I'm usually crunk on thursdays. *yawn* Today... i'm just chillin. I'm still happy. I mean really.... how can you be mad on the day before a wonderful friday that just happens to be payday, date night with your significant other, and the night you can sleep in until you feel like it? Exactly.
But i'm just um exhausted. Man, I met with this new group last night to see if i would be interested in singing with them and i didn't leave them until midnight. The talent these 3 singers had was off-da-chain! Like...for real. And as a singer, i don't say that about many people. But this one girl was RAW. I'm talking ...i ain't neva heard a voice like hers. FLAWLESS. Beyonce ain't have NOTHING on this girl. So of course I was like...heck yeah i'll join. Well honestly, I didn't have a choice. lol I was told that i can come "check them out"...which to me means, listen to them, ask questions, shoot the breeze, then decide what was up.
NUNNA that went down. As soon as i step foot in the door, i was greeted by a "hey girl"...a hug..and a mic pushed into my hand. 15 minutes later, I had "learned" about 4 of their songs. I guess they liked me. Everything was great. We sound AMAZING. I'm saying... the 2 girls had some voices on them. "Beyonce" sounded better than the real one. I can't describe her voice... it was so great. Runs like Beyonce and Kim Burrell, power like Whitney (b4 bobby, whitney not "crack is wack" whitney) and Mariah (again, black dress dark hair mariah, not blonde hair, string bikini mariah) clarity like India Arie and softness like Denise Williams. Girl was BAD. I mean she had it all. *end of jock mode* The other girl wasn't as Flawless...but she was bad. She had a Lauren Hill meet Macy Gray thing going on. lol. It was interesting, but i liked it. And ole dude...he sound like um...pretty much like the rest of the r&b male artist. Alluvem. lol So the mix was hott...
And then it happened.
DRAMA.
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!!!!!!!!!
I HATE drama. Ole "Beyonce" decided she wanted to get into it with the songwriter/group starter/keyboard player although we had another one/ guy. So they over there getting mad at each other and fussing and fighting... all while in 10 minutes we're supposed to be meeting the producers at "Stankonia", Big Boi's studio....and my behind is new to the group... I'own know the songs!! Stop all ya'll fighting and help me with my doggone NOTE please!!! We're a gospel group. Granted the sound of the music is very neo-soul-ish and jazzy...which is right up my ally. So I was definitely feeling the songs...but c'mon ya'll...are ya'll really LISTENING to the words we're supposed to be singing. How are you gonna be singing "Bow before the King" and then while someone else is singing their part, you up in somebody's face pretty much cursing them out? Huh? I was confused. Is this not a ministry? Is this not God we're talking about? geez.
So i was turned off with that. Aaanywho...we went to tha studio...and honestly... i was like... this is it? this is the studio? Big boi's studio? Hmmm....
Picture it.... Small brick building, one of those black iron screens in front of the door. Raggedy steps..."ghetto grass"...(u know the grass is different in the ghetto) and about 8 dudes outside the joint eating chicken and fries, with some beer in hand. Inside it was 3 guys and a girl, the entire place smelled like "herbs". They all was chinky eyed and eating nachos, tacos, and anything they could get their hands on. And the girl looked like she was a strokers scrippa. She all up on the producer, telling him she ready to go...and he looking irritated that he can't just up and leave cuz he gotta hear us... and there's us... 11 at night... trying to let the producers hear our gospel song. *blink, blink*
There's no need to tell you how it went. They weren't trying to hear gospel...although we sounded WAAAANDAFUL. They gave us props and asked us how far left we were willing to venture cuz they could definitly get us in the studio and out in the business if we considered making it even more contemporary. He gave us a whole spill on whats "marketable" and how we can "all win" if we just compromise this and that...and yada yada...
I had already grabbed my purse by the time he asked how far left we were willing to venture. I pretty much tuned out the rest of his speech. If i wanted to sing R&B, I'd be at LaFace as we speak. I wanna sing GOSPEL. Don't gimme that compromise junk. *Sigh*
So... by the time we got out of that meeting... I was tired. Tired of "Beyonce" and her irritating nagging... tired of being around all that smoke and negative spirits, and tired cuz it's midnight and I had to come to work today. So........
I called TG while driving home. Told him about my night. And then had the nerve to stay on the phone an hour after I got home. *yawn*
But nevertheless... I'm good. I can't wait to get some sleep though. I've already taken 2 - 15 minute power naps in the bathroom and it's just 10:50am. *yawn*
Guess I won't be joining that group unless some thangs change...
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
The cat sure doesn't have my tongue...
warning: this post is extremely long. i didn't mean it to be... it just is. sorry!
I’ve only been at work for one hour and I’m already ready to head home. I did enough work last week to take today AND tomorrow off. Unfortunately, my employer probably doesn’t think so…which is why I’m here. Yawning and wishing that I was a coffee drinker. Right now would be a great time to get a cup of caffeine and sugared-down coffee. *sigh* Well… I only have what….14 more hours before bedtime.
You KNOW it’s bad when on Sunday night you’re already wishing it was Friday night so that you can sleep late on Saturday morning since that’s the next time you’ll be able to get some rest.
I know, I know, I'm always tiiiiiiide. But this time it's different. I'm physically full. Emotionally full. Financially full. And so spiritually full that i really do feel drained in all aspects of the word. I need time to recover. This past weekend was amazing. I know my last post was kinda heavy. Last week was R.O.U.G.H.! Real rough. By Wednesday, I pretty much told TG to go on back to Columbus and try to make it work with his ex. To me that seemed like the easiest solution to all of our problems collectively although i knew neither of us would be happy relationship wise. And by Wednesday, he was about ready to go on back to Columbus… to be closer to the boy…(although he was thoroughly pissed @ me for suggesting he get back with his ex..lol)
But we realized that we were being attacked because we were on to something good...so we pushed through it, prayed and fasted together on Thursday and it seems like as soon as we did, everything started falling in place. Since Thursday, we’ve been on the phone all night talking about all of the blessings God has just placed in our lives. Everyday, it’s something new. Everyday God opened more doors. TG had no idea Friday on his way to work, that he would be hired on the spot by a company that he worked closely with on his old job and that this company would start him off with a significantly higher salary. So he has a new job. He’s a musician and he just got offered a position to play at an 8am service by a church close to his house, which is more money... AND he just met up with a producer who is offering him about $300-$450 per Saturday to play for his group. And this producer is hot right now. He has 2 songs that are on the charts as we speak. It just seems that the doors are being opened. I’ve also got an offer to sing in another group…I told them I’ll check them out Wednesday. If everything goes well…I’ll be singing with them too.
Not only did a financial blessing come through, but God did some major things with us as a couple as well. The hardship experience brought us closer together already… but God is setting up something major… it’s awe-some. I can't tell you details because it's so much...and so personal...but i'll just hit the surface.
My best friend got married this weekend. The wedding was sooooo beautiful. It was one of those fairy tale, mushy, lovey dovey weddings where almost everyone cried and it truly felt like this was a match made in heaven. I’ve been wanting to ask TG to come since he and I first got together, but it was on a Saturday, and usually on the weekends he goes to Columbus to get his son, AND/OR he’s at our practices/programs. So I just knew that he’d probably not be able to make it. Yet after the week we had, we just needed to be together Saturday. He said he wouldn’t have missed seeing me in my lil maid of honor dress for the world. I was glad he came…and so was my friends. lol It’s funny because as many guys as I have dated, and as many times I’ve brought guy friends to church, no one has ever received the kind of attention TG did. lol
Everybody just HAD to know who he was. Were we dating? How long? etc… We almost upstaged the actual bride and groom. Everyone just couldn’t get over how well we “fit”. The craziest thing is how about 80% of the people at my best friend’s wedding were telling US that we were next. Haha. Um… yeah. You have couples there that have been together for 3-4-5 years…. we only been dating for a few months. Why us? I mean, even the people who WANTED to get married was telling us that they thing we'll beat them to the altar. Everyone just say that they could see the genuine love we had for each other. They could see that we belonged together. We fit.
It’s a good feeling when others see what you already know. Then you know it’s not just you. It’s really real. People can see the love you share. Even with out you saying anything. That's beautiful. Everyone around us can tell that we were made for each other. It was exciting to see…to hear…to get feedback on. Even my parents like him. *still in shock* Well they didn’t come out and say, “hey, I like him”… but you gotta know my parents. Bringing a guy to their attention and they don’t talk trash about him or frown… then hey, they like him. lol And they know about him being divorce and with child. My parents would NEVER go for that under normal circumstances. Heck I would never go for that under normal circumstances. But what God has ordained…well…how you can argue with that?
It was beyond words… not only was Saturday confirmation within us, but Sunday was too.
He came to my church service on Sunday. My baby was fly as all get out. He had on this royal blue suit...matching from head to toe. That doggone suit fit him to the T! *whew* He was wearing that suit. *reminiscing* But yeah, lemme focus…*focus sway, focus* He got to church before I did. My church isn’t HUGE, but it’s a nice size. It's big enought that I could have went to church, looked for him, and not saw him. But when I pulled up, I went to park and parked right beside him *coincidence? Me thinks not. lol* I was like…yay! He showed up!!
So I go in, looking for him from the back and I don’t see him. I finally give up and start walking down the middle right aisle, when all of a sudden I see this fine brutha with a royal blue suit on. I couldn’t get to him because 1. Praise Service had just started and 2. He was sitting in the middle of his row. So I just went to the front row where my family and I always sit and got my praise on until welcome and encouragement time. That’s when I was able to get to him and sit with him. He happened to be sitting with the Porters. The Porters sing in the group that we are all in. In fact, they are the reason I even knew about the group and got in it. They’ve been married for a while, and have somehow taken a liking to both of us… even before TG and I got together, they used to call me their little sister, and him their little brother. Now that we’re together, they are even more elated.
Anywho… we’re at church together, everyone looking at us and a few nosey people had to know.. “girl...is that you?” lol.
After all the looks and behind the back “thumbs up signs” and blah….The Word went forth and it was RIGHT on time for us. He NEEDED that word…and I did too. He enjoyed church and said he’d definitely be back. After church, the Porters casually asked us what we were getting ready to do. Neither of us really had any plans, so they invited us to dinner. We had no idea that this was a set up.
I think this was the final draw. I’ve talked a lot about the Porters in my blog although I’ve never mentioned them by name. These two people are POWERFUL prophets. I mean, the things that they say to me are always on point. I mean, they just feel me at all the right times. When I’m praying about something, God lays it on their heart to call me and He uses them to say that very thing I needed to hear. So I should have known that us going to dinner with them after the weekend we already had was just a set up.
As soon as we got good into our dinner, Mrs. Porter asks… “So… what is it that ya’ll are praying about?”
I was so shocked by her blatant question that I choked on the steak I was eating. To others it may have seemed like a general question, but TG and I both knew what she meant. And even worse, she KNEW we knew what she meant. TG punked out and told her that we’d prolly say the exact same thing so he’ll let me answer… (ugh men. lol) So I chose my words carefully because although we’ve been getting confirmations since we met, and this weekend was just pretty much one big “Yes, ya’ll should gone and be together” nod. I still didn’t wanna have everybody knowing EXACTLY what we were thinking. So I think I stumbled out something like this,
“well, we’re praying that God order our footsteps…and um, well… TG and I are on one accord. We’re on the same page…we both know what’s going on…soo…..yeah. We’re just …yeah...taking it one step at a time. But we both know.”
lol. Apparently that was good enough for her because they then began to talk to us for about 2 hours IN THE RESTAURANT about what God is showing them about us and how they saw our whole future and how God put us together and etc. They also talked about how they got together and just the whole 9. I don’t wanna say all that was said in the convo but when I tell you that once TG and I left the restaurant, there was NO DOUBT that we are gonna get married please believe me. All the doubt and heartache and confusion we had just last week was washed away instantly. We know there may still be hard times, but that doubt of “well…is this really you God. Is she really… Is he really…” all of that is gone.
