A few months back I posed some questions (here) that I’ve been pondering for the last few years of my life… and I got two of them answered last night.
**Flashback**
After TD and I broke up last September due to his move to Texas and our unwillingness to even TRY a long distance relationship…I began to realize how bad we were together. I’ve written a few posts about him over the months so I won’t go back over how crazy in love I was with this guy whom I knew just wasn’t right for me. Around that time I started listening to Syleena J’s Chapter 2 CD. I’m talking about I was really feeling her. That doggone CD stayed in heavy rotation until like the end of December (which is when AM and I had started getting kinda close) But the funny thing about it is that I would only play the CD up to about track # 8. I mean those tracks were just so on point with what I was feeling I kept them on repeat day in and day out.
My two favorite songs were I’m Gon Cry and Is That You. (Check the lyrics out.) Man…those were my ANTHEMS for like 3 months! I mean she took the words right out of my mouth ya know? I’d be in my car just bobbin my head, waving my hand and singing/screaming the words to "Is That You” like some gentlemen callers were right there in front of me. Then in December I met AM and he made me forgot all about Ms. Syleena and her songs. It wasn’t until last week after thinking about Anthony that I decided to dust off my “ole favorite” and get to playing my “I’m Gon Cry” song. I mean when I thought about him… all her lyrics just came right to mind. So for the last week I been jamming to it.
**Flashforward**
Well… somehow yesterday I forgot to put my songs on repeat and I started to wander waaaaaaay past track 8 and before I knew it… I was getting into all her love songs. I can’t remember what I was thinking about but when I came to and realized what I was listening to… I started frowning and in my grumpiest Mr. Grinch voice I was like… “what I 'm listening to this fo? Hmph” So I started to cut it off... when this song came on and caught me something terrible. Then when it went off and I tried to turn it off then another one came on and caught me even more. I mean it got me right there in the middle of my throat where if I even TRIED to breathe too deep or talk I would just burst into sobs. My eyes started to swell up with tears I refused to let fall… I couldn’t believe how incredibly beautiful her songs “No Words” and “Guitars of the Heart (Happy)” were. Anybody ever heard them? Man… my mind started wandering around to every guy I’ve ever loved. It’s the kind of song that made me wish I were in love JUST so I could play those songs to him and hummm along with her. I couldn’t believe how much I was FEELING THOSE SONGS.
I realized that even in the midst of pseudo bitterness and singleness…I’m still in love. I’ve realized I that I am soooo in love with love. I LOVE love. I love how love makes me feel. I love love songs… love poems… love smells… love grins.. heart flutters…eye stares… synchronized breathin… hand holding…ear whispers…ooohh…I just love the way I feel when I’m in love. I miss listening to songs like "No Words" and "Guitars of the Heart (Happy)" in the car and having ppl look at me funny b/c I’m smiling like an idiot even though no one’s in the car with me. I miss thinking about that special someone while the song’s spinning and then giving them the biggest hug and kiss the next time I see them just b/c I’ve been thinking about how wonderful they make me feel. I AM SO IN LOVE WITH LOVE.
I must have listened to this song about 12 times in a row yesterday before crying (okay I do get really emotional and sentimental during that time of month) my little eyes out cause I miss love so much.
That’s when TD called me. I told ya’ll he was comin to town didn’t I? Talkin about timing. That’s about the last thing I needed right then. A guy I was crazy in love with calling me to tell me he misses me and wants to see me right at the very time that I’m missin love and really wanting to feel it again. This could be disasterous. I mean Syleena said it best....
"No we can't be friends /Cause when I talk to you I catch them old feelings/It might make me want ya back/When it's dangerous to want ya back…"
I couldn’t talk to him then… not when I’m feeling so vulnerable… so malleable. I was in trouble.
We talked for a while before he asked me to come over to the house cuz a lot of his folks was there to see him and he really wanted me there too. Against the wishes of the “logical/sensible” side of me I went. The whole time I thought about how bad of an idea this was. I thought about how easily I’d fall if he just blew a little on me… and I didn’t wanna experience another heartbreak. But yet I didn’t turn around. And when I stepped out of my car… I just wasn’t ready for the kind of welcome he greeted me with. I wasn’t prepared for the new TD. I mean… he was the kind of guy that just took me for granted when we were together. But for the last few months… he’s really seemed to have a change of heart. It’s like it finally hit him that I was a good girlfriend. I guess it is true… you don’t miss a good thang til it’s gone. And maybe absense DO make the heart grow fonder.
Anyway… when he saw me…he gave me the biggest hug and forehead kiss (which has been my kiss of choice since I was 14) known to man. He had these yellow roses (which are my favorite EVER) in his hand and gave them to me….which of course made me turn red. Then he just kept hugging me and looking at me with the biggest grin on his face. He said I looked great. He did too actually. He put on a few pounds and it was REALLY working for him. I commented to him that at least he got a woman over in Texas that’s feeding him good. He laughed it off… but we both know he does. And I’m cool with that.
For the entire night we kicked it with the rest of his friends… had a few drinks.. told a few jokes… shot the breeze and etc. It was great. He made me feel incredible. Completely different from anything I remember about him. He held my hand the hold night. People were coming in left and right.. and he was all over the place.. talking to this one.. huggin that one… giving directions on the phone to this one…and introducing that one to the other one… and during it all… he held my hand. I never left his side. For that one night…he was the guy I wanted to sing “No Words” and “Guitars of the Heart (Happy)” to. For that one night… he made my tears go away. For that one night… I got to feel the love I’ve been missing and craving. Even though Sunday he’s going back to Texas and I’ll still be here in Atlanta…
and by next week we’ll be nothing but a mere afterthought in each other’s mind... Last night, he was my love. And he was just what the doctor ordered. He was my Motrin… my advil… my temporary fix. And I’m grateful for that. I don’t know what next week will hold… or even the week after that… but as for right now… I’m happy that I felt what I felt. Right now... I’m happy.
It truly IS better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all.
Friday, July 23, 2004
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Inter.rupted
Well… I was all excited about spending my week long vacation next week in Myrtle Beach. My friend TJ and I reserved a nice oceanfront suite with 2 balconies… one in the bedroom and one in the living room. I was literally counting down the days (8 days, 3hours, and 14minutes) until we rode off into the sunset heading towards the beach. Well unfortunately TJ’s grandfather was just admitted into the hospital the other day and the doctors found brain tumors… yes TUMORSSSS… and all grandpa had to say was … “Listen here…I’m 75 years old and ain't nobody poked no holes in my brain yet… and they ain't gone start now.”
Of course TJ’s family are all worried because he has so many tumors and no one knows just how long he has to live… so TJ called me yesterday to tell me that he needs to go back home to Arkansas to see grandpa. Even though he said he’d be back in time to go to Myrtle Beach… I just wasn’t feeling it anymore. We wouldn’t be able to have as much fun as I’d like while thinking about Grandpa and his tumors. So we cancelled all our reservations and I’ll just be sitting around the house all week for my burrrrthay.
