Ooooooooooh I am so ITCHY!!!!!
I scratched my arms until they turned red and whipped up. I've applied my aloe vera gel... cold water....ice. Nothing is working!
It's the sunscreen lotion.
I know it is.
I hate that I have such sensitive skin. This weekend Usher and I went to look at cars. I swear we were only outside for about 15 minutes. 20 max. It was nice out, so of course I was sleeveless. I sometimes forget how easily my skin burns. By the time i got home that night, the tiny itchy burning bumps I've become so familiar with, made thier appearance. Dang... it wasn't even THAT hot Saturday.
I put a little gold bond powder on my arms and called it a night. Since the weather on Sunday was cool, I figured my small time in the sun couldn't have done so much damage that my bumps would stay. I was wrong.
Luckily, monday and tuesday, I didn't have too many problems out of them. They were there, but they weren't itching or burning. Instead of leaving them alone, my crazy behind figured it would be a good idea to put sunscreen on my arms to ensure no more damage would occur.
Yeah so I made things worse. Apparently, i'm allergic to suncreen too. I should have known this because everytime i put it on, it burns...but I always figured it was because my skin was already irritated. But this time, I realize it's just as much the sunscreen as it is the sun. Before then, I was fine. Now I'm super itchy... i mean my arms are burning. I'm uncomfortable and cranky. I really wanna scream. I can no longer scratch because I've made my arms blood red and added whips to the massive tiny bumps. My arms are jacked up!! I sooooooo wanna go home and jump in a pool of cold water. How can I work like this!! Ugh!
I really hope this goes away soon. :(
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
I ain't talkin 'bout nothin
Hey ya'll. *smacking on some gum*
You ever feel like you have nothing to talk about, but still feel like posting something? Okay that's where I am today. I am sooooo not in the working mood, and fortunately for me, my work load is light. So I figured it would be a great time to just chit chat a little. Don't try to make since out of any of it cuz you'll probably make your head hurt.
Anyways... I'm sitting here listening to one of my favorite songs. When I say favorite, I mean until my new favorite comes out. And of course this has nothing to do with my favorite of all times, although if I don't get sick of it by the time it gets old, it may make it on my all time list, but that rarely happens. Aaaanywho... I love me some Falsetto. You know what... I love mostly all of the songs The Dream sings. He could sooooooo get the business. And I really don't even know how he looks. I never really paid attention to him like that. When his songs come on, I just close my eyes and let him work his magic. I don't know why I like his songs but I do. I mean his lyrics are suggestive and sometimes downright raunchy, but I guess it's true what they say, "It's not what you say, but how you say it". Delivery is everything. I'm in the office right now doing my cute chair dance and trying not to get too crunk. Fridays are my official crunk days. I'd straight stand up in the hallways and drop on 'em. And if they look at me crazy I'd just say Hey, it's friday, I can do that. But today is thursday, so I'll just sit and do my little hip wiggle. It'll work.
And speaking of songs, why can't I get this freakin crazy song out my head! Not falsetto, but this other ghetto one that they play on the radio everytime I get in my car after work. I would put money on them playing it in the 10 min it takes me to get from the Park & Ride to my house. Everyday! I hate this freakin song, yet I find myself unconsciously singing it sometimes.
Do you know how incredibly embarassing it is to burst out with "That baby don't look like me!" and then realize what you just said? It's a mess.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So my friend called me yesterday to ask me what I'll be cooking for our other friends baby shower. This is the 5th baby shower I've had to cook for this year....and it's only April. What is in the water down here? Why is everyone preggers? I'm gonna need everyone to take a step back from each other, get on some birth control and let a sista save some money! I'm tiiiiiide! Buying presents, making food, playing the games, going to the hospital.... I need a breather. Can everybody just stop with the chilluns for a while please? Thanks! I mean Sway loves the kids but dang... let's try to coordinate this a little better. I'll make a calendar and ya'll can sign up for when ya'll want to have some chirren. K? K.
Oh and speaking of the pregnant friend whom we're having the shower for, this is the same one that just got married in Sept of last year. I'm still not caught up with all the money I spent for the wedding. Anywho... her name is DG. Now, we've known each other for about 13 years. We didn't become friends though until maybe 6 years ago. But during that time, we really got close. I considered her one of my best friends. My mom had always told me that DG was some-timey and haughty. I never noticed it until after she got engaged. She started changing a bit. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. I know how hectic planning a wedding can be and her life was changing fast. I figured her new stand-offish, quiet aura was attributed to her being so preoccupied with that. Then the wedding came and went. She was still acting brand new. It was no more hugs and fun chats, no calls or emails. She even "forgot" to initially invite me to her birthday party. I didn't realize this until our other friend (mentioned above) told me. I was like....okay heffa. The only time she speaks now is if she needs something. Like now, she's saying hello when she sees me because she wants me to buy her baby a present.
I will because it's not the baby's fault, but dang why are people like that?
Anyways...talking about her just ruined my whole crunk vibe. I stopped chair dancing and everything.
Lemme go find "I luv your girl" and get my groove back. Later!
You ever feel like you have nothing to talk about, but still feel like posting something? Okay that's where I am today. I am sooooo not in the working mood, and fortunately for me, my work load is light. So I figured it would be a great time to just chit chat a little. Don't try to make since out of any of it cuz you'll probably make your head hurt.
Anyways... I'm sitting here listening to one of my favorite songs. When I say favorite, I mean until my new favorite comes out. And of course this has nothing to do with my favorite of all times, although if I don't get sick of it by the time it gets old, it may make it on my all time list, but that rarely happens. Aaaanywho... I love me some Falsetto. You know what... I love mostly all of the songs The Dream sings. He could sooooooo get the business. And I really don't even know how he looks. I never really paid attention to him like that. When his songs come on, I just close my eyes and let him work his magic. I don't know why I like his songs but I do. I mean his lyrics are suggestive and sometimes downright raunchy, but I guess it's true what they say, "It's not what you say, but how you say it". Delivery is everything. I'm in the office right now doing my cute chair dance and trying not to get too crunk. Fridays are my official crunk days. I'd straight stand up in the hallways and drop on 'em. And if they look at me crazy I'd just say Hey, it's friday, I can do that. But today is thursday, so I'll just sit and do my little hip wiggle. It'll work.
And speaking of songs, why can't I get this freakin crazy song out my head! Not falsetto, but this other ghetto one that they play on the radio everytime I get in my car after work. I would put money on them playing it in the 10 min it takes me to get from the Park & Ride to my house. Everyday! I hate this freakin song, yet I find myself unconsciously singing it sometimes.
