Over the past week... about a million things happened that I told myself I was gonna blog about once I got the time. Well the time is here... and not one of the crazy events/situations/emotions/thories/etc that I wanted to discuss so badly when it happened...strike me as something worth writing about today. As usual,I've been doing alot of thinking...and alot less talking and writing.
The problem is that with all this thinking going on... I'm still no closer to an answer or a solution for all these questions and unknowns in my head. I'm soooo blessed and I know it... but there are times when I just can't seem to perk up and be grateful...or happy. Where's that joy that I had just last week? How can it go so suddenly? What's so different about today than last tuesday? I don't know. I'm not really depressed or melancholy... I'm just not my usual bubbly self. I'll be glad when I get back though. I miss me. I miss me alot.
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Monday, June 21, 2004
Sneakin' - Playin' - Freakin'
Okay... this weekend was pretty fun. I've never been a good story teller..or writer for that matter... so I KNOW I won't give it any justice. I wish someone else could write about it...but none of the ppl I hang with really do the blog thing. Oh well. I guess I'll just give the facts... I'll leave out the juicy stuff until I decide to give that private journal a try.
Friday - AM and I went to the movies. (yeah i know i said i was through dealin with him...but dang... i couldn't pass up dinner and two movies.) I left work early friday b/c the power went off around lunch. I can't believe these slave drivers made us stay until 2:30 in the dark...and heat...just to tell us that we can go home now b/c the power wouldn't be back on until that evening. (i could have told them that 10 minutes after it went off...) So, I go over AM's house earlier than expected and he was in mid workout. I didn't bother to join in. I was feeling lazy so I layed on the couch and listened to his "too crunk to just sit there" music. When he finished, we went to Clark (CAU) track so that he can run his mile. I sat on the bleachers and watched him run round and round. For a big guy... this brotha has some stamina. Actually for any type of brotha... big or small... AM is really quite athletic. You couldn't tell by just looking at him though.. He's big, but he can do his thang.
Anyway, we went to back to his apt. ...he took a shower and we left for O'Charleys. Okay... why was our waiter SOOOO SEXY. His eyes were like.... gray/green/hazel I don't know... but they were soooo mezmorizing. As soon as he came over I was like. Dang! I can't even holla. *shaking my head*
It's weird going out with AM because even though we're just friends, I'd feel weird talking to someone else while with him and vice versa. I usually don't have that problem. I knew the waiter was interested though b/c when AM went to the bathroom, he started flirting HARD. Too bad it wasn't enough time to exchange numbers or somethin....
Anywho... we went and saw Shrek II b/c I had told him I wanted to see it a few weeks earlier. HOWEVER, I didn't have the heart to tell him I had saw it already last saturday with Anthony (yeah, they know about each other.) ... so we ended up sneaking (b/c AM thinks sneaking in movies is fun. *still scratching my head about this*) in to see The Chronicles of Riddick so that i wouldn't feel bad about him spending money to take me to a movie I already saw. (even though i guess i should feel bad about sneaking in the movies. Oh well.)
Anyway, after that... i was tired and told him I was gonna go home. So i did.
Saturday - I woke up in a seriously funky mood. Actually almost all day saturday I was in a seriously funky mood. I spent most of the day by myself. Mostly because I wanted to sort out these crazy knots in my stomach. I didn't really know the exact reason why I was so nervous. Okay I'm lying.. yes i do... here's what happened...
Flashback... when I first met Anthony's homegirl, Ms. I-like-your-man-but-he-just-wanna-be-friends, came over b/c he cuts her hair and she and I began talking. We found out that we all had some mutual friends and we was like oh yeah.. I was at this and that too... and blah blah blah. Well, she asked me if I was going to "Crabnic" which is really a huge party some of friends have annually at someone's house/complex/clubhouse/etc. where everyone gets drunk, eat up all the food, dive in the pool, and freak on each other. I went last year. (i found out that anthony was supposed to go but didn't....i also found out that he was at the superbowl party i was supposed to go to but didn't. isn't it amazing how life works out... 2 times we should have met prior to our actual meeting. i wonder if we would have even talked to each other in those type of settings??)
Anyway, I told her that I didn't know if I was going or not b/c my folks hadn't told me about it yet. So um, for the last month, Anthony's been asking me if I'm gonna go. My reply has been i dunno, probably and I'd asked him if he was going this year. His reply was the same as mine.
