Not exactly my niche...

I've said before that writing is really not my thing. I love to read, but me actually writing something creative, or descriptive, or profound...well....don't hold your breath for it. However, from time to time, I get inspired to write. Most of those times, it's due to heartbreak or something dealing with ya'll menfolk!!! But today, I just want to share one of my "poems" if I may so call it... with you.
This one is called, "The question asked". I wrote this earlier this year to my first boyfriend since "the big breakup" (i guess i will have to tell you about the "big break up"...it's real juicy...lies, deceit, children, cheating, fighting, adultry...sound like All My Children huh?) Anyway, you may remember me mentioning TDin one of my earlier posts. I think I mentioned him in my 2nd or 3rd blog. But anyways, I wrote this to him because he and I had started off just casually dating, but things got heated and before I knew it, feelings were forming and we hadn't talked about where we were taking this. It was apparent to every one around us that we were together, but I had my doubts because of some of the things he'd do...and not do. So, I wrote this to him to express my feelings...seeing how i am not really good at expressing negative feelings, or feelings I don't feel will be readily reciprocated. So here goes....you may not understand it...or ......maybe you will.


The Question Asked

The constant pressure of making moves on a daily basis-
the fact is that I want you, yet you refuse to face this.
You put your hands on my waist, while I feen for your embrace-
and I whisper in your ear at a steady pace.
But you ain't hearing me- sometimes I feel you straight teasing me.
I might have played along for a while-at first I did quite easily.

I'd put on my game face to guard my heart,
cause I couldn't bear for someone else to tear it apart.
So from a distance, my feelings grow, and now it seems all out of control!
I guess nothing in life is exactly what it seems.
Never thought I'd care so much for someone who doesn't seem to care for me.
The love making is the fire, the chemistry unmistaken,
But as for your feelings regarding me, are they real, or are you faking?

I'm feeling you deep, but haven't reaped what I seek.
Seriousness should be setting in, but then again, I can't pretend-
that I don't see what I see... phone calls at 2am and 3...
Your female friends- do they know about me?
Why is everything such a mystery?

There's much opposition in my attempts to get position.
My struggle to capture your attention end as a failed mission.
Propping clues as we go along-
Special deliveries in the rain, flirtatious eye contact, plus a few songs-
But am I wrong? Are opportunities passing by... are they almost gone?

At times I wonder should I stay or go.
Before I get caught letting my feelings flow.
Trapped between my heart and my head...
Not sure whether to risk being dissed or being lead...
To a place of pure ecstasy, where again in could be just you and me...
Apart of two hearts, making each other complete.

I find you every night in my dreams...
Fantasies... About the seemingly impossible turned into the plausible.
At points upset and confused - cause our relationship's a work in progress-
I guess.
Either that, or I am on this journey by myself.
So, instead of leaving me in the cold, just let me know.
Will there ever be a U & I...
Or am I destined to find my love with another guy?

Sway...on Music

Classical-
1.
Mozart's symphony no. 40 in G minor KV 550- Molto Allegro is one of my alltime favorites. I mean, there's nothing like it.
2.
Pachebel's canon in D minor. OK, i don't know why I didn't name this one first. I guess because I was listening to the first one when i started this. But Canon IS my favorite EVER!!! When I hear it, I get this vision of me being 4 again and I'm in this sun-lit ballet room in my pink tutu and I'm listening to this music and I am just as happy as I could be...jumping around and leaping...and I am all alone, happy as ever...and I see beautiful white linen window drapes that are dancing in the air due to the cracked window where a cool spring breeze creeps through...
It never fails, no matter when or where I hear that song, I see this vision and I get all warm and tingly inside.
3.
Mozart's "Requiem. Even though this is in a completely different category from the previous two...it is SO FRIGGIN GREAT!!! I think I already wrote an entire post about Requiem, so I won't dwell on it, but if you ever get a chance to hear it in its entirety, I think that you would be a fan too!

Jazz
1. Mike Phillip's entire CD is off the chain!!! I am a fan. I guess if I had to choose only one song on there, it would be "Not what you say". It is sooooo wonderful. You should check it out. It's good riding music.
2. Of course you can't talk about new age jazz with out mentioning Kenny G. His christmas album was no. one in the WORLD!! In the WORLD!! That just goes to show you that true music transcends language and ethnicity. I think my alltime favorite is a tie between Songbird and Sillhouette. His new song, "malibu beach" is really nice too.
3. Paul Jackson Jr.'s "It's a shame" and Art of noise's "moments of love" are two wonderful pieces that are tied in my book. Totally different styles, totally different instruments, yet I can't decide which one should be in 3rd.

Gospel

I listen to so much in gospel music that, there's no way I could number them and narrow it down. So...here goes some that are at the top of my head right now.

1. Canton Jones- his CD is like no other... he has a hip hop/ r&b flava, but in no way could it be misconstrued for secular music. I mean, the beats are definitely on...but the words are all about God and how good He is to us. I think it's a wonderful CD. It's not in stores, but you can get it from his website cajoentertainment.com

2. Fred Hammond- everything Fred makes is platinium! I LOVE FRED. You can truly feel the presence of God in every song he sings. I wouldn't categorize his music as contemporary nor traditional. His music can be felt, and he has such a wonderful voice and spirit. Some of my favorites from him are, Bread of Heaven, Draw Night, Dance like David, and No Weapon.

