to call the po-po's on him if he keeps it up.

November Escapades

Yes Yes Ya’ll. Ya girl’s been busy. I’ve been going non stop for like…the last 2 weeks. I need to sit myself down somewhere and knit or bake something cuz man, I have been off the chain. Like for real. I am really outside my element right now. Most times when it starts getting dark and cold out…I hibernate. But since the holidays hit… I don’t know…I’ve been out and about each and ERRY day…(which is probably why I am sneezing and sniffling right about now). lol. It’s all good though. I’m on a quest. I’m trying to live it up. If there was such a thing as storing up good times to get you through the bad times…this would definitely be one of those storing phases. I’ve hit the surface a little on how the cool weather makes menfolk wanna dust off their lil black book and start hitting up old flames in hopes of rekindling that fire for the cold winter. Well… for some reason, this year… I’ve actually taken a few offers. (Okay…dang… stop looking like I just committed the cardinal sin.) I’m not serious about any of them…and I was very upfront and forward when I told them that my going out with them does NOT mean that I’m consenting to us getting back together. But I guess it all goes back to that lonely thing… I want to have fun… and the few select people I chose to go out with always did know how to make me have fun. So here’s my rundown of events from the last two weeks.

Friday the 19th ~ Well I had started out the day thinking that I would use the evening to take out my final set of microbraids so that I can go ahead and finally rock this “natural” do I’ve been obsessively talking about. However, my plans quickly changed…as they often do. Everyone knows I love spur of the moment outings…especially if the outing doesn’t require to much spur of the moment planning… (Ex. = a surprise party… good…a surprise trip to the mountains…not so good.)

Anyways, my homegirl, Biah called me and was like, “hey a couple of my friends and Frank’s (her live-in boyfriend) friends are coming over and we just gonna chill or whatnot… I got food… (which of course was the Key word I was looking for since I don’t really smoke or drink. Lol). So I’m like, “cool, I’m there.”

So I hopped in the shower, put on some gear and cut the other half of my braids to bob length since I had already started cutting them before she called….and headed out the door.

I had NO idea that this was gonna be a full blown house party by the time I set foot in there. Biah and I have been friends since 4th grade…so she knows me like the back of her hand. Had she told me the truth about her “get together” she knew I probably wouldn’t have showed up. lol I love house parties as much as the next (probably even more) BUT err…ahh.. I tend not to go to them much anymore because the Old Sway (aka: Keisha) always seem to pop up and before I know it…I’m shaking my groove thang on the living room floor…HARD! So… I walk in…the air was thick with the smell of blacks and a faint touch of henn. Everyone was jamming to some Trillville, Kilo, and Youngbloods (lol..that’s how we do down hurrr in da souf… lol) …holding a cup of “get right” and talking loud. Apparently most of the people there had left their house feeling “nice”…so by the time they got to Biah’s house…they were on cloud 9. So I greet my long time friend…take off my coat and ask where the food is. As I make my way through the crowd…I spot this nice chocolate tease in the corner wearing a tan kangol and a matching sweater. I smile and keep walking. Something about him seemed…comfortable. I shook the feeling and headed for the meatballs.

So I’m in the kitchen chatting it up with some folks I met at Biah and Frank’s last get together when Chocolate Tease comes gliding in… lips plump…muscles bulging…eyes mysterious under that tilted hat and he glances my way while bending down to get a corona out of the cooler. From that moment, I have NO idea what ole girl in the kitchen was saying to me. I knew those eyes from somewhere… I’ve seen him before.
He sensed my curiosity and took it upon himself to go ahead and make his move. As he popped open his corona, he smiled at me and said, “So, how you been, ma? You still lookin good.”

Trying to stay cool because I instantaneously remembered how and why I knew him once he opened his mouth, I replied “I’m good papi. How u been?”
So we began chatting it up…right there in the kitchen and somehow ending up on the swing set in the serene and romantic setting of Biah’s back yard. I missed talking to him. About 2 that morning, I figured I should head home, I was getting tired, and the party was getting louder... I figured the neighbors would be calling the cops within the next 15-20 minutes anyways... so I gave him a hug...let him kiss my cheek and my hand. And right before I left, he asked me if I was seeing someone. I wasn't quite sure how to answer that because though I'm single, there is someone in my life that I like... ALOT... and though I really get the feeling he's not feeling me as much, I'd hate to mess anything that "might be" up with him.

But at the same time, I'd hate to wait and wait for my "crush" to come to his senses and ask me to be his exclusively and miss out on what "could be" with Mr. Chocolate Tease. So... i hesitated and told him that I date...but nothing is official. He smiled and gave out a muffled sigh of relief and asked if he could call me sometime. I said sure.... and walked out wondering how it was that we never got together in the first place.


He and I lost touch last year. Between me dealing with TD and trying to figure out what was going on with that…and him just getting out of a 3 year relationship, we just kinda lost touch. The timing was off. I remember the first time we met. TD and I went to club Chaos to get our dance on and He was there with some of his friends. He watched TD and I dance all night long. Everytime I saw him, he was just somewhere in the cut…watching me. What got me about him was that women were actually coming up to him… and he never moved from his spot. I’d see a girl go talk to him…and a few minutes later, she’d walk away. And as soon as she did… he’d take a sip of whatever he was drinking on and gaze back at me and TD. After a while, I began dancing for him. lol I’m not sure if TD even noticed since he was pretty gone. By the end of the night TD’s crazy self was all in the mirrors looking at himself dancing, and holding up his lil arm muscles and measuring them like he was He-man or something… and mouthing the words to whatever song was playing like HE was actually shooting a video or something. I figured he was so gone… he probably didn’t notice me flirting with Mr. Chocolate Tease. When I went to the bathroom, Chocolate Tease followed. By the time I came out, he was right there waiting on me and when he opened his mouth… I couldn’t resist leaning forward and asking him to “repite por favor”. And once again, he begin speaking sweet nothings to me in spanish. His deep sultry voice made it even more inviting. He voluntarily told me what it was he said…though I picked up on a few words anyways… but those 3 minutes of convo was enough for me to know that I didn’t want to walk away from him without having his contact info. So we exchanged numbers and talked for about a month afterwards. He was a great conversationalist…and he always knew what questions to ask to get me to talking. Unfortunately for Chocolate Tease, things with me and TD progressed and he was still on that “I want to take things suuuuuuuuper slow” tip… so eventually…we just kinda lost touch.

