At this Big Age...

I'm 44 now and I'm finally starting to come into my own.

I feel like I've grown more these last 2 years then I have my entire life. Here's what I've realized.

• I don't know myself. As much as I have worked on myself over my adult life... I've learned that I don't know ISH! I've done things that I never thought I'd do. And I've stopped things that I always thought I'd do. I have been challenged with real life choices that went against my beliefs. I've had my paradigms shifted by new and different information and experiences. I realized how closed I was to ideas and ways of life that didn't align with what I thought was successful, or perfection, or moral. I've been stretched, challenged, and tested. Some I passed...some I failed. Life has its way of humbling you. But what I've learned is that I should never judge anyone else and their experiences. I also learned that there's a process to BECOMING ME. I haven't arrived. I don't know who I am fully because I'm not done evolving yet. I don't know myself yet. I only know aspects of me. I am still developing...even at this big age.

• The key to happiness is learning to accept. I've always had trouble with not being in control or in the know. I feel most at peace when I'm in control. When I know what's going on, I feel like I can influence things and make ISH happen. I feel lost and out of sorts when I think my hands are tied. But life has taught me that I am not GOD. I don't know it all and I can't control it all. The more I remember this concept and accept that I can't bear the weight of the world, the happier I am. Your thoughts of me... is none of my business. Those million and one problems y'all have...has nothing to do with me. Staying in my lane and accepting that what will be will be...has freed up so much space in my mind and so much cortisol from my belly! lol I can't worry about things I can't control. I accept who people are, what people do, how people move... and adjust accordingly. This has led to much more happiness and less stress!

• Relationships are a teacher. You want to know who you are? Look at your relationships. Every interaction with another human being will tell you more about yourself than anything and anyone else. Look at how you respond, engage, commit, speak, show up, react when things don't go your way, compromise, think, and feel. What kind of parent are you? Boss? Co-worker? Friend? Child? Spouse? Community member? Cousin? Sibling? Do you people say the same thing about you as you say about yourself? Do they all see a different version of you...or is the chatter pretty consistent. Who are you? Look at those around you and you can get a pretty good picture. I've learned that we all have blind spots that everyone else can see but us. Instead of dismissing everyone else as being wrong... I've learned to embrace it and work on that thing they see but I'm not aware of. I ask trusted loved ones how I can be better...and learn from the corrective criticism. Learn from those around you. It'll change your life.

Well I thought I didn't have anything to say...

 I've actually been to this blog several times in the last few years. I just haven't posted anything. Where do I start? Where do I end? Life comes at you fast. There's no way to update all that happens day in and day out without actually posting day in and day out.

So here I am. Not posting... or better put, posting a non-post. Let's see what comes up....

*crickets*

This past 12 months I have experienced a sort of...mid-life crisis. I never thought those were real. I only thought that it happened to 50-year-old white men who were balding and bored with their stay-at-home wives.

I don't have time for a mid-life crisis. I don't have the energy... or the mental space for it. Yet here we are... spazzing the heck out! Internally of course.

On the surface, all looks well. Usher and I are still married. My bonus daughter is now 27. Isn't that the wildest thing you've ever heard? She's older than I was when I started this blog. Mind blowing!

I have a great job, beautiful home, parents are retired and doing well. I get to travel, eat well, enjoy my girlfriends, do what I want basically and yet... I feel unfulfilled.

My birthday is coming up next week. My birthday last year marks the last time I saw my Father-in-Law alive (he died August 3rd), and the last time I received a text from my work bestie (she died August 8th). They made the 3rd and 4th "life changing" deaths I experienced last year. It literally changed me. 

I couldn't stop thinking about all of their lives and how they chose to live...what they did...how they did it.

I felt like I had been shortchanging myself for years. I've been living a safe life on auto-pilot. Waiting for some magical day when something amazing would happen. I took a long hard look at my life and realized how much I lived for others, pleased others, sacrificed for everyone else, and took care of them over myself and my needs. I realized that I didn't do half the things I wanted to do. I didn't even really know what it was I wanted to do.

I cried.

Not like a quick tear flowing cry... but a deep guttural wail... an uncontrollable sob... a cry from the deepest place in my soul...that lasted for days...

Weeks...

Months...

Almost a year. :(

And... I'm still crying. 

No really... I literally came here to post because I can't stop crying at work. I cry about 3 times a week during the middle of the day...to the point I have to go to the restroom or outside just to stop. And I cry about 5 times a week at night in the dark before I go to bed. 

I don't know how to stop it. I feel so empty. So alone. Even with all the wonderful people and support... I feel like I've wasted so much of my life. I feel like I haven't experienced enough. I'm tired of being the good girl, loyal woman, faithful dependable person who is everything to everyone. 

I don't feel like I get that same energy. 

I know people love me. But it doesn't feel like the same love I give to them. And when I took the time to start looking back on my life and my decisions... I can't stop crying.

I started reflecting on so many different aspects of my life. My childhood took more of a toll on me than I ever realized. Here I was thinking that I was okay, but I'm starting to realize that most of my personality, action, and thoughts are trauma responses. I am an anxious attacher who people pleases because I thought that was how you get love.

My romantic relationships have all been with narcissist who attached to me ... probably because I'm an  empath...and because I exhibited low self esteem tendencies when I didn't even realize it. I don't feel that I have ever been properly loved for who I am... because I didn't even know who I was really.

This past year has been a journey for me. I've been trying to find out who I am and who I want to be.

I started reading books and researching things that have helped me identify how a lot of my life choices were made from fear, hurt, faulty paradigms, generational ignorance, and lack of confidence in myself.

This year I've tried to correct things... and I've made some really great decisions. I've had some hard conversations with my husband, my parents, and myself. I've stepped out of my comfort zone and sat in some uncomfortable seats. 

I've changed. Permanently changed. I can't go back to being the woman I was. She's gone. Whether it's for the better or not is yet to be seen. Because I've also made some really, really bad decisions this past year too. Some of my "corrections" were "overcorrections" and it turned me in a completely different direction than where I feel I should be going. I have regrets...but at the very least... it's nothing that I can't turn back around from. I may take a while, but I'll get to HER. The woman I can be proud of. The woman that I can be confident in and non- apologetic for.

I have faith that I will eventually get to the better!

Right now... just pray for your girl. This mid-life crisis thing is WILD!