3. Martha Munizzi's CD. Oh my goodness, if you haven't heard her cd, go check it out RIGHT NOW! Her CD reminds me of Juanita Bynum's CD due to the fact that it's more of an experience than a CD. You can feel the presence of God when you listen to it. I like almost EVERY single song on there.

4. A compilation of praise songs... We wanna see; Lord we magnify you; The joy of the Lord;Everything;You are the Air I breathe; Your latter will be greater; I'm gonna lift you up;This is my desire; All the way; and Lord I believe(all things are possible); Turn my heart oh Lord; Jesus, there's something about that name; We remember you; Doxology; Glory to your name; Holy, Holy, Holy; and many many more...

R&B
1. My all time favorite R&B song is by far, to hard to decide... so for this category, I'll just try to remember some songs I really like and am feeling right now:
Newer
Reuben Studdard- Sorry for 2004
Usher feat. lil john and ludacris- Yeah
Monica-Knock, Knock
Beyonce-Me, Myself and I
Aaliyah-Come over and Rock tha boat
Amon- I don't want you no more (this is song is crazy... someone must have really hurt this brotha )

Older
Az Yet- Last Night
Joe feat. Mystical -Stutter
Avant feat. KiKi Wyatt- My first love
Joe- All the things your man won't do
Silk- Freak me
Next-Gotta Be
Shai- if I ever fall in love again, comforter
Jodeci- Feenin
Lauren Hill- X-factor
Musiq- I just wanna know your name
LL Cool J feat. Boyz II Men - Hey lover
Jill Scott-Is it the way, Revelations,
H-town- Knockin da boots
D'Angelo-Brown Sugar, cruisin, $hyt, damn, muthaf__r
Aaliyah- Are you that somebody, IF your girl only knew, more than a woman, 4 page letter
Destiny's Child-Emotions, Say my name
Envogue- Don't let go, yesterday
all Michael Jackson and all R Kelly and Stuff... (both very disturbed men, but wonderful artists)

Even Older
Al Green- Love and Happiness
Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing
Earth, Wind, and Fire-Reasons
Gap Band-Burn Rubber
Issac Hayes-Theme from Shaft
Isley Bros. -Between the Sheets
Lakeside-Fantastic Voyage

Rap - old and new
Too Short- Shake it like a monkey
biggie and bone- notorious thugs
most of kilo's songs (okay, i am a true southern girl lol)
everything TuPac and Outkast has made
TI latest CD... trap muzik ( every one should pick that up... that brotha has skills...don't sleep)
Dre- Explosive
Neck of da Woods- mystical
Ice Cube-Today was a good
Snoop Dog and Dre- don't know the name...but it's kinda old "1,2,3 and to tha 4"
Twista- Pimpology and Emotions
and many more that i can't remember.... oh well

Good Friends...a hard find.

Today I came into work thinking that I was going to be really productive for a change since I'm like...the only one here!! However, I got a call from a good friend AW. She and I attend the same church and became really close as soon as we met. She and I are both really busy and lately have not really been in each others lives as much as we used to. She called me and this entire month of distance was instantaneously melted away. I felt like I was in middle school or something. We talked for about an hour, then we called one of our other friends, DG on 3-way and continued talking for another hour. I love those girls. I didn't realize how much I missed just chatting about nothing with the girls. We get so caught up sometimes in the NOW, and in our careers, our love life, or bills, our next step, that we forget to just chill and shoot the breeze with the loved ones we call friends. She had called to tell me that she was having a get together at her house after Watch Night service on New Years Eve. I told her I'd be there.... but I failed to say for how long. I kinda already have plans. See, AM and I are supposed to be chillin at his house after service but I told him I'd call when we got out. So I'm thinking...what i'll do is go to my friends "breakfast get together" and ask AM if he wants to come...if he does then, that would be perfect. I could spend time with my friends without taking away quality time with him. If he doesnt want to come, then I'll just quickly drop by my friend's house and then go to AM's house. Either way, I'm definitely doing both!!!

Time flies....

I can't believe an entire week went by and I haven't even so much as thought about writing. I told ya....it takes a lot to keep me motivated!! Anyways, I'm back and I'll try to at least write 2x this week!! I had a wonderful Christmas. Everyone loved their gifts and I even loved mine!! I got to sleep in late...which i must say was the BEST part of the holiday. 2 saturday's ago, AM (you do remember him don't you?) and I watched lord of the rings 1 at his house. I was soooo sick, but I wanted to see him, so i brought my kleenex, sudafed, and pillow and lounged around his house for the entire saturday. He had just got off of work that morning when i came over, so he was tired too. We ended up falling asleep in each others arms...well I was in his arms...the kleenex was in mine.
He's a really cool guy. I mean, it has been a while since I've cuddled with anyone!! It felt so good...so right. I liked it. In fact, I wanted to come back over last week, but he went to visit his family in Detroit for the holidays. Is it crazy that I missed him? I mean, we're not dating, I'm not his girlfriend, but I feel safe when i'm with him and I love laying around with him. I don't know what that's about. Anyways, after new years eve service, i am supposed to be going over to spend the rest of the night with him. I am excited!! He has really big arms and I love to put them over me like a blanket and go to sleep!! Yeah AM. You're cool.
Anyways, I am starting to get confused. I mean, I am still "single", yet there's 2 guys in my life that I really like. Both so different. Both good people. I mean, I've known and liked RH longer than AM, yet I feel closer to AM. I can talk to both of them for hours on end. They both are smart, well educated, and have a great sense of humor, but that is where the similarities end. I've described RH before: 5'8, fair-skinned, big pretty brown eyes, thick curly eye lashes, full lips, facial hair, really shiny black silky short straight hair, small-medium build, always dressed so professional, he looks like he just stepped off the cover of GQ. Well AM is 6'3, about 250pds, (offensive lineman), nice chocolate skin, deep dark eyes with a small twinkle, a very casual dresser, minimal facial hair, low hair cut, rough around the edges...i mean, the kind that will drive you so wild!!! They are both so sexy in their own way. But I must tell you...AM and I seem to have a more romantic connection. I like RH, but for as long as we have known each other, I've never felt that mutual attraction like i have with AM. I am curious to see what happens with them.

