Well I thought I didn't have anything to say...

 I've actually been to this blog several times in the last few years. I just haven't posted anything. Where do I start? Where do I end? Life comes at you fast. There's no way to update all that happens day in and day out without actually posting day in and day out.

So here I am. Not posting... or better put, posting a non-post. Let's see what comes up....

*crickets*

This past 12 months I have experienced a sort of...mid-life crisis. I never thought those were real. I only thought that it happened to 50-year-old white men who were balding and bored with their stay-at-home wives.

I don't have time for a mid-life crisis. I don't have the energy... or the mental space for it. Yet here we are... spazzing the heck out! Internally of course.

On the surface, all looks well. Usher and I are still married. My bonus daughter is now 27. Isn't that the wildest thing you've ever heard? She's older than I was when I started this blog. Mind blowing!

I have a great job, beautiful home, parents are retired and doing well. I get to travel, eat well, enjoy my girlfriends, do what I want basically and yet... I feel unfulfilled.

My birthday is coming up next week. My birthday last year marks the last time I saw my Father-in-Law alive (he died August 3rd), and the last time I received a text from my work bestie (she died August 8th). They made the 3rd and 4th "life changing" deaths I experienced last year. It literally changed me. 

I couldn't stop thinking about all of their lives and how they chose to live...what they did...how they did it.

I felt like I had been shortchanging myself for years. I've been living a safe life on auto-pilot. Waiting for some magical day when something amazing would happen. I took a long hard look at my life and realized how much I lived for others, pleased others, sacrificed for everyone else, and took care of them over myself and my needs. I realized that I didn't do half the things I wanted to do. I didn't even really know what it was I wanted to do.

I cried.

Not like a quick tear flowing cry... but a deep guttural wail... an uncontrollable sob... a cry from the deepest place in my soul...that lasted for days...

Weeks...

Months...

Almost a year. :(

And... I'm still crying. 

No really... I literally came here to post because I can't stop crying at work. I cry about 3 times a week during the middle of the day...to the point I have to go to the restroom or outside just to stop. And I cry about 5 times a week at night in the dark before I go to bed. 

I don't know how to stop it. I feel so empty. So alone. Even with all the wonderful people and support... I feel like I've wasted so much of my life. I feel like I haven't experienced enough. I'm tired of being the good girl, loyal woman, faithful dependable person who is everything to everyone. 

I don't feel like I get that same energy. 

I know people love me. But it doesn't feel like the same love I give to them. And when I took the time to start looking back on my life and my decisions... I can't stop crying.

I started reflecting on so many different aspects of my life. My childhood took more of a toll on me than I ever realized. Here I was thinking that I was okay, but I'm starting to realize that most of my personality, action, and thoughts are trauma responses. I am an anxious attacher who people pleases because I thought that was how you get love.

My romantic relationships have all been with narcissist who attached to me ... probably because I'm an  empath...and because I exhibited low self esteem tendencies when I didn't even realize it. I don't feel that I have ever been properly loved for who I am... because I didn't even know who I was really.

This past year has been a journey for me. I've been trying to find out who I am and who I want to be.

I started reading books and researching things that have helped me identify how a lot of my life choices were made from fear, hurt, faulty paradigms, generational ignorance, and lack of confidence in myself.

This year I've tried to correct things... and I've made some really great decisions. I've had some hard conversations with my husband, my parents, and myself. I've stepped out of my comfort zone and sat in some uncomfortable seats. 

I've changed. Permanently changed. I can't go back to being the woman I was. She's gone. Whether it's for the better or not is yet to be seen. Because I've also made some really, really bad decisions this past year too. Some of my "corrections" were "overcorrections" and it turned me in a completely different direction than where I feel I should be going. I have regrets...but at the very least... it's nothing that I can't turn back around from. I may take a while, but I'll get to HER. The woman I can be proud of. The woman that I can be confident in and non- apologetic for.

I have faith that I will eventually get to the better!

Right now... just pray for your girl. This mid-life crisis thing is WILD!

Intentional

Look at me being all intentional and stuff! lol

I WILLED myself to remember and write in this blog before the year was out.  So proud that this old noggin remembered and complied!

