It’s Monday… and one day short of being a month since TG and I parted ways.
I’m okay.
Sure I have my moments where I go to my keyboard and play some of the beautiful melodies he made for me and reminisce about the many nights he’d stand in front of his board and make up a tune for me while I ad lib some silly words about how much I loved him….and I’d break down and cry. And of course there are those moments when I smell my clothes he washed …and floods of emotions come back to the many days I spent in his t-shirts…lounging around and talking about our future…and my heart breaks all over again. But you know what… those memories are spacing out more and more each day…and I find myself having more periods of joy and happiness not thinking about him…or her… or them.
I’m okay. And hopefully next month I’ll be good. Then great.
I didn’t do too much this weekend. I had plans to stay in my PJ’s all weekend and do some cleaning but I didn’t. I was supposed to go out on a …well I don’t know what it was supposed to be. lol
There’s this security guard at my job that has taken a liking to me. I don’t know why security guards like me, but they do. lol. Every male security guard that has worked here over the last few years has found a way to make conversation with me and somehow ask me out. Of course I’ve never taken any of them up on their offer. Mainly cuz I’m sure I wasn’t the only one they were asking out. And I wasn’t really planning on “getting” with this one either…although I was gonna let him take me out once. lol But both He and I know that I’m in “rebound” mode right now. I’m afraid that he’d try to take advantage of my fragileness...and I'm also afraid that I wouldn’t be fair to him. I’d just use him for company and to fill the physical void of having someone there on Fridays and Saturdays…and then when I’m all better, drop him like a bad habit. I can’t do that to people…so lately I’ve been avoiding him.
I’ve known he’s liked me for a while, and his subtle advances have become less and less subtle since he found out that TG and I aren’t together and I’m now a single woman. Friday he made his move. He casually asked me to go to the park for a picnic with him on Saturday. I told him I’d think about it. He said he had to work here until 3, but gave me the number to the FRONT DESK… ( NOT his number) and told me to call him when I woke up and we could take it from there.
I planned not to call him as soon as I saw our company’s number. lol. I mean, to me that move was a little weird. If you gonna try to get at me, then TRY. Giving me your work number tells me you don’t want me to have your cell number (and that’s assuming you have one… Lord, I hope his lack of a cell phone isn't the reason he gave me his work phone number. lol). And if you are trying to holla at me, why wouldn’t you want me to have your number? Red Flags. RED FLAGS. lol It’s just too questionable for me. You trying to take me out, but you don’t give me your number? And you didn't ask for mine? You wanna put the ball in my court…which is fine with me. Good move. If i call, then you know i'm interested...and you had a MUCH better chance of me taking your number then gettin mine. Okay. Got it. But the whole call before 3 or you won’t get me thing...kinda forces me to make a move. It's no longer a "call if you want, when you want" thing...it's a "call me while you have a chance or you'll miss out" thing. Well at least in my crazy brain it is. lol. It just sounds a little "smooth" to me. I know I’ve been out the game a while…but I opted to not call.
I knew I'd have to face him today...and wasn't really worried about it. I figured he'd either act as if nothing happened... or ask me why i didn't call. Either way, I was good. I'd just non chalantly tell him that by the time I was available to call, it was after 3.
He usually works the evening shift so I see him before I leave work, but this morning he was here when I walked in. I wasn’t expecting to see him this early. I didn't have my game face on. I wasn't expected to explain anything at 8am. lol. As I turned the corner I was startled to see him and I'm sure it showed. He had this… “you stood me up” look on his face which was so funny that I couldn’t help but laugh. He was all like “Man Sway, I was looking at the phone all day”
lol... Awwww
At least he has some lines. He’s kinda cute. I couldn’t see myself dating him for real though. I’m still in the healing process. I’m still trying to get my heart back right. But… I dunno… I like the extra attention. The 5 minutes a day flirting we do. He’s fun to play with. And it’s nice to know that someone wants some of my time.
So since I didn’t call him Saturday… I did what all single women wanting to get over their love would do. I went shopping.
I may not have a man, but my wardrobe is gonna be SIZZLING. lol
I didn’t go too crazy though. I’m gonna take care of myself this year. I’m gonna invest more. Save more. Pay off my bills…get my life back on track.
Okay…I’m done rambling.
Have a wonderful Monday!
Monday, January 30, 2006
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Memories…
There are so many…
just floating around in my head and resurfacing at the most odd and random moments. Half of them I can hardly believe even happened. Yet they’re there. The visual imprints in my mind…forever burned and etched in my skull. I figured I’d share a few.
Memory most like a movie: Have anyone seen Tommy Boy? Well there’s a scene in there where David Spade and Chris Farley are riding in the car singing…without a care in the world and all of a sudden their hood flies up and they both scream because they CAN’T see the road.
Well… yeah…um…err…that happened to me and one of my boyfriends. I think it was either ’99 or ’00. We were leaving my college in conyers and we were heading down I-20 to Riverdale since that’s where he/we lived. We were doing our usual thing, he was driving his black beretta in the fast lane at about 80-85 mph and we were singing/rapping as we ALWAYS did in the car. Not a care in the world. Out of nowhere the world becomes black…and we hear the loudest thump I’ve ever heard in a car. The hood blew up so fast that it actually took me a second to realize what really happened. Surpisingly neither of us screamed or panicked. I started looking out the side window and mirror to see if he could get over. Thank GOD no cars were coming. He was scooting down in his seat trying to see through the small crack between the hood and the dashboard. We made it safely to the emergency lane…and we both got out to see the hood WRAPPED around the top of the car. It popped his rearview mirror off, and shattered/blowed his inside lights. After accessing the damage, being REALLY embarrassed, and laughing to keep from crying since this was OUR ONLY means of transportation…and he was a commission only salesman…. He stood on top of the car, kicked the hood with all his might until he finally got the hood back down. Of course it wouldn’t latch on properly because it was severely deformed….so we took his dog’s leash and tied the hood to the bumper. lol. Oh my goodness. *smh* That was sooooo scary... and embarrassing. Good times though. After I realized we weren’t dead, his car still worked, and I thanked God for that… I thought the whole scene was pretty amusing. I hope that never happens again. Once is definitely enough.
Most romantic memory: Well, I’ve had my share of romantic dates. Of course they usually are a lot better in my head. But hey, life’s not over right? So as of date, I think my most romantic memory was from my ’04 trip to Jekyll Island. Now this is weird to say because they guy I went with was not my boyfriend…and in all honesty, nothing was ever really “romantic” with us. When we’re together, we are the silliest two people on the planet. I don’t think we’ve ever had a serious moment since we’ve known each other. So for this to be my most romantic memory is kinda weird. I guess I gauge romance differently. Usually, when I have a romantic date, everything is all planned and it’s “supposed” to be romantic… so that kinda takes away from the entire aura...even though it is still special and romantic.
I guess what happened here was that the trip was very “impromptu”. It started off as kind of a joke…as everything does with us. We talked about it to kill time at work…but the more I actually thought about it, the more I was like…why not. *shrug* lol I needed a vacation. He didn’t seem to mind going. It was almost October and the prices were a little cheaper. Let’s do it. So I planned a weekend getaway to Jekyll. I’d never been and neither had he. I knew we’d have fun because we’re both silly and we’d find something to do…even if it’s just playing in the water…or looking for seashells. We didn't have an agenda. We were just gonna go.