ps. I might just be getting that someone to hold me during the cold winter nights with AM!!

Mother knows best...

well it's monday...and I'm feeling horrible. I had such an interesting week last week. I guess my staying out late in all of that cold weather finally took its toll on my body. I couldn't do hardly anything this weekend. I felt so bad. I am still not 100% better, but I am slowly getting there. My mother told me to stay in and wrap up more...but I didn't listen. I never listen. I guess it doesn't pay to be hardheaded huh?
So much happened last week, I can't begin to write it all. Okay, overview. Our job had another christmas party...but this one included the entire bldg. not just our floor, which was well....crowded. It was kinda cool. Well the concept was cool anyways...we had different events and food on each floor and we all just went from one floor to the next playing and eating. My floor had karyoke, which would have been good if every american idol reject didn't try to redeem themselves here at our party!! I had to leave after a while for fear of contracting the "off key" disease.
The food was a little dissapointing. I mean, the desserts were wonderful, but everything else was...yucky. I ended up eating cheese and crackers and calling it a day. I met up with AM thursday night and that was pretty cool. We ended up going to the mall, eating at Ruby Tuesdays, and chillin at his place. He lives like an hour away from me. That is quite a drive!! But I can see myself making it because he's a cool guy to chill with. Anyways, we talked for a long time thursday night and things got a little hot and heavy, so I ended up leaving before we did something we would later regret. At least now I know that we shouldn't be alone with each other and expect nothing to happen.

Friday night RH and I went shopping for my dad's christmas gifts. He is such a wonderful guy too. AM and RH both restore my faith in men. Both are so different, yet I like them both alot. RH and I went to Southlake mall, and he helped me pick out some really cool sweaters for my dad. Of course I looked like crap b/c I was sooo sick and my head was pounding. But RH, well he looked incredible as usual. He looked at me a lot more this time when we went out. I was wondering what he was thinking. He was probably like, "dag, what the heck??....she didn't look like that the last time I saw her." But I don't know, I mean, he did suggest that we go see Lord of the Rings 3 together. That has to be a good sign right. Guys don't wanna go out anywhere with girls if they are embarrassed by them...right? Okay, that's good. At least I'm not too repulsing then :)
We talked last night as well, we always have really interesting conversations...okay, let me tell you the kind of things he does that makes me smile:
We were talking and he warned me that his battery was low and that his phone may just cut off and it won't let him call back until it is fully recharged. I said okay, thanks for the heads up and we continued talking. Sure enough about 7 min. later, his phone cut off. So I figured okay, that was it. This brotha found a way to call me back just to say he's sorry and to say that he didn't want it to happen again, so he was gonna cut this convo short, and I said okay, that's fine. We said everything but goodnight before his phone cut off for the second time. About 3 minutes later, he calls back just to say goodnight. Isn't that soooo sweet!! It put a smile on my face. Just simple things like that is why I really like RH. He does simple things that mean so much. He didn't have to tell me goodnight...but that extra effort just stands out. Anyways...gotta go....will write later.

AM

I have had a really unproductive day today. First, we had an ALL STAFF- MEETING today and its about 600 people that work here. So you can only imagine how chaotic that was. Half of these people I've never even seen in my life!! It started at 9 and it was SUPPOSED to end at 11, however we got out just in time for lunch, so now, it is 1pm and I am just now getting into my day. I don't mind at all b/c that just means that my day will go by faster. I am soooo ready for 5pm so I can go home and go to sleep!! I stayed up all night talking to AM about everything. He is like...the funniest guy I know. I love that. Every morning I wake up with sore abs from laughing so much the night before. AM is definitely good people. We are supposed to be having a "lounge day" on Saturday. I am going over to his house and we're going to watch movies and act silly all day!! I love that!! That's one thing I miss about being in a relationship, you got a chance to do that kind of stuff all the time. So many people take that for granted. I know I did. But to actually feel comfortable enough with a person that ya'll can just straight chill and do nothing together all day is a really wonderful thing. Anyways, I don't really know whats up with us yet. We talk every day and I think he's definitely someone I want to keep in my life.

