MJ

Like so many people, I was one of millions who sat in front of the TV and radio in disbelief yesterday evening. I couldn't believe that MJ passed away. Usher called me around 6:25 ish to tell me to turn to CNN. I almost didn't because I was rushing to choir and dance rehearsals. As I clicked my remote, a wave of shock came over me as I watched them tell me that everyone's favorite entertainer was dead.

It affected me deeply. I rushed to my car and sped to my rehearsals while listening to all the people on the radio talk about how deeply it affect them too. MJ had that kind of effect. His music spoke to the masses.

I remember a few years back one of the stations did a tribute to Michael and my dad and I were watching it. We were watching how people were falling out and crying at his concerts. They loooooved some Michael. My dad turned to me and said, "I wonder how crazy things would be when Michael dies. These people are cutting up over his hat, his socks, his voice....what would happen when he finally goes?"
We didn't know that the day would come so fast.

I felt kinda crazy for crying the way I did yesterday. I mean, I don't personally know him, yet I'm really broken up about it. Shocked by it. It's not as if he was going to live forever, it's just....death is so sudden and final. Waking up and having no clue that today will be your last day on earth. It's an awful awful thing. I just pray for his soul and his family. He will definitely be missed.

All of this death has really made me appreciate each and every day God allows me to see and complete. What a blessing it is to be alive. Oftentimes we get so consumed in our everyday problems that we forget that being alive to have problems is a blessing. I vow to take time each day to appreciate my life and view it as another blessing that the Lord has given me.

Tuesday News

HURTING
Ouch! My arms are aching like nobody's business. I just started back working out because I'm gaining weight again. :( I hate gaining weight. Every time my clothes start snugging up on me, I get depressed and eat more. Then of course I find myself in a vicious cycle of weight gain, depression and over eating. ENOUGH! I got my big booty off the couch yesterday and blasted some music. I was doing a lot of lunges and arm weight stuff yesterday. I definitely feel it in my thighs and arms. I realized that I am definitely out of shape. I was dancing to some of my favorite songs and was very winded by the time they went off. I gotta fix that PRONTO because I just joined the Dance Ministry at Church. I haven't danced in like what... 4 years?? I'm a little nervous about my stamina. At least I'm working on it though.


CELEBRATING
So last Friday Usher and I went to his parent's house to celebrate Father's day a little early. As usual, his parents greeted me as I tried my best to keep my distance from Cody, the family wolf dog. Given my many dreams about being bitten on the hand....you can say that I'm really not too fond of dogs any more. Dinner was great. Usher's sister, Stacey and her boyfriend, Earl brought some takeout from JJ's rib shack and it was slammin! After dinner, I helped the ladies clean up while Usher and his dad went out to play with Cody. Earl looked out the kitchen window as Cody bit Usher on his hand. Uh-huh. I knew that big azz fox dog bite. Last time we were over there Usher gonna bring the dog up to me and tell me to give me his hand so he can show me that the dog wouldn't bite me.
Me: He got teeth?
Usher: yeah...but..
Me: Then he bites. I'm not giving you my hand.
Usher: Come on Sway, trust me. This will help you get over your fear of dogs! Don't you trust me?
Me: I trust you babe. It's dogs I don't trust.

And for good reason too. I exchanged a knowing glance at Usher when he came in the house talking about, "I can't believe Cody BIT me!"

Anywho...the rest of the night was marked by a few games of Dominos and gift giving all while watching Harlem Nights. By the time we left, I was too tired! But on Saturday, I was up bright and early with my mom doing more Father's day shopping for my dad.
We ended up buying him 3 suits (with shirts and ties) and some cologne. Needless to say, he had a great Father's day.

ANTICIPATING
So my birthday is about a month away and already, I'm making plans. My parents and I are supposed to be going to our favorite east coast beach the week before my birthday. Coincidentally, this is the same week Usher's daughter will be in town to visit. I've asked them to come along so I can have all of my "family" with me that week. He wants to go, and told me he'd get back with me by weeks end to say yea or nay depending on if he thinks he can come up with the money for a trip like that. Hopefully he can cuz I really would like for them to go too.

My birthday weekend will be spent with friends. We're going to some cabins in North Carolina to just chill out, have a few mixed drinks...hike maybe...do some girl talking and just enjoying each other's company. I'm excited be able to spend the weekend with all my girls since a couple live out of state, but are meeting us there. It's going to either be a GREAT weekend...or something straight out of a scary movie. 6 girls alone in a cabin.... uh... let's hope for the best. :)

Chit Chat

TIMING
As soon as I got into my comfy bed and pulled the covers over me, my alarm clock went off and I realized I was dreaming.
It's weird to dream about going to sleep a minute before your alarm goes off. Talk about waking up with an attitude. I was all like...Man, really??

Apparently I was feeling tired in my dream and was excited about hitting the sheets...only to find that in reality, my day was just beginning.

Such is my life. My timing is always off. That's one of those things I have to work on.


IDOLING
Today is the first day of registration for American Id.ol. I've been going back and forth in my mind about going. I ran it by Usher and he was all for it. I ran it by my parents and they thought I was joking.

Mom: Yeah okay... and I'll take off work and do the first shift of waiting for ya. *wink*

She's never liked AI. My mom is one of those super religious folks that don't listen to anything but Gospel. The fact that AI contestants sing secular songs has caused her to frequently tell me how she doesn't think Christians should go on the show. *eye roll*

Even after that, I still thought alot about it. This would be my last year to try out. But for real, how am I gonna take off for 3 days??? Before I knew it, today was here and I found myself sitting here at my desk instead of having the kahunas and drive to go see what I can make happen.

