There was a guy.
With me there's always a guy.
I’ve always been that girlfriend who keeps herself a man. I know men aren’t accessories, but looking back, I guess I did kinda change them out like purses or shoes or something. When one man got old and worn out…I'd go get another one. I didn’t spend too much of my life single. Sometimes I feel that’s a good thing…Most times I feel it’s not. *shrug*
I never planned it that way…or got ansy when one relationship ended and I found myself by myself. I enjoyed my “ME” time… and I guess that genuine contentment radiated through me. Men were drawn to it. They wanted to get to know me and I happily let them into my life. Just like that, a relationship was born.
It was 1996 and I was starting a new school along with the rest of my classmates. Our our old high school was being converted into a middle school and it illicited many emotions from all 1500+ of us. Half of us went to Lakeside, the other half went to Tucker. I was excited to know that all my friends would be coming with me to experience our Junior year at Lakeside. It was like having the best of both worlds…having a whole new pool of people to meet without the awkwardness of being a freshman. It was the perfect blend of old and new. It gave me something to look forward to.
Well, a few weeks before the start of school, my first love decided to trade our 1.5 year relationship for the possibility of new opportunities. It hurt like hell because he was the only guy (to this day) that I saw for the first time and decided I was totally, madly, and head over heels gaga about. He was my “love-at-first-sight”. And he wanted to... explore his options. *smh* So I started school with a broken heart…and was thankful that my 3 best friends would be here with me to help me deal with that.
I never quite fit perfectly into the defined "groups" in High School. I was known, but I wouldn't call myself popular. I was in all advanced classes, but I didn't really hang with the "nerds". I guess you can say...I was a band geek although at my school, band was a respectable group to be a part of... *shrug* lol
My 8th and 9th grade years were spent playing the clarinet in marching band. When GT (my first love mentioned above) and I started dating, I decided that I wanted to join the drum core (drumline) to be closer to him at practices and games. So my 10th grade year, I did just that. Around that time I shed my “tomboy” appearance and by the time I hit my junior year….I was all woman. I felt like showing the new me off by joining the dance team. My old high school never won any football games, but you wouldn’t have known it by the way the band showed out in the stands. I knew nothing about this new school, but I did know that Friday nights wouldn’t be the same if I wasn’t still showing out at the games.
Our dance team practiced just as much, if not more, than the band. Some of the girls were cool…and the others took our “Royal Divas” name to heart. One particular girl earned the name “Nosebleed” from my friends because we figured she MUST have had one to be holding her head and nose in the air that high all the time.
Anyways, I loved dance team. I was still apart of the band and got into games for free….but we had cool, sexy outfits…and I was able to do something I genuinely loved. It was even better to have experienced it with my girls . Being a part of the dance team was a little different than playing an instrument because ALL through the game we had to perform. We had no breaks. We enjoyed the game…but we always had to keep one eye open on our captain because we never knew what was coming. We were continuously dancing. Even when we were sitting we were doing some kind of subtle dance movement. It was also different because we stood out. The band motto was the same as in the movie Drumline… ONE BAND, ONE SOUND. Band members all looked alike. There was no room for individuality there. On dance team however…we strived on being a part of the group, but being distinctly different from the next dancer. We each got a chance in the spotlight. There was a "favorite" girl for everyone. People actually looked at each of our faces... our shapes...our movements. We stood out. I stood out.
That’s how HE first saw me.
The merging of the two schools proved to be profitable for football. We had somehow managed to win almost every game that season. Our reward was being able to play our regional game at the Georgia Dome. Coming from a losing school…this was HUGE for us. I was WAY more hype than I ever could have imagined. There were camera crews everywhere and the excitement of being in the Dome just put all of us over the edge.
Halftime came and I was already exhausted from all the jumping I was doing in the stands.
Wow! I’m dancing at the DOME!! I thought to myself as I posed on the sideline.
I was sooooo excited. The crowd went wild as the beat of the drum filled the place.
Is that us??? We sound GREAT!
I began high stepping on the field.
This place is HUUUUGE! I’m soooo excited.
