Ain't this some BS!!!!

Please click on link and READ this

i don't care in what context he said this...the fact that he came up with this as a possible solution makes me wanna slap him, his mama, and his grandmama!

Anyways... besides that... i'm having a waaaaaaaaaandaful friday. I love the fall weather. It's not payday...but i'm still crunk. Grateful for another day... my health and peace of mind...friends and family... a job...and luxuries we rarely called luxury (ie..shelter, bed, food, running water, air condition ...etc.)

HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE!!

Fruity Cars, Broken Weddings… uh switch that…

So I was hoping to come in today and tell you guys how TG and my first counseling session went… but…err.. we didn’t make it. Is that a bad sign?
Man, this weekend was crazy. It was a good crazy for the most part. TG and I got a taste of how it would be when we get married and start living together. The reason… well… I pretty much was stranded at his house while my car was being “fixed”. *sigh* Yeah right. Fixed nothing. No one knows what’s wrong with it. Every place I go, they put it on the diagnostic machine and tell me that I have a small leak. But NO ONE can find it…and no one knows why my “check engine light” is on. *sigh* I still can’t pass emissions and I have until Friday to get my tag. *panicking*
I took off last Friday and this Monday to ENSURE that I’d have enough time to get the car fixed and go get my emissions test. Yeah…that didn’t happen. I dished out all my money only to be told, “um, Ma’am…we can’t do anything with this car…you might wanna take this to the dealership.” Yuck! I hate it. It sucks! *throwing a tantrum* So now I have to plan to take the car to the dealership all early in the morning tomorrow… then wonder what they’ll find, how long I’ll be carless…and how much is all this gonna cost. I’m not excited AT.ALL.

So, we missed our counseling session cuz we had to go pick up my car all late from the shop way ‘cross town. We rescheduled it for this Saturday. *sigh* We’ll see.

Moving along….

I went to a gay wedding this weekend.

Okay wait… that didn’t come out right.

What I meant to say is… I went to a wedding of a gay err...reformed man. It was…INTERSTING to say the least. I was very amused. Dude was OBVIOUSLY “on the other team”. In fact…he’d said so many MANY times during his life. So it’s not speculation or rumors. He was gay and proud. Dude was flamboyant with it. But, he got saved…and says God showed him the err of his ways… NOW, he’s very much in love with his best friend…a 350+ pound diva who knew him in all his stages… straight, bi, gay, REALLY gay, and now…reformed straight. She’s always loved him and stuck by his side through it all. I guess once he got saved and changed teams again… he realized he was in love with her…so he and his best friend tied the knot. Nice concept. But VERY weird to see. Trust me.

It was the weirdest wedding I’ve EVER seen. Imagine all these guys with lip gloss and shiny nails walking down the aisle twisting harder than the heavy set masculine looking bridesmaids. *shuttering* It was funny. But I have to give it to the couple. They did seem to really be in love with each other. I’ve never heard anyone shout their vows as loud as he did. Even though he still had that “gay man lisp” (how come the effeminate ones all have that lisp and do that same head movement?) and his movements were still very suspect…He convinced me that he was FOR REAL for real about loving her and wanting her to be his wife. lol
I’m glad they at least trying to do right. It was really interesting.

What do ya’ll think about that? Do you think that openly gay men can change and be happy with a woman? Just curious.

Talk is talk... talk is cheap. Tell it to her...don't say it to me. ~ Missy

There has been talk.

Some talk.

More talk than I’d like.

Talk of us separating.

Every other week it’s something with TG. One week he makes plans for us to just go to the courthouse and get married that Friday… and the week after, he’s taking a step back to make sure this is the best thing for all of us. Some days he’s soooooo sure and soooooooo ready. Other days he claims to be, but I can see the uncertainty in his eyes. I mean, it’s never been a time where I questioned his love…and never been a time where we hated each other… There’s never been a time where he’s said he wants out… or a time where he thought twice about wanting to marry me. It’s just that… with all of the issues dealing with his kids and his ex….we both wonder if all of this is worth fighting for. We both wonder if we’re ready for all this NOW. We both wonder if we should just…separate for a while.

But then... we get together... he and I and the kids... and they draw cute pics of TG and I during church services...and write "I love Sway and Daddy" all over their papers... and he and i lock eyes and know...this is OUR family. We all fit. We all love each other. We all want it to work. We're at peace again. We know we'll be fine. We know they'll be fine. We know it'll all work out. And as the onlookers gaze at the 4 of us...all they can say is... "ya'll are such a cute family".
*proud smile*

So of course…there has been more talk.

A lot of talk.