Watch next year I'm going to really wanna go and be too old for the show. :(

STALKING
So I never did find Mr. Moore on facebook. :(
I looked everywhere. Maybe he's too busy for all that. I guess it was for the best. I would have hate to see what I would have been compelled to do if I found him. I'd probably be on his page everyday soaking up all the information I could find. I guess it may be time to officially give up my crush on him. I never see him anymore and I don't know where to begin looking...so I'm kinda left high and dry. I need a new crush. It's sad that I haven't found anyone worth looking at lately. Either I'm becoming too picky, or I'm not getting out enough. Probably the latter. I have to work on that too.

OVER-REACTING?
Usher and I have a bad habit of dreaming out loud. We were watching Pursuit of Happyness again on TV Saturday and started talking about what we'd do if we had a happy ending like that. I said, "You know, you're life story would be pretty good. Who would you get to play you?"
So we're talking about that and of course he throws out Boris Kod.joe, Terre.nce H.oward, Will Smi.th...you know all these buff-type pretty guys.
Then he says "I think Keys.hia Cole, San.aa Latha.n or Laur.en L.ondon could play my ex wife."
So I'm like cool.
"And for you Sway....uh maybe Jen.nifer Hu.dson."

HUH???

Maybe I over-reacted but I was NOT pleased that he just compared his ex to San.aa Latha.n and me to Je.nnifer Hu.dson. My entire mood changed.

Do I look like Jenni.fer Hudso.n??
Not that she's unattractive...but I just don't see me looking anything like her. Does he think I look like her? Really?
I totally didn't want to play anymore. :(

When love comes around...

...it definitely does knock you down!

Ahh that Ke.ri. She sure knows how to write a song. I remember when we were kids in the M to M program (did anyone else have that?) at Henderson Mill Elementary school. She and her 2 sisters would get on about 3 stops after mine. We had assigned seats on the bus and Ke.ri and some girl named Chi-Chi sat behind me. Every morning I'd put my head on the window and try to sleep until the bumpy ride caused my head to hit the metal part of the window and I'd wake up. All the while, Ke.ri and Chi-Chi would be chatting about the lyrics to whatever song they were trying to write. In the afternoons, they'd actually sing it.

May I just say that their song was the most ridiculous crap I've ever heard! lol It was so silly that I still remember parts of it. But that was years ago! Now... I'm definitely seeing how far a dream, persistence, practice, and patience can go.

I'm amazed at how far she's come. We went to Elementary, High School and College together. The whole while, she followed her dream...kept on trying...kept on pushing. I'm proud of her. This is something she's been doing forever...and to finally have the recognition she deserves is great.

I've been thinking alot about that lately. I've known soooo many stars before they were stars. You would believe who I've lived by, worked with, went to school with, Church with. I've seen it happen for a lot of folks and it got me to thinking....

Why have I never tried to pursue my calling?

From a young age I've been told that I have a wonderful gift. I've been called a songstress....a psalmist...a girl with the voice of an angel. Yet, I don't see it.

Okay, sure I know that I'm pretty good at it. But there are sooooo many great singers out there. Everyone knows someone that can sing. To me, it's a dime a dozen. What's so great about me or my voice?

These thoughts, along with my natural disposition to run like hell away from the spotlight, has caused me to not even try to pursue a singing career.

As I think about my life and how long I've been singing, how many opportunities that have presented itself, how many times I could have pushed a little harder, I began to realize how afraid I am to fail.

Being good at something makes me feel wonderful. Singing is the one thing I've always had. It's the one thing that has brought me comfort when everything else is wrong, is gone, is criticized, changed...etc.
What would happen if the world didn't like my voice as much as my Church members and school mates....and family?
That would crush me.
I realized that the reason I won't try is because I'm not strong enough to hear that my best isn't good enough.

Maybe that's my problem.

Fear will get you nowhere and that's exactly where I've been going.
Maybe it's time for me to at least try. Would hate to watch my life pass me by without at least trying to see where my gift would make room for me. If I fail, then at least I tried. But not trying is the real crime. Especially after seeing so many success stories around me. I gotta get motivated.

I may just try out for American Idol this year. lol

Quicksand

My alarm went off way too early this morning.

As I groaned and pulled myself out of the comfort of my bed, I realized how bad I need a vacation.

You ever have that dreadful feeling that you've somehow managed to get yourself stuck in quicksand?

Well that's me. For the last year or so. The more I try to make things happen and will positive things to come my way, the more feel like I'm sinking in muck and heaviness that is quicksand.

I was watching TV earlier this week and someone said something like: There is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel. I just don't know if it's a rainbow or a train!

I'm totally feeling that. I have no idea whether this light I see in the distance is for my benefit or demise. I've been pushing toward this imaginary day when I'm finally where I want to be. Hope forces me to keep pushing...looking for the slightest breather...the smallest indication of progress. Yet when I seem to get closer, I find it only to be a floating mirage.

Sometimes I do wonder if this light I'm heading towards is a train wreck waiting to happen. I'm wondering if my struggle to make it out is only succeeding in sinking me faster. Am I actually running towards my failure?

I dunno. I'm to crazily optimistic to actually believe that. I always feel that things are going to get better. I guess I feel a little deflated because it's taking a rather long time to do so.

Plus the more I want things to change, the less they seem to. The more effort I put into it, the less results I see.

I feel like the person flailing their arms and legs around in an attempt to stay afloat, but only managing to speedily drown. If only they wouldn't have panicked...

if only they tried floating...

Maybe I'm doing too much. Trying too hard. Wanting things too bad. Maybe I should chill out and float. Maybe then, I'll have a fighting chance to be rescued from my quicksand.