Anywho… we get down there… and our room has a Jacuzzi in it with mirrors all around it. It was nice. Of course I was like… we GOTTA use that sometime on this trip. I don’t think there were candles…or rose petals…or even music playing…but something about us being in the Jacuzzi together was one of the most romantic memories I have. I guess it was one of the few moments in our friendship where neither one of us had a joke…neither one of us wanted to joke… everything was all of a sudden…steamy…and passionate…and… “couply”. I never really looked at him that way before then. It was kinda unexpected. I guess surprises like that are romantic to me. No one tried to make it that way…it just was.
Most embarrassing memory: Man, as clumsy as I am, I’m not really sure which memory is most embarrassing. lol. There was this one time in 8th grade where I feel off the stage at a band concert with my clarinet. *smh* Then there was another time when my mom jacked up both my boyfriends at the concession stand in the 3rd quarter of our highschool football game and EVERYBODY saw it and heard what she said. *smh* Then there was the time that I thought I was cute and saw this man looking at me while I was coming out of the store and I sashayed my cute behind to the wrong car and got in, only to see that the person driving was NOT my cousin. Then had to get out, while they laughed and get in the right car…all while the sexy man looked at me . *smh* I hate being blind. But I think what takes the cake is the scene I’ve shared a few times already on this blog. The tube top incident.
It’s my first year of college, I’m meeting new people…getting my freedom on. And 4 of my girls decide that they wanted to go to West Georgia to get their party on… so all 5 of us hop in my girl's car and jam down to some club close to W. Ga. Now mind you, I JUST turned 18, and besides the lil kiddie/ after high school graduation clubs, I had never been to a real club before. I was very wet behind the ears. But you wouldn’t know it to look at me. I was fine as all get out back then. Had on a lil black tube top, black and silver pants, black strap up stilettos and I was working it. We get there and no one’s dancing. I didn’t blame them, the music was horrible. About 30 minutes later, the crowd gets a little thicker and folks started requesting some booty shake music. So we get on the dance floor, make our infamous “girl circle” and dance with each other. After a while, the wallflowers decide they wanna pick us off one by one and dance with us. An okay looking guy pulls me out the group and asks me my name while holding my hips and dancing with me. He was tall. The top of my head didn’t even feel like it reached the middle of his chest. He didn’t seem to mind though. After a few dances, he asked me if I wanted something to drink. (drink?…I’ve never had alcohol before). I played it off and told him to surpise me with a lil somethin somethin. He smiled and disappeared through the crowd. I watched him pick me out something at the bar. My very first drink… I thought to myself. He walked back with a small shot glass of something clear. I’m so stupid, I figured if it’s clear, it’s probably not that harmless. I mean water is clear. Duh! *blink, blink* Man, I had a lot to learn.
So I take this clear contraption to the head.
May I just say, I have NEVER felt a fire in my chest quite like that shot of Tanqueray. My insides were burning! B.U.R.N.I.N.G.
Whew. It was rough going down. I mean it tastes like pepper. Ugh!
But about 10 minutes after that shot…the world was looking kinda nice. He asked me if I wanted another….and my retarded behind said yes. I’m dancing, I’m sippin on my second shot… and all is right with the world. I’m so sexy. Sooooo so sexy. Get it Sway. Shake that thang. Drop on that neeegro. Brang those hips up. Show ‘em what u got girl.
I was on cloud 9. lol *I’m so stupid*
So I’m dancing with ole dude… he’s turned me around letting my butt massage his thighs and his hands on my waist and we’re dancing… err… I’m dancing… I have NO idea what he was doing.
I had a fan in the corner. This cat had been looking at me for the last 5 minutes and I made SURE to put on a show. He know I’m sexy. You can look papi… you know I’m fine. You like how I dip? My hips mesmerizing you ain’t they? lol
He finally gets up. Awww man, I think to myself. I knew my sexiness would make him come over. He gets right in front of me… so close I can smell his beer and winterfresh breath. He leans over toward my ear, but I jerk away. “Don’t you see I’m dancing with someone?” I snap. I hate when men try to step to me when I’m with someone. He don’t know if that’s my man or not. Don’t be disrespectful. UGH!
Old dude pulls back from me and look me up and down and says… “ain’t nobody trying to holla at you. I was just finna tell you yo’ tube top is down.”
*Womp Womp*
Don’t I feel stupid. I look down and there go my boys….hanging loose. Dancing right along with me. I had to be GONE not to notice that. I don’t have no little boys either. Them thangs are heavy. How did I not know??? Immediately my face gets hot and I pull up my top… run to find my friends and head outside to tell them what happened. They laughed their behinds off at me. The whole year my nickname was “flash”. That was the last time I wore a tube top…or drank tanqueray. The sad thing is that I have NO idea how many folks saw my top down. And I know that fool with whom I was dancing is somewhere telling this story to his boys cuz his behind SHOLE didn’t tell me my top was down. *smh*
Well i guess that's enough reminiscing for today. Happy Hump Day everyone!
just floating around in my head and resurfacing at the most odd and random moments. Half of them I can hardly believe even happened. Yet they’re there. The visual imprints in my mind…forever burned and etched in my skull. I figured I’d share a few.
Memory most like a movie: Have anyone seen Tommy Boy? Well there’s a scene in there where David Spade and Chris Farley are riding in the car singing…without a care in the world and all of a sudden their hood flies up and they both scream because they CAN’T see the road.
Well… yeah…um…err…that happened to me and one of my boyfriends. I think it was either ’99 or ’00. We were leaving my college in conyers and we were heading down I-20 to Riverdale since that’s where he/we lived. We were doing our usual thing, he was driving his black beretta in the fast lane at about 80-85 mph and we were singing/rapping as we ALWAYS did in the car. Not a care in the world. Out of nowhere the world becomes black…and we hear the loudest thump I’ve ever heard in a car. The hood blew up so fast that it actually took me a second to realize what really happened. Surpisingly neither of us screamed or panicked. I started looking out the side window and mirror to see if he could get over. Thank GOD no cars were coming. He was scooting down in his seat trying to see through the small crack between the hood and the dashboard. We made it safely to the emergency lane…and we both got out to see the hood WRAPPED around the top of the car. It popped his rearview mirror off, and shattered/blowed his inside lights. After accessing the damage, being REALLY embarrassed, and laughing to keep from crying since this was OUR ONLY means of transportation…and he was a commission only salesman…. He stood on top of the car, kicked the hood with all his might until he finally got the hood back down. Of course it wouldn’t latch on properly because it was severely deformed….so we took his dog’s leash and tied the hood to the bumper. lol. Oh my goodness. *smh* That was sooooo scary... and embarrassing. Good times though. After I realized we weren’t dead, his car still worked, and I thanked God for that… I thought the whole scene was pretty amusing. I hope that never happens again. Once is definitely enough.
Most romantic memory: Well, I’ve had my share of romantic dates. Of course they usually are a lot better in my head. But hey, life’s not over right? So as of date, I think my most romantic memory was from my ’04 trip to Jekyll Island. Now this is weird to say because they guy I went with was not my boyfriend…and in all honesty, nothing was ever really “romantic” with us. When we’re together, we are the silliest two people on the planet. I don’t think we’ve ever had a serious moment since we’ve known each other. So for this to be my most romantic memory is kinda weird. I guess I gauge romance differently. Usually, when I have a romantic date, everything is all planned and it’s “supposed” to be romantic… so that kinda takes away from the entire aura...even though it is still special and romantic.