Do you know how incredibly embarassing it is to burst out with "That baby don't look like me!" and then realize what you just said? It's a mess.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So my friend called me yesterday to ask me what I'll be cooking for our other friends baby shower. This is the 5th baby shower I've had to cook for this year....and it's only April. What is in the water down here? Why is everyone preggers? I'm gonna need everyone to take a step back from each other, get on some birth control and let a sista save some money! I'm tiiiiiide! Buying presents, making food, playing the games, going to the hospital.... I need a breather. Can everybody just stop with the chilluns for a while please? Thanks! I mean Sway loves the kids but dang... let's try to coordinate this a little better. I'll make a calendar and ya'll can sign up for when ya'll want to have some chirren. K? K.
Oh and speaking of the pregnant friend whom we're having the shower for, this is the same one that just got married in Sept of last year. I'm still not caught up with all the money I spent for the wedding. Anywho... her name is DG. Now, we've known each other for about 13 years. We didn't become friends though until maybe 6 years ago. But during that time, we really got close. I considered her one of my best friends. My mom had always told me that DG was some-timey and haughty. I never noticed it until after she got engaged. She started changing a bit. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. I know how hectic planning a wedding can be and her life was changing fast. I figured her new stand-offish, quiet aura was attributed to her being so preoccupied with that. Then the wedding came and went. She was still acting brand new. It was no more hugs and fun chats, no calls or emails. She even "forgot" to initially invite me to her birthday party. I didn't realize this until our other friend (mentioned above) told me. I was like....okay heffa. The only time she speaks now is if she needs something. Like now, she's saying hello when she sees me because she wants me to buy her baby a present.
I will because it's not the baby's fault, but dang why are people like that?
Anyways...talking about her just ruined my whole crunk vibe. I stopped chair dancing and everything.
Lemme go find "I luv your girl" and get my groove back. Later!
Monday, April 21, 2008
Monday
Goooooooooood Morning! *sipping on some sugar with a little coffee in it*
It's about 9 am and I've already walked a 1/2 mile, balanced my transactions online, took a nap, ate, found out that it was national take off work day at my job (or so it seems), looked at a few of my favorite sites, updated my personal calendar and checked all my messages and emails. Whew! I guess vitamins do work. My mom has been telling me for about 5 years to take them, but I'm stubborn. It's not that I didn't want to, it's just...i dunno. I'm lazy and I forget. *shrug* But I'm now sold. I'm super crunk this morning and I must contribuite it to my vitamins! I guess the coffee helped too. :)
Anywho, *taking a small sip of water*. Nothing much to report here in the land of Sway. I've embraced my ghetto-ness alot more lately. I made my own pillowtop mattress by stuffing a bunch of pillows between my mattress and a foam topping. *smh*It actually makes that old mattress tolerable. It'll last me until I can afford to buy a new one. My parents still aren't used to the pillowtop set I gave them. My mom complains that it's too soft.
" Girl, how could you sleep on that. It's like you just sinking into the mattress."
Oh how I miss that!
She's gotten a little more used to it, but I don't think it's for everyone. She probably needs something a little more firm. That's good. At least I know I won't have a problem getting my mattress back when I move again. lol
My friend of 20 years hit me up this weekend to sucker, err... i mean ask me to come to her debut Mary Kay (MK) party. I knew that meant she wanted me to buy something. Since she's 8 months pregnant and have been having a pretty rough financial time, I felt guilty not getting SOMETHING. But the truth is... I don't really like MK stuff. I know about 3094839843.47 consultants and they all want me to buy stuff from them. The only thing I did like from MK was this body mist that they have discontinued. But never the less, I felt I should support her. I ended up buying the hand cream/exfoliant/moisterizer stuff. It was the only thing I was kinda impressed with during the whole "testing the products" spill. Since it was her birthday as well, we ate and sat around and chatted for a few hours after the other MK consultant left. After a while my right hand started itching really badly. I absentmindedly scratched at it, but it continued to itch. Even burned a little. I looked down at my hand and noticed that the entire back side of my hand was fire red, and tiny bumps filled its surface.
Man! Apparently I'm allergic to something we tested on our hands. I go to the restroom to wash my hands in hopes that it would cool the burning and stop the reaction. The cool water felt good to my hands. But once I finished, it still burned. I ended up wrapping a cold damp cloth across my hand like a bandage and eventually the itching and burning subsided. I hate MK. Hopefully it wasn't the hand cream that caused the reaction since I've already put in my order for that.
I spent the night at Usher's that night. It's good to be on the same side of town as everyone again. He lives about 15 min away from me, and 9 min away from my friend of 20 years.
Like an old couple, we spent our night watching movies, rubbing each others hair and arms, and exchanging riddles. I skipped Church again. I know this isn't good, especially because I don't feel bad about it. All the more reason why my tail need to find a good Church home.
It felt good to sleep in though. It felt even better to not be at my parents' house. For a minute, it felt like old times. I love sleeping with Usher. He's one of those people who like to continuously touch during the night. Not cuddle per se...because when you're really trying to get some sleep, the LAST thing you wanna do is cuddle. But he'll hold my hand, or put his foot or arm across mine, or put his back to mine. As long as we're touching in some way throughout the night...he's fine. I kind of like it. It's a constant reminder that someone is there. I'm sure he's not that fond of sleeping with me though. I snore. lol
We woke up around noon and I immediately hogged the bathroom. It takes me a lot longer to primp, so I had to get started. I got tickets from a co-worker to Tyler Perry's play, The Marriage Counselor and asked Usher if he wanted to go. It was something we don't do much, so I figured it would be a nice change from our usual dinner dates. We got to the FOX Theatre in enough time to scout out the cheapest but closest parking spaces and settled on a lot that was about $8.00. That was so much better than the $20 we were about to pay.
He walks around to my side of the car and I get a really good look at him. His stunner shades, bling, and fresh hair cut complimented his cream linen shirt and dark slacks, which he fills out quite nicely. I've always liked his build. I like that he towers over me so large and assured. It makes me feel so small and dainty. So girly and protected. Usher looked really nice and I made sure I told him so.
"You usually look like a rapper. Today...you're definitely giving me the R&B vibe." I joked.
The play was good. I could tell Usher was a little restless during the singing parts. Not that the people couldn't sing...it's just that he gets bored quickly. During the intermissions, he was the first one on his feet asking me if I wanted anything from the concession stand. I could tell he needed something to do. He spent $43 on junk food there. He's crazy! lol
The rest of the day went okay. I kinda messed up our chill vibe because I needed to get some things off my chest. Of course it was about finances. I swear he and my mother are two of a kind. I was hoping he didn't take the things I said to him the wrong way, but it needed to be said. He was a good sport about it, but at times the conversation got a little emotional for us both. I had to tell him how I felt about what I mentioned in my last post. I was really hurt about him borrowing money and paying everything and everyone else off/back but me. We talked about it, I explained my side. He explained his. We ended the convo with a big hug. No love was lost.
Sometimes I have bad timing. I probably should have saved the convo for another day. I hate spending the last few hours like that instead of curled up on the couch eating ice cream. Nevertheless, it needed to be said, and I feel a big weight lifted now that he knows what was going on inside.