Since that Friday that I saw him at Biah’s house though, we’ve resumed our nightly chats…and we decided to get up that next day. So Saturday he and I went out. It was nice. Refreshing even. Honestly, I don’t see it progressing into anything romantic, just because well…. I’m really feeling someone else right now. But I’ll be honest, it felt good to be desired by someone so sexy. I was the envy of everyone at the Cheesecake factory that night. lol All eyes were on him, and his eyes were on me. That made me feel really good.
Anyways…I didn’t realize I was gonna type this much about him…so I’ll continue my other escapades from the last two weeks either tomorrow or Friday. Gone.

Happy Anniversary!

Back to the drawing board i suppose. I was really just getting into the groove of going to bed late and waking up late. lol. I hate that I didn't take today off. It would have been a wonderful day to just sleep in. We had an all-staff meeting this morning that lasted until lunch and honestly, I would have much rather laid in my bed until noon than to be in a darkly lit conference room with about 599 other sleepy co-workers listening to all of the "big shots" talk over my head. Don't they know that I don't/won't comprehend anything other than "hello" and "goodmorning" before 10am? Geez. Oh well. It was actually cool once I got a few hot cocoa's up in me. Maybe tomorrow I'll give you a brief synopsis of what was said. I've realized that I hardly ever talk about work here. And what we do is soooo important.... i think i should start sharing it with you guys.
Anywho...
speaking of work, I celebrated my one year anniversary here not too long ago. It doesn't seem like it's been an entire year at this ole office. It's amazing how time flies. Along with my work anniversary, as of last friday I am also celebrating my one year blog anniversary!! Hooray!!! *insert flips, applause and shouts* My first entry was short:

November 26, 2003
Welcome...Welcome
Well hello world!!!! Can't write now, but I just wanted to introduce myself to the world. This is my first time writing anything about myself really. So this should be great therapy for me...and probably comical for you. I don't know. I think my life is a lot simpler nowadays. If I were to take a chunk out of my life and put it on paper two years ago. It would read like the script from All My Children or something. But hey, life is life. Right?? Well, hopefully we'll get better acquainted soon.
Perfectly Chaotic thoughts by Sway at 8:43 AM


And here's my first "official" entry called NEW BEGINNINGS . (CLICK HERE)

So congrats to me. I am really proud of myself. (if you can't tell by now..lol) Besides men, I've never stuck with anything this long before. So it truly is a wonderful occassion for me. What is funny though is how my life hasn't really dramatically changed since last year this time. It's like, it was completely different earlier this year, but today as opposed to last year this same time, you'd have no idea that any time went by. I'm still at the same job, same church, still single and still needing someone to hold me through the winter. It's crazy. My life has never been this consistent before. I'm not sure if I like that or not. At least I've let some people go in my life...and I've added a few to even things out.

Reminiscing....

I remember last year this time I had just met AM. He and I had a beautiful friendship/relationship. To this day, I don't know many people that can make me laugh as much as he did. I just enjoyed being in his presence. We didn't do much when we were together, but just talking and lounging around made me feel so good. In fact, I don't think anyone has made me feel that comfortable since. But as the saying goes, people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. He was definintely for a season. I haven't spoken to AM since the beginning of september. He just one day stopped calling. No warning, no reason, we just stopped talking. Initially I was hurt because I felt that I lost a great friend. But I began to realize that maybe his purpose in my life had been fulfilled and now that he's gone, God will send someone else in my life that will even surpass the effect AM had on me.

I also remember last year this time that I found myself dating KS and had decided to break up with him. The funny thing about this is that within the last month we've been rekindling our friendship. It's amazing to realize how all that's happened since we were last together didn't affect the relationship we still have, which is very rare. Usually, experiences I've had since meeting a person usually change my opinion/outlook/feelings about them if a huge amount of time has passed since last speaking to them. This is not to say that he and I are going to get back together because I'm not trying to go down that particular road. Sway doesn't backtrack..and if I did... I sure would pick a better relationship to backtrack for. lol. But it is good to at least have him as a friend again.

As I reflect back over my year of blogging... I've learned so much about myself. I've realized for the first time that I am VERY chatty and longwinded. hahaha. I never really knew that. (why didn't ya'll tell me!!) I also realized that though I share alot on here... there's SOOOO much that I never shared. Which kinda bothers me because my sole purpose for starting this blog was to vent and to get out all of the things that I keep bottled inside. If I can't have an outlet here...then where? So.... *sigh* my focus for this next year is to tell all!! I've been a "surface" blogger. I only tell the good...or the day to day happenings of my life. I haven't really even hit the inner soul of me or the major "drama" that unfolds in my life. lol I tell my surface thoughts about things, people and situations but not those thoughts that I keep locked up in my head forever and ever. I guess sometimes getting deep with myself on here is scary because unlike thoughts that you can just push back and forget about....these words will last (and last and last). I can only remember so much of how i felt last year about AM, but because I WROTE it down, I can read exactly what i was feeling at that moment. And in the same respect, opening myself and my heart here will cause me to really take a good look at myself and where I am. It will cause me to face my feelings head on and I think I'm finally ready for that. The bad side about it is that you all will finally see how CRAZY i really am!! lol. So...get ready for me...unaldulterated! Unsensored! You ready? Alright! Let the bloggin begin.

Share my world...

Well tomorrow's thanksgiving and for the first time ever, I'm not really feeling it. Not to say that I'm not thankful for anything because Lord knows I am. But for some reason, I just don't feel like I usually do around this time. Now any other year, I probably would have started naming all of the things I'm thankful for and wonderful people I'm glad to have in my life. But I dunno. I think my other emotions are overshadowing my thankfulness. Like the fact that I am soooo MEGA LONELY.