Talk of us getting married. How can we toggle between getting married one week and calling the entire thing off the next is beyond me. Well actually... it IS me. lol. I'm the one always trying to take a break. Trying to make sure he's ready. Trying to tell him to weigh his options. Making him really think about if this is what he wants. Making sure this is really what I want. I guess i dont want to get hurt. I guess i want him to KNOW that he KNOWS. I don't want any surprises. But i'm done with that now. Enough is enough. I'm done..."what if"-ing. I'm ready. Not just to love him and be faithful to him...but i'm ready for it all. To be a mother of a 6 and 7 year old. To be a minister's wife. To be his partner in the music ministry. To be the daughter of a Bishop. To have 4 more siblings. To explain to all my male friends that they can no longer call me after 8. To refer to myself and my stuff as "US", "We" and "Ours". To deal with an ex wife that still wants TG back. I'm ready for it all.
And i know that he is too.

So ...
TG talked to his Pastor about how with each passing day it becomes harder and harder for us to function out of two different households. It's almost a NEED for us to go ahead and marry. It would be cheaper...easier to start the ministry God's placed in us, much more convenient for all of us...better for us morally, and it would solve alot concerning the children.
His Pastor suggested that we go through a month or two of intense counseling and let him marry us if we’re still ready after counseling. TG loved the idea. Me...*shrug* it's cool. My only gripe is that I know that even if his…err… OUR (still working on that "we/us/our" thing) Pastor marry us, we still wouldn’t have a wedding until MUCH later. I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. We’ve talked about that a lot too. And still there's no cut and dry answer. I'm ready to be married...but I'm still kinda old fashioned. I want to get MARRIED at my WEDDING. Not be married and then have a wedding later.

So...that's where we are. Decisions…decisions. Either way, we’re starting counseling next weekend. I’ll keep you posted.

So it's friday and I'm in agonizing pain because of the body cramps i'm having on account of my monthly visitor. I hate this because it's not just that my stomach hurts... no no no... that would be bearable...but i'm losing iron, which makes me sleepy and cold. My entire freaking BODY is in pain... even my knees and eyelashes (no seriously). I look like crap since i was late cuz i tried to sleep as long as possible since the pain kept waking me up during the night. I'm hungry cuz i haven't eaten anything cuz i'm too tired and in too much pain to get up and go find food. And i can't take my drugs until i eat. I mean you don't understand. I am DRAINED...like i just ran 10 marathons or something... I didn't even feel like sitting up this morning. It was WORK trying to get outta the doggone bed... and not to mention having to come to work and pretend to be happy and productive.So now u want me to read and type and answer questions and stuff. How about a NO!!!!! I HURT. Leeeeee me Lone!

Ok. Now that i'm done venting.

How is everyone this beautiful friday morning? :)

I'm Pregnant

*blink, blink*

I can’t believe this. So many questions…when did it happen? How is all this gonna work out? What is everyone gonna think…KNOWING about the celibacy thing we all are supposedly doing? What are the parents gonna say? What about everything? After finding out this shocking news I just stood there. I didn’t really know how to react. I mean I’m happy…but scared…worried…anxious…*sigh* man…I’m just confused.

I looked at her, took a deep breath and gave her a supportive hug. I know for my best friend, finding out she’s pregnant is devastating. Not for the obvious reasons of her not being ready to be a mother right now…or her not being married…but well…she’s starting seminary school in a week, and being unmarried and pregnant is NOT a good way to start off on the right foot. Plus she’s a minister and a mentor to the young teenage girls. What will they say when they find out? It has to be hard. The pressure to do right…and knowing that her slip up is going to be made public in less than 9 months is hard. Being so active in the church and having the same young people you told practice abstinence watch your belly grow can’t be easy. Yet… I know she’ll be fine.

It must have been hard to tell me. I hugged her because I understand. I hugged her because I felt her pain when I looked into her eyes. 2 years of celibacy with a guy she’s planning to marry and one slip up changed it all. I hugged her because I wanted to reassure her that I had her back. I hugged her because I wanted her to know that I would NEVER look down on her or treat her differently for what happened. I hugged her because I needed her to know that it’s okay...she's gonna be okay...they all will be okay. I hugged her because I wished everyday that someone would have hugged me 6 years ago when I was pregnant.

All I needed was a hug. A simple embrace. A shoulder to let my liquid emotions run down on. That would have helped me. I know it. Just to be able to tell someone and them not judge me. That would have maybe changed the outcome of things. It would have helped save a life. My baby’s life.
The guilt. The shame. The worry. The three major factors that took my baby’s life. You’d be amazed at the physical toll that worry can take on your body. *sigh*
I felt that no one would understand. I felt that my parents would kick me out and disown me. The perfect goody two shoes finally messed up. At 19, I saw the plus sign on a take home pregnancy test. I told my boyfriend of 2 months and we both knew what that meant. The pressure. The anxiety. I couldn’t eat… I couldn’t sleep. I worried constantly about how to tell everyone. I figured I’d have to move in with my boyfriend. Drop out of Emory and get a low paying job somewhere. I’d have to switch churches because I knew that mine would never let me live that down. I worried. I cried. I held it in. My belly grew… I wore girdles and baggier clothes. Till one day… my baby was gone. I felt horrible. The initial reality that your baby is gone is agony and it felt like a dagger in my heart…yet… as cruel as it seems…I also felt relieved. I hated that my baby was gone…but relieved that no one had to know. Grieving over a life that he/she was never able to start, yet glad that my life was no longer in immediate danger of ending. Sad that I’d always think about my baby and wish everyday that things would have went down differently, yet… happy that I wouldn’t have to pay for my one mistake. Little did I know… I'd pay for my mistake each and everyday. Constant reminders of the life that was almost here and suddenly gone, plague my thoughts so often I feel as if I’m constantly reliving those few months in ’99 over and over again. That’s plenty payback. Trust me. Worry… pressure…guilt…shame… killed my baby. I didn’t want that to happen to her.

