So besides having these nightmares, everything else has been going pretty well in the land of Sway.
My birthday is Sunday, so after today, I’ll be on a mini vacation until Tuesday.
Usher and I are doing good. Of course we’re up to our usual fight/cuddle action. Monday night he even told me that he’s falling in love with me. (awwwww) My heart melted a little.
Work is going well too. I’ve been busy enough to make the day go by faster, but not so busy that I feel like slapping my co-workers and quitting. We’ve been getting spoiled around here lately because we’ve been having a lot of meetings where lunch was provided. Yesterday was the first time in a while that we all had to fend or ourselves at lunch time. None of us was too thrilled about that…so a few of us (read: the black folks in my dept.) found another department that had food and crashed their meeting. We were officially the meeting crashers. *smh* I guess not really. We didn't actually crash the meeting. We just circled the conference room until they were done, hid in the cut until they left…and immediately stocked up on food like we hadn’t ate in 2 weeks. All our grown, business suit, behinds were running back and forth to our desk piling up on the catered food from Moe's. The four of us were sooo happy we found free food. When our sneaky greedy behinds realized that there was sweet tea in there too, we ran back in there, only to be greeted by one of the meeting participants. She was looking at us all dirty. I felt like a little kid getting caught stealing from a candy store.
Dang…we should have ate our nachos and enchiladas with water. *shrug* That was the BEST food I've ever tasted. And i'm not even lying. I don't know why free food, that you actually have to steal taste SOOOO much better than food you pay for. lol
Church is….well it’s Church. I’m still at Free Spirit…aka “TG’s Church” but I must admit, I haven’t been going there as much as I should. Partly because service starts at 7:30 am…and I usually don’t leave Usher’s house until 2-3am the night before. Partly because I don’t feel like driving that far. Partly because it’s been really convenient for me to go to my old church now that I’ve officially “unjoined”. They don’t ask me to participate in anything anymore so i feel a lot more relaxed. It’s almost like…for the first time in years, I have no responsibilities in church. If I don’t show up, no one would care. No one’s waiting for me to teach Sunday school. I’m not singing or dancing every Sunday. No one's waiting for me to start intercessory prayer. So lately, I've been waking up and rolling back over until 9.
I know it’s bad. Hopefully I’ll get out of this slump soon. I miss Free Spirit. I’m gonna go this Sunday and stop playing.
As much as I hate to admit it… I know another reason I’ve been kinda hesitant about going. I know how much Usher hates it. I know I know. I shouldn't care about that. He doesn't run this...I gotta do what’s best for me... yada yada yada. But I'd be lying if I said that it affects me that he doesn’t like the church. I guess about as much as it affects him that I DO like the church. We’ve decided to squash the beef though. He “says” he’s alright with it and encourages me to go…but I still feel a little weird now even though I shouldn’t.
Speaking of weird, your boy’s been blowing my phone up leaving me messages and stuff. Yeah, TG’s tried to make a comeback more than Jordan and Mariah put together! Unlike them though… he has been THOROUGHLY unsuccessful.
I’m tired of him playing the concerned, "I never stopped loving you" role. *eye roll*
Cut your losses and move on like a man!
Well you guys… I’m gonna be off until tuesday and I am estatic! Tomorrow’s payday and I am looking forward to a happy birthday. Ya’ll know, with the exception of last year (here), I haven’t really had good birthday experiences (here). So wish me luck in making “good birthdays” the norm!
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Nightmares on Sway's Street
I’ve always been one of those people who believed that dreams were either unconscious desires, useless images/concepts you’ve subjected your mind to during the day, or divine communication with your subconscious.
My thing has always been to try and figure out which one MY dreams were.
I’ve even went as far as to buy dream interpretation books and everything. I’m really into this stuff.
I guess because over the years I’ve had some very vivid, very real dreams about things and people and events that left me speechless when I woke up. Dreams that I remember to this day. Dreams that makes people’s eyes bulge and heart beat fast when I tell it to them.
Usually these dreams are far and few in between…but I remembered them all.
Then last year I started dreaming about animals. Yeah I said animals. Stop looking at me funny.
I had about 4 dog dreams last year. Not just regular dreams with dogs in them… the dogs were like…one of the major players in these dreams. I mean, one time I woke up and literally felt the dog bite on my behind for the next two days! I knew that they meant something, but couldn’t figure out what they meant.