Amadeus Mozart

Right now I am listening to Mozart's "Requiem". It's something about his music that conjures up unexplainable feelings of pure bliss and excitement in me. It's almost an outer body experience sometimes. I mean, when I hear it, I feel lightheaded...i am suddenly aware of my breathing and air, things seem lighter, and I feel almost like I'm floating. It's weird. Anyways, I am a HUGE fan. But "Requiem" is one of my favorite works by him. I mean, "Lacryimosa" and "Hostias" are both so beautiful and calm...and then he contrasts it with something like "Kyrie, Eleison" and "Quam o lim Abrahae" which are both so fiery, passionate and upbeat. Pure genius.

Today has been an interesting day. For the most part, I've done nothing but chat back and forth with an old friend via our work email. He is a mess. He took me to my first prom. We never really dated (even though that wasn't by choice), but we've known each other since 11th grade and there was always an attraction to each other through the years but, I don't recall us ever being "officially together". I think about that sometimes. I wonder why it never really "happened" between us. I mean, OS is a wonderful guy. He is sooo friggin fine. Nice smooth skin, soft shiny black hair, beautiful smile. He's always been so appealing to me...and we've always gotten along. But, for some reason, we just never really dated each other. We'd talk about it, we'd go out on dates...and sometimes even do what "couples" do...but we weren't a couple...and he's one of those guys I've always considered "the one that got away". I guess because OS is one of those pop up guys...he leaves my life for a while then shows back up. It's funny because nothing ever changes...I mean, he can leave for a year and come back and we are just as close as we were the year before. It's like no time at all has went back. OS is a cool guy. I used stay in touch with is mother more than I did him back in his college days. She's cool too. He always tells me that she likes me. My take on that is... "Hey...mother knows best!" (lol)

Anyways, about a month ago, he shows up out of nowhere and we fill each other in on the haps. Now, we seem to email each other all friggin day!!! *lol* It's cool actually, and I have enjoyed this reunion... but I get NO work done. *lol* He's with his baby's mother now, and they live together...so there's really no chance of us even rekindling the sparks that was there between us. It's really sad. OS is like one of those guys that you know you're whole life and quietly hope that one day he'll see you for who you are and all your beauty...and want you as much as you want him. He's my fairytale i suppose. Anywho...enough reminiscing about OS...I gotta go, I've got mail
....hmmm who could it be??? *lol*

Another day

Well, it's another busy day at the ole office. Everyone finally left me alone enough for me to sneak on here and write something. I don't have much to say today. I guess I can give an update on past posts. I finally let go of TD for good. I haven't called or written to him since that post. Its crazy to hold on to something that doesn't want to be held. So he's out. Much love to ya TD, where ever you are and what ever your doing. I also got a chance to talk to KS long enough to break up with him. As of the break up day, I still hadn't seen him. He didn't call until late that night I told you guys we were supposedly going out...saying that he'll be late. I said forget it and the next week, broke it off. He still calls, but I hardly ever answer b/c he calls while I am at work, or at 2-4 am. RH and I are still good friends. I still like him. I am still wondering what the future holds... I can settle for friendship with him though. He's good people and a true joy to be around. Besides, if he hasn't tried me yet, it's most likely that he's not interested in me beyond anything other than friendship. Now, with all of the letting go and breaking up...I've also added another friend to the repertoire. His name is AM. He's a grad student at GA state and he is so cool!!! We are supposed to go out this weekend and I'll let you know how that goes. I like him because like RH, AM and I also have good conversation. Every morning I wake up sleepier than a mother with sextuplets!!! He's so funny. I love a guy with a great sense of humor. Anyways, there's more to talk about dealing with him, but I'll spread it out. I can't get caught on this blog thing. I need my job. So, peace.

"Easy to love...but hard to keep..."

I saw that quote on a guy's web page the other day. I read it a couple of times and my mind drifted to how true that seems to be. His page was filled with pictures of butt naked women with too much T & A, and everything he talked about dealt with the fact that he was a self-proclaimed "pimp". He was 31 yrs. old., average appearance, but very self-confident. I mean, his arrogance showed through his many pictures of himself. He kept talking about how he can't stand a dependant woman and how he's looking for women who can put up with all of his female friends, and who is secure in who she is and who can "handle hers". I find it so amazing that men for the most part require these things of females, yet are the biggest babies on planet EARTH. I mean, men are just as jealous as they wanna be. The difference is how they handle it. Ladies, some of us sit back and take it and don't say anything for a while, then we cry and wanna break up...and some of us snoop through his stuff, call the numbers in his phone, flat out accuse him of cheating, or just constantly nag him about where he was, who he was with, and what he did. Guys though, they handle jealousy with extreme emotions: either the ACT (yeah, i am stressing the word "act") totally non chalant... You know, "ICE COLD"... and they say stuff like, "whatever girl. You gonna do what you do, so there isn't any use of getting mad over it.,"or they go crazy and start beatin on ya. Either way, I'd rather them admit that being 100% secure at all times is very hard...especially when the opposite sex is around your spouse all the time.
Anyways, reading his page made me think a lot about how simple it is to fall in love with people and start a relationship with people, but how difficult it is to keep that relationship going, interesting, and passionate. It truly is easy to fall in love, but hard to keep the relationship from getting boring and fizzling. How is it that we can do nothing at all...or even fight to the death and still find ourselves in love and in a relationship with someone we knew wasn't good for us in the beginning? Why do emotions generally win over rationale when it comes to giving your love to someone? And why is it that women are the ones struggling with this the most?