Now she’s pregnant… and floods of memories come to my mind. My throat closed up and my eyes stung with tears. I didn’t know what to say to her although I knew EXACTLY how she felt.

So Sunday, outside of the church doors where she told me her news…. I just hugged her… and cried.

Tears flowed for the death of my child…and for the life of hers. Tears flowed for our shared hurt… and our shared strength. They flowed for our mutual excitement about the addition of this bundle of joy, and for the reality of the struggles with bringing another life into this cold, unfriendly world. I’m not sure how long we stood there embracing… sniffling…and crying…letting the sunlight wrap it’s arms around us and the serene sound of the September morning air whisper words of encouragement to us…. but… I do know that she NEEDED that hug. I hugged her because I needed her to know that it’s okay...she's gonna be okay...they all will be okay.... WE all will be okay.

Beautiful

Today is beautiful. I'm sleepy and tired, student loans pretty much takes my entire salary for the next 5 years, TG and my relationship has been through more turns than a six flags ride, I still haven’t moved into my own place, and this trick ankle I have has been bothering me for over a month…yet… TODAY is beautiful. Even if it was dark, dreary, cold, and rainy, it would STILL be beautiful.

Today is beautiful because I’m here to see it.

Today is beautiful because I have a place to call home, my stomach’s full, I know where my family is, and I’m even happy to know that my annoying co-worker is well. Life is about perspectives. I have so much to be thankful for. The things we take for granted each day. Life itself. Breathing. Seeing, Moving… it goes on. I’m just grateful to God for another day.

My weekend was turbulent, but as usual it ended well. Labor day was nice. TG came over for dinner and we ended up watching a few movies and calling it a night. My parents, TG, and I looked real nice around our table. He told me last night..(and again this morning) that he really felt at home with us. Everything just flowed. No tension, no akward silences. It felt like he’d been eating at our table for years. I pray that he WILL be eating at our table for years….and years…and years. It was very relaxing. It felt like he was family. Which was good in many ways… bad in two. lol. Everyone says that we look alike. When I met his family, I heard some of the women saying to each other, she already look like a G******. I look like I could be his sister honestly. Which was NOT really cool to SAY to me when we went to walmart together before dinner. I’ll admit…I was looking a little homely. I’ve had better days. My hair was air dried (read:poofy) and roughly managed with a headband. I had on some regular carpenter jeans and a black t-shirt, black flip flops. He let it be made known when we got in Walmart that I looked a hot mess. lol. Thanks TG. *eye roll* Anywho…he proceeded to make fun of me and tell me that if anyone asked, I was his sister. Of course that remark was followed by a punch in his left arm…and a long glaring stare. He thought it was hilarious and continued to call me his sister all throughout the day. *sigh* Men. At least he said he loved his sister. *shrug* I guess I can deal with that for a day.

Dinner was cool. Conversation was simple…just like we actually all WERE family and TG WAS my sibling. Moms decided she wanna crack on me and all. It was crazy. lol

TG: Man these beans are good. It has a little extra….extra zing in them.
Mom: Yeah, my special recipe. So TG, can u cook.
TG: Oh yeah. Both my grandmothers had me in the kitchen at 12 learning how to cook. I can throw down. I cook collards, cornbread from scratch, cabbage, etc….
Mom: *glancing at me* Well that’s good. It’ll definitely come in handy.
Me: *looking at my plate like…I can’t believe she just said that*

How DARE my momma say that. How she gone incenuate that I can’t cook? ME. Chef Swayzee… the master of the kitchen? Man, I don’t know WHY she playing. I’m the BOMB cereal maker and I can toast the heck outta some bread! lol

Naw…but for real it was all in good fun though I seemed to be the butt of everyone’s jokes. *shrug* At least my daddy was quiet. Maybe i'll make him a cake for his good behavior. lol It’s all good though… payback is a’coming for the rest! lol


Anywho… I hope all had a great holiday. And continue to pray for everyone affected by all the floods around the world. Pray for peace. Pray for direction from God. Pray that all will be well. God is still in control…and He still can change situations and circumstances! God Bless!