Well…around September of last year, I stopped having those dreams. And kinda forgot all about it.
As fate would have it… two weeks ago, I had my latest dog dream. This one I got bit in as well. Twice on my left hand to be exact.
I woke up as usual with a bewildered frown on my face and wondered what all that meant. I shrugged it off as the day went by and figured I’d know in due time. But the craziest thing happened. Usually after a dream like that, I go for months without having any bad dreams. But in the last two weeks, the dreams kept coming and coming.
For two consecutive nights, I dreamt that Usher got shot. I don’t remember him dying in either dream, but it could be because I woke up right after I saw the blood. A few nights after that, I dreamt that my car got stolen, the night after that, I lost my job...and the night after that, my parents died in a car crash.
*sigh*
This can't be a good thing. How many people have 6 bad dreams in 10 nights?
I can’t understand why such negative dreams. I haven’t been eating late as the old folks would suspect. And I haven’t been watching tv…so I have no idea where these dreams are formulating, and why in such a short time span.
It has me a little worried. Not really in the sense that these dreams are literal truth, and all this will happen just like the dream...but more so in the symbolic sense. I also wonder if these are premonitions of hardships to come, or my unconsious way of seeing/dealing with the things that have happened already.
My thing has always been to try and figure out which one MY dreams were.
I’ve even went as far as to buy dream interpretation books and everything. I’m really into this stuff.
I guess because over the years I’ve had some very vivid, very real dreams about things and people and events that left me speechless when I woke up. Dreams that I remember to this day. Dreams that makes people’s eyes bulge and heart beat fast when I tell it to them.
Usually these dreams are far and few in between…but I remembered them all.
Then last year I started dreaming about animals. Yeah I said animals. Stop looking at me funny.
I had about 4 dog dreams last year. Not just regular dreams with dogs in them… the dogs were like…one of the major players in these dreams. I mean, one time I woke up and literally felt the dog bite on my behind for the next two days! I knew that they meant something, but couldn’t figure out what they meant.
Well…around September of last year, I stopped having those dreams. And kinda forgot all about it.
As fate would have it… two weeks ago, I had my latest dog dream. This one I got bit in as well. Twice on my left hand to be exact.
I woke up as usual with a bewildered frown on my face and wondered what all that meant. I shrugged it off as the day went by and figured I’d know in due time. But the craziest thing happened. Usually after a dream like that, I go for months without having any bad dreams. But in the last two weeks, the dreams kept coming and coming.
For two consecutive nights, I dreamt that Usher got shot. I don’t remember him dying in either dream, but it could be because I woke up right after I saw the blood. A few nights after that, I dreamt that my car got stolen, the night after that, I lost my job...and the night after that, my parents died in a car crash.
*sigh*
This can't be a good thing. How many people have 6 bad dreams in 10 nights?
I can’t understand why such negative dreams. I haven’t been eating late as the old folks would suspect. And I haven’t been watching tv…so I have no idea where these dreams are formulating, and why in such a short time span.
It has me a little worried. Not really in the sense that these dreams are literal truth, and all this will happen just like the dream...but more so in the symbolic sense. I also wonder if these are premonitions of hardships to come, or my unconsious way of seeing/dealing with the things that have happened already.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
There's nothing like a good understanding...
“This isn’t working”.. I told Usher.
He closed his eyes and rolled his head backwards onto the couch and listen quietly as I killed him softly.
“We both know how different we are. You know I’m really into Church. U know I got that 'good girl' thing going on. I enjoy gospel music and I enjoy reading the Bible. I really believe that couples should be equally yoked. Plus, I could care less about name brand clothes and shoes and purses. And I don't even know the difference between Young Joc, Young Jeezy and Weesy...and whoever else. You…well you’re a bad boy. You’re into rap, and smoking, and cursing, and cars with rims… you go to church about twice a year and everything you want has to be big and flashy and expensive. You don't care for the music I like, and you live your life by your rules. Everything I like you don’t, everything you like, I don’t. We’re just too different. Something’s gotta give. Somethings gotta change…and I…”
He got up and headed to his closet as if he’d heard all he needed to and began sorting his dirty clothes into washable piles.
“Usher, I’m still talking…I’m no”
“Sway I think you’ve said enough.” He interrupts. “There’s nothing else to say.”