I'm not in that depressed, crying in the middle of the night, sulking all day, eating ice cream and sour cream & onion potato chips in my pajamas, kinda loneliness though. I'm not sad or desperate. I'm not melancholy or hopeless. I'm quite happy with my life actually, it's just that i'm tired of being happy all by myself. I know it's better than being sad with someone else, but I dunno. I want my cake and eat it too. I want someone to be happy with me. I want to make someone happy. It's like... I'm finally here. I've finally arrive at the place I think I should be this time in my life. I'm happy with myself in every aspect. I'm good spiritually, mentally, physically, even financially. Of course there's ALWAYS room for improvement, but I'm content and very happy with myself right now. I'm happy with my job, with the people at my job, the hours, the benefits EVERYTHING. It's good. I'm happy with my life. I'm happy with my family. I'm happy with my friends. Life doesn't get much better...and yet I'm lonely. It's like... I want someone to share my perfect life with. I want to bring someone into this wonderful life situation I have now and hopefully help improve their life situation too.

It's like... i dunno. Going on a shopping spree by yourself. Sure it's fun, but isn't it so much better when you have someone else there to share it with?

I have all of this happiness to share, joy to bring, money to spend, love to give, and encouragement to speak, yet no one's willing to receive it. And I don't know why. No one ever gets close enough to me to partake in all that I am, all that I have and all that I'm willing to give. So that's what I'm feeling now. I'm feeling lonely... very lonely. And kinda frustrated because I see all of these people around me that are struggling with something in their life and I want to help, I want to pull them up, but it's like they won't reach their hand up for me to help. Sure, they'll tell me about it, but I guess they want to do for themselves. They don't want me to help. Especially if it's financial. Well the men anyways. With my female friends, it's more the emotional things they tell me about but won't allow me to help them with.

I have a few close male friends. And I've noticed that with them it's all about pride. They'd rather sit at home and sulk then let me pay for us to go to dinner and a movie.... or something. I mean, I don't get all worked up over who pays for what. I have never been that kinda person. I just enjoy spending time with people. But it's like the people in my life right now seem to be really hooked on this financial thing to the point where they push me away because they themselves aren't in the best position. But I don't care about that. I don't think both of us should be lonely because you won't allow me to pay for a few things. No I'm not gonna be anyone's sugar mamma...but dang. Please don't push me away and distance yourself from me because I enjoy going out and I wanna go out with YOU but you don't have the money to take me. The way I see it, as long as one of us got it...then both of us got it. Put the ego down for a brief second and have fun with me!! *sigh*
I dunno. That's where I am now. That's what I want now. I'm thankful for my wonderful life, but I'll be even more happy when someone lets me share ME with them. I'll be happy when I meet someone who doesn't mind me sharing all of me. I'm finally in the stage of my life where I feel I'd be a great companion and I have no takers. *shaking head* Anyway... sorry to put a damper on your wonderful thanksgiving. Really I am. I hope everyone has a wonderful thanksgiving. And please pray for me. Gone.

I need some Ritalin.....

Well today is a dreary monday and I can't believe how crunk I am. I usually dislike mondays.... ALOT. The thought of having to come to work and be greeted by piles of papers and new research assignments usually make me instantly melancoly. But today I'm pumped and I don't know why. So much has went/is going wrong today already. First of all, I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but I had decided to grow my perm out in like...february this year. So I got braids and began the long process to going completely natural. Well this weekend, for the first time, I decided that the process is complete and my hair is now where it needs to be in order for me to rock this "natural" do. Man, oh man. What was I THINKING!!! Me. The same person who hates to do hair, the same person who screams with agony when a comb touches her head cuz she's sooooooo tenderheaded, the SAME person who's PERMED hair draw up like some cotton candy as soon as water hits it. Yeah... I decided to do all of this hair business THIS weekend in the rain. *shaking my head* I got my hair pressed and it was all silky and pretty saturday. I looked like I had a nice Mizani or Kera Care Perm.... and I was feeling mighty fine. Proud that I was chemical free.... then I tossed my hair and stepped outside. Instantly my ish turned into a 'fro. From that night, it got worse. Today I look a HOT MESS! A HOT MESS i tell ya. It was so bad when i got up this morning that I was forced to wear a little bandana around it in hopes that the bandana would keep the poofiness down. lol. I feel like the karate kid or somebody. I got the same kinda lil bandana on. Except mine is gold and tan. Anyway... needless to say, waking up to a big puff of hair was enough to put me in a bad mood. But it didn't. Then I got here and everyone started calling me pocohontas. lol. I guess i kinda do have that pocohontas thang going on. lol. Anyway, I got here and realized that I locked my keys in the darn car! AAAAAHHH. So I'm not able to get lunch because I can't drive there. The worst part about that is telling my lunch date that I can't make it cuz I locked my keys in the car like a SPED. *sigh* Oh well.

Then on top of the poofy hair with the karate kid/pocahontas bandana, the fact that it's monday, the pile of work on my desk, and the locked car keys, my stupid computer won't work that well. In fact, I have no idea if it'll even post all this crap i'm writing. lol. My Yahoo IM isn't working...which SUCKS cuz chatting with my online friends is how i get through my day. Then BP erased all my doggone notes for the last week. So I'm bored as all getout because I have no one to blow time chatting with. lol. But nevertheless....I'm CRUNK. *singing that infectious
"lose my breath" song by Destiny's Child* I'm crunk like they just told me I have the week off with pay AND they'll give me a thanksgiving bonus. I'm crunk like I'm married to Boris Kodjoe and Morris Chestnut is my sugar daddy. I'm crunk like Bush didn't win the election.

I don't know. I'm weird. On wonderful sunny fridays, i'll be all sad, but on a dreary, messy monday, I'm tooooo crunk. lol.. dah well. I'm just glad to be alive. Just glad for life. And though it's not nearly where I'd hope it would be, it's still mine to live and have and experience. So yay! I'm off to bounce my poofy hair around and sing "joy to the world" to all my co-workers who already think I'm crazy. lol Gone.

You don't know like I know....

