My Butterfly

Man it's early! *yawning*

I haven't been to work this early in a while. It still looks kinda dark outside. I bet the coffee's nice and fresh this time of morning. I think I'm gonna get some. I don't do coffee much, but once I get on a roll, I stay there for about a week. Be right back...

Okay I'm back. *sipping the coffee of the day* I saw my boss on the way down to Starbucks and she actually tagged along and treated me. Woo-hoo! Maybe today will be great. I've always heard that the early bird catches the worm. I've never been one to test that theory though. *shrug*

So if you haven't noticed, I've been in a bit of a writing funk. I don't know if it's laziness or what, but I've been wanting to talk about some things for about a month and still haven't blogged about it. I don't know why. I log on here...watch the cursor move for about a minute... and log off. Thing is, I know exactly what I want to say, I just don't feel like typing. Is that lazy? I think it is. I guess that's the good thing about blogging... I can do it when I feel like it. And just chill when I don't.

*sipping*

Things have been going aight in the land of Sway. My momma's getting on my last nerve as usual. My dad and I are now carpooling since his truck clonked out on him last Friday. It's a good thing we don't work too far away from each other. He drives my car, I sleep. Can't be mad at that. The only thing that slightly bothers me is the fact that I paid for my bus pass already this month. I feel like I'm losing money by not riding it. Lord knows I don't have any extra money to spare. Usher is out of a job. AGAIN. *sigh* What the heck is up with this? Am I dating a loser? Is that what's happening?

As quiet as it's kept, I am very frustrated with his inability to keep a job. I love him dearly, but he is a mess! I've tried being supportive, I've tried the tough love and still, after 6 or 7 months of working somewhere, it's a wrap for him. Now this particular job I knew was temporary, but still. He has rent due. He has bills. He has a child in Kentucky. My freaking birthday is coming up. He needs money and to me, it doesn't seem like he's trying hard enough.

Not that he's not trying at all. Which I guess I should be happy about. But I just feel like for him to be out of work for 3 weeks, he should be hitting the streets with his resume every single day! I don't know if I'm being hard on him this time because of his track record. I mean, he's applied for a few jobs and has had 3 interviews and still nothing. Can I blame him for that? I do. I'm not sure I should, but I do. I'm like... try harder! I guess because I know if he doesn't get a job soon, he's gonna be looking at me for financial support. Been there, done that. I don't like it. I guess I'm cool with that once or twice, but I think my irritation comes from the fact that every 6 months or so, we have to go through this crap. Why can't he just get a job like normal folk and work? I don't get it.

*sigh*

I think that's my only gripe with him these days. The job thing. And he's such a smart man. I just really don't get it. I've been talking to him lately about how I really think it's time for a life change. He's not young anymore. He needs stability in his finances. He has responsibilities and no one is going to take care of him while he's out in the street. The streets are good for quick money and large sums, but it's so fickle. You can't bank your life off of what's out there. It's too wishy washy. It seems like maybe he gets it now. That street life was fine at 22, but dude you're now in your 30's. Grow the hell up.

But despite my feelings about that, we've been doing pretty well together. He's been making it and he's been in an uncharacteristically good mood for someone with no money. Usually he's mean and grouchy and just blah! But he's been quite engaging and fun lately. Even though we've had no money, we've managed to enjoy each others company. Since he's not working, we've been able to see a lot of each other. He cooks for me some nights when I get off work. We went to play put-put for about $6 on Saturday. We went to the batting cages and played arcade games like 12 year olds. We even had free tickets to the zoo and upon getting there, found out that they were closed for the day (which resulted in us getting 2 more free tickets). So we'll be able to do that sometime soon. We've been to the park and just enjoyed chillin together. We play fight and watch crazy movies on tv. Life has been easy together. I mean it's been hard financially, but you'd never know it by watching us.

*thinking*

You know, maybe our break-up was a good thing. For a while, I was like, okay this is pointless. We still kick it all the time like we're a couple. Nothing has changed. But something has changed. He's matured a bit. On his own. And while it's only slightly, I can still see it and appreciate the small step forward.

This unemployed situation he got going on right now...is the first since we've been back together. I've been through it with him a few times before the breakup. He didn't handle it well then. When he was out of a job and had no money, he was a beast to be around. He was snappy and grouchy and mean. Ugh! He'd treat everyone like it was their fault. He'd isolate himself and sulk. We'd argue all the time about stupid stuff. It was like, he took all his frustrations out on me...and expected me to just take it. Every time we almost broke up, it was during those times of unemployment. It was like, he couldn't function normally during those times.
But this time around, it's so different. He's different. As soon as he told me that his last day was that friday, I began to get anxious. "Here we go", I thought to myself. But it wasn't like that this time. It's like a light clicked on and he gets the fact that his situation is only temporary. He understands that everything has always eventually worked itself out. He realizes that even though he's not rolling in dough right now, he can still have a good time. We can still have a good time together. He confides in me and lets me know how he's feeling instead of pushing me away like he used to. And though I'm irritated by his instability, I'm very proud that he seems to understand me and his situations a little better. It's not the end of the world. He's learning to appreciate what he does have instead of dwelling on what he doesn't. He's growing up, and I think that's admirable.