We were so full…all we could do the entire ride home was hold hands and tell each other we love each other. Nothing else could be said.
I really don’t know how I got to talking about TG and I. My intentions at first was to talk about my girl’s wedding. I guess I’ll do that later. lol
But… I dunno. Keep us in your prayers…that God direct our path and make it plain to us. And keep us focused so we don’t lose sight of what we know is right…and real.
Aight. I’m tiiiide. I’m out!
I’ve only been at work for one hour and I’m already ready to head home. I did enough work last week to take today AND tomorrow off. Unfortunately, my employer probably doesn’t think so…which is why I’m here. Yawning and wishing that I was a coffee drinker. Right now would be a great time to get a cup of caffeine and sugared-down coffee. *sigh* Well… I only have what….14 more hours before bedtime.
You KNOW it’s bad when on Sunday night you’re already wishing it was Friday night so that you can sleep late on Saturday morning since that’s the next time you’ll be able to get some rest.
I know, I know, I'm always tiiiiiiide. But this time it's different. I'm physically full. Emotionally full. Financially full. And so spiritually full that i really do feel drained in all aspects of the word. I need time to recover. This past weekend was amazing. I know my last post was kinda heavy. Last week was R.O.U.G.H.! Real rough. By Wednesday, I pretty much told TG to go on back to Columbus and try to make it work with his ex. To me that seemed like the easiest solution to all of our problems collectively although i knew neither of us would be happy relationship wise. And by Wednesday, he was about ready to go on back to Columbus… to be closer to the boy…(although he was thoroughly pissed @ me for suggesting he get back with his ex..lol)
But we realized that we were being attacked because we were on to something good...so we pushed through it, prayed and fasted together on Thursday and it seems like as soon as we did, everything started falling in place. Since Thursday, we’ve been on the phone all night talking about all of the blessings God has just placed in our lives. Everyday, it’s something new. Everyday God opened more doors. TG had no idea Friday on his way to work, that he would be hired on the spot by a company that he worked closely with on his old job and that this company would start him off with a significantly higher salary. So he has a new job. He’s a musician and he just got offered a position to play at an 8am service by a church close to his house, which is more money... AND he just met up with a producer who is offering him about $300-$450 per Saturday to play for his group. And this producer is hot right now. He has 2 songs that are on the charts as we speak. It just seems that the doors are being opened. I’ve also got an offer to sing in another group…I told them I’ll check them out Wednesday. If everything goes well…I’ll be singing with them too.
Not only did a financial blessing come through, but God did some major things with us as a couple as well. The hardship experience brought us closer together already… but God is setting up something major… it’s awe-some. I can't tell you details because it's so much...and so personal...but i'll just hit the surface.
My best friend got married this weekend. The wedding was sooooo beautiful. It was one of those fairy tale, mushy, lovey dovey weddings where almost everyone cried and it truly felt like this was a match made in heaven. I’ve been wanting to ask TG to come since he and I first got together, but it was on a Saturday, and usually on the weekends he goes to Columbus to get his son, AND/OR he’s at our practices/programs. So I just knew that he’d probably not be able to make it. Yet after the week we had, we just needed to be together Saturday. He said he wouldn’t have missed seeing me in my lil maid of honor dress for the world. I was glad he came…and so was my friends. lol It’s funny because as many guys as I have dated, and as many times I’ve brought guy friends to church, no one has ever received the kind of attention TG did. lol
Everybody just HAD to know who he was. Were we dating? How long? etc… We almost upstaged the actual bride and groom. Everyone just couldn’t get over how well we “fit”. The craziest thing is how about 80% of the people at my best friend’s wedding were telling US that we were next. Haha. Um… yeah. You have couples there that have been together for 3-4-5 years…. we only been dating for a few months. Why us? I mean, even the people who WANTED to get married was telling us that they thing we'll beat them to the altar. Everyone just say that they could see the genuine love we had for each other. They could see that we belonged together. We fit.
It’s a good feeling when others see what you already know. Then you know it’s not just you. It’s really real. People can see the love you share. Even with out you saying anything. That's beautiful. Everyone around us can tell that we were made for each other. It was exciting to see…to hear…to get feedback on. Even my parents like him. *still in shock* Well they didn’t come out and say, “hey, I like him”… but you gotta know my parents. Bringing a guy to their attention and they don’t talk trash about him or frown… then hey, they like him. lol And they know about him being divorce and with child. My parents would NEVER go for that under normal circumstances. Heck I would never go for that under normal circumstances. But what God has ordained…well…how you can argue with that?
It was beyond words… not only was Saturday confirmation within us, but Sunday was too.
He came to my church service on Sunday. My baby was fly as all get out. He had on this royal blue suit...matching from head to toe. That doggone suit fit him to the T! *whew* He was wearing that suit. *reminiscing* But yeah, lemme focus…*focus sway, focus* He got to church before I did. My church isn’t HUGE, but it’s a nice size. It's big enought that I could have went to church, looked for him, and not saw him. But when I pulled up, I went to park and parked right beside him *coincidence? Me thinks not. lol* I was like…yay! He showed up!!
So I go in, looking for him from the back and I don’t see him. I finally give up and start walking down the middle right aisle, when all of a sudden I see this fine brutha with a royal blue suit on. I couldn’t get to him because 1. Praise Service had just started and 2. He was sitting in the middle of his row. So I just went to the front row where my family and I always sit and got my praise on until welcome and encouragement time. That’s when I was able to get to him and sit with him. He happened to be sitting with the Porters. The Porters sing in the group that we are all in. In fact, they are the reason I even knew about the group and got in it. They’ve been married for a while, and have somehow taken a liking to both of us… even before TG and I got together, they used to call me their little sister, and him their little brother. Now that we’re together, they are even more elated.
Anywho… we’re at church together, everyone looking at us and a few nosey people had to know.. “girl...is that you?” lol.
After all the looks and behind the back “thumbs up signs” and blah….The Word went forth and it was RIGHT on time for us. He NEEDED that word…and I did too. He enjoyed church and said he’d definitely be back. After church, the Porters casually asked us what we were getting ready to do. Neither of us really had any plans, so they invited us to dinner. We had no idea that this was a set up.
I think this was the final draw. I’ve talked a lot about the Porters in my blog although I’ve never mentioned them by name. These two people are POWERFUL prophets. I mean, the things that they say to me are always on point. I mean, they just feel me at all the right times. When I’m praying about something, God lays it on their heart to call me and He uses them to say that very thing I needed to hear. So I should have known that us going to dinner with them after the weekend we already had was just a set up.
As soon as we got good into our dinner, Mrs. Porter asks… “So… what is it that ya’ll are praying about?”
I was so shocked by her blatant question that I choked on the steak I was eating. To others it may have seemed like a general question, but TG and I both knew what she meant. And even worse, she KNEW we knew what she meant. TG punked out and told her that we’d prolly say the exact same thing so he’ll let me answer… (ugh men. lol) So I chose my words carefully because although we’ve been getting confirmations since we met, and this weekend was just pretty much one big “Yes, ya’ll should gone and be together” nod. I still didn’t wanna have everybody knowing EXACTLY what we were thinking. So I think I stumbled out something like this,
“well, we’re praying that God order our footsteps…and um, well… TG and I are on one accord. We’re on the same page…we both know what’s going on…soo…..yeah. We’re just …yeah...taking it one step at a time. But we both know.”
lol. Apparently that was good enough for her because they then began to talk to us for about 2 hours IN THE RESTAURANT about what God is showing them about us and how they saw our whole future and how God put us together and etc. They also talked about how they got together and just the whole 9. I don’t wanna say all that was said in the convo but when I tell you that once TG and I left the restaurant, there was NO DOUBT that we are gonna get married please believe me. All the doubt and heartache and confusion we had just last week was washed away instantly. We know there may still be hard times, but that doubt of “well…is this really you God. Is she really… Is he really…” all of that is gone.
We were so full…all we could do the entire ride home was hold hands and tell each other we love each other. Nothing else could be said.
I really don’t know how I got to talking about TG and I. My intentions at first was to talk about my girl’s wedding. I guess I’ll do that later. lol
But… I dunno. Keep us in your prayers…that God direct our path and make it plain to us. And keep us focused so we don’t lose sight of what we know is right…and real.
Aight. I’m tiiiide. I’m out!
Thursday, June 23, 2005
U know what...
Love doesn’t pay the bills….
If I haven’t heard this from every woman I know over 35...!!!! I HATED this saying. I never understood why love didn’t conquer all like it did in the fairy tales. I mean, death (sleeping beauty), ugliness (beauty and the beast), poverty (Cinderella) .... NUNNA that mattered cuz they luuuuuuuuuved each other. *sighing dreamily*
Now that I’m older….i understand that saying. Just cuz u love somebody don’t mean that errythang is gonna be gravy. In fact they should’ve added a few more sentences to that saying… Love doesn’t guarantee that ya’ll gonna be together… and Love doesn’t mean problem-free.
Shoot….love doesn’t do and mean a lot of things. Yet we base our entire life off of it. Ain't that crazy? Love is crazy. No wonder they say we’re “falling in love”… lol Falling... when has falling EVER been a good thing? Love causes us to act a darn fool. Lose sight of rationale. Go contrary to our own crazy mind. Make mistakes we NEVER would have imagined. Love is some powerful ish. And I find my self being its slave. Giving in to its every command. Not being able to do anything about it.
Sometimes that’s a scary feeling. To KNOW better and watch yourself do something crazy. Such things just shouldn’t be… yet here I am. Crazy enough to fall for someone with just as much baggage as I have. lol
Sometimes I feel foolish. Sometimes I feel like I might regret taking this journey. But I can’t get off yet. I can’t stop now. I’m a slave. Even worse, I'm a freed slave. I can go... but won't. See, so much has transpired between TG and I since we got together. He was honest from jump. I knew what I was getting into. He has A LOT of baggage. And I thought I was woman enough to handle it. I thought our love would conquer it all. I figured that because our love and future looked so bright… that our present situations would just fall in line. Yeah… I believed the fairy tale. I believed that love was some super magical fairy dust that would somehow place us on the right road. But as the old folks say. Love don’t pay the bills… and love SURE doesn’t mean that everyday is a "good day".
We both struggling. I mean for real. Dang… my finances looking mighty thin…and with blow to ego in tact…HE can’t help me cuz his finances looking mighty thin too. He’s working… I’m working… but…dang… we got just enough to eat at applebee’s or something like that, buy a few DVD’s and have gas money to drive back and forth to see each other. lol. (Kidding...kinda. ) He’s frustrated cuz he can’t help me out. I’m frusturated cuz he can’t help me out. (tell the truth, shame the debbil. ha) And it is taking a toll on our relationship. He wanna move… I wanna move. And as much as I’d LOOOOOOOOVE to share a space with him and save money , I don’t believe in shackin’. Well… actually I do…but I know I’d feel convicted like a mug if I ever really did it. So we’re trying to move close to each other. *sigh* Everything seems hard right now. We’re still cool… there’s no riff in our relationship or anything... we still do our walks in the park and fairy tale candlelight dates, but um …outside circumstances that are making the love we share seem less…. important. Who cares about forehead kisses and cuddling when your water finna (yeah I’m country) get cut off? Who cares if a neegro calls and says “I was thinking ‘bout you”…when you need to pay “the woman” aka.. Sallie Mae like… ASAP. Love ain’t paying my bills. And it shole ain’t payin his!!