I wasn't gonna write anything today, but I can't pass up an opportunity to tell you how good God is. I went to the doctor about 2 hours ago and I'm just getting back. Ya'll when I say that God is Good, I mean it from the bottom of my heart. I've never talked about my health to anyone but a few select friends. And even then, I'm very vague and cautious about what I say. The only thing that i pretty much talk about on a regular basis is the crazy and random back spasms I get from doing something as normal as bowling or riding a rollercoaster. Anywho... without going into much details, because I honestly feel that I am about to cry right now, I was having some pain in my ovaries a couple of weeks ago. And anyone who know anything about anything would know that ovary pain is NEVER a good sign. Especially when the pain is so great, I could hardly walk straight by the time I got to the doctor. I literally walked in hunched over and holding my lower abdomen. Anyways, when i went to the doctor last friday, they told me that I had a condition which is damaging my ovaries and fallopian tubes and that I had a 70% chance of being sterile because of it. 70% ya'll!!! That's nooooooot what I wanted to hear. Anyways, they gave me some meds to stop the swelling and told me to come back this week so they can assess the damage since they couldn't tell last week due to the enlarged ovaries. Anyway, I went back today and they told me that contrary to what they thought they'd see... my ovaries are now fine and that I should be able to have children with no problem.

I cried and thanked God all the way back to the office. I never really thought about not being able to have children before. Its amazing how much we take for granted. For the past 5 days though, I realized how important having my own child is to me. Nothing will force you to think of how much you love something like having that something become inaccesible to you. I'm so thankful. SO THANKFUL. The entire situation is a testimony in itself. I skipped alot...but just know that God truly worked a miracle in my life!

1 John 5:14-15 - Please go read it. That scripture has been in my spirit for 2 weeks now. I won't quote it cuz i don't know it verbatim...but read it....learn it.... live it.

I hate bell curves....

Well, I had my heart set on writing today. About a bizillion topics swirled around in my head all day and I tried my hardest to work my tail off so that I'd have some free time to somehow transfer those thoughts and events to the blogworld. However, it is now 5:21 and I'm "officially" off work...even though I'm still here. I must really have a jones to write today if I, a.k.a. Miss jump.up.outta.my.seat.and.sprint.to.my.car.at.one.minute.til.5.....actually stayed late PURPOSEFULLY just to write something.

Of course now that the office is quiet and the only thing I can hear is the sound of my nails (which are in dire need of a manicure...any investors??? lol) tapping on my keyboard, I can't really focus on ANY of the things I wanted to share earlier.

But I will say this ...

I shared once that I honestly think that the best part of an event is the time leading up to it. When I said it, I really wanted somehow for my theory to be proven wrong...but since then, my life has been filled with nothing BUT experiences that support this theory. It's like... in relationships... the best part about it is the beginning...when you're not sure if he's gonna call and then he does, and ya'll talk, and ya'll go out... and nothing has been made official. Ya'll just kicking it. You feeling butterflies wondering where this will lead... and wondering if he's thinking about you as much as you're thinking about him. Ya know? That time. In my experience, that's the best time ever. After ya'll kiss, or touch, or sex or whatever it is ya'll do, for some reason, things change... and the climax is never long enough. The whole relationship seems to just dwindle right down. Just as fast as you caught feelings... you all eventually stop sexing...or touching.. or kissing... or going out... or even calling. Before you know it... you guys are strangers again. That bell curve effect i guess. Like a roller coaster you know... it takes you a long time to get up there... then once you're up.... you come down so fast, you don't even know what happened. It sucks. Forget a bell curve... I need a plateau or something. Something that has a long steady high point. Something that doesn't taper off too fast. This bell curve stuff is depressing. Almost like something someone told me when I was young that messed me up for a long time. They were saying that as soon as you're born, you're on the path to death. You're dying daily....with each passing moment putting you closer and closer to the small amount of allotted time you have here on earth. That thing can mess with a doggone 7 year old. I was depressed for a whole week on that ish. You ever seen a depressed 7 year old? Huh? That ish ain't normal.

Anyway... i'm kinda starting to feel like that with relationships. As soon as you meet someone, and ya'll start on that road....you're only getting closer to the end. So for me, it's easier to slow the initial process down. I figure that if we don't date, then we can't break up! lol. Okay, okay. I know I can't live my life like that...but i'm so tired of these month or two month pseudo-relationships. I'm tired of liking someone and them telling me they like me... and we're kicking it hard...then a month or two later... we start tapering off and after about 3 months, we aren't even friends anymore though NOTHING has really happened or changed. That bothers me. I'm tired of it. I mean, I do realize ... even though it's very pessimistic in nature... that EVERY relationship i (and you) will be in for my (your) entire life will fail/dwindle/come to an end except for one (and with the divorce rates as it is, that ONE isn't even guaranteed anymore). We never look at it that way, but it's true. We will separate from every single relationship we ever have except one. And the more people you date, the more depressing and eerie that statistic seems . (ie. date 40 people in your life... only have 1 work out.... or date 39474 people, but only have one work. lol) I dunno. With stats like that, after around the 15th person i date, i'm gonna start wondering if something's wrong with me. Then after the 30th person, I'm gonna start really thinking something's wrong. It's like, dating is designed to make you feel like sh** (excuse my french). Because your self-esteem goes down with each passing person. I dunno. I worry too much. Wait.... i take that back. I'm not really worried about finding that one. I know he's out there. I'm not worried about getting married because I know I will. I guess my thing is that I'm just ready for it to happen. Anxious, i guess. I'm still young... i know. But, I'm just tired of meeting, liking, and then eventually not talking to someone. That whole dating thing is so tired now. I'm tired of that. It's an emotional roller coaster and I'm just ready to call it a day. Ya know? *sigh* Well, I have no IDEA where all this came from... it was definitely not one of those BIZILLION things in my head today. lol. Oh well... i guess it was in there somewhere since it's out now. Anywho... I'm tired... and I am SOOO tired of being in this office. Yuck. Gone.

With so much "eX" in your name, you should be Pro-Black...

Dwele “Mahogany”

Did I tell you how crazy the weather change makes me? I mean… cool weather automatically elicits thoughts of love and all things “couple”. I daydream about cuddling up with a significant other and drinking hot chocolate w/ whipped cream while watching some chick flick by the warm fireplace. (Yeah…I know…I watch WAAAY too many movies. lol ) Anywho… these last few weeks have made me realize that I’m not the only one craving to cuddle with a warm body this winter. I’ve been wanting to write about all of these ex’s that’s been coming back into my life…but it seems to me that Nick has already beat me to the punch. lol I guess ’tis the season to backtrack… dust off that old black book and began making your calls.

