At this Big Age...

I'm 44 now and I'm finally starting to come into my own.

I feel like I've grown more these last 2 years then I have my entire life. Here's what I've realized.

• I don't know myself. As much as I have worked on myself over my adult life... I've learned that I don't know ISH! I've done things that I never thought I'd do. And I've stopped things that I always thought I'd do. I have been challenged with real life choices that went against my beliefs. I've had my paradigms shifted by new and different information and experiences. I realized how closed I was to ideas and ways of life that didn't align with what I thought was successful, or perfection, or moral. I've been stretched, challenged, and tested. Some I passed...some I failed. Life has its way of humbling you. But what I've learned is that I should never judge anyone else and their experiences. I also learned that there's a process to BECOMING ME. I haven't arrived. I don't know who I am fully because I'm not done evolving yet. I don't know myself yet. I only know aspects of me. I am still developing...even at this big age.

• The key to happiness is learning to accept. I've always had trouble with not being in control or in the know. I feel most at peace when I'm in control. When I know what's going on, I feel like I can influence things and make ISH happen. I feel lost and out of sorts when I think my hands are tied. But life has taught me that I am not GOD. I don't know it all and I can't control it all. The more I remember this concept and accept that I can't bear the weight of the world, the happier I am. Your thoughts of me... is none of my business. Those million and one problems y'all have...has nothing to do with me. Staying in my lane and accepting that what will be will be...has freed up so much space in my mind and so much cortisol from my belly! lol I can't worry about things I can't control. I accept who people are, what people do, how people move... and adjust accordingly. This has led to much more happiness and less stress!

• Relationships are a teacher. You want to know who you are? Look at your relationships. Every interaction with another human being will tell you more about yourself than anything and anyone else. Look at how you respond, engage, commit, speak, show up, react when things don't go your way, compromise, think, and feel. What kind of parent are you? Boss? Co-worker? Friend? Child? Spouse? Community member? Cousin? Sibling? Do you people say the same thing about you as you say about yourself? Do they all see a different version of you...or is the chatter pretty consistent. Who are you? Look at those around you and you can get a pretty good picture. I've learned that we all have blind spots that everyone else can see but us. Instead of dismissing everyone else as being wrong... I've learned to embrace it and work on that thing they see but I'm not aware of. I ask trusted loved ones how I can be better...and learn from the corrective criticism. Learn from those around you. It'll change your life.

Well I thought I didn't have anything to say...

 I've actually been to this blog several times in the last few years. I just haven't posted anything. Where do I start? Where do I end? Life comes at you fast. There's no way to update all that happens day in and day out without actually posting day in and day out.

So here I am. Not posting... or better put, posting a non-post. Let's see what comes up....

*crickets*

This past 12 months I have experienced a sort of...mid-life crisis. I never thought those were real. I only thought that it happened to 50-year-old white men who were balding and bored with their stay-at-home wives.

I don't have time for a mid-life crisis. I don't have the energy... or the mental space for it. Yet here we are... spazzing the heck out! Internally of course.

On the surface, all looks well. Usher and I are still married. My bonus daughter is now 27. Isn't that the wildest thing you've ever heard? She's older than I was when I started this blog. Mind blowing!

I have a great job, beautiful home, parents are retired and doing well. I get to travel, eat well, enjoy my girlfriends, do what I want basically and yet... I feel unfulfilled.

My birthday is coming up next week. My birthday last year marks the last time I saw my Father-in-Law alive (he died August 3rd), and the last time I received a text from my work bestie (she died August 8th). They made the 3rd and 4th "life changing" deaths I experienced last year. It literally changed me. 

I couldn't stop thinking about all of their lives and how they chose to live...what they did...how they did it.

I felt like I had been shortchanging myself for years. I've been living a safe life on auto-pilot. Waiting for some magical day when something amazing would happen. I took a long hard look at my life and realized how much I lived for others, pleased others, sacrificed for everyone else, and took care of them over myself and my needs. I realized that I didn't do half the things I wanted to do. I didn't even really know what it was I wanted to do.

I cried.

Not like a quick tear flowing cry... but a deep guttural wail... an uncontrollable sob... a cry from the deepest place in my soul...that lasted for days...