Okay flashforward... I decided to go this past week but everytime I got ready to tell him, something came up... and I was like... i'll tell him next time we talk. So now it's saturday morning and I'm just now telling him I'm going when he called me to ask what I was getting into that day. Okay... so now he knows I'm going. I know he's going too... but he didn't offer for us to go together. He said he'd call me later. I said okay hung up and felt confused, angry, excited, anxious ... Okay...Why did he call just to see what I was doing that day and that's it? I mean, he already have plans so why call me now? and...WHY didn't he wanna go with me? Did I wait too late? Why do i care? I'll see him there... wait...Do I really wanna see him there? Do I want him to see me there? Doing what I do... will i have fun if he's there? Will we act like we are talking? Or will it be one of those...who can make who more jealous nights? Why am I stressing over this?
So these million and 2 questions are mulling over in my head... and it was beginning to make me feel funny...so per CeeCee's post, I decided to loved on myself. I got a mani/pedi, then went to the mall, bought me a little outfit for the "event" that night. Went and got a $15 eyebrow waxing....and a "mini-makeover" Even though they never put much makeup on me. I always feel like my makeovers consist of black eyeliner and lip gloss. What's that about?
While I was getting my "wax", Anthony called. He asked me what time I was going to "The Remedy" (they changed the name at the last minute. lol). I told him I didn't have a specific time. I was just gonna go whenever. It started at 5 and it was already about 5:30... so really, I was just wasting time until the sun went down a bit. He finally asked me if I mind going with him. I paused for a sec. hoping not to sound to excited and I said okay. It actually came out more like I DIDN'T wanna go with him. And as soon as I said it, I knew he felt that way too. Why do i do that. I've been waiting ALL day for him to ask me to go...and he does...and I act like I didn't really wanna go with him. I could have kicked myself right then. Anyways... I made up for it at the party. By the end of the night...he KNEW I wanted to be there with him... and I KNEW he wanted to be there with me.
I had soooooooooo much fun. I know it's not fair to post this long boring story and not give you the juicy details of the shake your booty/p...eating/and wet t-shirt contests...
I know, I know.. it's wrong not to tell you about Mario...or the orgy goin on in the corner of the swimming pool... or about his "homegirl" who got straight gone and started saying a little too much and I had to put ole girl in her place. I know it's wrong.. I KNOW IT. I'd be mad too if I read this ish and didn't get any details. lol BUT... it's coming. trust me. it's coming.
For now. all i'll say is... Anthony won the p...eating contest. ;) Nuff Said. lol
Friday - AM and I went to the movies. (yeah i know i said i was through dealin with him...but dang... i couldn't pass up dinner and two movies.) I left work early friday b/c the power went off around lunch. I can't believe these slave drivers made us stay until 2:30 in the dark...and heat...just to tell us that we can go home now b/c the power wouldn't be back on until that evening. (i could have told them that 10 minutes after it went off...) So, I go over AM's house earlier than expected and he was in mid workout. I didn't bother to join in. I was feeling lazy so I layed on the couch and listened to his "too crunk to just sit there" music. When he finished, we went to Clark (CAU) track so that he can run his mile. I sat on the bleachers and watched him run round and round. For a big guy... this brotha has some stamina. Actually for any type of brotha... big or small... AM is really quite athletic. You couldn't tell by just looking at him though.. He's big, but he can do his thang.
Anyway, we went to back to his apt. ...he took a shower and we left for O'Charleys. Okay... why was our waiter SOOOO SEXY. His eyes were like.... gray/green/hazel I don't know... but they were soooo mezmorizing. As soon as he came over I was like. Dang! I can't even holla. *shaking my head*
It's weird going out with AM because even though we're just friends, I'd feel weird talking to someone else while with him and vice versa. I usually don't have that problem. I knew the waiter was interested though b/c when AM went to the bathroom, he started flirting HARD. Too bad it wasn't enough time to exchange numbers or somethin....
Anywho... we went and saw Shrek II b/c I had told him I wanted to see it a few weeks earlier. HOWEVER, I didn't have the heart to tell him I had saw it already last saturday with Anthony (yeah, they know about each other.) ... so we ended up sneaking (b/c AM thinks sneaking in movies is fun. *still scratching my head about this*) in to see The Chronicles of Riddick so that i wouldn't feel bad about him spending money to take me to a movie I already saw. (even though i guess i should feel bad about sneaking in the movies. Oh well.)
Anyway, after that... i was tired and told him I was gonna go home. So i did.
Saturday - I woke up in a seriously funky mood. Actually almost all day saturday I was in a seriously funky mood. I spent most of the day by myself. Mostly because I wanted to sort out these crazy knots in my stomach. I didn't really know the exact reason why I was so nervous. Okay I'm lying.. yes i do... here's what happened...
Flashback... when I first met Anthony's homegirl, Ms. I-like-your-man-but-he-just-wanna-be-friends, came over b/c he cuts her hair and she and I began talking. We found out that we all had some mutual friends and we was like oh yeah.. I was at this and that too... and blah blah blah. Well, she asked me if I was going to "Crabnic" which is really a huge party some of friends have annually at someone's house/complex/clubhouse/etc. where everyone gets drunk, eat up all the food, dive in the pool, and freak on each other. I went last year. (i found out that anthony was supposed to go but didn't....i also found out that he was at the superbowl party i was supposed to go to but didn't. isn't it amazing how life works out... 2 times we should have met prior to our actual meeting. i wonder if we would have even talked to each other in those type of settings??)