Life is interesting. Last year… a girl was PAID. I mean, fo' real, for real. I had a stash. Investments, Savings, Stock...errythang. My account was looking SEXY! And all i was doing was looking for someone to spend it on and with. A year later I got someone and my finances are lookin nastier than lil john’s mouth. *shuttering*
I’m kinda glad we’re facing a lot of our obstacles now. It lets me know what I’m in for should I choose to stay…and likewise it lets him know too. It helps us to learn about each other and the way we live our lives… I’m learning so much about myself…and him. I like it. Of course I’d MUCH rather have a heavy wallet. But hey, life is life. Roll with it.
Not only are the finances looking rugged. But this whole issue with his ex is driving me crazy. I now feel what Brutha was talking about in one of his posts on “THE EX”. His EX is getting on my *insert insurmountable amouts of curse words here* nerves! U.G.H!!! *gritting teeth* She always calling…always texting him….always talking about she and the boy miss him. Okay…it’s been 3 years. He moved to Atlanta to get away from you….he makes you take baby boy to his folks house and then he goes down and pick him up there just to avoid you….word of advice…get over it!! And now that she knows he’s with me…she’s been stepping up her game. I’m not really the jealous type but dang… a lady can only take so much before she straight snap on somebody. Ole girl need to slow her role. *sigh* I hate drama. Aaaaanywho…. It’s all good. Love is strong…but reality is stronger…
This relationship is …thick. It’s...full. Real life shole don't read like Walt Disney's books. But I ain’t giving up cuz thangs are hard…but um… I'm just pissed that "reality" didn’t let me float on cloud 9 too long before it hit. That ain’t cool. lol. And then… a few folks that I happen to let in on a few of my situations with TG say something like… guuuurl, you deserve better than that. Huh? So cuz i told you one bad thang...you know errythang that's going on huh? You can assess the situation by knowing one story huh? And better than what anyways? What does "i deserve better than that" even mean? What’s better? I mean… really…tell me, what do I deserve? I’ve always figured I’d be straight if I found a guy that truly loves me and who has my back in all aspects of the word…who can keep his focus on God first, then me…who can stimulate ever facet of my being… who can get down when it comes to the get down.. who I can trust, talk to, and depend on, and who’s willing to give me 100% of himself. TG is that guy… so…what’s the problem? *blink, blink* Sometimes I think we lose focus. We concentrate on the “WHATS” of people…i.e. he’s older, he’s been married, he’s a parent, he’s yada yada yada... and not the WHO.
Who he is is SOOO much more than those facts. Why doesn’t that matter? *shrug* Dah well... i really don't care about all that. I'm just trying to get myself straight. Wish me luck!
…but it sure helps to have someone to snuggle up against when your lights are off.
If I haven’t heard this from every woman I know over 35...!!!! I HATED this saying. I never understood why love didn’t conquer all like it did in the fairy tales. I mean, death (sleeping beauty), ugliness (beauty and the beast), poverty (Cinderella) .... NUNNA that mattered cuz they luuuuuuuuuved each other. *sighing dreamily*
Now that I’m older….i understand that saying. Just cuz u love somebody don’t mean that errythang is gonna be gravy. In fact they should’ve added a few more sentences to that saying… Love doesn’t guarantee that ya’ll gonna be together… and Love doesn’t mean problem-free.
Shoot….love doesn’t do and mean a lot of things. Yet we base our entire life off of it. Ain't that crazy? Love is crazy. No wonder they say we’re “falling in love”… lol Falling... when has falling EVER been a good thing? Love causes us to act a darn fool. Lose sight of rationale. Go contrary to our own crazy mind. Make mistakes we NEVER would have imagined. Love is some powerful ish. And I find my self being its slave. Giving in to its every command. Not being able to do anything about it.
Sometimes that’s a scary feeling. To KNOW better and watch yourself do something crazy. Such things just shouldn’t be… yet here I am. Crazy enough to fall for someone with just as much baggage as I have. lol
Sometimes I feel foolish. Sometimes I feel like I might regret taking this journey. But I can’t get off yet. I can’t stop now. I’m a slave. Even worse, I'm a freed slave. I can go... but won't. See, so much has transpired between TG and I since we got together. He was honest from jump. I knew what I was getting into. He has A LOT of baggage. And I thought I was woman enough to handle it. I thought our love would conquer it all. I figured that because our love and future looked so bright… that our present situations would just fall in line. Yeah… I believed the fairy tale. I believed that love was some super magical fairy dust that would somehow place us on the right road. But as the old folks say. Love don’t pay the bills… and love SURE doesn’t mean that everyday is a "good day".
We both struggling. I mean for real. Dang… my finances looking mighty thin…and with blow to ego in tact…HE can’t help me cuz his finances looking mighty thin too. He’s working… I’m working… but…dang… we got just enough to eat at applebee’s or something like that, buy a few DVD’s and have gas money to drive back and forth to see each other. lol. (Kidding...kinda. ) He’s frustrated cuz he can’t help me out. I’m frusturated cuz he can’t help me out. (tell the truth, shame the debbil. ha) And it is taking a toll on our relationship. He wanna move… I wanna move. And as much as I’d LOOOOOOOOVE to share a space with him and save money , I don’t believe in shackin’. Well… actually I do…but I know I’d feel convicted like a mug if I ever really did it. So we’re trying to move close to each other. *sigh* Everything seems hard right now. We’re still cool… there’s no riff in our relationship or anything... we still do our walks in the park and fairy tale candlelight dates, but um …outside circumstances that are making the love we share seem less…. important. Who cares about forehead kisses and cuddling when your water finna (yeah I’m country) get cut off? Who cares if a neegro calls and says “I was thinking ‘bout you”…when you need to pay “the woman” aka.. Sallie Mae like… ASAP. Love ain’t paying my bills. And it shole ain’t payin his!!
Life is interesting. Last year… a girl was PAID. I mean, fo' real, for real. I had a stash. Investments, Savings, Stock...errythang. My account was looking SEXY! And all i was doing was looking for someone to spend it on and with. A year later I got someone and my finances are lookin nastier than lil john’s mouth. *shuttering*
I’m kinda glad we’re facing a lot of our obstacles now. It lets me know what I’m in for should I choose to stay…and likewise it lets him know too. It helps us to learn about each other and the way we live our lives… I’m learning so much about myself…and him. I like it. Of course I’d MUCH rather have a heavy wallet. But hey, life is life. Roll with it.
Not only are the finances looking rugged. But this whole issue with his ex is driving me crazy. I now feel what Brutha was talking about in one of his posts on “THE EX”. His EX is getting on my *insert insurmountable amouts of curse words here* nerves! U.G.H!!! *gritting teeth* She always calling…always texting him….always talking about she and the boy miss him. Okay…it’s been 3 years. He moved to Atlanta to get away from you….he makes you take baby boy to his folks house and then he goes down and pick him up there just to avoid you….word of advice…get over it!! And now that she knows he’s with me…she’s been stepping up her game. I’m not really the jealous type but dang… a lady can only take so much before she straight snap on somebody. Ole girl need to slow her role. *sigh* I hate drama. Aaaaanywho…. It’s all good. Love is strong…but reality is stronger…
This relationship is …thick. It’s...full. Real life shole don't read like Walt Disney's books. But I ain’t giving up cuz thangs are hard…but um… I'm just pissed that "reality" didn’t let me float on cloud 9 too long before it hit. That ain’t cool. lol. And then… a few folks that I happen to let in on a few of my situations with TG say something like… guuuurl, you deserve better than that. Huh? So cuz i told you one bad thang...you know errythang that's going on huh? You can assess the situation by knowing one story huh? And better than what anyways? What does "i deserve better than that" even mean? What’s better? I mean… really…tell me, what do I deserve? I’ve always figured I’d be straight if I found a guy that truly loves me and who has my back in all aspects of the word…who can keep his focus on God first, then me…who can stimulate ever facet of my being… who can get down when it comes to the get down.. who I can trust, talk to, and depend on, and who’s willing to give me 100% of himself. TG is that guy… so…what’s the problem? *blink, blink* Sometimes I think we lose focus. We concentrate on the “WHATS” of people…i.e. he’s older, he’s been married, he’s a parent, he’s yada yada yada... and not the WHO.
Who he is is SOOO much more than those facts. Why doesn’t that matter? *shrug* Dah well... i really don't care about all that. I'm just trying to get myself straight. Wish me luck!
…but it sure helps to have someone to snuggle up against when your lights are off.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Venting - (i'd skip this one if i were you)
I’m not quite sure where to begin this beautiful hot Friday. Life is interesting right now. So much good…so much bad. So much joy, so much pain. I find life amusing… I mean, how come when it rains, it pours, but never have I had EVERYTHING to line up perfectly when things are going well. It’s like… if one or two of the aspects of my life is going well, then the 3rd one isn’t. And when the 3rd one finally does get better, then the first or 2nd one just gets worse. It’s amazing. I guess I just gotta ride it out. There will be problems. I just gotta make the best of it.
Fortunately for me, the thing which I’ve craved for the last 3 years has finally found me. Because of love, I feel as though I can overcome and conquer the other “not-so-good” areas in my life. Life is………life.
So my mom has just completed her first week of work and I’m sooooooo very proud of her. *clapping* I’ve been extra nice to her. Texting her mid-day to tell her that I love her and I hope her day is going well… making sure I clean up the way SHE likes it….and spending more of my evenings talking to her instead of coming in, going to my space and sealing myself from her and the world. I figured it would make her transition a little easier. NOW that we’ve took a step in the right direction, I gotta figure out a few more things… like… how to get my doggone credit back straight. Her not working hit me big time. A sista gotta duck and dodge the phone nowadays from all the nasty calls about these accruing bills I have neglected. Dang I gotta lot of debt. *smh* I wish I could go redo my college years. I’d stand up to moms more. Yeah… moms is the reason I’m haveing about 95% of my financial problems today. She’s never been good with money, and to “make up for it”, she decided she was gonna “help” me not make the same mistakes she did. In other words… she was gonna get her second chance to make it right for herself. However, all she succeeded in doing was messing mine up just as much as her own. Making me her puppet...charging her tires to my sears card...tricking me into thinking that she was gonna put all her family's christmas gifts on my riches, zales, lerners cards and that SHE'D pay it KNOWING i didn't have no real jobs in college. Yeah she paid it alright. *smirk* I hate that I listened to her. I hate that I didn't just say NO mom, NO! I’m too young to be struggling. I wish I would have just stood up to her and told her to leave my ish alone. Let me do me. But… at that time, I was solely dependant on them for food, shelter, and money. So… I kinda “gave her my birthright for a cup of soup”. Now I wish I hadn’t. But you live and you learn. I know now that when moms says something about helping me…and it has to do with money… just run the other way. FULL.SPEED. lol. She meant well but daaaang. *smh*
*sigh* Sooooooooo now… I’m starting over. And it’s really hard. Because for the last few years, I was progressing nicely. Taking care of bills…paying stuff off… saving… I mean.. .ya girl was doing it WAY big. But um… well …after her work hiatus… things just….. dropped…..stopped….. depleted….dwindled….reversed…. etc. My need to do what was best for the family actually really hurt what was best for ME. So now...i'm delayed in my "house buying" project. My credit is too bad for all that now. So *sigh* here i am. Sway.... a statistic.
And to top it all off... I wanna move out. MORE than ever before. I gotta go. I.GOTSTA.GO. So of course me moving out is gonna put an even bigger burden on me… because of my current fincancial situation. Well... i doubt i'd be paying OUT more because really, I’ve been giving my folks just as much a month as I would if I just got my own spot…and maybe even more…
The burden is that… what if they still need my help with the bills? And also…well…my momma is MAD crazy when it comes to me. I mean she does NOT want me to leave. EVER! Okay…maybe that’s an exaggeration. She wants me to leave when I get married….but not one day sooner. I can’t do it. So she'll be worrying me all the time and I know when i tell her i'm moving, it might put a strain on our relationship for a second. I can see it now.
Me: mom, I'm moving.