Weeks...

Months...

Almost a year. :(

And... I'm still crying. 

No really... I literally came here to post because I can't stop crying at work. I cry about 3 times a week during the middle of the day...to the point I have to go to the restroom or outside just to stop. And I cry about 5 times a week at night in the dark before I go to bed. 

I don't know how to stop it. I feel so empty. So alone. Even with all the wonderful people and support... I feel like I've wasted so much of my life. I feel like I haven't experienced enough. I'm tired of being the good girl, loyal woman, faithful dependable person who is everything to everyone. 

I don't feel like I get that same energy. 

I know people love me. But it doesn't feel like the same love I give to them. And when I took the time to start looking back on my life and my decisions... I can't stop crying.

I started reflecting on so many different aspects of my life. My childhood took more of a toll on me than I ever realized. Here I was thinking that I was okay, but I'm starting to realize that most of my personality, action, and thoughts are trauma responses. I am an anxious attacher who people pleases because I thought that was how you get love.

My romantic relationships have all been with narcissist who attached to me ... probably because I'm an  empath...and because I exhibited low self esteem tendencies when I didn't even realize it. I don't feel that I have ever been properly loved for who I am... because I didn't even know who I was really.

This past year has been a journey for me. I've been trying to find out who I am and who I want to be.

I started reading books and researching things that have helped me identify how a lot of my life choices were made from fear, hurt, faulty paradigms, generational ignorance, and lack of confidence in myself.

This year I've tried to correct things... and I've made some really great decisions. I've had some hard conversations with my husband, my parents, and myself. I've stepped out of my comfort zone and sat in some uncomfortable seats. 

I've changed. Permanently changed. I can't go back to being the woman I was. She's gone. Whether it's for the better or not is yet to be seen. Because I've also made some really, really bad decisions this past year too. Some of my "corrections" were "overcorrections" and it turned me in a completely different direction than where I feel I should be going. I have regrets...but at the very least... it's nothing that I can't turn back around from. I may take a while, but I'll get to HER. The woman I can be proud of. The woman that I can be confident in and non- apologetic for.

I have faith that I will eventually get to the better!

Right now... just pray for your girl. This mid-life crisis thing is WILD!

Intentional

Look at me being all intentional and stuff! lol

I WILLED myself to remember and write in this blog before the year was out.  So proud that this old noggin remembered and complied!

Of course now that I am here.... ion have anything I actually want to write about. lol  OF COURSE!

Well...this is a start. Let's see if I can make it a three-peat! 

Predictable

Well, if nothing else...

I

AM

PREDICTABLE!

3 year gap between my posts. How predictable! 

I actually thought about the blog in 2020, but then the world changed. What's really important in life became spotlighted during the Pandemic.  You saw the good, the bad, and the ugly of humanity. 

Raw emotions, panic, loneliness, and pain. 

You also saw compassion, peace, togetherness, and reflection.

Nothing but time for many of us to deal with our thoughts and our family.  Thing we swept under the rug... 

For others, it was a time of complete chaos. Healthcare and grocery store workers putting their lives on the line everyday...working unimaginable shifts. Seeing the best and the worst in others...

2020 was a year like no other. 

Politics polarized us. Divided us. Tore friendships. Exposed hearts.

Ahmaud Arbery, George Floyd, Breonna Taylor....  Angered us. Broke our hearts. United us and divided us.  Black Lives Matter. 

On top of that we watched our loved ones suffer. Hurt. Die. Loose Jobs. Loose families. Turn to alcohol. Go stir crazy. 

We watched, we prayed, we protested, we hoped. 

Then 2021 came...and we were ready to put 2020 behind us.  

But 2020 couldn't be forgotten.  It had changed EVERYTHING.

I thought about this blog in 2021 too. But I didn't know what to say.  So much had happened. So much was still happening.  Vaccine or nah? Masks or nah? Vacation or nah?  

When will I get my stuff? What's going to happen when unemployment benefits run out? Should I go to the doctor for a check-up or wait some more? Who's going to watch the kids when I return to the office?  

People were dealing with soooo much! How do you write it all in a post...