I was REALLY hurt about it last night though. I really wanted to just get away ya know? So much has happened in the last month …some of which I’ve blogged on…others of which I have pretty much kept to myself… but I NEEDED this vacation. I needed to fall asleep in the arms of a friend while letting the sound of the melodic ocean waves sooth my every worry. I really NEEDED to think about nothing but finding unbroken sea shells in the sand and only worrying about if the bottom of my pants are getting wet from walking along beach shore. I actually cried last night because I wanted to go away that bad. I mean there are other people I could have went with and other things I can still do, but I dunno. It was just something special about TJ and I going… together… at this time in our lives. He says we can go next month maybe…but I don’t think it’ll be the same. I’ll get over it though. As you can tell… I don’t deal with “change of plans” too well. I think that was my biggest problem… I don’t like surpises… I don’t like changes to what I feel are perfect plans. You’d think by now I’d be used to it. But it’s just something I can’t get used to. I dunno.
I really hope grandpa feels better though. I sincerely do. Gone.
Of course TJ’s family are all worried because he has so many tumors and no one knows just how long he has to live… so TJ called me yesterday to tell me that he needs to go back home to Arkansas to see grandpa. Even though he said he’d be back in time to go to Myrtle Beach… I just wasn’t feeling it anymore. We wouldn’t be able to have as much fun as I’d like while thinking about Grandpa and his tumors. So we cancelled all our reservations and I’ll just be sitting around the house all week for my burrrrthay.
I was REALLY hurt about it last night though. I really wanted to just get away ya know? So much has happened in the last month …some of which I’ve blogged on…others of which I have pretty much kept to myself… but I NEEDED this vacation. I needed to fall asleep in the arms of a friend while letting the sound of the melodic ocean waves sooth my every worry. I really NEEDED to think about nothing but finding unbroken sea shells in the sand and only worrying about if the bottom of my pants are getting wet from walking along beach shore. I actually cried last night because I wanted to go away that bad. I mean there are other people I could have went with and other things I can still do, but I dunno. It was just something special about TJ and I going… together… at this time in our lives. He says we can go next month maybe…but I don’t think it’ll be the same. I’ll get over it though. As you can tell… I don’t deal with “change of plans” too well. I think that was my biggest problem… I don’t like surpises… I don’t like changes to what I feel are perfect plans. You’d think by now I’d be used to it. But it’s just something I can’t get used to. I dunno.
I really hope grandpa feels better though. I sincerely do. Gone.
Friday, July 16, 2004
It's da weekend baby!!!!!!!
Okay I don't think anyone really knows how SUPER FREAKIN CRUNK I am right now because it's Friday!! I am sooo happy. I feel like just skippin around the office a couple of times and beatboxin just for the heck of it. I mean really... I've been in kind of a slump lately. Partly because of all the bull jive Anthony caused....and also partly becuase I was mad at myself for getting into a relationship with him in the first place. See... i've been told everything about the young man that I'm supposed to marry except his name. I mean VERY specific things... Which half of them Anthony did NOT have/do. BUT...he was soooo friggin nice and all, so I ignored the "word" i heard and start clingin to him. However, I've let it go...(oh yeah btw, i called yesterday to tell him i rethought this friendship thing and i didn't think it was such a good idea...so we should just keep it at goodbye.)
I feel SOOOO much better now. Plus my buuuuuuuurrrthay is coming up 2 fridays from now...which IS a payday and I am ready to blow that ENTIRE wad on somethin. Yesssssss siiirrrr! I'm sooo ready. I have so much energy right now... i kinda feel like Phil LaMarr as the "UBS" man on Mad TV. I guess it's good that hardly no one's here today so if I do just spring outta my seat and take a lap around the ole office... i won't get any weird stares. lol
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~~*~*~*~* ~*!~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I feel SOOOO much better now. Plus my buuuuuuuurrrthay is coming up 2 fridays from now...which IS a payday and I am ready to blow that ENTIRE wad on somethin. Yesssssss siiirrrr! I'm sooo ready. I have so much energy right now... i kinda feel like Phil LaMarr as the "UBS" man on Mad TV. I guess it's good that hardly no one's here today so if I do just spring outta my seat and take a lap around the ole office... i won't get any weird stares. lol
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~~*~*~*~* ~*!~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
At times when I'm lost I try to find you
You know to give me space when it's time to
My heart's dictionary defines you,
it's love and happiness
Truthfully it's hard tryin to practice abstinence
The time we committed love it was real good
Had to be for me to arrive and it still feel good
I know the sex ain't gon' keep you,
but as my equal it's how I must treat you
As my reflection in light I'ma lead you
And whatever's right, I'ma feed you
Digga-da, digga-da, digga-da, digga-digga-da-da
Yo I tell you the rest when I see you, peace
-Common, The Light
So yeah... I was listening to 107.9 this morning and they were talking about sex and how important is it in a relationship. Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to hear a lot of the responses the callers had because I was close to work by the time I changed the station to 107.9. Anyways... I was wondering what any of you guys thought about it. They were saying that single ppl and married ppl have different views on the importance of sex as well as the minimum amount of times per week a couple should have sex. It was a pretty interesting topic...and I was wondering if anyone had anything to say about it?
I've always thought of sex as important in a relationship but I wouldn't have ranked it a 10 out of 10... not even a 9 out of 10. But I dunno... I mean after listening to some of the reasoning ppl gave for their high scores and looking at my own experiences in relationships...I'm beginning to wonder...
I go through phases. Well not really phases because I ALWAYS wanna have sex... it's just that now I'm at the point in my life where I've been focusing more on pleasing God and trying to lead a celibate life... (i say trying because over the last 3 years... I have given in and had sex in a few of my relationships which leads to major cognitive dissonance and I end up screwing up the relationship b/c the hardest thing to do is tell a guy you've given it to that he can no longer get it..but ya'll can still kick it.)
So anyway... looking back on my relationships I've noticed some things. Here's my take on the situation.
What I thought would happen if I gave it up to a young man within what... a month or so.
~ I always figured that the guys who wanted to rush into sex and who I would have sex with within a month of dating would pretty much get bored because he's caught the prey...the chase was over and now it's on to the new. I've heard stories about the hit it and split it guy...so this was a big fear of mine. I couldn't let it happen to me. I also figured that a guy that wouldn't wait for me at least 2 months probably only wanted sex anyway.
What did happen when I did give it up.
~Um.. what I've found (and by no means am i saying this is law or anything) is that the men I've had sex with within the first month of our relationship generally stayed around MUCH longer than those I didn't have sex with within the first month..or at all. I also noticed that I developed feelings much faster and more intense than i did with the guys I didn't have a sexual relationship with. Now at first I was thinking... well obviously I'd feel a more intense feelings for them... I'm with them longer. We share more... yada yada... but even when I look at how I felt at lets say the 2 month period with the sex and non sex guy... I see that I still felt way more strongly about the sex guy. So I would have to say... sex does matter alot more than I ever gave credit.
What I thought would happen if I didn't give it up in the first 2 months, or ever.
~ Well I thought that delayin the layin would help my chances of getting to really know a guy and lettin him get to know me. I figured it would weed out the guys only in the game to get booty and leave me the ones willing to 1. be patient.... 2. be in a real committed relationship and 3. really get to know all of me.
What actually happened when I didn't give it up in the first 2 months, or ever.