I once read that limerance, which is that goofy love, you know, the kind of love you feel when you first meet someone....the constant smiling....butterflies....sweaty hands....racing heartbeat... Well, those effects of limerance are actually caused by the release of dopamine in the brain and this can last up to 7 years. Dopamine's effect is comparable to being on cocaine...which I though was interesting...but just think about that...you see someone and all of a sudden your body acts like it's on cocaine and it can actually stay in this state for a max of 7 years. (thus the 7 year itch...the theory is that once this limerance love is gone and the dopamine is no longer released, people realize...hey, there are other people around that I can have sex with...and then they go on a screwing rampage...trying to find someone else to "fall in limerance" with.) My point is that, if your brain sends out this dopamine, then do we really have any control over who we love? And if we don't then, why is it that women tend to fall in love a lot more than men? And why is it that men are so hard to keep? Why is it that men jump from woman to woman with seemingly no attachment issues? How is it that we can fall in love with these self-proclaimed "playas" and they don't fall in love with us? I don't understand.

Un-Inspired

It's crazy. My life is so full of adventures and my mind is constantly thinking about things, yet I never feel like I can write any of these things down. Like friday, I really wanted to write to you guys about some things. But, by the time I finished thinking about it, I was too lazy to actually start typing it. What is that about. This always happens to me. I'll start off strong with things...and then the excitement fizzles. I become uninspired to finish the things I start. It happens a lot with me. Can anyone help me???

Okay...quick question

okay...i have a question. last night, i had a pretty normal dream. Well, the storyline was normal, but what got me was that all through this dream, there was a bumble bee always somewhere around me trying to sting me. I kept hearing it flying around me and all through my dream, I am fanning away this bumble bee. Does anyone know what that's about? If so, please let me know.

What is real???

Everytime I go on "blackplanet.com" I browse through who's online and read a couple of pages from people who have interesting screen names. Most of the time, I like to look at guys pages who live in Atlanta just to narrow my search down. I mean it seems the entire african american population is on...has been on...or at least have heard about BP. So, I narrow it down to 25-30 yr old, "atlanta area", males. I still have about 7 or 8 pages full of online screen names to choose from, so on my breaks...I'll just browse through and see what everyone have to say. I don't know what is in the water down here...well I can't say that because even the other guys from other states do this same thing... but, what is up with this issue of being the "realest nigg@"??? I mean I hate going to a page and that is the first thing they put on their page.
"What's up pimpin...I'm the realest nigg@ you will ever meet"
I mean really, is every guy the realest? How can everyone be the realest??? And what does being the realest mean? The way people say it, It has to be something good... something credible. Right? Well, my one of my guy friends told me one day when I asked him about it becuase this is a BIG issue with me, that what most people mean is that they are not fake...they "keep it real" meaning they don't put on a facade for anyone or anything. So, I mean, if that was true, then I guess I'd be okay with that, but what I am seeing and hearing is something totally different. Okay, tell me this, if everyone is just being who they are and all, then why is everyone conforming to this one type of brotha? I mean, every last one of them claim to be "real", every last one of them claim to be cool, laid back, hard, a great lover, and etc. They all claim to tell the truth and say what they feel and mean what they say and blah blah blah... How is it that background don't play a role in all of this? How is it that a guy from Malibu and I guy from Harlem both are exactly the same? And if they are not, which I would suspect, then why is it that both of them are reppin the same exact thing? It seems to me that their definition of being "real" is living in the ghetto and listening to T.I. and 50 cent and being in the street? Being real is speaking broken english, being up on the latest fashion, and living ghetto fabulous...and trust me, I know some people that can pull that off really gracefully. I mean I know folks that I say to myself "Man, I can't see him/her no other way. That suits him/her." But then there are others who didn't eat mayonaise sandwhiches and perfer classical music over rap, and isn't up on the newest air force ones, and who doesn't watch BET and who says Hello everyone instead of Whussup Pimpin? Does that make them "less real"? I mean really, everyone is fake...or not true to themselves...at some point in their lives. Whether you change something about yourself for a male/female....whether you do something crazy or stop doing something you actually like to fit in with a group...if you've ever lied about anything...(since we lie because we are afraid the truth will put us in an uncomfortable/bad situation and we can't be "keeping it real" if we lying)...and so on. And just as we have all been fake, we have all also been truly genuine. So who's to say who is real and who isn't? Who's to say what's real and what isn't? My issue is just be about it. A person who IS will BE with out having to SAY anything. And we should open up the definition of real. Everyone is real if they are true to themselves... being who they are...nothing more...nothing less. I shouldn't be catagorized by anyone as to the level of my realness when they are basing their opinion on the comparison of my behavior to the mainstream definition of "real" No one is "real" enough for the mainstream definition and I am not sure that being that kind of "real" is even a good thing. Just my thoughts... just my opinions. But please people...think, why is it so important for us to put that we are real on our pages??

a few of my favorite things....