I guess what happened here was that the trip was very “impromptu”. It started off as kind of a joke…as everything does with us. We talked about it to kill time at work…but the more I actually thought about it, the more I was like…why not. *shrug* lol I needed a vacation. He didn’t seem to mind going. It was almost October and the prices were a little cheaper. Let’s do it. So I planned a weekend getaway to Jekyll. I’d never been and neither had he. I knew we’d have fun because we’re both silly and we’d find something to do…even if it’s just playing in the water…or looking for seashells. We didn't have an agenda. We were just gonna go.
Anywho… we get down there… and our room has a Jacuzzi in it with mirrors all around it. It was nice. Of course I was like… we GOTTA use that sometime on this trip. I don’t think there were candles…or rose petals…or even music playing…but something about us being in the Jacuzzi together was one of the most romantic memories I have. I guess it was one of the few moments in our friendship where neither one of us had a joke…neither one of us wanted to joke… everything was all of a sudden…steamy…and passionate…and… “couply”. I never really looked at him that way before then. It was kinda unexpected. I guess surprises like that are romantic to me. No one tried to make it that way…it just was.
Most embarrassing memory: Man, as clumsy as I am, I’m not really sure which memory is most embarrassing. lol. There was this one time in 8th grade where I feel off the stage at a band concert with my clarinet. *smh* Then there was another time when my mom jacked up both my boyfriends at the concession stand in the 3rd quarter of our highschool football game and EVERYBODY saw it and heard what she said. *smh* Then there was the time that I thought I was cute and saw this man looking at me while I was coming out of the store and I sashayed my cute behind to the wrong car and got in, only to see that the person driving was NOT my cousin. Then had to get out, while they laughed and get in the right car…all while the sexy man looked at me . *smh* I hate being blind. But I think what takes the cake is the scene I’ve shared a few times already on this blog. The tube top incident.
It’s my first year of college, I’m meeting new people…getting my freedom on. And 4 of my girls decide that they wanted to go to West Georgia to get their party on… so all 5 of us hop in my girl's car and jam down to some club close to W. Ga. Now mind you, I JUST turned 18, and besides the lil kiddie/ after high school graduation clubs, I had never been to a real club before. I was very wet behind the ears. But you wouldn’t know it to look at me. I was fine as all get out back then. Had on a lil black tube top, black and silver pants, black strap up stilettos and I was working it. We get there and no one’s dancing. I didn’t blame them, the music was horrible. About 30 minutes later, the crowd gets a little thicker and folks started requesting some booty shake music. So we get on the dance floor, make our infamous “girl circle” and dance with each other. After a while, the wallflowers decide they wanna pick us off one by one and dance with us. An okay looking guy pulls me out the group and asks me my name while holding my hips and dancing with me. He was tall. The top of my head didn’t even feel like it reached the middle of his chest. He didn’t seem to mind though. After a few dances, he asked me if I wanted something to drink. (drink?…I’ve never had alcohol before). I played it off and told him to surpise me with a lil somethin somethin. He smiled and disappeared through the crowd. I watched him pick me out something at the bar. My very first drink… I thought to myself. He walked back with a small shot glass of something clear. I’m so stupid, I figured if it’s clear, it’s probably not that harmless. I mean water is clear. Duh! *blink, blink* Man, I had a lot to learn.
So I take this clear contraption to the head.
May I just say, I have NEVER felt a fire in my chest quite like that shot of Tanqueray. My insides were burning! B.U.R.N.I.N.G.
Whew. It was rough going down. I mean it tastes like pepper. Ugh!
But about 10 minutes after that shot…the world was looking kinda nice. He asked me if I wanted another….and my retarded behind said yes. I’m dancing, I’m sippin on my second shot… and all is right with the world. I’m so sexy. Sooooo so sexy. Get it Sway. Shake that thang. Drop on that neeegro. Brang those hips up. Show ‘em what u got girl.
I was on cloud 9. lol *I’m so stupid*
So I’m dancing with ole dude… he’s turned me around letting my butt massage his thighs and his hands on my waist and we’re dancing… err… I’m dancing… I have NO idea what he was doing.
I had a fan in the corner. This cat had been looking at me for the last 5 minutes and I made SURE to put on a show. He know I’m sexy. You can look papi… you know I’m fine. You like how I dip? My hips mesmerizing you ain’t they? lol
He finally gets up. Awww man, I think to myself. I knew my sexiness would make him come over. He gets right in front of me… so close I can smell his beer and winterfresh breath. He leans over toward my ear, but I jerk away. “Don’t you see I’m dancing with someone?” I snap. I hate when men try to step to me when I’m with someone. He don’t know if that’s my man or not. Don’t be disrespectful. UGH!
Old dude pulls back from me and look me up and down and says… “ain’t nobody trying to holla at you. I was just finna tell you yo’ tube top is down.”
*Womp Womp*
Don’t I feel stupid. I look down and there go my boys….hanging loose. Dancing right along with me. I had to be GONE not to notice that. I don’t have no little boys either. Them thangs are heavy. How did I not know??? Immediately my face gets hot and I pull up my top… run to find my friends and head outside to tell them what happened. They laughed their behinds off at me. The whole year my nickname was “flash”. That was the last time I wore a tube top…or drank tanqueray. The sad thing is that I have NO idea how many folks saw my top down. And I know that fool with whom I was dancing is somewhere telling this story to his boys cuz his behind SHOLE didn’t tell me my top was down. *smh*
Well i guess that's enough reminiscing for today. Happy Hump Day everyone!
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
My heart's still broken...but at least 2 families aren't
FYI…this post was written over a few days, so forgive me for the inconsistencies and length. I was all over the place. :)
My mom told me that TG’s sister called me around midnight last Wednesday night/Thursday morning on HER phone.
This shocked me as well as my mom because while Koki and I are cool, She rarely calls me. So I made it a point to give her a call back yesterday (Thursday) at work.
She knows about TG and I. I called her last week to thank her for being such a good sister for the time TG and I was together. She told me that she’s truly sorry for what her brother did, and in her eyes, I’ll aways be her sister.
It brought a tear to my eye. His family really did like me. And I liked them. It’s unfortunate they won’t be my in-laws.
So anyways I call her around 11am yesterday, and she pretty much told me she was only calling to check on me. That “check-up” turned into an hour and a half conversation about TG…Karen (his ex wife)…me …the kids….and some other stuff I’ve failed to mention in this blog.
Koki gave me an earful. With each word my stomach tightened up and I felt more and more hurt. The things she told me about TG hurt me. How can the man she’s describing be the man that I’ve spent almost the last year with? This sounds nothing like him. I wish I would have known all this BEFORE we got serious. WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME this is typical TG stuff? Anyways… she tells me she loves her brother, and she thought he was better, but apparently he’s either MENTAL or he’s an habitual uncontrollable liar and in her words, TG and Karen deserve each other cuz they both crazy.
What about all this God stuff? What about all those many nights we prayed together about our future and the ministry God placed in us…and yada yada… That was all fake?
