Most mornings I spend an hour to an hour and a half in traffic. Usually I pray halfway to work and get a little praise and worship in with my CD's or a gospel station. But some mornings like today, I just wanted to listen to some slow music and be left to my thoughts. I popped in Dwele's Subject CD and began my hour journey to both the known and unknown.
* I really be feelin the 2nd song on Dwele's CD.. "Truth".
I lied / I said you were the truth / you took it as the truth / and now i got you / but i don't want you like that / there only lives one love / and of that you can't compare to / and that's the bare naked truth
Man, it's amazing how many men really do that messed up stuff. They come bother me...when I wasn't even lookin for a man, then speak all this noise in my ear... tell me I'm "the truth"...and I believe 'em... fall for 'em...then he got me... but realize he really don't want me... it was all about the chase and the fun was in getting me. Ugh.. i hate that junk. I like the song because it's so real. Cuz um, I know a whole gang of menfolk that do that mess. Just messin with people's feelings. Ugh.
* Lately I've been thinking alot about Gerard. Gerard was the first guy I ever loved. I mean I LOVED me some Gerard. lol
My first year of high school I went to band camp. The first day of Band Camp on our lunch break, I saw Gerard sitting alone in the corner with his eyes closed. He had on some head phones and was beating away at the air with his drum sticks. I watched...errr... stared at him for a good 3 minutes before I caught myself and wondered if anyone else saw me looking. I knew from that moment that I wanted to know him. I wanted to be with him. I wanted him. I had only one other friend in band camp that day...Elisha Greene. Elisha and I had went to elementary school together...so when we saw each other that morning among the many strange faces, we suddenly became best friends. lol. I convinced her to come with me to talk to this "shy" young man in the corner. We went over to him. I was shy, Elisha wasn't. She started talking about everything...and all I could do was look at him. We all introduced ourselves and did some light chatting. Everytime his lips moved my heart skipped a beat. I was in love. lol. Some would call it puppy love...but if puppy love can last this long then maybe all humans need to abandon that human love stuff and try some of that puppy love. From that day on, I vowed that he would be my boyfriend. We became good friends...then pretty much best friends. I layed it on him so smooth he didn't know what hit him. By the end of our 9th grade year, we were sharing a locker, spending the mornings before class and the afternoons before band practice together, and walking hand in hand around the school during lunch time. That's when he realized what everyone else had known for the last 6 months and I had known since the day I saw him: We should be together. We were an item.
We dated until our junior year, when we all had to transfer to a different school. He and I both went to Lakeside High. But with new faces came new opportunities...and Gerard wanted a chance to embrace some "new opportunities". I was crushed. I lost my best friend, my boy friend and my first love for the "possibiliy" that someone new may come along. The crazy thing is... he never dated any one else after me. Actually I was the one that started dating David (who i stayed with for 2.5 years). But there was something about Gerard. To this very day I think about him. I still love him. I still wann a be with him. I'd still give him the time of day if he asked for it. And I've never felt that way about anyone... including my ex-fiance. It's amazing how long puppy love can last. It's been about 11 years and I still get the same feelings when I see or think about him now as I did when I was crushing on him at 13. Life's crazy.
* Why do I feel the need to go out each and every friday? I mean I don't care WHAT kinda events I had going on throughout the week, nor how tired I am, something within me REFUSES to let me stay my tired behind at the house on a friday night. What's so special about friday night? That is the ONLY night I could actually get some rest and not have to wake up at the crack of dawn so honestly that really should be the night I take my butt to bed and catch up on all the sleep I lost during my busy weeks. *sigh* I guess I'm stubborn.
* I had a dream last night about me getting married. I was marrying this guy named Talvis. In my dream, we had decided to get married pretty much on a whim. He and I had only known each other for a couple of weeks and were quite smitten with each other...so when he suggested marriage, I said yes. All my friends were excited and my parents were worried, but excited as well. They knew he'd take care of me and that he was a good guy. The day of our wedding..of course they wouldn't let us see each other, but I started to get butterflies. I was wondering whether or not this was what we really needed. More than anything i wanted to have this wedding. I loved Talvis and I knew we'd be a good match, but the "forever" part scared me. I mean, what if he changed? I'd only known him a few weeks... so I started pacing back and forth and before I knew it, I was knocking on the "men's" door and demanding to speak to him. I needed to see him. I wanted to know how he felt... if he was feeling this doubt like I was...and whether he could reassure me that us getting married was the right thing to do. The groomsmen wouldn't let me in... so I went back to my dressing room (though i was fully dressed) and sulked. I was completely alone. All of my friends were in the "auditorium??" (i guess it was an auditorium, i know it wasn't a church sanctuary... i dunno..you know how dreams are) And they were all making speeches like we were at a reception or something. (lol)
So I sat there for a while...then I called him. Now the dream got weird then because even though my husband-to-be was Talvis the entire dream, when i called him, he turned into KS (you remember him right? skip to the middle of this post...and read up! )...even though his name was still Talvis.
So when I called his celly, he answered and we talked...and we realized that we were both feeling the same way. It was too soon for marriage. I was relieved, but very dissapointed at the same time. But right after he said, well maybe we should postpone it...I woke up. And was like...wth?
Now that the dream's over and I'm riding in the car, I'm wondering WHY i'm dreaming about marrying this Talvis/KS person. Okay... background info.
I met Talvis last month. We talked and realized that we had a lot in common. So much that I jokingly asked him whether or not we were related. We went out a few times, and I met a couple of his friends. I like Talvis. He's a nice guy, and honestly from what I know about him, he IS marriage material. BUT...again, we just met and I don't even know if he likes me more than a friend. So why am I dreaming about marrying him? I don't really even know him.
I wish i did know. I thought it was weird.
And then the KS part was even weirder. Oh yeah, did I tell you all he called outta the blue the beginning of this month? Yup. He called and said he was thinking about me and he just wanted to say hi. So we talked for a second and got some things out of the air and off our chest concerning our breakup. Well he did most of the talking. lol. Once he understood WHY i felt I had to leave him alone, his entire aora changed. He told me that he really could respect what I did and how I did it and yada yada yada. So we hung up and I figured I wouldn't hear from him for another 6 months to a year. But he kept calling...and calling. So as of late, we've been keeping in touch via phone. We haven't seen each other and honestly that's probably a good thing b/c I KNOW ya'll remember me telling ya'll how friggin FINE he was. Whew Lawd! That brotha was amazingly, incredibly, unbelievably PERFECT!!(well... as far as his outter appearance is concerned.) I dunno if I could handle seeing him again. I might be persuaded to try to catch hold to the few sparks he's been throwing out.
* Speaking of fine men. Why is Chyno from the tv show, "The Player", so FINE to me. He has nothing on KS...but um, if I was still givin it up... he'd officially be on my who could get it list. That man is so darn sexy to me. Okay...lemme gone and stop for I start lusting or somethin. lol. Gone.
"We must become the change we want to see." ~ Gandhi
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