~They ALL left before 3 months was up. lol. I haven't had nonsexual relationship with ANYONE over 3 months. And what surprised me is that while yes... some of them really were in it only for the booty... a lot of the guys may not have been. I mean some of them had a LOT to offer. There were some really nice, spiritual, attractive, drama free, "i got my ish together", brothas I was dating...but they just couldn't handle the celibacy thang. I'm almost 99.9 % sure that if I did give it up to some of these brothas in this category....or at least gave them the hope that when the time was right i would (instead of NEVA unless you marry me) ...i would have had some wonderfully rewarding relationships.
I think it's important to weed out the "i want booty" guys from the "i want a relationship in which there's some booty givin going on" guys. What I did was weed out all guys. lol (well thusfar anyways)
MY REVELATION
If the thought of being with just one person exclusively for a long time, or forever (marriage) literally terrifies the heart of many many MANY good men... then how much more would the thought of being with just one person exclusively for a long time WITHOUT SEX send surges of pure terror and disgust in the hearts and minds of these same men?
I think that some of the men didn't stay around b/c that thought of "never gettin it" got the best of them... I may be wrong... I don't claim to know anything about men... but this is my theory about my experiences... So what's a girl to do?
When do you think it's safe to give it up.. since giving it up too fast may produce bad effects...but not giving it up ever may produce bad effects as well...?????????
So yeah... I was listening to 107.9 this morning and they were talking about sex and how important is it in a relationship. Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to hear a lot of the responses the callers had because I was close to work by the time I changed the station to 107.9. Anyways... I was wondering what any of you guys thought about it. They were saying that single ppl and married ppl have different views on the importance of sex as well as the minimum amount of times per week a couple should have sex. It was a pretty interesting topic...and I was wondering if anyone had anything to say about it?
I've always thought of sex as important in a relationship but I wouldn't have ranked it a 10 out of 10... not even a 9 out of 10. But I dunno... I mean after listening to some of the reasoning ppl gave for their high scores and looking at my own experiences in relationships...I'm beginning to wonder...
I go through phases. Well not really phases because I ALWAYS wanna have sex... it's just that now I'm at the point in my life where I've been focusing more on pleasing God and trying to lead a celibate life... (i say trying because over the last 3 years... I have given in and had sex in a few of my relationships which leads to major cognitive dissonance and I end up screwing up the relationship b/c the hardest thing to do is tell a guy you've given it to that he can no longer get it..but ya'll can still kick it.)
So anyway... looking back on my relationships I've noticed some things. Here's my take on the situation.
What I thought would happen if I gave it up to a young man within what... a month or so.
~ I always figured that the guys who wanted to rush into sex and who I would have sex with within a month of dating would pretty much get bored because he's caught the prey...the chase was over and now it's on to the new. I've heard stories about the hit it and split it guy...so this was a big fear of mine. I couldn't let it happen to me. I also figured that a guy that wouldn't wait for me at least 2 months probably only wanted sex anyway.
What did happen when I did give it up.
~Um.. what I've found (and by no means am i saying this is law or anything) is that the men I've had sex with within the first month of our relationship generally stayed around MUCH longer than those I didn't have sex with within the first month..or at all. I also noticed that I developed feelings much faster and more intense than i did with the guys I didn't have a sexual relationship with. Now at first I was thinking... well obviously I'd feel a more intense feelings for them... I'm with them longer. We share more... yada yada... but even when I look at how I felt at lets say the 2 month period with the sex and non sex guy... I see that I still felt way more strongly about the sex guy. So I would have to say... sex does matter alot more than I ever gave credit.
What I thought would happen if I didn't give it up in the first 2 months, or ever.
~ Well I thought that delayin the layin would help my chances of getting to really know a guy and lettin him get to know me. I figured it would weed out the guys only in the game to get booty and leave me the ones willing to 1. be patient.... 2. be in a real committed relationship and 3. really get to know all of me.
What actually happened when I didn't give it up in the first 2 months, or ever.
~They ALL left before 3 months was up. lol. I haven't had nonsexual relationship with ANYONE over 3 months. And what surprised me is that while yes... some of them really were in it only for the booty... a lot of the guys may not have been. I mean some of them had a LOT to offer. There were some really nice, spiritual, attractive, drama free, "i got my ish together", brothas I was dating...but they just couldn't handle the celibacy thang. I'm almost 99.9 % sure that if I did give it up to some of these brothas in this category....or at least gave them the hope that when the time was right i would (instead of NEVA unless you marry me) ...i would have had some wonderfully rewarding relationships.
I think it's important to weed out the "i want booty" guys from the "i want a relationship in which there's some booty givin going on" guys. What I did was weed out all guys. lol (well thusfar anyways)
MY REVELATION
If the thought of being with just one person exclusively for a long time, or forever (marriage) literally terrifies the heart of many many MANY good men... then how much more would the thought of being with just one person exclusively for a long time WITHOUT SEX send surges of pure terror and disgust in the hearts and minds of these same men?
I think that some of the men didn't stay around b/c that thought of "never gettin it" got the best of them... I may be wrong... I don't claim to know anything about men... but this is my theory about my experiences... So what's a girl to do?
When do you think it's safe to give it up.. since giving it up too fast may produce bad effects...but not giving it up ever may produce bad effects as well...?????????
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
It's all about perspective...
There's alot of weird things happening in the office.
*The director of our program just got fired after starting this center up 15 years ago.... unfortunately his wife just died about 2 months ago and the only thing keeping him going WAS his work. He dedicated it all to her.
Noone really knows why he's being dismissed. He can't even step foot in the building... and there's a legal Gag Order on the whole thing... so no one's even allowed to tell us what's going on.
* My co-worker just announced that she's pregnant friday. Monday her car broke down... so she stayed at home. Yesterday, while getting a ride from someone... something crazy happened (we still don't know) and they had a mild accident. She's afraid that she's lost the baby.
*Another co-worker just called saying that she was in an accident and is at the Hospital as we speak. She's okay... but she doesn't know how long she'll be there before they release her.
*Another co-worker just rushed in about an hour ago late as all getout asking if my pregnant coworker was in the office today. I told her what happened since she didn't hear the news yesterday. She bursted into tears..saying that this is too much. She had just came back from dropping her mother off with other family members at the hospital for her surgery. She said she couldn't stay with her mom b/c she's used so many of her PTO days. But once she found out that hardly no one's in the office today anyways.. she decided to risk getting caught playing hookey.. and bolted outta here to rush to her mother's side.
* And then there's me.... just looking at all the crazy things around me... and thanking God that my life is not so bad after all.
I just found out that she indeed had a miscarriage... and my boss..er..."former" boss has severe laryngitis and is in the hospital. My co-worker who had an accident this morning is still in the ER b/c she has neck pains and their running a few test on her. Life takes weird turns. No one said it was easy, but someone could have warned me.
*The director of our program just got fired after starting this center up 15 years ago.... unfortunately his wife just died about 2 months ago and the only thing keeping him going WAS his work. He dedicated it all to her.
Noone really knows why he's being dismissed. He can't even step foot in the building... and there's a legal Gag Order on the whole thing... so no one's even allowed to tell us what's going on.
* My co-worker just announced that she's pregnant friday. Monday her car broke down... so she stayed at home. Yesterday, while getting a ride from someone... something crazy happened (we still don't know) and they had a mild accident. She's afraid that she's lost the baby.
*Another co-worker just called saying that she was in an accident and is at the Hospital as we speak. She's okay... but she doesn't know how long she'll be there before they release her.
