Lessons

The closer I approach 30, the more excited I become. I guess I’ve always felt that wisdom come with age. I’m now learning that it really comes with the byproduct of age: Experience.

It’s a beautiful thing to see yourself growing up…maturing…evolving…learning.

Although it may not seem like it at times, I truly am learning some things.

My breakup with Usher as you know stunned me. Everyone knows that I’m a lover of love. In any relationship I’m in, I pour my heart and soul into it. I.LOVE.HARD. Period.


But you know what? These past few years of relationships, especially this last one with Usher, has taught me a lot.


Lesson 1 (learned): Never submerge yourself into his world.

It’s great to get lost in your man’s eyes. But getting lost in his life isn’t. Sometimes we get so caught up in the relationship that we lose ourselves and sense of identity. His friends and family become ours. His hobbies are suddenly our “favorite thing.” We only go out with him. And before you know it, your whole world revolves around him. This may feel great while you’re with him, but TRUST ME…when the relationship is over, you have no idea what to do with yourself because for months/years you’ve been wrapped up in his world.

I am genuinely heartbroken over my break up with Usher. However, I must say that after the initial shock of losing the one you love and the “pain” that comes with that, I’m feeling pretty good considering. Reason being: I kept my own life/identity throughout the relationship. Most of the “pain” I used to feel in relationships were about 50% hurt, and 50% panic/fear. The panic came from not knowing who I was anymore and not being able to do anything alone because I was so used to having “a boyfriend” to do things with. I thank Usher for encouraging me to “do me” sometimes while we were together. Now that I’m single again, I can still go through many of my old routines with no problem because I’ve been doing it all along. Whereas usually, I’d be obsessively reminiscing about how “he and I used to do this and that together”.

I think having my own friends, own hobbies, and past times have help to lessen the blow of being alone. Yes it still hurts that we’re not together… but not half as much as it would if I made HIM my life as I’ve foolishly done in the past with others.

Learning this simple rule has allowed me to grieve, cry, hurt…etc… and then get up, hold my head high, and continue on with my life.

With that being said, there are some lessons that I just haven’t gotten through my thick skull yet. I know that I need to get it…but I just haven’t quite mastered them yet.

Lesson 2 (still learning): After a breakup, remove all ties to your former flame to heal the quickest and healthiest.

Break-ups are hard. What’s harder is trying to “be friends” immediately after a breakup. When two people have been together for a while, they become comfortable with each other and their routine. Being friends immediately after a break “helps” (so it initially seems) to ease that transition from couple to singleness by keeping some routines in tact. The problem is that the lines are usually cloudy…especially to the one that didn’t want the relationship to end. If you still poke at a wound, it will take longer to heal. Same with breakups. Seeing, calling, hanging, with your ex will only give you the false impression that things are still the same. And eventually, when s/he moves on with someone else, you’ll feel like you hung on too long and the “break up” feeling will be just as intense (or more) then than if you would have dealt with it initially.

A clean break up is best because it will force you to deal with reality, while also allowing you to begin your healing. I won’t lie and say that it’s been easy. Usher and I are both having a hard time letting it go. We keep adding oxygen to the smoke… only to light the back fire up a little. He’ll call to “hear my voice”… then I’ll call to “hear his”. I know it’s not healthy because all that does is foster memories and thoughts about "us", which reiterates the fact that you're not together. That in turn makes the pain all so real and the singleness all the more intense. Then to counter those feelings, we call back and make plans to get "one last hug/kiss/look/etc.". And every time we see each other, I find myself getting back into the “relationship” routine with him. This is a vicious cycle that will keep you all "unofficially together" until one of you decide to stop the madness. This is an emotional coaster i've been on before and don't want to go back on with Usher although I find myself standing right here in the line. I don’t want to drag this out until one day next year sometime, he’s with someone else and I’m left to face the fact I KNEW this was coming and refused to look at reality. I don’t want to feel what I feel now…a year from now. Feel me?

We still love each other very much… but we both have to take a stand. If we’re going to be together…then we should make it official. If we’re not, (which we aren’t) then we both need time to heal. Now I’m not saying that we can’t be friends in the future. I’m not even saying that we won’t ever get back together in the future (although I doubt it …more in next post). It’s very possible that later on in life our paths will cross. But we need this time to move in our various directions since that's what "breaking up" really is.

Hopefully I’ll take my own advice soon. Pray for us.

More on lessons later. :)

Foreshadowing

A week after I wrote my last post, Usher and I parted.

As with any break-up from someone you truly love, this devastated me.

I'd imagine that I'd be a pro with heartbreaks by now, but each time it gets harder and more painful.

This is a man I never thought I would fall in love with. And once I did, I never thought our love would end. Well my love for him still hasn't ended, but our relationship did.

I am not sure how to feel about this. I mean he says it's for our best...and in a way I agree. Everyone knows how crazy our time together was. We was always arguing and trying to get the other to see it our way. But I loved that about us... it was challenging.
Challenging...yet... no love was ever lost. I loved this man so much. Still do. Yet I have to let him go. And I don't really know how. How can you let go of someone who you don't want to let go of? How do I keep it moving knowing that nothing really went wrong to cause us to break up...we just...did?

I hate being so close to him and knowing I can't have him. I hate sitting on the couch where we cuddled on so many times. Cooking in the kitchen he'd sing to me in while I was dishes. I hate laying in the sheets that still smell like him. Looking at the pottery he put his ashes in...driving in and out the complex I moved in just to be closer to him.

It's a nightmare that everywhere I look, everything I hear, every voice I hear reminds me of the love I have for this man that I can no longer express to him.

Lord, I really hope that I recover from this.

This was a turning point for me.

I'm so tired of breaking up.

So tired.

Return of the Sway

I can't believe it's 4 days short of a year since I quit blogging. Blogging was my thang!! But you know when you have nothing left to say, it's time to pack up and go. One day I just decided to stop and I never really looked back.

Until now.

It amazes me how almost a year later, the urge to pour out my heart has returned. I doubt I'll post as much as before...but this blogging thing works wonders for my troubled mind.

Alot has changed in my life since last year. I lost a few pounds. Got a second job. And moved. Yup. I finally moved. lol

But honestly, as I read back over my life from '03-'06. I've realized that things haven't changed as much as I'd like. I'm still not fulfilled. I'm still aching for that companionship I talked about for 3 years.

Yeah, Usher and I are still together. In fact, my crazy behind moved 4 minutes away from him. He wasn't the only reason I moved there, but his proximity to the complex had a lot to do with my decision.

We've had some really great times and made a ton of great memories that I will always keep dear to my heart. As I reminisce, I realize how many of those times were SOOOOOO blogworthy. lol

But in true Usher/Sway fashion, we've had some really tough times. His need to chase paper and my need for attention is like the waves of the ocean crashing into a rock: a few crashes may not have too much of an effect, but after continuous contact the foundation slowly starts to erode.

What's so dangerous is that we're slowly falling apart with each argument, and we don't even realize it until one day, all of the little clashes turn into something that one of us can no longer deal with.

Sad thing is, my relationship with Usher isn't the only unfulfillment I currently have. It's like, I've been in this funk for almost a month and I can't seem to get out of it.

I figured maybe I can work through it here.
Anyways...we'll see.