What do we have here?
Around 1 am this morning, I was going through my usual routine of preparing for bed and out of NOWHERE my mind was like....
Perfect Chaos
I hop on the bed, get out my phone and typed in all that I could remember to see if my old blog was still around.
SUCCESS!
For the next hour and a half, I scrolled through the last 10 years of posts, wondering where the time went. I had several Aha! moments during that time.
1. I seem to be averaging a comeback every 3 years. *SMH* I don't know why its so hard for me to remember this space. I love what I have here. I realize how much I haven't recorded that I would have liked to, but I am also grateful to have memories and accounts of other random things.
2. Something else I realized
First off, I wanna say SORRY! lol I'm a horrible blogger! A part of why I stayed up so long reading was because I wanted to go through your comments. Thank you all for the encouraging words and dedication to my journey! I guess it is better late than never! I am hoping that I can remember before 2021 that I have a blog and start back writing more than I have been.
Do I say that every time? lol
My bad. I do have good intentions. I just genuinely forget that I'm a blogger for days...weeks months...years...
But I always come back. :) Hopefully you all are still here. :)
3. I tend to remember my blog around this time of year. I read a lot of posts referencing my Dad's birthday, which is actually next week. *shrug* Maybe this old noggin is not so random after all. Speaking of my dad, this birthday is extremely special because he is about 4 months CANCER FREE! What a strong, beautiful man he is! I so proud of him and how he fought through fatigue and pain, while still working and teaching Sunday School at his Church. That man is definitely a blessing to me. His life is a testimony of how faithful God is and how to go through life's adversities like a BOSS!
4. I am such a scatterbrain! lol I'm also not that great at proofreading. *smh* I could hardly concentrate because I kept saying to myself, "that is spelled wrong" and "what was I trying to say here?" lol I admit, I just get on, type, and hit post. I rarely proofread anything. Ya'll were probably like, "this poor girl can't type for sh*t!" lol
Anyways... I'm glad to be back.
Usher and I are still married. It will be 7 years in September. Can you believe it? We over here living well and thriving and ish! I realize how blessed I am that it all worked out. I look back on our journey and am amazed at how different our relationship is now.
I realize now that I met Usher fresh off a broken engagement....and he was fresh off of a divorce. We were each looking for something different. I wanted to get married after being so close. He wanted to play around after being married for 10 years FRESH outta high school. Despite our differences, but both found ourselves in something that neither of us were quite happy about. Years later he confessed that he knew he wasn't ready for commitment and marriage after being hurt the way he was by his first divorce, but didn't want to let me go because he knew I was a rare find *not to toot my own horn, but "toot" lol*
I told him that was selfish of him to string me along for so many years. But I was dealing with my own insecurities and fears. After being left with no explanation really, I just wanted someone to stay. I just wanted to be chosen and kept....even though it wasn't the relationship I felt I deserved. We were co-dependent and dysfunctional for many years. It took me a long time to realize it.
I had a heart to heart with him when I turned 30. I had given him 5 years of my life and I was finally ready to say "Sh*t or get off the pot". I loved him with everything I am, but something about 30 made me want to get my entire life together. I told him how I felt. I told him that I felt like he used me financially. I didn't think he loved me. I felt like we were both settling because we were both hurt by someone leaving us. I told him that I can't love him for the both of us. I told him that if he doesn't show me the love I feel I deserve, then we should move on.
After 5 years of dilly dallying. He realized that I was right. He admitted he took advantage of my kindness initially. He admitted his hate for women after what his ex did. He admitted he was afraid to go all in, so he kept sabotaging this relationship. For the first time, we had an open and honest conversation about a lot of things.
He said that I was wrong about his love though. He loved me. He didn't want to break up. He wanted to take things to the next level and move in together. He wanted the opportunity to show me that he can be a provider and protector. He wanted a do-over.
I gave it to him.
It's amazing how different a man can be when he's all in.
Now, we're in our 7th year of marriage...13 years together. Of course we are still who we are. Yin and Yang. Not everyday is perfect. We still have fundamental differences that we argue about, but when I say this thing did not work out the way it was supposed to and I am so BLESSED it didn't! We were NOT supposed to work. But we do. We are perfect for each other. I've grown so much with him and he's grown so much with me.
He got his grown man on and I love it!
Ain't no jumping from odd job to odd job BIH! He got a good job with life insurance and a 401K!
Ain't no putting his boys before me BIH! He's home chilling with me...enjoying the good life we've built!
Ain't no laziness BIH! He cutting grass and fixing floors!
Ain't no taking advantage of his lady BIH! He bought me a brand new Benz and is helping me pay off my student loans!
When I say this man has changed his tune and put his money where his mouth is! I am extremely pleased with his progress and his dedication.
Does he still do dumb ish? Yep. lol
Does he need to work on his romance? Fa' Sho!
Will I prolly be back on here venting about what he did? No doubt!
But I am a living witness that prayer changes PEOPLE and things. The good far outweigh the bad in our marriage and I have no one but GOD to praise for that.
Sorry this whole post was about Usher. lol
I do have other things going on... but they'll have to wait. I gotta finish up some work. I think I'm going to do something different this time around. I'm going to send myself a reminder on my calendar to come back next week and write. Let's see if that works! lol
Until then....
ps. I didn't proofread this either so sorry for any typos!