I know 4 close ladies who got divorced in 2020.  It seemed that all that time to reflect... all that togetherness in the house can expose some things. 

Either it brought you closer or tore you apart... i don't believe 2020 left anyone the same as they were.

I am grateful that Usher and I survived...and thrived. I was blessed to work from home and as an introvert, I loved EVERY MOMENT of that.  Usher actually started his own business during the pandemic and it is still going strong. Thank GOD!! We were blessed to not be negatively impacted by the pandemic and I am so humbled and thankful that our families weren't either.

We lost a fellow blogger last year to COVID. 

FAVE was beautiful.  A friend, a minister of the gospel, a comedian, and a truly talented singer/songwriter. He will be missed and never forgotten.

I lost quite a few people over these last few years. It's sobering to know that I'll loose so many more as the years keep coming.

It makes you think of your own mortality. I've had a few scares these last few years.  I've realized how fragile life is and how precious.  I'm learning to appreciate each and every day... each and every breath. No day is promised. Seize each moment and make a positive difference.

I started by saying that I am predictable.  It's true. I jump from topic to topic... I never proof read, I always come back here. lol

But that's about all that is predictable. Life isn't. The world isn't. Nothing else really is. We must embrace change and try to thrive in the revised plan or we will lose. I pray that you all are still well...still here...and able to maneuver in our new normal. God Bless!

Realizations

Well, Well, Well....

What do we have here?

Around 1 am this morning, I was going through my usual routine of preparing for bed and out of NOWHERE my mind was like....

Perfect Chaos

I hop on the bed, get out my phone and typed in all that I could remember to see if my old blog was still around.

SUCCESS!

For the next hour and a half, I scrolled through the last 10 years of posts, wondering where the time went.  I had several Aha! moments during that time.

1.   I seem to be averaging a comeback every 3 years. *SMH* I don't know why its so hard for me to remember this space.  I love what I have here. I realize how much I haven't recorded that I would have liked to, but I am also grateful to have memories and accounts of other random things.

2.  Something else I realized last night this morning while scrolling through posts. I HAVE VISITORS!  OMG....ya'll I felt so bad when I realized that people actually still read my posts even after I fell off.  Ya'll were still commenting and I had NO IDEA.  The last few years I logged on, wrote my post, and never looked back! *sigh*

First off, I wanna say SORRY! lol  I'm a horrible blogger!  A part of why I stayed up so long              reading was because I wanted to go through your comments. Thank you all for the encouraging          words and dedication to my journey!  I guess it is better late than never! I am hoping that I can            remember before 2021 that I have a blog and start back writing more than I have been.

Do I say that every time? lol

My bad.  I do have good intentions.  I just genuinely forget that I'm a blogger for days...weeks         months...years...

But I always come back. :)   Hopefully you all are still here. :)

3.  I tend to remember my blog around this time of year.  I read a lot of posts referencing my Dad's      birthday, which is actually next week. *shrug*  Maybe this old noggin is not so random after all.        Speaking of my dad, this birthday is extremely special because he is about 4 months CANCER            FREE! What a strong, beautiful man he is!  I so proud of him and how he fought through fatigue        and pain, while still working and teaching Sunday School at his Church.  That man is definitely a        blessing to me. His life is a testimony of how faithful God is and how to go through life's                    adversities like a BOSS!

4.  I am such a scatterbrain! lol  I'm also not that great at proofreading. *smh*  I could hardly concentrate because I kept saying to myself, "that is spelled wrong" and "what was I trying to say here?" lol  I admit, I just get on, type, and hit post.  I rarely proofread anything.  Ya'll were probably like, "this poor girl can't type for sh*t!" lol

Anyways... I'm glad to be back.

Usher and I are still married.  It will be 7 years in September.  Can you believe it?  We over here living well and thriving and ish!  I realize how blessed I am that it all worked out. I look back on our journey and am amazed at how different our relationship is now.