Of course now that I am here.... ion have anything I actually want to write about. lol  OF COURSE!

Well...this is a start. Let's see if I can make it a three-peat! 

Predictable

Well, if nothing else...

I

AM

PREDICTABLE!

3 year gap between my posts. How predictable! 

I actually thought about the blog in 2020, but then the world changed. What's really important in life became spotlighted during the Pandemic.  You saw the good, the bad, and the ugly of humanity. 

Raw emotions, panic, loneliness, and pain. 

You also saw compassion, peace, togetherness, and reflection.

Nothing but time for many of us to deal with our thoughts and our family.  Thing we swept under the rug... 

For others, it was a time of complete chaos. Healthcare and grocery store workers putting their lives on the line everyday...working unimaginable shifts. Seeing the best and the worst in others...

2020 was a year like no other. 

Politics polarized us. Divided us. Tore friendships. Exposed hearts.

Ahmaud Arbery, George Floyd, Breonna Taylor....  Angered us. Broke our hearts. United us and divided us.  Black Lives Matter. 

On top of that we watched our loved ones suffer. Hurt. Die. Loose Jobs. Loose families. Turn to alcohol. Go stir crazy. 

We watched, we prayed, we protested, we hoped. 

Then 2021 came...and we were ready to put 2020 behind us.  

But 2020 couldn't be forgotten.  It had changed EVERYTHING.

I thought about this blog in 2021 too. But I didn't know what to say.  So much had happened. So much was still happening.  Vaccine or nah? Masks or nah? Vacation or nah?  

When will I get my stuff? What's going to happen when unemployment benefits run out? Should I go to the doctor for a check-up or wait some more? Who's going to watch the kids when I return to the office?  

People were dealing with soooo much! How do you write it all in a post...

I know 4 close ladies who got divorced in 2020.  It seemed that all that time to reflect... all that togetherness in the house can expose some things. 

Either it brought you closer or tore you apart... i don't believe 2020 left anyone the same as they were.

I am grateful that Usher and I survived...and thrived. I was blessed to work from home and as an introvert, I loved EVERY MOMENT of that.  Usher actually started his own business during the pandemic and it is still going strong. Thank GOD!! We were blessed to not be negatively impacted by the pandemic and I am so humbled and thankful that our families weren't either.

We lost a fellow blogger last year to COVID. 

FAVE was beautiful.  A friend, a minister of the gospel, a comedian, and a truly talented singer/songwriter. He will be missed and never forgotten.

I lost quite a few people over these last few years. It's sobering to know that I'll loose so many more as the years keep coming.

It makes you think of your own mortality. I've had a few scares these last few years.  I've realized how fragile life is and how precious.  I'm learning to appreciate each and every day... each and every breath. No day is promised. Seize each moment and make a positive difference.

I started by saying that I am predictable.  It's true. I jump from topic to topic... I never proof read, I always come back here. lol

But that's about all that is predictable. Life isn't. The world isn't. Nothing else really is. We must embrace change and try to thrive in the revised plan or we will lose. I pray that you all are still well...still here...and able to maneuver in our new normal. God Bless!

Realizations

Well, Well, Well....

What do we have here?

Around 1 am this morning, I was going through my usual routine of preparing for bed and out of NOWHERE my mind was like....

Perfect Chaos

I hop on the bed, get out my phone and typed in all that I could remember to see if my old blog was still around.

SUCCESS!

For the next hour and a half, I scrolled through the last 10 years of posts, wondering where the time went.  I had several Aha! moments during that time.

1.   I seem to be averaging a comeback every 3 years. *SMH* I don't know why its so hard for me to remember this space.  I love what I have here. I realize how much I haven't recorded that I would have liked to, but I am also grateful to have memories and accounts of other random things.

2.  Something else I realized last night this morning while scrolling through posts. I HAVE VISITORS!  OMG....ya'll I felt so bad when I realized that people actually still read my posts even after I fell off.  Ya'll were still commenting and I had NO IDEA.  The last few years I logged on, wrote my post, and never looked back! *sigh*

First off, I wanna say SORRY! lol  I'm a horrible blogger!  A part of why I stayed up so long              reading was because I wanted to go through your comments. Thank you all for the encouraging          words and dedication to my journey!  I guess it is better late than never! I am hoping that I can            remember before 2021 that I have a blog and start back writing more than I have been.