Since I'm “vertically challenged”, I'm always in the front. It proved to be a wonderful thing that day though.
The camera caught me in the middle of our routine and my adrenaline rushed into high gear. My kicks became higher... smile was brighter... I shook my hips like I was about to break something. I tell you the truth, that camera man was getting a SHOW from me. So much so that when we went back to the stands…he followed us and continued to get shots of us dancing throughout the 3rd and 4th quarters. That’s when I found out that we were up on the big screens at the Dome for everyone to see.
“I saw you dancing girl….who taught you how to dance like that?” My dad joked as we went to eat after our exhilarating victory.
“Momma” I said laughing… knowing she’d try her best to do a two step while my dad roll his eyes and tell me for the umpteenth time how she has no rhythm and he’s the dancer in the family.
The big screen made me a celebrity that day. I got plenty of screen time and everyone who knew me had come to tell me how crunk I looked up there.
I had no idea HE was there.
I didn’t even know who HE was.
But that night…while on the sidelines, HE saw me on the big screen.
And that night…HE asked around and found out everything he could about me.
I was being watched…talked about…and admired by someone I never knew existed.
I was oblivious to his growing attraction to me. He'd watched me the entire night act a plum fool in the stands...and I knew nothing.
I didn't know that moment would affect my life 10 years later...
to be continued...
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
If
If you believe in God...
If you believe that He answers prayers...
If you believe that He moves right before we stop believing...
If you believe...
then I solicit your prayers.
Pray for my strength...because it's running out...
My faith...because it's smaller than that mustard seed...
My peace...for there often is none...
My mind...because it's in dire need of renewing...
My heart...so that the heavy burdens i carry there will be lifted...
I'm not depressed.
But I do realize that I want more than to just be happy.
I'm actually quite tired of just being happy.
A wise person once told me that "Happiness is an emotion determined by external factors. Joy, on the other hand, is an eternal state/mindset that comes from within (and above)."
That's what I want. I want joy. No matter what's going on in my life... I want joy. I'm tired of being up and down depending on situations and things around me. I just want to be able to keep going...rolling with the punches...knowing that no one can take my joy.
I've realized that my problem is not my insecurities about Usher and I, it's not about my tumultous past...or my unknown future, it's not about having more money...or losing weight. My problem is that I don't have true joy. I don't have the joy of the Lord.
One of the mother's in my old church used to sing that song almost every week...
"This joy I have, the world didn't give it to me. The world didn't give it and the world can't take it away"
That's the kind of joy I want. That's the kind of joy I once had... and somewhere down the line, I let it slip away. I wandered away from God and all the peace and joy I once had. Lord knows I'm trying to get back. But all those things I listed above seem to hold me in this akward state where I want to move back closer to God...but I can't seem to get my feet moving. I can't seem to forget why I wandered in the first place. I can't seem to get it together enough to make things the way they were... and all I can do now is to ask God to help me. All I can do now is to ask for prayers from believers. All I can do now is stand.
Real talk...
If you believe that He answers prayers...
If you believe that He moves right before we stop believing...
If you believe...
then I solicit your prayers.
Pray for my strength...because it's running out...
My faith...because it's smaller than that mustard seed...
My peace...for there often is none...
My mind...because it's in dire need of renewing...
My heart...so that the heavy burdens i carry there will be lifted...
I'm not depressed.
But I do realize that I want more than to just be happy.
I'm actually quite tired of just being happy.
A wise person once told me that "Happiness is an emotion determined by external factors. Joy, on the other hand, is an eternal state/mindset that comes from within (and above)."
That's what I want. I want joy. No matter what's going on in my life... I want joy. I'm tired of being up and down depending on situations and things around me. I just want to be able to keep going...rolling with the punches...knowing that no one can take my joy.
I've realized that my problem is not my insecurities about Usher and I, it's not about my tumultous past...or my unknown future, it's not about having more money...or losing weight. My problem is that I don't have true joy. I don't have the joy of the Lord.
One of the mother's in my old church used to sing that song almost every week...