Anyway, I told her that I didn't know if I was going or not b/c my folks hadn't told me about it yet. So um, for the last month, Anthony's been asking me if I'm gonna go. My reply has been i dunno, probably and I'd asked him if he was going this year. His reply was the same as mine.
Okay flashforward... I decided to go this past week but everytime I got ready to tell him, something came up... and I was like... i'll tell him next time we talk. So now it's saturday morning and I'm just now telling him I'm going when he called me to ask what I was getting into that day. Okay... so now he knows I'm going. I know he's going too... but he didn't offer for us to go together. He said he'd call me later. I said okay hung up and felt confused, angry, excited, anxious ... Okay...Why did he call just to see what I was doing that day and that's it? I mean, he already have plans so why call me now? and...WHY didn't he wanna go with me? Did I wait too late? Why do i care? I'll see him there... wait...Do I really wanna see him there? Do I want him to see me there? Doing what I do... will i have fun if he's there? Will we act like we are talking? Or will it be one of those...who can make who more jealous nights? Why am I stressing over this?
So these million and 2 questions are mulling over in my head... and it was beginning to make me feel funny...so per CeeCee's post, I decided to loved on myself. I got a mani/pedi, then went to the mall, bought me a little outfit for the "event" that night. Went and got a $15 eyebrow waxing....and a "mini-makeover" Even though they never put much makeup on me. I always feel like my makeovers consist of black eyeliner and lip gloss. What's that about?
While I was getting my "wax", Anthony called. He asked me what time I was going to "The Remedy" (they changed the name at the last minute. lol). I told him I didn't have a specific time. I was just gonna go whenever. It started at 5 and it was already about 5:30... so really, I was just wasting time until the sun went down a bit. He finally asked me if I mind going with him. I paused for a sec. hoping not to sound to excited and I said okay. It actually came out more like I DIDN'T wanna go with him. And as soon as I said it, I knew he felt that way too. Why do i do that. I've been waiting ALL day for him to ask me to go...and he does...and I act like I didn't really wanna go with him. I could have kicked myself right then. Anyways... I made up for it at the party. By the end of the night...he KNEW I wanted to be there with him... and I KNEW he wanted to be there with me.
I had soooooooooo much fun. I know it's not fair to post this long boring story and not give you the juicy details of the shake your booty/p...eating/and wet t-shirt contests...
I know, I know.. it's wrong not to tell you about Mario...or the orgy goin on in the corner of the swimming pool... or about his "homegirl" who got straight gone and started saying a little too much and I had to put ole girl in her place. I know it's wrong.. I KNOW IT. I'd be mad too if I read this ish and didn't get any details. lol BUT... it's coming. trust me. it's coming.
For now. all i'll say is... Anthony won the p...eating contest. ;) Nuff Said. lol
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
I was...
...listening to some old joint i made a few years back yesterday in the car. I was in the mood for those early 90's songs. You know.... the ones where as soon as it comes on, everyone stop what they doin to throw their hands up, girate their hips, cock their head to the left, close their eyes, bite their lips, and say "OOOOOOhhhhhhh" right before they start snapping their fingers and singing along. I mean, I went hunting for this CD monday because I practically threw out all the CD's I had that wasn't gospel/jazz/or classical last year. I found it stashed away in my "special safe" on which I wrote, "can't open til marriage". (lol - wishful thinking) Actually, I found a lot of interesting things in there that I can't wait to use, put on... re-use... etc.
Anywho...I found the CD I was yearning to hear and put it on blast while everyone else was bumpin some "You don't want drama" and "White tee" (okay why do i really, REALLY like this song... to the point where if it comes on, I'll turn that ish up to level "ear ache" and magically transform into the most ghetto-fied being. lol)
My cousin was not amused. I think she was too wired and crunk up for all my soft bedroom music. All while I was listenin to my slow jams... she was like... okay, this is the jam, but can you listen to this later!
She claims that "NEW NEW" will make you listen to that kinda ish in the middle of the day for no reason at all. Though I pretended not to hear her, my smirk probably gave away the fact that I completely agree.
Movin on....