Well It's now 10:30. I've manage to stop a billion times during this post to chat it up with the few co-workers that did decide to come on in. Hopefully you've noticed that in all the things I've done, WORK was not mentioned. I guess now is as good a time as any to start on some though. I pray that this week goes smoothly! Happy Monday!
It's about 9 am and I've already walked a 1/2 mile, balanced my transactions online, took a nap, ate, found out that it was national take off work day at my job (or so it seems), looked at a few of my favorite sites, updated my personal calendar and checked all my messages and emails. Whew! I guess vitamins do work. My mom has been telling me for about 5 years to take them, but I'm stubborn. It's not that I didn't want to, it's just...i dunno. I'm lazy and I forget. *shrug* But I'm now sold. I'm super crunk this morning and I must contribuite it to my vitamins! I guess the coffee helped too. :)
Anywho, *taking a small sip of water*. Nothing much to report here in the land of Sway. I've embraced my ghetto-ness alot more lately. I made my own pillowtop mattress by stuffing a bunch of pillows between my mattress and a foam topping. *smh*It actually makes that old mattress tolerable. It'll last me until I can afford to buy a new one. My parents still aren't used to the pillowtop set I gave them. My mom complains that it's too soft.
" Girl, how could you sleep on that. It's like you just sinking into the mattress."
Oh how I miss that!
She's gotten a little more used to it, but I don't think it's for everyone. She probably needs something a little more firm. That's good. At least I know I won't have a problem getting my mattress back when I move again. lol
My friend of 20 years hit me up this weekend to sucker, err... i mean ask me to come to her debut Mary Kay (MK) party. I knew that meant she wanted me to buy something. Since she's 8 months pregnant and have been having a pretty rough financial time, I felt guilty not getting SOMETHING. But the truth is... I don't really like MK stuff. I know about 3094839843.47 consultants and they all want me to buy stuff from them. The only thing I did like from MK was this body mist that they have discontinued. But never the less, I felt I should support her. I ended up buying the hand cream/exfoliant/moisterizer stuff. It was the only thing I was kinda impressed with during the whole "testing the products" spill. Since it was her birthday as well, we ate and sat around and chatted for a few hours after the other MK consultant left. After a while my right hand started itching really badly. I absentmindedly scratched at it, but it continued to itch. Even burned a little. I looked down at my hand and noticed that the entire back side of my hand was fire red, and tiny bumps filled its surface.
Man! Apparently I'm allergic to something we tested on our hands. I go to the restroom to wash my hands in hopes that it would cool the burning and stop the reaction. The cool water felt good to my hands. But once I finished, it still burned. I ended up wrapping a cold damp cloth across my hand like a bandage and eventually the itching and burning subsided. I hate MK. Hopefully it wasn't the hand cream that caused the reaction since I've already put in my order for that.
I spent the night at Usher's that night. It's good to be on the same side of town as everyone again. He lives about 15 min away from me, and 9 min away from my friend of 20 years.
Like an old couple, we spent our night watching movies, rubbing each others hair and arms, and exchanging riddles. I skipped Church again. I know this isn't good, especially because I don't feel bad about it. All the more reason why my tail need to find a good Church home.
It felt good to sleep in though. It felt even better to not be at my parents' house. For a minute, it felt like old times. I love sleeping with Usher. He's one of those people who like to continuously touch during the night. Not cuddle per se...because when you're really trying to get some sleep, the LAST thing you wanna do is cuddle. But he'll hold my hand, or put his foot or arm across mine, or put his back to mine. As long as we're touching in some way throughout the night...he's fine. I kind of like it. It's a constant reminder that someone is there. I'm sure he's not that fond of sleeping with me though. I snore. lol
We woke up around noon and I immediately hogged the bathroom. It takes me a lot longer to primp, so I had to get started. I got tickets from a co-worker to Tyler Perry's play, The Marriage Counselor and asked Usher if he wanted to go. It was something we don't do much, so I figured it would be a nice change from our usual dinner dates. We got to the FOX Theatre in enough time to scout out the cheapest but closest parking spaces and settled on a lot that was about $8.00. That was so much better than the $20 we were about to pay.
He walks around to my side of the car and I get a really good look at him. His stunner shades, bling, and fresh hair cut complimented his cream linen shirt and dark slacks, which he fills out quite nicely. I've always liked his build. I like that he towers over me so large and assured. It makes me feel so small and dainty. So girly and protected. Usher looked really nice and I made sure I told him so.
"You usually look like a rapper. Today...you're definitely giving me the R&B vibe." I joked.
The play was good. I could tell Usher was a little restless during the singing parts. Not that the people couldn't sing...it's just that he gets bored quickly. During the intermissions, he was the first one on his feet asking me if I wanted anything from the concession stand. I could tell he needed something to do. He spent $43 on junk food there. He's crazy! lol
The rest of the day went okay. I kinda messed up our chill vibe because I needed to get some things off my chest. Of course it was about finances. I swear he and my mother are two of a kind. I was hoping he didn't take the things I said to him the wrong way, but it needed to be said. He was a good sport about it, but at times the conversation got a little emotional for us both. I had to tell him how I felt about what I mentioned in my last post. I was really hurt about him borrowing money and paying everything and everyone else off/back but me. We talked about it, I explained my side. He explained his. We ended the convo with a big hug. No love was lost.
Sometimes I have bad timing. I probably should have saved the convo for another day. I hate spending the last few hours like that instead of curled up on the couch eating ice cream. Nevertheless, it needed to be said, and I feel a big weight lifted now that he knows what was going on inside.
Well It's now 10:30. I've manage to stop a billion times during this post to chat it up with the few co-workers that did decide to come on in. Hopefully you've noticed that in all the things I've done, WORK was not mentioned. I guess now is as good a time as any to start on some though. I pray that this week goes smoothly! Happy Monday!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Preaching to the choir
I’ve always been told that I’m a great listener. I used to think of it as a compliment. Now, I just think that’s what folks say when they see me getting frustrated because they are dominating what was supposed to be a conversation, but has somehow turned into them venting and me just listening. I had a friend ask me once why I was so quiet. My reply was simply, “because you keep talking”. She didn’t understand that for some reason. I was always taught not to inturrupt people. I know I hate it when people do it to me so I try my best to wait until people finish speaking before I start. Apparently this was not a common lesson. Well at least it wasn’t for the folks I encounter. So here I am, stuck listening to someone go on and on and on.
I guess that’s why I started blogging. To get things off my chest that I’d never have a chance to vent about in real life because someone else is always venting instead.
Over the years, I’ve embraced my demure status and listened to those around me talk about any and everything. But what I find completely intriguing is the fact that some people get so caught up and comfortable in talking to me that they forget that they are talking to ME! What I mean by that is… people complain to me about something someone else did to them, and totally forget that they themselves have actually done the same thing to me. And they don’t even realize it. In my mind I’m like, how in the HECK are you gonna get mad at them for doing the same thing you did to me.