Though most of my ex’s and I don’t talk anymore, the fact remains that… with the exception of 2 ex’s… I’m on speaking terms with all of them. I guess this makes it even more reasonable that they would actually try me once again. Most of my ex’s and I broke up and still remained cordial and pretty good friends considering. I like it that way. I hate to burn bridges because you never know what the future holds or when you may need them for something. So I make sure I don’t do people dirty. You won’t catch me behind some tire slashing, window breaking, car door keying shananigans. Lol So in their defense, I’m guessing they got bored/lonely/whatever…and decided that since I’m always cordial, they’d try to explore old avenues.

KS

Okay… I’ve been meaning to talk about him forever. This cat seems to just pop up ever 6 months or so. Lol. Well I think the last thing I wrote about him was that he called me out of the blue one day to say he was thinking of me. This was like… mid august. Okay so that really made my day because remember back around Mother’s day when I saw him, I deemed him “the finest man alive”!! lol Anywho… a few weeks ago around 2 in the morning… he calls.

Me: *in my sleepy/groggy/why in the HECK are you calling this late voice* Hello?
KS: Hey baby
Me: *trying to look at the caller ID with my blind self to figure out why this guy is calling me baby* Hey. Err.. may I ask who’s calling?
KS: It’s me baby, K****.
Me: *excited, confused, and mad that it’s 2 in the morning* Hey! What’s up?
KS: You sleep?
Me: *thinking: Negro don’t i SOUND sleep?* Yeah.
KS: Aight I’ll let you go. I just wanted to hear your voice that’s all.
Me: uh…
KS: What, you shocked cuz I be thinking about you? Yeah girl, I think about you all the time. I just never call. I miss you.
Me: *thinking: Whatever. You must want some* Hmmm.. okay.
KS: Well, I’ll holla at you tomorrow okay?
Me: *thinking: you called me at 2 just to say hi and that you’ll call tomorrow??* Okay, bye
KS: Bye baby.

So since then, he’s been calling me. We don’t talk much, but we talk often. He’ll call to say hi or see how I’m doing. Tell me he miss me and that he really does respect how I broke up with him last year. He claims he’d love to make it up to me one day. I always dodge the hints though. Lol. I usually just change the subject. Last week he finally got bold and stopped beating around the bush. I guess since I talked to him when he called, he figured that I was still feeling him. lol So we talking.. and he just bursts out with “So Sway, you said when you broke up with me that maybe the timing was off… and I’ve been thinking, since I still feel the same way about you as I did the first day we met, I think we should try to start something up again.”

So I’m trying to figure out what to say. To be honest with you. KS and I had a great relationship while together. The problem was that after a while, we didn’t see each other…and I’ll be honest with you. I need attention. If you with me, then um… not seeing you for 2 months is UNACCEPTABLE! lol. So, I thought about it for a moment. I started reminiscing about last year this time and how he and I would go out Tongue~n~Groove on Wednesday nights and salsa dance until our feet turned red. And I began to remember how fun it was to cuddle inside his place after running in from the cold outdoors…and for a minute, I was tempted to try again. But before the words could come out, I began to remember how much I HATE backtracking. I also remembered that though the memories of us are great, my feelings for him have changed. He’s cute, but I’m not feeling him like that anymore. So much time has passed and I’m a different person than I was when I was with him. Plus, there’s someone in my life right now that honestly, I’d much rather see where that leads than to go back to something I’ve already experienced. So I told him that I’d pass on his offer. We chatted for about 3 minutes after that…and I haven’t heard from him since.


DW

I’ve known DW since band camp our 8th grade year of highschool. He and I were thick as thieves all through school and even after we went off to college. The year I graduated from college and broke up with my fiancé of 4 years… I had this sudden urge to just go BUCK.WILD!! I really did lose my doggone mind. For real. But anyway, DW came back from school that summer and we decided to hook up for ole times sake. Make a long story short, for the first time in our platonic friendship, we…err… I saw him and wanted to be more than friends. (DW had expressed his attraction to me looooong before that year, but I wasn’t feeling it. ) Well finally it hit me. So we decided to take the friendship to another level. We kicked it for about 6 months and then we decided that this “relationship” stuff was a little more than we could chew. He was working full time and going to school full time and he had a singing group that took all of his free time. I was working full time myself and volunteering at a children shelter and I was trying to get my singing career together at that time…so we just found it to be too hard to have a real relationship. Well… we both agreed that it was best to stay friends…but I think what he really meant was that he wanted to keep having sex, but without the commitment. I wasn’t feeling that. If we’re friends…then that’s all we are. I don’t do the “friends with benefits” thing. Commit… or hey find someone else to do the biznass with. Anyway… he tried me once after we decided to be friends and I shut him down. A week after that I never heard from him again. b Until this weekend that is. Almost what…2 years later. He calls outta the blue. Saturday night I’m chillin and my phone rings.
He says hey and I’m like…”hey”. I knew his voice instantly. We’d been friends for 11 years. He asks how I’ve been and tried to make small talk to figure out if I was mad at him or not. Lol As usual, I remained very calm and polite. So he figured it would be a good time to tell me that so much has happened to him in the last 2 years and that he wanted to come by and talk to me face to face. I agreed. I wasn’t doing anything but reading, so I figured, why not. About 20 min. later, he’s at my door. I let him in…we exchange hugs as if the 2 years of us not speaking never went by. He began to tell me everything that’s happened to him and blah blah blah. After he finished, I couldn’t help but wonder why after all this time he wanted to get back in touch with me. But even more.. I wanted to know why he stopped calling. I hate not knowing things. I could understand if we had a fight… or if he got another girlfriend or something, but one day we were laughing on the phone and the next, I never hear from him again. That's just crazy. I thought it was the fact that I wasn’t giving it up to him anymore, but I knew in my heart that wasn’t it. That’s not him. So I asked. He gave me some long winded answer about his feelings and how confused he was and etc. I’m still trying to figure out how he ended up with the last words of his speech being. “So Swayla, I’m too old for games, I’m ready to settle down…and you’re the only one I can think of that would make me happy forever. So you wanna give US another shot?”
*sigh* What is it about me that make men not talk to my behind for months or years at a time, then come back and pretty much claim me as their wife? (Example One: Click here)

Now, DW wasn’t asking to marry me…but still, how you gonna completely remove yourself from my life, then come back and expect me to have just been waiting on you all this time? Do they not realize that though I’m not the prettiest, or finest, or smartest ….I CAN brawl with the best of them? I got enough going on to attract a few men. So I don't wait on or for anyone! I dunno. Ex’s are a trip.