Do I say that every time? lol

My bad.  I do have good intentions.  I just genuinely forget that I'm a blogger for days...weeks         months...years...

But I always come back. :)   Hopefully you all are still here. :)

3.  I tend to remember my blog around this time of year.  I read a lot of posts referencing my Dad's      birthday, which is actually next week. *shrug*  Maybe this old noggin is not so random after all.        Speaking of my dad, this birthday is extremely special because he is about 4 months CANCER            FREE! What a strong, beautiful man he is!  I so proud of him and how he fought through fatigue        and pain, while still working and teaching Sunday School at his Church.  That man is definitely a        blessing to me. His life is a testimony of how faithful God is and how to go through life's                    adversities like a BOSS!

4.  I am such a scatterbrain! lol  I'm also not that great at proofreading. *smh*  I could hardly concentrate because I kept saying to myself, "that is spelled wrong" and "what was I trying to say here?" lol  I admit, I just get on, type, and hit post.  I rarely proofread anything.  Ya'll were probably like, "this poor girl can't type for sh*t!" lol

Anyways... I'm glad to be back.

Usher and I are still married.  It will be 7 years in September.  Can you believe it?  We over here living well and thriving and ish!  I realize how blessed I am that it all worked out. I look back on our journey and am amazed at how different our relationship is now.

I realize now that I met Usher fresh off a broken engagement....and he was fresh off of a divorce.  We were each looking for something different. I wanted to get married after being so close.  He wanted to play around after being married for 10 years FRESH outta high school.  Despite our differences, but both found ourselves in something that neither of us were quite happy about.  Years later he confessed that he knew he wasn't ready for commitment and marriage after being hurt the way he was by his first divorce, but didn't want to let me go because he knew I was a rare find *not to toot my own horn, but "toot" lol*

I told him that was selfish of him to string me along for so many years.  But I was dealing with my own insecurities and fears.  After being left with no explanation really, I just wanted someone to stay. I just wanted to be chosen and kept....even though it wasn't the relationship I felt I deserved.  We were co-dependent and dysfunctional for many years.  It took me a long time to realize it.

I had a heart to heart with him when I turned 30.  I had given him 5 years of my life and I was finally ready to say "Sh*t or get off the pot".  I loved him with everything I am, but something about 30 made me want to get my entire life together.  I told him how I felt.  I told him that I felt like he used me financially.  I didn't think he loved me.  I felt like we were both settling because we were both hurt by someone leaving us.  I told him that I can't love him for the both of us.  I told him that if he doesn't show me the love I feel I deserve, then we should move on.

After 5 years of dilly dallying.  He realized that I was right.  He admitted he took advantage of my kindness initially.  He admitted his hate for women after what his ex did.  He admitted he was afraid to go all in, so he kept sabotaging this relationship. For the first time, we had an open and honest conversation about a lot of things.

He said that I was wrong about his love though.  He loved me. He didn't want to break up.  He wanted to take things to the next level and move in together.  He wanted the opportunity to show me that he can be a provider and protector.  He wanted a do-over.

I gave it to him.

It's amazing how different a man can be when he's all in.

Now, we're in our 7th year of marriage...13 years together.  Of course we are still who we are. Yin and Yang.  Not everyday is perfect. We still have fundamental differences that we argue about, but when I say this thing did not work out the way it was supposed to and I am so BLESSED it didn't!  We were NOT supposed to work.  But we do.  We are perfect for each other.  I've grown so much with him and he's grown so much with me. 

He got his grown man on and I love it!

Ain't no jumping from odd job to odd job BIH! He got a good job with life insurance and a 401K!

Ain't no putting his boys before me BIH!  He's home chilling with me...enjoying the good life we've built!

Ain't no laziness BIH!  He cutting grass and fixing floors!

Ain't no taking advantage of his lady BIH! He bought me a brand new Benz and is helping me pay off my student loans!