Over the last month... my ex TD has been calling me quite frequently. He keeps telling me that he can't stop thinking about me and that the more we talk the more he realizes how much he misses me and how irreplaceable I really am. I dunno what to think about that. This IS the same guy that I couldn't pay to call me/miss me/love me when we were together. Now he's been in texas for a good....9 months now (which is longer than we dated) and he's all of a sudden.. "missin me"? What's that about? I dunno. Maybe he's trying to see if I'm still stuck on him or something... Or maybe he's getting ready to come back to the ATL for a few and wanna set up his "booty call" now. lol. Or maybe just maybe.... absence does make the heart grow fonder. Maybe one does miss something when it's gone. Hmmm...
Well whatever the reason for this sudden realization of feelings on his part, I don't see myself backtracking for him.
Song list:
Boys II Men - Ooh Ahh
Mint Condition - Pretty Brown Eyes
Barry White/James Ingram/Al B Sure/El Debarge - Secret Garden
Joe - All the things your man wont do
Boys II Men - I'll make love to you
Janet - Anytime Anyplace
Shai - Lose Control
After 7 - Takin my time
H-town - Knockin da Boots
R. Kelly - Sex me
Silk - Freak me
R. Kelly - Bump n Grind
Keith Sweat-make it last forever
Az Yet - Last Night
Jamie Foxx - Infatuation
Jodeci - My heart belongs to you
Anywho...I found the CD I was yearning to hear and put it on blast while everyone else was bumpin some "You don't want drama" and "White tee" (okay why do i really, REALLY like this song... to the point where if it comes on, I'll turn that ish up to level "ear ache" and magically transform into the most ghetto-fied being. lol)
My cousin was not amused. I think she was too wired and crunk up for all my soft bedroom music. All while I was listenin to my slow jams... she was like... okay, this is the jam, but can you listen to this later!
She claims that "NEW NEW" will make you listen to that kinda ish in the middle of the day for no reason at all. Though I pretended not to hear her, my smirk probably gave away the fact that I completely agree.
Movin on....
Over the last month... my ex TD has been calling me quite frequently. He keeps telling me that he can't stop thinking about me and that the more we talk the more he realizes how much he misses me and how irreplaceable I really am. I dunno what to think about that. This IS the same guy that I couldn't pay to call me/miss me/love me when we were together. Now he's been in texas for a good....9 months now (which is longer than we dated) and he's all of a sudden.. "missin me"? What's that about? I dunno. Maybe he's trying to see if I'm still stuck on him or something... Or maybe he's getting ready to come back to the ATL for a few and wanna set up his "booty call" now. lol. Or maybe just maybe.... absence does make the heart grow fonder. Maybe one does miss something when it's gone. Hmmm...
Well whatever the reason for this sudden realization of feelings on his part, I don't see myself backtracking for him.
Song list:
Boys II Men - Ooh Ahh
Mint Condition - Pretty Brown Eyes
Barry White/James Ingram/Al B Sure/El Debarge - Secret Garden
Joe - All the things your man wont do
Boys II Men - I'll make love to you
Janet - Anytime Anyplace
Shai - Lose Control
After 7 - Takin my time
H-town - Knockin da Boots
R. Kelly - Sex me
Silk - Freak me
R. Kelly - Bump n Grind
Keith Sweat-make it last forever
Az Yet - Last Night
Jamie Foxx - Infatuation
Jodeci - My heart belongs to you
Thursday, June 10, 2004
I'm ready to talk now....
Things have been going pretty well between AB and I. He’s full of unique compliments, affection, and genuine interest. He’s the type of guy that asks me when he can see me again before I can step in his door good. *lol* He’s the type of guy that will hold onto my thighs or waist when I try to get up from the couch because I told him 10 minutes ago that I gotta leave. He’s the kind of guy that would turn off the NBA finals in mid dunk just to prove that I have his undivided attention when I speak… (even though I was just saying “dang I’m glad Ben Wallace braided those naps he got. Whew!”..*lol* and I quickly told him to turn it back on. lol) He’s they kind of guy that will call a few times a day just to say “hey”. He’s the kind of guy that will hold your hand the entire time he’s driving. He’s the kind of guy that has dinner cooked when he knows I’m coming over. I like that kind of guy. I can definitely get used to this. Gramma always said, “beybee… to be happily murry'd, find a man that luv you mo’ den you luv him”. I’m beginning to see the benefits of that. :) Not to say that I’m not feeling him or anything… but it’s nice to be chased…courted...and desired without feeling like you have to reciprocate all that on an even higher level.
I must confess,
I still don’t feel the butterflies…
But as I get older, I’m starting to realize that’s not such a bad thing. I’ve felt butterflies a million times, yet, I’m still single so that MUST not be the answer. I talked about LIMERANCE in one of my earlier posts, so I won’t go into all that… but as I’ve matured, my outlook on love and marriage has shifted dramatically. I mean, most people…scratch that… most women fall in love with a man, then want to marry Him. They’ll sacrifice all the things they said they wanted to do, achieve, and accomplish, just to be with him all because they stumbled upon “love/limerance”. Most men, however, do what they gotta do, accomplish their goal,s do their thang, then decide that they wanna be married, and go and find a suitable woman. In other words, we find a man, then decide to marry him. They decide to marry, then find a woman.