Ahhh....so cold and rainy out. A good friend of my swears that nothing good ever comes out of a rainy day. I used to laugh at him and say "oh be quiet. it's just rain!!!" But the older I get, and the more it rains, the more his words seem to reign true. I hope that it is just coincidence that every rainy day that I can readily recall this year was either horrible or on the verge of being horrible. Last thursday it rained, and i told you about how awful my lunch date went. I sure wish I could do that over again. So far, today has been okay...except for the usual traffic jam in the mornings. I work about 20 min away from my house, yet it took me an hour and a half just to get to work this morning. I decided since rainy days always put me in a down mood...and for some reason always seem to be a "day gone wrong", I will tell you about what puts me in a good mood. Hmmm where to start...Okay here goes...
candles...Michael Vick running in a TD in the 4th quater after the 2 min. warning with no time outs and down by 6...chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream by ben and jerry...home made spaghetti...sleep...Jaylen Rose...swimming...satin sheets...Olive Garden...myrtle beach...classical music...snow days..."just because" cards from a significant other...girls night out...squash...people with a great sense of humor...blockbuster nights...forehead kisses...jazz...Larenz Tate in Love Jones...The Minn. Vikings...visits from old friends, movies...bubble baths...dancing...washing cars on a warm summer day...cute chubby babies...playing pool with people who think I can actually play...Christmas...everything Outcast has ever done...hot chocolate with whipped cream....anything with whipped cream!!...and to cut this short for time sake...I'll say that the things that makes me the happiest is good sleep, good food, and good men!!!!

Could it be L.... LL... Looo.... ah I can't say it.

Guess what!! My fine friend, RH, the first guy I ever mentioned on this blog...yeah him. Well, we are supposed to be going out this saturday. Isn't that wonderful?? Say what?? You don't care...well...hmph, you shouldn't rain on my parade because the simple things make me happy. I mean, we aren't going on a date per se. It's more like a friendly outing. But it is time with him, and that is what is important. I am so crazy about him. I mean, he's one of those guys that you really want to marry, but you're scared to move your relationship down the "romantic" road because you have so much riding on it and if you guys don't work out, you would have lost such a good friend and you cant bear that so you just keep things at a slow friend pace. I mean, RH is the prototype. He really is. He's first and foremost, into the church. I am not saying that he goes and that's all. I mean he's one of those rare Christians that actually practice what he preach and you can see his relationship with God in his everyday life. He and I rarely talk about religion or Church, but it is one of those things that is so evident in him, you'd never have to ask. Then, he's so easy to talk to. I feel like I'm in jr. high again when he and I talk on the phone. We talk for hours on end. Both of us sleepy the next morning...it's crazy. I mean, I have the goofy-est smile on my face right now! I feel every bit of 13!! Anyways, we can talk about anything and everything: sports, clothes, politics, work, school, kids, family, dating, church...whatever. Then, he has such a wonderful personality. I mean he is a true gentleman. He's kind and warm, but strong and energetic. He's ambitious and confident. Modest and giving. He has a wonderful sense of humor. I mean, he keeps me laughing. It gets to the point where I feel like I've done crunches after I talk to him. Oh and his appearance...wow. Whoever said appearance wasn't important must have been blind!! Looks may not be everything, but they sure are something!!! He is the color of everything good. He has a nice complexion with beautiful smooth skin. Low hair cut and this brotha has some really shiny healthy beautiful hair. Nice brown eyes with those thick curly eye lashes...makes a girl wanna just fall....mmmhhh. Anyways, he has a good heart, and a good job. He's pretty independent, but is not afraid to realize the power of asking for help when it's needed. I like him. I am so glad we are friends. Anyways, like I said before, ya'll pray for me on this one here. I'd love to be by his side for the rest of our lives. It's just like that. You know, there are some guys that I may feel love for, but I know that they are not good for me...like TD. I mean, I still love him, but I know that we are a disaster together. Then there are other guys like RH, who you just know is so right for you. I am just excited about what the future holds for us....if it actually holds anything for us.

Busy Bee

Silly me...last night, after the sweet falcons victory over nc, I was lying in bed thinking, oh tomorrow will be a slow day at the 'ole office since it's monday. Well, boy was I wrong. This is the first time I had a chance to breath all day. I'm halfway trying to scarf down a really nasty egg salad sandwich and day old baked chips from our "health" cafe downstairs while checking my email, and listening to my voicemail messages. I have no idea why everyone is treating me like I am their personal assistant. I have a job of my own...I can't do it all!!! Anyways, I just wanted to say hi and that I have more to tell, but it's not getting done today. So, see ya tomorrow.

Should have knocked on wood!!!

Okay, I've never been the superstitious type... but there may be something to that knocking on wood bit. I mean yesterday, I went on and on about how everything in my life is going pretty well except for my love life...and then bang...the next thing I know, my world seems to turn upside down. How does that happen? Okay... I'm in an okay mood when I leave work, I get home and all chaos breaks loose. My mother and I have a little rif about some things...my cousin reneges on her "i'll stop being an @$$" vow... even my little cousin made me want to go upside of his head by putting his little nose in grown folks business. Man, I knew I should have knocked on wood. Okay scholars...I need help. How in the heck can knocking on wood somehow magically change your entire fate? Does wood have that much power? If so, then...is there like...a hierchy of wood in which you can knock on to bring you from moderate luck to extremely good luck. Can we like, trick the wood gods with that plastic laminate that looks like wood? Like on my desk...yeah, if I knock on my desk, will my luck stay the same...even though isn't real wood? Or maybe it's in the knock?? Hmmm. If I knock more times, will I somehow increase my luck? If I knock really soft, will the wood gods hear? How come when I say something really bad and negative and forget to knock on wood, nothing good happens? Why is it only one sided? So many questions...so little answers!! AHHHH LIFE SUCKS...but death i would suppose is much worse so never mind.
Today is friday and I am ready to shake my groove thang on somebody's dance floor. It's not likely that will happen since I've given up clubbin. It's too dangerous nowadays. Just a couple of weeks ago 2 men got shot and died at a club I used to frequently visit. To make it so bad, it was on a Monday. Who dies at a club on a monday? That must suck. I mean, things must really be bad on friday nights. I bet like, 5 people die on fridays.
Anyways, I actually have to do work today, so this is probably the shortest blog you'll get from me. Well, ta-ta.