When I say this man has changed his tune and put his money where his mouth is! I am extremely pleased with his progress and his dedication.

Does he still do dumb ish? Yep. lol

Does he need to work on his romance? Fa' Sho!

Will I prolly be back on here venting about what he did?  No doubt!

But I am a living witness that prayer changes PEOPLE and things.  The good far outweigh the bad in our marriage and I have no one but GOD to praise for that.

Sorry this whole post was about Usher. lol

I do have other things going on... but they'll have to wait.  I gotta finish up some work.  I think I'm going to do something different this time around.  I'm going to send myself a reminder on my calendar to come back next week and write.  Let's see if that works! lol

Until then....


ps. I didn't proofread this either so sorry for any typos!

Chaos Perfected

So....it took me FOREVER to remember how to log into blogger.  It keeps wanting me to link with Google and I REFUSE to do that. 

Nope.

No traffic is needed here!  I love having a place I can come and spew out any little thought that passes through this noggin of mine. 

Earlier this year I read through some of my posts and was astonished.  I never realized how young, naïve, and immature I was. lol  I couldn't believe that I felt and thought the way I did.  It's amazing how one can grow and change.

Nevertheless, I appreciate having a tangible way of accessing some of my memories from years past.  I'm so grateful for the experiences and wisdom that life has given me over the years! 

I celebrated my 37th birthday yesterday and I couldn't be happier!  Not because everything is perfect in my life...but more so because I've finally learned to accept things as they are and celebrate the moment.  I feel as though I used most of my vibrant twenties trying to catch love and be hostage to it.  I wanted so badly to be married and have kids....to move out on my own...to loose weight...to "start life" for a lack of a better term.  Of course now I realize that I wasted so many years looking ahead and wishing instead of enjoying the present that laid before me.  Oh if I could turn back the hands of time! *sigh*


Life has taught me that I'm not in control of anything except my reactions to situations in life. 

I've had so many friends pass away around my age that my own mortality frequents my thought more than I would like.  Of course my first reaction is to shake it off.  But the reminder does help me realize how short life can be.  It forces me to be grateful for every single moment on this earth.  It makes me appreciate where I am and what I have.  Living in the moment has helped me embrace the chaos around me and look at it for what it is.  No need to worry.  Experience has taught me that God will always take care of me.  I'm perfecting my perception of chaos and I couldn't have done a better thing for myself! :)


I've decided that I won't apologize for not blogging.

In the past, I'd scold myself for not recording more of my life and giving more updates as I once did.  But I realize that I'm often too busy living to stop and record every little detail.

I've also decided I will never stop blogging.  Finding these posts have inspired me to continue living, learning, experiencing, and growing. Whenever BlogSpot comes across my mind, I hope I can find a way to remember my password and just post whatever I'm feeling that day...that year... that moment. 

Today....it's gratefulness. 

Fullness.

Peace.

Until next time.

Time is flying, but my eggs are chillin

It's amazing how time flies! I started this blog over 10 years ago.  I had just started working at the Cancer place.  I was young, cute, single, and BORED outta my mind. lol

Now, I barely have time to remember that I have a blog. lol  I guess blogging in this manner has kinda went out of style with Twitter and Instagram keeping everyone involved in everything....at all times.
Surprisingly, I refuse to be a part of either! lol  I like the anonymity of blogging.  Being exactly who I am and telling all my business, but not having anyone really "know" me.

I guess it's my therapy. Letting out what I don't say in real life.  Telling stories not everyone knows about me. Being free to be me!

I realize now that I'll never be into blogging like I was 10 years ago.  However, I'm so glad to have this blog and to see where I was and how I felt at certain times in my life.  I hope to post SOMETHING for as long as I'm alive...just to leave my little piece of legacy.

My two cents.

A glimpse of someone passing through this world.

So much has changed over the last few years.  Usher and I are still married and I'm so glad i didn't give up on that knuckle headed security guard I didn't really like in the beginning. HA!
You never know how life will twist and turn.  I'm happy.  We're happy together.  I don't regret any of it. Not even the breakup. :)

Our biggest challenge right now is fertility.  Specifically speaking...my fertility.