That’s hard for me to believe. Anyways…the convo with her left a bad taste in my mouth. I don’t know whether to believe her or not. Half of what she says makes sense…but half of it doesn’t. Our convo ended when TG called me around 12:30ish.
He didn’t want anything. Just to tell me that it was beautiful outside and that if he was close to my job, he’d pick up some subs and take me out to the park I once took him to over here and we’d have a picnic. Huh? Why would he say something like that to me?
I know I need to stop talking to him for a while. Cuz every time I hear his voice, I miss him. And he’s not making it any better.
Anyways, I burst his little fantasy up when I told him that I had just finished talking to Koki.
I know she gave you an earful. He uneasily remarked. He wanted to play it cool, but I know he was DYING for me to tell him what she said. He tried to do damage control by saying that “you know Koki, she always talking about something she doesn’t know about.” Little does he know. His beloved EX/Future wife Karen has been running her mouth to Koki too. His sister knows more than he’s giving her credit for. But I just said…uh. And left it at that.
He’s leaving for Columbus tonight (edit…this was last Thursday). Aint that something. This neegro needed no time to get over me. Bye Sway, Hi Karen. Just like that. It makes me question if we even had anything. How can you just so easily rid your mind and heart of me and move on so quickly? With each passing day, I began to get this uneasy feeling that I got played. BIG TIME.
And what makes it so bad is that he says God shifted his love. The reason he’s not feeling bad about leaving me is because God made him stop loving me…and gave him love for her. WTH? Are you serious? So now not only do you not CARE that I’m just left here hurting, but you’re saying that God is the reason you don’t CARE?????? *fuming*
I bite my tongue and leave it all alone because honestly, the way this thing has gone down, I don’t know anything anymore, everything seems like a lie…and nothing makes sense. I can’t comment too much cuz what if by some crazy chance TG is telling the truth? What if things are happening just as he says they are… I can’t be mad at God for whatever He’s doing. *sigh* I just gotta pray for understanding...for revelation. If TG's doing what God says do, then I'm sure God should be telling me some things too right? *shrug*
So this grave feeling remains at the pit of my stomach all day… and I’m consumed by all of these thoughts and theories and blah…then I get a call around 4 from a really nice blog friend. *waving hi* And he’s just calling to check up on me. Lord knows I needed to just get my mind off of this madness. So we talk and talk…and talk. lol. In fact we talk all the way until I get off work, get in the car, sit in traffic, and get about 3 minutes from my house. He’s taken my mind off of Karen, Koki, and TG. I was so grateful. I was just focusing on life…and peace.
I live in the boonies, so anyone who knows me know that my celly does NOT work at home. So I gave my blog friend my home number and told him to call me in 5 minutes. We hung up and my mind was free… I was just grateful that the sinking feeling in my stomach was gone. As I sped around the dangerous curves around my house, I see this girl walking down the street with two bags of luggage. I was going so fast I really just sped right on by her, but since I was already praying I said a quick prayer for her as I looked at her in my rearview mirror. “Lord, please protect her… Oh Jesus…”
Before I could get anymore of my prayer out I found myself whipping my car back around and heading back to her. That’s something I’d NEVER do alone…on THAT street. I had NO cell phone reception. The way the street is made, it’s just trees, a creek, and a lot of unknowns. It's seriously a street out of a scary movie with the winding trees glooming over the unlit street. That's why I zoom through it usually. Even in the daytime, that street gives me the creeps. My mom is so paranoid and unfortunately she’s rubbed off on me. I could hear her voice in my head as I searched for the girl. “and don’t you be picking up any strangers. I don’t care what they look like. Just pray for them, you never know, it could be a trap. She could have someone around the corner waiting for you to stop and help her and they pull a gun on you and kill you.” lol. Sad but hey, that’s what I’ve been taught. But “something” told me to just do it. That something was God.
I finally see the young girl…probably around my age walking in the middle of the street with two HUGE bags of luggage. I stop and ask her if she was okay. She said yes. I asked if she needed a ride, and she quickly contemplated whether I was a killer or not…and said yes. I put my hazard lights on and motioned for the stupid cars behind me to just GO around. (I KNOW they saw me trying to help this girl…why act stupid and just sit there…ain’t no cars coming). Her bags were soooooooo heavy. I put them in my trunk. If by chance she was a crazy killer, I wanted all her ropes, guns, duct tape and etc.. as FAR away from the front seat as possible.
I asked her where she was going. She said to the greyhound station. Blink…blink.
Um…yeah. I have NO idea where that is. Besides… "something" told me to whip the car BACK around and head towards home. My dad was there and I know he’d know what to do.
During the 3 minutes to my house, I found out that she has only been in Atlanta for 5 days and she’s just ready to go back home to Cali and be with her mother. The way she was just walking down the street led me to believe that this wasn’t some planned incident. No one just takes of walking down THAT street. The nearest bus station (if she even knew where she was going and she didn’t cuz she told me) is about 10-15 minutes away… DRIVING. I figured someone threw her out. A boyfriend maybe. I was gonna ask her all that later. I was at my house.
I told her to sit tight, and asked her if she needed anything. She said no, while looking out the side mirror and squinting. There was a green SUV stopped right at the top of my driveway. She gets out and says…that’s my dad.
I’m like wth? What is going on. Your dad? Why was you walking down the street if your dad has a car? So he jumps out with his ID and a pen…and by that time, they exchange words and I’m out the car walking towards my door. My eagle eye dad comes flying out the house with no shirt or shoes on looking all country asking me what was going on. I tried to quickly fill him in, but was interrupted by her dad asking who WE were. lol
So her dad shows my dad his ID and says that this is his daughter and that she just walked out the house and if she wanna go…she can go, but he at least wanted get my tag number (lol) just in case.
So we’re all filled in. She’s talking to me and her dad is talking to my dad. And we find out what went down and why she was just walking her narrow butt down that dangerous street.
Apparently she’s been in Atlanta for 5 days. She moved down with her dad and his wife from Cali, where she’s lived her entire life with her mom and 12 brothers and sisters. From what we gathered…there’s 25 ppl up in Cali living in one house. (please re-read that sentence and let it sink in) So her dad sent for her to come live here since she just graduated high school last June and he figured she’d have a better chance of surviving in a nice house/environment with him. Well…dad and this young lady Cee… couldn’t seem to get along. So after a heated argument, she storms out, and he lets her. That’s where I unknowingly came in. It’s amazing how God can put you in the right place at the right time. Since me picking her up Thursday evening, my parents have both gotten involved and talked to her dad and his wife and we’ve had sort of a “family intervention/counseling” session with them AND her mother in Cali. I’m leaving out many details since I just realized that this post is all over the place and it’s super long… but it’s just amazing how I’ve been feeling horrible about not hearing God’s voice and wondering what it sounds like, and thought God hasn’t specifically answered me about my specific situation, He still managed to show me that when He speaks, I DO KNOW IT. I had no hesitations about picking up that lady because God specifically told ME to do it. I had NO hesitations taking her to my house because God told me to do it. I knew His voice. It was instictual almost. Loud and clear. And though I had a few reservations while doing it, I KNEW that I KNEW that this was the right thing to do. And from that, God used my family to help restore a father/daughter relationship that might have remained forever torn. Thank you Jesus.
Knowing that God still speaks to me is important. And though I may have missed the mark with TG, at least I know that He’s given me another chance to get it right with each new morning.