Emotions/Whims vs. Rationale/Planning.
Women, we go in with our eyes closed…with blinders on… Or like me… we go into it playing around thinking we’re not gonna fall in love or get attached. Lord knows I’ve dated guys just for the sake of dating them…. And I went into it thinking, “I know he’s not what I really want or need …but he’s just something to do til something better comes around”. Then before I knew it, I’m all in love… crying about how different we are and struggling to make it work (flashback of my rocky relationship with TD). Trust me, if you play with fire… you will get burned. And if you don’t… something may be wrong with your sensors.
I’ve honestly begun to think more about adopting the male perspective on this marriage thing. This is why so many of us females are unhappy in our relationship. We meet a dog who we KNOW is a dog... but we ignore it because of the one or two nice things he may do in the beginning… then we straight fall in love and romanticize about the “potential” we see in him and how good he’ll be IF he just change these (insert number) things about himself. We start focusing on the 2% of good he does and ignore 98% of crap/ish/dog pooh he’s really about. Then we marry him and wonder why we’re not happy? We settle. We settle WAY more than we should.
Men…man, men set high standards in which the girl they marry MUST meet at least 90% of whatever they list on their list. … they weigh the pro’s and con’s… AND they are not afraid to walk away from situations that aren’t ideal to them b/c they realize that they if they are gonna spend the rest of their life with someone… she gotta be worth it. Men can separate their feelings from their rationale. HE might really be into that ghettofied, waffle house waitress with the long blonde weave, head turning apple bottom and small waist… that do those amazing tricks erry night… but when he gets ready to find a wife… he’s gonna find someone with class, education, and virtues, that can raise his seed, be his friend and can can stimulate ALL parts of him not just one…. And ladies that’s how we gotta be. We MUST stop basing our life decisions on how we feel today. We must stop basing our life decisions on the “possibility” factor. We must stop basing our life decisions on the fact that he stimulates just one or two parts of us. Have faith in God that He made you just the way He wanted you. He knows everything about you and He also made someone to love you and stimulate all of you just the way you are! (I’m really talking to myself ya’ll so excuse me)
I truly feel that if I spend a little more time getting to know a man’s qualities, flaws, hang-ups, opinions, outlook on life, etc… I’ll be better off making an accurate decision about him than just going off the “butterflies in my stomach” feeling. When limerance goes away… what’s left is what will make or break any given relationship… and if you don’t have a firm foundation to stand on… then you’re just NOT gonna make it. No matter how much love you “feel”.
I think that Love is more than just a feeling. Well true love is. Feelings change. Love shouldn’t. The whole notion of falling in and out of love is really what psychologists have termed limerance. But real love just shouldn’t go away like that. It takes time to create love so it should take time to exterminate love as well.
We need to start basing love on the some longitudinal type ish.. like…
be with a guy a full year or two…spend more time “building a friendship” instead of a “sexship”… see how he functions in various settings (alone, with his family, with strangers, with friends, with co-workers etc.)…go to church together, or whatever ya’ll are both into…don’t be afraid to try some new stuff together, look at his flaws and see if they are something you can really deal with (because most ppl change outside relationships not in them…and ladies, we shouldn’t be trying to change him anyways…that’s something he needs to do for himself) grow together, talk to… scratch that, talk with each other, listen to each other, take time to just enjoy each other’s company before rushing into exclusive committed marriage type relationships with a guy you may not even really know. See if he’s really the best fit for you. See if he’s someone you really can LIVE with. Someone that you can spend the rest of your life with AS IS. Then if he’s still a possibility, talk about more… talk about love then.
In saying all that… and going off on a MAJOR tangent. I said that to say… no, I don’t feel the butterflies I usually feel with limerance. But I’m so drawn to Anthony. (wow… I typed an actual name… no initials….I guess AB is out and Anthony is in. lol) Yet, it’s not really limerance I feel for him. It’s so much deeper. I sincerely wanna know HIM. I wanna see HIM, I wanna learn HIM, I wanna know what makes him smile, what irks him, what his real fears are, I wanna know how I can help him be a better man, I wanna know how he can help me become a better woman. He told me that every time he sees me, I add unto him. I thought about that. Science would have us believe that if object A is added to object B, then object A is automatically less than what it was before the addition. However, science is wrong on this one. Anthony adds unto me too. While filling him up, I’m also being filled…and fulfilled.
"Not everything that can be counted COUNTS, and not everything that COUNTS can be counted."