A good day to be Noah.

Man, if today isn't a depressing day then I don't know what is. It's cold, dark, and rainy. Not a good day to go on a lunch date with a guy you just met huh? Well, I wish you would have told me sooner. I got to the restaurant and I was SOAKED!!! So much for first impressions huh? I didn't get the feeling that he thought we were a match made in heaven. I guess I blew that one. And to make it so bad..HE WAS HOTTTT!!! He's the kind of guy that will make you get weak in the knees. Man. I should slap myself for not rescheduling or something...or at least for not finding an umbrella. Anyways, I doubt he's interested. So our background is not really worth mentioning. We'll at least it's warm here at the 'ole office. I can always count on them to have the heater set on HELL!!! I walked in and dried up instantly....actually I started to sweat a little. I should be used to it by now. Oh well. I'll get over it. Well, a good thing about today is that it's payday!!! Hooray!! I need some kind of pick me up. I mean, my life is going pretty well right now in most departments. I have a good, fulfilling, stable job that I love, with supurb benefits and a pretty good salary..i mean, you can always stand a raise... And my spiritual life is wonderful. I am really active in my Church and I feel at peace with my beliefs. I am in pretty good health, have a wonderful family life...my parents and I are getting along just great, and my cousin decided to stop being an @$$ for the holiday season. I am living a drama free life...yet, well, you know....it's cold outside and I'm looking for someone special to keep me warm by the fireplace and I am having NO LUCK!!! AHHHH! Okay I feel better now. It just amazes me how everything could be going so perfectly in your life but one little thing, and it can mess up your entire flow. I know that I should be "patient", and wait for the "right one" to come along...and blah blah blah...but I gotta be honest... I need some LOVIN and I need it NOW!!! I mean...can a sista get a hug please!?!? :(
I am ready for someone interesting to come around...it doesn't have to be a "forever" situation. At this present moment, i am just looking for someone to share the winter with. Why is that soooo hard!!!!! I don't know. I guess I'll just have to keep waiting huh? Al-right...I'll do it. Hmmph. Wish me luck.

Yeah!!! Hump Day!!!!

I am super excited that I only have a couple of days before the weekend. It 's not like I have any plans...but just to be able to sleep in late saturday morning gets me all warm and tingly inside. Hmmm...I wonder what I am going to do friday night?? I am really spontaneous when it comes to my friday night fiascos. I never know what I am going to do, yet I always seem to stumble into something. Now saturday is a different story. I am "supposedly" going out with my "supposed" boyfriend. Yeah....that entire situation is "if-y". Okay, I met KS a few weeks before TD moved to texas. We met in an unusual situation and quickly took a liking to each other. I told him about TD and our situation and let him know that I wasn't looking for anything serious. It's amazing how much men really don't listen. Actually, I'll take that back....you guys DO listen, you just don't give a DARN about what we are saying if it is contrary to what you'all want!! Anyways, KS started calling a lot and wanting to do really cool stuff...and since I was trying not to think about the fact that the only boyfriend I've had since the "big breakup" with my fiance was moving to TEXAS, I decided to go along with his little "casual dating" plan. In the beginning, everything was gravy. I mean, we would go to the park and just talk, go to the movies and hold hands, go to dinner and gaze into each others eyes. It became apparent to me that there was a little chemistry between us. Too much to deny anyways. Yet, my heart was still in texas with TD. In my case, the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" was ever true. In TD's case though...it seemed more like, "out of sight, out of mind"!!! Anyways, KS and I started to kick it really hard and soon, I noticed that he began to introduce me to people as his girlfriend. I never thought about it like that until he said it aloud. I mean, I know that we went out every week...and sometimes 2x's a week....and yes, we talked on the phone every day...but I guess because my heart was somewhere else, I kinda looked at our relationship like...I don't know..like a super close friendship. I wasn't dating anyone else, but I didn't really know if I actually wanted to be his GIRLFRIEND!!! Anyways, as time went on....(man, it seems like this happens in all of my relationships...what's up?) he became more and more busy. I mean, it wasn't the usual brushoffs men give you when they've found a new play thing. I can readily recognize those. But his excuses were actually pretty legit. I mean I checked them out and everything. So what's the problem...you ask? We'll the problem is that he now has SOOOO much going on, he harldy have time for me anymore. He still calls frequently to tell me that he misses me and to make plans with me that he later breaks due to work... or family...or whatever. I mean, part of me is happy because he was getting way too serious way too fast. This way, it saves me from being the "bad girl" by breaking up with someone I never even said I'd go with. However, the other part of me misses the fact that he was always there and we had such a good time whenever we were together. So, he called me yesterday to tell me how sorry he was and why he hasn't been around much and all of that....then he asked if he could make it up to me on saturday. Well I said okay because I didn't have any plans. Yet I am not really excited because he's the kind of guy that will make a date for a specific day at a specific time, and then cancel. I mean MEN!! Okay men....a suggestion here. If you make a date and realize that you can't keep it, how about calling BEFORE we get all dolled up...throwing clothes all around the house in order to find the "perfect outfit", dousing perfume and bath and body works lotion all over our bodies, burning out our hair to get that perfect "do", applying just the right amount of lipstick to make our lips "pouty"...and finally....making us put on and dirty up the "good lingerie" for NOTHING...(regardless of whether the men actually see it or not, I like to feel sexy underneath... but shoot, if i'm not going out, then i'd rather have kept on the big ole cotton ones!) It is useless to call 30 minutes after you were supposed to be at my house just to state that you are going to be a "little late". Boy...let's not state the obvious!!!! I HATE that more than I hate green peas...and I really HATE GREEN PEAS!!!
Anyways, KS has done this so many times, that I now don't even get ready for our dates until he's actually at my house. So there's a big chance that I won't be going anywhere saturday night. I really hope we go out though... I really want to tell him that we are no longer dating. I mean, why should I settle for a relationship that my heart isn't in. If this relationship isn't enough to take my mind off and my heart away from TD, then why bother? There's someone out there that can. I am sure of it. I mean, RH and I only went out once, but he's managed to make me say "TD who?" So if a "friend" can have that effect, shouldn't my "boyfriend"????