And as I reflect on things said earlier in this post… I realize that I do actually believe TG. After listening to his sister, I felt really played…and lied to. But I have a calm feeling about it all now. I do think TG loved me. And I do think he wanted to marry me. I have no idea why things shifted the way they did. I have no idea why things are they way they are now. I’m sad to admit that I’m still very hurt, and unfortunately a little bitter. But I also know that in time, God will reveal to me why I went through what I went through with him.
Single Mom asked me a question in the comments section. She asked if I asked God for His will to be done, or did I ask for a husband. Honestly, I asked for both. I asked that He guide me to the one He’s selected for me and that His will is done in my life. I asked Him to keep me from all that wished to harm me. And as far as I know…He has. I don’t think TG meant to harm me. Honestly I keep saying this cuz I really am confused.. lol I DON'T KNOW WHAT happened. Friday Dec. 30th, were discussing moving in together, getting married, preparing for the future. Sat Night/Sun Morning Dec 31/Jan1 we’re breaking up for no apparent reason except that something changed and we couldn’t figure out what it was or why. Next thing I know... 3 days later, he's saying God is telling him to make things right with his family. Was it God? Was it just him? I don't know. All i know is that things seem to be looking up for him. Which of course makes me happy since I do love him and honestly want the best for him. But it SUCKS SO MUCH to know he's doing better WITHOUT me. lol. And I'm not doing too well. *shrug*
Either way, I pray that God directs TG's and Karen's footsteps. For TG's sake, I hope that their marriage is successful this time. Because if not, he messed up a REALLY GOOD thing with us. And it will only be his loss... cuz i know God's gonna hook me up with someone down the road.
The good thing I do see out of all of this is that God restored a family. Whether I want to admit it or not, that was TG's wife. That was his family. So, at least they’re back together now.
It leaves me in the rain, but I know God has something great in store for me. I have renewed faith that God will give me more than I could possibly imagine….and in time, I’ll know why things happened the way they did.
Continue to keep me in your prayers.
My mom told me that TG’s sister called me around midnight last Wednesday night/Thursday morning on HER phone.
This shocked me as well as my mom because while Koki and I are cool, She rarely calls me. So I made it a point to give her a call back yesterday (Thursday) at work.
She knows about TG and I. I called her last week to thank her for being such a good sister for the time TG and I was together. She told me that she’s truly sorry for what her brother did, and in her eyes, I’ll aways be her sister.
It brought a tear to my eye. His family really did like me. And I liked them. It’s unfortunate they won’t be my in-laws.
So anyways I call her around 11am yesterday, and she pretty much told me she was only calling to check on me. That “check-up” turned into an hour and a half conversation about TG…Karen (his ex wife)…me …the kids….and some other stuff I’ve failed to mention in this blog.
Koki gave me an earful. With each word my stomach tightened up and I felt more and more hurt. The things she told me about TG hurt me. How can the man she’s describing be the man that I’ve spent almost the last year with? This sounds nothing like him. I wish I would have known all this BEFORE we got serious. WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME this is typical TG stuff? Anyways… she tells me she loves her brother, and she thought he was better, but apparently he’s either MENTAL or he’s an habitual uncontrollable liar and in her words, TG and Karen deserve each other cuz they both crazy.
What about all this God stuff? What about all those many nights we prayed together about our future and the ministry God placed in us…and yada yada… That was all fake?
That’s hard for me to believe. Anyways…the convo with her left a bad taste in my mouth. I don’t know whether to believe her or not. Half of what she says makes sense…but half of it doesn’t. Our convo ended when TG called me around 12:30ish.
He didn’t want anything. Just to tell me that it was beautiful outside and that if he was close to my job, he’d pick up some subs and take me out to the park I once took him to over here and we’d have a picnic. Huh? Why would he say something like that to me?
I know I need to stop talking to him for a while. Cuz every time I hear his voice, I miss him. And he’s not making it any better.
Anyways, I burst his little fantasy up when I told him that I had just finished talking to Koki.
I know she gave you an earful. He uneasily remarked. He wanted to play it cool, but I know he was DYING for me to tell him what she said. He tried to do damage control by saying that “you know Koki, she always talking about something she doesn’t know about.” Little does he know. His beloved EX/Future wife Karen has been running her mouth to Koki too. His sister knows more than he’s giving her credit for. But I just said…uh. And left it at that.
He’s leaving for Columbus tonight (edit…this was last Thursday). Aint that something. This neegro needed no time to get over me. Bye Sway, Hi Karen. Just like that. It makes me question if we even had anything. How can you just so easily rid your mind and heart of me and move on so quickly? With each passing day, I began to get this uneasy feeling that I got played. BIG TIME.
And what makes it so bad is that he says God shifted his love. The reason he’s not feeling bad about leaving me is because God made him stop loving me…and gave him love for her. WTH? Are you serious? So now not only do you not CARE that I’m just left here hurting, but you’re saying that God is the reason you don’t CARE?????? *fuming*
I bite my tongue and leave it all alone because honestly, the way this thing has gone down, I don’t know anything anymore, everything seems like a lie…and nothing makes sense. I can’t comment too much cuz what if by some crazy chance TG is telling the truth? What if things are happening just as he says they are… I can’t be mad at God for whatever He’s doing. *sigh* I just gotta pray for understanding...for revelation. If TG's doing what God says do, then I'm sure God should be telling me some things too right? *shrug*
So this grave feeling remains at the pit of my stomach all day… and I’m consumed by all of these thoughts and theories and blah…then I get a call around 4 from a really nice blog friend. *waving hi* And he’s just calling to check up on me. Lord knows I needed to just get my mind off of this madness. So we talk and talk…and talk. lol. In fact we talk all the way until I get off work, get in the car, sit in traffic, and get about 3 minutes from my house. He’s taken my mind off of Karen, Koki, and TG. I was so grateful. I was just focusing on life…and peace.
I live in the boonies, so anyone who knows me know that my celly does NOT work at home. So I gave my blog friend my home number and told him to call me in 5 minutes. We hung up and my mind was free… I was just grateful that the sinking feeling in my stomach was gone. As I sped around the dangerous curves around my house, I see this girl walking down the street with two bags of luggage. I was going so fast I really just sped right on by her, but since I was already praying I said a quick prayer for her as I looked at her in my rearview mirror. “Lord, please protect her… Oh Jesus…”
Before I could get anymore of my prayer out I found myself whipping my car back around and heading back to her. That’s something I’d NEVER do alone…on THAT street. I had NO cell phone reception. The way the street is made, it’s just trees, a creek, and a lot of unknowns. It's seriously a street out of a scary movie with the winding trees glooming over the unlit street. That's why I zoom through it usually. Even in the daytime, that street gives me the creeps. My mom is so paranoid and unfortunately she’s rubbed off on me. I could hear her voice in my head as I searched for the girl. “and don’t you be picking up any strangers. I don’t care what they look like. Just pray for them, you never know, it could be a trap. She could have someone around the corner waiting for you to stop and help her and they pull a gun on you and kill you.” lol. Sad but hey, that’s what I’ve been taught. But “something” told me to just do it. That something was God.