*Another co-worker just rushed in about an hour ago late as all getout asking if my pregnant coworker was in the office today. I told her what happened since she didn't hear the news yesterday. She bursted into tears..saying that this is too much. She had just came back from dropping her mother off with other family members at the hospital for her surgery. She said she couldn't stay with her mom b/c she's used so many of her PTO days. But once she found out that hardly no one's in the office today anyways.. she decided to risk getting caught playing hookey.. and bolted outta here to rush to her mother's side.
* And then there's me.... just looking at all the crazy things around me... and thanking God that my life is not so bad after all.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
..........
Well... i decided to take yesterday off. I layed in the bed for a good 15 minutes trying to think of a good enough reason to take a PTO day but none really stood out. I was sleepy, but no more than usual. I wasn't sick.. and nothing hurt...and I have no husband, kids, drama to blame anything on.... so I just called in and simply said. "I need to take a PTO today. I'll be in tomorrow." No lies... no complications... it was simple as pie.
For the first part of my day, I pretty much laid in bed and surrounded myself with thoughts about everything. Sometimes with my crazy schedule... I don't have time to think about the events that has happened in the last few days so I really appreciated being able to get in tune with myself for a while. I was interrupted by the phone ringing. It was Anthony. I'm not quite sure why I answered. I SAW his name on my caller ID. And I KNEW why he was calling. We talked... well... HE talked for about two and a half hours (I talked about 30 minutes of that time) and after our conversation I wondered why I am so weak.
There are alot of things I love about myself. My ability to forgive, forget and move on is one. However in the case with Anthony... I don't think that this trait is actually an attribute. I felt like somehow I became that "naive woman that wanted to hear the lies that he told". I somehow became the woman I warned myself about. But how can one KNOW the game and still fall for it? How is that possible...and why?
Now in no means am I saying that I took Anthony back...nor am I saying that there's a possibility of us being exclusive like that. I thank God for at least that bit of strength. However, I have major problems dealing with completely shunning someone out of my life. It's like... he apologized and apologized and I let him. He told me "his version" of what happened and why he did what he did and blah blah blah... and I didn't stop him. It's like... all that "grrrrr... women rule...we all hate you... feel the point of my heal in your heart as i walk over you and strut with pride all by myself" momentum I had when it first happened suddenly left and all the feelings I had for him seemed to override my better judgement and before I knew it... I was hearing myself say, "Well, listen. I don't like what you did. But I am not opposed to being friends."
WHY DID I DO THAT? WHY? I dunno. But after we got off the phone yesterday I cried. I'm scared because I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle a friendship with him... but at the same time... I just realized I'm not strong enough not to right now. I dunno... i feel like a real punk right now. I gave in. I let him back in my life. I hate when I don't listen to myself.
I found out that though I AM a weakling... I do have my limits. Last night he called again to talk me into letting him be more than just a friend. I am glad that I can say that I firmly stood my ground on that one. His game was tight. He even got Taylor on the phone to tell her that he's sorry for hurting her but he no longer wants to be the guy he was... and that he wants to be with me. I thought it was a pretty ballsy move... but I didn't budge. All I can receive from him is friendship. The door is closed for everything else. Which brings me to my question...
Why can I let go of him as a boyfriend, but not a friend, when honestly... i really don't need anymore male friends... and we never really were friends to begin with?
Am I subconciously keeping him around just in case one day I actually DO wanna date him again?
Is it that I have trouble with abandonment?
Am I just being a b**** and keeping him on the back burner so no one else can be with him?
I mean...what is it!!!!!! I dunno. :(
For the first part of my day, I pretty much laid in bed and surrounded myself with thoughts about everything. Sometimes with my crazy schedule... I don't have time to think about the events that has happened in the last few days so I really appreciated being able to get in tune with myself for a while. I was interrupted by the phone ringing. It was Anthony. I'm not quite sure why I answered. I SAW his name on my caller ID. And I KNEW why he was calling. We talked... well... HE talked for about two and a half hours (I talked about 30 minutes of that time) and after our conversation I wondered why I am so weak.
There are alot of things I love about myself. My ability to forgive, forget and move on is one. However in the case with Anthony... I don't think that this trait is actually an attribute. I felt like somehow I became that "naive woman that wanted to hear the lies that he told". I somehow became the woman I warned myself about. But how can one KNOW the game and still fall for it? How is that possible...and why?
Now in no means am I saying that I took Anthony back...nor am I saying that there's a possibility of us being exclusive like that. I thank God for at least that bit of strength. However, I have major problems dealing with completely shunning someone out of my life. It's like... he apologized and apologized and I let him. He told me "his version" of what happened and why he did what he did and blah blah blah... and I didn't stop him. It's like... all that "grrrrr... women rule...we all hate you... feel the point of my heal in your heart as i walk over you and strut with pride all by myself" momentum I had when it first happened suddenly left and all the feelings I had for him seemed to override my better judgement and before I knew it... I was hearing myself say, "Well, listen. I don't like what you did. But I am not opposed to being friends."
WHY DID I DO THAT? WHY? I dunno. But after we got off the phone yesterday I cried. I'm scared because I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle a friendship with him... but at the same time... I just realized I'm not strong enough not to right now. I dunno... i feel like a real punk right now. I gave in. I let him back in my life. I hate when I don't listen to myself.
I found out that though I AM a weakling... I do have my limits. Last night he called again to talk me into letting him be more than just a friend. I am glad that I can say that I firmly stood my ground on that one. His game was tight. He even got Taylor on the phone to tell her that he's sorry for hurting her but he no longer wants to be the guy he was... and that he wants to be with me. I thought it was a pretty ballsy move... but I didn't budge. All I can receive from him is friendship. The door is closed for everything else. Which brings me to my question...
Why can I let go of him as a boyfriend, but not a friend, when honestly... i really don't need anymore male friends... and we never really were friends to begin with?
Am I subconciously keeping him around just in case one day I actually DO wanna date him again?
Is it that I have trouble with abandonment?
Am I just being a b**** and keeping him on the back burner so no one else can be with him?
I mean...what is it!!!!!! I dunno. :(
Friday, July 09, 2004
Male-Identified
"Good job brotha good job…"
This is what I heard along with thunderous applause from a group of young guys… about 18-20… while I was waiting to get my eyebrows waxed at South Dekalb Mall. They were all applauding…but only one guy expressed verbal accolade to the young man he pretty much deemed “pimp of the mall” for having this beautiful woman on his side.
I got a glimpse of the young “diva’s” face as she glided by with her man in front of her and his hand reaching back for her tiny waist . She was beautiful, I must admit. She had that “classic” beauty...you know the type of girl that transcends racial preferences. Long dark curly hair, bright eyes that could easily be seen through her pinkish shades… her face was flawless… perfectly symmetrical and blemish free. She had a light complexion and her make up consisted of a lot of glitter and pink tones…I guess to match her shades. She had on a fitting black dress with most of the back out and a low cut scoop to show her cleavage. She had a stride going… up until the exchange between her b/f and ole young blood where he had to abruptly stop and change positions with her in order to get through the crowd of “Armpiece Groupies”. Before then, she was walking proudly behind her man. Yes behind him. But she still shined like the sun. I actually had to look twice because of how stunningly confident she walked. She held her head so high that I thought for a second she might have had a nosebleed or something. But I guess after constantly hearing how fine/sexy/beautiful you are… you might acquire such an air about yourself. Her b/f was just as confident if not more. He had on a nice linen outfit with some dark shades and he looked like he just stepped off the cover of a GQ magazine. The only time I saw Ms. Diva’s expression change from “nosebleed/stuck up” is when ole young blood started applauding her boyfriend. She was quite pleased at this show of approval. She didn’t turn back to look at them… but I did see a small smirk/grin/smile of “I know I’m the bomb, but thanks so much for letting everyone else know too” appear on her face. Then instantly she wiped the smile off her face and presumed gliding on behind her b/f again and returning to the “nosebleed” expression.