"This joy I have, the world didn't give it to me. The world didn't give it and the world can't take it away"
That's the kind of joy I want. That's the kind of joy I once had... and somewhere down the line, I let it slip away. I wandered away from God and all the peace and joy I once had. Lord knows I'm trying to get back. But all those things I listed above seem to hold me in this akward state where I want to move back closer to God...but I can't seem to get my feet moving. I can't seem to forget why I wandered in the first place. I can't seem to get it together enough to make things the way they were... and all I can do now is to ask God to help me. All I can do now is to ask for prayers from believers. All I can do now is stand.
Real talk...
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
September Deferred
You ever feel like you’re living the real live version of the Truman show. Sometimes I swear I’m on tv or something. Everyone can’t be experiencing the amount of random crazy things I see/hear/feel everyday. But then again, maybe they do.*shrug*
Aaaaaaaaanywho...
September has been a reflective month for me thus far. Everywhere I go, I’m reminded of the life I thought I’d be living right now. Emails about birthdays and how this month is reported to have the most babies born of all months….coupled with blast emails from David’s Bridal, Modern Bride, and all the other sites I registered with counting down the days until my wedding….has made it hard to forget.
If life had went as planned, baby would be a few weeks old now…if that. And TG and I would only be a week and 3 days away from our wedding day.
Instead, there’s no baby. There’s no TG. And while at the beginning of this year, those two things sounded like the end of the world to me, I’m still here. Life’s still going on. I can still smile. I can still be happy. I can still…love.
At times I feel guilty about that. Guilty for enjoying my life. How can I be happy when baby’s not here? How can I just… move on like that. I mean, I’ll never forget…and I have my nights even now where my mind drifts to our 2 months together and I remember. I cry and I cry…and I ache…and I long.
But then I have to pull myself together…and move on….although I never really do. I move on in life…but in my heart…baby will never be forgotten.
I guess that’s why lately I’ve been feeling this strong maternal desire. I want a child. Really bad. Now I know that I’m not really ready for one financially. And if I’m really honest with myself… I’m not ready for one period. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel that pull.
It’s a hard thing for me to watch 4 of my best friends give birth this year…and watch their children grow…and see the glow on the new mommies’ faces without feeling a tinge of jealousy, hurt, and sadness…
But you know what… my time will come.
No one knows why God allows things to happen they way they happen. However I do know that my life is going exactly the way it is supposed to go…and I’m looking forward to seeing what my future holds.
.
.
.
.
.
I saw a rainbow yesterday. I always see it in the same place…getting off the expressway exit by my house. I look up and there it is… in all it’s beauty. There’s nothing like a real rainbow. Everytime I see one I swear I smile. Every single time. I don’t know why, but no matter what’s going on in my life, rainbows seem to give me hope. Just the fact that it’s there soothes me. All the way home I had this cheesy grin on my face. I’m happy. :)
I have two loving parents who supports me in all my endeavors. Really good friends whom I can call on for whatever. And my Usher…whose smile and hugs have gotten me over many many rough days. I have a good job. A reliable car. I eat each and EVERY Day… (way too much usually)...and a place to rest. I’m blessed. I’m really blessed!
Things may not have panned out the way i thought it would... but there's definitely nothing wrong with this new plan.
I'm excited again...
Excited to see how far this plan goes...
Excited to know that even if this plan doesn't pan out the way i think it should...that whatever's next could be just as good.
I'm just excited.
Aaaaaaaaanywho...
September has been a reflective month for me thus far. Everywhere I go, I’m reminded of the life I thought I’d be living right now. Emails about birthdays and how this month is reported to have the most babies born of all months….coupled with blast emails from David’s Bridal, Modern Bride, and all the other sites I registered with counting down the days until my wedding….has made it hard to forget.
If life had went as planned, baby would be a few weeks old now…if that. And TG and I would only be a week and 3 days away from our wedding day.
Instead, there’s no baby. There’s no TG. And while at the beginning of this year, those two things sounded like the end of the world to me, I’m still here. Life’s still going on. I can still smile. I can still be happy. I can still…love.