I watch him carefully place his work clothes in one neat pile on the floor. His body language would have me to believe that our conversation was over and he was fine, but I couldn’t help but see those 3 tears running down his left cheek. He tried to hide them, but I saw them.
I get up and lead him back to the couch.
I sit on his lap, facing him. His face is about 2 inches away from mine. I stare into his tear filled eyes. I know him well enough now to know that his tears and mine mean two very different things. He only tears up when he’s mad or dissapointed. I pretty much cry about everything.
“I’m not leaving you Usher.” I say while cuping his face in my hands.
He tries to look away, but I continued to shift his eyes back to mine.
I’m starting to understand him. Though he doesn’t talk about her much, his ex really did some major damage by walking out on him. He’s not afraid of a lot, but I know that the one thing that scares him the most is being abandoned again.
“Look at me Usher. Look at me. I am NOT leaving you. Okay? But this is gonna be a MAJOR problem in the future. If we’re really gonna make this relationship work, some things MUST change. Otherwise, we’re wasting each other’s time. ”
He seemed to relax just a little bit. His main concern was addressed...and once I cleared the air about that...he was more open to hearing me out.
I didn't know how to make him understand where I was coming from. He thought that our relationship was perfectly fine. Nothing was wrong in his eyes. He often told me, "Sway, why we need to talk? You my girl, i'm your dude...the only thing we need to talk about is how our day is...or what we gonna do on the weekend. All the hard stuff was solved when we agreed to be together."
In his eyes...the only time we needed to stop and do some serious talking is when we decided to either get married, move in together, or have a child. Other than that, every moment should be simple, lighthearted and fun.
I didn't see it that way. I mean, I wish it WAS that way for me. But it wasn't. I've been struggling with stuff from the beginning. I knew from jump that my spirituality and his lack thereof would soon lead to some major issues for me. It's not a thing for him, but it's everything to me. I have never dated anyone who didn’t do the church thing. I mean, I honestly believe in the whole equally yoked bit. I want my man to be into the same things I’m into. I don’t want to forever be bound to someone who has different values and views than I do. How can I get my praise on if he’s always smoking? How can he blast his rap music in the house if I’m always praying? It can’t happen. And I knew that from day one. Yet I still chose to be with him. At first, because I didn’t have the heart to keep on fighting him away. Now because I actually like him and am genuinely care for him. I expressed my feelings about all of this when we first met but just kept coming around to, “Sway, you haven’t even tried yet. You don’t know if it would work or not. At least give us a chance.”
Against my better judgement, I gave us a chance. I don't regret one moment of our time together, but I must face the reality that always was: if we have any chance at all in making this work, we’ve got a lot of odds against us that we need to come to an understanding about.
We talked and talked...but at the end of the day, I still didn't see things his way. How can we be so different and work?
I got my answer when I met his parents.
Usher is a spitting image of his dad. Not in the physical sense really, but their mannerism, beliefs, crazy sayings… are so close to they seem to be one in the same. Usher IS his daddy. Both talking cold cash about everything. Loud, crazy, free spirited men. I couldn’t believe it!
The first words out of Dad’s mouth when we arrived at their home was…
“Da hell? Neegro u done got biiiig! I know for sure I can whip yo’ azz on the court now. When you wanna get spanked?”
Usher laughed, dapped his daddy like they were homeboys and retorted back with...
“Sh** man, we can do this wheneva. This rock hard body I got will crush your ole azz on the court”.
They continued to call each other out their name and talk cold cash for the remainder of our visit. I was speechless. I've never heard an exchange like this before. Did they really just talked to each other like that? And no love was lost? No one felt disrespected?
"*shrug* That’s how they are." Usher's mom whispered to me after greeting me and seeing my expression.
I had met his mom before. So I knew how she was… but seeing his dad threw me for a loop. How in the heck did these two manage to hook up, marry, and stay together for over 40 years?
Usher’s mom was a sweet, softspoken lady who just rolled her eyes and smiled at her husband after one of his loud rants about nothing and said… “That’s Tom for ya”.