I've had 2 miscarriages over the years with Usher and they've been devastating.  I so desperately want to create a child from our love together, but that's proving to be harder than expected.  I went to see a specialist after the last one to see what may be happening and I got even worse news.

My tubes are blocked.  Huh??
Apparently, although I HAD two miscarriages (which means I got pregnant), I can't actually get pregnant because the test showed that my Fallopian tubes are both completely blocked.

Someone PLEASE explain that to me? lol

How is it that I come for one thing and leave with another problem that contradicts the initial problem altogether?!?

Anywho... the doc does an ultrasound and thinks that my fibroids may be the cause of the blocked tubes and suggests I get them removed.

So last year I had a successful myomectomy.  We re-tested my tubes after my surgery and found them to still be blocked.  The doctor waited a couple of months later for one last test before suggesting IVF and found that they were open.  Hallelujah!!  So now I'm thinking....YAAAAAAAS!  It's about to go down!

Well it's May and guess who's still not pregnant!  *raising hand*

I'm so frustrated although I know it's in God's hands.  It's just hard to see something that's so easy for everyone else, be such a struggle for me.  I know this is our test and ultimately our testimony, so I'm trying to stay positive and believe that God will do it! But I'll be honest, it's not easy to keep the faith.  After all of this, I've been charting and taking ovulation tests as directed by my doctor and the tests don't show that I'm ovulating!  WHAT!!!

Lord Help! Take the wheel!

What a miracle baby this will be and what a story to tell when we finally have a little one.

Through fibroids, adenomyosis, myomectomies, blocked fallopian tubes, and anovulation, I believe I'm going to get pregnan. Then once I get pregnant I believe I'll have a healthy baby...even through low progestrone, repeated miscarriages and a high risk pregnancy due to age and PCOS.  WHAT A MIRACLE HE OR SHE WOULD BE to overcome all of that to get here.

I'm ready to tell that testimony!  Keep us in your prayers!

Clumsiness

Woo-hoo!  I'm blogging and it hasn't even been a month since my last post!  That is definitely progress. *cheesing and doing the wop*

So yeah... I really don't have much to say.  Just thought I'd get myself in the habit of logging on.  I keep forgetting my password.   I was completely lost for a while.

FALLING

Today I call myself doing my power walk.  I've gained so much freaking weight that I've re-joined the gym and started walking after lunch for about 15-20 minutes at work.  Well today I decided to walk outside since its like...65 degrees outside.  Absoulutely beautiful!  Anywho... I'm walking around my work campus and feeling pretty good.  I go to jog up the stairs on my way back into the building and whap out of nowhere I stumble on the top stair and fall TO THE GROUND! Oh my!  That HURT. I can't remember the last time I scraped my knee.  I'm waaaay too old to be falling on the freakin concrete stairs.  You know my knee gonna be all sore tomorrow. lol

I don't know if I was more embarrassed or hurt.  I have no idea if someone saw me because the building has those reversible mirror looking walls.  You can see out...but looking in just looks like a mirror.  I tried my best to get up real quick, but my daggone knee and hand was hurting like crazy.  Oh... I'm too old for this ish.  And how the heck do you fall UP the stairs as a grown woman?  Really me?  Really?!?

So I get up and act like I'm not hurt.  Go in the building and head straight up to my floor.  When I get back to my desk, I look at my knee and there's a big bloody gash on the right one. 

GREAT!

How am I gonna be sexy for Valentine's day with a big bloody gash on my knee?  And I know it won't be gone by then because...


HEALING

I have diabetes.  :(  Yep.  I was diagnosed like January of 2011.  I'm not to the point where I have to take insulin or multiple meds.  But I am on one pill a day...which is one pill more than I want to take.  So... you know... I'm managing.  Trying to get healthy.  The hardest part is... all of it.  The stereotypes from others, the weight management, exercise, the "diet".  Blah!  I've been trying my best to eat right and work out and I've gained 5 freakin pounds.  What's up with that!

Okay...well I'm on my way home now to see if Usher will take care of my boo-boo and drive us to the gym. 

I still gotta work it!

Laters, baby :)

PS.  I love 50 shades of Grey. :)