Case #1
I took off of work yesterday to do a move-out “walk” and sign my vacate letter and etc. So today I come in and see my “boss” sitting at her desk with a sour face. I put boss in quotations because structurally, she’s my boss. She’s who I am supposed to report to when evaluations come around. However, in every other sense, we are co-workers. We share work, have the same real boss, and our titles are pretty much the same. But because she’s technically my boss, she gets all the credit for almost everything I do. Not cool.
Anyways, being the way I am, I say good morning, see her face and ask her if she was okay. She begins to unload all her problems one by one on me. I didn’t mind. I understand how nice it is to have someone to just listen to you. Even though TG turned out to be a lying piece of *insert curse word*, he was a great listener. Lol
So she finishes and apologizes for having dumped all of this out like that. I say “no problem” and try to get my day started. After about 5 minutes, she comes back to my desk and says, “And another thing, I am sooooo tired of doing all this hard work and not getting the credit for it. I mean, Melissa and I are working on this project and I’ve been doing all the work for it. All she’s done is set up the meetings. This morning I got an email from the head of Corp. Communications and they were talking about how well Melissa has done on the project and how her name should definitely go on the final presentation. No one even mentioned me. I am so tired of not getting recognized for my work! Ugh!”
I swear I wanted to slap her. How is she gonna vent to me about doing all this work and not getting credit for and expect me to feel sorry for her when she gets all the credit for the work I do?
What in the heck is going on? I just sat there looking at her, hoping she’d see the irony in venting to me about this, but she didn’t.
They never do.
Case #2
Usher is always in the middle of something. There’s not a dull day in our relationship. I mean EVER. There’s always a story. Always some drama. Usually I’m just happy it has nothing to do with us.
Anyways, the other day he called me to tell me that he was home as he usually does after work. I could tell that he wasn’t his usually chipper self. So I ask what’s wrong. (okay, I now see that I set myself up for these venting spells.) He begins to tell me about his cousin whom he loaned $50 to about two week ago. His cousin was supposed to pay him back 2 days ago. He said he had been calling his cousin non-stop because he needs his money back. A loan is just that…a loan! Usher was pissed. “I hate having to ask people to pay what’s rightfully mine. You know when you owe somebody money. It’s just akward to put someone in a position where they have to chase you down for their own money. I hate when people do me like that.”
Um, yeah buddy. You’re preaching to the choir. Usher borrowed money from me a month before we broke up last year. I’m still waiting for payday. Again, I look at him like, Neegro! How you gonna be mad at someone for being two days late on $50, when you’re 6 months late on $400???? And then have the nerve to tell ME of all people how much you hate when people act like the forgot about paying you? HELLO!!!
That ish urks me to no end.
I have about a billion stories like this but I'll spare them. I often wonder why it never triggers to these people that they are preaching to the freaking choir when it comes to telling me these kinds of things? It’s kinda weird.
Anywho. Just felt like getting that off my chest. My move was long and tiring, but I’m finally finished. Hooray! These few days have been interesting. Adjusting back to living with my parents is going okay. Nothing major one way or the other. Just different. I’m happy to be back on this side of town though. I’ve missed being so close to everyone. Plus I should be able to save a little money. That’s the point right? :) I had a quick breakdown on Monday when I got off work and went to my folks house. As soon as I opened the door to my old bedroom the tears started flowing. I got over it quickly though. I gotta stay optimistic. This is the best decision for all of us. It may not be where I wanna be, but it’s definitely where I need to be. I’m helping everyone by being here. And it’s only for a while. I’m okay today. I’m embracing the fact that I can’t do it all alone. I’m also embracing the fact that I’m needed right now. I’m gonna be fine. I’m already feeling better. Wish me luck. A quick prayer would be nice too! Later!
I guess that’s why I started blogging. To get things off my chest that I’d never have a chance to vent about in real life because someone else is always venting instead.
Over the years, I’ve embraced my demure status and listened to those around me talk about any and everything. But what I find completely intriguing is the fact that some people get so caught up and comfortable in talking to me that they forget that they are talking to ME! What I mean by that is… people complain to me about something someone else did to them, and totally forget that they themselves have actually done the same thing to me. And they don’t even realize it. In my mind I’m like, how in the HECK are you gonna get mad at them for doing the same thing you did to me.
Case #1
I took off of work yesterday to do a move-out “walk” and sign my vacate letter and etc. So today I come in and see my “boss” sitting at her desk with a sour face. I put boss in quotations because structurally, she’s my boss. She’s who I am supposed to report to when evaluations come around. However, in every other sense, we are co-workers. We share work, have the same real boss, and our titles are pretty much the same. But because she’s technically my boss, she gets all the credit for almost everything I do. Not cool.
Anyways, being the way I am, I say good morning, see her face and ask her if she was okay. She begins to unload all her problems one by one on me. I didn’t mind. I understand how nice it is to have someone to just listen to you. Even though TG turned out to be a lying piece of *insert curse word*, he was a great listener. Lol
So she finishes and apologizes for having dumped all of this out like that. I say “no problem” and try to get my day started. After about 5 minutes, she comes back to my desk and says, “And another thing, I am sooooo tired of doing all this hard work and not getting the credit for it. I mean, Melissa and I are working on this project and I’ve been doing all the work for it. All she’s done is set up the meetings. This morning I got an email from the head of Corp. Communications and they were talking about how well Melissa has done on the project and how her name should definitely go on the final presentation. No one even mentioned me. I am so tired of not getting recognized for my work! Ugh!”
I swear I wanted to slap her. How is she gonna vent to me about doing all this work and not getting credit for and expect me to feel sorry for her when she gets all the credit for the work I do?
What in the heck is going on? I just sat there looking at her, hoping she’d see the irony in venting to me about this, but she didn’t.
They never do.
Case #2
Usher is always in the middle of something. There’s not a dull day in our relationship. I mean EVER. There’s always a story. Always some drama. Usually I’m just happy it has nothing to do with us.
Anyways, the other day he called me to tell me that he was home as he usually does after work. I could tell that he wasn’t his usually chipper self. So I ask what’s wrong. (okay, I now see that I set myself up for these venting spells.) He begins to tell me about his cousin whom he loaned $50 to about two week ago. His cousin was supposed to pay him back 2 days ago. He said he had been calling his cousin non-stop because he needs his money back. A loan is just that…a loan! Usher was pissed. “I hate having to ask people to pay what’s rightfully mine. You know when you owe somebody money. It’s just akward to put someone in a position where they have to chase you down for their own money. I hate when people do me like that.”