He still has a looooong way to go. Really. Sometimes I feel like I'm raising a son rather than dating a man. But I can say that he's improving. And I'm patient. I AM a patient woman. (sometimes, lol) I found out a while ago why he was put in my path, but maybe this is why I was put in his. He's the type of person that needs someone to be understanding and to allow him to mature at his own pace. Even his dad told me that I calm Usher.

"He's changed alot with you Sway, believe it or not. He used to be rowdier than this."

That was hard for me to believe at first, but when I think back to when we first got together, I really do see it. I remember how much we argued and how quick tempered he was. I remember how he would quit a job after a week. How he just seemed to not care about anything. He's changing. And I'm patient enough to allow him to slowly get where he needs to be. I don't know why I'm the way I am, but I can totally wait. A lot of women are quick to dismiss men like him. Not that anything is wrong with knowing what you want and leaving those men who don't have it alone. Cuz I won't stay with a plum fool. But I'm more sensitive to men I see with attributes I like who aren't quite where they need to be, IF I see him really working on himself. I'll lend a hand in those cases. I'm not a "captain save'em", but I've always gotten great joy in watching a man in shed his cocoon and turn into a butterfly. Call me naive. Crazy. Whatever. I read once that many of us judge people their entire lives by their current status. When you think about it, we do. That jerk in college will forever be known to us as that "jerk"...even though he could now be a well adjusted, good-hearted, married man in his 40's with 2 girls and teach 3rd grade. And just because your man is a CEO at a fortune 500 company and treats you like a queen doesn't mean that there aren't woman out there who thinks he's the scum of the earth becauas he's cheated on her or hurt her in the past. People go through changes. They grow up, mature....or become bitter mean buttholes. I refuse to judge or give up on a person solely because of their current state. I've seen too many butterflies in my lifetime to not believe in the process.


But in that same breath, you gotta know when to give up. You have to know when they AREN'T changing. When they don't want to change. When that's the way they'll be for all eternity. When you're trying to help someone that doesn't want it. When you're hoping for a change that will never happen.

Sometimes for me it's hard to tell. I think that is my biggest relationship problem. I don't know when to let go. Sometimes it takes me a while to realize that these fools ain't neva gonna change. I would never try to chang a man myself. I don't believe in that AT ALL. But I have dated men in hopes that they'd see their own flaws and change them and of course it never happened.

But you know what keeps me with Usher? I mean besides the emotions and all that jazz. When I think about him and all that he is and isn't...
When I ask myself "what if he doesn't change?"
If he continues forever with his 6 month gigs and then have to find another job...
And if I continue to get frustrated with it for the rest of my life...
I realize that I still wanna be with him.

I can deal with his flaws. I really do get who he is and even when he's immature and stubborn, I can deal with him. Not only deal with him, but love and enjoy him. If he doesn't change I would still want him. I didn't come into this relationship in hopes that he'd change. I took him for who he was, flaws and all, and he's starting to change on his own for the better. I like it this way much better.

When we first met, he told me that what holds a relationship together is not love, it's tolerance. I thought that was the DUMBEST thing anyone had ever told me. But after these two years of being with him, and the more I think abou it, he has a point. Long lasting relationships are about what you are willing to tolerate from your spouse. Establishing those limits or lack thereof early on can save you a world of wasted time, anger, etc. Now in now way am I minimizing the power of love or saying that tolerance is the only thing needed in a relationship, but ya'll know love isn't enough to keep anyone together. You need to be with someone that isn't going to push your highest button because no matter how much you love them, if they keep pushing you to your limit, you're going to finally say Enough is Enough.

Usher has pushed alot of my buttons. But I've never been to my limit. And we've talked about what our limits were in the beginning and whether or not we can tolerate the flaws and possible problem areas we each have. When we decided that we could tolerate it, we allowed for everything else to fall into place. I can love him just the way he is. Sure, I want him to be better. I'm sure he wants me to be better. We both need alot of work, but on the off chance that nothing else change. Usher is my boo boo! And I'm his. And we're good with that. Even when we drive each other crazy. We're good.

At least that's how I feel right now. Check back with me in 3 months. lol

Maaaan! I sooooo did not mean to get off on that tangent. *kicking rocks*

Oh well. It is what it is.

I guess i'll start on some work now. It'll make the time go by faster. Later!