There were 3 more ex’s that called me within the last month, but my fingers hurt and I’m tired of typing. It’s just funny how everyone calls at the same time, wanting the same thing. It’s also funny how I don’t want any of them. I don’t like backtracking. It’s messy to me. I like to look forward. Start fresh. Do something new. Oh…maybe tomorrow I’ll tell you a little about this young man that I’m hoping will keep me warm this winter. :) Until then… Gone.

Thought for today.....

Richard Cory
by Edward Arlington Robinson

Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good-morning," and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich - yes, richer than a king -
And admirably schooled in every grace;
In fine we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.


There's no true way to ever know the intents of any one else's heart nor the thoughts in any one else's mind. Just remember that what's happening on the outside may not always be what's happening on the inside. Everytime I come in contact with someone, I keep this simple principle in the back of my mind. I read this poem in 10th grade and I never forgot it. Partly because I realized as the years went by how much Richard and I had in common. I was all smiles on the outside, but inside I was so empty... and the void filled my entire being. I had wished that someone would just look deep enough to see the tears through that big smile plastered on my face... but no one ever did. I guess that's why I am so adament now about really getting to know people beyond the surface. Of course I won't know EVERYTHING, but I've become much more aware that people are not always as fine as they so quickly claim to be. So this weekend, go out of your way to be extra special to someone, even if you don't think they need it or even if they seem to have it all. Never know. Sometimes a simple smile, or hello, or hug can change lives....or even save lives. Have a Blessed weekend everyone!! Gone.

T. ogether E. veryone A. cheives M. iracles

Cocaine IS a helluva drug.

Well... today's the day. Those of us who went to early voting and figured that the 3-6 hour wait to EARLY VOTE was ridiculous and that we might as well have waited until the day of...well...the time is here. I couldn't believe the lines this morning at the schools I pass on the way to work. I don't think I've EVER seen this many people voting. I guess that's one good thing Bush did: he got the people to exercise their voting rights. (lol)

Anywho.....I figured I'd just pitter pat on the computer for a minute since the ole office is pretty empty right now. I guess everyone is stuck in the lines at the polls. Which is good for me because it gives me a chance to talk about some very important issues in my life. Like um...

Did I tell you that I'm in love? Yup, ya girl is HEAD OVER HEELS in love. I'm in love with the grape flavored Juicy Juice. OH.MY.GOODNESS. that juice is SOOOOOOO friggin good. I'm talking about I love it so much I wanna marry it and have its children. (okay, maybe not) But Grape Juicy Juice is the BEST thing since sliced bread. Like for real. I think I've gone through 3 big bottles of it just this week. lol. It's crazy.

Oh yeah, speaking of crazy, this feels like a good time to tell you about my neighbor. Man, where do i begin with him. *sigh* Aight.

I got this neighbor who, if you ask my dad, has ALWAYS been one egg short of a dozen. However, in the last year or so, this brotha has completely lost his mind. I mean, I don't think he's crazy like he's gonna become a serial killer or anything...but he's crazy enough for my parents and our other neighbors to all get together in my back yard and just watch him with awed eyes for an hour. lol.
It all started when my neighbor got caught in a tornado. I have no idea where he was...but last year he was actually in the EYE of a tornado. He explained, "yeah man, (talking to my daddy) I saw all these here trees being uprooted and roofs being torn off of houses and my ole truck was picked up and tossed way yonder, but err-uh, Gawd spared me. And I know that he spared me fo a reason"
So of course being the kind of people we are, my family was very happy to hear that Mr. Neighbor got saved and that he dedicated his life to God. Aight... so at first it just seemed like he was really "zealous" for God. You know the type. The newcomers that go out of their way to let you know that they are saved? He started walking up and down the street preaching err... no... SHOUTING the word of God. At first it was maybe once a week. Then it progressed to every day. Then it progressed to everyday all day. He'd start before the sun came up and he'd put on this LONG black coat (like Neo from the matrix) and this black felt tip hat and he had a cane and he'd walk up and down our street ALL day, from like, 4am. to around midnight...shouting. I guess his route got too short for him because after a while, he started going up to this little country church down the street from our neighborhood. He'd go there around 6am-ish and he'd pray really loud in front of this church. And he'd kiss the ground and jump up and down and do all kind of things. Okay...so we was like...aight..if the man wanna praise God at 6 in the morning in front of this old, all white church then hey...let him. But the old white people was scared of him. So they called the cops on him. The cops warned him about being on their private property...but everyday he'd return. So they finally locked him up for like a day. Anywho...that was just the beginning. Not crazy right?

So about a few weeks later, he figures he'd just stay in the neighborhood. So again, he's praying outside.. loud. Real loud. Surprisingly no one complained...even though I know it was keeping everyone up, cuz it was keepin me up. lol. Then one night around 11pm. I hear this noise. I'm like WTH? It sounded like someone was ringing some church bells. So I'm laying in my bed like...there IS no church close enough to me for me to hear banging this loud and clear. And besides, it's 11 PM. So after about 10 straight minutes of this, I'm like dang...this is annoying, so i turn my fan on high, put some cotton balls in my ear and went to sleep. I woke up the next morning and all was pretty quiet on the western front. So I asked my parents about it and they said they didn't hear anything. So the next evening when I came home, my mom was like, "ya'll neighbor is crazy". lol. So I laughed because my dad has been saying that for years. But this time, well....my mom was serious. So I asked her why she said that. She was like... "I don't know WHAT that man doing back there in the back yard, but he's been beating on something ALL DAY LONG. It sounds like he's hitting metal or something. I don't know what he doing, but i was to scared to go back there to find out."