Um, yeah buddy. You’re preaching to the choir. Usher borrowed money from me a month before we broke up last year. I’m still waiting for payday. Again, I look at him like, Neegro! How you gonna be mad at someone for being two days late on $50, when you’re 6 months late on $400???? And then have the nerve to tell ME of all people how much you hate when people act like the forgot about paying you? HELLO!!!
That ish urks me to no end.
I have about a billion stories like this but I'll spare them. I often wonder why it never triggers to these people that they are preaching to the freaking choir when it comes to telling me these kinds of things? It’s kinda weird.
Anywho. Just felt like getting that off my chest. My move was long and tiring, but I’m finally finished. Hooray! These few days have been interesting. Adjusting back to living with my parents is going okay. Nothing major one way or the other. Just different. I’m happy to be back on this side of town though. I’ve missed being so close to everyone. Plus I should be able to save a little money. That’s the point right? :) I had a quick breakdown on Monday when I got off work and went to my folks house. As soon as I opened the door to my old bedroom the tears started flowing. I got over it quickly though. I gotta stay optimistic. This is the best decision for all of us. It may not be where I wanna be, but it’s definitely where I need to be. I’m helping everyone by being here. And it’s only for a while. I’m okay today. I’m embracing the fact that I can’t do it all alone. I’m also embracing the fact that I’m needed right now. I’m gonna be fine. I’m already feeling better. Wish me luck. A quick prayer would be nice too! Later!
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
4 days til D-Day
So the countdown has begun.
I think my body knows it because I've been sleeping extremely long and very peacefully this last past week. Unfortunately, since some events have taken place since I last wrote, my moving money is depleted. This means that the nice queen pillowtop mattress I planned to buy this weekend is on hold. Every since I decided to move back, I figured I'd give away most of my belongings. The next time I move out, I want mostly all new things. So my living room set is going to Usher, kitchenware is going to my aunt, and my bedroom suite, I decided, will be given to my parents. I figured my beautiful mahogany california king suite would look fabulous in their room. They have the space for it. My bedroom at their house already has my old queen size bedroom suite in it and to keep from moving everything and moving it again the next time I move, I figured this would be a better move. Besides, the king size suite I now have, would crowd my lil room way too much there. I just figured I'd get myself a new mattress since I've spoiled myself and am in love with my pillowtop.
But as usual, my plans were interupted by the need of those around me and I spent my mattress money last week. So now, when I move back, I'll be sleeping on my old mattress that I've had since I was 12. Boo! I hate that thing. I guess I shouldn't complain. It's only for a week...or two depending on the delivery schedule.
Anyways, I've been soaking up my last week in my place. Enjoying the quietness. The freedom. The privacy. Walking around naked. Eating honey combs at 2 in the morning. All that! It's been great. *sigh*
Aaaanywho. I'm hungry. I have about 10 minutes before lunch. Just thought I'd come and share my moving woes. lol Later!
I think my body knows it because I've been sleeping extremely long and very peacefully this last past week. Unfortunately, since some events have taken place since I last wrote, my moving money is depleted. This means that the nice queen pillowtop mattress I planned to buy this weekend is on hold. Every since I decided to move back, I figured I'd give away most of my belongings. The next time I move out, I want mostly all new things. So my living room set is going to Usher, kitchenware is going to my aunt, and my bedroom suite, I decided, will be given to my parents. I figured my beautiful mahogany california king suite would look fabulous in their room. They have the space for it. My bedroom at their house already has my old queen size bedroom suite in it and to keep from moving everything and moving it again the next time I move, I figured this would be a better move. Besides, the king size suite I now have, would crowd my lil room way too much there. I just figured I'd get myself a new mattress since I've spoiled myself and am in love with my pillowtop.
But as usual, my plans were interupted by the need of those around me and I spent my mattress money last week. So now, when I move back, I'll be sleeping on my old mattress that I've had since I was 12. Boo! I hate that thing. I guess I shouldn't complain. It's only for a week...or two depending on the delivery schedule.
Anyways, I've been soaking up my last week in my place. Enjoying the quietness. The freedom. The privacy. Walking around naked. Eating honey combs at 2 in the morning. All that! It's been great. *sigh*
Aaaanywho. I'm hungry. I have about 10 minutes before lunch. Just thought I'd come and share my moving woes. lol Later!
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Flaws and all
I AM VAIN.
I’ve always thought I was a sexy mami. I spend hours primping in front of the mirror. Meticulously styling each strand of hair and perfectly applying just the right amount of liner to compliment my brown eyes. I pride myself on my smooth skin. No blemishes or bumps for me. My face was as clear as the air. Any minuscule imperfection would be hurriedly covered until further notice of its disappearance. I love my face. I love the way it looks.
I often find myself passing time by just watching myself make faces in the mirror. 3 smiles, a pouty look…a sultry look and a cute one. I’ve mastered them all.
It’s because I’m vain.
I didn’t realize it though. I’ve always been a compliment whore. Hoping someone notices the things I notice about myself and praise me for it. I’d always respond with a timid “thanks”. Probably giving off the impression that I never thought I was attractive. But it’s quite the opposite.
I know I’m the shiznit!
I should be ashamed. I am really. But I don’t think I’ll change.
I AM DEPENDENT.
I never thought of myself this way. I’ve always seen myself as an independent chick. Not asking for help from anyone. Always striving to meet my own needs. I was the one always figuring out ways to help others…not the other way around. I guess for those reasons, I saw myself as independent. But I’m not. What I was describing is just financial independence…and really, I’m not that. I’m dependent on my job so there you go.
The more I thought about independence, the more I realized how needy I am emotionally. I am totally dependent on relationships. If I were Tom Hanks on Cast Away, I probably would have killed myself before month’s end. I love my “me” time and have no problem chillin all by myself. In fact, I often think of myself as a loner. But truth is, after a few days of that…I’m ready for some human interaction. I get tired of laughing at my own jokes. And the only thing I learn from myself, is more stuff about me. I need people. I’m dependent on it. Partly because I’m vain and I’d be sad if no one saw how cute I was. (j/k. Well not really. lol) But mostly it’s because I am dependent. I have the most fun with others, I learn more with others, conversations are always better with others (as opposed to talking to myself), I crave hugs and kisses from others. Life is just better with others. I’m dependent. What can I say.
I AM IN LOVE.
I didn’t think I’d fall in love with Usher but somehow he crept into my heart and stole every inch piece by piece. What started off for me as something to do with my spare time with someone I wasn’t really interested in, has turned into a 2 year relationship that I never want end. I love him. And it scares me. Being in love can make you vulnerable to someone else. I’m a leo. I want to be the only one in control of me. Yet…I find myself completely at his emotional mercy. Knowing that my relationship happiness is in his hands to either nurture or destroy is too much for me to handle sometimes. And as much as I try to be independent and guard my heart while keeping in mind that it all could (and has) end(ed) in a split second, I still know deep in my heart that he got me. I hate that. Yet…I can’t stop loving him. I can’t hide the way I feel. I AM …in love.