- Albert Einstein
I must confess,
I still don’t feel the butterflies…
But as I get older, I’m starting to realize that’s not such a bad thing. I’ve felt butterflies a million times, yet, I’m still single so that MUST not be the answer. I talked about LIMERANCE in one of my earlier posts, so I won’t go into all that… but as I’ve matured, my outlook on love and marriage has shifted dramatically. I mean, most people…scratch that… most women fall in love with a man, then want to marry Him. They’ll sacrifice all the things they said they wanted to do, achieve, and accomplish, just to be with him all because they stumbled upon “love/limerance”. Most men, however, do what they gotta do, accomplish their goal,s do their thang, then decide that they wanna be married, and go and find a suitable woman. In other words, we find a man, then decide to marry him. They decide to marry, then find a woman.
Emotions/Whims vs. Rationale/Planning.
Women, we go in with our eyes closed…with blinders on… Or like me… we go into it playing around thinking we’re not gonna fall in love or get attached. Lord knows I’ve dated guys just for the sake of dating them…. And I went into it thinking, “I know he’s not what I really want or need …but he’s just something to do til something better comes around”. Then before I knew it, I’m all in love… crying about how different we are and struggling to make it work (flashback of my rocky relationship with TD). Trust me, if you play with fire… you will get burned. And if you don’t… something may be wrong with your sensors.
I’ve honestly begun to think more about adopting the male perspective on this marriage thing. This is why so many of us females are unhappy in our relationship. We meet a dog who we KNOW is a dog... but we ignore it because of the one or two nice things he may do in the beginning… then we straight fall in love and romanticize about the “potential” we see in him and how good he’ll be IF he just change these (insert number) things about himself. We start focusing on the 2% of good he does and ignore 98% of crap/ish/dog pooh he’s really about. Then we marry him and wonder why we’re not happy? We settle. We settle WAY more than we should.
Men…man, men set high standards in which the girl they marry MUST meet at least 90% of whatever they list on their list. … they weigh the pro’s and con’s… AND they are not afraid to walk away from situations that aren’t ideal to them b/c they realize that they if they are gonna spend the rest of their life with someone… she gotta be worth it. Men can separate their feelings from their rationale. HE might really be into that ghettofied, waffle house waitress with the long blonde weave, head turning apple bottom and small waist… that do those amazing tricks erry night… but when he gets ready to find a wife… he’s gonna find someone with class, education, and virtues, that can raise his seed, be his friend and can can stimulate ALL parts of him not just one…. And ladies that’s how we gotta be. We MUST stop basing our life decisions on how we feel today. We must stop basing our life decisions on the “possibility” factor. We must stop basing our life decisions on the fact that he stimulates just one or two parts of us. Have faith in God that He made you just the way He wanted you. He knows everything about you and He also made someone to love you and stimulate all of you just the way you are! (I’m really talking to myself ya’ll so excuse me)
I truly feel that if I spend a little more time getting to know a man’s qualities, flaws, hang-ups, opinions, outlook on life, etc… I’ll be better off making an accurate decision about him than just going off the “butterflies in my stomach” feeling. When limerance goes away… what’s left is what will make or break any given relationship… and if you don’t have a firm foundation to stand on… then you’re just NOT gonna make it. No matter how much love you “feel”.
I think that Love is more than just a feeling. Well true love is. Feelings change. Love shouldn’t. The whole notion of falling in and out of love is really what psychologists have termed limerance. But real love just shouldn’t go away like that. It takes time to create love so it should take time to exterminate love as well.
We need to start basing love on the some longitudinal type ish.. like…
be with a guy a full year or two…spend more time “building a friendship” instead of a “sexship”… see how he functions in various settings (alone, with his family, with strangers, with friends, with co-workers etc.)…go to church together, or whatever ya’ll are both into…don’t be afraid to try some new stuff together, look at his flaws and see if they are something you can really deal with (because most ppl change outside relationships not in them…and ladies, we shouldn’t be trying to change him anyways…that’s something he needs to do for himself) grow together, talk to… scratch that, talk with each other, listen to each other, take time to just enjoy each other’s company before rushing into exclusive committed marriage type relationships with a guy you may not even really know. See if he’s really the best fit for you. See if he’s someone you really can LIVE with. Someone that you can spend the rest of your life with AS IS. Then if he’s still a possibility, talk about more… talk about love then.
In saying all that… and going off on a MAJOR tangent. I said that to say… no, I don’t feel the butterflies I usually feel with limerance. But I’m so drawn to Anthony. (wow… I typed an actual name… no initials….I guess AB is out and Anthony is in. lol) Yet, it’s not really limerance I feel for him. It’s so much deeper. I sincerely wanna know HIM. I wanna see HIM, I wanna learn HIM, I wanna know what makes him smile, what irks him, what his real fears are, I wanna know how I can help him be a better man, I wanna know how he can help me become a better woman. He told me that every time he sees me, I add unto him. I thought about that. Science would have us believe that if object A is added to object B, then object A is automatically less than what it was before the addition. However, science is wrong on this one. Anthony adds unto me too. While filling him up, I’m also being filled…and fulfilled.