Not long after she said this, here he go again. Beating and beating and beating. We sat in the kitchen for a good 30 minutes listening to him bang on what seemed like metal. Finally I got tired of listening and turned on the television. So this goes on for about a month. Everyday, he bangs on this thing in the backyard. Sometimes in the 3 in the morning... sometimes at 3 in the afternoon. Well we finally got tired of it and decided to confront him about it because NONE of us was getting any sleep. And the noise was so friggin annoying. So my dad goes over to the neighbr's backyard where he was still beating on something... and he stayed for about an hour, then came back. So of course me and my mom are all eager to see what he said. This is my dad's account of what happened.

Dad: Hey *insert name* What's goin on man?
Neighbor: Hey Chuck. How you doin man.
Dad: Well not to good *insert name* I came over to see what all this noise is.
Neighbor: I know man, I know. I'm sorry man. But I gotta do this. Man, people are out to get me.
Dad: *looking confused* People?
Neighbor: Yeah. Every since that house burnt down over yonder, people have been tapping my phones, shooting at my house, and you seen them unmarked cars coming down our street man, man I know they just coming 'round here watching me.
Dad: *trying not to laugh*
Neighbor: I beat on this pole as a warning. I want to let everybody know that they shooting at me. They trying to kill me. I need some help man. I don't know who to trust....I
Dad: Hey, Hey, so why don't you just call the police? If "they" are shooting at you...then why don't you just call the police.
Neighbor: Man, the police are in on it too. And Rick. I think Rick is heading all this up. You know he used to work for the CIA.

(sidenote: Rick is our 80 year old other neighbor...who's a retired policeman and can hardly talk let alone head up a conspiracy against crazy man here)

Dad: Well man, I don't know what to tell you, but you gotta stop all this banging. You keeping me and my family up with all that.
Neighbor: yeah, my wife says the same thing. *sigh* But she don't understand. They ain't tryin to kill HER! *haaaaaaa. classic.* They shoot at ME everyday!
Dad: Well man, where's the bullet holes man.
Neighbor: *pointing at absolutely NOTHING but the wood on his house* Right here and right here. Don't you see how they've almost shot a hole straight through the back of my house? They shoot at me everyday man. I gotta let people know. I gotta beat on this pole. My life depends on it.
Dad: Man, i'own see NOTHIN! *getting a little freaked out by our neighbor*
Neighbor: You don't see that?
Dad: No.
Neighbor: *pausing..contemplating* Um... come in my house for a minute. I wanna show you something.
Dad: *pausing...contemplating on going in this crazy man's house* Uh for what?
Neighbor: *walking towards the front of the house* I want to show you something amazing.
Dad: *reluctantly following* Alright.

Neighbor: *pointing at brick fireplace in their house* So, do you see that?
Dad: What? The fireplace?
Neighbor: Naw man, right there. You don't see that face staring back at us? Those eyes follow me all day long.
Dad: *thinking WTH?* Naw man. I don't see it.
Neighbor: What about the Cross right there? Or the angel right over there? You see that right?
Dad: Naw.
Neighbor: Hmph. My wife doesn't either. I don't know why.
Dad: *trying hard not to laugh and call him crazy in his face* Me neither man, but i'mma get on back to da house. I just stopped by to ask you not to beat that pole anymore. You gotta find another way to work that out.


So that's that. And actually since that day, I only heard him beat the pole once. So that's progress right? Well in that aspect. But NOW this man is outside in the front yard. Screaming at the top of his lungs. Why you ask? Welp. He says that the AIRPLANES are out to get him now. *sigh*

*sidenote*
So, with the exception of my college years and the 2 years after college, I've lived in the same house with my folks for most of my childhood years. Our neighbors moved in about three years after us... so they've been there for more than 10 years as well. Now one of the FIRST things I've noticed about our neighborhood is that airplanes are ALWAYS flying around our house. This isn't some new phenomenon. I remember counting airplanes for fun as a youngin (yes, that's just ONE of the signs of a lonely only child). They just fly over our house. No biggie. But ALL of a sudden.... they are OUT TO GET HIM!!

So now, everyday, he's out side walking around his house with his hands up crying and looking up to the sky sreaming "WHY! WHY GOD! WHY! WHY ARE THEY FLYING SO LOW!" lol.

It's sad really. We've also caught him outside saying other phrases like... "WHAT! WHAT GOD! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME! WHAT IS IT! WHAT IS IT!" lol. I think he said this one first after throwing those big orange cones..you know, the ones that are used when they are working on the street...yeah those... well he was throwing them at the Bellsouth truck that came to work on the phone lines around our house. According to my mom. Our neighbor came out and started screaming in the front yard. The Bell South man got freaked and started packing up. So the neighbor threw the cones at the back of the truck as it was leaving. Then continued to ask God "What does he want". Why ...you ask? *shrug* Beats me. The man has lost it. Those kinda questions should be asked in the privacy of your own home... or if you just GOTTA be outside, then at least use your "indoor" voice for the neighbor's sake. lol

Whew... i know it was long...but i had to get it off my chest. I feel bad for his wife and children. They know he crazy. lol. Oh well. I guess crazy people need love to. Anywho... i gotta do some work now... so i'll writel later. Gone.


"Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."
~Abraham Lincoln

Gashes, Dreams, and Jumping Jacks

So today is hump day and I’m feeling pretty good. Despite this big gash I somehow acquired on my hand this morning, I’m feeling wonderful. I’m still trying to figure out how I cut myself today. All I remember is, I was turning onto I-20 at Wesley Chapel this morning and I saw blood trickling down my right hand. It was kinda scary because it caught me off guard. I wasn’t expecting to look down and see blood. So I got a paper towel out the glove compartment and wrapped it around my knuckles to stop the bleeding until I got to work and got a chance to put some antiseptic on it. *looking at my hand now* It still looks kinda bad, like I got in a street fight or something. What’s really working my noodle now is HOW could I get such a bad cut and not remember it? My mind MUST have really been focusing on something crazy.

I think I was trying to figure out my dream from last night. I’m one of those people that actually try to find meanings in my dreams. Honestly, most of the dreams I vividly remember are so disturbing and clear that they need no interpretation. But this one, well some of the details are kinda sketchy however, I’ll try my best to interpret the part I was thinking about this morning.