I realize now that I met Usher fresh off a broken engagement....and he was fresh off of a divorce.  We were each looking for something different. I wanted to get married after being so close.  He wanted to play around after being married for 10 years FRESH outta high school.  Despite our differences, but both found ourselves in something that neither of us were quite happy about.  Years later he confessed that he knew he wasn't ready for commitment and marriage after being hurt the way he was by his first divorce, but didn't want to let me go because he knew I was a rare find *not to toot my own horn, but "toot" lol*

I told him that was selfish of him to string me along for so many years.  But I was dealing with my own insecurities and fears.  After being left with no explanation really, I just wanted someone to stay. I just wanted to be chosen and kept....even though it wasn't the relationship I felt I deserved.  We were co-dependent and dysfunctional for many years.  It took me a long time to realize it.

I had a heart to heart with him when I turned 30.  I had given him 5 years of my life and I was finally ready to say "Sh*t or get off the pot".  I loved him with everything I am, but something about 30 made me want to get my entire life together.  I told him how I felt.  I told him that I felt like he used me financially.  I didn't think he loved me.  I felt like we were both settling because we were both hurt by someone leaving us.  I told him that I can't love him for the both of us.  I told him that if he doesn't show me the love I feel I deserve, then we should move on.

After 5 years of dilly dallying.  He realized that I was right.  He admitted he took advantage of my kindness initially.  He admitted his hate for women after what his ex did.  He admitted he was afraid to go all in, so he kept sabotaging this relationship. For the first time, we had an open and honest conversation about a lot of things.

He said that I was wrong about his love though.  He loved me. He didn't want to break up.  He wanted to take things to the next level and move in together.  He wanted the opportunity to show me that he can be a provider and protector.  He wanted a do-over.

I gave it to him.

It's amazing how different a man can be when he's all in.

Now, we're in our 7th year of marriage...13 years together.  Of course we are still who we are. Yin and Yang.  Not everyday is perfect. We still have fundamental differences that we argue about, but when I say this thing did not work out the way it was supposed to and I am so BLESSED it didn't!  We were NOT supposed to work.  But we do.  We are perfect for each other.  I've grown so much with him and he's grown so much with me. 

He got his grown man on and I love it!

Ain't no jumping from odd job to odd job BIH! He got a good job with life insurance and a 401K!

Ain't no putting his boys before me BIH!  He's home chilling with me...enjoying the good life we've built!

Ain't no laziness BIH!  He cutting grass and fixing floors!

Ain't no taking advantage of his lady BIH! He bought me a brand new Benz and is helping me pay off my student loans!

When I say this man has changed his tune and put his money where his mouth is! I am extremely pleased with his progress and his dedication.

Does he still do dumb ish? Yep. lol

Does he need to work on his romance? Fa' Sho!

Will I prolly be back on here venting about what he did?  No doubt!

But I am a living witness that prayer changes PEOPLE and things.  The good far outweigh the bad in our marriage and I have no one but GOD to praise for that.

Sorry this whole post was about Usher. lol

I do have other things going on... but they'll have to wait.  I gotta finish up some work.  I think I'm going to do something different this time around.  I'm going to send myself a reminder on my calendar to come back next week and write.  Let's see if that works! lol

Until then....


ps. I didn't proofread this either so sorry for any typos!

Chaos Perfected

So....it took me FOREVER to remember how to log into blogger.  It keeps wanting me to link with Google and I REFUSE to do that. 

Nope.

No traffic is needed here!  I love having a place I can come and spew out any little thought that passes through this noggin of mine. 

Earlier this year I read through some of my posts and was astonished.  I never realized how young, naïve, and immature I was. lol  I couldn't believe that I felt and thought the way I did.  It's amazing how one can grow and change.

Nevertheless, I appreciate having a tangible way of accessing some of my memories from years past.  I'm so grateful for the experiences and wisdom that life has given me over the years! 

I celebrated my 37th birthday yesterday and I couldn't be happier!  Not because everything is perfect in my life...but more so because I've finally learned to accept things as they are and celebrate the moment.  I feel as though I used most of my vibrant twenties trying to catch love and be hostage to it.  I wanted so badly to be married and have kids....to move out on my own...to loose weight...to "start life" for a lack of a better term.  Of course now I realize that I wasted so many years looking ahead and wishing instead of enjoying the present that laid before me.  Oh if I could turn back the hands of time! *sigh*


Life has taught me that I'm not in control of anything except my reactions to situations in life. 