Her: Whuuuut? *frowning* Moving? You don't need to move now. It's not a good idea.
Me: Why?
Her: You got all these bills you need to pay. Lemme get on my feet so i can help. Then you can get a few properties so you can have some incoming coming in...THEN if you wanna move... move.
Me: *thinking- you've been saying this ish since i was 18...i'm tired of waiting..and since you done messed up OUR credit, neither one of us can afford to get no doggone properties, so leeeee'me 'lone.* Uh... well you can still help. But i need to move.
Her: Well fine then, *getting an attitude* You grown...do what u want. But i ain't helping. *stompin off and giving me the silent treatment*
Me: *feeling bad*
Yup...that's pretty much how i see it going. Well that's the more tame version anyways. lol. And lets not mention dating. Dating outta her house is crazy. I can't do it anymore. I’ve been wanting OUT of their house since I moved back in. And I’m afraid if I don’t go now… I won’t go. So pray for me. I gotta go. Even though it’s gonna be hard trying to play “catch up” and put some doggone furniture in the house… I gotta do it.
Then there’s TG….and his situation is…….. “special” too. lol. Taking on his set of issues and problems is taking just as much out of me as my own problems. I guess cuz his problems are my problems… and vice versa. I’m not quite sure how things got so serious so fast. I went in slow… I really did. Slow, steady, and sensible… that was my motto. I repeated it on the regular…but somehow… “the forces” pulled me in. *ha- I feel like I’m a star wars extra or something…t-h-e f-o-r-c-e-s…lol*
But it’s crazy…it’s like…we just…clicked… it just…works… it just …is… we just…ARE.
No matter how much I pump the brakes… it’s still hard to stop this explosion of togetherness. I can’t stop his feelings…and I can’t stop mine. And I’m not sure if I wanna. Even though we both have our own set of issues….baggage… whatever… we’ve kinda started tackling them head on. Ain’t no (yes I did just say ain’t no…and? so what?) meeting each others “representative” like so many of us do when we first began dating someone. He and I... well we both were pretty much like… "aight this is me…and this is what I got going on." We’ve already talked about finances, credit, issues with his little one…his ex’s…my ex’s… our living arrangement, hang-ups, our political views, religious views, habits, long and short term goals, family, and etc.
I mean… it’s like… I already know more about him than I knew about 96% of my ex’s. It’s scary…but it’s also very calming. I know up front what I’m getting into…and no it’s not all glitz and glamour, and lovey, dovey moonlight walks after candlelight dinners. Sometimes, it’s some… dang.my.ex.wife.is.effin.up.her.finances.and.her.lights.are.off.though.i.
would.normally.say.oh.well.but.she.has.my.child.so.i.gotta.deal.with.her.
til.i.get.custody. type ish going on. But… hey that’s what I said I’ll deal with when I signed up to be his “one and only”. At least I knew before hand.
And likewise…I got my set of “stuff” that I’ve kinda dumped on him too. I KNOW he’s probably like… daaaaaaaaang… I don’t think I signed up for this. lol. But that’s the way it is. Both of us looking at each other like… “you still here? After all you know?” lol.
It’s all good though. Life is…… life. I can’t complain. I’m glad to be living.
Happy Friday!
Fortunately for me, the thing which I’ve craved for the last 3 years has finally found me. Because of love, I feel as though I can overcome and conquer the other “not-so-good” areas in my life. Life is………life.
So my mom has just completed her first week of work and I’m sooooooo very proud of her. *clapping* I’ve been extra nice to her. Texting her mid-day to tell her that I love her and I hope her day is going well… making sure I clean up the way SHE likes it….and spending more of my evenings talking to her instead of coming in, going to my space and sealing myself from her and the world. I figured it would make her transition a little easier. NOW that we’ve took a step in the right direction, I gotta figure out a few more things… like… how to get my doggone credit back straight. Her not working hit me big time. A sista gotta duck and dodge the phone nowadays from all the nasty calls about these accruing bills I have neglected. Dang I gotta lot of debt. *smh* I wish I could go redo my college years. I’d stand up to moms more. Yeah… moms is the reason I’m haveing about 95% of my financial problems today. She’s never been good with money, and to “make up for it”, she decided she was gonna “help” me not make the same mistakes she did. In other words… she was gonna get her second chance to make it right for herself. However, all she succeeded in doing was messing mine up just as much as her own. Making me her puppet...charging her tires to my sears card...tricking me into thinking that she was gonna put all her family's christmas gifts on my riches, zales, lerners cards and that SHE'D pay it KNOWING i didn't have no real jobs in college. Yeah she paid it alright. *smirk* I hate that I listened to her. I hate that I didn't just say NO mom, NO! I’m too young to be struggling. I wish I would have just stood up to her and told her to leave my ish alone. Let me do me. But… at that time, I was solely dependant on them for food, shelter, and money. So… I kinda “gave her my birthright for a cup of soup”. Now I wish I hadn’t. But you live and you learn. I know now that when moms says something about helping me…and it has to do with money… just run the other way. FULL.SPEED. lol. She meant well but daaaang. *smh*
*sigh* Sooooooooo now… I’m starting over. And it’s really hard. Because for the last few years, I was progressing nicely. Taking care of bills…paying stuff off… saving… I mean.. .ya girl was doing it WAY big. But um… well …after her work hiatus… things just….. dropped…..stopped….. depleted….dwindled….reversed…. etc. My need to do what was best for the family actually really hurt what was best for ME. So now...i'm delayed in my "house buying" project. My credit is too bad for all that now. So *sigh* here i am. Sway.... a statistic.
And to top it all off... I wanna move out. MORE than ever before. I gotta go. I.GOTSTA.GO. So of course me moving out is gonna put an even bigger burden on me… because of my current fincancial situation. Well... i doubt i'd be paying OUT more because really, I’ve been giving my folks just as much a month as I would if I just got my own spot…and maybe even more…
The burden is that… what if they still need my help with the bills? And also…well…my momma is MAD crazy when it comes to me. I mean she does NOT want me to leave. EVER! Okay…maybe that’s an exaggeration. She wants me to leave when I get married….but not one day sooner. I can’t do it. So she'll be worrying me all the time and I know when i tell her i'm moving, it might put a strain on our relationship for a second. I can see it now.
Me: mom, I'm moving.
Her: Whuuuut? *frowning* Moving? You don't need to move now. It's not a good idea.
Me: Why?
Her: You got all these bills you need to pay. Lemme get on my feet so i can help. Then you can get a few properties so you can have some incoming coming in...THEN if you wanna move... move.
Me: *thinking- you've been saying this ish since i was 18...i'm tired of waiting..and since you done messed up OUR credit, neither one of us can afford to get no doggone properties, so leeeee'me 'lone.* Uh... well you can still help. But i need to move.
Her: Well fine then, *getting an attitude* You grown...do what u want. But i ain't helping. *stompin off and giving me the silent treatment*
Me: *feeling bad*
Yup...that's pretty much how i see it going. Well that's the more tame version anyways. lol. And lets not mention dating. Dating outta her house is crazy. I can't do it anymore. I’ve been wanting OUT of their house since I moved back in. And I’m afraid if I don’t go now… I won’t go. So pray for me. I gotta go. Even though it’s gonna be hard trying to play “catch up” and put some doggone furniture in the house… I gotta do it.
Then there’s TG….and his situation is…….. “special” too. lol. Taking on his set of issues and problems is taking just as much out of me as my own problems. I guess cuz his problems are my problems… and vice versa. I’m not quite sure how things got so serious so fast. I went in slow… I really did. Slow, steady, and sensible… that was my motto. I repeated it on the regular…but somehow… “the forces” pulled me in. *ha- I feel like I’m a star wars extra or something…t-h-e f-o-r-c-e-s…lol*
But it’s crazy…it’s like…we just…clicked… it just…works… it just …is… we just…ARE.
No matter how much I pump the brakes… it’s still hard to stop this explosion of togetherness. I can’t stop his feelings…and I can’t stop mine. And I’m not sure if I wanna. Even though we both have our own set of issues….baggage… whatever… we’ve kinda started tackling them head on. Ain’t no (yes I did just say ain’t no…and? so what?) meeting each others “representative” like so many of us do when we first began dating someone. He and I... well we both were pretty much like… "aight this is me…and this is what I got going on." We’ve already talked about finances, credit, issues with his little one…his ex’s…my ex’s… our living arrangement, hang-ups, our political views, religious views, habits, long and short term goals, family, and etc.
I mean… it’s like… I already know more about him than I knew about 96% of my ex’s. It’s scary…but it’s also very calming. I know up front what I’m getting into…and no it’s not all glitz and glamour, and lovey, dovey moonlight walks after candlelight dinners. Sometimes, it’s some… dang.my.ex.wife.is.effin.up.her.finances.and.her.lights.are.off.though.i.
would.normally.say.oh.well.but.she.has.my.child.so.i.gotta.deal.with.her.
til.i.get.custody. type ish going on. But… hey that’s what I said I’ll deal with when I signed up to be his “one and only”. At least I knew before hand.
And likewise…I got my set of “stuff” that I’ve kinda dumped on him too. I KNOW he’s probably like… daaaaaaaaang… I don’t think I signed up for this. lol. But that’s the way it is. Both of us looking at each other like… “you still here? After all you know?” lol.
It’s all good though. Life is…… life. I can’t complain. I’m glad to be living.
Happy Friday!
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Sway-typical Ponderances
My mind is constantly on go.
My face wears the mask of deliberation daily.
Too bad most of my thoughts have absolutely nothing to do with nothing. lol
Yet... i must share... i must... release...
these are just some of the things on my mind today...
Silence is loud.
I never realized how much my quietness affects people. I mean, people really hate that I don’t talk. It plagues their thoughts for hours. It even wakes them up at night. (okay maybe not)
I've recently had this revelation due to the outpour of inquisitiveness expressed by many people I share daily encounters with. I didn't even know people paid me any attention. *shrug* Go figure.
Pat is one of the most annoying people i've ever met. If any one has ever seen MAD TV... she reminds me of Mo Collin's character "Lorraine Swanson". The same jacked up pants... the same gross coughing and annoying voice... the same everything. She gets about one inch from your face and shout. UGH! ANNOYING!!! Yet... she's really sweet. It's just that... her irritation level is at the max when you're around her for more than 2 minutes at a time. Yet I have the pleasure of working with her. Yup me... yours truly....working side by side with her erryday! Well... my dear
co-worker, as concerned as she is... pulled me into her office the other day because according to her. "I wasn't acting right". She asked me what was wrong...and why wasn't i talking. After I told her that i just didn't feel like it. I like being quiet. She went further on to interrogate me about my life because she really wanted to know the "psychological issues" I was facing that blocked my desire to talk. *yes this so-and-so said i had psychological issues because i don't talk* I stiffled a laugh and told her that i was okay... really. *blink* Then proceeded to walk outta her office before she put me into some kind of work therapy class. lol
George…noticed I’ve been quiet lately too. You know George. Everyone has a George in their office. You know...the older janitor type man that flirts with anything that has hair, heels and earrings. (and sometimes the ones that don't.) lol He does NOT discriminate. He's the office "romeo". Going from one office to the next... looking down the hall at someone's behind...while talking to you. lol.. Yeah him... that guy. He always comes on our floor because well...there's a lot of pretty women on the "Fif' flo". But when he came around to me... he sat down in my open office chair and said... "what's wrong, gorgeous? you too pretty to be depressed. You know if you need someone to talk to... i'm here... REALLY... all jokes aside."
