I shut my apartment door and let out a long sigh of relief as I leaned up against it.
Finally home.
My parents act as if they aren’t going to see me everyday all day for the next 5 days in the cabins. I am soooooo not looking forward to this.
I strip off my Church clothes as I make my way to my closet. I hadn’t even started packing yet…and we were supposed to be leaving in a few hours. Church wasn’t that great. We visited a small C.O.G.I.C. Church up the street from my parent’s house. They sang old songs that no one knew but them, and the preacher did a lot of hoopin’ but had no real "message". I knew I should have stayed home and packed like I wanted to.
5 days in a cabin…with 32 other family members. Lord help me.
I begin throwing some things in my suitcase when my phone rang.
“Babygirl?”
“Yeah.” I said back. I was thinking…who else would be answering my phone mom? I live by myself.
“Well I got some news… your uncle just got up to the cabins and the people up there can’t find our reservations. I just wanted to let you know. You might wanna hold off on the packing until they can sort it out.”
“Wow. Okay then. Well just let me know.” I hang up.
YES! I plop down on my couch and begin flipping the stations. I really didn’t want to go in the first place. But I had psyched myself up to make the best of the next few days with my family. I’m sure parts of it would be fun. Plus I was kind of sad for my folks. Mostly everyone was excited about it. I felt bad for feeling relieved.
About an hour later, my mom said that my uncle ‘nem (lol) were heading back home. Apparently they still couldn’t find record of us reserving a cabin. And even if they did, we wouldn’t be able to stay because they were all booked.
Well, I got my wish. No cabins to reminisce about Usher in. Hooray!
I bummed through the rest of the night. Doing nothing but watching tv and eating ice cream by myself.
So this is what it’s like to not have a second job huh?
I like it.
Dec 24th Christmas Eve
10am
Text message
“So how are the cabins?”
I wiped my sleepy eyes and stared at the text again. Usher. He has a way of not calling a lot so I can remember that we’re not together, but calling enough to remind me that he’s still around.
“Didn’t go. I’m @ home.” I text back.
Within seconds my phone is vibrating vigorously.
“So your plans fell through too huh?” He smirks.
“What you mean by ‘too’?” I sit up and prop my pillows on my back. I love not having to get up right when I wake up.
“My daughter’s not coming for Christmas like we planned.”
“What!” I exclaimed. I’m now fully awake. He’s been planning this since last year. “Why isn’t she coming?”
“Well…Her momma tried that fu** sh**. Tambout she’ll let me get my daughter if I think about reconciling with her. She trying to get back together and sh**. I ain’t with that. I done told her. I’m done. So I told her if that was the terms…then I guess I wouldn’t be seeing my daughter. It’s no biggie. I’ve been by myself for Christmas before.” He said non-chalantly.
“That is a mess!” I whispered. I didn’t know what else to say. I know him well enough to know that although he's playing the "I don't care" role, this is really getting to him.
“So you want some company? I got the whole week off. I guess I’ll go to my folks house tomorrow for dinner.” He rambled.
“Uh….sure. Okay.” I scrambled out of bed. I rushed to the living room while we talked. My place was a mess! I worked sooooo hard all last week, then the weekend was spent shopping and hanging out. I hadn’t had time to clean. My half-packed suitcase was still in the middle of the floor.
I have 7 minutes.
I rush to brush my teeth, wash my face and privates and put my hair in a quick puff.
I open the door and hug him. He smelled of nice cologne, mint, and green. I knew he had some on him.
“Hey baby.” He cooed in my ear.
Why does he still call me baby. It's sooooo not what I need to hear when we're no longer together.
“Hey” I coolly replied and sat on the couch.
I still love him. I hate that I’m in love with him.
“So where’s my present?” I joke.
“Right here.” He says pointing to the bag of green he pulls from his pocket.
Very funny. He knows I don’t smoke.
“So you gonna smoke with me today?” He joked.
