My eyes are now puffy b/c I just cried for the last 15 minutes in the bathroom. I have never been one who could lie really well or wear the "poker face". My entire life, I've been told that my eyes tell my entire story. I never knew how true that was. One of best friends AW just wrote me a letter. We have been thick as thieves since may 2002 and this is the first time she's ever said or written anything like this to me. Lately I haven't been my usual bubbly "all smiles" self. Most ppl that know me or have ever talked with me say that I am always happy and always so upbeat and positive. Well something changed. These last few months I have been craving...feening even for that special someone. I am ready for marriage. I am ready for love to find me. I don't know what brought on this sudden surge for the "married" life, but my heart has literally been aching for companionship. There are many guys that would love to fill that space...but I KNOW in my heart that they aren't the ones. I'm only seeking the "right one" not "just any one". I'm tired of dating. I'm tired of relationships with guys that are cute, and say the right things, but are not what I KNOW God wants for me as a Husband. I'm ready for my Husband. And though I would have never admitted that in a million years to anyone... my eyes did. This is what my best friend just sent me via email....
" Good Morning,
Well I just wanted to send you a letter of encourgment. I realize that at the beging of the year you rededicated your life to God, Praise God! and I am now seeing the fruit of that by just seeing that you are comming to bible study every week. One thing I see about you is that you are not happy, you have a low self esteem, and that you want a relationship badly. I can understand a lot of what you feel because i have been there all of my life, so that is why I can identify with what you are going through.
Well if no one ever tells you this I want to be the first to tell you that you are very beautiful, not just the outter but also the inner. I don't know where you developed a low self esteem from, but you are very attractive. if I was a man I would date you, lol. Anyway, when I got serious about God good men would never approach me, and if they did they were hood and not willing to come to my level, and all they wanted to talk about is sex. So I would think that I was ugly and fat, and nobody wanted me.What God revealed to me was that he was reserving me for somebody special, and that I was poluted enough from my past, and If I got involved with anybody else I would be very polouted and i would not be ready for marriage. And seeing that I was about to get married I relize the importance of being purified by God,and I think that is why me and LaRay are doing well now becuase we both let God purify us and still is puryfing us during our breakup.Also God need me to get close to him and really know his ways. I had to make a decision Life or death. I had to cut off friends, music, family, and etc. I did all of this becuase I wanted to get closer to God. I am telling you this beucase you have such a BIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG heart which is good becuase the kigdom needs that, especially after talking to somebody like me, who is harsh.
I believe that God want to use you becuase there is so much in you. One thing I know is that you have so much love for people and my God I yern for that. I love you and I am your friend I am not a church friend........... you can talk to me about anything, I have touched every aspect of life. I am seeing the growth in you and I am enjoying observing that. Remeber you are a beautiful person inside and out. Don't lay down your cross for nobody, don't put nothing before Christ. Let God use you.
This is going to be a magnaimous year, meaning God is going to be very generous this year to his people, so take advantage of this year. Remeber I love you and I hate to see the inner you hurt.
Love you,
AW "
I read this letter and for a minute I just stared blankly at the screen telling myself that she is wrong...and wanting to be mad at her for telling me that I'm not happy and that I have low self esteem and that I want a relationship badly. I mean, she doesn't know how I feel. I wanted to write her back and correct her. I wanted so bad to convince her and myself that this letter meant nothing... but the longer I stared at the screen... the more I felt the sting of tears rushing to my eyes and the more I blinked to hold them back, the more they forced their way through the cracks. She is WAY more right than wrong. I don't have LOW self esteem... but it isn't where it should be. I was in a very verbally abusive relationship and I am still rising above that. I know I'm beautiful and I know I'm blessed. It's just that sometimes, I get a little down when ppl don't see my true essence. And no... I'm not really happy. Okay, let me rephrase that... I am very happy with my life. I am grateful for it, happy that I have parents that love and support me, friends that really care, a good job, many of lifes pleasures and etc. But it is no secret that there is a part of me that is missing. I yearn to receive and give my love to some deserving guy. I do. But I've never been one to dwell on that. I've always tried to be "successfully single." And it was easy when I had friends that were trying that "successfully single" bit with me. But the tables changed for them. All 5 of my close girlfriends... the only females I really associate with are in real, deep, meaningful relationships. I am the ONLY one single. And to hear them constantly talking about what their great guy did for them or how much they are in love and etc... it just enhances my feeling of lonliness. I AM happy for them. In no way am I jealous or hating... (well maybe a little on valentines day lol) But when they are all talking about their "guy" and going out on double and triple dates... I feel left out and utterly alone. And that is what I mean by I'm not happy. I feel like my friends are on a different level and this "successfully single" road is starting to get hard for me. I think that is when my sadness and hurt really started to show. It was easier to hide when no one was talking about relationships because none of us had one. But now that it's ALWAYS the topic of conversation with them... not only do i feel left out and uncomfortable, but I feel sad b/c I don't have my special guy to share ALL of my love with. I hate to suck the life out of any room, any body, and anything positive...so I try to focus on the happy part of me... however, when talking about relationships...they are gonna always see that hurt inner me that longs to be with her future husband. That is something that has always been there... but covered up when the focus wasn't on men...and relationships.
What I've learned:
Only God can stop the hurt. Only God can give me peace. When I'm focused on Him, there is no void. When I'm praising God, I could care less if I'm single or married. God fills that space better than anyone or thing could. So until my change come, my goal is to Seek the Kingdom of God and all of it's righteousness...THEN...all of the desires of my heart will be added unto me.
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