Seeing them interact with each other really blew my mind. They were so different! She was a nice sophisticated woman who’s past times included going to church, caring for her elderly aunt, cooking, and occasionally indulging in a little guilty pleasure with a glass of Chardonnay or Moet. Her husband was a loud, crazy talking man whose religion was golf, gambling, and beer. While she talked to me about Church and her job, he was telling Usher about one of his wild conspiracy theories and updating him on his friend who got drunk at a card game and shot himself in the foot. Yet, he and his wife got along perfectly. It was funny to see them having two totally different conversations, but still rubbing on each other's legs and playing footsie while doing it.
I finally got why Usher insisted that I meet them. They were pretty much us. He wanted me to see what he saw.
She hated golf ... he hated gospel concerts, yet they loved each other dearly. She may be in Atlanta at church on Sunday while he was in Augusta at the golf course, but when they got together that evening, they both enjoyed the dinner and movie they saw.
It opened my eyes a little as to why Usher really thought we could work. His parents had successfully done it for 40+ years. I’ve never seen anything like it. And his parents seemed genuinely happy. It was like, they had their own things they did…and when it was time to get together... they enjoyed every minute of it.
On our way back from their house…I told him that I finally understood what he’s been saying all this time. And thought that it was time for him to meet my parents so maybe he too can undertsand me better as well.
Since then, we’ve been learning more about each other…finding out how I can be me and he can be him and still make US work.
When I want to get my praise on and he doesn't, he goes and washes my car, or plays ball and by the time he comes back, we continue where we left off.
When he wants to smoke, he does it before i come over or we take a stroll outside so that the smoke doesn't in my hair/clothes as much.
If we're in the car together, we listen to something like old school r&b, which both of us enjoy. (or TI - lol)
Surprisingly…it’s been working. I'm happy.
I definitely believe that opposites attract…but in my heart, I still believe that the similarities are what keeps most couples.
I guess we’ll see…
He closed his eyes and rolled his head backwards onto the couch and listen quietly as I killed him softly.
“We both know how different we are. You know I’m really into Church. U know I got that 'good girl' thing going on. I enjoy gospel music and I enjoy reading the Bible. I really believe that couples should be equally yoked. Plus, I could care less about name brand clothes and shoes and purses. And I don't even know the difference between Young Joc, Young Jeezy and Weesy...and whoever else. You…well you’re a bad boy. You’re into rap, and smoking, and cursing, and cars with rims… you go to church about twice a year and everything you want has to be big and flashy and expensive. You don't care for the music I like, and you live your life by your rules. Everything I like you don’t, everything you like, I don’t. We’re just too different. Something’s gotta give. Somethings gotta change…and I…”
He got up and headed to his closet as if he’d heard all he needed to and began sorting his dirty clothes into washable piles.
“Usher, I’m still talking…I’m no”
“Sway I think you’ve said enough.” He interrupts. “There’s nothing else to say.”
I watch him carefully place his work clothes in one neat pile on the floor. His body language would have me to believe that our conversation was over and he was fine, but I couldn’t help but see those 3 tears running down his left cheek. He tried to hide them, but I saw them.
I get up and lead him back to the couch.
I sit on his lap, facing him. His face is about 2 inches away from mine. I stare into his tear filled eyes. I know him well enough now to know that his tears and mine mean two very different things. He only tears up when he’s mad or dissapointed. I pretty much cry about everything.
“I’m not leaving you Usher.” I say while cuping his face in my hands.
He tries to look away, but I continued to shift his eyes back to mine.
I’m starting to understand him. Though he doesn’t talk about her much, his ex really did some major damage by walking out on him. He’s not afraid of a lot, but I know that the one thing that scares him the most is being abandoned again.
“Look at me Usher. Look at me. I am NOT leaving you. Okay? But this is gonna be a MAJOR problem in the future. If we’re really gonna make this relationship work, some things MUST change. Otherwise, we’re wasting each other’s time. ”
He seemed to relax just a little bit. His main concern was addressed...and once I cleared the air about that...he was more open to hearing me out.
I didn't know how to make him understand where I was coming from. He thought that our relationship was perfectly fine. Nothing was wrong in his eyes. He often told me, "Sway, why we need to talk? You my girl, i'm your dude...the only thing we need to talk about is how our day is...or what we gonna do on the weekend. All the hard stuff was solved when we agreed to be together."
In his eyes...the only time we needed to stop and do some serious talking is when we decided to either get married, move in together, or have a child. Other than that, every moment should be simple, lighthearted and fun.