I have no idea why I said yeah, but I did. I just felt like doing something crazy.
He was stunned!!!!
Actually, I was stunned too. Did I just say that? lol
“For real?” He looked in my eyes…searching for a hint of laughter.
“Yeah. For real. It’s the holidays… I don’t have anything to do. Why not.” I rationalized.
In hindsight, it was a DUMB idea. I guess I’m not as mature as I’d like to think.
So we sat on the couch watching old re-runs of something and got high.
Correction: I got high.
He’s been smoking for almost 20 years. He doesn’t get high anymore. But me… well it was an experience from hell!
I laughed my behind off at absolutely NOTHING for about 15-20 minutes and I really couldn't stop. Like, the more I tried to stop...the funnier everything became. Then I finally came down. But not “down” in the back to normal sense. No, no, no. I mean “down” like… the BLUES down.
A sista was LOW! I started crying uncontrollably. I mean I felt like I was having an outer body experience. I was asking myself “Why in the heck are you crying?” But the more I tried to figure it out, the more I cried.
I finally “came to” and realized I was squeezing the life out of Usher’s waist….as if I didn’t want him to ever leave. I quickly let him go and looked at his face. He had tears on his cheeks too.
“Why are you crying?” I asked him.
His eyes were red and he was staring at the TV.
“Because I know I hurt you Sway.”
That’s all it took to send me over the edge again. I was a wreck. Although we both agreed to stop seeing each other, we both know that it hurt me the most to be put in the situation of letting it go. I'd still be with him if he would just do the one thing I asked him to do. I don’t know how long I cried…or what else was said… or when he left…or how I got to my bed. But I woke up around 6pm. My home phone was ringing.
“Hello”
“Babygirl, you still sleep? What time you planning on coming over here? You know your daddy’s waiting on you to put up the tree!”
“What tree ma?” I question. I was confused. We didn’t have a tree.
“The tree yo’ daddy got today since we're not going to the mountains. We can’t have Christmas here with no tree! Now get up and come on. Bring your clothes 'cause you staying over tonight.”
“Yes ma’am”. I hang up.
Dang!
I get up and feel much better. I guess I slept my high away. I hurriedly pack my stuff and dash out the door.
My parents’ house looked festive. I was just here yesterday and it looked like a regular house. My dad has been busy!
The rest of the night felt like Christmas Eve. I wrapped presents, decorated the tree, sang along to my favorite Christmas tunes, and of course helped my mother cook Christmas dinner.
I get ready to lay down after this long, awkward day and see that I have a text. It was from Usher.
“So, now that you’re probably back to normal, are we still on?”
On? On what? What was he talking about?
“I WILL NEVER SMOKE EVER AGAIN IN LIFE!” I vowed!
“On for what?” I texted.
“For dinner tomorrow. I asked if you’d come to Christmas Dinner with me and my family. You said yes earlier...so?”
Oh no!
I called him. After sitting on my bed for 5 minutes focusing on today’s…now yesterday’s craziness…. I do remember him asking me about going to dinner. I also remember being really serious about going. Dang. This is a dilemma.
So…I’m supposed to tell my family who wants me to be with them that I’m ditching them to go to dinner with a man I’m still in love with but separated from whose family is in denial and wants us to get married. Is that it?
On one hand I really wanna go. I mean, I’ve been down this holiday season because I wanted to spend my Christmas with him, and now I can. But on the other hand, we’re not together and my whole family will be at my parents house…how can I not be there?
“I told my mom and aunt that you were coming with me. They were so happy. I think my mom bought you a present and was gonna mail it to you…but now you can just get it.” Usher said.
“Um…okay. I’m only going to stay for a second because everyone will be at my house, so I gotta get back. I’ll drive myself.” I find myself saying.
We hang up and I drift off to sleep thinking about how to tell my folks that I’m spending Christmas with my ex.
To be continued...
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