Is it really only Tuesday???

Wow!! It sure is early!!! I am definitely NOT a morning person. I don't really know if I'm a night person either. I know I used to be because I used to work the graveyard shift during the summers while I was in college. 8pm to 8am. Man, I had no life. Well actually, I did. It was weird. I met a lot of interesting people during that time. I didn't know so many people actually begin their day at 2 in the morning. I felt like a vampire or something. Anyways, let me tell you a little about my current situation. I know I won't finish this morning, since I have so much work to do...but I can get started.
Okay, as of right now, I consider myself single. The reason I say that I am single is because I am not in an exclusive, committed relationship with a guy that feels the same way about the relationship as I do. Now, I AM in many variations of that statement. Some like me more, some I like more, some think that we're dating, some I think kinda that we're dating...okay, before this gets confusing, let me explain. I'll start simple. There is a guy, TD, that I really care about and consider my first boyfriend since my tragic split with my fiance two years ago. TD and I worked together earlier this year and we began exclusively dating the first week of April. However, as the months went by, our relationship became weird. I mean, I had questions about his fidelity and even whether or not he was still interested. Everytime I thought that he wasn't interested, I would just say, Ok TD, I am out. Let's just be friends and do our own thing. But for some reason, he would always beg me to stay and then pour out his feelings and tell me why he's being so distant and blah blah blah. Well, things got okay after a while and just when I began to feel like he and I might make it after all, he dropped the bomb on me. He said that he was moving to texas for a better job opportunity. Well I've never been good with long distance relationships and while I was willing to try it with him, I knew in my heart that this was pretty much the end. Eventually the distance thing would separate us. Well, in september he left and things are pretty much like I thought they'd be...he calls maybe once every 2 weeks to say hi and tell me he misses me....and I am sure he's doing his thing there.... and me....well I have to move on, so I now consider myself single... even though if he came back to the ATL, I would definitely consider being TD's girl again.
There are other guys I need to tell you about too, but I guess I have to tell you about them one day at a time. And...I'm off to do work now. So, c-ya.

New Beginnings

Hello everyone.
I had a pretty good thanksgiving holiday. I went to Church on thanksgiving morning, which is a tradition in my household. We are not religious people per se. I don't really believe in actually being "religious". I would describe us as Christians who have a personal relationship with God. I went to visit family and then ate dinner and chilled literally until today!!! I tried my best not to do anything but sleep, eat, and see friends. Speaking of seeing friends...I finally got a chance to hang out with my phone and email friend face-to-face!!! It is so weird to know almost everything about a person except what they are like in person. I mean, we've been friends for 6 months and Friday was the very first time we had actually seen each other in the flesh. We met originally through BP...he sent me a note about his business opportunity and it was actually pretty interesting...so I asked for more info. We shot each other brief notes and eventually the notes became longer and more general. Eventually, we exchanged numbers since we had e-mailed each other faithfully...every single day...each of us writing an equivalent of at least 2-4 pages on Microsoft Word. So, we talked and talked and talked. We became so into each other that we would talk to each other and still write...and the conversations did not overlap. We'll call him RH. RH and I would talk for hours on end about everything. It was so weird to know so much about someone you've never physically met, so about august, we decided that it was way past time that we started to hang out. Well august came and we decided to send pictures to each other first. He got mine and I got his and we both were kind of modest in saying how attractive we thought the other one was. Anyways, the day before we were supposed to meet. We both actually had something else to do that following day, so we postponed it. If I knew it was going to take us until November to reunite, I would have insisted that we see each other the day we planned!!! It was a long time coming, but we finally locked eyes on Friday and I must say, I haven't stopped thinking about him since. He's an amazing guy...and for a single girl like myself, He's a perfect 10. He has all the qualities I look for in a friend, a confidant, and a husband. I don't know what the future holds...or why out of all the guys I know, he's the first one I introduce to the world....but I do know that you will be hearing more about him. You guys keep your fingers crossed for me... I really like this one.