I AM BIG.
I should have known this. But I didn’t. I guess because I’m so vain, I may not see myself in the same light as others. I’m a size 12…well…14 sometimes if the tops aren’t stretchy. And I’ve been “this size” for quite sometime now. I’ve dropped as low as a 10 and as high as a 16 before…but usually, I’m a 12/14. Never though, did I consider myself a big girl.
Why you ask?
I dunno. Just didn’t. I look normal to me. The only reason I know now that I must be a big girl is because everytime I look at my friends request on Myspace, some variety of the “Big Beautiful Black Women” group always ask for me to be apart of their group.
*going to a mirror* I’m not that big am I?
Well everyone can’t be wrong. So I guess I should accept it.
*edit* Okay I’ve finally figured out why I never knew that I was big. I’ve found out from other sources that I have…
A SKINNY MIRROR.
Yup. Who’d a thunk it? I’ve had a few women over my house and they are all drawn to my mirror. Every last one of them have commented on how much they love my mirror because it makes them look skinny.
“For real?” I’d say. I had no idea. So apparently, I’ve been looking at a smaller version of myself. No wonder I’m always shocked when I see my pictures. lol *shrug*
I AM A CLEO.
No not in the “Call me now for a psychic reading!” sense. See, I was born at the end of July which means that my astrological sign is LEO. But I was late. If I was born when I was supposed to be born, I’d be a CANCER…hence CLEO (cancer/leo) .
I’m not sure how that works seeing how the characteristics of the LEO and the CANCER are on different sides of the spectrum. Maybe that’s why I’m so random. I really am both signs…although most people can only see one or the other in me. My entire life I’ve been more “Cancer-ish” but with every passing day, that Leo roar is starting to emerge. I think the only common bond these signs have is that they are both fairly benevolent. I just find it crazy that I can readily relate to both signs. Just felt like sharing.
I AM ADDICTED TO JAS.ON C.ASTRO.
Okay… how incredibly LAME must I be to actually watch American Idol still. I mean the show is only good at the beginning when the folks come make a complete fool out of themselves. Yet…since the first cycle, I’ve found myself tuning in as everyone either praise or bash Simon in his baby gap tee’s about how right or rude his comments are…and of course I try to figure out why Paula claps like a sped. No offense to the Speds. But her clap is amazingly akward. I can't figure out for the life of me why she looks so crazy clapping. Anyways.. I digress.
Why am I watching this crap, you ask? Because I have a crush on J.ason Castr.o.
JC. Wow. Where have you been all these years? I swear he makes my palms sweaty every Tuesday night. Does he not realize what he does to me? Those beautiful sparkly eyes...those dreads…that “Cody from Step By Step” dumb look he does when he speaks. Ooooh. He got me. Nevermind he’s 8 or so years younger than I am. He’s legal. I’ve never been with a Colombian man before (at least I think he’s Colombian) but he makes me wanna try it. He could definitely give me the business. lol Okay, lemme stop. *whew* But yeah...this sensual singing star is the reason I’ve been glued to my sofa watching AI. I think he’s a weird guy and his laid back style can be annoying sometimes, but I can sooo overlook that. He is a beautiful man…err boy. And I’m a sucker for a guitar player. I think I might even be a groupie for him. What a shame. lol I hope that he isn’t sent packing tonight. *crossing fingers*
I AM JEALOUS.
I get a call last night from Usher.
“Guess what?” He said all amused.
“What?” I questioned. He sounded as if he was bursting to tell someone some juicy gossip.
“ I just got a call from my ex-wife today. She’s pregnant.”
I couldn’t think of anything else to say but, “Whoa.”
I had so many emotions running through my body. Ya’ll know what happened between TG and I, and I’ve always been nervous about that same thing happening between me and Usher. Well for me, this happily put to rest the whole “what if he goes back to his ex” worry. Not to say that I’ll never worry about it again, but the probability that he'll leave me for her now that she's going to have another man’s child is a lot less. I know how he feels about that.
“How do you feel about that?” I asked anyways.
“Sheeeeit, you know me. I was done already anyways. This just sealed the deal. I don’t know why she telling me. I’m not gonna help her take care of another man’s child. And get this, they ain’t even together no mo’.” He sounded pleased.
I know his ex hurt him. She left him. And instead of forgiving her and moving on, he’s all about watching her get “what she deserves”. It bothers me because to me, if you’re still that angry, it may be because you still have strong feelings. He’s assured me that no matter what, his days with the ex were over when he left Kentucky 3 years ago. I believe him, but there’s always that doubt in the back of my mind.
This news, however, made me happy. I know it shouldn’t have, but it did. I was happy to know that she was pregnant with someone elses child. But then I became kind of jealous. This crackhead is going to have 2 children and I have yet to have any? How is that fair? I want children. I want a husband too. She just threw hers away. I began to think of all the things this lady has had in her life and decided she didn’t want and it made me upset to think that these are the very things I’ve waited my entire adult life for.
I became instantly ashamed that I was jealous of a crackhead. A woman who is about to have a child with a man she’s no longer with. A woman who is in such a bad predicament that her best idea was to call her ex-husband whom she left and ask for his help, knowing how he is and what he’d probably say…but it was her last hope. I’m so ashamed that with everything I do have, I was jealous of the two things she has that I don’t. Sometimes, I am a mess. A crazy, ungrateful mess.
I AM NOT PERFECT.
My entire life has been one big lie. I don’t really know how it all began. I was a good child. Precocious and cute. I was good at almost everything. Singing, dancing, and sports…piano, school, and speeches. I was the prototype for children everywhere. Obedient to my parents. Good with other children. Teachers loved me. I was perfect. So I thought.
My mom did nothing to discourage my perfect perception. In fact, she nurtured it. Eventually, she became the reason I felt the need to be perfect. She would always tell me how happy she was to have such a good child. She'd boast to her friends and family about me. She'd set up the expectations and I'd always deliver. I'm sure it made people sick to their stomach to see how "perfect" I was. Secretly, I know they were hoping I'd fall, or fail, or lose, or be tacky, or miss, or something. I was unnaturally...perfect.
As I got older, it became harder and harder to keep the standard that was previously set. I had to try harder to be the person everyone expected me to be. My reputation often preceded me. “Oooh that’s Lynette’s chile, she’s so *insert any good thing here*”. And to make my parents proud and to keep that perception of me going, I’d try my hardest to be the best at whatever it was I needed to be the best at.
But like every human, I started making mistakes. Getting involved with boys and letting my grades slip. My mom was so disappointed. I got whipped for bringing home a C in high school. She told me that she wished Kelly was her daughter instead of me. Kelly was one of my best friends. Smart. Very smart. Straight A’s. She just graduated from Harvard Law last year by the way. Anywho, I was hurt that she would say something like that to me. After years of trying to be this perfect child for her, I make one mistake and now she doesn't want me? It stung. That day should have been the day I stopped trying, but ironically, it made me want to try even harder. The disappointment in my mother’s eyes hurt me so much that I vowed to never disappoint her again.