I finally see the young girl…probably around my age walking in the middle of the street with two HUGE bags of luggage. I stop and ask her if she was okay. She said yes. I asked if she needed a ride, and she quickly contemplated whether I was a killer or not…and said yes. I put my hazard lights on and motioned for the stupid cars behind me to just GO around. (I KNOW they saw me trying to help this girl…why act stupid and just sit there…ain’t no cars coming). Her bags were soooooooo heavy. I put them in my trunk. If by chance she was a crazy killer, I wanted all her ropes, guns, duct tape and etc.. as FAR away from the front seat as possible.
I asked her where she was going. She said to the greyhound station. Blink…blink.
Um…yeah. I have NO idea where that is. Besides… "something" told me to whip the car BACK around and head towards home. My dad was there and I know he’d know what to do.
During the 3 minutes to my house, I found out that she has only been in Atlanta for 5 days and she’s just ready to go back home to Cali and be with her mother. The way she was just walking down the street led me to believe that this wasn’t some planned incident. No one just takes of walking down THAT street. The nearest bus station (if she even knew where she was going and she didn’t cuz she told me) is about 10-15 minutes away… DRIVING. I figured someone threw her out. A boyfriend maybe. I was gonna ask her all that later. I was at my house.
I told her to sit tight, and asked her if she needed anything. She said no, while looking out the side mirror and squinting. There was a green SUV stopped right at the top of my driveway. She gets out and says…that’s my dad.
I’m like wth? What is going on. Your dad? Why was you walking down the street if your dad has a car? So he jumps out with his ID and a pen…and by that time, they exchange words and I’m out the car walking towards my door. My eagle eye dad comes flying out the house with no shirt or shoes on looking all country asking me what was going on. I tried to quickly fill him in, but was interrupted by her dad asking who WE were. lol
So her dad shows my dad his ID and says that this is his daughter and that she just walked out the house and if she wanna go…she can go, but he at least wanted get my tag number (lol) just in case.
So we’re all filled in. She’s talking to me and her dad is talking to my dad. And we find out what went down and why she was just walking her narrow butt down that dangerous street.
Apparently she’s been in Atlanta for 5 days. She moved down with her dad and his wife from Cali, where she’s lived her entire life with her mom and 12 brothers and sisters. From what we gathered…there’s 25 ppl up in Cali living in one house. (please re-read that sentence and let it sink in) So her dad sent for her to come live here since she just graduated high school last June and he figured she’d have a better chance of surviving in a nice house/environment with him. Well…dad and this young lady Cee… couldn’t seem to get along. So after a heated argument, she storms out, and he lets her. That’s where I unknowingly came in. It’s amazing how God can put you in the right place at the right time. Since me picking her up Thursday evening, my parents have both gotten involved and talked to her dad and his wife and we’ve had sort of a “family intervention/counseling” session with them AND her mother in Cali. I’m leaving out many details since I just realized that this post is all over the place and it’s super long… but it’s just amazing how I’ve been feeling horrible about not hearing God’s voice and wondering what it sounds like, and thought God hasn’t specifically answered me about my specific situation, He still managed to show me that when He speaks, I DO KNOW IT. I had no hesitations about picking up that lady because God specifically told ME to do it. I had NO hesitations taking her to my house because God told me to do it. I knew His voice. It was instictual almost. Loud and clear. And though I had a few reservations while doing it, I KNEW that I KNEW that this was the right thing to do. And from that, God used my family to help restore a father/daughter relationship that might have remained forever torn. Thank you Jesus.
Knowing that God still speaks to me is important. And though I may have missed the mark with TG, at least I know that He’s given me another chance to get it right with each new morning.
And as I reflect on things said earlier in this post… I realize that I do actually believe TG. After listening to his sister, I felt really played…and lied to. But I have a calm feeling about it all now. I do think TG loved me. And I do think he wanted to marry me. I have no idea why things shifted the way they did. I have no idea why things are they way they are now. I’m sad to admit that I’m still very hurt, and unfortunately a little bitter. But I also know that in time, God will reveal to me why I went through what I went through with him.
Single Mom asked me a question in the comments section. She asked if I asked God for His will to be done, or did I ask for a husband. Honestly, I asked for both. I asked that He guide me to the one He’s selected for me and that His will is done in my life. I asked Him to keep me from all that wished to harm me. And as far as I know…He has. I don’t think TG meant to harm me. Honestly I keep saying this cuz I really am confused.. lol I DON'T KNOW WHAT happened. Friday Dec. 30th, were discussing moving in together, getting married, preparing for the future. Sat Night/Sun Morning Dec 31/Jan1 we’re breaking up for no apparent reason except that something changed and we couldn’t figure out what it was or why. Next thing I know... 3 days later, he's saying God is telling him to make things right with his family. Was it God? Was it just him? I don't know. All i know is that things seem to be looking up for him. Which of course makes me happy since I do love him and honestly want the best for him. But it SUCKS SO MUCH to know he's doing better WITHOUT me. lol. And I'm not doing too well. *shrug*
Either way, I pray that God directs TG's and Karen's footsteps. For TG's sake, I hope that their marriage is successful this time. Because if not, he messed up a REALLY GOOD thing with us. And it will only be his loss... cuz i know God's gonna hook me up with someone down the road.
The good thing I do see out of all of this is that God restored a family. Whether I want to admit it or not, that was TG's wife. That was his family. So, at least they’re back together now.
It leaves me in the rain, but I know God has something great in store for me. I have renewed faith that God will give me more than I could possibly imagine….and in time, I’ll know why things happened the way they did.
Continue to keep me in your prayers.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Soul Searching and Goodbyes
I’m not gone, but I am hiding myself for a while. When sudden experiences shift your life in such a way it has mine, one learns to retreat and regroup.
I had many questions. Still do really. I’ve never been as confident in something as I was my relationship with TG…and to have that torn in front of my very eyes…without an understandable reason left me rightfully confused…hurt…and angry.
The anger quickly subsided, as the Greater One within me does not permit me to stay that way for long. But confusion did reign right next to disappointment, and humiliation. I never thought I’d feel this many negative emotions about something I KNOW I heard from God.
That’s why I had to go back to my secret place…get on my knees and ask God what’s going on.
I still don’t hear anything. Yet I know that something went wrong.
God doesn’t lie or fail, which only leads me to believe one of two things…
1. I didn’t hear God correctly when I thought TG was the one for me.
or
2. I heard God just fine, and we’ll be together sometime in the future.
To be honest, the way things were left, I am gonna have to go with the former.
I made a mistake. A terrible mistake. A mistake that I am gravely paying for. A mistake I NEVER want to make again. I pray I never make this mistake again. It cost me more than I wanted to pay. So where do I go from here??
TG came to my job today to give me the rest of my stuff back. I did the same. Usually, when a relationship ends, I like the last sight of me to be a good one. I usually fix myself up EXTRA nice… look great, smell great, looking nonchalant….not even letting them know I care.
Not with TG. I look just how I feel. In fact, I looked so bad today, he’s probably GLAD we’re not together. It was awkward seeing the man I never thought would leave, preparing to leave. I hadn’t seen him since New Years. He still looked like my husband. I think that hurt the most. I sure wanted to feel differently about him. To see him and feel nothing. It didn’t happen. He apologized for the umpteen time and told me that he’s gonna give me all of his numbers just in case I ever need him, or wanna see how he’s doing. I know I won’t call. I think he knows it too.