At times I feel guilty about that. Guilty for enjoying my life. How can I be happy when baby’s not here? How can I just… move on like that. I mean, I’ll never forget…and I have my nights even now where my mind drifts to our 2 months together and I remember. I cry and I cry…and I ache…and I long.
But then I have to pull myself together…and move on….although I never really do. I move on in life…but in my heart…baby will never be forgotten.
I guess that’s why lately I’ve been feeling this strong maternal desire. I want a child. Really bad. Now I know that I’m not really ready for one financially. And if I’m really honest with myself… I’m not ready for one period. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel that pull.
It’s a hard thing for me to watch 4 of my best friends give birth this year…and watch their children grow…and see the glow on the new mommies’ faces without feeling a tinge of jealousy, hurt, and sadness…
But you know what… my time will come.
No one knows why God allows things to happen they way they happen. However I do know that my life is going exactly the way it is supposed to go…and I’m looking forward to seeing what my future holds.
.
.
.
.
.
I saw a rainbow yesterday. I always see it in the same place…getting off the expressway exit by my house. I look up and there it is… in all it’s beauty. There’s nothing like a real rainbow. Everytime I see one I swear I smile. Every single time. I don’t know why, but no matter what’s going on in my life, rainbows seem to give me hope. Just the fact that it’s there soothes me. All the way home I had this cheesy grin on my face. I’m happy. :)
I have two loving parents who supports me in all my endeavors. Really good friends whom I can call on for whatever. And my Usher…whose smile and hugs have gotten me over many many rough days. I have a good job. A reliable car. I eat each and EVERY Day… (way too much usually)...and a place to rest. I’m blessed. I’m really blessed!
Things may not have panned out the way i thought it would... but there's definitely nothing wrong with this new plan.
I'm excited again...
Excited to see how far this plan goes...
Excited to know that even if this plan doesn't pan out the way i think it should...that whatever's next could be just as good.
I'm just excited.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Baby I swear it's Deja Vu...
August 15th
9:52am
work phone rings
Me: Behavioral Research, Sway speaking.
Usher: Hey Honey…whatchu doin?
Me: Nothin. Just getting ready for this 10am meeting. *looking at the clock*
Usher: oh okay… I just wanted to tell you this real quick. Tobie called me a few minutes ago. *laughing*
Me: *feeling knots* Oh yeah?
Here we go. What the hell does she want now. I hate when she calls. I hate hearing her name. I hate hearing about her. Ugh!
Usher: Yeah. Get this. She calls to tell me that she’s considering going to rehab and wants to know how I feel about my daughter coming to live with me until she gets out.
Me: mmmm...okay...
I tried to say it as casually as I could…but I just felt like something was coming. The knots in my stomach tightened… my hands were shaking. I didn’t know why. They just were. I took a deep breath and continued to listen.
Usher: Yeah… so I told her that ya' know…I’d love for my daughter to come down here, but I gotta make some arrangements, and I’d get back with her on that.
Then she was like… “and yeah, I was thinking that um…once I get out of rehab, I could move down to Atlanta and live with you too and we can try to make it work again?” *laughing hysterically* That woman is crazy! I told her…I got a girlfriend now shawty! That ship has sailed.
Me: *gulping hard* Yeah. *uneasy laugh*
Him: Then she had the nerve to tell me that she misses me and that things haven't been going right since I left. She talkin about she realize that she did me wrong and promises she'll never do it again. She claims that she sees now that I was her protector up there... she done got into 6 fights since I left. She lost 4 and won 2. *gut bursting laughter* Then she was like "how can I make it up to you" And I told her there was nothing she could do. I told her I made the same promise to you that I made to her about never leaving, so that's what she get for doing me wrong and then i hung up on her ass. *still laughing* Well that’s all I wanted to tell you. That shit was fuuuuun-neeeeee! Aight, I gotta go… have a good day honey. I’ll call you later.
Me: uh…alright.
I sat at my desk paralyzed. It was now 9:59…and I couldn’t move.