Huh? Depressed? So my NON talking makes me depressed? Dang... i learn something new erryday. lol
It’s funny how much attention I get from NOT talking. I used to think that I was always invisible/overlooked because I never talked and got in close with people. I figured if I remained quiet, people would pretty much forget I was around…which is exactly what I wanted. I don’t know how I became so anti-social. It’s a 180 degree change from the Club-Sway back in the day….the friend-sway that my friends cant shut up…or the Church-Sway who everyone knows as the busy body…always on this committee and in that ministry and blah blah. But somehow, I’ve become secluded.. I’ve shut the real me off from the world and hoped that they’d be okay with that. Only they aren’t. People like…..REALLY wanna know what I’m about. The curious nature of humans is very interesting…and predictable. Tell someone they can’t have something and they want it.
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HOW COME THIN MINTS DON’T MAKE YOU THIN? :(
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Your character is remembered….even if nothing else is.
Got a call from someone I met once on a blind date a few years back. He kept my # although we never called each other again. He was pushy and drunk….i wasn’t. He called me cuz he said he remembered that I was really religious and he knew I stayed prayed up. He didn’t remember anything else about me. He lost his mom to lung cancer, last month and just moved back to ATL. Said he needed someone like me close to him. I thought that was really interesting. After all this time...he remembered my character. It spoke volumes about me. Even after the memory of what i look liked...or what i said or did faded away... he remembered my character. That spoke to me.
Lead by example. Albert Einstein once said... "Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others; it is the only means." I believe him. Let your light shine always. You never know who’s looking at that light and being drawn to it even in their darkness. Your light may be the only light someone sees. It may be their only way home. It may be their only saving grace. So make sure you shine bright… and keep it going.
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Freaky Friday
You ever think what life would be like if YOU were your parent’s parents? I mean…we’re all spirits right? We’re all the same…just born in different times…so….what if instead of them being born before you and birthing you….it was reversed?
I thought about this after my mother told me that she admired me. That’s something I don’t take lightly. I wonder how my mother would have turned out if I was her mother? If I instilled in her what she’s ultimately instilled in me…and would I even instill that since if I was HER mother that would mean she wouldn’t have been mine and the way I am NOW might not necessarily be the way I’d be if she wasn’t my mother. Lol Okay did you understand that…? lol. I dunno.. I wonder about that. Sometimes I wish that I was her mother. I wouldn’t have neglected her like her parents did. She’d be a lot different. Better adjusted… at least I like to think so… but… o n the same note. She wouldn’t have raised me the way she did if she wasn’t raised the way she was…
I’m not sure how I feel about that.
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To whom much is given… much is required.
I often think about the rich and famous. Besides those who were born into wealth… y ou listen to most of these stories of the struggles and hardships many stars went through to get where they are today…and it is simply amazing. I mean, a lot of these people went through some CRAZY stuff. Sometimes we find our selves wishing we could be like them…or have their long money… or nice status. But really… do we know the price they had to pay to get there? All we see is the end results of a long hard journey. I think about that journey sometimes. I have this feeling that I’m gonna write a book about my life one of these days. Not that I’m a writer…but Lord knows I’ve been through some KRAZY stuff. I mean yes, we all have been through some thangs… but when I look back on my life… or when I confide in someone I truly and wholeheartedly trust, I find out that my situations have been the farthest thing from NORMAL. Sometimes I wish I can do a real 100 things about Sway list. The things that I would put on there would blow your mind. People look at me and see this spoiled only child…who seems to be well off..and well adjusted. Nice looking…always curteous. And never know anything more than that. So little do they see. So little do they know. The things I’ve seen. The places I’ve been. The situations I’ve overcome. And to be semi-sane… it was NOTHING BUT GOD. lol. I’ve realized that my hardships in life weren’t really for my benefit. It was for God’s glory and so that I can help someone else who may be getting ready to go through the same things. I went through…and was brought out… to tell others… so they can marvel at the things God has done in my life…while also getting hope and encouragement for their own life. That’s one of my purposes. I was given most of my trials…. Because I’m responsible for helping others. My purpose is intervention. I was given that purpose…and it required MUCH hardship. Much turmoil…. And many many many desperate cries. But it made me who I am. It molded me to become what I’m supposed to be. Who I’m supposed to be. And when I finally do write my book… tell my story. Show the world who I am… it will be a blessing. Because no one would have ever known that to just look at me…that I’ve been where I’ve been. I don’t know about the whole famous bit… but I know that where I’m going… there was no way around the grueling journey.
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Death Wish
Why are oreo’s still on the market. That has GOT to be the most death-inducing food on earth. The “filling” is made from STRAIGHT sugar and lard. LARD folks. That’s it! You eatin sweetened LARD! That’s nasty as heck! The day I found that out….i became a recovering oreo addict. I no longer had the desire to eat it. Although… um… I still struggle with the cookies and cream ice cream…. I sometimes wonder if those are oreo cookies in there…. Hmmmmmmmm. *going to do some research*
My face wears the mask of deliberation daily.
Too bad most of my thoughts have absolutely nothing to do with nothing. lol
Yet... i must share... i must... release...
these are just some of the things on my mind today...
Silence is loud.
I never realized how much my quietness affects people. I mean, people really hate that I don’t talk. It plagues their thoughts for hours. It even wakes them up at night. (okay maybe not)
I've recently had this revelation due to the outpour of inquisitiveness expressed by many people I share daily encounters with. I didn't even know people paid me any attention. *shrug* Go figure.
Pat is one of the most annoying people i've ever met. If any one has ever seen MAD TV... she reminds me of Mo Collin's character "Lorraine Swanson". The same jacked up pants... the same gross coughing and annoying voice... the same everything. She gets about one inch from your face and shout. UGH! ANNOYING!!! Yet... she's really sweet. It's just that... her irritation level is at the max when you're around her for more than 2 minutes at a time. Yet I have the pleasure of working with her. Yup me... yours truly....working side by side with her erryday! Well... my dear
co-worker, as concerned as she is... pulled me into her office the other day because according to her. "I wasn't acting right". She asked me what was wrong...and why wasn't i talking. After I told her that i just didn't feel like it. I like being quiet. She went further on to interrogate me about my life because she really wanted to know the "psychological issues" I was facing that blocked my desire to talk. *yes this so-and-so said i had psychological issues because i don't talk* I stiffled a laugh and told her that i was okay... really. *blink* Then proceeded to walk outta her office before she put me into some kind of work therapy class. lol
George…noticed I’ve been quiet lately too. You know George. Everyone has a George in their office. You know...the older janitor type man that flirts with anything that has hair, heels and earrings. (and sometimes the ones that don't.) lol He does NOT discriminate. He's the office "romeo". Going from one office to the next... looking down the hall at someone's behind...while talking to you. lol.. Yeah him... that guy. He always comes on our floor because well...there's a lot of pretty women on the "Fif' flo". But when he came around to me... he sat down in my open office chair and said... "what's wrong, gorgeous? you too pretty to be depressed. You know if you need someone to talk to... i'm here... REALLY... all jokes aside."
Huh? Depressed? So my NON talking makes me depressed? Dang... i learn something new erryday. lol
It’s funny how much attention I get from NOT talking. I used to think that I was always invisible/overlooked because I never talked and got in close with people. I figured if I remained quiet, people would pretty much forget I was around…which is exactly what I wanted. I don’t know how I became so anti-social. It’s a 180 degree change from the Club-Sway back in the day….the friend-sway that my friends cant shut up…or the Church-Sway who everyone knows as the busy body…always on this committee and in that ministry and blah blah. But somehow, I’ve become secluded.. I’ve shut the real me off from the world and hoped that they’d be okay with that. Only they aren’t. People like…..REALLY wanna know what I’m about. The curious nature of humans is very interesting…and predictable. Tell someone they can’t have something and they want it.
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HOW COME THIN MINTS DON’T MAKE YOU THIN? :(
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Your character is remembered….even if nothing else is.
Got a call from someone I met once on a blind date a few years back. He kept my # although we never called each other again. He was pushy and drunk….i wasn’t. He called me cuz he said he remembered that I was really religious and he knew I stayed prayed up. He didn’t remember anything else about me. He lost his mom to lung cancer, last month and just moved back to ATL. Said he needed someone like me close to him. I thought that was really interesting. After all this time...he remembered my character. It spoke volumes about me. Even after the memory of what i look liked...or what i said or did faded away... he remembered my character. That spoke to me.
Lead by example. Albert Einstein once said... "Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others; it is the only means." I believe him. Let your light shine always. You never know who’s looking at that light and being drawn to it even in their darkness. Your light may be the only light someone sees. It may be their only way home. It may be their only saving grace. So make sure you shine bright… and keep it going.
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Freaky Friday
You ever think what life would be like if YOU were your parent’s parents? I mean…we’re all spirits right? We’re all the same…just born in different times…so….what if instead of them being born before you and birthing you….it was reversed?
I thought about this after my mother told me that she admired me. That’s something I don’t take lightly. I wonder how my mother would have turned out if I was her mother? If I instilled in her what she’s ultimately instilled in me…and would I even instill that since if I was HER mother that would mean she wouldn’t have been mine and the way I am NOW might not necessarily be the way I’d be if she wasn’t my mother. Lol Okay did you understand that…? lol. I dunno.. I wonder about that. Sometimes I wish that I was her mother. I wouldn’t have neglected her like her parents did. She’d be a lot different. Better adjusted… at least I like to think so… but… o n the same note. She wouldn’t have raised me the way she did if she wasn’t raised the way she was…
I’m not sure how I feel about that.
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To whom much is given… much is required.
I often think about the rich and famous. Besides those who were born into wealth… y ou listen to most of these stories of the struggles and hardships many stars went through to get where they are today…and it is simply amazing. I mean, a lot of these people went through some CRAZY stuff. Sometimes we find our selves wishing we could be like them…or have their long money… or nice status. But really… do we know the price they had to pay to get there? All we see is the end results of a long hard journey. I think about that journey sometimes. I have this feeling that I’m gonna write a book about my life one of these days. Not that I’m a writer…but Lord knows I’ve been through some KRAZY stuff. I mean yes, we all have been through some thangs… but when I look back on my life… or when I confide in someone I truly and wholeheartedly trust, I find out that my situations have been the farthest thing from NORMAL. Sometimes I wish I can do a real 100 things about Sway list. The things that I would put on there would blow your mind. People look at me and see this spoiled only child…who seems to be well off..and well adjusted. Nice looking…always curteous. And never know anything more than that. So little do they see. So little do they know. The things I’ve seen. The places I’ve been. The situations I’ve overcome. And to be semi-sane… it was NOTHING BUT GOD. lol. I’ve realized that my hardships in life weren’t really for my benefit. It was for God’s glory and so that I can help someone else who may be getting ready to go through the same things. I went through…and was brought out… to tell others… so they can marvel at the things God has done in my life…while also getting hope and encouragement for their own life. That’s one of my purposes. I was given most of my trials…. Because I’m responsible for helping others. My purpose is intervention. I was given that purpose…and it required MUCH hardship. Much turmoil…. And many many many desperate cries. But it made me who I am. It molded me to become what I’m supposed to be. Who I’m supposed to be. And when I finally do write my book… tell my story. Show the world who I am… it will be a blessing. Because no one would have ever known that to just look at me…that I’ve been where I’ve been. I don’t know about the whole famous bit… but I know that where I’m going… there was no way around the grueling journey.
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Death Wish
Why are oreo’s still on the market. That has GOT to be the most death-inducing food on earth. The “filling” is made from STRAIGHT sugar and lard. LARD folks. That’s it! You eatin sweetened LARD! That’s nasty as heck! The day I found that out….i became a recovering oreo addict. I no longer had the desire to eat it. Although… um… I still struggle with the cookies and cream ice cream…. I sometimes wonder if those are oreo cookies in there…. Hmmmmmmmm. *going to do some research*
Monday, June 13, 2005
"Tommy, you ain't got no job..."
What a GREAT FRIGGIN MONDAY!!!!!!!