I didn’t have much to say. I knew I wouldn’t. Everything that would have came out would have came out angry, hurt, and in chunks because I’m sure I would have gotten all emotional. I tried hard not too look at him, not to make this hard. Not to tell him how I felt and not to cry. I was good up until the “goodbye hug”. Those arms I’ll never feel again. My head habitually fell on his chest and I realized it’ll never do that again. I’ll never smell him again. The reality set in so heavily that tears began to flow before I could even turn and say goodbye. I shook myself away from him and went to my car. He drove off, oblivious to the fact that my world was shook. I am seriously broken. I thought that I’d be better by now. But this final goodbye did more to me than I thought it would.
I wrote him a letter this morning. I knew we were doing the “exchange” thing today…and I still had stuff I needed him to know.
He called me an hour after leaving me in sobs to tell me he made it home safely and that he read my letter. No words could explain how excruciatingly hurtful it is to just sit by and watch the love of your life walk OUT of your life. But I would never beg anyone to stay. I wouldn’t want him to if I had to beg him. So my lips rested themselves as he awkwardly tried to respond to my letter. He told me there would always be a special place for me in his heart. He wished me the best. I tried to do the same…but it didn’t come out.
We said our goodbyes.
Now I’m at my desk again. Wiping familiar tears from my cheek. Listening to my inspirational Gospel music. Praying that God mends my heart and mind quickly.
Still soul searching.
Still wondering what God’s voice sound like.
Still wondering how I’ll know when I hear it.
Still wondering if I did hear it.
Still wondering…
I had many questions. Still do really. I’ve never been as confident in something as I was my relationship with TG…and to have that torn in front of my very eyes…without an understandable reason left me rightfully confused…hurt…and angry.
The anger quickly subsided, as the Greater One within me does not permit me to stay that way for long. But confusion did reign right next to disappointment, and humiliation. I never thought I’d feel this many negative emotions about something I KNOW I heard from God.
That’s why I had to go back to my secret place…get on my knees and ask God what’s going on.
I still don’t hear anything. Yet I know that something went wrong.
God doesn’t lie or fail, which only leads me to believe one of two things…
1. I didn’t hear God correctly when I thought TG was the one for me.
or
2. I heard God just fine, and we’ll be together sometime in the future.
To be honest, the way things were left, I am gonna have to go with the former.
I made a mistake. A terrible mistake. A mistake that I am gravely paying for. A mistake I NEVER want to make again. I pray I never make this mistake again. It cost me more than I wanted to pay. So where do I go from here??
TG came to my job today to give me the rest of my stuff back. I did the same. Usually, when a relationship ends, I like the last sight of me to be a good one. I usually fix myself up EXTRA nice… look great, smell great, looking nonchalant….not even letting them know I care.
Not with TG. I look just how I feel. In fact, I looked so bad today, he’s probably GLAD we’re not together. It was awkward seeing the man I never thought would leave, preparing to leave. I hadn’t seen him since New Years. He still looked like my husband. I think that hurt the most. I sure wanted to feel differently about him. To see him and feel nothing. It didn’t happen. He apologized for the umpteen time and told me that he’s gonna give me all of his numbers just in case I ever need him, or wanna see how he’s doing. I know I won’t call. I think he knows it too.
I didn’t have much to say. I knew I wouldn’t. Everything that would have came out would have came out angry, hurt, and in chunks because I’m sure I would have gotten all emotional. I tried hard not too look at him, not to make this hard. Not to tell him how I felt and not to cry. I was good up until the “goodbye hug”. Those arms I’ll never feel again. My head habitually fell on his chest and I realized it’ll never do that again. I’ll never smell him again. The reality set in so heavily that tears began to flow before I could even turn and say goodbye. I shook myself away from him and went to my car. He drove off, oblivious to the fact that my world was shook. I am seriously broken. I thought that I’d be better by now. But this final goodbye did more to me than I thought it would.
I wrote him a letter this morning. I knew we were doing the “exchange” thing today…and I still had stuff I needed him to know.
He called me an hour after leaving me in sobs to tell me he made it home safely and that he read my letter. No words could explain how excruciatingly hurtful it is to just sit by and watch the love of your life walk OUT of your life. But I would never beg anyone to stay. I wouldn’t want him to if I had to beg him. So my lips rested themselves as he awkwardly tried to respond to my letter. He told me there would always be a special place for me in his heart. He wished me the best. I tried to do the same…but it didn’t come out.
We said our goodbyes.
Now I’m at my desk again. Wiping familiar tears from my cheek. Listening to my inspirational Gospel music. Praying that God mends my heart and mind quickly.
Still soul searching.
Still wondering what God’s voice sound like.
Still wondering how I’ll know when I hear it.
Still wondering if I did hear it.
Still wondering…
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Happy New Year???
I must say, just when i feel like i'm victorious over one trial, another one comes and knocks me down.
I wasn't expecting this kind of hit. Nope. I was totally and completely blindsided.
TG and I broke up. And I don't know why. This man was my soulmate. This man was the one i was supposed to marry. He knows it and I know it.
I really felt that God lead us to each other. He felt that God specifically told him that I was his wife. Yet saturday night while everyone else was celebrating the new year, TG and I were giving each other back our car and house keys and saying akward goodbyes. That's something i NEVER thought i'd say to him.
How can something that made me a better woman and him a better man be wrong?
Why didn't God let us break up 5 months ago when I asked God to get him out of my life immediately if he wasn't the one?
Why now? When our circumstance kinda require us to be tied to each other for the rest of our lives, even if we AREN'T together?
To be honest, I still don't understand why we didn't work. Why we're not together, like we both know we're supposed to be.
He said he's sorry for hurting me and that he still loves me. He never meant for any of this to happen. He said he had every intention of marrying me. Just like he'd promised me over and over again.
But he also said his feelings just....shifted. His mind just....changed. Since spending christmas with his children, and seeing how much they need him, He wanted to try and make his family work again. Although for the last 8 years, he's been trying, he feels this time, it'll work.
How can i compete with that?
I think the better question is WHY was i competing in the first place?
How come I had to come into his life before they (he and his ex) can finally work. I don't understand that? If God wanted them together, then why all the prophesies, visions, feelings of love, knowing, etc... happen between us? Why did it take me getting hurt, before they could reconcile their differences? Why me? Someone that was seriously trying to do right, seriously trying to make good decisions, someone who seriously sought God before getting into this relationship....why am I the one hurting?
I've been in serious relationships before. I've had my heart broken before. But what usually gets me through it is knowing that God will send me someone better. Knowing that the relationship wasn't really all that good for me anyways. Knowning that when God sends me the right person, i'll know and he'll know.
Well this time, I can't say that. I'm still stuck on the fact that I REALLY THOUGHT God sent me TG. And our relationship WAS good for us. I prayed and fasted more last year with TG than i ever did. I was sincerely grateful to God for everything, AND for the first time in my life, i finally saw how God's will for my life was being manifested. I saw our ministry that God so richly gave us. We fit in ministry just as well as we fit in the natural.
Yet it didn't work. And it's left me so confused.
I gotta admit. I was shoooooooook. Not just heartbroken. My FAITH was shook. Not only was this me trusting TG, it was me trusting God. I prayed to God before i met TG for my husband. I told Him i wanted no one BUT who HE(God) had for me. I asked Him to keep all others away. I sincerely just wanted my husband. Then TG came. We prayed. We asked God if "this was it". We thought we heard yes. We thanked God for 9 months... and then now... TG has a change of heart? I don' t get it.
