I’ve been having crazy dreams lately. One night I dreamt that I was asleep and when I woke up (in my dream) I saw my bedroom door and closet door open (which I never leave open). As I got up, I saw the front door to my apartment slightly open. That is my heart nearly jumped out of my chest. Something was wrong. Someone was here. I looked in one of my mirrors and saw a shadow of some legs hunched down in my bedroom closet and became scared that I was about to be killed. So somehow I got my keys and cell really fast and put on my coat, slipped out the door and went to my car while calling… the police?
WRONG!
My retarded behind called Usher.
I was telling him that I think 2 boys had broken into my apartment and I was scared and wanted him to call the police for me because even though I was in my car, I still didn’t feel safe. For some reason, he didn’t understand what I was saying and didn’t really seem that upset about the fact that someone broke into my apartment. I don’t remember what happened after that. All I know is that the boys in my dream that had came into my house, were the same boys that I really did see sitting on the stairs one evening after Usher left. Maybe I unconsciously harbored fears about them knowing I live alone and trying to break in and it manifested in dream form.
I dunno. I just don't understand why alot of my dreams lately have been sort of like that. Well not from that particular night.
I had quite a few dreams that night. One ended in me going to eat a brownie, but someone was yelling for me not to do it because I had no milk. *blink* Just so happens I was awakened at that moment by Usher’s call at 2:36am asking me to sing for him.
WTH is going with my nights? Anywho...
Last night, I was dreaming about going to this Church that in my dream I’d never been to before (although in real life, I have) and I got there all extra early. There was a guy in the parking lot that went to the Church and began chatting/flirting with me as soon as I got out of the car. He led me to a room where Sunday School was about to be held. During class, he kept telling me how much he liked me. He’d appear and disappear from the class every so often. After Sunday School, there was about a 30 minute wait before Church and I could see the McDonalds from the hallway, so I was contemplating on getting some hot cakes (why I’m always trying to eat in my dreams? lol) and out of nowhere he appeared. He tried to kiss me and was all up on me. For some reason, I actually kinda liked i t. The Church secretary’s desk was kinda close to us and she was coming towards it. When he saw her, he rushed to talk to her. I shrugged and left. When I got in my car, he was sitting on the passenger side. It freaked me out so I somehow got him out, but he kept trying to get back in. I sped off. On the way to McDonalds, (which now was quite a drive away) I heard on the radio that this man had killed the secretary lady. They said she was his girlfriend.
I was confused because he kept trying to get with me and he kept telling me he wanted me. Then I went to his house (don’t know why I knew where he lived. I think we were together then. you know how dreams are) and looked in this box of stuff he had and saw old pictures of her. For some reason, I had seen these pics before, but never put two and two together. He had told me that she was his ex. But apparently not. Then I woke up.
*blink* WTF?
Too much craziness.
I’m kind of wondering if I’m dreaming about crazy stuff because I’m thinking about crazy stuff before I go to bed. I mean, I’m not ever thinking of murder or break ins or anything like that….but my mind, especially last night, seems to run a thousand miles before I can finally go to sleep.
Last night I had sort of a breakdown before bed.
You ever have those days where the weight of the world just suddenly seem to land on your shoulders?
Well that was me last night. It started when I opened some mail from my student loan people and it said that I still owe about $80,000.
I’ve been paying them for YEARS and I still owe someone $80,000?
I kinda got depressed because I knew that if I don’t marry rich or win the lotto soon, I’ll be paying these people for the REST OF MY LIFE! There is no end to it. And if I don’t pay them, they’re going to try to take me to court to garnish my freaking check. I felt so hopeless. Then started taking a step back from the day to day and really looking at my life.
The happiness I felt just 30 minutes before slowly started fading. I have soooo many bills! And I make jack squat compared to the debt I owe. Will I ever be able to get myself out of this hole? Then of course I started panicking and obsessing about it all.
Thinking about the fact that I ‘m afraid to get a house in my name because if something happens and I start missing payments, I’m afraid they’ll take my house.
And speaking of living arrangements, I absolutely HATE the fact that I’m moving back with my parents. The closer it gets to the date, the more it feels like doomsday. She’s already too much to bear and I don’t live there. Moving back is going to do nothing but make it worse. But I need to plan my finances better and not having the responsibility of a mortgage or rent will help tremendously. Although I’ll still be paying rent, and probably having to give her money because she’s got a spending problem. See…that situation wouldn’t really be helping me would it? It’s already stressing me. So what do I do? Should I look for a cheaper apartment? I don't have time. Besides, I'm trying to save, not spend. My goal is to stay with them for a year. Hopefully by then, I can correct the financial mistakes I made last year and start over. It's the most sound decision when taking about paying off debt.
But just thinking about living with my mom made me cry like a 5 year old. I love her to death but she gets on my last nerves!
Then of course I’m thinking about the fact that none of this would matter to me if was where I once was in my faith in God. Being in this state of uncertainty about the nature my relationship with God and my quest for the truth has left me quite depressed. I hate not knowing things. I hate not having that blind bold faith that all will be well. I hate that I don’t trust God like I once did. I want to get back there, but I don’t know how. I need His help and while I won’t say He’s not giving it to me, because I don’t know if He is, I can’t feel it yet.
And my Church situation is not helping. I literally loathe going to that Church. Then why go, you ask?
Because it's easy. Well it was. My parents were there, I have some girlfriends there. I know people. I don't have to look for new churches and get lost trying to find them, hoping I'm on time, filling out millions of visitor's cards and having to go by myself. It's much easier to just drive over to my parents house and get in the car with them, sit through 3 hours of service and be done for the week. And I know once i move back, it's going to be even more "convenient".
But I don't like it there. So I'm now stressing over trying to find a new church. Which is going to be weird once I get back to my parents house. They don't believe in missing Church. EVER. So even if I wanted to sit out a week or two. It couldn't happen there. Which adds even more stress. I hate "having" to do something I don't want to do. I hate being told what I "have" to do. I'm grown. I should be able to make my own decisions. And I feel that I can't when I live with them.
So I just feel stuck. And helpless. And stupid. And confused. About my spiritual life, about my finances, about Usher and the fact that I’m in love with a man I’m not sure I’ll ever marry, about the fact that I asked my job a year and a half ago for a title change (and raise) and have heard nothing back, about where to go to Church and if I really want to even go every week, about the fact that while I have a few girlfriends, I don’t feel close enough to any of them to dump all my problems on them, and about the fact that I have no idea how to change any of this right now.
*closing my eyes, rubbing my temples and taking deep breaths*
Yeah. So that's where I am.
I had to it off my chest.
You know... deep down inside, after I have my panic attacks and breakdowns, I really do feel like everything will work itself out.
Wierd?
I guess time will tell. Thanks for listening.
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