I haven’t been this excited in almost a month!!!! Why u ask? Because today folks… yes TODAY. June the thiiiiiirteeeeenth!! My MOMMA went to work. *insert thunderous applause and roars*
I’m so happy on the inside I feel like I’m about to implode. *giggling*
She got up when I did for the first time in almost a year. Washed herself…and put on some WORK clothes. Thank you GOD! We're not po’ no mo’. Now maybe I can get my own self outta debt. *sigh of relief*
This last year has been really hard. At first it everything was okay. Aside from the fact that my mom quit her job on my Burrffday last year, her little “work vacation” was something my dad and I was okay with because moms is a hard worker. We figured we could handle the bills without her income for a little while. And we did….
But neither of us realized that moms wasn’t actually TRYING to get another job any time soon. Her new job was to sit at home and read…and of course cook dinner since she was at home a lot more. Well the dinner bit was good. It gave me a break from having to cook myself… and moms can throw DOWN in tha kitchen. Whew! So in that respect, it was good.
But man, after about 3-4 months of that. My dad and I start getting a little anxious. I don't think she realized that we NEEDED for her to go make some money! lol. My momma was making some CHEDDAR. She made more than my dad and I put together..and he works 2 jobs!! lol. She was the bread winner of the house. And trust me... she knew how to spend it too. lol. The problem is... well... she acted like she was still working!! I mean, she was spending money like she was still bringing home a check. Going on shopping sprees and bringing home new outfits ...with matching shoes, purses, and accesories, splurging at restaurants… giving folks b-day and christmas presents, helping other families in need (not that I have a problem with that…but dang…when you struggling yourself…c’mon now use some sense). Before I knew it… MY savings had been depleted. A sista was struggling. My hard earned cash stash was GONE. Mortgages…2nd mortagages…car payments, insurance, cell phone bills…groceries etc… was just getting to be a little too much. I was drowning. It got to the point that every time I saw my mom I just wanted to scream “GET A JOB” at her. But I didn’t. I love her. I want her to be happy. I don’t want her stressing because of a deadline oriented job. And she’s done sooooooo much for me. I felt stuck. But thank you GOD! I’m finally seeing the light at the end of our dark dark tunnel. I am WAAAAAAAAAAAY behind on some stuff…so right now ya girl gotta play catch up. But at least I’m able to move forward now after a year of spiraling downwards. Today IS A GREAT day! Now lets just hope she doesn’t quit.
I haven’t been this excited in almost a month!!!! Why u ask? Because today folks… yes TODAY. June the thiiiiiirteeeeenth!! My MOMMA went to work. *insert thunderous applause and roars*
I’m so happy on the inside I feel like I’m about to implode. *giggling*
She got up when I did for the first time in almost a year. Washed herself…and put on some WORK clothes. Thank you GOD! We're not po’ no mo’. Now maybe I can get my own self outta debt. *sigh of relief*
This last year has been really hard. At first it everything was okay. Aside from the fact that my mom quit her job on my Burrffday last year, her little “work vacation” was something my dad and I was okay with because moms is a hard worker. We figured we could handle the bills without her income for a little while. And we did….
But neither of us realized that moms wasn’t actually TRYING to get another job any time soon. Her new job was to sit at home and read…and of course cook dinner since she was at home a lot more. Well the dinner bit was good. It gave me a break from having to cook myself… and moms can throw DOWN in tha kitchen. Whew! So in that respect, it was good.
But man, after about 3-4 months of that. My dad and I start getting a little anxious. I don't think she realized that we NEEDED for her to go make some money! lol. My momma was making some CHEDDAR. She made more than my dad and I put together..and he works 2 jobs!! lol. She was the bread winner of the house. And trust me... she knew how to spend it too. lol. The problem is... well... she acted like she was still working!! I mean, she was spending money like she was still bringing home a check. Going on shopping sprees and bringing home new outfits ...with matching shoes, purses, and accesories, splurging at restaurants… giving folks b-day and christmas presents, helping other families in need (not that I have a problem with that…but dang…when you struggling yourself…c’mon now use some sense). Before I knew it… MY savings had been depleted. A sista was struggling. My hard earned cash stash was GONE. Mortgages…2nd mortagages…car payments, insurance, cell phone bills…groceries etc… was just getting to be a little too much. I was drowning. It got to the point that every time I saw my mom I just wanted to scream “GET A JOB” at her. But I didn’t. I love her. I want her to be happy. I don’t want her stressing because of a deadline oriented job. And she’s done sooooooo much for me. I felt stuck. But thank you GOD! I’m finally seeing the light at the end of our dark dark tunnel. I am WAAAAAAAAAAAY behind on some stuff…so right now ya girl gotta play catch up. But at least I’m able to move forward now after a year of spiraling downwards. Today IS A GREAT day! Now lets just hope she doesn’t quit.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Vibin'
It’s amazing how in tune with one another we are. *smiling*
He always calls right when i have a break, or get settled in at home. I always pick up his favorite gum not knowing that he was actually on his last stick. He always brings me vanilla or lavendar candle just when mine is almost out. We always just KNOW what's going on with each other. It's really cool. Especially yesterday.
It’s almost as if he read my blog and decided to make it happen. I know that's not the case though. He is not the "computer type". Not to say that he can’t or won’t find his way in front of a computer and handle his… but he’s just always occupied with other things. I’ve never seen his laptop on before… except when he was cleaning up some of his recorded music. But other than that.. I know this brutha ain’t ‘stuttin a blog. lol
Yet yesterday evening…
I found myself doing exactly what I was wishing for…laying under my special someone and watching “village of the damned” on the sci-fi channel, while being fed cookies–n-cream ice cream and kissed on my forehead. It didn’t dawn on me how prophetic i had been earlier until he told me that he loved me and how beautiful I looked… then I remembered what I wrote earlier yesterday in my blog…and just felt sooooo incredibly waaaaaaaaandaful! He’s always doing that… He always seems to know what I want…and what I need. It’s like…as soon as I think it… he reads my mind and does it… or says it. I love that.
He also bought me something puurrrrrty. *smiling like a school girl* I’ve been trying to take a picture of it but it has a mirror/reflection thing going on…so you wouldn’t be able to see anything but the shape…and my camera phone. Lol. It’s a dog tag. I know…doesn’t sound like much does it? lol. But it soooooo is! I’ve never really seen one this puuurdy before. Well.. I saw his… but that’s what I mean. He has one that he wears to our group practice sometimes… and I’ve always thought it was unique. It has his name of course and this pretty music symbol on it. It's breathtaking. I never told him that I liked it…although I’ve probably been caught looking at it on numerous occasions. Well yesterday while making him my pillow… he told me he had to get up for a second…so reluctantly I let him move. He quickly disappeared into his bedroom for about 2 minutes and came out with a red box with a gold bow. I knew it was jewelry. I didn’t know what it could be though… I mean, this was completely unexpected and out of the blue. “Just because” gifts are the best. So he plops down on the couch beside me as I try to contain my excitement of opening an unexpected gift. There it lay. My very own necklace. It looked just like his.. he got me the same music symbol he had…with my name… (spelled correctly might I add.) He told me to look on the back… and I did. There's an engraving on the back...which reads...
You Are the Key to My Heart
*me melting*
I love it. I don't HAVE the key. I AM the key. haaaaa. My,my, my. That's deep. Having a key always means that there's a possibility that I can lose it. But me BEING the key...well dang. Unless i lose myself... i will always have his heart. My goodness. *taking a deep breath* I'm feelin that. lol
The necklace also has a little key engraved between words “key” and “to”. It’s soooo purrrty. I had to wear it today. I changed my entire outfit today just so I could wear it. lol.
As you can tell… I’m on cloud 9 today. Lol. Random expressions of love always get me going. *floating* Aaaaanywho… reality HAS set back in *floating back down to my desk* I have a lot of work to do today.
He always calls right when i have a break, or get settled in at home. I always pick up his favorite gum not knowing that he was actually on his last stick. He always brings me vanilla or lavendar candle just when mine is almost out. We always just KNOW what's going on with each other. It's really cool. Especially yesterday.
It’s almost as if he read my blog and decided to make it happen. I know that's not the case though. He is not the "computer type". Not to say that he can’t or won’t find his way in front of a computer and handle his… but he’s just always occupied with other things. I’ve never seen his laptop on before… except when he was cleaning up some of his recorded music. But other than that.. I know this brutha ain’t ‘stuttin a blog. lol
Yet yesterday evening…
I found myself doing exactly what I was wishing for…laying under my special someone and watching “village of the damned” on the sci-fi channel, while being fed cookies–n-cream ice cream and kissed on my forehead. It didn’t dawn on me how prophetic i had been earlier until he told me that he loved me and how beautiful I looked… then I remembered what I wrote earlier yesterday in my blog…and just felt sooooo incredibly waaaaaaaaandaful! He’s always doing that… He always seems to know what I want…and what I need. It’s like…as soon as I think it… he reads my mind and does it… or says it. I love that.
He also bought me something puurrrrrty. *smiling like a school girl* I’ve been trying to take a picture of it but it has a mirror/reflection thing going on…so you wouldn’t be able to see anything but the shape…and my camera phone. Lol. It’s a dog tag. I know…doesn’t sound like much does it? lol. But it soooooo is! I’ve never really seen one this puuurdy before. Well.. I saw his… but that’s what I mean. He has one that he wears to our group practice sometimes… and I’ve always thought it was unique. It has his name of course and this pretty music symbol on it. It's breathtaking. I never told him that I liked it…although I’ve probably been caught looking at it on numerous occasions. Well yesterday while making him my pillow… he told me he had to get up for a second…so reluctantly I let him move. He quickly disappeared into his bedroom for about 2 minutes and came out with a red box with a gold bow. I knew it was jewelry. I didn’t know what it could be though… I mean, this was completely unexpected and out of the blue. “Just because” gifts are the best. So he plops down on the couch beside me as I try to contain my excitement of opening an unexpected gift. There it lay. My very own necklace. It looked just like his.. he got me the same music symbol he had…with my name… (spelled correctly might I add.) He told me to look on the back… and I did. There's an engraving on the back...which reads...
You Are the Key to My Heart
*me melting*
I love it. I don't HAVE the key. I AM the key. haaaaa. My,my, my. That's deep. Having a key always means that there's a possibility that I can lose it. But me BEING the key...well dang. Unless i lose myself... i will always have his heart. My goodness. *taking a deep breath* I'm feelin that. lol
The necklace also has a little key engraved between words “key” and “to”. It’s soooo purrrty. I had to wear it today. I changed my entire outfit today just so I could wear it. lol.
As you can tell… I’m on cloud 9 today. Lol. Random expressions of love always get me going. *floating* Aaaaanywho… reality HAS set back in *floating back down to my desk* I have a lot of work to do today.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
My peeps are in town... man. *smh*
I’ve been having these urges to the weirdest and most off the wall things today. Like... write random guys and ask them if they beat their women…
and like... telling these ladies at my job with the ashy ankles and feet that i like their new white shoes...and like... asking the bazillion and one people with the little change cans and “please support our team” signs at every red light in decatur if I can borrow a dollar from them. Oh oh oh... and I've really been wanting to take the staples out of everyones stapler and hide them. *shrug* I dunno what’s wrong with me. The urges are getting stronger by the minute. I think it’s the hormones.
Hormones are the spawn of satan. Must be. I’m sure convinced. I’m never mean and snappy like many females I know, errr…scratch that... I probably am… I just never show it. I snap on ppl in my mind while keeping my outer appearance as nonchalant as possible. lol Most people just be like….awwww she’s sick. When really I just want to choke the stuffin outta sumbody. lol
Hey…if people can use alcohol as an excuse to cut a fool…how come I can’t use my monthly hormonal changes as one… They’re mind altering too!! Lol
But yeah... usually i just wanna do weird stuff. I don't wanna be mean... just childish i guess. I wanna be a brat. lol. I want things my way...and i'm not afraid to pout if i can't get it. Hormones make me wanna lay under someone special all day and make them get me ice cream and a brownie..and tell me how pretty i am...even though i probably look a hot mess. Since usually I don't have anyone special to keep me sane...my mind generally wanders to totally stupid things i can do to irritate people.