My first reaction was, God...how could this be? You SAID...."yada yada yada" and I thought "yada yada yada". Why is this happening?
That's where i've been this past week. Trying to pick up the pieces of my fantasy turned nightmare.
Sometimes I hurt so much I can't even praise God and there are times when I really thought that He had forsaken me. But then I remembered that He's always here.
I still have no idea why this happened or what's gonna happen next.
I still have no idea when God will give me my husband or even if TG is my husband.
I still have no idea about anything anymore. Everything I thought I knew, I don't know. Everything I thought I heard, I'm not sure of. Everything I had faith in God about, has seemed to not happen. Seems to me that I have every reason to pack up my religious bags...and go.
My flesh wants so badly to tell me, "See girl, all this being good and doing God's will stuff didn't pay off one bit. You coulda did what u wanted to do and got these results!"
In fact, when I was doing what i wanted to do, my results were better. My heartbreak wasn't has bad, my situation wasn't as critical. But that's just what the devil wants. He wants me to Give up. He wants my faith in God to be shattered. He wants me to go back to the old me.
But I can't.
God didn't give up on me, and I won't give up on Him.
I know that no matter what, God is STILL worthy of all my praise.
He's still on the throne. He still rules. He is still God. He's able to do above and beyond anything i could ever ask or think.
My heart is broken, but God will mend it.
My dreams are shattered, but God will fix it.
I don't understand anything, but God will work it out for my good.
It's easy to Love God and have faith when all is going your way. But on days like today, when NOTHING seems right...and everything seems wrong... that's when God is looking at you, wondering if you still trust Him.
God i trust You.
I love You.
I'm hurting, but I know You'll love me through my pain.
I know You'll bring me out victoriously.
I know that the suffering of this present time can not be compared to the reward You're gonna give to me.
I know You have my best interest at heart.
I know You won't put more on me than i can bear.
I know that You are all i need.
Help me to understand and have peace with whatever comes my way...and doesn't go my way. Help me to know that You are here and see every tear. I know You care. Thank you for this revelation.
Ya'll keep me in your prayers. Thanks for the support and encouraging words throughout TG and my relationship. Now that it's over, continue to pray that God guides my steps, mends my heart, and comfort my soul. Also pray that I hear Him clearer the next time around.
~Sway
I wasn't expecting this kind of hit. Nope. I was totally and completely blindsided.
TG and I broke up. And I don't know why. This man was my soulmate. This man was the one i was supposed to marry. He knows it and I know it.
I really felt that God lead us to each other. He felt that God specifically told him that I was his wife. Yet saturday night while everyone else was celebrating the new year, TG and I were giving each other back our car and house keys and saying akward goodbyes. That's something i NEVER thought i'd say to him.
How can something that made me a better woman and him a better man be wrong?
Why didn't God let us break up 5 months ago when I asked God to get him out of my life immediately if he wasn't the one?
Why now? When our circumstance kinda require us to be tied to each other for the rest of our lives, even if we AREN'T together?
To be honest, I still don't understand why we didn't work. Why we're not together, like we both know we're supposed to be.
He said he's sorry for hurting me and that he still loves me. He never meant for any of this to happen. He said he had every intention of marrying me. Just like he'd promised me over and over again.
But he also said his feelings just....shifted. His mind just....changed. Since spending christmas with his children, and seeing how much they need him, He wanted to try and make his family work again. Although for the last 8 years, he's been trying, he feels this time, it'll work.
How can i compete with that?
I think the better question is WHY was i competing in the first place?
How come I had to come into his life before they (he and his ex) can finally work. I don't understand that? If God wanted them together, then why all the prophesies, visions, feelings of love, knowing, etc... happen between us? Why did it take me getting hurt, before they could reconcile their differences? Why me? Someone that was seriously trying to do right, seriously trying to make good decisions, someone who seriously sought God before getting into this relationship....why am I the one hurting?
I've been in serious relationships before. I've had my heart broken before. But what usually gets me through it is knowing that God will send me someone better. Knowing that the relationship wasn't really all that good for me anyways. Knowning that when God sends me the right person, i'll know and he'll know.
Well this time, I can't say that. I'm still stuck on the fact that I REALLY THOUGHT God sent me TG. And our relationship WAS good for us. I prayed and fasted more last year with TG than i ever did. I was sincerely grateful to God for everything, AND for the first time in my life, i finally saw how God's will for my life was being manifested. I saw our ministry that God so richly gave us. We fit in ministry just as well as we fit in the natural.
Yet it didn't work. And it's left me so confused.
I gotta admit. I was shoooooooook. Not just heartbroken. My FAITH was shook. Not only was this me trusting TG, it was me trusting God. I prayed to God before i met TG for my husband. I told Him i wanted no one BUT who HE(God) had for me. I asked Him to keep all others away. I sincerely just wanted my husband. Then TG came. We prayed. We asked God if "this was it". We thought we heard yes. We thanked God for 9 months... and then now... TG has a change of heart? I don' t get it.
My first reaction was, God...how could this be? You SAID...."yada yada yada" and I thought "yada yada yada". Why is this happening?
That's where i've been this past week. Trying to pick up the pieces of my fantasy turned nightmare.
Sometimes I hurt so much I can't even praise God and there are times when I really thought that He had forsaken me. But then I remembered that He's always here.
I still have no idea why this happened or what's gonna happen next.
I still have no idea when God will give me my husband or even if TG is my husband.
I still have no idea about anything anymore. Everything I thought I knew, I don't know. Everything I thought I heard, I'm not sure of. Everything I had faith in God about, has seemed to not happen. Seems to me that I have every reason to pack up my religious bags...and go.
My flesh wants so badly to tell me, "See girl, all this being good and doing God's will stuff didn't pay off one bit. You coulda did what u wanted to do and got these results!"
In fact, when I was doing what i wanted to do, my results were better. My heartbreak wasn't has bad, my situation wasn't as critical. But that's just what the devil wants. He wants me to Give up. He wants my faith in God to be shattered. He wants me to go back to the old me.
But I can't.
God didn't give up on me, and I won't give up on Him.
I know that no matter what, God is STILL worthy of all my praise.
He's still on the throne. He still rules. He is still God. He's able to do above and beyond anything i could ever ask or think.
My heart is broken, but God will mend it.
My dreams are shattered, but God will fix it.
I don't understand anything, but God will work it out for my good.
It's easy to Love God and have faith when all is going your way. But on days like today, when NOTHING seems right...and everything seems wrong... that's when God is looking at you, wondering if you still trust Him.
God i trust You.
I love You.
I'm hurting, but I know You'll love me through my pain.
I know You'll bring me out victoriously.
I know that the suffering of this present time can not be compared to the reward You're gonna give to me.
I know You have my best interest at heart.
I know You won't put more on me than i can bear.
I know that You are all i need.
Help me to understand and have peace with whatever comes my way...and doesn't go my way. Help me to know that You are here and see every tear. I know You care. Thank you for this revelation.
Ya'll keep me in your prayers. Thanks for the support and encouraging words throughout TG and my relationship. Now that it's over, continue to pray that God guides my steps, mends my heart, and comfort my soul. Also pray that I hear Him clearer the next time around.
~Sway
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