I didn't see it that way. I mean, I wish it WAS that way for me. But it wasn't. I've been struggling with stuff from the beginning. I knew from jump that my spirituality and his lack thereof would soon lead to some major issues for me. It's not a thing for him, but it's everything to me. I have never dated anyone who didn’t do the church thing. I mean, I honestly believe in the whole equally yoked bit. I want my man to be into the same things I’m into. I don’t want to forever be bound to someone who has different values and views than I do. How can I get my praise on if he’s always smoking? How can he blast his rap music in the house if I’m always praying? It can’t happen. And I knew that from day one. Yet I still chose to be with him. At first, because I didn’t have the heart to keep on fighting him away. Now because I actually like him and am genuinely care for him. I expressed my feelings about all of this when we first met but just kept coming around to, “Sway, you haven’t even tried yet. You don’t know if it would work or not. At least give us a chance.”
Against my better judgement, I gave us a chance. I don't regret one moment of our time together, but I must face the reality that always was: if we have any chance at all in making this work, we’ve got a lot of odds against us that we need to come to an understanding about.
We talked and talked...but at the end of the day, I still didn't see things his way. How can we be so different and work?
I got my answer when I met his parents.
Usher is a spitting image of his dad. Not in the physical sense really, but their mannerism, beliefs, crazy sayings… are so close to they seem to be one in the same. Usher IS his daddy. Both talking cold cash about everything. Loud, crazy, free spirited men. I couldn’t believe it!
The first words out of Dad’s mouth when we arrived at their home was…
“Da hell? Neegro u done got biiiig! I know for sure I can whip yo’ azz on the court now. When you wanna get spanked?”
Usher laughed, dapped his daddy like they were homeboys and retorted back with...
“Sh** man, we can do this wheneva. This rock hard body I got will crush your ole azz on the court”.
They continued to call each other out their name and talk cold cash for the remainder of our visit. I was speechless. I've never heard an exchange like this before. Did they really just talked to each other like that? And no love was lost? No one felt disrespected?
"*shrug* That’s how they are." Usher's mom whispered to me after greeting me and seeing my expression.
I had met his mom before. So I knew how she was… but seeing his dad threw me for a loop. How in the heck did these two manage to hook up, marry, and stay together for over 40 years?
Usher’s mom was a sweet, softspoken lady who just rolled her eyes and smiled at her husband after one of his loud rants about nothing and said… “That’s Tom for ya”.
Seeing them interact with each other really blew my mind. They were so different! She was a nice sophisticated woman who’s past times included going to church, caring for her elderly aunt, cooking, and occasionally indulging in a little guilty pleasure with a glass of Chardonnay or Moet. Her husband was a loud, crazy talking man whose religion was golf, gambling, and beer. While she talked to me about Church and her job, he was telling Usher about one of his wild conspiracy theories and updating him on his friend who got drunk at a card game and shot himself in the foot. Yet, he and his wife got along perfectly. It was funny to see them having two totally different conversations, but still rubbing on each other's legs and playing footsie while doing it.
I finally got why Usher insisted that I meet them. They were pretty much us. He wanted me to see what he saw.
She hated golf ... he hated gospel concerts, yet they loved each other dearly. She may be in Atlanta at church on Sunday while he was in Augusta at the golf course, but when they got together that evening, they both enjoyed the dinner and movie they saw.
It opened my eyes a little as to why Usher really thought we could work. His parents had successfully done it for 40+ years. I’ve never seen anything like it. And his parents seemed genuinely happy. It was like, they had their own things they did…and when it was time to get together... they enjoyed every minute of it.
On our way back from their house…I told him that I finally understood what he’s been saying all this time. And thought that it was time for him to meet my parents so maybe he too can undertsand me better as well.
Since then, we’ve been learning more about each other…finding out how I can be me and he can be him and still make US work.
When I want to get my praise on and he doesn't, he goes and washes my car, or plays ball and by the time he comes back, we continue where we left off.
When he wants to smoke, he does it before i come over or we take a stroll outside so that the smoke doesn't in my hair/clothes as much.
If we're in the car together, we listen to something like old school r&b, which both of us enjoy. (or TI - lol)
Surprisingly…it’s been working. I'm happy.
I definitely believe that opposites attract…but in my heart, I still believe that the similarities are what keeps most couples.
I guess we’ll see…
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