Aaaaaaaaanywho… enough talk about my unstable mental state. I got other things on my mind. Huh? What was that? You don’t care? Oh.friggin.well.then. Just deal with it.
There are some things that I just can’t figure out for the life of me…and I REALLY wanna know these things…
Why does Chick-fil-a lemonade ALWAYS give me a sore throat? I mean always. It never fails…and yes my dumb behind still be slurpin on it. What? It’s good. And it’s ONLY chick-fil-a’s lemonade. I just don’t understand.
Why do people feel the need to tell me that I’m short? What is that about? As if this is some groundbreaking news you just found out and HAD to share? Um…I’ve kinda been myself for my entire life… I know that my vertical stance is not exactly “average”… but telling me that for no good reason than to just be hearing yourself exercise your voice box… lets me know that my height and your intelligence are of the same stature.
Why is it that the main folks so concerned about wearing a condom to prevent STD’s have NO concern whatsoever about said STD while performing oral pleasure? I don’t get it...i mean, are you just not as concerned with your mouth as you are with your good good’s? If you gonna do it…do it. Don’t half step.
And what’s with people who think that the worst thing that can happen to them is that they can get or get someone…pregnant. *smh* Come on over to my place chilluns… I got some pictures fo’ ya.
Why am I craving a taco bell chalupa (ugh!) and some fried okra from church’s chicken? WTH is wrong with me?????
Why is it cute when pregnant women stomachs stick out…but for other women… it is just utterly disgusting? I mean…what? a big stomach is a big stomach.
How come Emory spends about 20 million dollars a year on darn flowers…but could only give my behind a measly $5,000 scholarship. I’m just saying… I could care less about birds of paradise when I’m working two jobs just to pay the $40k+ per year they made me pay. *getting pissed*
And why on EARTH did I pay over $160,000 for a piece of paper that fresh out of school got me an entry level job making only $32,000? They could have kept that paper and i could've bought a nice lil house with that and STILL made that salary. *kicking rocks*
How come I’d rather stay on the phone and with TG and doze off while he’s talking to me…than to get off the phone with him? I mean, I really be mad when he’s like…
"Sway… you’re snoring... go to bed…" and proceeds to make me get off the phone. lol. I be like…
"Uh-uh. I’m listening. Talk neegro…talk!" *me…dozing back off* lol… Something is SERIOUSLY wrong with me.
Okay… I’m still craving a chalupa. Maybe I should just go get one… *blink, blink* Uh..nevermind. I think I’ll go to captain D’s. Toodles.
and like... telling these ladies at my job with the ashy ankles and feet that i like their new white shoes...and like... asking the bazillion and one people with the little change cans and “please support our team” signs at every red light in decatur if I can borrow a dollar from them. Oh oh oh... and I've really been wanting to take the staples out of everyones stapler and hide them. *shrug* I dunno what’s wrong with me. The urges are getting stronger by the minute. I think it’s the hormones.
Hormones are the spawn of satan. Must be. I’m sure convinced. I’m never mean and snappy like many females I know, errr…scratch that... I probably am… I just never show it. I snap on ppl in my mind while keeping my outer appearance as nonchalant as possible. lol Most people just be like….awwww she’s sick. When really I just want to choke the stuffin outta sumbody. lol
Hey…if people can use alcohol as an excuse to cut a fool…how come I can’t use my monthly hormonal changes as one… They’re mind altering too!! Lol
But yeah... usually i just wanna do weird stuff. I don't wanna be mean... just childish i guess. I wanna be a brat. lol. I want things my way...and i'm not afraid to pout if i can't get it. Hormones make me wanna lay under someone special all day and make them get me ice cream and a brownie..and tell me how pretty i am...even though i probably look a hot mess. Since usually I don't have anyone special to keep me sane...my mind generally wanders to totally stupid things i can do to irritate people.
Aaaaaaaaanywho… enough talk about my unstable mental state. I got other things on my mind. Huh? What was that? You don’t care? Oh.friggin.well.then. Just deal with it.
There are some things that I just can’t figure out for the life of me…and I REALLY wanna know these things…
Why does Chick-fil-a lemonade ALWAYS give me a sore throat? I mean always. It never fails…and yes my dumb behind still be slurpin on it. What? It’s good. And it’s ONLY chick-fil-a’s lemonade. I just don’t understand.
Why do people feel the need to tell me that I’m short? What is that about? As if this is some groundbreaking news you just found out and HAD to share? Um…I’ve kinda been myself for my entire life… I know that my vertical stance is not exactly “average”… but telling me that for no good reason than to just be hearing yourself exercise your voice box… lets me know that my height and your intelligence are of the same stature.
Why is it that the main folks so concerned about wearing a condom to prevent STD’s have NO concern whatsoever about said STD while performing oral pleasure? I don’t get it...i mean, are you just not as concerned with your mouth as you are with your good good’s? If you gonna do it…do it. Don’t half step.
And what’s with people who think that the worst thing that can happen to them is that they can get or get someone…pregnant. *smh* Come on over to my place chilluns… I got some pictures fo’ ya.
Why am I craving a taco bell chalupa (ugh!) and some fried okra from church’s chicken? WTH is wrong with me?????
Why is it cute when pregnant women stomachs stick out…but for other women… it is just utterly disgusting? I mean…what? a big stomach is a big stomach.
How come Emory spends about 20 million dollars a year on darn flowers…but could only give my behind a measly $5,000 scholarship. I’m just saying… I could care less about birds of paradise when I’m working two jobs just to pay the $40k+ per year they made me pay. *getting pissed*
And why on EARTH did I pay over $160,000 for a piece of paper that fresh out of school got me an entry level job making only $32,000? They could have kept that paper and i could've bought a nice lil house with that and STILL made that salary. *kicking rocks*
How come I’d rather stay on the phone and with TG and doze off while he’s talking to me…than to get off the phone with him? I mean, I really be mad when he’s like…
"Sway… you’re snoring... go to bed…" and proceeds to make me get off the phone. lol. I be like…
"Uh-uh. I’m listening. Talk neegro…talk!" *me…dozing back off* lol… Something is SERIOUSLY wrong with me.
Okay… I’m still craving a chalupa. Maybe I should just go get one… *blink, blink* Uh..nevermind. I think I’ll go to captain D’s. Toodles.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Well it's a sizzling monday...and ya girl is S.I.C.K. *cough, cough* I hate not feeling well in the summer. It's the WORST. I'd rather use my personal days to skip work and go to the park than to have to use them for doctors visits...and rest days cuz i'm too sick to come in. My mother is pretty much MAKING me go see a doctor. But i really don't wanna. I've had a sore throat for almost a week now...which I KNOW isn't a good sign... but I still don't feel like taking any more time off of work to be stuck in some doctor's office. I lied and told her my throat was fine this morning. If i didn't... i'd probably be at Kaiser Permanente right now. lol. I know, I know. I'm the same person who wrote about...3 posts ago about making sure you go to the doctor. lol. Darn hypocrites! lol
Well...anywho... besides the pain i'm feeling in my body from some "meds" i'm on... and the upcoming cold/strep throat I have. I'm doing pretty good. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. We pulled off my best friend's bridal shower with no problem. *whew! Thank you God* It was crazy trying to get that thang together though. This is the same girl that has 3 maids of honor and 3 best men! *re-read that please* She is very....extravagant... grandiose ...flamboyant. She likes everything maginified. So you can only imagine what we went through trying to get this shower to her liking. I'm really glad it's over. lol.
Next weekend isn't gonna be as busy. Hopefully. lol. Besides the bridal shower... i had so sing at the jazz festival saturday..and friday night TG and I dropped through one of my best friend's boyfriend's birthday get together. That was pretty nice. It was the first time TG met my friends. Everyone seems to like him...which is good. I just hate that i blush so much whenever he's around. *trying to be ice cold* Something about him just melts me. All my girls were like...awwww...Sway... you look genuinely happy.
They just don't know... I really am. I'm giving myself to him as if i've never been hurt...and that is something i havent been able to do with anyone for a long time.
And speaking of hurt... man... why was i SOOOO crunk this morning cuz i thought that my mom was gonna start her new job...only to be told otherwise. *smh* She's now claiming that today she has her second interview. So she's not actually STARTING just yet. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Okay i feel better. *smh* Lord PUH-LEASE let my momma hurry up and start working for a paycheck. We need money!
alright...enough nonsense.
Life's good anyhow. :) Gone.
Well...anywho... besides the pain i'm feeling in my body from some "meds" i'm on... and the upcoming cold/strep throat I have. I'm doing pretty good. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. We pulled off my best friend's bridal shower with no problem. *whew! Thank you God* It was crazy trying to get that thang together though. This is the same girl that has 3 maids of honor and 3 best men! *re-read that please* She is very....extravagant... grandiose ...flamboyant. She likes everything maginified. So you can only imagine what we went through trying to get this shower to her liking. I'm really glad it's over. lol.
Next weekend isn't gonna be as busy. Hopefully. lol. Besides the bridal shower... i had so sing at the jazz festival saturday..and friday night TG and I dropped through one of my best friend's boyfriend's birthday get together. That was pretty nice. It was the first time TG met my friends. Everyone seems to like him...which is good. I just hate that i blush so much whenever he's around. *trying to be ice cold* Something about him just melts me. All my girls were like...awwww...Sway... you look genuinely happy.
They just don't know... I really am. I'm giving myself to him as if i've never been hurt...and that is something i havent been able to do with anyone for a long time.
And speaking of hurt... man... why was i SOOOO crunk this morning cuz i thought that my mom was gonna start her new job...only to be told otherwise. *smh* She's now claiming that today she has her second interview. So she's not actually STARTING just yet. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Okay i feel better. *smh* Lord PUH-LEASE let my momma hurry up and start working for a paycheck. We need money!
alright...enough nonsense.
Life's good anyhow. :) Gone.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Breaking the Silence...
I feel like a mute. I’m not quite sure why every time I open up my word document full of posts I’ve started…and some I’ve pretty much finished… I never want to go back and finish them or post them. So I scroll down the 15+ pages of different topics I’ve discussed, and find a blank spot to start yet another post that may not make it to the final cut. Then, after a paragraph or so of writing… I look at the computer for a good…3.875 minutes and realize that I’m still not in the mood to tell people what’s been going on with me.
I hate that. I mean…the telling people part. I love that people actually stop by here from time to time just to see if and what I’ve written…but at the same time… the fact that I know people read has dramatically heightened my sensitivity as to what i will and won't write. When I first started. I wrote pretty much everyday… (for real..i did… go see… it’s right over there..)
It didn’t matter what I wrote… I could just say…the weather sucked and be perfectly content with that being my post. lol But the fact of the matter was that back then, I was able to use this space to get my thoughts off my chest no matter how trivial or deep. Now… I find myself doing meme’s… or writing about issues…and articles… and I dunno… stuff that really doesn’t have anything to do with ME just because I don't feel like having to explain what's going on...or for the sake of not sounding whiny and redundant..(even though it's my right to since it's my space). I’m changing that now. Sure… this blog will probably be even more boring…but at least I’ll feel better.
Work
Well… work at the ole office has been slow since the beginning of May. I’m not sure how long this “slump” will last. I feel weird not having anything to do and trying to “look” busy. I know everybody is like… what da heck she doing over there… NOBODY has work to do. lol It’s all good though. Most days I just take on time consuming busy work…like refiling all of the journals and scientific articles we have in our library. lol Or um… going to our online shared files and re-organizing everyones files/work/projects…lol. *sigh* I need a hobby while I’m here. Not having I.M. sucks. L I’m sure it won’t be like this always. Pretty soon I’ll be working on our next fiscal years budget. That ought to keep me busy.