I had to be at this meeting…but I was visibly shook. My whole body trembled…my heart was beating fast…my legs were wobbly and I felt as if I was about to break into sobs.
Why was I feeling like this. He just told me that he didn’t want his ex. Shouldn’t I be happy?
I managed to find my way to the meeting and sit through the entire thing without letting one tear fall. But I couldn’t concentrate.
An array of emotions surfaced.
I was insecure.
I was scared.
Nervous…
This was all too familiar…
This is exactly how it started with TG last year.
The phone calls from the ex…at first about the kids…then about her wanting him back…then where they went wrong…
Next thing I knew, he was telling me that he had to go back and try it once more…
His kids needed him. He wanted to make his family work. He needed to make his family work and I was left...
we were left.
I tried hard to focus on my meeting. But all I could manage to do was focus on keeping my tears from hitting my cheek. I know everyone noticed. But I couldn't shake this off. I really care about Usher. I really enjoy his company. I really want this to work out for us...and I don’t want Usher to leave.
Not like that anyways. If we don’t work out… I don’t want it to be because I was just a rebound chick he was messing with until he felt he punished his ex enough before going back to her. I don't want it to be because he left me for someone he said he was done with. I don't want it to be because he never intended to stay with me.
I can’t go through this again. Not like this. I just…can’t.
Am I over reacting? He did tell me before that he wasn’t going back to her. And his phone call was to tell me that he wasn’t planning on going back to her now.
But still… the thought of it makes me queasy.
How could I get myself into the same type situation again? Didn’t I learn anything about dating divorced men with children!
He’s gonna leave me…
Watch...he's gonna leave...
He’s gonna freakin leave me for her…I kept hearing a voice repeat over and over again in my head.
It got so uncontrollable that I couldn’t think of anything else all day.
He didn’t give it another thought. The moment it left his mouth he was done. It was over…and he moved on… but me…I couldn’t let it go.
After my meeting I called him and expressed my need to see him that night. I knew he got off late, but I didn’t care. I needed reassurance and I needed it NOW.
“Is everything okay? You okay?” He questioned after hearing the anxiety in my voice.
“Yeah… I just uh… I just need to see you” I lied.
That night I just watched him. He seemed so unmoved by what happened earlier that day. A woman you loved dearly and spent the last 10 years of your life with called you and begged you for another chance and it doesn’t move you?
He’s faking it. It had to touch him. He had to consider it… He’s not in love with me… and although he’s already vowed to never leave me…c’mon…this is someone you share a child with. Someone who you wife'd. Someone you were crazy in love with. How do you expect me to believe that you’ve completely healed and you’re totally over her?
“Usher, I wanna talk about the convo we had today”
“What convo?” he mumbled while stuffing a big piece of cheese pizza into his mouth.
“You KNOW what convo. The one about Tobie. Listen, I’ve been here before…and to say that her return isn’t affecting me would be lying. I don’t wanna go through what I went through with TG again. If you still have any feelings for her… or if you even think that you MIGHT consider her offer, I’d much rather we end our relationship NOW on a good note…and just be friends so you can get your thoughts together and I don’t end up hurt more down the line.”
Silence.
The smacking became louder and louder as he chewed his pizza. I wanted him to say something. I wanted him to reassure me. Tell me that he didn’t want her…he wanted me. I wanted him to hug me and kiss me and look me in the eye and tell me that he loved me.
But he just chewed and chewed.
I looked at my own plate… I barely even touched my food. How could I eat at a time like this. My stomach was doing flips.
“Sway…didn’t I tell you that I wasn’t gonna leave you? We can’t go through this every time I metion her damn name. It wasn’t like I said I wanted her back. I mean, damn Sway. You really worried about that ain’t you?”
“Yeah. I am.”
I really am.
I tried to let it go because I realized that no matter what I did, or said...only time will reveal the real truth. If he's gonna leave, nothing I say will make him stay (or leave earlier). If he's gonna stay, nothing she says will make him leave. But my talking about it won't really change anything. I guess I have only two options: stay and see what happens...or leave and never know.
I opted to run on...and see what the end is gonna be.