When applauded, bowed to (yes one mofo did bow) , and basically told that he did a great job.. Mr. GQ slightly nodded at them as to say “I know” while pulling his girlfriend in front of him until they passed the groupies…err…group of guys..then he presumed to take his “rightful” role in front of her again. He never broke stride…never smiled… and probably didn’t care. The only time I saw his focus turn was when another girl walked by. He’d peek out the top of his shades to look at one and then another... All while Ms. Diva happily glided behind him in her own little world…probably not even knowing that he was checking everyone else but her out. She was just there for his glory. So that guys can envy him…while he looked around for other eye candy.
My mind began to reminisce on the times I used to hear the same kind of things shouted at my man about me. I used to really think of them as compliments. You know…one man telling another that he did a great job picking me out because I was beautiful.. I mean that is a compliment right? Ha. Well I used to think so. But for some reason, stepping out of the “object of desire” and seeing it done to another young woman I began to realize how incredibly shallow and degrading that is. I mean, you tell a guy he did a good job picking a car…a job…an outfit… not a woman. Like she had NO say/imput/control in this “picking” ordeal. Like he just said… “I want that one.." and grabbed her with his barbaric man arms and she just helplessly went with him. And to top it all off…how do they know she’s a good pick? I mean are we just going on the basis of looks? Ugh. That’s a whole nother topic. So I digress…
I mean if you think I’m cute…look at me... smile at me… and if you’re balls-y enough…then tell me. But don’t make me look like one of pimp daddy’s girls while he gets praise for being a big enough P.I.M.P. to pull me. I mean, I can’t explain it. I dunno. I’ve been pondering whether I reacted this way because I was jealous that I wasn’t the one being commented on…or was it because I honestly saw something wrong with it now. After much thought….i realized that the only time I get jealous about something is when I have some stake or claim in the man I think she’s taking away/getting/working on…so it must be the latter.
I learned a lot in my women studies class in college. We talked a lot about the “oppressed”. Our teacher was a bi-racial lesbian coming from a poor family… so we talked a lot about multiple jeopardy and how it can affect ones psyche. Anywho. When I saw the scene above being played out before my very eyes…all I could think of was this term called “Male-Identification”. Male-identification basically means the casting of one's social, political, and intellectual allegiances with men. The effect of male-identification means internalizing the values of the colonizer and actively participating in carrying out the colonization of one's self and one's sex. This happens in any situation you see stratifications in… (race, sexual preference, class, and other underserved pops). Basically it describes women who only feel a sense of self-worth when they are around men, get praises from men, think they are better because of their association with a man..and etc. They live through men.
I guess the reason it made me think of this is because after I started thinking about why it bothered me so much, I realized it was because it was so much more than a compliment about how pretty she was... and her approval of their words was so much more than a "thanks". I mean, for me it was more about the implications of what they were saying and her blindness to it.
First off...they didn’t give her enough respect to tell HER about herself. Instead, they respected HIM for basically having an arm piece. And when I looked at them (she and her b/f) interact with each other for the brief 2-3 minutes I saw them in the mall… she seemed to be the kind of girl that really needed her man there to feel important/special/beautiful. It’s almost like she isn’t that beautiful by herself... I began to realize it wasn’t just her physical beauty the young man was complimenting… it was her submissive attitude with her b/f. His presence there and his unspoken but ever-present power over her is what made her beautiful to the young guys and it’s why they complimented HIM instead of HER. He wasn’t really saying.. “wow she’s pretty” He was saying , “Wow she’s pretty.. and dang you a bonified pimp to get a girl that fine to hang on to your every word and be all up on you while you walk around looking at all the other females in the mall and all she does is stay quiet and look cute.”
He was basically saying “Good job brotha” for molding another one into JUST a clueless, submissive, arm piece. And all she did was smile.
Now granted… I don’t know this young lady… she might have been at the top of her class. She could be a biostatistitian for all I know… but the fact was that she wasn’t being complimented on that… her aora didn’t say “I’m a confident black sista who’s happy with herself and demands respect from you”… it said “I’m cute…and I’m with my boyfriend… and I want everyone to know it.”
I guess what get’s me is the fact that she actually thought of it as a compliment. The fact that one point in my life… I thought it was a compliment. The fact that we as women are so male-identified and don't know it. Some of us like when our man is complimented, or lifted up or exalted (which isn't wrong in itself)... sometimes more than we like it for ourselves... why? Because we live through our man.. it reflects our status. That's the way some of us "pull ourselves up". It's like being Mrs. John Doe all over again. We have no identity of our own...except we have it through some man. And until we realize that not everything that "sounds" good on the surface is a compliment and that not every show of approval we get from a guy is actually for our benefit...i'm afraid we'll always be male identified.
I dunno… maybe I had too much time on my hands sitting there waiting to get my eyebrows waxed at the mall. I WAS a psyc. Major… and yeah I DO overanalyze everything… so thanks for reading another pointless post. lol
This is what I heard along with thunderous applause from a group of young guys… about 18-20… while I was waiting to get my eyebrows waxed at South Dekalb Mall. They were all applauding…but only one guy expressed verbal accolade to the young man he pretty much deemed “pimp of the mall” for having this beautiful woman on his side.
I got a glimpse of the young “diva’s” face as she glided by with her man in front of her and his hand reaching back for her tiny waist . She was beautiful, I must admit. She had that “classic” beauty...you know the type of girl that transcends racial preferences. Long dark curly hair, bright eyes that could easily be seen through her pinkish shades… her face was flawless… perfectly symmetrical and blemish free. She had a light complexion and her make up consisted of a lot of glitter and pink tones…I guess to match her shades. She had on a fitting black dress with most of the back out and a low cut scoop to show her cleavage. She had a stride going… up until the exchange between her b/f and ole young blood where he had to abruptly stop and change positions with her in order to get through the crowd of “Armpiece Groupies”. Before then, she was walking proudly behind her man. Yes behind him. But she still shined like the sun. I actually had to look twice because of how stunningly confident she walked. She held her head so high that I thought for a second she might have had a nosebleed or something. But I guess after constantly hearing how fine/sexy/beautiful you are… you might acquire such an air about yourself. Her b/f was just as confident if not more. He had on a nice linen outfit with some dark shades and he looked like he just stepped off the cover of a GQ magazine. The only time I saw Ms. Diva’s expression change from “nosebleed/stuck up” is when ole young blood started applauding her boyfriend. She was quite pleased at this show of approval. She didn’t turn back to look at them… but I did see a small smirk/grin/smile of “I know I’m the bomb, but thanks so much for letting everyone else know too” appear on her face. Then instantly she wiped the smile off her face and presumed gliding on behind her b/f again and returning to the “nosebleed” expression.
