Sleepless night

I cried last night.

I was in my bathroom taking out my contacts when I noticed that my ear lobes were dirty. lol

Well not like…filthy dirty. But you know, I wear earrings a lot and I just felt like it was a good time to disinfect my earlobes with alcohol. So I’m rubbing my ears and looking at how weird it looks to just have little holes in my ear. I know it’s common but do you ever think about the things we do to ourselves? I mean really, I let someone pierce my skin all the way through. Twice?!? Anyways, ya’ll know I’m random.

So I’m looking at my ears and out of nowhere…this image of my grandmother pops in my head. She died last April during heart surgery. When we were allowed in to see her body we were all amazed at they way she looked. Anyone who knows someone who has had heart surgery can tell you that dramatic changes happen. My grandmother’s face was HUGE. Her lips…cheeks…neck... eye lids...everything was swollen. But the thing I rembember most was the cotton balls in her ears.

They were stained with blood.

When my aunts and mom saw this, they asked the doctor, “What happened? Why was she bleeding out of her ears? Was she in pain? Oh God, please noooo!”

Apparently during/after her death, some of the blood from her body drained there.

I remember being in awe. Just staring at her ears. At the cotton balls. Just like the cotton balls I had to my ears last night with alcohol.

Just like that, I felt an uncontrollable sob jab at the base of my throat and I couldn’t contain it. I miss my grandmother so much. We have the same dry, wrinkly hands. The same fine hair. The same big eyes. I see sooooo much of her genes when I look at myself in the mirror.

There was so much I never got to say to her. So much I wanted her to see. I think of all the things she missed in the last year and I break down even more.

We all have our thoughts on what happens to a person once they die. Mine varied the older I got. Now, I’m not as sure as I used to be. I mean, as a Christian, I do believe in a Heaven and Hell. I’m just not so sure that’s where people go right when they die.

I’m not sure of much anymore.

It’s crazy how the older I get, the less I KNOW.

Wherever you are Grandmamma, know that I miss you dearly. Rest in peace.