But I still don't know how to take his attitude about all of this. Is he really done with her? Is it a front to hide his true feelings? Is he trying to figure out what he wants to do? Is he waiting for her to get clean and come down before making a decision? Is he really into me now and realizes that what we have is worth holding on to?
Maybe he’s like me. He may still love her, but what she did to him was inexcusable… sort of like TG and I. Maybe even though he might still love her, he can never go back. Nothing would be the same and he's better off with someone he can trust.
Or maybe he's like TG... thinking that he's over her, starting a new relationship and realizing down the line that he still has feelings so strong that he feels compelled to go back.
It could go either way. I want to run as far away from him as I can. I want to break up with him and find someone else so that I don't get my heart broken anymore than it is.
But is it fair to punish him for what TG did to me?
Is it stupid to stay with him with all the warning signs flashing right in front of my eyes?
I guess we'll see. I just know that I can’t get too comfortable with him. I like him a lot, but in the back of my mind, I always wonder if this is gonna be déjà vu.
9:52am
work phone rings
Me: Behavioral Research, Sway speaking.
Usher: Hey Honey…whatchu doin?
Me: Nothin. Just getting ready for this 10am meeting. *looking at the clock*
Usher: oh okay… I just wanted to tell you this real quick. Tobie called me a few minutes ago. *laughing*
Me: *feeling knots* Oh yeah?
Here we go. What the hell does she want now. I hate when she calls. I hate hearing her name. I hate hearing about her. Ugh!
Usher: Yeah. Get this. She calls to tell me that she’s considering going to rehab and wants to know how I feel about my daughter coming to live with me until she gets out.
Me: mmmm...okay...
I tried to say it as casually as I could…but I just felt like something was coming. The knots in my stomach tightened… my hands were shaking. I didn’t know why. They just were. I took a deep breath and continued to listen.
Usher: Yeah… so I told her that ya' know…I’d love for my daughter to come down here, but I gotta make some arrangements, and I’d get back with her on that.
Then she was like… “and yeah, I was thinking that um…once I get out of rehab, I could move down to Atlanta and live with you too and we can try to make it work again?” *laughing hysterically* That woman is crazy! I told her…I got a girlfriend now shawty! That ship has sailed.
Me: *gulping hard* Yeah. *uneasy laugh*
Him: Then she had the nerve to tell me that she misses me and that things haven't been going right since I left. She talkin about she realize that she did me wrong and promises she'll never do it again. She claims that she sees now that I was her protector up there... she done got into 6 fights since I left. She lost 4 and won 2. *gut bursting laughter* Then she was like "how can I make it up to you" And I told her there was nothing she could do. I told her I made the same promise to you that I made to her about never leaving, so that's what she get for doing me wrong and then i hung up on her ass. *still laughing* Well that’s all I wanted to tell you. That shit was fuuuuun-neeeeee! Aight, I gotta go… have a good day honey. I’ll call you later.
Me: uh…alright.
I sat at my desk paralyzed. It was now 9:59…and I couldn’t move.
I had to be at this meeting…but I was visibly shook. My whole body trembled…my heart was beating fast…my legs were wobbly and I felt as if I was about to break into sobs.
Why was I feeling like this. He just told me that he didn’t want his ex. Shouldn’t I be happy?
I managed to find my way to the meeting and sit through the entire thing without letting one tear fall. But I couldn’t concentrate.
An array of emotions surfaced.
I was insecure.
I was scared.
Nervous…
This was all too familiar…
This is exactly how it started with TG last year.
The phone calls from the ex…at first about the kids…then about her wanting him back…then where they went wrong…
Next thing I knew, he was telling me that he had to go back and try it once more…
His kids needed him. He wanted to make his family work. He needed to make his family work and I was left...
we were left.
I tried hard to focus on my meeting. But all I could manage to do was focus on keeping my tears from hitting my cheek. I know everyone noticed. But I couldn't shake this off. I really care about Usher. I really enjoy his company. I really want this to work out for us...and I don’t want Usher to leave.