I was writing yesterday about the “journey” that has just ended in my life. Well this “journey” was with a nice person I’ve affectionately called “BG”. BG and I have been kicking it for a little over 2 months now and while I thought that there may have been more of a future than just these last 2 months….it was recently confirmed that our ride pretty much stops here at the friendship level. Hurt… a little, disappointed…yes, mad... not at all. But I think the fact that this entire confusing situation between us has been on my mind lately... is the reason for my dream.

My dream started with (well let’s just say this is the first thing I remember) me driving at like 95mph on a dark street towards BG’s house. I had tears in my eyes and I was having this really funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was determined to get to him. The closer I got to his house, the more my foot became like lead on the gas pedal. I don’t remember getting to his house or going in really, but I remember being in his foyer and hearing his voice talking with some female. I became more nervous because it was 11pm and I hadn’t told him I was coming over. I turn the corner and see him with his back turned towards me in the kitchen. He was still talking to her, and though she was right there, I couldn’t see her because she was blurry. Within 2 seconds of me entering the kitchen, he turns around and slightly jumps because he wasn’t expecting to see me standing in his kitchen, unannounced, at 11pm with tears in my eyes. After his initial surprise, he suddenly grew angry. I guess because he realized the reality of the situation. So he said “What are you doing here? Why didn’t you call fir…” and before he could finish “going off” on me, the tears that had welled up in my eyes began to fall. I knew I was wrong for just “showing up”…but I didn’t want the first words out of his mouth to be so negative. A simple, “Are you okay” or “what’s going on, what’s wrong” would have sufficed and eased the knots in my stomach. But he wasn’t really concerned with that. He, with good reason, wanted to know why I was there and hadn’t knocked, or called, or anything. I couldn’t talk. Well I tried, but nothing came out but tears… and in between sobs I ran to him and hugged him tight and said that “I just needed a hug… and you were the only one I knew that can hug me and make me feel safe” So I stayed there with my arms wrapped around his waist and my head pressed against his chest so tightly I could hear the blood circulating in and out of his heart. But he didn’t hug me back. I cried and I held him, but he just stood there… looking at her. The blur in the corner. I can’t remember if he finally hugged me back or not…but that part of my dream really got to me. BG and I are friends. Good friends honestly. Even though the “relationship” part of our journey is over, I still see him as one of my closest friends. So, WHY would I just barge over to his place like that? In real life, I’d never just drop over someone’s house like that. ESPECIALLY not at no 11pm. Shoot… aint no telling who’s up in there and what they’re doing. And WHY wouldn’t he hug me back? Even if he WAS mad at me, as a friend, why wouldn’t he just hug me back…especially after seeing what kinda state I was in. Another thing that bothered me that he was the only one I felt I could call on to ease my anxiety. All these friends I supposedly have, why was he the only person I could get a hug from? I really wanna know what this dream is about. Any takers? I dunno ya’ll .. I told you… sometimes I be taking this dream thing to a WHOLE nother level. lol I almost asked BG about it this morning…like it really happened or something. lol I guess it really got to me this morning to the point that I darn near chopped my hand off and didn’t even know it. lol.

Oohh… man, lemme tell you about what happened to me yesterday! *holding my head down and shaking it* Ugh this is so freakin embarrassing. Aight... *sigh* I go to LA fitness about 3-4 times a week after work, right. So on Tuesdays, I go to the Cardio Kickboxing class, which is pretty fun…and it gives me a great workout. There’s this little short stalky black guy named Ricardo that usually teaches it. Well yesterday he was out so we had a sub, who apparently didn’t get the memo that this was KICKBOXING class not JUMPING JACKS, JUMPING ROPE, AND RUNNING class. So she’s running in the classroom talking about “okay class, lets do 480684383 jumping jacks after we jump rope for 34938437 minutes.” So you know, I’m like, aight, honestly all this jumping isn’t really for me. So I’m frowning up and shifting my weight from one leg to the other trying to figure out how I’m gonna do all that for the next hour and 15 minutes.
sidenote:For those of you all that have actually SEEN my physical makeup you would agree that me jumping up and down could cause me to accidentally punch my own eye out. (lol)

Anywho… Sway doesn’t run, she doesn’t do jumping jacks, and she doesn’t jump rope… even though she likes to …she just CAN’T. (you know it’s serious when I began talking about myself in 3rd person. lol) But err… *looking around* yesterday, um... I was feeling a little intimidated by all these people hopping all around me like it wasn’t NOTHING and it was very EVIDENT that I would stand out if I didn’t just go along with the routine. So I began doing my jumping jacks. *BIG MISTAKE* At first, I’d stop after about 10 of them and hurriedly adjust my sports bras to contain “all of me”. Then I’d continue on. The jump roping and running part was not as bad as the jumping jacks. Even though I looked like a COMPLETE RETARD trying to run in place with my hands all close to both sides of my chest, it actually did help stop all of the “extra movement”. So about 10 minutes before class is over, I’m feeling pretty good about making it that far through the workout and I was also tired from all that jumping, so I began to let my guard down a little. Well we’re running and my hands are suddenly dropping a little lower and the extra movement began to start. So I stop running. Simple right? Well she was like.. “okay… last set of jumping jacks lets goooooooo”… so after my quick breather from running and a fast glance at the clock I figure, okay, I’m on home stretch now. I’m gonna give it all I got. So there I was, jumping high, working it out. When all of a sudden, “plop” …my goodies decide that they didn’t want to stay in the jar any more. The right one just decided it needed some air and without my permission , it went on ahead and let itself out. I was SOOOOO friggin embarrassed!! It came out mid air and by the time I landed on the floor and it came crashing down too, I had the most terrified look on my face. So I bent over really fast, put the baby back in its crib, force two quick coughs (hoping people thought I just bent over cuz I had to cough)… and turned around and left class. I have no idea if anyone saw…but the 3 of the 4 walls in the class are mirrors and the 4th surface is the window and glass door to rest of the gym. So there was NO hiding. lol.. Ugh.. I’m going back tonight. I think I need a wig and some shades or something just in case someone saw me. lol. I definitely don’t wanna be know as the flasher.

Oh well.. it happens I guess. I’ve learned my lesson. Lol. Alright I’ve rambled enough. I gotta get back to working. Gone.