There has been talk.
Some talk.
More talk than I’d like.
Talk of us separating.
Every other week it’s something with TG. One week he makes plans for us to just go to the courthouse and get married that Friday… and the week after, he’s taking a step back to make sure this is the best thing for all of us. Some days he’s soooooo sure and soooooooo ready. Other days he claims to be, but I can see the uncertainty in his eyes. I mean, it’s never been a time where I questioned his love…and never been a time where we hated each other… There’s never been a time where he’s said he wants out… or a time where he thought twice about wanting to marry me. It’s just that… with all of the issues dealing with his kids and his ex….we both wonder if all of this is worth fighting for. We both wonder if we’re ready for all this NOW. We both wonder if we should just…separate for a while.
But then... we get together... he and I and the kids... and they draw cute pics of TG and I during church services...and write "I love Sway and Daddy" all over their papers... and he and i lock eyes and know...this is OUR family. We all fit. We all love each other. We all want it to work. We're at peace again. We know we'll be fine. We know they'll be fine. We know it'll all work out. And as the onlookers gaze at the 4 of us...all they can say is... "ya'll are such a cute family".
*proud smile*
So of course…there has been more talk.
A lot of talk.
Talk of us getting married. How can we toggle between getting married one week and calling the entire thing off the next is beyond me. Well actually... it IS me. lol. I'm the one always trying to take a break. Trying to make sure he's ready. Trying to tell him to weigh his options. Making him really think about if this is what he wants. Making sure this is really what I want. I guess i dont want to get hurt. I guess i want him to KNOW that he KNOWS. I don't want any surprises. But i'm done with that now. Enough is enough. I'm done..."what if"-ing. I'm ready. Not just to love him and be faithful to him...but i'm ready for it all. To be a mother of a 6 and 7 year old. To be a minister's wife. To be his partner in the music ministry. To be the daughter of a Bishop. To have 4 more siblings. To explain to all my male friends that they can no longer call me after 8. To refer to myself and my stuff as "US", "We" and "Ours". To deal with an ex wife that still wants TG back. I'm ready for it all.
And i know that he is too.
So ...
TG talked to his Pastor about how with each passing day it becomes harder and harder for us to function out of two different households. It's almost a NEED for us to go ahead and marry. It would be cheaper...easier to start the ministry God's placed in us, much more convenient for all of us...better for us morally, and it would solve alot concerning the children.
His Pastor suggested that we go through a month or two of intense counseling and let him marry us if we’re still ready after counseling. TG loved the idea. Me...*shrug* it's cool. My only gripe is that I know that even if his…err… OUR (still working on that "we/us/our" thing) Pastor marry us, we still wouldn’t have a wedding until MUCH later. I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. We’ve talked about that a lot too. And still there's no cut and dry answer. I'm ready to be married...but I'm still kinda old fashioned. I want to get MARRIED at my WEDDING. Not be married and then have a wedding later.
So...that's where we are. Decisions…decisions. Either way, we’re starting counseling next weekend. I’ll keep you posted.
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