When applauded, bowed to (yes one mofo did bow) , and basically told that he did a great job.. Mr. GQ slightly nodded at them as to say “I know” while pulling his girlfriend in front of him until they passed the groupies…err…group of guys..then he presumed to take his “rightful” role in front of her again. He never broke stride…never smiled… and probably didn’t care. The only time I saw his focus turn was when another girl walked by. He’d peek out the top of his shades to look at one and then another... All while Ms. Diva happily glided behind him in her own little world…probably not even knowing that he was checking everyone else but her out. She was just there for his glory. So that guys can envy him…while he looked around for other eye candy.
My mind began to reminisce on the times I used to hear the same kind of things shouted at my man about me. I used to really think of them as compliments. You know…one man telling another that he did a great job picking me out because I was beautiful.. I mean that is a compliment right? Ha. Well I used to think so. But for some reason, stepping out of the “object of desire” and seeing it done to another young woman I began to realize how incredibly shallow and degrading that is. I mean, you tell a guy he did a good job picking a car…a job…an outfit… not a woman. Like she had NO say/imput/control in this “picking” ordeal. Like he just said… “I want that one.." and grabbed her with his barbaric man arms and she just helplessly went with him. And to top it all off…how do they know she’s a good pick? I mean are we just going on the basis of looks? Ugh. That’s a whole nother topic. So I digress…
I mean if you think I’m cute…look at me... smile at me… and if you’re balls-y enough…then tell me. But don’t make me look like one of pimp daddy’s girls while he gets praise for being a big enough P.I.M.P. to pull me. I mean, I can’t explain it. I dunno. I’ve been pondering whether I reacted this way because I was jealous that I wasn’t the one being commented on…or was it because I honestly saw something wrong with it now. After much thought….i realized that the only time I get jealous about something is when I have some stake or claim in the man I think she’s taking away/getting/working on…so it must be the latter.
I learned a lot in my women studies class in college. We talked a lot about the “oppressed”. Our teacher was a bi-racial lesbian coming from a poor family… so we talked a lot about multiple jeopardy and how it can affect ones psyche. Anywho. When I saw the scene above being played out before my very eyes…all I could think of was this term called “Male-Identification”. Male-identification basically means the casting of one's social, political, and intellectual allegiances with men. The effect of male-identification means internalizing the values of the colonizer and actively participating in carrying out the colonization of one's self and one's sex. This happens in any situation you see stratifications in… (race, sexual preference, class, and other underserved pops). Basically it describes women who only feel a sense of self-worth when they are around men, get praises from men, think they are better because of their association with a man..and etc. They live through men.
I guess the reason it made me think of this is because after I started thinking about why it bothered me so much, I realized it was because it was so much more than a compliment about how pretty she was... and her approval of their words was so much more than a "thanks". I mean, for me it was more about the implications of what they were saying and her blindness to it.
First off...they didn’t give her enough respect to tell HER about herself. Instead, they respected HIM for basically having an arm piece. And when I looked at them (she and her b/f) interact with each other for the brief 2-3 minutes I saw them in the mall… she seemed to be the kind of girl that really needed her man there to feel important/special/beautiful. It’s almost like she isn’t that beautiful by herself... I began to realize it wasn’t just her physical beauty the young man was complimenting… it was her submissive attitude with her b/f. His presence there and his unspoken but ever-present power over her is what made her beautiful to the young guys and it’s why they complimented HIM instead of HER. He wasn’t really saying.. “wow she’s pretty” He was saying , “Wow she’s pretty.. and dang you a bonified pimp to get a girl that fine to hang on to your every word and be all up on you while you walk around looking at all the other females in the mall and all she does is stay quiet and look cute.”
He was basically saying “Good job brotha” for molding another one into JUST a clueless, submissive, arm piece. And all she did was smile.
Now granted… I don’t know this young lady… she might have been at the top of her class. She could be a biostatistitian for all I know… but the fact was that she wasn’t being complimented on that… her aora didn’t say “I’m a confident black sista who’s happy with herself and demands respect from you”… it said “I’m cute…and I’m with my boyfriend… and I want everyone to know it.”
I guess what get’s me is the fact that she actually thought of it as a compliment. The fact that one point in my life… I thought it was a compliment. The fact that we as women are so male-identified and don't know it. Some of us like when our man is complimented, or lifted up or exalted (which isn't wrong in itself)... sometimes more than we like it for ourselves... why? Because we live through our man.. it reflects our status. That's the way some of us "pull ourselves up". It's like being Mrs. John Doe all over again. We have no identity of our own...except we have it through some man. And until we realize that not everything that "sounds" good on the surface is a compliment and that not every show of approval we get from a guy is actually for our benefit...i'm afraid we'll always be male identified.
I dunno… maybe I had too much time on my hands sitting there waiting to get my eyebrows waxed at the mall. I WAS a psyc. Major… and yeah I DO overanalyze everything… so thanks for reading another pointless post. lol
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Lettin it Burn....
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
- unknown.
I'm glad I had a long weekend. It gave me some time to enjoy myself and my friends. I must say, the abrupt way my relationship with Anthony ended left me a little speechless and in a lot of pain. But what I quickly learned about myself over the weekend is that my ability to bounce back is by far the best ever! I feel pretty darn good. :)
I didn't do much more than most ppl this weekend. I graced a few barbeques... got real ghetto and took some tupperware to the BBQ's so I could take a butt load of food home for my lunch this week. lol. I also went bowling...went to see some fireworks...went shopping and yesterday I went swimmin ... but um...why was it soooo hotttt??? I mean a sista could hardly breathe. I could only stay in the pool for like 10 minutes cuz all the water pretty much evaporated from all that heat....and the little that was left pretty much started to boil my brown behind. So for the most part, I stayed inside.
I really don't have anything else I wanna say about this weekend...so i'll just leave you with this little email one of my homeboys sent me to encourage me to "drop all the excess weight". Gone.
Put the Glass Down
A lecturer was giving a lecture to his student on stress management. He raised a glass of water and asked the audience,
"How heavy do you think this glass of water is?"
The students' answers ranged from 20g to 500gm. He replied to them,
"The absolute weight of the glass of water does not matter. Heaviness depends on how long you hold it".
If you hold it for a minute, it would probably feel OK. If you hold it for an hour, you will have an ache in your right arm. If you hold it for a day, you will have to call an ambulance. It is the exact same weight, but the longer you hold it, the heavier it becomes."
Sometimes we carry things/people/situations in our lives that may not seem heavy at first and we carry them with ease... but sooner or later, these "things" become "burdens" and if we carry our burdens all the time, we will end up needing serious help because the burden has becoming increasingly heavy."
What you have to do is to put the glass down and rest. We have to put down our burdens periodically, so that we can be refreshed and are able to carry on. Not everything we're able to carry is worth carrying.
Whatever burdens you are having now on your shoulders, let it down for a moment... or forever if need be. Rest and relax. Life is short, enjoy it!!
- unknown.