I haven’t.
Not to her face at least. It was easier to live the lie of perfection than to admit to her that I’m not. I couldn’t bear to let her, or anyone see the side of me that was flawed. The part of me that was mean and moody. That was unsure and questioning. That was tired and disappointed. The part who had pre-marital sex, and skipped classes. The part that cursed, and went clubbing. The part that had been cheated on and who lost a dance off. That person was a vampire. Only accustomed to the dark. She was brushed into a closet with the rest of the skeletons. In her place was a lying but polished wall. Graceful, sharp, and mechanical. I knew to smile when people were around. I was polite, respectful, and engaging to all. Always fun. Always happy. Always on point. Never letting anyone see me less than perfect. I hid it all. I became so good that sometimes I hid it from myself.
But I kept making more mistakes. Years went by before one of my boyfriends finally told me, “Sway, you’re not perfect. You’re not doing anyone any good by pretending to be.”
Of course he was right, but I couldn't just instantly undo something that has had such a hold over me for my entire life. How do I tell my loving parents that I am not the person they've known since birth? How do I let people see all of me after years of lying, and hiding, and sweeping those bad parts away?
Day by day I guess.
Yeah those thoughts overtake my mind, willing me to make people believe that I’m perfect. The need to please my mom...people and their high expectations of me... it's hard to stop sometimes.
But I know I just have to re-train myself and realize that it's okay for others to see my flaws. Admitting to my mom and myself that I do have them. She has put me on a pedestal for so long that others believe it. Heck I believed it and lived my life trying to stay there. But slowly, I’ve begun to come down off it, step by step.
I am not perfect.
And it’s okay that others know.
This is who I am.
A big, vain, dependent, jealous, imperfect, cleo. Who happens to be addicted to a white boy with dreads and who's in love with a man who doesn’t know if he’s coming or going.
Take it or leave it.
This is me. Flaws and all.
I’ve always thought I was a sexy mami. I spend hours primping in front of the mirror. Meticulously styling each strand of hair and perfectly applying just the right amount of liner to compliment my brown eyes. I pride myself on my smooth skin. No blemishes or bumps for me. My face was as clear as the air. Any minuscule imperfection would be hurriedly covered until further notice of its disappearance. I love my face. I love the way it looks.
I often find myself passing time by just watching myself make faces in the mirror. 3 smiles, a pouty look…a sultry look and a cute one. I’ve mastered them all.
It’s because I’m vain.
I didn’t realize it though. I’ve always been a compliment whore. Hoping someone notices the things I notice about myself and praise me for it. I’d always respond with a timid “thanks”. Probably giving off the impression that I never thought I was attractive. But it’s quite the opposite.
I know I’m the shiznit!
I should be ashamed. I am really. But I don’t think I’ll change.
I AM DEPENDENT.
I never thought of myself this way. I’ve always seen myself as an independent chick. Not asking for help from anyone. Always striving to meet my own needs. I was the one always figuring out ways to help others…not the other way around. I guess for those reasons, I saw myself as independent. But I’m not. What I was describing is just financial independence…and really, I’m not that. I’m dependent on my job so there you go.
The more I thought about independence, the more I realized how needy I am emotionally. I am totally dependent on relationships. If I were Tom Hanks on Cast Away, I probably would have killed myself before month’s end. I love my “me” time and have no problem chillin all by myself. In fact, I often think of myself as a loner. But truth is, after a few days of that…I’m ready for some human interaction. I get tired of laughing at my own jokes. And the only thing I learn from myself, is more stuff about me. I need people. I’m dependent on it. Partly because I’m vain and I’d be sad if no one saw how cute I was. (j/k. Well not really. lol) But mostly it’s because I am dependent. I have the most fun with others, I learn more with others, conversations are always better with others (as opposed to talking to myself), I crave hugs and kisses from others. Life is just better with others. I’m dependent. What can I say.
I AM IN LOVE.
I didn’t think I’d fall in love with Usher but somehow he crept into my heart and stole every inch piece by piece. What started off for me as something to do with my spare time with someone I wasn’t really interested in, has turned into a 2 year relationship that I never want end. I love him. And it scares me. Being in love can make you vulnerable to someone else. I’m a leo. I want to be the only one in control of me. Yet…I find myself completely at his emotional mercy. Knowing that my relationship happiness is in his hands to either nurture or destroy is too much for me to handle sometimes. And as much as I try to be independent and guard my heart while keeping in mind that it all could (and has) end(ed) in a split second, I still know deep in my heart that he got me. I hate that. Yet…I can’t stop loving him. I can’t hide the way I feel. I AM …in love.
I AM BIG.
I should have known this. But I didn’t. I guess because I’m so vain, I may not see myself in the same light as others. I’m a size 12…well…14 sometimes if the tops aren’t stretchy. And I’ve been “this size” for quite sometime now. I’ve dropped as low as a 10 and as high as a 16 before…but usually, I’m a 12/14. Never though, did I consider myself a big girl.
Why you ask?
I dunno. Just didn’t. I look normal to me. The only reason I know now that I must be a big girl is because everytime I look at my friends request on Myspace, some variety of the “Big Beautiful Black Women” group always ask for me to be apart of their group.
*going to a mirror* I’m not that big am I?
Well everyone can’t be wrong. So I guess I should accept it.
*edit* Okay I’ve finally figured out why I never knew that I was big. I’ve found out from other sources that I have…
A SKINNY MIRROR.
Yup. Who’d a thunk it? I’ve had a few women over my house and they are all drawn to my mirror. Every last one of them have commented on how much they love my mirror because it makes them look skinny.
“For real?” I’d say. I had no idea. So apparently, I’ve been looking at a smaller version of myself. No wonder I’m always shocked when I see my pictures. lol *shrug*
I AM A CLEO.
No not in the “Call me now for a psychic reading!” sense. See, I was born at the end of July which means that my astrological sign is LEO. But I was late. If I was born when I was supposed to be born, I’d be a CANCER…hence CLEO (cancer/leo) .
I’m not sure how that works seeing how the characteristics of the LEO and the CANCER are on different sides of the spectrum. Maybe that’s why I’m so random. I really am both signs…although most people can only see one or the other in me. My entire life I’ve been more “Cancer-ish” but with every passing day, that Leo roar is starting to emerge. I think the only common bond these signs have is that they are both fairly benevolent. I just find it crazy that I can readily relate to both signs. Just felt like sharing.
I AM ADDICTED TO JAS.ON C.ASTRO.