"Not everything that can be counted COUNTS, and not everything that COUNTS can be counted."
- Albert Einstein
Monday, June 07, 2004
i've got questions....????
*Does absence make the heart grow fonder…or is out of sight out of mind?
*Is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? B/c I thought you can’t miss what you never had.
*Is it possible to love someone but not like them?
*Why do we spend so much time trying to be grown for the first 18-20 years of our life, and then spend the rest trying to stay young?
*Is anyone really happy with their life?
*Is ignorance bliss or does the truth really set you free?
*Is less more.. or is the more the merrier?
*Are the best things in life free, or do you get what you pay for?
*Why are the funniest jokes always the ones that hurt others the most?
*Do opposites attract or do birds of a feather flock together?
*How come married people always wanna be single…and single ppl always wanna get married?
*Is it possible for nice guys to finish last AND for cheaters to never win?
*If love is blind, and our eyes are the windows to our soul, can we really love from the depths of our soul?
*Why do we love from the bottom our heart and not the center?
*Has anyone ever killed 2 birds with one stone?
*If nothing under the sun is new and everything comes back full circle, then why is so much emphasis placed on originality?
*If everyone is striving to be different, unique, a nonconformist and a trendsetter doesn’t that in fact make them all the same? Isn’t the truly unique, different, non conformist person the one that actually wants to be unimaginative mundane/ordinary,conforming.... you know.. a follower/copycat?
I need answers... at least to some of them... I actually have more questions... but my fingers hurt.
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
*Is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? B/c I thought you can’t miss what you never had.
*Is it possible to love someone but not like them?
*Why do we spend so much time trying to be grown for the first 18-20 years of our life, and then spend the rest trying to stay young?
*Is anyone really happy with their life?
*Is ignorance bliss or does the truth really set you free?
*Is less more.. or is the more the merrier?
*Are the best things in life free, or do you get what you pay for?
*Why are the funniest jokes always the ones that hurt others the most?
*Do opposites attract or do birds of a feather flock together?
*How come married people always wanna be single…and single ppl always wanna get married?
*Is it possible for nice guys to finish last AND for cheaters to never win?
*If love is blind, and our eyes are the windows to our soul, can we really love from the depths of our soul?
*Why do we love from the bottom our heart and not the center?
*Has anyone ever killed 2 birds with one stone?
*If nothing under the sun is new and everything comes back full circle, then why is so much emphasis placed on originality?
*If everyone is striving to be different, unique, a nonconformist and a trendsetter doesn’t that in fact make them all the same? Isn’t the truly unique, different, non conformist person the one that actually wants to be unimaginative mundane/ordinary,conforming.... you know.. a follower/copycat?
I need answers... at least to some of them... I actually have more questions... but my fingers hurt.
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
I was just in a daydream about a young man i'm sorta seeing right now. I talked about him briefly in this post.. but we've been kickin it pretty regular lately. I really don't wanna write too much about him...or us, because I HATE getting all worked up and mushy over things that may or may not be a long-term fix. I feel stupid going back and reading how "in love" and "gaga" I was over a guy that only lasted for a month. So i'm gonna be cool about this one...
However, I just had to share one thing with ya. You may think it's pretty dumb but... it gave me butterflies.
I was chillin at his place the monday before last and we were watching something... honestly I don't remember. All I remember was that we had just ate some homemade chili dogs and he had to have a B&M after eating. Which of course I'm not too fond of... but can tolerate. So we're on the floor and he's sitting up against the couch with his legs out b/c I'm laying on his thighs...my back pressed to the carpet...
He's smoking his B&M and trying his hardest not to blow the smoke in my face...then he'll look at me looking at tv... and I'll look at him looking at me... and we'd smile at each other... then look back at tv.
I'm sure I've mentioned how touchy/feely I am. I love being close and cuddling, and touching. I'm very affectionate. The good thing about AB is that he's the same way, and he's completely fine with me being that way. I think that's why we vibe so well.
Anyway... at he starts stroking my hair and face... and it felt so good that I pretty much dozed off. I woke up when he stopped. I wasn't sure for how long I was out, but when I opened my eyes, he was staring at me with the most serious look on his face. I immediately became self conscious and looked up at him with my, what i do? look. He looked deep into my eyes, shook his head and said, "My God, you are beyond beautiful, you are... ethereal."
Ethereal! ETHEREAL! I've NEVER been called ethereal before. And he was sooo friggin serious when he said that. It was by far, the best compliment I've received in forever. I mean, it encompasses soooo much more than just the physical... or just the mental. It's the all around compliment for me. I couldn't do anything but smile.