School
*sigh* I really want to go back. I have to get my MPH as well as my PhD in counseling. Unfortunately with the way things have been going with my family… my focus has been on trying to maintain our current lifestyle rather than improving it. Mom’s was making good money at her last job…and I doubt any of us realized just how MUCH her income was needed…nor did we realize just how LONG she was gonna be unemployed. So right now… my dreams are on hold until my family is taken care of. I was confiding in a friend the other day…and he asked me why I stay there… I mean honestly I make more than enough money to take care of me. I could easily move out…and be strizz-8 by myself. But I dunno… I couldn’t do that to my parents. It’s just us 3 and I feel like we are all we have. So I wouldn’t feel right doing good when they are struggling. *smh* Something’s just not right about that.
Actually good news just arrived a few days ago. Mom’s said that she’s gonna go back to work. *doing somersaults, cartwheels and round offs...* Man that’s the best news I’ve heard in a LONG time. *sigh of relief* After approximately 10 LONG months of her chillin at the crib... using up gas going to a "strictly commission" gig that she's NEVER made money with...and her tam'bout "Bear with me ya'll" Mom's finally got a J.O.B. Yes!!!! Maybe I’ll finally be able to start back saving…and not neglecting my own bills for the greater good. Thanks God.
She starts on the 6th and I am soooooooooo amp’d. A real live paycheck…shoot.. *grinning* I may have to hang that thang on the refrigerator.
Health
Well… I haven’t been doing too well. I hate saying that something’s wrong…so I’ll just say that something isn’t quite right. I've been "not quite right" for almost 2 months now. I couldn't take it any longer. I had to know what's going on in my body. Me of all people should no that things don't just "go away"...they get worse if left untreated. So...I went to the doctor this morning to get myself checked out. Doc didn’t seem too concerned after drilling me about my past and my family history…but I dunno… I’ll feel much better when I get my results back. She gave me some stuff to take to get my body back on track. I’m very happy about that. My health is the most important thing i have. TG seems to think my condition might be stress related. I didn’t think so at first…but I really do have a lot going on and it all seems to be taking a toll on me. I'm kinda thinking that he may be right. Stress probably is partly why i'm not doing well. I don’t eat right, don’t take vitamins, don’t sleep right… I’m treating myself kinda bad…and I hate it. I know I need to take a break and just R-E-L-A-X. *taking deep breaths* Hopefully my body and hormones and etc…will resume back to their normal routine soon. At least I’m feeling better… (aside from the strong desire to crawl under my desk and sleep). That’s a start.
Friends
Well… since my detox a few months ago. I haven’t had much to say about this area of my life. All of the leeches and bad seeds were dismissed…leaving me with people who I truly consider friends. There sure aren’t many. lol. A sista be struggling on Saturdays. lol. I’m like…dang…anybody wanna hang? ANYBODY? lol. But it’s all good. I haven’t had that much free time anyways. With TG and I going out every Friday, and all of my bazillion organizations,weddings, groups, bbq's, meetings, engagements, concerts, etc… I hardly have time for “friends” anyways. lol. Besides all my good friends and I just usually talk at church…or via phone during work hours. lol
My best friend’s bridal shower is Sunday and I’m supposed to be in charge of it. *sigh* Lawd..they done messed up. She of all people should have known better than to do that. Sure, I can coordinate my clothes and whatnot...but err uh... I am NOT detail-oriented when it comes to frilly stuff like…decorating and organizing a bridal shower. Uh-Uh. NO.WAY *smh* I almost had a fit when I had to help my mom with her 50th b-day party.. so THIS is driving me INSANE. Hopefully I’ll be able to pull it off. I’ve reserved the hotel…sent out invitation…got someone to do the food…and have the cheesy games we’re supposed to play…but these decorations….????? I have NO clue where to start. I’m lost. lol She really better be glad I love her. *sigh* Real Glad.
Family
Nothing much to say here either. I love my folks…but they still get on my nerves with the overprotection bit. It’s tired now. I’m SOOO ready to move. I think it’ll dramatically improve my relationship with moms. Looks like I may just be getting my wish. *crossing fingers*
Love
Well…TG and I are still kicking it strong. He’s about the only thing that isn’t STRESSING me right now. It’s nice to have someone to talk to that actually cares about my well being. Someone that'll just ask to see you just so ya'll can cuddle and talk face to face. Someone that will let you vent for an hour with out interrupting you OR falling asleep. Someone that truly cares and prays for you and has no problem being open about that. I haven’t had that in a long time… almost 4 years now. It’s nice. Man, God KNEW how much I needed him in my life at this particular time. With my family’s finances stressing me, my health stressing me, this doggone group I’m in stressing me, my co-workers stressing me….etc..etc.. I needed something to keep me from flipping out. And likewise…. He has some issues that I know he’s grateful to have me be there for him with. I really like TG. A LOT. And I really do hope that this is it. BUT if for some reason he’s not my “Ish”… then I’m still glad that he’s here now. And that I’m able to have this wonderful experience of truly seeing how it feels to love someone that loves you back even more. I couldn’t have ask for a better friend, confidant, encourager, and lover of my soul. I’m truly happy in this area of my life.
Alright alright…I’m starting to get mushy…so lemme gone and go.
I hate that. I mean…the telling people part. I love that people actually stop by here from time to time just to see if and what I’ve written…but at the same time… the fact that I know people read has dramatically heightened my sensitivity as to what i will and won't write. When I first started. I wrote pretty much everyday… (for real..i did… go see… it’s right over there..)
It didn’t matter what I wrote… I could just say…the weather sucked and be perfectly content with that being my post. lol But the fact of the matter was that back then, I was able to use this space to get my thoughts off my chest no matter how trivial or deep. Now… I find myself doing meme’s… or writing about issues…and articles… and I dunno… stuff that really doesn’t have anything to do with ME just because I don't feel like having to explain what's going on...or for the sake of not sounding whiny and redundant..(even though it's my right to since it's my space). I’m changing that now. Sure… this blog will probably be even more boring…but at least I’ll feel better.
Work
Well… work at the ole office has been slow since the beginning of May. I’m not sure how long this “slump” will last. I feel weird not having anything to do and trying to “look” busy. I know everybody is like… what da heck she doing over there… NOBODY has work to do. lol It’s all good though. Most days I just take on time consuming busy work…like refiling all of the journals and scientific articles we have in our library. lol Or um… going to our online shared files and re-organizing everyones files/work/projects…lol. *sigh* I need a hobby while I’m here. Not having I.M. sucks. L I’m sure it won’t be like this always. Pretty soon I’ll be working on our next fiscal years budget. That ought to keep me busy.
School
*sigh* I really want to go back. I have to get my MPH as well as my PhD in counseling. Unfortunately with the way things have been going with my family… my focus has been on trying to maintain our current lifestyle rather than improving it. Mom’s was making good money at her last job…and I doubt any of us realized just how MUCH her income was needed…nor did we realize just how LONG she was gonna be unemployed. So right now… my dreams are on hold until my family is taken care of. I was confiding in a friend the other day…and he asked me why I stay there… I mean honestly I make more than enough money to take care of me. I could easily move out…and be strizz-8 by myself. But I dunno… I couldn’t do that to my parents. It’s just us 3 and I feel like we are all we have. So I wouldn’t feel right doing good when they are struggling. *smh* Something’s just not right about that.
Actually good news just arrived a few days ago. Mom’s said that she’s gonna go back to work. *doing somersaults, cartwheels and round offs...* Man that’s the best news I’ve heard in a LONG time. *sigh of relief* After approximately 10 LONG months of her chillin at the crib... using up gas going to a "strictly commission" gig that she's NEVER made money with...and her tam'bout "Bear with me ya'll" Mom's finally got a J.O.B. Yes!!!! Maybe I’ll finally be able to start back saving…and not neglecting my own bills for the greater good. Thanks God.
She starts on the 6th and I am soooooooooo amp’d. A real live paycheck…shoot.. *grinning* I may have to hang that thang on the refrigerator.
Health
Well… I haven’t been doing too well. I hate saying that something’s wrong…so I’ll just say that something isn’t quite right. I've been "not quite right" for almost 2 months now. I couldn't take it any longer. I had to know what's going on in my body. Me of all people should no that things don't just "go away"...they get worse if left untreated. So...I went to the doctor this morning to get myself checked out. Doc didn’t seem too concerned after drilling me about my past and my family history…but I dunno… I’ll feel much better when I get my results back. She gave me some stuff to take to get my body back on track. I’m very happy about that. My health is the most important thing i have. TG seems to think my condition might be stress related. I didn’t think so at first…but I really do have a lot going on and it all seems to be taking a toll on me. I'm kinda thinking that he may be right. Stress probably is partly why i'm not doing well. I don’t eat right, don’t take vitamins, don’t sleep right… I’m treating myself kinda bad…and I hate it. I know I need to take a break and just R-E-L-A-X. *taking deep breaths* Hopefully my body and hormones and etc…will resume back to their normal routine soon. At least I’m feeling better… (aside from the strong desire to crawl under my desk and sleep). That’s a start.
Friends
Well… since my detox a few months ago. I haven’t had much to say about this area of my life. All of the leeches and bad seeds were dismissed…leaving me with people who I truly consider friends. There sure aren’t many. lol. A sista be struggling on Saturdays. lol. I’m like…dang…anybody wanna hang? ANYBODY? lol. But it’s all good. I haven’t had that much free time anyways. With TG and I going out every Friday, and all of my bazillion organizations,weddings, groups, bbq's, meetings, engagements, concerts, etc… I hardly have time for “friends” anyways. lol. Besides all my good friends and I just usually talk at church…or via phone during work hours. lol
My best friend’s bridal shower is Sunday and I’m supposed to be in charge of it. *sigh* Lawd..they done messed up. She of all people should have known better than to do that. Sure, I can coordinate my clothes and whatnot...but err uh... I am NOT detail-oriented when it comes to frilly stuff like…decorating and organizing a bridal shower. Uh-Uh. NO.WAY *smh* I almost had a fit when I had to help my mom with her 50th b-day party.. so THIS is driving me INSANE. Hopefully I’ll be able to pull it off. I’ve reserved the hotel…sent out invitation…got someone to do the food…and have the cheesy games we’re supposed to play…but these decorations….????? I have NO clue where to start. I’m lost. lol She really better be glad I love her. *sigh* Real Glad.
Family
Nothing much to say here either. I love my folks…but they still get on my nerves with the overprotection bit. It’s tired now. I’m SOOO ready to move. I think it’ll dramatically improve my relationship with moms. Looks like I may just be getting my wish. *crossing fingers*
Love
Well…TG and I are still kicking it strong. He’s about the only thing that isn’t STRESSING me right now. It’s nice to have someone to talk to that actually cares about my well being. Someone that'll just ask to see you just so ya'll can cuddle and talk face to face. Someone that will let you vent for an hour with out interrupting you OR falling asleep. Someone that truly cares and prays for you and has no problem being open about that. I haven’t had that in a long time… almost 4 years now. It’s nice. Man, God KNEW how much I needed him in my life at this particular time. With my family’s finances stressing me, my health stressing me, this doggone group I’m in stressing me, my co-workers stressing me….etc..etc.. I needed something to keep me from flipping out. And likewise…. He has some issues that I know he’s grateful to have me be there for him with. I really like TG. A LOT. And I really do hope that this is it. BUT if for some reason he’s not my “Ish”… then I’m still glad that he’s here now. And that I’m able to have this wonderful experience of truly seeing how it feels to love someone that loves you back even more. I couldn’t have ask for a better friend, confidant, encourager, and lover of my soul. I’m truly happy in this area of my life.
Alright alright…I’m starting to get mushy…so lemme gone and go.
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