Okay… how incredibly LAME must I be to actually watch American Idol still. I mean the show is only good at the beginning when the folks come make a complete fool out of themselves. Yet…since the first cycle, I’ve found myself tuning in as everyone either praise or bash Simon in his baby gap tee’s about how right or rude his comments are…and of course I try to figure out why Paula claps like a sped. No offense to the Speds. But her clap is amazingly akward. I can't figure out for the life of me why she looks so crazy clapping. Anyways.. I digress.
Why am I watching this crap, you ask? Because I have a crush on J.ason Castr.o.
JC. Wow. Where have you been all these years? I swear he makes my palms sweaty every Tuesday night. Does he not realize what he does to me? Those beautiful sparkly eyes...those dreads…that “Cody from Step By Step” dumb look he does when he speaks. Ooooh. He got me. Nevermind he’s 8 or so years younger than I am. He’s legal. I’ve never been with a Colombian man before (at least I think he’s Colombian) but he makes me wanna try it. He could definitely give me the business. lol Okay, lemme stop. *whew* But yeah...this sensual singing star is the reason I’ve been glued to my sofa watching AI. I think he’s a weird guy and his laid back style can be annoying sometimes, but I can sooo overlook that. He is a beautiful man…err boy. And I’m a sucker for a guitar player. I think I might even be a groupie for him. What a shame. lol I hope that he isn’t sent packing tonight. *crossing fingers*
I AM JEALOUS.
I get a call last night from Usher.
“Guess what?” He said all amused.
“What?” I questioned. He sounded as if he was bursting to tell someone some juicy gossip.
“ I just got a call from my ex-wife today. She’s pregnant.”
I couldn’t think of anything else to say but, “Whoa.”
I had so many emotions running through my body. Ya’ll know what happened between TG and I, and I’ve always been nervous about that same thing happening between me and Usher. Well for me, this happily put to rest the whole “what if he goes back to his ex” worry. Not to say that I’ll never worry about it again, but the probability that he'll leave me for her now that she's going to have another man’s child is a lot less. I know how he feels about that.
“How do you feel about that?” I asked anyways.
“Sheeeeit, you know me. I was done already anyways. This just sealed the deal. I don’t know why she telling me. I’m not gonna help her take care of another man’s child. And get this, they ain’t even together no mo’.” He sounded pleased.
I know his ex hurt him. She left him. And instead of forgiving her and moving on, he’s all about watching her get “what she deserves”. It bothers me because to me, if you’re still that angry, it may be because you still have strong feelings. He’s assured me that no matter what, his days with the ex were over when he left Kentucky 3 years ago. I believe him, but there’s always that doubt in the back of my mind.
This news, however, made me happy. I know it shouldn’t have, but it did. I was happy to know that she was pregnant with someone elses child. But then I became kind of jealous. This crackhead is going to have 2 children and I have yet to have any? How is that fair? I want children. I want a husband too. She just threw hers away. I began to think of all the things this lady has had in her life and decided she didn’t want and it made me upset to think that these are the very things I’ve waited my entire adult life for.
I became instantly ashamed that I was jealous of a crackhead. A woman who is about to have a child with a man she’s no longer with. A woman who is in such a bad predicament that her best idea was to call her ex-husband whom she left and ask for his help, knowing how he is and what he’d probably say…but it was her last hope. I’m so ashamed that with everything I do have, I was jealous of the two things she has that I don’t. Sometimes, I am a mess. A crazy, ungrateful mess.
I AM NOT PERFECT.
My entire life has been one big lie. I don’t really know how it all began. I was a good child. Precocious and cute. I was good at almost everything. Singing, dancing, and sports…piano, school, and speeches. I was the prototype for children everywhere. Obedient to my parents. Good with other children. Teachers loved me. I was perfect. So I thought.
My mom did nothing to discourage my perfect perception. In fact, she nurtured it. Eventually, she became the reason I felt the need to be perfect. She would always tell me how happy she was to have such a good child. She'd boast to her friends and family about me. She'd set up the expectations and I'd always deliver. I'm sure it made people sick to their stomach to see how "perfect" I was. Secretly, I know they were hoping I'd fall, or fail, or lose, or be tacky, or miss, or something. I was unnaturally...perfect.
As I got older, it became harder and harder to keep the standard that was previously set. I had to try harder to be the person everyone expected me to be. My reputation often preceded me. “Oooh that’s Lynette’s chile, she’s so *insert any good thing here*”. And to make my parents proud and to keep that perception of me going, I’d try my hardest to be the best at whatever it was I needed to be the best at.
But like every human, I started making mistakes. Getting involved with boys and letting my grades slip. My mom was so disappointed. I got whipped for bringing home a C in high school. She told me that she wished Kelly was her daughter instead of me. Kelly was one of my best friends. Smart. Very smart. Straight A’s. She just graduated from Harvard Law last year by the way. Anywho, I was hurt that she would say something like that to me. After years of trying to be this perfect child for her, I make one mistake and now she doesn't want me? It stung. That day should have been the day I stopped trying, but ironically, it made me want to try even harder. The disappointment in my mother’s eyes hurt me so much that I vowed to never disappoint her again.
I haven’t.
Not to her face at least. It was easier to live the lie of perfection than to admit to her that I’m not. I couldn’t bear to let her, or anyone see the side of me that was flawed. The part of me that was mean and moody. That was unsure and questioning. That was tired and disappointed. The part who had pre-marital sex, and skipped classes. The part that cursed, and went clubbing. The part that had been cheated on and who lost a dance off. That person was a vampire. Only accustomed to the dark. She was brushed into a closet with the rest of the skeletons. In her place was a lying but polished wall. Graceful, sharp, and mechanical. I knew to smile when people were around. I was polite, respectful, and engaging to all. Always fun. Always happy. Always on point. Never letting anyone see me less than perfect. I hid it all. I became so good that sometimes I hid it from myself.
But I kept making more mistakes. Years went by before one of my boyfriends finally told me, “Sway, you’re not perfect. You’re not doing anyone any good by pretending to be.”
Of course he was right, but I couldn't just instantly undo something that has had such a hold over me for my entire life. How do I tell my loving parents that I am not the person they've known since birth? How do I let people see all of me after years of lying, and hiding, and sweeping those bad parts away?
Day by day I guess.
Yeah those thoughts overtake my mind, willing me to make people believe that I’m perfect. The need to please my mom...people and their high expectations of me... it's hard to stop sometimes.
But I know I just have to re-train myself and realize that it's okay for others to see my flaws. Admitting to my mom and myself that I do have them. She has put me on a pedestal for so long that others believe it. Heck I believed it and lived my life trying to stay there. But slowly, I’ve begun to come down off it, step by step.
I am not perfect.
And it’s okay that others know.
This is who I am.
A big, vain, dependent, jealous, imperfect, cleo. Who happens to be addicted to a white boy with dreads and who's in love with a man who doesn’t know if he’s coming or going.
Take it or leave it.
This is me. Flaws and all.
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