I was just daydreaming about that.. and i wanted to share it. I could say much more...but i'll spare you. :)
However, I just had to share one thing with ya. You may think it's pretty dumb but... it gave me butterflies.
I was chillin at his place the monday before last and we were watching something... honestly I don't remember. All I remember was that we had just ate some homemade chili dogs and he had to have a B&M after eating. Which of course I'm not too fond of... but can tolerate. So we're on the floor and he's sitting up against the couch with his legs out b/c I'm laying on his thighs...my back pressed to the carpet...
He's smoking his B&M and trying his hardest not to blow the smoke in my face...then he'll look at me looking at tv... and I'll look at him looking at me... and we'd smile at each other... then look back at tv.
I'm sure I've mentioned how touchy/feely I am. I love being close and cuddling, and touching. I'm very affectionate. The good thing about AB is that he's the same way, and he's completely fine with me being that way. I think that's why we vibe so well.
Anyway... at he starts stroking my hair and face... and it felt so good that I pretty much dozed off. I woke up when he stopped. I wasn't sure for how long I was out, but when I opened my eyes, he was staring at me with the most serious look on his face. I immediately became self conscious and looked up at him with my, what i do? look. He looked deep into my eyes, shook his head and said, "My God, you are beyond beautiful, you are... ethereal."
Ethereal! ETHEREAL! I've NEVER been called ethereal before. And he was sooo friggin serious when he said that. It was by far, the best compliment I've received in forever. I mean, it encompasses soooo much more than just the physical... or just the mental. It's the all around compliment for me. I couldn't do anything but smile.
I was just daydreaming about that.. and i wanted to share it. I could say much more...but i'll spare you. :)
The Aftermath
I figure for the next few days, all of my dailies will be blogging about their wonderfully wild holiday weekend. And while honestly I'm looking forward to reading a few stories about drunken episodes & promiscuous escapades, I'm not sure if I want to reveal all of the "brow raising" affairs I've had this weekend.
I don't know... I just haven't been in the writing mood lately. I mean I have, but I haven't wanted to write about what's really going on in my life. I need prayer. I need help. I feel like my life's changing a bit more than I anticipated and I'm not sure if it's for the better or not. The last month or so has been interesting to say the least. So interesting I've actually thought about creating another blog just to be able to put it out there without hesitation. But with so many of the folks I talk about in my blog actually reading my blog now.. I don't think I could give the stories any justice and I'd definitely loose some key folks in my life after I write what's been going on with me as of late.
I feel trapped. I mean, I initially started my journal as a venting method. A way for me to keep track of events in my life... a way to get out some things I usually hold in, a way to release/reveal my true feelings without repercussion. But somewhere down the road I forgot why I wrote. I wanted an audience. I wanted my friends to know how I felt. I encouraged...sometimes even forced them to read my sweet nothings. Since nothing was really going on in my life then, it was easy to share my true feelings about nothing.... But now...well, now things are different. There's so much I want to say, need to say... I'm pregnant with these stories, feelings, and experiences....and I'm just waiting to birth them. The labor pains are here... I'm fully dialated... but I can't seem to push it out. I can't let it out because I'm afraid of the ramifications. I've let too many people in...and now I can't undo what's done. I can't admit to saying the things I said I'd never say, I can't admit to doing the things I said I'd never do. So where do I go from here...
I don't know... I just haven't been in the writing mood lately. I mean I have, but I haven't wanted to write about what's really going on in my life. I need prayer. I need help. I feel like my life's changing a bit more than I anticipated and I'm not sure if it's for the better or not. The last month or so has been interesting to say the least. So interesting I've actually thought about creating another blog just to be able to put it out there without hesitation. But with so many of the folks I talk about in my blog actually reading my blog now.. I don't think I could give the stories any justice and I'd definitely loose some key folks in my life after I write what's been going on with me as of late.
I feel trapped. I mean, I initially started my journal as a venting method. A way for me to keep track of events in my life... a way to get out some things I usually hold in, a way to release/reveal my true feelings without repercussion. But somewhere down the road I forgot why I wrote. I wanted an audience. I wanted my friends to know how I felt. I encouraged...sometimes even forced them to read my sweet nothings. Since nothing was really going on in my life then, it was easy to share my true feelings about nothing.... But now...well, now things are different. There's so much I want to say, need to say... I'm pregnant with these stories, feelings, and experiences....and I'm just waiting to birth them. The labor pains are here... I'm fully dialated... but I can't seem to push it out. I can't let it out because I'm afraid of the ramifications. I've let too many people in...and now I can't undo what's done. I can't admit to saying the things I said I'd never say, I can't admit to doing the things I said I'd never do. So where do I go from here...
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