I've had so many friends pass away around my age that my own mortality frequents my thought more than I would like.  Of course my first reaction is to shake it off.  But the reminder does help me realize how short life can be.  It forces me to be grateful for every single moment on this earth.  It makes me appreciate where I am and what I have.  Living in the moment has helped me embrace the chaos around me and look at it for what it is.  No need to worry.  Experience has taught me that God will always take care of me.  I'm perfecting my perception of chaos and I couldn't have done a better thing for myself! :)


I've decided that I won't apologize for not blogging.

In the past, I'd scold myself for not recording more of my life and giving more updates as I once did.  But I realize that I'm often too busy living to stop and record every little detail.

I've also decided I will never stop blogging.  Finding these posts have inspired me to continue living, learning, experiencing, and growing. Whenever BlogSpot comes across my mind, I hope I can find a way to remember my password and just post whatever I'm feeling that day...that year... that moment. 

Today....it's gratefulness. 

Fullness.

Peace.

Until next time.

Time is flying, but my eggs are chillin

It's amazing how time flies! I started this blog over 10 years ago.  I had just started working at the Cancer place.  I was young, cute, single, and BORED outta my mind. lol

Now, I barely have time to remember that I have a blog. lol  I guess blogging in this manner has kinda went out of style with Twitter and Instagram keeping everyone involved in everything....at all times.
Surprisingly, I refuse to be a part of either! lol  I like the anonymity of blogging.  Being exactly who I am and telling all my business, but not having anyone really "know" me.

I guess it's my therapy. Letting out what I don't say in real life.  Telling stories not everyone knows about me. Being free to be me!

I realize now that I'll never be into blogging like I was 10 years ago.  However, I'm so glad to have this blog and to see where I was and how I felt at certain times in my life.  I hope to post SOMETHING for as long as I'm alive...just to leave my little piece of legacy.

My two cents.

A glimpse of someone passing through this world.

So much has changed over the last few years.  Usher and I are still married and I'm so glad i didn't give up on that knuckle headed security guard I didn't really like in the beginning. HA!
You never know how life will twist and turn.  I'm happy.  We're happy together.  I don't regret any of it. Not even the breakup. :)

Our biggest challenge right now is fertility.  Specifically speaking...my fertility.

I've had 2 miscarriages over the years with Usher and they've been devastating.  I so desperately want to create a child from our love together, but that's proving to be harder than expected.  I went to see a specialist after the last one to see what may be happening and I got even worse news.

My tubes are blocked.  Huh??
Apparently, although I HAD two miscarriages (which means I got pregnant), I can't actually get pregnant because the test showed that my Fallopian tubes are both completely blocked.

Someone PLEASE explain that to me? lol

How is it that I come for one thing and leave with another problem that contradicts the initial problem altogether?!?

Anywho... the doc does an ultrasound and thinks that my fibroids may be the cause of the blocked tubes and suggests I get them removed.

So last year I had a successful myomectomy.  We re-tested my tubes after my surgery and found them to still be blocked.  The doctor waited a couple of months later for one last test before suggesting IVF and found that they were open.  Hallelujah!!  So now I'm thinking....YAAAAAAAS!  It's about to go down!

Well it's May and guess who's still not pregnant!  *raising hand*

I'm so frustrated although I know it's in God's hands.  It's just hard to see something that's so easy for everyone else, be such a struggle for me.  I know this is our test and ultimately our testimony, so I'm trying to stay positive and believe that God will do it! But I'll be honest, it's not easy to keep the faith.  After all of this, I've been charting and taking ovulation tests as directed by my doctor and the tests don't show that I'm ovulating!  WHAT!!!

Lord Help! Take the wheel!

What a miracle baby this will be and what a story to tell when we finally have a little one.

Through fibroids, adenomyosis, myomectomies, blocked fallopian tubes, and anovulation, I believe I'm going to get pregnan. Then once I get pregnant I believe I'll have a healthy baby...even through low progestrone, repeated miscarriages and a high risk pregnancy due to age and PCOS.  WHAT A MIRACLE HE OR SHE WOULD BE to overcome all of that to get here.

I'm ready to tell that testimony!  Keep us in your prayers!