I'm glad I had a long weekend. It gave me some time to enjoy myself and my friends. I must say, the abrupt way my relationship with Anthony ended left me a little speechless and in a lot of pain. But what I quickly learned about myself over the weekend is that my ability to bounce back is by far the best ever! I feel pretty darn good. :)
I didn't do much more than most ppl this weekend. I graced a few barbeques... got real ghetto and took some tupperware to the BBQ's so I could take a butt load of food home for my lunch this week. lol. I also went bowling...went to see some fireworks...went shopping and yesterday I went swimmin ... but um...why was it soooo hotttt??? I mean a sista could hardly breathe. I could only stay in the pool for like 10 minutes cuz all the water pretty much evaporated from all that heat....and the little that was left pretty much started to boil my brown behind. So for the most part, I stayed inside.
I really don't have anything else I wanna say about this weekend...so i'll just leave you with this little email one of my homeboys sent me to encourage me to "drop all the excess weight". Gone.
Put the Glass Down
A lecturer was giving a lecture to his student on stress management. He raised a glass of water and asked the audience,
"How heavy do you think this glass of water is?"
The students' answers ranged from 20g to 500gm. He replied to them,
"The absolute weight of the glass of water does not matter. Heaviness depends on how long you hold it".
If you hold it for a minute, it would probably feel OK. If you hold it for an hour, you will have an ache in your right arm. If you hold it for a day, you will have to call an ambulance. It is the exact same weight, but the longer you hold it, the heavier it becomes."
Sometimes we carry things/people/situations in our lives that may not seem heavy at first and we carry them with ease... but sooner or later, these "things" become "burdens" and if we carry our burdens all the time, we will end up needing serious help because the burden has becoming increasingly heavy."
What you have to do is to put the glass down and rest. We have to put down our burdens periodically, so that we can be refreshed and are able to carry on. Not everything we're able to carry is worth carrying.
Whatever burdens you are having now on your shoulders, let it down for a moment... or forever if need be. Rest and relax. Life is short, enjoy it!!
Thursday, July 01, 2004
"I'm the 3rd least important person you'll ever meet..."
I thought it was kinda funny when Anthony would say this to me on many many occasions. He's always good for a "catch phrase." I was once told that when a guy tells you something... you should believe him. Yesterday I realized that him telling me this was really his backwards way of telling me that he's no good and if I was half as smart as my credentials depict, I would start running as far away from him as I possibly can. YES this is the same Anthony that called me ETHEREAL... the same one that would hold me almost everyday of the week...YES the one who told me I added unto him. He knew just how to make a woman feel special I'll give him that. But yesterday, I found out that I wasn't the only special one in his life.
In my last post, I briefly told you all that I wasn't really feeling like myself. The last couple of weeks I've been really feeling weird. I get that way right before something big happens. I never know what it is...but I ALWAYS feel when something is about to happen a few days before it does. As a matter of fact, last friday when I went to Anthony's house, I told him that I had a funny feeling while I was driving on the way to his house. Little did I know... oh how little did I know.
I've learned that whenever I start feeling "funny", I should start praying because I KNOW from experience that SOMETHING is getting ready to go down. I asked God to reveal to me why I'm feeling like this. And I must say, God is faithful. He shows me every time. Most of the time I'm not ready for it... and this time's no different. But I'm glad I know.
Anthony's phone was disconnected all last week. He got in touch with me via IM one day and we discussed my coming over on friday. So last friday, I made my way to his house. I was glad to see him, but like I said, that entire week after the "party of the year" I was feeling real funny. We had a heart to heart talk. I told him how I felt about him and I asked him some important questions to see where his head was dealing with us. He seemed sincere. I would have never known that his GIRLFRIEND HAD JUST LEFT HIS HOUSE ONLY TWO HOURS AGO heading back to Tennessee.
How'd I find out? Anthony's stupid to put it plainly. That friday night, since his phone was off, he asked to use mine. He called her right in front of me...though i didn’t know who he was talking to. His conversation was innocent enough. He asked if she'd sent the money to get his phone back on. Then he told her he was on my phone and he had to go. I thought nothing of it. Until later on friday night, when she called my phone back and left a message trying to figure out who's # this was.
In all honesty she was just wondering who I was and if I was supposed to be talking to Anthony b/c like I said, she KNEW who # this was, he told her when I was sitting there. Whatever her reasons, I'm glad she called back. I called her because I thought it weird for her to call me askin that when I knew she knew. She never answered. So I left a message telling her to call me back. She did the next morning...but I didn't hear the phone. So imagine my surprise when saturday night I check my messages and it's a voicemail from her saying, "hi, this is Anthony’s girlfriend, Taylor, call me back if you need to."
WTF? Girlfriend? Huh? My first reaction was to call him. So I did. I casually said, um, your girlfriend just called me. Of course he denied that they were together anymore. His exact words were... "man, she trippin. why she trippin. look sway i'm not even with that girl. she was right before you. i haven't even seen her in like 3 months. she doesn't even live here." So I said ok for the time being because he's denying that she's his girl....and I hadn't had a chance to talk with her and find out all the details.
Well I've been calling her from work since monday on my breaks hoping we could talk. She never answered. I never left messages. Finally I figured I better call when I get off work.. from MY phone. So yesterday I did that...and she answered. We talked for 2 hours about Anthony. The one thing I CAN say is he was right... he is one of the most least important ppl I will ever meet in my life. He really ain't s***!!!
She told me that they'd been together for about 5 months. She said she's met his family, and he tells her he loves her and would never do anything to hurt her. She told me that he planned to come and live with her as soon as he interviews with her mom for a job there in Tennessee. She also told me some other things I just wasn't prepared to hear....like....
He's also with his baby's mother. YES Anthony has kids. NO Anthony NEVER mentioned this to me. I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT KIDS!!! NOTHING! He has a 3 year old and a 2 month old. She told me that she found out about him and his baby's mother during his graduation (mind you WE were kickin it then too) when she called him and his baby's mother answered and they talked. She said he confessed to being with his baby's mother too (after she busted him about it of course)...but for her, he'd stop. She trusted him again. Not knowing that I was in the picture too. And me not knowing about either of them...or his kids.
Last week, when Anthony's phone was off...and I was feeling all these crazy feelings... she said she was here...IN ATLANTA... WITH ANTHONY!! ALL WEEK He was with her. JUST LAST WEEK. Cooking her breakfast, telling her he loves her and that she's the only one for him. She left his house heading for Tennessee on friday at 2. I was there by 5:30. Being with him. Loving on him. Cuddling with him. Kissing the same lips she just did. Do you know how much it hurts to know that only a few hours before... another woman was sitting in the same exact spot I was. Hearing the same lies I'm hearing. And the crazy thing is I asked him that same day was I the only one he was with. As sincere as anyone can imagine...he said yes. He said, "there was someone right before you...but I'm not with them anymore." lol. While I'm thinking he meant he was with someone right before we met and started talkin...he really meant that he was with someone right before me that same day!!! *disgusted laugh*
Anthony's charming. He's warm. He's the perfect gentleman. But no one has ever surprised me more than him. There were no signs. I know ppl always say that there are signs and we choose to ignore them... and usually I agree. But not this time. There was nothing that could have prepared me for this. NOTHING.