Not like that anyways. If we don’t work out… I don’t want it to be because I was just a rebound chick he was messing with until he felt he punished his ex enough before going back to her. I don't want it to be because he left me for someone he said he was done with. I don't want it to be because he never intended to stay with me.
I can’t go through this again. Not like this. I just…can’t.
Am I over reacting? He did tell me before that he wasn’t going back to her. And his phone call was to tell me that he wasn’t planning on going back to her now.
But still… the thought of it makes me queasy.
How could I get myself into the same type situation again? Didn’t I learn anything about dating divorced men with children!
He’s gonna leave me…
Watch...he's gonna leave...
He’s gonna freakin leave me for her…I kept hearing a voice repeat over and over again in my head.
It got so uncontrollable that I couldn’t think of anything else all day.
He didn’t give it another thought. The moment it left his mouth he was done. It was over…and he moved on… but me…I couldn’t let it go.
After my meeting I called him and expressed my need to see him that night. I knew he got off late, but I didn’t care. I needed reassurance and I needed it NOW.
“Is everything okay? You okay?” He questioned after hearing the anxiety in my voice.
“Yeah… I just uh… I just need to see you” I lied.
That night I just watched him. He seemed so unmoved by what happened earlier that day. A woman you loved dearly and spent the last 10 years of your life with called you and begged you for another chance and it doesn’t move you?
He’s faking it. It had to touch him. He had to consider it… He’s not in love with me… and although he’s already vowed to never leave me…c’mon…this is someone you share a child with. Someone who you wife'd. Someone you were crazy in love with. How do you expect me to believe that you’ve completely healed and you’re totally over her?
“Usher, I wanna talk about the convo we had today”
“What convo?” he mumbled while stuffing a big piece of cheese pizza into his mouth.
“You KNOW what convo. The one about Tobie. Listen, I’ve been here before…and to say that her return isn’t affecting me would be lying. I don’t wanna go through what I went through with TG again. If you still have any feelings for her… or if you even think that you MIGHT consider her offer, I’d much rather we end our relationship NOW on a good note…and just be friends so you can get your thoughts together and I don’t end up hurt more down the line.”
Silence.
The smacking became louder and louder as he chewed his pizza. I wanted him to say something. I wanted him to reassure me. Tell me that he didn’t want her…he wanted me. I wanted him to hug me and kiss me and look me in the eye and tell me that he loved me.
But he just chewed and chewed.
I looked at my own plate… I barely even touched my food. How could I eat at a time like this. My stomach was doing flips.
“Sway…didn’t I tell you that I wasn’t gonna leave you? We can’t go through this every time I metion her damn name. It wasn’t like I said I wanted her back. I mean, damn Sway. You really worried about that ain’t you?”
“Yeah. I am.”
I really am.
I tried to let it go because I realized that no matter what I did, or said...only time will reveal the real truth. If he's gonna leave, nothing I say will make him stay (or leave earlier). If he's gonna stay, nothing she says will make him leave. But my talking about it won't really change anything. I guess I have only two options: stay and see what happens...or leave and never know.
I opted to run on...and see what the end is gonna be.
But I still don't know how to take his attitude about all of this. Is he really done with her? Is it a front to hide his true feelings? Is he trying to figure out what he wants to do? Is he waiting for her to get clean and come down before making a decision? Is he really into me now and realizes that what we have is worth holding on to?
Maybe he’s like me. He may still love her, but what she did to him was inexcusable… sort of like TG and I. Maybe even though he might still love her, he can never go back. Nothing would be the same and he's better off with someone he can trust.
Or maybe he's like TG... thinking that he's over her, starting a new relationship and realizing down the line that he still has feelings so strong that he feels compelled to go back.
It could go either way. I want to run as far away from him as I can. I want to break up with him and find someone else so that I don't get my heart broken anymore than it is.
But is it fair to punish him for what TG did to me?
Is it stupid to stay with him with all the warning signs flashing right in front of my eyes?
I guess we'll see. I just know that I can’t get too comfortable with him. I like him a lot, but in the back of my mind, I always wonder if this is gonna be déjà vu.
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