I'm hurt. I'm really disappointed. I'm not really mad. I don't hate him. I just don't understand why he'd choose to hurt wonderful women like this. She seemed really smart, and really nice. She seemed like someone I'd hang out with if these weren't the circumstances. She doesn't deserve this and I KNOW i don't. Right now, I'm in pain... but I refuse to show it. I refuse to let him get me down.
She called him yesterday to "tell him off". She told him that we talked and that she knows everything. She called me back to tell me what he had to say about it. She talked to me about for 10 minutes when her phone beeped and she said it was him. She never called me back. He never called at all. They'll probably be back together. He'll probably cheat again. But as for me... I'm through. I wish I could have said my piece. I wish it was me that confronted him about it. But it wasn't. So it's done. We'll probably never talk again. And it's sad. But time heals all wounds. And I can honestly say that I've grown. I've learned from past experiences that the best thing for me to do is NOT address it. NOT talk to him...find out why..how..when…etc. I should just move on. Because I guarantee... with his charm... they'll be back together. She's gonna give in...again. He knows it. I'm just glad it's not me this time. I’ve been there before. I’ve told a guy off… gave him a piece of my mind all the while praying that he’ll beg for me to come back…and hoping he’ll make up a believable lie so that we can be back together again. I thank God for opening my eyes. I thank God for letting me see the truth. And this time, that truth is at my door and I have the opportunity to go. I’m going. In fact… I'm already gone.
In my last post, I briefly told you all that I wasn't really feeling like myself. The last couple of weeks I've been really feeling weird. I get that way right before something big happens. I never know what it is...but I ALWAYS feel when something is about to happen a few days before it does. As a matter of fact, last friday when I went to Anthony's house, I told him that I had a funny feeling while I was driving on the way to his house. Little did I know... oh how little did I know.
I've learned that whenever I start feeling "funny", I should start praying because I KNOW from experience that SOMETHING is getting ready to go down. I asked God to reveal to me why I'm feeling like this. And I must say, God is faithful. He shows me every time. Most of the time I'm not ready for it... and this time's no different. But I'm glad I know.
Anthony's phone was disconnected all last week. He got in touch with me via IM one day and we discussed my coming over on friday. So last friday, I made my way to his house. I was glad to see him, but like I said, that entire week after the "party of the year" I was feeling real funny. We had a heart to heart talk. I told him how I felt about him and I asked him some important questions to see where his head was dealing with us. He seemed sincere. I would have never known that his GIRLFRIEND HAD JUST LEFT HIS HOUSE ONLY TWO HOURS AGO heading back to Tennessee.
How'd I find out? Anthony's stupid to put it plainly. That friday night, since his phone was off, he asked to use mine. He called her right in front of me...though i didn’t know who he was talking to. His conversation was innocent enough. He asked if she'd sent the money to get his phone back on. Then he told her he was on my phone and he had to go. I thought nothing of it. Until later on friday night, when she called my phone back and left a message trying to figure out who's # this was.
In all honesty she was just wondering who I was and if I was supposed to be talking to Anthony b/c like I said, she KNEW who # this was, he told her when I was sitting there. Whatever her reasons, I'm glad she called back. I called her because I thought it weird for her to call me askin that when I knew she knew. She never answered. So I left a message telling her to call me back. She did the next morning...but I didn't hear the phone. So imagine my surprise when saturday night I check my messages and it's a voicemail from her saying, "hi, this is Anthony’s girlfriend, Taylor, call me back if you need to."
WTF? Girlfriend? Huh? My first reaction was to call him. So I did. I casually said, um, your girlfriend just called me. Of course he denied that they were together anymore. His exact words were... "man, she trippin. why she trippin. look sway i'm not even with that girl. she was right before you. i haven't even seen her in like 3 months. she doesn't even live here." So I said ok for the time being because he's denying that she's his girl....and I hadn't had a chance to talk with her and find out all the details.
Well I've been calling her from work since monday on my breaks hoping we could talk. She never answered. I never left messages. Finally I figured I better call when I get off work.. from MY phone. So yesterday I did that...and she answered. We talked for 2 hours about Anthony. The one thing I CAN say is he was right... he is one of the most least important ppl I will ever meet in my life. He really ain't s***!!!
She told me that they'd been together for about 5 months. She said she's met his family, and he tells her he loves her and would never do anything to hurt her. She told me that he planned to come and live with her as soon as he interviews with her mom for a job there in Tennessee. She also told me some other things I just wasn't prepared to hear....like....
He's also with his baby's mother. YES Anthony has kids. NO Anthony NEVER mentioned this to me. I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT KIDS!!! NOTHING! He has a 3 year old and a 2 month old. She told me that she found out about him and his baby's mother during his graduation (mind you WE were kickin it then too) when she called him and his baby's mother answered and they talked. She said he confessed to being with his baby's mother too (after she busted him about it of course)...but for her, he'd stop. She trusted him again. Not knowing that I was in the picture too. And me not knowing about either of them...or his kids.
Last week, when Anthony's phone was off...and I was feeling all these crazy feelings... she said she was here...IN ATLANTA... WITH ANTHONY!! ALL WEEK He was with her. JUST LAST WEEK. Cooking her breakfast, telling her he loves her and that she's the only one for him. She left his house heading for Tennessee on friday at 2. I was there by 5:30. Being with him. Loving on him. Cuddling with him. Kissing the same lips she just did. Do you know how much it hurts to know that only a few hours before... another woman was sitting in the same exact spot I was. Hearing the same lies I'm hearing. And the crazy thing is I asked him that same day was I the only one he was with. As sincere as anyone can imagine...he said yes. He said, "there was someone right before you...but I'm not with them anymore." lol. While I'm thinking he meant he was with someone right before we met and started talkin...he really meant that he was with someone right before me that same day!!! *disgusted laugh*
Anthony's charming. He's warm. He's the perfect gentleman. But no one has ever surprised me more than him. There were no signs. I know ppl always say that there are signs and we choose to ignore them... and usually I agree. But not this time. There was nothing that could have prepared me for this. NOTHING.
I'm hurt. I'm really disappointed. I'm not really mad. I don't hate him. I just don't understand why he'd choose to hurt wonderful women like this. She seemed really smart, and really nice. She seemed like someone I'd hang out with if these weren't the circumstances. She doesn't deserve this and I KNOW i don't. Right now, I'm in pain... but I refuse to show it. I refuse to let him get me down.
She called him yesterday to "tell him off". She told him that we talked and that she knows everything. She called me back to tell me what he had to say about it. She talked to me about for 10 minutes when her phone beeped and she said it was him. She never called me back. He never called at all. They'll probably be back together. He'll probably cheat again. But as for me... I'm through. I wish I could have said my piece. I wish it was me that confronted him about it. But it wasn't. So it's done. We'll probably never talk again. And it's sad. But time heals all wounds. And I can honestly say that I've grown. I've learned from past experiences that the best thing for me to do is NOT address it. NOT talk to him...find out why..how..when…etc. I should just move on. Because I guarantee... with his charm... they'll be back together. She's gonna give in...again. He knows it. I'm just glad it's not me this time. I’ve been there before. I’ve told a guy off… gave him a piece of my mind all the while praying that he’ll beg for me to come back…and hoping he’ll make up a believable lie so that we can be back together again. I thank God for opening my eyes. I thank God for letting me see the truth. And this time, that truth is at my door and I have the opportunity to go. I’m going. In fact… I'm already gone.
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